Chapter 10

Past

_You are going to... what? -Annie asked in a barely noticeable voice.

She felt the air in her lungs freeze when he didn't answer, instead looking down unable to hold her gaze.

_I'm joining the Corps. -he whispered again- I decided it some time ago.

_But why? What are you thinking? -anger slipped in her voice- Don't you see that's fucking insane?!

Ajay put his hands on his face fro a moment, clearly upset, but when he turned to look at her his eyes showed great determination.

_Believe me, i didn't choose this on a whim.

_Fuck your whims! How can you do this to us? To me? -she shrieked standing up, face going red- Why the fuck are you going there?

_Listen...

_No you listen asshole! I won't let you do that! I'm not going to sit and watch you go and... kill yourself out there because you want to... i don't know what! Did you forget what we talked about? Our plans? Joining the MP together?

Ajay averted his eyes, staring at nothing while he shook his head.

_No, i didn't. But this is... is important to me.

_More than i am? Than what we have? -she asked devastated, and it stung him- Answer me, is it worth throwing everything away? Answer me!

_No it's not! -he said suddenly, standing up- That's why i needed to talk to you! Annie i'm scared of going out there but i need to, i've found something i want to fight for but i can't... i can't stop thinking about you.

The girl didn't say a thing, Ajay's pained and trembling voice catching her off guard; instead she swallowed a few times, trying to order her ideas and finally being able to speak.

_When did you decide this?

_About two months ago. -he said flatly- Honestly, i always had the idea pop in my head from time to time but it was mostly an inner joke until i...

His voice faded, and he nervously licked his lips while glancing sideways to which Leonhardt frowned and crossed her arms: if he was unsure of his choice, then she still had a chance of talking him out of it.

_Until you what? -she said harshly, and saw with pleasure he flinched slightly- Come on, i'm all ears.

_Promise me you won't hurt him okay? -he pleaded and Annie narrowed her eyes.

_Hurt who? -she asked and then it clicked, her blue orbs widening in realization- Armin! That son of a... he convinced you? I'm gonna...

_You promised! -he said desperately and she showed her teeth.

_I didn't promise shit! And even if i did i'd be lying! How can you listen to him?

_We started talking about once long ago, we were hanging around after training; by chance i asked him about what he expected to find out there and he brightened... i'd never seen him like that.

_And what did he tell you?

_That he expected nothing, instead just wanted the world to surprise him; however there was this... kind of sad tone in his voice whenever her talked about it long enough, as if he knew something about, well, the things out there.

_Of course he does! -she pointed angrily- He knows there are titans and death everywhere!

_That's what i think too. -he said nodding- And so i asked him if he wasn't afraid of the titans; turns out he's not.

Annie, not expecting that, actually forgot her own anger momentarily and her face showed surprise; her body relaxed while she stared at Ajay.

_He's not afraid of them. -she repeated, and her boyfriend shook his head.

_No, he's terrified. For some reason, titans seem to convey a special sensation of fear from him, but sometimes it feels like he's almost... sorry for them and it intrigued me. I tried to get him to talk more and he showed me this book he brought, about all the things out there, and if you saw it... i think you'd understand.

_So he showed you some pretty pictures and that's it? -she said with scorn and huffed- You forgot you loved me?

Ajay's eyebrows rose at the comment, clearly hurt by her words, and Annie felt a jab of guilt when he looked aside clenching his fists.

_I'd... never do something like this without considering your feelings. -he said slowly- But i need you to understand that i have to be out there and see if i can make a difference; Armin is right, there's a whole world out there but the only way to reach it is to dare and take a step outside. Don't think i'm going to run around like an idiot either: i've been talking to the trainers for advice and they told me more or less the situation within the Corps; Keith Shadis in particular seems very acquainted with them, and told me they have been implementing new strategies and have made some improvements to their gear, which in turn has increased their survival rate outside the walls.

_Oh god, don't say "survival rate" so casually -she pleaded- you make it sound like it's nothing and i can't fucking stand it. I don't want you to go there!

Cross simply stood still, looking at the girl with a mix of pity, guilt and fear; it wrenched his heart to do this to her, but he couldn't lie to himself no more.

_Annie... -he said taking a step towards her- come here.

_What?

_Come. -he repeated, opening his arms- Please, i need you here.

She didn't move at first, wary of showing weakness to him he could take advantage of; but after a few moments she saw his sadness and knew it wasn't a game for either of them: he was afraid for both her and himself, and wanted her to know that. Annie took a step forward, then another and finally threw herself on his arms, Ajay hugging her tight against him with a strangled gasp.

_I don't want you to go. -she mumbled on his jacket- I don't want to.

He heard the tears behind the tortured words and literally shook from head to toe, taking deep breaths while holding the trembling bird Annie Leonhardt was in that moment.

_I know. I know it and damn, part of me doesn't want to leave you. -he said, managing not to let his voice break- That's why i wanted to talk to you... i had to know if your friends will be there for you when... when i'm not.

She looked up, eyes filling with tears and he almost let go out of guilt; he never thought seeing Annie about to cry would hit him so hard. She clung tightly to him and shook her head slowly while not breaking eye contact.

_It's not the same, they can't be with me the way you are...

_Annie...

_Ajay -she said with crushing despair- they don't know.

He frowned for a moment and then his gaze became pure pity as the girl sobbed on his chest.

_I didn't... i thought they...

_No one knew until you! -she said among her tears- I was so, so alone! And if leave i'll be alone again and i'm scared Ajay, i'm fucking scared! What if someone found out and... i couldn't live with that!

She buried her face in his chest, crying openly while he stared at nothing; his head was somewhere else, switching between past and present and made a decision. It was far from perfect, but he had to do it.

_Annie, listen to me, alright? -he said in a low voice, fingers brushing her hair- Don't cry, don't cry; i... i won't leave you if i can. Let's make a deal.

She raised her head, eyes red and still sobbing, and he wiped a tear off; the girl swallowed a couple of times before speaking shakily.

_A d-deal? Whadya m-mean? You'll stay with me?

_Just hear me on this. Right now, my performance is above the average but not good enough to be in the top ten; heck i doubt i'd be in the top thirty, but thanks to you i keep improving and i know there's enough time for me to boost my scores.

She nodded silently, not saying a thing about his performance despite believeing he was actually doing better than that. He had to be, right?

_So this is what i want us to do: you'll train me harder and tougher than ever; you will show me no mercy whenever you take me for maneuver practice. No more games, no more screwing when no one's looking; you have to shape me up to MP standards in the half-a-year we have left and if i make it into the top ten, i'll go with you. No objections, no twisting of words or cheating: we go to the MP, together. Happy?

Annie stared at him, sniffing once more before nodding intensely.

_Yes... yes, yes i will definitely pump your skills up; you won't rest until you're top ten material, you hear me? I'll wreck your ass!

Ajay smiled at her now decided and fierce expression, and finally let go of the hug without witty comments on her last sentence; instead he coughed on his fist and his expression became serious once more.

_But... -he said firmly, and Leonhardt felt a sting of worry- if i happen not to be good enough, if i can't go with you, my path is clear and you know it.

_No... you can't do that Ajay, it's insane! Just join the Garrison, we'll see each other when we can!

_Annie, i would never see again for years if i did that. -he said and her eyes widened- The Garrison assigns their members more or less randomly and unless they happen to settle down, move them from place to place every few months; on the other hand the MP makes rookies take the brunt of the work for the first year at least, and if you wanted to see me you'd need to ask favours around... and those can cost you dearly, specially if you're a woman.

_How do you know that? -she asked but he ignored her.

_On the ohter hand, if i joined the Legion and do well enough i could ask to be part of the group that goes with the Commander to their weekly meetings; Shadis said they usually take rookies to their trips to Wall Sina.

_Shadis? When did he tell you?

_I asked for advice about joining the Corps; he must have sensed my hesitation because he mentioned that part quite emphatically, saying that if i performed well enough Commander Smith would most definitely take me to the capital. It's something they do with the double purpose of letting the new ones relax the tension of the expeditions while also showing them how to deal with the ineptitude of the MP; they usually meet every two weeks, often depending on how much they go outside.

_Are you sure that's true? How does he know so much about them?

_Shadis told me he was in the Corps until his age and injuries began to trouble him, so he quit and became a trainer; it explains why he's so harsh, that dude's seen some shit out there, i mean he must have been in the Legion for years!

Annie took deep breaths to calm herself while thinking about his offer; she didn't like it one bit, but every time she looked at him his eyes were set. The girl had the feeling he wouldn't budge at crying or pleas, he could be as stubborn as they come despite his calm demeanor; she didn't know what to do if he turned out to be as convinced as he now seemed. The girl bit her lip, knowing she was losing ground with every second; if he was telling the truth about his performance and didn't make it to the top ten Annie had to try and at least keep him inside the walls. Fuck visits, she wasn't going to let her only love kill himself out there, even if that meant...! Her breath stuck on her throat; even if it meat letting him go; but how? Breaking up now would only push him further away into what was out there; he had no idea about the truth of outside.

He had no idea...

Leonhardt closed her eyes and prepared for the biggest decision she had ever made so far.

_Before you decide anything, there is something i have to confess: i'm not the person everyone here thinks.

End Chapter.