Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction, and does include spoilers up to the end of Season 6. Any characters, events, and all that stuff are made up and any similarities to any of that are completely coincidental. No moles were harmed in the filming of this episode….Disclaimer Over…..woo hoo…..
THE 24 PARODY PROJECT
Episode 10
4:00pm – 5:00pm 'Terms Of Imprisonment'
AT THE FOX EXECUTIVE HEADQUARTERS
The writers of the hit show '24' are sitting around their table as usual.
Fred: What……the……hell……is the matter with you?
Paul: What did I do now?!
Fred: '24 On Ice', are you insane?!
Paul: I think it's a great idea.
Fred: This is bad…..this is really really bad.
Paul: It will work, promise……..
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I PRESENT TO YOU TONIGHT!...24…..ON……ICE!!!!!
The cast of '24' gracefully skate on the ice arena.
Chloe: Man, why did we agree to do this? I'm awful at ice skating.
Chloe slips and falls on her butt. –WHACK-
Chloe: Ow….
Bill and Morris crash into each other. –WHAP!-
Bill: ACK!
Morris: Dahling, watch were you're going….
A terrorist slides a bomb onto the ice.
Jack: DAMMIT!
Chloe regains her balance, she tries to take off again before tripping over the bomb, falling on her face. –WHAP!-
Chloe: OOF!
Bomb: Beepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeep……
Jack: Uh oh!
-KA BOOOOOOOM!-
Everyone starts to slide under the ice.
Everyone: AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Tony (sitting on the side): This is Tony Almeida reporting live from '24 On Ice', now let's take it over to co-reporter Karen Hayes.
Karen is chowing down on a hot dog.
Tony: Uh…..Karen……
Karen: -munch- -munch-
Tony: KAREN!
Karen: Yeeees?
Tony: Your thoughts?
Karen: Did you catch 'Smallville'' last night? I was giving my dog a bath…..
Tony: …………
Karen takes another bite of her hotdog.
Tony: Where did you get that hotdog, this place doesn't even have a snack bar!
Karen: Oh it was sitting right over…….uh oh…….
Karen runs off.
Tony: Ooookay…..that will do it for '24 On Ice'…..we will see you next time……..now roll the opening credits already!
Jack: AHH! It's sooo cold!...
BEEP…….BEEP…….BEEP……..BEEP…….BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP………24!...
Jack: Previously on 24….
-PREVIOUSLIES-
Kim: Baxter, you betrayed us! I'll never forgive you….. (KIM BAUER)
A car crashes through the wall. –CRASH-
Steve Urkel (poking his head out): Did I do thaaat?
Kim: Will you go away! You were only contracted to do one episode!
-AND-
Noah: Karen, you are too unstable to come with me to the press conference, only bad stuff will happen if you show up.
Michelle stops the bomb, Jack makes the Consul of Australia choke on a bagel. He croaks…
President of Australia: For killing our consul, I want Jack Bauer in our custody by 9:00……..or we will declare war on your country.
Noah: I don't feel the least bit threatened…..
A kangaroo hops up to Noah and punches him in the face. –WHACK- (THE WHITE HOUSE STAFF)
Karen: I have to get out of here.
Karen knocks a maid unconscious and puts on her clothing to sneak out.
Captain: We are going to our next house to clean.
Karen sees 'Property of Agatha Bauer' on a tag.
Karen: Hmm……not good….. (KAREN HAYES)
-AND-
Jack: It's time to go BACK TO THE FUTURE!
Michelle: Whatever!
Jack runs over a skunk. –SQUISH-
Bea Arthur: I Nina Myers, have returned from the grave and will wreak havoc on all humankind, MWA HA HA!
Jack: DOH!
Jack: It's time to go BACK TO THE FUTURE….AGAIN!
Jack runs over Celine Dion. –SQUISH-
Jack: Ah hell's bells…
Michelle: Well at least Nina isn't a problem anymore.
Sherry: I am now the Director Of CTU.
Jack: Oops….. (JACK BAUER)
-AND-
Logan: Well, the operation was a failure, but at lease we have something to bring back home. (CHARLES LOGAN AND FRIENDS)
Chloe: Uh…….. (UNCONSIOUS CHLOE O'BRIAN)
Bill: The following takes place between 4:00pm and 5:00pm……..Hi Mom! (waves)
The press conference has finally ended, the crowd is dispersing last week's episode's mess.
Paramedics roll the body of the Australian Consul past Noah, Tom, and The Australian President, whose name is Harry Love.
Tom: Now he gets a name…
Noah agrees.
Harry: This is unbelievable!
Tom: Oh no, he's quite dead. I'd believe it…
Harry: This is that stupid agent's fault!
Noah: Who, Jack?! I don't know who you're talking about!
A kangaroo hops up and punches Noah in the face.
Noah: OW!...that's getting old……
Harry: Yes, it's because of his gun slinging our consul is dead!
Tom: But he saved all these people…
Harry: I don't care! I want Bauer in Australian custody by 9:00 tonight, or we will go through with launching an attack on the United States.
Tom: Not on my watch! Transforming, Anime-style.
Tom jumps into the air.
Tom: SUPER MEGA MISSLE BLAST!
Tom unleashes a barrage of missiles at Harry, who dodges them just in time. –BOOOM!-
The crowd starts screaming and going insane.
Harry: MEGA TON NUCLEAR GAMMA RAY!
Harry pushes his hands forward and shoots out a bright blue beam of light towards Tom, he misses and hits a gas station. –KA BOOOOM!-
Noah: What the hell……
Tom: DRAGON LOTUS STRIKE!
-KABOOM!-
Harry: SUPER TEK MISSILE ASSAULT BLAST!
-KABOOOOOM!-
Tom: ULTRA MEGA DEATH BLASTOID BEAM OF RADIOACTIVITY!
-NUKE!-
Noah: Uh, hello….?
Harry shoots off another attack which propels Tom back several feet, regaining his balance, he starts doing all sorts of hand gestures.
Tom: By the power of the moon! I will become…..Sailor Moon!
Tom starts to transform into a super outfit….
Noah: Oh crap, that's going to take like, 45 minutes. (Turning to Harry), we'll just get back to you on the whole 'Jack Bauer' thing.
Harry: Gotcha….
4:03:12, Jack and Michelle arrive back at CTU, via 'The Insanely Fast Helicopter'.
Jack: Damn skippy…..
Jack and Michelle walk into CTU's main lobby floor.
Jack: Hello my peeps!
Sherry: Jack…
Jack: SHERRY PALMER! Jack is shocked, Jack doesn't know what to do, Jack needs to find his gun….
Michelle: Jack, quit talking in the third person. Hi Sherry, what's the status?
Jack: Why is….?
Michelle: Jack we went over this, you mowed down Celine Dion in last week's episode, changing the present and now we have no means of time travel and we're stuck like this, so deal with it.
Jack: aw….
Sherry: Michelle, I….
Bill: BONZAI!!!!
Everyone looks at Bill.
Bill: What?
Sherry: Michelle, I….
Doctor Ray: MR. BAUER!!!
Sherry: Ugh….
Jack: What is it, Dr. McDreamy?
Michelle rolls her eyes.
Doc Ray: I believe I have found a cure for Mrs. Raines.
Jack: Who?
Michelle (pissed): Jack!
Jack: Oh, Audrey…..she's still on the show?
Michelle: Yea, don't ask questions, just let the man finish.
Doc Ray: It appears Mrs. Raines is under a magic spell.
Jack: Say what?!
Michelle: Oh brother….
Doc Ray: She is 'Cursed' and the spell must be broken by the stroke of 7:00, or she will remain in a coma…..forever.
Jack: Got it! Now, what were you going to say, Sherry?
Sherry: Thank you, Jack. Now I….
Milo: EUREKA!!!
Sherry: If one more person interrupts me….
Milo: Guys, come here!
Jack, Michelle, and Sherry walk over to Milo's station.
Milo: Chloe was kidnapped!
Michelle: We know this. But where was she taken to?
Milo: Charles Logan and his cronies took her to Agatha Bauer's mansion via Falkor.
Sherry: What's a Falkor?
Milo: A huge flying beast that is a cross between a dog and a dragon.
Jack: The thing from The Never-Ending Story?
Michelle hits Jack.
Jack: OW! What was that for?
Sherry: Okay, anyway I….
Jack: Oh look! A cupcake!
Sherry pulls out a gun and shoots Jack. –BANG-
Jack: Urk….(falls to floor)
Sherry: I forgot what I was going to say, I hope you're happy!
Jack: 'Happy'….wouldn't…..be…..a good choice…..ugh…
Doc Ray: Anyway, time is of the essence. Break the spell by 7:00, or no more Audrey!
Jack: Wait!
He gets back up, apparently he doesn't have a bullet wound anymore.
Jack: How do I break the spell?
Doc Ray: Follow these directions, they will take you to my contact 'Lucky', from there he will give you the proper instructions on what you will need to do in order to break the spell. Good luck, Jim.
Jack: My name's Morris.
Michelle: Jack.
Jack: Milo.
Michelle: JACK!
Jack: Jack.
Milo: But what about Chloe!? We have to save her!
Sherry: Oh right, Bill!...Where's Bill?
Bill and Morris are in the game room, playing 'Donkey Kong'.
Bill: Stupid monkey!
Morris: Jump, Dahling!...Jump again!
Bill: I can't! He's throwing too many damn barrels!
Morris: You know, the princess isn't that hot, I don't see why you are risking your life trying to save the broad…
Bill: It's the principle, Morris.
Sherry (walking in): Where the hell did this room come from!?
Jack: Oh figures, they install this room while I'm off saving the world!
Michelle: Well, if you want to get technical, Chloe and I saved the world. You committed vehicular manslaughter on a skunk, Celine Dion, and killed the Australian Consul by making him choke on his bagel.
Sherry: Jack! You killed the Australian Consul!? You can get into a LOT of trouble for that!
Morris: Sherry wins the award for 'Most Stupidly Obvious Statement Ever!'.
Balloons and Confetti fly from the ceiling, music starts to play. Some woman hands a trophy to Sherry.
Sherry: Uh….
Woman: Sherry Palmer! What are you going to do now that you won the 'Most Stupidly Obvious Statement Ever' award?
Sherry: I'm walking away now.
Sherry hauls out of the game room.
Jack: Okay, we need a plan. I'm going to visit this 'Lucky' guy and try to save Audrey.
Michelle: Fine, but what are we going to do about Chloe?
Bill: Milo and I will go to Agatha's mansion and rescue Chloe. Jack, you do your thing. Michelle, you stand here and look important. Spritle and Chim Chim, you sneak into the Mach 5 and annoy the crap out of Speed Racer, accepting as much candy from strangers as you possibly can!
Spritle: I love candy!
Chim Chim: Oooh! Oooh! Eeeeee! Eeeeeee!
Morris: What about Morris, dahling?
Bill: Stay here and play 'Donkey Kong'.
Morris: Sweet!
Michelle: Well, I'm glad you got some pull around here, not being director and all….
Bill: Hey, I'm number 2 in command. So it's all good.
Michelle: Wait, if your number 2 in command, where's Nadia?
Bill and Morris look at each other.
Bill: I'm sorry to say this Michelle…..
Michelle: Oh no, she's dead?!
Bill: Well, no…….she is………somewhere…..
Michelle: Somewhere!? That's the best you can come up with?! A little anti-climatic……
Bill: Well, she got lost somewhere in action, we haven't been able to find her yet.
Michelle: Well, since I'll be staying here I'll look for her.
Bill: Wherever she is……she's in our prayers….
Meanwhile, in the CTU women's restroom.
Nadia: HEY! Someone let me out of here! The door is jammed! Oh this blows……
4:10:12, The 'Super Sweet Maid Service Incorporated' Van drives by.
Karen: Doo dee doo….
Captain: Hmm….
Karen: So……we're going to Agatha Bauer's place huh……that's rockin…..
Captain: Yes……it is……
Karen: I bet…..we're going to clean……lots of stuff huh?
Captain: That's what Maid's do.
Karen: Yuppers……….
Captain: ……
Karen: ……
Captain: …..
Karen: …….
Captain: So……Esmeralda…
Karen: Who the hell is 'Esmeralda'?
The Captain glares at her.
Karen: OH!...That's what I would say……if I weren't 'Esmeralda'…..heh heh….
Captain: Uh…huh….
Karen: Yea….
Captain: So….what did you think of that 'job' you did last week?
Karen: Oh, it stunk to high heaven!...There were feces everywhere! I was like 'Man it's my Prom Night all over again'.
Captain: AH HA!
Karen: It wasn't funny, jerk face!
Captain: You're a fraud!
Karen: What!?
Captain: You were talking about last weeks job, but today is 'Esmeralda's' first day, you're a fake!
Karen: Why, how dare you. You have insulted my honor! And you have insulted The Queen. And when you insult the Queen, you insult my honor. And when my honor is insulted, the Queen gets angry.
Captain: I get it already, but regardless…..PULL THE VAN OVER!
Karen: Uh oh.
The van pulls over near a ditch. Two maids fling open the back doors and drag Karen out.
Karen: ACK!
The Captain pulls out a gun, pointing it at Karen.
Karen: Wait, you can't shoot me! I'm the star of the show!
Captain: No you're not.
Karen: Oh…….hmm…..
Captain: Falsifying a Maid Position is a federal offense, and is punishable by death!
Karen: Can I get a lollipop instead?
Captain: Uh….no.
Karen: Dang, that didn't work either. This looks like the end of my adventures…..wait…..I'm getting a flashback.
-KAREN'S FLASHBACK-
Tom: Karen, I have told you everything that I know.
Karen: Thank you, Sensei. I will not fail you!
Tom: You have learned the art of 'Hong Kong Fooey', now go my child!
Karen: BONZAI!!!
-FIN-
Karen: Yes…..I remember…..everything.
Captain: What?
Karen hops back a few feet.
Karen: SUPER MEGA BLAST SUNSHINE DEATH BEAM!!!!
A teddy bear falls on the ground. –BONK-
Karen: Uh……
Captain: What was that?!
Karen: Hold on, let me try that again.
Karen gets back in 'Lotus Blossom' position.
Karen: PRAYING MANTIS LOTUS BLOSSOM FLOWER SUPREME ATTACK! HEEEEEYAAAAAAA!
A wad of Green Nickelodeon Slime splats on the Maid Captain. –SPLOOSH-
Captain: EW! What the hell is this stuff!?
Karen: Good enough for me. I run away now!
Karen takes off running, the other maids in hot pursuit.
Karen: Ooh! Leg cramp!...Leg cramp!...
4:15:05, Karen is running from the maids / Jack, Bill, and Milo are leaving CTU to take care of their duties / Logan is still flying Falkor with Mandy, Ima, and unconscious Chloe / A helicopter with Kim, Tony, and Baxter zooms by.
On the helicopter.
Kim: …….
Baxter: ……
Tony: Talk about your awkward silences.
Kim: Why did you do it Baxter? WHY!?
Baxter: ……
Guard: He works for us, girlie.
Kim: Ugh….
Tony: How about a story to lighten the mood, huh.
Kim: No.
Tony: Okay, this story is called 'Goldilocks and the 3 Tyrannosaurus Rexes'. Goldilocks was walking through the forest…..
Kim: So Baxter, what was it? Money…..Power………something else cool? You……you……Benedict Arnold! Judas!...
Tony: …and she comes up to a house. She walks in and there were 3 plates of Sirloin Steak. Goldilocks tries the first steak, and she goes 'This steak is too bloody!'….
Baxter: Kim, I had a job to do. You're just going to have to understand that!
Tony: …she tries the second plate, and says 'This steak is too burnt!'.
Kim: Well, because of you my dad is probably going to have to rescue me, and a war is probably imminent because of something he did, so any blood that is shed will be all on you! Can you live with yourself knowing that? Huh?...HUH?
Tony: …she tries the last steak and goes, 'This one is just right'. Then the Dinosaurs walk in and eat her, she was delicious. The End!
Kim: I hope you know what you did.
Baxter: ……
Tony: God, you two are boring!
Tony scoots up to the front. He talks to the guard.
Tony: Hey, did you hear the one about 'The Pillsbury Doughboy working at the Bank'?
Guard: I did! It was awesome!
Tony: You know……I came up with that….
Guard: Get out…..
Tony: No really, I did!
Guard: Well my friend, you are talented.
Tony: I know……
Kim scoffs and stares out the window.
4:17:07, Falkor lands at Agatha's giant mansion. Mandy, and Ima carry Chloe by the arms and legs, Logan proceeds to the guard.
Logan: Good afternoon.
Guard: ID, please.
Logan: I am Terrorist number 8675309.
Guard: ………enter.
The giant door opens. Logan and the others go in.
Logan: Okay, you two. I need to go talk to my boss, you take Chloe to the holding cell.
Mandy and Ima waddle into a room. Logan walks down a hall, he turns left at a corridor and up to a door.
Door: Require Voice Recognition.
Logan: Charles Logan.
Door: Require Hand and Fingerprint Recognition.
Logan places his hand on a computer pad, which scans and records his prints.
Door: Require Retinal Scan.
Logan: Uh….okay.
Logan looks into a peep hole in the wall, a laser scans across his right eye; followed by three beeps.
Door: Require Blood Sample.
Logan: Good lord.
A needle protrudes from the wall and pricks Logan's finger, sampling some blood.
Logan: Can I go in now?
Door: ……..
Logan: …….
Door: Require Urine Sample.
Logan: GRR!
4:20:30, Jack arrives at a….
Jack: Enchanted Forest?! How the hell is there one of these in California?!
Jack steps out of the car and walks into the entrance of the forest.
Jack: Hello.
Suddenly, Lucky The Leprechaun pops out.
Lucky: Oooh, hee hee. Top of the mornin to ya!
Jack: Oh….you must be lucky.
Lucky: Aye, and you can be lucky as well, if you can find all of me Lucky Charms!
Jack: Excuse Me?
Lucky: There's Hearts, Stars, and Horseshoes…..
Jack: Yeah, I don't give a crap. How can I save Audrey?
Lucky: Oh, you're here for that. Follow me, Mr. Bauer.
Jack follows Lucky the Leprechaun deep within the forest.
Lucky: This is the only way you can save her, by completing these '7 Trials Of Heroism'.
Jack: Okie Dokie…
Lucky: Upon completion of the 7 Trials, you will receive an antidote, which is a magical liquid that will cure your friend's disease.
Jack: I thought she was under a spell…..
Lucky: Who cares? Just go on the first trial.
Jack: I'm ready!
Lucky: Okay, the first trial is 'The Trial Of Saving Children'. Let's walk.
Jack and Lucky walk out of the forest.
Lucky: You see that kid over there, getting Ice Cream from that vendor?
Jack: Ooooh, Ice Cream!
Lucky: Focus!
Jack: Sorry.
Lucky: He is about to be ran over by a bus.
Jack: That means I'll be first in line to get Ice Cream!
Lucky: NO, dumbass! You have to go save him!
Jack: How do you know if he's going to be hit by a bus?
Lucky: Uh, it's a test. I create these things; I wouldn't send you out doing random acts of kindness that might not even be needed. Now get going.
Jack: RIGHT!
Jack runs out of the forest and across the street.
Boy: Hi!
Jack: Hello.
Boy: I'll take…….that Ice Cream Drumstick.
Jack: Oh, I love those.
Vendor: Oooh, it's your lucky day, it's my last one.
Jack: I want it!
Jack pushes the boy out of the way…..and into the path of the oncoming bus. –WHAP!-
Jack walks back over to Lucky whose jaw is dropped from shock.
Jack (ice cream all over his face): So…..how did I do?
Lucky: YOU FAILED…..miserably.
Jack: What!? Why?!
Lucky: Not only did you NOT prevent the child from getting hit, you practically threw him in front of the bus! WRONG!
Jack: It was more or a 'push' than a 'throw'.
Lucky: -sigh-, let's move on to the next test.
4:24:15, Somewhere in the middle of no where.
Karen: I'm running! I'm running!
Maids: We're chasing! We're chasing!
Karen: Crap!
Anyhoo, back at the mansion.
Logan: Okay, it's been forever! Can I go in now!?
Door: Require Reenactment Of Dance Scene From 'Footloose'.
Logan: WHAT!? There's like, a million dance scenes in 'Footloose'! Let me in you stupid door!
The door opens.
Logan: FINALLY!
Logan walks in.
Logan: I have made it, my liege.
Mysterious Silhouette: I have called you in here today, Mr. Logan, to tell you that you're services are no longer needed.
Logan: What? What are you talking about?
Mysterious Silhouette: You've been replaced.
Logan: By who?
M. Silhouette: By Agatha Bauer!
Logan: WHAT!?
M. Silhouette: You seemed surprised. Why would I hold a meeting like this in her house.
Logan: Oh……well damn.
M. Silhouette: She is also the one who you were trying to compete with, and she just showed better results.
Logan: That's insane! She didn't do anything! She ran her operations in a 'Pizza Hut', flew around a couple of times. Hell, she wasn't even AT the press conference. I hijacked the dog from the 'Never-Ending story' to get here, I've been through a lot today and we're not even half way through the season. So I've done everything you asked me to!
M. Silhouette: Wrong! Mr. Logan! You did not.
Logan: What?
M. Silhouette: You're mole 'Ima Mole' successfully blew up CTU but they are still operational to the point they were able to prevent the Presidential Assassination!
Logan: Well, they knew anyway! I acted as an anonymous tipster to Bauer and CTU and told them this morning!
M. Silhouette: And why would you do that?
Logan: Well…….uh……well…….
M. Silhouette: So you gave the good guys the heads up for no reason, you failed at killing the President, you brought back Chloe O'Brian and NOT Jack Bauer, then you stole Fizzy Lifting Drinks and soiled my exhaust fan which now has to be cleaned and sterilized. So YOU LOSE! No lifetime supply of chocolate for you! Goodbye!
He pulls a rope; Logan falls through a trap door.
Logan: AAAHHHHH!!!!!
The Oompa Loompas come out to sing.
Oompa Loompas (singing): Oompa Loompa, doopity dist. What if you suck at being a terrorist?
M. Silhouette: Get out!
He pulls out a shotgun and opens fire as the Oompa Loompas scurry away. –KA BANG!-
The helicopter carrying Kim and Tony arrives at the mansion. The guards escort Kim and Tony into the mansion.
Guard: Take the girl to her room.
Kim: I get a room?
Tony: She gets a room?!
Guard: Yes. You get a cell with the other prisoner.
Tony: What other prisoner?
The guard drags Tony down a hall and throws him into the same cell as Chloe.
Tony: Chloe!
Chloe is still passed out.
Tony: Chloe, it's me Tony, your buddy.
Chloe: …..
Tony: Uh…….I just wanted to say that 'Last Night was just….magical'. –wink-
Chloe: WHAT?!
Tony: Knew that would wake you up….
Chloe: -cough- -cough-….ugh….oh my head……where are we?
Tony: Agatha Bauer's Mansion…..duhn duhn duuuuuuuhnnnn…..
Chloe: Are you serious? Where are the others? Where's Jack?
Tony: You know, I have no idea. You would think they would have called to check on us. But we've been held hostage twice, chased down at a hospital. It's just been a long day.
Chloe: Where's Doyle?
Tony: Shot. He's at the hospital.
Chloe: Geez. Well we have to get out of here.
Tony: Hmm……I got it!
Chloe: What?
Tony: All we have to do……is use our imagination.
Chloe: Oh great.
Tony: No, they do it all the time on 'Muppet Babies'. We just need to try very hard…..and……
Suddenly, a rocket lands in the cell. –CRASH-
Chloe: ACK!
An astronaut steps out of the rocket.
Astronaut: I'm Super Astronaut Carmen Electra, anybody want to take a space trip!
Tony: I do! I do!
Chloe: But Tony! Don't go! I love you!
Carmen: I love you more Tony!
Chloe: I'll fight you!
Carmen: Bring it!
Carmen Electra and Chloe go at it and fall into a giant tub of 'Cool Whip'. –SPLAT!-
Chloe slaps Tony.
Chloe: Will you snap out of it, you moron!
Tony: Sorry.
4:31:11, Nadia is still locked in the women's restroom / Sherry is looking onto the floor from the 2nd story office / Bill and Milo are pulling up to the mansion / Jack is still failing miserably.
Lucky: Okay, you pushed the boy in front of the bus; You let the old woman get picked up by the vulture; you let the other kid get eaten by an elephant; you let my hometown be destroyed by dark elves; you racked up my cell phone bill to $87,432.10; and finally you let my computer get infected with the 'Gwen Stefani Virus'.
Gwen Stefani appears on Lucky's computer.
Gwen: MWA HA HA! I am now the queen of this land! Harajuku Girls, ATTACK!
Gwen and her army of Harajuku girls parade around the computer screen deleting crap.
Gwen: MWA HA HA!!!
Lucky: Okay, you're sucking, quite badly. This is the final test. So you better pass it.
Jack: Okay.
Lucky: You have to go 5 seconds without swearing.
Jack: How is that an act of heroism?
Lucky: 5 seconds on the clock.
Jack: Oh! Okay.
Lucky: And……GO!
Jack: ……
Lucky: ……
Jack: ……
Lucky: …….
A bird craps on Jack's head.
Jack: DAMMIT!
Lucky: UGH! Okay, one more time. 5 seconds on the clock. And……..GO!
A bird craps on Jack's head again.
Jack: DOUBLE DAMMIT!
Lucky: Let's just try something else. Um………….you have to Reenact all the dance scenes from 'Footloose'!
Jack: YES! I was hoping we'd get to this one.
Jack starts to dance.
Jack (singing): Let's hear it for the boy……let's give the boy a haaaaaaaand.
Lucky: STOP! FAIL! No no no no no!
Jack: What?
Lucky: Man, you're worse than that one guy on American Idol who sung 'I got you babe' by Cher.
Jack whistles nervously.
Lucky: Oh man, that was you!? –sigh- Forget the trials.
Jack: WHAT!? But I have to save Audrey! Please, give me another chance!
Lucky: NO!
Jack: I'll be really good this time! Pretty please!
Lucky: Okay, there is ONE other way you can save your friend. But I might warn you….it's dangerous.
Jack: I better not do it then.
Lucky: Just do it, you wuss. Here….
Jack: What's this?
Lucky: These are directions how to get to a house where a horrible beast lives. You must slay this beast by 7:00 tonight.
Jack: Oh, that's probably what the doctor was talking about.
Lucky: Yea.
Jack: If that's so, what was the point of the tests?
Lucky: They're supposed to be FAR easier than doing the whole 'slay the beast' thing, but unfortunately, you're an idiot. So good luck, you'll need it. Ta ta!
Lucky disappears. –POOF-
Jack: Allright…….it's time……….
Jack scurries back to his car to head to the home of the hideous beast.
4:36:01, Karen seeks refuge at an IHOP.
Karen: Whew. Uh oh, I don't want to be spotted. Better go undercover.
A waitress walks by. Karen knocks her unconscious with a coffee pot and changes into her clothes.
Karen: Hmm…..this place is open 24/7 huh? I guess I didn't need to go undercover. Oh well.
Manager: SALLY! YO SALLY!
Karen: Yes! That's me!
Sally: Janet, don't be stupid. That's not your name!
Karen: Oh right…..I'm Janet.
Sally walks off.
Karen: I guess I can hide out here and try to avoid those waitresses. Hmm, and the fact that nobody knows what the Head of the Department of Homeland Security looks like kinda insults me a little. Oh well……ooooh pancakes!
Karen sits down at a booth next to a couple.
Woman: Uh….hey, we're sitting here!
Karen: I am too! We're going to be great friends. Can you pass me the butter, chief?
The man passes Karen the butter as she slathers her pancakes with it.
Karen whistles as she finishes her pancakes.
Karen: So get this, I run into Barbara Johnson at the mall today. I tell you one thing girlfriend, she looks damn fine for just having 11 kids.
The Manager walks up to Karen.
Manager: -ahem-
Karen: Uh…..hey, I'm sitting here.
The manager scowls at Karen.
Karen: ……pancake? (She holds up her fork).
4:39:10, back at the mansion.
Mandy: Well, I'm glad we at least get a couple of lines.
Ima: No kiddin.
Mandy: So what are we supposed to do now? Logan's been in that office for a while.
Ima: Say what's this?
Mandy and Ima enter a room that is has an extremely tall ceiling ending up to a ceiling fan.
Ima picks up a bottle on the counter.
Ima: Hmm…..'Fizzy Lifting Drinks'. I'm curious….
Mandy: Try it.
Ima: I'm scared.
Mandy: Do I need to start calling you 'Ima Scared'?
Ima: Very funny.
Mandy: I'll try it.
Mandy grabs the bottle and takes a swig.
Mandy: Tastes like crap.
Ima: I wanna try.
Ima tries some of the soda as well.
Ima: Yes……it blows.
Mandy: Okay, let's find Logan so we can get the hell outta……what the….
Mandy starts to left off of the ground.
Mandy: ACK!
Ima starts to slowly rise off the ground too.
Ima: What was that stuff?!
Mandy and Ima are floating to the top of the ceiling.
Mandy: Hey, this is fun!
Mandy does a mid-air flip.
Ima: Yea, this is great! Weeeeeeeeeeee!
Mandy: I wonder when it wears off.
Ima: ACK! MANDY!
Mandy: What?
They look up toward the ceiling. To the giant fan that is spinning.
Mandy: We're going to be chopped up!
Ima: This isn't pleasant!
Mandy: Hey, I got it! Burp!
Ima: No, that's rude!
Mandy: Uh……fan?
Ima burps once and instantly falls to the floor.
Ima: AAAAAAAAHHHH –SPLAT!-
Mandy burps as well, slowly making her way to the ground.
Mandy: Whew, that was close.
Ima: OW!...that hurt.
Mandy: Let's get the hell out of here…..
4:44:44, at the press conference.
Tom finally transforms into Sailor Moon.
Tom: Okay, Mr. Australian President! Prepare to meet your maker! And…..uh……
Noah and Tom are the only ones standing at the stage.
Tom: Where did he go?
Noah: He left 30 minutes ago because he didn't feel like standing here while you pranced around like a ninny. Now come on, we have to get back to the White House and see what we are going to do about Jack Bauer.
Tom rips off his Sailor Scout clothes and back into his normal ones.
Noah: If we sacrifice Jack, the terrorists will win. If we don't Australia will declare war……..I don't know……what do you think?
Tom: Hmmm……..
4:45:22, Noah and Tom head back to the motorcade / Nadia is banging at the women's restroom door / Jack stops for some gas / Bill and Milo are standing outside the mansion.
Bill: Here we are.
Milo: Yes.
Bill: Okay, what's our plan?
Milo: Uh…..I was kinda hoping that you would be the one who would cover that.
Bill: Okay…..I have a plan.
Milo: That was fast….
Bill: Here.
Bill lays out a blueprint of the mansion.
Milo: How the hell did you get that?!
Bill: We enter through the west window. Make our way down this corridor and stop at the snack machine. Then we will make our way up the stairs where there is a dungeon on the left where Chloe is, I will reenact as many dance scenes 'Footloose' as I can to distract the guard while you take his keys and free Chloe. I will kill the guard, and we will escape through the trash chute. We will escape and make our way to the nearby 'Denny's.
Milo: Okay, that's enough.
Bill: I will get a 'Moons Over My Hammy', and you can order whatever you want. Nothing for Chloe though.
Milo: Okay, Bill….
Bill: After we eat we will make our way to 'Chuck E. Cheese's' to play some of the games and destroy as many of the mascots as we possibly can. Then we take a nap….then we…..
Milo: Can we just get going?
Bill: Okay……uh oh, I just forgot what we were supposed to do.
Milo: Well, that's okay, we can go by the blueprint.
Bill: Uh oh, this is a blueprint to Elton John's house!
Milo: Great! Now what!?
Bill: Will have to go through the front door…
Milo: What? You have to be kidding me! We'll be killed…
Bill: Unless if they don't know it's us. Look….
Bill notices a couple of Girl Scouts making their way to the front door.
Bill: Let's get them!
Milo: Uh Bill….
Bill runs out from the car, Milo follows.
Bill: BONZAI!
The Girl Scouts pull out their guns.
Milo: EEEEK!
Bill: Run away!
Bill and Milo take cover behind the car as the Girl Scouts open fire.
Bill: Hmmmm…..that didn't work.
Milo: You think?!
Bill: How are we going to get in there? We're running out of time.
Milo: That's Jack's line….
Bill: I need a moment to think……..Hopefully I'll have something after the split screen.
And with that the screen shrinks down at 4:53:04, Bill is thinking about is next strategy as Milo sits on the ground / Nadia is lying on the women's restroom floor / Audrey is still unconscious / Sherry is walking down the steps from the office / Morris' eyes are blood shot from playing to much 'Donkey Kong' / Michelle is calling Nadia's name over the intercom / Kim is lying down on a very nice bed in her 'cell' / Tony tries to spoon his way out while Chloe keeps watch / Baxter is walking down a hallway / Logan regains consciousness after falling down the trap door / Mandy and Ima are still wandering the halls / Karen is wiping down tables at the IHOP / Jack is driving down the road.
Nadia sits up, she looks around for anything to use to get herself out.
Nadia: Man, if I had a quarter for every time I got myself locked in a bathroom…..
Voice: Help……help me…..
Nadia: Huh?
Nadia slowly creeps to the one bathroom stall that's closed. She reluctantly puts her hand up to the door and shoves it open.
Nadia: Hmm…..nothing here…..
A mysterious hand comes out of nowhere and clamps a rag with chloroform over her nose and mouth. Nadia struggles for a couple of seconds before she slumps to the ground. The assailant picks Nadia up and carries her out of the bathroom.
At the mansion, Bill looks back over the car.
Bill: Allright, we have a way in.
Bill and Milo sneak up on a couple of Storm troopers who were selling candy door to door for a 'Death Star Fundraiser'.
ST Bob: Man, I hate doing this.
ST Adam: Yes, but what are you going to do.
Bill and Milo knock out the Storm Troopers and put on their uniforms, including their helmets.
A guard answers the door.
Bill: Trick Or Treat!
Guard: ……….enter.
Bill: Hmm…..that was easy. See Milo, I'm good at this….
Milo: Yea yea…….
At CTU, Sherry is confronted by a rather large, muscular bald headed man wearing an earring.
Sherry: Oh crap, Division again!?
Man: No. Director Palmer, my name is Clean. Mr. Arnold Clean.
Sherry: Uh……can I help you?
Mr. Clean: Yes, Mrs. Palmer, I am here to conduct A Health Inspection.
Sherry: GAH!
Michelle: AGH!
Morris: YES! Beat the game! Take that, Bill! (starts doing a little dance) Go Morris! Go Morris! It's your birthday, dahling. Go me!
Mr. Clean: I would hope that this place gets a good score…..or I'm going to have to shut down CTU…..for good.
Sherry looks at Michelle, who is shocked.
At the Mansion Prison.
Tony: It's no use.
Chloe: Well, can't say I'm surprised.
A guard enters.
Guard: Well, our job here is finished, so we have no use for you two.
Tony: Are you guys hiring?
Guard: Shut up. Well, have fun. They're all yours Baxter.
Tony: Uh oh.
Chloe: Who?
Baxter walks into the cell….licking his lips.
Tony: Baxter, you look delighted to see us. Did you just have a big meal?
Baxter: I'm about to.
Chloe: Oh no! He's going to eat us!...What the hell?….he talks?!
Baxter moves in closer to Tony and Chloe.
Tony: Uh! Come on Bax, you don't want to eat us…..especially Chloe….who's extremely bitter.
Chloe (scowling): I hope he eats you first!
Tony: Back! Bad kitty!...
Chloe: I can't help to think that this is Jack's fault somehow.
Jack zooms by on the road.
Jack: Okay……going to slay the hideous beast at……huh!?
Jack is coming up on the view of…..
Jack: Agatha's House?! What the Shrek is going on? The beast lives here? I better call that stupid Leprechaun and ask some….
-CRASH-
Jack: OOF!
Jack realizes that another car is trying to drive him off the road. Jack tries to turn the wheel and push his way back, the other car slams into Jack's car from the side again. His car veers off of the road and flips over several times before landing upside down in a ditch. Jack passes out in the seat……..
The car that ran him off turns back around and drives to the scene. The driver gets on a cell phone and dials a number.
Driver: It's been done…….Bauer shouldn't be a problem anymore Mr. President.
The presidential Motorcade zooms by, on it's way back to the White House.
Noah (on the phone): Good…….you did well………
Noah hangs up the phone……..
Tom: Did he do it?
Noah: Yes………
Tom: I hope it was the right thing to do.
Noah: We had no choice.
Tom: Should I change into Sailor Moon?
Noah: Please don't…..
4:59:57
4:59:58
4:59:59
5:00:00
Paul: '24 On Ice' was a hit!
Fred: How the hell did that happen?!
Paul: I'm just that good.
Fred: Well, at least we don't have to deal with that anymore…
Paul: Are you kidding? I signed us up for this upcoming season. We're contracted to do 100 shows in all 50 states!
Fred: AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!
Paul: I KNOW! I'm excited too!
NEXT TIME: ON 24!
-SWOOSH-
This Summer, Jack Bauer will star in the most thrilling movie of the year. THE GRUDGE 3.
Jack enters a creepy old house.
Jack: Hello? I'm here to take care of an old woman!
Cheng Zhi: Hello, Mr. Bauer!
Jack: Oh crap, not you again!
Cheng: I believe we have some unfinished business, seeing how you killed our Consul.
Jack: Okay, first off, that was like, 9 years ago, get over it! Second, I didn't kill him; your guards just don't know how to aim a gun. And third, stop bugging me, it's really annoying.
Jack turns around to see a small child.
Child: Meow…..
Jack: Okay, I just wet myself……
-SWOOSH-
Bill and Milo are studying some security monitors.
Milo: Look!
They see Kim Bauer imprisoned.
Milo: Who is that!?
Bill: That's Kim Bauer, you should know that.
Milo: She's…..beautiful….
Bill: Well Milo……she is your sister……and I am your father.
Milo: WHAT?!
Bill: HA! I'm just messin with ya!
-SWOOSH-
Wink Martindale: Okay Jack Bauer, your team can win the million dollars! But you have to complete this final challenge. You must sing every song on the 'Footloose' soundtrack.
Jack: OH! It's a dream come true! With pleasure, Wink!
Chloe: Do you just hate America!?
Jack: How rude…..
ANOTHER BRAND NEW HOUR OF 24, NEXT WEEK……beep…..beep…..beep…..beep…..beep……..