Start to Fall
Jessica's P.O.V.
No matter how good my body felt, my heart and my soul were aching. Inside, I was falling apart. Between finally finding out why James was always with a hot girl, and walking through my house, destroying everything that reminded me of him, I was close to a breakdown. Nothing I have done in the past hour and a half has made me feel better. Even smashing the TV and his precious stereo equipment didn't make the pain any less prominent. Because I knew if he saw all the things broken I our shared home, it would never be the same kind of hurt I felt seeing him on top and inside that girl. That's what pissed me off. Nothing would ever hurt him like he hurt me. Fucking James would probably piss him off, but I was single when I fucked another person. He wasn't. And even though James was huge…I mean fucking hung like a horse and was very generous with his tongue…hell he even talked dirty to me, didn't cover up the fact that he wasn't Kendall. He was the best version of a best guy friend a girl could ask for. When he drove me to my house to get a few things, so I didn't have to see Kendall again, he let me rage. Every picture I tore off the wall, the appliance smashing and even the gun stealing from Kendall's safe in our closet…James stood beside me and helped. It was therapeutic. But getting in my own car and following James to the university reminded me I was a lone. Without Kendall. I hoped he was doing just as poorly as I was.
I parked right next to James truck and got out fast pulling on my hood walking to the huge building. The University finally called James and told us they had a picture of the man who bought the flowers. That scared me just a little. What if we saw who it was, and it wasn't our top suspect? If it wasn't someone we knew, we were back at square one. "Carlos called me on the drive up here." I nodded as he pulled the door open for me and I walked in fast. "He said Kendall is leaving town."
"Good." James small chuckle behind me made me feel just a little bit better. And as soon as the door shut behind him, a young-looking kid walked out from behind the counter, wearing an apron, a small smile on his face. "Detective Benson. This is my partner Diamond. You said you had a photograph for us?" The college looking kid nodded and pointed to a hallway. He started to walk down it and James cleared his throat.
"Did this guy pay with cash?"
"Yeah. It was weird too. He pulled his wallet out and had like…bills after bills inside. He could barely close the damn thing." I rolled my eyes taking off my hood, following the kid into a small office. He walked behind a desk and sat down. "What did this guy do? Cause he doesn't look all that bad."
"Most criminals don't wear a sign saying I'm a bad guy." The kid chuckled just as a printer behind him started to print something out. "Can you remember anything else about this guy? Was he with anyone? Did he have any weird characteristics?"
"Like I said…he didn't look a bad guy. He looked like a nice old grandpa with a thick grey beard and…"
"Wait…" The kid looked up to me as he stood and I frowned. "He was an older guy?" The kid nodded fast and grabbed the paper from the printer, quickly handing it over to us. As soon as I took it from him and turned it to face me, every thought left my head. I felt a harsh breath leave my body as James took the paper from me and stepped forward.
"This is who bought all those flowers?" The kid nodded giving us an odd look and I started to turn around. James grabbed my arm and we locked eyes. "Don…" I closed my eyes fast and moved out of James's grip walking out of the office, not looking back.
I stood in the rain looking down at the beautiful view of the city. The University was sort of up on a hill and had the best views. I was enjoying it now because my tears would easily be confused with the rain drops. And because I was all the way up here, no one would see them anyway. Except for James. I heard him come outside about 5 minutes after I left and stood still. I heard his door open of his truck but remained motionless. Until he came up beside me, gently pulling the hood up on my head. I looked up to him as he pulled out a pack of cigarettes form his leather jacket. I watched him light one, blocking the light from the wind and rain, and when it was finally lit he put his cigarette back in his pocket and exhaled slowly. "How you doing?" I couldn't help but laugh as I wiped at my face and looked back at the view in front of me. "I called Logan, but his cell went to voicemail." I nodded and crossed my arms over my chest blinking tears away. "I think…"
"I can't do this anymore James." In the corner of my eye I saw him take another drag and I shrugged. "I used to be unbreakable. I used to be able to walk into a case and not feel scared. I used to be able to take down guys two times my size. I was such a bad ass. And now my own shadow scares me. I literally slept with a criminal to get inside information and stupidly let my ass fall for him. I became the typical girl who only thinks with her heart and needs to be saved. If you told this to me five years ago, I would have laughed in your face." I shrugged again and looked up to see James looking down at me, blank. "I can't do this anymore. Four innocent girls are dead because I made the stupid mistake to get involved with a Mafioso and pissed off the wrong man. I should have listened to you and Logan when you said I shouldn't work this case. I should have listened to…Kendall." I said it quietly looking away and shoved my hands into my jean pockets, shivering. "I'm going to put in my resignation once we bring in Don."
"Actually…" I watched James flick the cigarette to the ground in front of us and step on it. "I think you should do it now." I turned slowly to him and he gave me a sweet smile. "You know…I was in the Marines before I went into the F.B.I." I nodded, and he continued. "When I came home after two tours overseas I saw a lot of friends of mine go through…a change." I frowned, and he reached out cupping my cheek with his warm big hand. "I haven't experienced PTSD first hand but from what I know…I think you might be suffering from it. And that worries me. Because I don't want to see you get hurt. I don't want you to lose the real you in this traumatized version of you." He quickly raised his other hand and held my face shaking his head. "What you went through at the hands of that bastard is valid. And how fucked up with what he did to you is a damn good excuse to feel scared." I closed my eyes feeling my bottom lip quiver and let him pull me into him. "Getting yourself help is the first step in getting your life back on track. And I'm gonna stand by you the whole time." I reached behind him quick and gripped onto his jacket quietly crying out.
Because we drove in separate cars, we had to leave in separate cars. He waited to make sure I was stable enough to drive, and I followed him close to the police station. I wanted to go home and lay in bed for a week or so, but I knew the conversation I was about to have with Logan needed to happen. James talking to me about PTSD made me feel very weird. But it made sense. I had horrible mood swings, I was afraid of everyone around me, and didn't feel like myself. But that made me so mad. Because I wasn't weak like that. Unfortunately, as we pulled into the parking garage of the station, I realized, I was weak like that.
James walked me into the station neither of us saying a word to the cops all staring us down as we went. I probably looked like a wreck. Not that I cared. The only thing I cared about was seeing Logan. And when I saw his closed office door, it made me feel better. Just knowing Logan was near me, made everything better. James knocked harshly on the door, but I didn't wait for a response. I pushed it open, smiling wide. Seeing the person sitting in front of Logan, however, made my smile disappear. My mom. "Jessie…baby what's wrong?" I glared at Logan who stood up giving me a classic, don't be mad at me look.
"We actually need to talk to you about the case Chief." Logan's mouth parted slightly turning to James as I turned to my mom. "Can you give us a minute ma'am?" James held the door open for my mom who nodded quick smiling at me.
"I'll be right outside sweetheart." As she walked out past me I caught a glimpse of a hickey on her neck and chuckled.
"Don't bother mom. I know you probably have some new guy waiting for you." She froze quick and we stared each other down. "How's dad doing?" I meant for my voice to come out cold and bitter. Because I was cold and bitter. "What are you still doing here? You want front row seats to my life falling apart or something? Because it's already happened. And you being here isn't making it better."
"Jessica I…" I raised my eyebrows at her and she stood herself up straight. "I know what your dad told about me…about why we divorced."
"Mom I don't…"
"No. Let me talk." My arm was grabbed by her and I tensed up. "I never cheated on your dad. He's the one who cheated on me." I rolled my eyes looking to James and Logan just watching us and shook my head. "Do you remember that young blonde rookie cop he trained? Do you think, looking back, that it was weird how much time they spent together not on the clock? How he brought her to your volleyball games…always invited her over for dinner?" I slowly turned back to my mom and saw she had tears in her eyes. "I let your dad turn me into the villain because you already hated me. I thought it would be best for you to have one role model parent. Even if I took the short end of the stick for it." I turned completely to her and frowned.
"Why didn't you ever tell me this? Why did you take this long to tell me the truth about that?" She smiled small and reached up carefully setting both hands on my cheeks.
"Because…I don't want you to make the same mistakes I did. Running from your own happiness." I also carefully reached out and put my hands on my mother's arms looking down. "What Kendall has done…is inexcusable. But it is not enough to make you forget what love is. One man should never, ever control you. Control your body, your heart or your soul. If you no longer want him, move on. Make your own happiness. And don't just jump to the next best thing around." I glanced up in time to see my mother giving either James or Logan, or both, a mean side eye. "You are way more than somebody else's idea of you." We locked eyes and she smiled again. "You need to be your own idea of who you are baby girl. And be happy with that women you become from that idea." I gasped out quietly and lunged forward, hugging my mother tight.
"Hey um…chief?" I heard someone walk around my mother and I but shoved my face into her neck and squeezed my eyes shut hard.
"Not now Smith."
"Well it's actually about Cristiano." I pulled away fast and looked at the uniformed officer who was giving an uneasy look around the room.
"What about him?" I wiped my face seeing this guy glance around before looking at Logan.
"Well it's just…we got a call from a nark." Logan nodded fast and I tensed up. "He was seen at one of his old safe houses. He was with a few guys all strapped up." I made a disgusted face, turning to James and Logan who were both standing in front of Logan's desk.
"Okay…thanks. We'll get this…"
"Chief?" We all turned to the officer who was blushing. "There was something else." Again, Logan nodded, and the guy looked at me, and I felt my stomach drop into my toes. "We have been told someone not originally on his payroll was walking in with him. Looking very friendly." Even before the guy got it out I knew exactly who he was going to say. "Kendall Knight."