Please please please give me inspiration to write! I'm still so excited about this story but I'm dying inside! I need a muse!
Song for this chapter : Teddy Geiger - For You I Will (Confidence)
Chapter 8 - Getting to Know Her
Edward's POV
She looked miserable. My dearest Bella was in pain and I felt there was nothing I could do to help her. I couldn't save her from the pain of a loved one's death. I couldn't read her mind, granted, but I could somehow sense her pain. She and I were connected, it felt like.
She was hiding her pain well though. One second she was on the verge of tears, the next she was half smiling in that way that I adored. I wanted to make her smile completely though. When would I see her joy? Hear her laugh? I wanted to tonight. So I offered my hand, hoping she'd take me up on my offer.
"I won't bite," I said, praying I was right. It had been miserable being in the same classroom with her. Now I had to hold back from taking her life in my own house. Everywhere I went throughout my home, I could smell her. Now I knew what it was like to be Jasper at school.
She looked apprehensive, but she finally put her hand in mine and I stepped back to allow her into my room. Several feelings ran through me all at the same time. How happy I was that she had accepted to spend time with me. How fearful I was that I would bite her. How anxious, wondering what we would talk about.
But it turns out it was easy to talk to Bella. Extremely easy. I'd never had a better time getting to know someone. I had offered her the opportunity to sit on the bed and she refused. At first. We both sat on the floor, talking about homework, books, Arizona, Alaska. We talked about sports and swimming (basically the only form of movement she liked doing because she was so clumsy, she told me). Then there were animals, the kids at school (we both went on a little too much talking about Newton), my family (she moved to sit comfortably on the bed at this point).
Several times we'd gotten tenderizingly close to the subject of Charlie. Each time, she completely veered off in another direction. I didn't ask her to talk about it. It had been several hours since he'd died. Who needed to talk about death and tragedy so soon? No, I would not push her.
It seemed as if there was never a lull in the conversation and eventually I got up to change the cd again. We'd gone through four of them. When I turned around, ready to continue speaking, I found her head placed delicately on her arm and her eyes pressed shut. A second longer of watching her, I found her breathing was level and she was asleep.
I'd never been more torn apart in that moment. Her neck was exposed, her hair pulled back over one shoulder. But many more things ran through me than just hunger. I was jealous, mostly. How easy it was for her to just fall asleep, slip into a land of dreams and peace. I was happy though, that she was able to fall into that place, a place she so desperately needed right now. Hopefully her dreams wouldn't become nightmares.
I went over to the bed and kneeled at her side. My hand shook as I reached forward and slid my fingertips through the length of her hair. It was like silk, so soft. Her heat radiated off of her and I thought it warmed me for a moment. All I desired was to lift the covers and lay right beside her, to hold her in my embrace.
Something cold went through my chest and I had to breathe past it. That could never happen. I could never be with Bella. I was entertaining fantasies and if I wasn't careful, there was a chance they could consume me. I pulled my hand away from her warm, tantalizing skin at the base of her neck and glanced at the clock.
It was already three in the morning. We had been talking for nearly four hours. I tried not to but my gaze returned back to Bella and, eventually, so did my hand. I was so preoccupied running my fingertips through her hair that I didn't hear Esme's thoughts as she approached. A creak of my door and her voice was what alerted me.
"Bella- oh," she started, lowering her voice once she saw us. My hand had immediately pulled away from Bella as I turned around to see Esme, her head poked just a little into the doorway. I gave a weak smile and got to my feet to face her.
"We were talking, listening to music... And then she fell asleep," I said, glancing at her once more.
"How envious," Esme said. I turned to look at her and saw her half smiling. I let out a small breath. How reassuring it was to have someone else who felt how I did. To envy someone who could do something as simple as sleep. I gave her a thankful smile.
"When I took her to our room, to find her something to wear, and she came back out with that... It was odd, to say the least. I used to wear that years ago, when I still entertained the idea that we could pretend to sleep. Now it's just more simple to walk around in sweats," Esme said, her voice barely audible even to me.
There was a bit of silence and both of our gazes had made their ways to Bella. How bitter sweet it was to stand here and watch her. A sweet torture, of some sort.
"Put something over yourself so she doesn't get cold when you take her to her room," Esme's voice broke the silence.
"Hm?" I asked, turning to look at her. She gave me a knowing smile.
"She should be sleeping in her room," she said and I gave a small smile. I heard the underlying warning in her voice. Or perhaps I read her mind. It was so hard to keep the voices out.
What if you couldn't control yourself while Bella was sleeping and no one else was around?...
I gave a short nod and Esme turned away, leaving the door open behind her.
As soon as Esme left, I suddenly could concentrate even more on Bella's scent. My breath caught in my throat as I turned around to see her. Had she always smelled this strongly? Or was it just my vampire instincts kicking in after there was no one to keep Bella safe? No one would be able to stop me right now, if I just walked over...
I went over to her and found my hand drifting out to stroke over the side of her throat. My mouth was open, my teeth hurting, begging for me to give in. Even though I didn't have to breathe, I was. All the more to sense her, I heard my inner demon saying.
I pulled away and turned around immediately.
It will start out as sensing, but then it will lead to smelling her, breathing her in, drinking her in. I'll be drowning in everything that is Bella.
I closed the door to my closet behind me, locking myself inside. I began browsing for a long sleeved shirt. The girl was tempting my soulless body... Everything about her begged me to take her as mine. All I wanted to do now was sink my teeth into her, take her life. What kind of person was I?
I closed my eyes, trying to clear my thoughts as I pulled a sweatshirt off a hangar and pulled it to my chest. Yes, Bella smelled incredible. She was irresistible, every part of her. Her blood called me, yes.
I opened my eyes and yanked the sweatshirt on over my head, pulling it down more roughly than needed.
But all those things didn't mean that I had to give in.
I let out a breath and then opened the closet door, shutting it behind me louder than I should have. The echoing sound made Bella shift in her sleep. I held my breath, hoping I hadn't woken her. I was frozen, like a deer in headlights. She turned over, laying on her back... yet not laying on her back.
She was a walking, seductive, temptress.
Both her shoulders touched the bed, causing her to lay on her back. But her legs were still turned as if she were laying on her side. Her shorts had ridden up. Her legs, those long, tempting, gorgeous, mile high legs, they went on and on... I swallowed, closing the distance between me and the bed.
I reached down and pushed a strand of hair off her face. The way she was laying... It begged me to take her. What was this girl? Some walking paradox for living? At every turn, she was putting herself in danger. Cars, rapists, boys, sidewalks, AIR... And now she was sleeping in a vampire's home. Not just one vampire. Seven.
I didn't know how much longer I could deny her...
A single thought raced through my head in that moment.
Tomorrow morning, she'll be gone. After that, the only time I'll see her is at school.
It was enough to calm me. Somewhat.
I leaned down and slid my arms neatly under her weight and lifted her as if she were a feather into my arms. As I stood upright, her scent wafted towards me and I caught myself, stopping my breath.
Within the second, I was out of my room and into hers. Supernatural speed came in handy in this situation. I felt as if I was frozen again. My mind was battling, my inner demon begging to win the war.
I pulled her body close to me, appreciating her warmth. I let myself take in one breath of her-
And then I laid her down in the bed, as gently as was possible. She shifted once more, but apparently she was a heavy sleeper. I lifted her again just slightly so that I could pull the comforter from under her. I brought it over her body and then tucked it in around her, watching her curl up into the warmth.
And then I sat down beside her and watched her. Like the stalker I was. The feelings, the emotions came back to me in that moment. When I had saved Bella from the creepers down that alley way in Port Angeles... I had been stalking her, there was no other word for it. Sitting in her room some nights, watching her sleep? Yeah. A stalker.
What the fuck was wrong with me?
I leaned back against the headboard of her bed and closed my eyes, bringing my hand up to wipe at my eyes, at my face in general. I let out a deep breath and then shook my head. What I was feeling for Bella wasn't normal. Sure, I'd gotten the occasional urge to feed on a human girl before. I'd even had the urge to sleep with them.
But what I felt with Bella... What I wanted to do to her. It was all wrong.
Everything about me was wrong.
Everything about her was right.
I let my hand fall down to my side and opened my eyes so I could look at her.
WHY did she keep finding her dare devil way back to me? Why was she putting herself in this sort of danger?
I obviously wasn't going to get my answer from her. I wasn't going to come up with it on my own. There was only one person I went to when I couldn't perceive an answer to something.
I got to my feet and looked at the door before I turned back to Bella. I leaned over her and brushed another strand of hair away. Before I knew what I was doing, I had my frigid lips pressed to Bella's forehead.
Some light sort of electrical current flowed from her living, lovely, thriving skin and connected with my dead, wasting lips. It made me jerk back. My hand went up to touch my lips. This was something I'd only read about in Alice's ridiculous fantasy romance novels. This didn't exist, this electrical current of attraction. I swallowed and backed out of her room, shutting off the bedroom light and closing her door.
When I knocked at Carlisle's study, it took him a moment before he answered.
"Come in," his voice spoke, quiet and, barely audible, stressed. I briefly closed my eyes before I opened the door and stepped inside. I shut it behind me as he looked up to see who had interrupted him. He gave me a slight, crooked smile. It was a smile that I'd only seen once before. A smile that cried 'I don't know what I'm doing, but this has to be the right thing.'
I walked forward into the room and he let his hand move to indicate I could sit if I wanted. I didn't know if I could have this conversation sitting down. Every muscle inside me was tense.
"Carlisle, she shouldn't be here," I whispered as I paced before him. I couldn't bring my eyes to look at him.
"Have you hurt her?" I heard him ask, nearly on top of my comment. My head shot up.
"No!" I cried. He seemed to relax after that, leaning back in his chair. I let out a breath and ran my hand through my hair. "I could have... I was so close. You don't understand what she smells like to me, how she tempts me-"
"I understand perfectly. Edward, you're my son. You have excellent control. I knew you could do this. If you couldn't do it for yourself, for your own guilt, you'd do it for her. She just lost her father. She needs someone right now," he said. I stopped pacing for a moment, looking out the window to his left. My hand was at the nape of my neck, working nervously.
There was a silence that dragged on for what felt like ages. Ages, to a vampire. That was a joke.
"... I don't know how to live without her. But I can't live with her. How am I supposed to do this? How am I supposed to be selfless and put her best interest before this ache that's begging me to be with her, all day, every day? How am I, Edward Cullen, supposed to win this battle?" I asked, finally taking the seat he had previously offered.
I watched Carlisle, feeling like I was a monster. It was the only thought that ran through my head as he slowly got out of his chair and walked around the desk. I watched him, not letting him leave my sight. He paced a little beside the desk, as if he were searching for an answer. He didn't have one then? I really was fucked...
He faced me then, turning his whole body to me and crossing his arms over his stomach.
"Edward, you've found your singer. The one who's blood calls to you. But life... It doesn't end after this. I had a singer. Before I met you, before I even knew about the Volturi, there was a girl. I had tried to stay away from her. For so long, I stayed my distance, I watched her. I cared for her, protected her. For nearly 20 years, I wove in and out of her life. I went where she did, I moved whenever she did. Eventually, I followed her in the shadows, because she had mentioned that I hadn't looked a day older than the first she met me. Their was suspicion in her eyes. I couldn't let her find out what I was," he said, his smile very weak. He brought one of his arms out of its crossed position and waved it through the air, as if he had just cast an anchor on a fishing line.
"So I waited and watched her. She was in her 50's, a ripe age at that time... She had a husband, children... And it hurt so much to watch her have that life, knowing I couldn't be a part of it," I'd never seen Carlisle so bitter, so brooding. He was hurting as he recounted this, I could tell.
"But it had been better than when she died. I won't lie to you, no, it was a horrible time. Miserable. I wanted to die more than ever after that. More than that first night I had found out I had turned into a vampire... But I remembered her smile, her laughter, her hope. I went on, living for her memory. After that, after being with the Volturi, finally coming to my place at a hospital, every life I saved, I thought of her," he was smiling again now, looking me straight in the eye. I couldn't look away, not even if I tried.
"She made me a better person. Or, whatever you would call us. She made me want to be perfect, it was as if she was still walking around me, watching me do good," he said. He moved his other arm from its crossed position now and gave a half hearted shrug. He made his way over to me and put his hand on my shoulder, squeezing firmly.
"Edward, don't take Bella for granted. Be there for her while you can, while you CAN still be with her. Because one of my biggest regrets was that I hadn't given myself a chance with Chloe..." he said, his voice barely above a whisper. I gave him a moment, knowing it would be insensitive to badger him with my only question so soon after he finished.
He gave me a small smile as I looked up at him and nodded, as if knowing I wanted to ask something.
"Carlisle, what you said... It all sounds so horrible. How can I endure that? I'm not as good as you, I'm not as strong-"
"Edward, think of Bella..." he said. I gave him a stubborn look and he raised an eyebrow. "Honestly, think of her right now," he said. I sighed and let out a breath, letting my thoughts drift to her.
"Now, imagine her in ten years, you still in her life. Whether as a lover or a friend," he said. I fast forwarded time, imagining Bella as he said. I saw us walking along the cloud covered beach, her hand in mine. I tried to bat away the thoughts, but they wouldn't stop. He'd opened a flood gate.
Flashes of Bella on top of me, her chest bare. Under me, her face pressed with pleasure. In the shower, not knowing I was undressing to join her. Her smile as she sat in a cozy chair in front of a fireplace, her feet tucked neatly beneath her...
"Now, do you think she'd want you to die?" Carlisle's voice asked. My eyes popped open and I stared directly up at him. I was dumb struck.
"What?" I asked, sounding just as dumb as I felt. He chuckled a little.
"Do you honestly think that Bella would want any harm to come to you? That she'd want you to stop existing, to stop searching for happiness, just because she moved on?" he asked. Something in my chest fell, slowly, weighing me down.
"You'll live for her, son. She's already in your life, you've already become attached. Now the only difference is if you're going to make the most out of the time you have," he said. I lowered my gaze, letting my thoughts drift over his words. Without trying, his thoughts floated to me, flooding my mind.
And eventually, if you don't turn Bella, you'll make my same mistake... You'll get tired of being lonely, some occurrence will happen and you'll see someone dying, like I saw my Esme... You won't be able to stand it any more and you'll make a rash decision. But your life will be better because of it.
I nodded quietly, listening to his thoughts. So those were my choices then?... Love Bella, spend time with her and then leave her to die when it would expose me... Wait for another girl to come along and change her? Or let Bella become what Alice already saw her as. What I myself has seen her as by looking into Alice's mind... A vampire, like us.
"Just give it some thought. You have plenty of time," he said, giving my shoulder another squeeze before he pulled his hand away and went back to his seat. I took my leave, saying a heavy goodnight to my, for all intents and purposes, father.
As I came to the top of the stairs and peered in to check on Bella, I decided there was a reason I'd gone to him. He had answered my question. It hadn't been the answers I wanted, but he had given me my options.
He had given me a choice.
And I had made my decision.
A/N : God this was a long chapter, don't you think? I know my Edward haters are out there, and you probably didn't enjoy this chapter all too much, but sadly, I don't do "Bella runs straight into Jacob's arms" stories. This story will be a lot of Bella and Edward, and to compensate, I'll give you great, wonderful, yummy, delicious Jacob-ness. Lots of spurts of it.
Review? I'm kind of losing hope in this story, but I really want to continue it. School is just getting me down and giving me some writers block. Your reviews give me hope, love and happiness!