Suki ja nai
See disclaimer in 01
10: aishiteru
"Rosary, may I speak with you?"
It wasn't the words, but rather the look on Roswell's face that caught Rosary by surprise: He wouldn't meet her eyes, and there was a deep, troubled struggle in the slight grimace he wore.
Once the two of them had found a secluded oriel whose alcove they could stand in, Rosary gave her longtime friend a slightly worried grin. "Okay, who's the father?" she asked, elbowing him in an invitation to share in her humor.
Roswell frowned at her. "…What?" he asked, his brow creasing in confusion.
Rosary shook her head. "Sorry. It's just, with that look on your face I felt like some parent whose daughter was about to confess that she'd gotten pregnant or something."
Roswell groaned, but gave her a weak smile. "Rosary… seriously, you and I need to talk about this. It's… been bothering me for a while now, and I… there's no way I can go on without telling you."
"You're starting to freak me out," Rosary said, still smiling although that little worry line had appeared at the center of her brow. "Just spit it out, okay? Whatever it is, get it off your chest before you choke on it."
"If only it were that simple…" Roswell murmured, taking off his beret so he could run his black-gloved hand through his hair. "We're friends, right?"
Rosary frowned. "Well, we were the last time I checked," she joked. "Took us a few years to fix the whole arguments-and-awkwardness thing, but I think we're safe now. Why?"
"How long have we been friends?" Roswell persisted. "Since we were—three or four? Gods, I can't even remember. We've been friends that long. I suppose… part of the reason this is so hard for me to say is because I don't want to do anything to compromise that."
"Why would anything you have to say to me compromise our friendship?" Rosary asked with a frown. "You've always been the sensitive one. Too sensitive for your own good, and too sensitive to say something blunt enough to hurt someone unless you were mad at them and doing it purposely."
Roswell just smiled sadly. "You see, this… is something I've always wanted to say to you, it's just… I've always been too afraid of your reaction to actually tell you. So I tried to keep it inside. But I can't any longer. If I have to keep my silence for another day, I'll go mad. I just can't stand it anymore."
"Well, say it, then," Rosary insisted, reaching out to shake his shoulder lightly. "We're friends, right? There's nothing you can't say to me."
"Friends…" Roswell sighed. "That's… that's just it, Rosary."
Her frown deepened. "What do you mean?"
"It's been almost three years since we officially patched things up during the post-war negotiations. It took longer for us to get all of our old relationship back, but it's mostly there now. It's been almost a year since we started sleeping together. You have always insisted that it's little more than an affair, or a fling, or casual sex. That makes us, what—fuck buddies?" Roswell shook his head as he said it, contempt in the words. Although she didn't say anything about it, Rosary was privately impressed—she didn't think she'd ever heard Roswell use that word before.
"Does it bother you that we're having sex?" Rosary asked, putting her hands on her hips. "I sure don't get that impression when we're in bed together, but…"
"No—no. It's…" Roswell ran his hands through his hair again. "What bothers me is this: Over the course of this almost-a-year relationship, we have slept together in numerous inns, in the residences of our friends, all over my manor and most certainly in my bed, but never in yours. Why is that?"
His eyes were intense, his expression frustrated, as he said the words, careful to keep his voice low in case someone passed by. Something about that intensity made Rosary's heart stutter in her chest.
"At first I thought it might be that you didn't want things to get that intimate, and took your words about this being a casual affair at face value. But that can't be the truth. We've known each other as good as all our lives. We grew up together; we went through all the trials and tribulations of puberty together, never sparing either of us the gruesome details. We've had our good days and our bad days and sworn at each other and tried to kill each other, hated each other, went through an awkward period of making up, and cried on each other's shoulders. We've been intimate for quite some time, and we've done things to each other in bed that I can't even begin to describe where someone might hear. There's no shame between us, no fear of intimacy in the least.
"I even wondered if you feared the bad memories from Back Then. But that all happened in my bed, not yours, so there's no way that could be true either. You have no problem with sex there. So why is it that you're so unwilling to let me into your bed? I have to know."
The stutter of Rosary's heart had become a hammer. "W-why is it so important?!" she demanded, backing up a step, feeling her face flush and panic start to pound at her temples.
"I have to know because I've spent too long agonizing over what the rest of my life will be like if I'm not right about what I think it is. I have to know because, Rosary, I have to know the truth about what you feel for me. I have to know because…" He took a deep breath, then stepped forward, his eyes desperate and overly bright, and leaned in, his arms lightly encircling her shoulders as he leaned his cheek against her forehead. "I have to know because I love you, Rosary."
You could have heard a pin drop against the finely carpeted floor as Rosary looked up at him, stunned, then as he leaned down and kissed her.
"…!" It was instinctive. Rosary couldn't help it. There was deep passion in Roswell's kiss, passion and pain and fire, and a velvet demand that she didn't have it in her to deny. She clung to him with a choked cry, her hands fisted in the front of his robes.
When he pulled back, Roswell was out of breath, and his aquamarine eyes were hazed over with grief and desire and heartbreaking longing. "I love you, and it tears me apart to even think about living the rest of my life without you at my side," he said softly, and his voice was shaking with emotion as he spoke the words. "When you rejected me all those years ago it broke my heart. I was going to tell you then, but you were in so much pain, and you just couldn't see anything but that pain. I've loved you for longer than I had words to put to this feeling." He clutched the fabric of his robes over his heart. "You broke my heart then, and maybe I'm a fool for giving you a second chance at doing the same, but there is no one else for me but you. I could never feel for anyone else what I feel for you. You're the only one I've ever loved this way, and the only one I ever will love like this.
"Rosary, I have got to know why because… because I have to know that it means something to you when we make love, because I have to know that you just don't want it to hit home that it means too much, because you have to notice that the stars shine a little bit brighter whenever we're together, that the earth shakes and the sky sings and everything feels like it's fallen into place. It's a frightening feeling, I know. It scares the hell out of me. Just please, please tell me that… that…" Roswell shook his head, running out of words, his eyes pleading and desperate.
"I… you… we… I…" Rosary shook her head, dumbfounded, her knees going shaky and her head rushing. "I… Roswell… I…" She took a deep breath. "How can you just—your depression! If I tell you I don't… you're just holding out your heart for people to step on it, and…"
"If you don't love me, it doesn't matter, because I'll have broken things again… broken them so badly no one could ever repair them," Roswell said quietly, defeatedly, his eyes bleak and hollow. "It won't matter, because even without my… health problems, I wouldn't be able to bear it, I wouldn't be able to live. You're all that matters, Rosary. You're the only thing that's ever mattered."
She couldn't speak. Roswell caught her lips with his again, gentle this time, pleading. She reached up and touched his face, deepened the kiss. His lips were warm and softer than a dream, but his face was wet with tears.
Shattered, Rosary thought as she traced his cheekbone with a fingertip. He's already been shattered once. It was only because of his once-broken heart that he seemed so, so fragile now, especially since he'd cast aside his pride to speak with her so openly. It would be so easy to shatter him again, and doubtless this time he would not recover. She'd talked to the doctors after his last, most dire suicide attempt, and they'd told her frankly that his condition was deteriorating. If she said she didn't love him…
But if she said that she did love him just to keep him alive, he would know. Roswell was no fool. And that would hurt him worse in the long run. She owed him the truth.
So what, exactly, was the truth?
As Roswell eased her back down, she took a deep breath and looked up at him, biting her lip. From the way he was looking at her, she could tell what answer he expected.
"You do know that this is probably the stupidest, craziest risk you've ever taken in your life, don't you?" she began slowly. Before Roswell could answer, she laid her fingers to his parted lips to hush him. "Well, you are one lucky, idiotic bastard, because…" Shaking her head, she vainly tried to blink back tears. "Because I… I-I do… have f-feelings for you."
Roswell blinked, visibly taken aback.
"You stupid jerk," Rosary said, wiping her face. The tears wouldn't stop spilling over. "I didn't want to think about it or talk about or acknowledge it at all. But you and your stupid ultimatum…" Looking up at him, she gave him a weak smile, still dabbing at tears.
"Rosary, I-I'm sorry, I…" Visibly distressed, Roswell touched her face, then pulled his hand back as if bitten. "I… I made you cry. I…"
"You moron," Rosary said, laughing. "Don't you get it?! I'm crying 'cause I do like you. I'm crying because I l-love you!"
"Rosary…"
"Stupid, really…" Rosary kept laughing, still impatiently brushing at tears. "We've both been… so stupid. Everyone knew. Yggdra and Gulcasa, and Kylier and Elena and Flone, they all knew and they've been driving me crazy trying to get me to admit it to myself. Not to mention that manipulative little bastard Nessiah, who's been trying to fix us up in the most completely obvious manner since he managed to get Yggdra and Gulcasa hitched. But of course you and I… it's taken us so long to figure it out. We're idiots of the most pathetic order."
"Maybe if we hadn't spent so much time telling ourselves it wasn't love, we would've gotten to this point sooner," Roswell said with a helpless shrug, giving her a teary smile of his own. "Maybe then, we wouldn't have done everything all out of order. I mean…"
"Yeah—I've gotta say, most couples at least know they like each other before they hit the sheets," Rosary said wryly, blinking. "Man, are we stupid."
"So it took us longer to figure everything out." Roswell shook his head and brushed one of his own tears away. "I propose we don't waste any more time blaming ourselves, and skip to the good part."
Rosary rolled her eyes, but turned her face up for his kiss.
Owari.
:Postscript:
And so, Suki ja nai is finally finished. For a drabble collection, it took longer than I expected to complete, but I enjoyed my chance to further explore Roswell and Rosary's relationship without having to delve into a whole new chaptered story to do it.
As I think we've all noticed, these oneshots don't go in chronological order. If you want to go back and read them that way so that it won't hurt your brain so much, their proper order is 1.) futatsu bara, 2.) tomodachi, 3.) daikirai, 4.) namida, 5.) kaiwa, 6.) odoru, 7.) ren'ai, 8.) zetsubou, 9.) mahou, and 10.) aishiteru. The second half of "futatsu bara" actually comes in during the game's plot (just after BF15) and therefore goes between "daikirai" and "namida".
I'll handle specific commentary on each oneshot in separate sections.
Zetsubou: This section was written in Gallery (yes, I wrote each one in a different font, too!), and due to the number of comments in this particular vein I got, I feel as though I have to say something about it.
While "emo" is fine while used in a comedic slant, there are times when it gets really insulting, and this is one of them. Roswell's portrayal throughout this story characterizes him as having clinical depression, a serious medical disorder theorized to be caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. It is not something he can do anything about other than take drugs. While its full onset was triggered by being rejected by Rosary, it is a medical condition that has nothing to do with his actual emotions or the circumstances he's in. If someone has clinical or situational depression that threatens their well-being, it has to be treated seriously, and as I am most definitely treating it seriously in this story, I find it insulting when Roswell gets slapped with the "emo" label. So stop it, or I'm going to have to hurt you.
Ren'ai: I wrote this part in Goudy Old Style. I am told by my mother that it may be the most tasteful sexual episode I have ever written for any characters. Really, what does she take me for? It's not like I write porn. (Even if I write something graphically, it's part of the plot. Not just fan service.) I had to write it from Rosary's point of view because she's kinda purposely not getting it; if I'd done it from Roswell's, it would've been too obvious. Besides, here he's already asleep!
Mahou: This was written in Tiempo, and I had a lot of fun with Nessiah here. The use of songs as magical commands originates in Ah! My Goddess (quite a few of my plot devices trace their way back to that lovely series, come to think of it). Roswell doesn't make a big deal out of it, but his voice isn't all that bad either. I would quite like to draw the scenes in this oneshot someday.
Namida: I wrote this one in High Tower Text. After writing three straight oneshots from Rosary's perspective, it was hard doing one from Roswell's! He's a lot more restrained and polite than her and sometimes keeps his natural reactions in check for pride's sake, which makes him difficult to write at times. Anyway, this should actually help to clear up a little more detail of the alternate version of the Heaven's Gate battle I haven't really written but holds for everything in the Stupid Cupid ficverse.
Kaiwa: I'm often accused of being overly descriptive, so in the style of some of my friends, I decided to challenge myself to write a story with next to no description at all. It actually resembles many conversations I've had with friends and my mother to try to get them to pay attention to my work (no one ever does), but I don't take offense at everything like Rosary does, and I like to think I'm not as pushy as her either. In case anyone wondered, they're talking about Rosary's gift for Flone's bridal shower/bachelorette party. This was done in Centaur.
Odoru: Ah, more lovely manipulative Nessiah. I think it is sexy when guys A.) know their way around the kitchen, B.) can handle themselves in a garden, and C.) dance well, so Roswell has obviously hit three of three. (I'm hopeless.) I liked being able to mention the other couples, and of course put Zilva in something sexy, just to shock and titillate. Hee. Poor Nessiah has so little to work with here; Rosary is thick as a brick about Roswell's feelings for her and almost as stubborn as Gulcasa. I wrote this part in Lucidia Bright.
Daikirai: I owe this part of my Japanese vocabulary to Asuka Langley Soryu. ("Kirai, kiraaaai! DAIKIRAI!", as heard so often in the later episodes of Eva.) Anyway, the scene actually wound up a lot more dramatic (melodramatic) than I expected it to be. Poor Roswell. Rosary really is having an Asuka moment here. I wrote this in Poor Richard.
Tomodachi: I definitely expected more Roswell-and-Rosary-sitting-in-a-tree jokes than I got. They really talk candidly to each other, which is one of the fun things about their relationship. I'm still getting over the fact that I had Roswell use the word "like" in a modern-teenager sense. Roswell, I thought you were above that! This was written in Fantasy.
Futatsu bara: Trying to figure out the way to say "two roses" in a grammatically correct fashion was hell. Why does Japanese have eighty different ways to say "two", anyway?! If there's anything wrong with it, forgive me. My Japanese grammar sucks. Anyway, the artificer mentioned in the old man's story is Nessiah, obviously, as it's mentioned that he made a card. The "Two Roses" card was something I made up after thinking it would be really cute and also very cool if Roswell and Rosary ever had to cast a spell together on the battlefield. I wrote this part in Book Antiqua.
Aishiteru: This was written in LainieDaySH—which, while a beautiful font for graphics, isn't too type-friendly in story format! (I had to mess around with size and insert some characters in Blackadder ITC because they aren't present in the actual font… groan. I wanted to do it in Bickley Script, but my computer hasn't got it and IT'S REALLY EXPENSIVE! $42 USD on some sites?! Maji de…) Way to go, Roswell! He effectively forced Rosary to come to terms with her feelings for him so that she could give him a truthful answer and stop him from doing something stupid. Really, that's probably the ONLY way to get Rosary to own up to her affection for him. Their love/hate relationship is so aww-tastic.
In short, I suppose that if Stupid Cupid originally turned me on to Roswell/Rosary, Suki ja nai did it and now I'm a lifer. (/shot) Next to Gulcasa/Yggdra, it's become one of my favorite pairings in this fandom. I'm as much a sucker for love/hate as I am for star-crossed.
Thank you to all my reviewers. Again—and as always—this one's for Rau-sama. Hontou ni aishiteru. Always and forever. (Kare wa boku no daisuki na hito.) You'll never catch me saying "it's not love".
-Feral Phoenix
July 1, 11:34 PM