Chapter Ten: Bleeding Wishes

I reached the house in record time but I didn't really take notice of it or the fact that Neil was still passed out on the couch. Those were background things unimportant to me or my life. Like a phantom I walked to my room not hearing anything feeling nothing but guilt and pain. I lifted up the lose floorboards in my room and grabbed the first tape out of thirty or so. I wouldn't be able to watch it seeing as we didn't own a TV or a VCR but I had already memorized what was on it. Or at least half of what was on it seeing as the other half was for the Cullens and Jason's parents, which reminded me I still didn't know their names. I felt a wave of guilt hit me for that to. We had been told by our mom not watch their part until they were with us and then only if they wanted us to watch it with them. Though how she knew they would ever be in our life I'm still not sure about.

I felt the tears well up into my eyes and begin streaking silently down my face. Everyday the strength of how much I missed my mom blew me away and now was no different. Though now my emotions were joined by another, longing. Longing to be able to ask my mom what to do, to have her hold me and tell me everything is going to be Okay. But I hadn't heard her voice since my fifteenth birthday and the phantom voice I hear in my head never changes tone or pitch therefore it didn't hold her warmth. But the tape in my hand did as did the others that were in our floor.

But they just repeated the same words over and over again and never did they say the words I needed to hear, it would not be on there because she hadn't said it to me in my section or to Jacob in his section. So they would be no use to me now at this very second and yet there was a nagging feeling in my gut that told me what I needed was right in front of me, I just wasn't seeing it.

More tears fell at a faster pace down my face, I didn't bother trying to wipe them away, for more were already taking there place. I wondered not for the first time about Hell and Heaven. It was inevitable that I would, as its inevitable for anyone not to wonder when they've lost a loved one.

My mother hadn't been a saint she had made mistakes as anyone had and yet she had been a good person. She was open minded about everything around her and was able to believe in the mythical while still being logical. She believed in the divine and the science. But where would a woman like her end up? I did not think it would be hell for the worst thing she had ever done was falling in love with an immortal vampire. And that hadn't really been her fault seeing as what kind of prey can stand up to its predator? But at the same time it was also one of her most self sacrificing thing she had done. To love what is naturally a monster and to try and redeem it of its sins.....was there ever a more impacting image of true love and courage?

Perhaps she was neither in Heaven or Hell but in a place such as purgatory where she was forced to contemplate every decision she had made. After all she had fraternized with monsters and let me and abomination to the world survive. That needed to be punished but at the same time those acts showed a rare and honest truth, a love so pure that not even the evilest of evils that the devil himself would not go near, could over come it and love the horror that it was.

I felt his arms wrap around me tightly before i recognized his presence. Tensing at first I relaxed within his embrace. I let myself be held by the one who had always cared, who had always know what I needed usually before I had even figured out I needed something. Jason had sat with me as I had watched the tape I now held in my hand, he had wiped away the tears I had cried and when it had gone to his section I had sat by his side and wiped away his tears just as he done mine. He had seen me at my worst when I was nothing but a mess of bloodshot eyes, trembling hands, quivering lips, and tearstained face and so I had no qualms about him seeing me like this.

"I wish I could ask her what to do. I wish she could somehow tell me what's the right thing. I know I can't but I still wish it. Is that crazy?" My voice sounded much younger then it actually was as if I was no more then a ten year old scared and frightened girl asking for reassurance.

"No it doesn't make you crazy Keira, it simply makes you human." I snorted at that.

"I don't know if you've noticed lately but I'm not exactly human." I told acidly.

"Not in the sense of having a beating heart or blood running through your veins but in the sense of you having humanity. You don't wish to be a murder, you don't wish to forget, and you don't wish to make the wrong choices because they'll hurt others. And Ria if you want to take the opinion of a werewolf slash vampire hybrid then here it is. I think you already know what the right thing to do is. I think that's why you have a "I'm guilty" look all over your face. Don't be stubborn Ria." I looked up at him in disbelief.

"How......"

".....did I know you were feeling guilty? Because I've known you for what eight nine years now. You'd think you'd have gotten over the shock of me knowing your every secret or well pretty much every secret." He whispered in my ear, I felt myself blush and grin.

"You know all my secrets." I told him punching his shoulder lightly. I Looked up at him to find his eyes amused but there was a softness within them that let me know he agreed with what I had said and was glad of it. I know he saw the same softness in my eyes.

I lost myself in his eyes and the feeling of his arms around me. All I could think about was how much I wanted to feel his lips on my own. I barely noticed myself drifting upward as he was lowering his head toward mine. Nothing in me told me to stop this before it happened instead everything in me rejoiced that it was finally happening. Our lips were just a hair away from each other I felt his breath coat my face, and I suppressed a shiver.

Our lips connected for only the slightest of seconds before we both pulled back slightly to see if the other one was going to dash the others hopes. When neither of us did are lips were joined once more and began a fierce battle for dominance. As his tongue played with my own I felt myself let out a small moan and let myself surrender to his assault.

He pulled away from my lips allowing both of us to breathe for it had become even uncomfortable for me. Though his lips trailed down the side of my jaw and rested on the pulse point of my neck. He suckled and nibbled at the most sensitive part of my exposed skin causing another moan to escape my lips, I felt him smile and I had to fight the urge to whack him upside the head. After a few more moments of teasing me with his lips at my neck and shoulder he rested his head on my shoulder. Somehow I had turned so I was now straddling his lap.

"You have no idea as to how long I've wanted to do that." He murmured softly. I laughed quietly and kissed him on the cheek.

"I think I have some understanding....." I told him playfully. He laughed and looked me in the eye. Smiling softly he kissed me on the forehead and I let out a sigh.

Silence descended upon us and we were happy to simply enjoy each others company. His hands rubbed up and down my back slowly, leisurely. I laid my head on his chest and curled my legs around his back, pulling my body completely flush with his own. Closing my eyes I let my body relax and let the exhilaration of what had just happened sink into my bones and mind.

When I opened my eyes I found that it was pitch black outside though now I had night vision. I had always been able to see better then an average human in the dark but now it was unlike anything I had ever encountered. It wasn't like seeing through night vision goggles nor was it like seeing everything as if it were day, instead it was like a mixture. Everything had a different color......it took me a moment to figure out what they were....heat signatures.

I could see every movement, every twitch of a leaf, every bat, I could see everything but at the same time I felt like I could see nothing for the colors were so bright that they blended together and caused my eyes to hurt and my head to ache. I turned away from the window and sat up. I was in my room covered up with what blankets that we had which couldn't really be considered blankets at all.

"What's up?" Jason's voice broke my thoughts and I turned to face him. His hair was falling slightly into his eyes as he leaned against our room's doorframe. I smiled at him and shrugged.

"The darkness is different. I see heat signatures, with colors, and while I can see everything like that its hard to at times because some things are brighter then others. Leaves me with a headache/" I told him pouting slightly at the end. He laughed a he walked into the room. Sitting down on the floor beside me with a sigh he let a frown overcome his face.

"There bed was so comfy this floor is flipping hard. Can't we just go back over to their house for their bed and running water. You do remember what running water is right?" He asked worriedly. I looked at him and cocked an eyebrow, he saw me looking and nodded.

"What and ask hey we have no desire to talk or get to know you but can we sleep in one of your beds? Yeah I'm sure that would go over really well." He grinned at me and I was reminded of him when he was in wolf form.

"Well I was going to say you could go over there and act like you wanted to get to know them while I took a cat nap and a nice scalding hot shower." I looked over at him and saw his face was completely serious. I rolled my eyes and shook my head.

"You're out of your mind.....out of your freaking mind." I told him sarcastically my eyes rolling. He merely laughed and started to tickle my sides knowing they were my weakness. "Sto---stop......" My words cut off as I run out of oxygen from laughing so hard. My sides ache and yet Jason's hands were relentless, finally after it seemed as if hours had passed he stopped. We took a few moments to regain our breath and let our laughter subside.

"You do know you're going to have to talk to them right?" Jason asked me seriously. I looked at him for a moment a million thoughts and emotions crowding my mind and body. I nodded reluctantly. We both laid down, my head on his chest and his arms around me.

"You're going to have to speak with your parents to you know." I told him quietly. He merely stayed silent causing me to look up at him with a quirked eyebrow.

"I know I will. Though I'm not sure as to what I'm going to say to them." He said sighing slightly.

"I know." I was having the same problem after all what were you supposed to say to people you thought you would never meet? What was the proper etiquette for being around your long lost families? Was there even one? I didn't think there was one and if that were the case then like many other things we were going to have to plow are own way through the unknown.

A/N Alright now I'm not really satisfied with this chapter but it has to be here, Next chapter will be more exciting I promise. You'll finally meet officially Jason's parents and a nicer more civilized meeting between the Cullens and Keira.