Wow guys. After I posted "Sober Thoughts Are Drunken Disasters", I started this...and finished it in the space of 2 hours while watching Deck The Halls.
It's not terribly long but I think it might be one of my all-time favourite chapters.
I don't own DSS or Grey's Anatomy, McDreamy or McSteamy (how I wish I did), Narnia, or Charna's Butt.
But I am an expert wheelchair racer. I used to borrow one from my Grandma and raise more than a little hell!
This chapter seems slightly rushed, but it certainly goes somewhere. You shall see!
That is all!
The Vampire Mountain Gang has been many places that do not classify as Vampire-friendly, as we all know. Deserted islands, frozen valleys of doom, gas station bathrooms, airports, to name a few.
And now they could check hospitals off the list of places to visit.
The journey there had been stressful. They'd sailed across the lake as fast as their fairly limited power allowed, and had to pause because Gillbert's cooler had once again been dropped into the water and "almost drowned". They'd argued for 10 minutes on whether to take the Essie or the RV, and they eventually decided to divide themselves between the 2. So Mika, Arra, Kurda, and Larten dragged the still-unconscious Arrow up to the top bunk and anchored him there with the canoe rope. Meanwhile Darren, Harkat, Gillbert, Paris and Seba crammed into the Essie. Darren hoped Arrow lived to hear about how Harkat bravely sacrificed the poor SUV's suspension and alignment to keep up with the RV ripping through the forest in front of them. Eventually they hit open road, and the RV reached speeds that would have sent them into orbit had they had lift-off. At one point, Seba became inadvertantly lodged in the sunroof (again) but this time he was left there because he made such an excellent siren that other vehicles actually pulled over. This gave Harkat a marvellous idea, and he picked up speed and pulled out and in front of the RV to provide an escort which got them there even faster. Once they hit town, Arra was too busy maneuvering the house on wheels to program the GPS, so that task fell to Mika, Kurda, and Larten. However, their directions did not synchronize with the ones on Darren's GPS, so they became seperated and Darren, Harkat, Paris, and Seba ended up waiting in the emergency room for 15 minutes before realizing the others were lost. Then they loaded back in the car and drove around town for another 15 minutes, honking and yelling until the RV was located.
When Arrow was finally handed off to the emergency staff, the rest of the Gang breathed a sigh of relief (except for Mika who was still banging his head against the wall -or the vending machine).
Then they proceeded to do what Vampires do the worst - waiting.
Kurda gushed about how this place was OMG jussttt like Grey's Anatomy!
Paris tried to chat up an old couple sitting in a corner who didn't seem to speak English. He tried several different languages but they continued to stare at him as though he had 7 heads.
Seba tried to steal a bag of frozen peas from a teenage boy who was using them as a cold compress for a fractured wrist, but this resulted in a fistfight and they were both escorted out. Seba snuck back in several minutes later, proudly holding the frozen peas. He then went on to chasing a group of children away from the play area so he could fully monopolize the building blocks.
Harkat gently shoved Mika away from the vending machine so he could confuse it into giving him unlimited free Jolly Ranchers and Mars Bars.
Darren joined a seven-year-old in watching Narnia on the waiting room TV.
Larten pursued a catalogue of wooly sweaters and pondered ordering one.
And Arra assumed the facial expression of someone on the dumbest date of her life.
When Narnia ended, Darren asked a doctor if there was any news on the patient in question. There was not.
"I'm sooooo booored! I haven't seen Dr. McDreamy OR Dr. McSteamy!" Kurda whined.
"It hurts to think." Mika snuffled. He'd given up headbanging and taken Seba's frozen peas and snuck some bandage tape to fasten them securely to his head.
"Is Arrow dead?" Seba asked loudly, causing people to stare.
"Honestly, I have no idea." said Darren.
Harkat, Mika, and Kurda started to cry.
"I mean, umm, he's gonna be fine! WHEELCHAIR RACE!" Darren roared to distract them, bolting towards a cluster of abandoned wheelchairs outside the main hospital corridor.
It worked. In minutes, the hospital had become a racetrack, and Seba was winning with Mika and Darren in hot pursuit, dodging furious doctors and thrilled patients alike. Larten had accidentally crashed his chair into Arra and they'd both taken a tumble down some stairs. Paris swiped a hospital gown and used it as a checkered flag at the "finish line" which was a door marked "O.R." (No one knew what that meant). Kurda and Harkat had been slowest on the uptake, so they were left to commandeer a janitorial cart. Harkat pushed and Kurda "steered".
Seba hit the finish line first, closely followed by all the others. The door swung open as the beasts collided with it, and the Vampires quite suddenly found themselves in the middle of a brain surgery. Darren passed out in horror and shame, and Harkat ushered them all out, dragging Darren and apologizing profusely to the operating room staff.
They located Larten and Arra making out passionately in the stairwell, and were sneaking casually back to the waiting room, when they heard it:
"HELLLLPPPPP! DUDE GET ME OUTTA HERE! WHO ARE YOU? WHERE AM I? WHAT'S THAT? DARREN? MIKA? HARKAT? ANYONE? HELPPPP!"
"ARROW!" gasped everyone simultaneously.
They followed the voice and found themselves standing in front of a door with a small window, through which glanced Darren.
"Oh jeez." croaked the boy Vampire.
On the other side of the door was located a sort of trauma-treatment room, which contained Arrow and several doctors. This would have been perfectly normal, except Arrow was standing upright -with a table strapped to his back and a bandage wrapped around his skull. The doctors were dispersed around the room, babbling nervously about treatment plans and options, while Arrow clearly wasn't buying any of it. Darren actually felt bad for the guy, he'd obviously woken up without a clue where he was or how he'd gotten there, stood up like any normal person and found he was attached to a table. He now looked extremely upset and more scared than Darren had ever seen him. The doctors looked equally terrified and were preparing a tranquilizer needle by the looks of it.
"GO AWAY!" he hollered as the most ballsy doctor approached with the tranq needle extended.
"Sir, I would like you to please lie down so I can administer this antibiotic!" the doctor demanded.
"WHAT THE HELL IS AN ANTIBIOTIC?"
"That's not an antibiotic! Antibiotics are never purple!" Paris hissed. "He needs assistance!"
Darren looked back at his crew. They met his battle-ready gaze with looks of incredible courage and willingness to step into danger. Darren even got a lump in his throat, which he quickly managed to swallow. He'd never been so proud!
"3...2...1!" Paris screamed.
"CHARRRGGGEEE!" Mika bellowed.
"FOR NARNIA!" Darren yowled, getting lost in the moment.
The combined force of 8 creatures of the night buckled the doors instantly, revealing 3 doctors whose level of terror had just doubled, and Arrow who looked as if Christmas had just come early.
"GUYS!" he yelled with sheer glee as he turned to face them, causing the table legs to take out several lamps.
There was an instant 9-person tackle in the middle of the floor, table and all and showered by sparks from the wrecked lamps. The doctors ran for their lives.
"I'M SO SO SORRY BRO I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA DIE I SWEAR TO CHARNA'S BUTT YOU'LL ALWAYS BE MY BESTIE!" Mika wailed, before realising it was actually Kurda he was hugging, rather than Arrow. "Ugh there's blonde hair on my arm now... Oh, there you are, Arrow. Buddy, I'm sorry."
"S'okay. Can you please not kneel on my arm?" Arrow replied muffledly as his face was compressed against the floor by Harkat and Kurda's combined hug.
"This is all very charming, but you guys just missed the announcement that they're sending security into this room." Arra drawled boredly.
"TEAM, RETREAT!" said Darren with great volume.
They made for the door.
"Wait!" Harkat wheezed. "Hospital procedure...states that...all patients...must leave...in a wheelchair!"
Arrow rolled his eyes, spied the nearest wheelchair, picked an old lady out of it, and sat down. Harkat made himself comfortable in the sidecar which had clearly been designed for a dog.
"TAKE ME WITH YOU!" the lady screeched. Larten grabbed her and set her in Arrow's lap. She licked her lips at him and wrapped her arms around his neck firmly.
"HOLD ON TIGHT!" Mika roared, grabbing the handles of the chair and sprinting down the hall pushing Arrow, Harkat, and the lady with the rest following close behind.
After one last warp-speed stampede through the hospital, the Gang burst out the front doors and fled across the parking lot and into the sunset.
###
Once everyone was settled down and Arrow was regaled with the thrilling tale of his ride to the hospital, everyone was in such an excellent mood that they each chipped in to buy the old lady a bus ticket to Texas, which made her so delighted she gave them each a kiss on the lips.
As she boarded her bus, the Vampires stood in a line to wave her off.
"Who the hell was she?" Larten asked Darren out of the corner of his mouth.
"No idea, she sort of just came along for the ride." Arrow replied.
"Stealing people from hospitals...is that not a felony?" Paris inquired.
"Felony? Is that like baloney? Baloney is eww." Kurda contributed.
"Well, we just pulled a double robbery." Darren grinned deviously.
"Are we...gonna go to...jail?" Harkat gasped in horror.
"Who the hell knows." Mika sighed peacefully.
"If we move in a pack and accept no strangers, we will survive any and all dangers." stated Seba carefully, darting his eyes suspiciously.
"He IS a poet and doesn't know it!" squealed Kurda.
"What he means is, we'll be fine as long as we're together." said Darren happily, putting his arm around Seba's shoulders, who twitched.
"You're all weird." Arra grumbled.
"I know you are, but what am I?" said Mika.
He and Arrow then exchanged a high-five so immense they requested painkillers.
That was when they heard,
"FREEZE! WE'VE GOT YOU SURROUNDED!"
Slowly the Vampires turned to see what the hell was up.
Kurda gasped,
"Darren! Are those the fashion police?"
"No, Kurda. Those are the actual police. And to answer Harkat's question; yes, we are going to jail."
HA
HA
HA
(i got the freak-out-in-trauma-room-while-tied-to-a-table thing from the show Untold Stories of the ER because I was watching it for 4 straight hours on my plane ride back from Alberta this summer. Yeah it's been up in my head for a good long while.)
Anyway, that might be all you get from this story till after Christmas ;)
jk
OR AM I ?
*Roxxy,