A/N: Eller! I just wanted to say thank you again to everyone who sticks around to see what's next. You're support of this story keep it alive, you know! I hope to take this story far. I'm thinking of taking it to about 15-20 chapters. It depends on my writing. Hope you enjoy this. Also, I suggest you listen to the song Scream My Name by Tove Lo while o reading this. I listened to it while writing it. I don't know why, I just felt like it fit for some reason.
Chapter Nine
Fucking up my happy ending, but I will take bullets to the heart.
- Tove Lo, Scream My Name
The following morning, I decide to take a walk to the beach myself. Johanna and Annie offer to tag along, but I decide this is a trip I need to take alone. The walk to the beach is a pleasant one and I take the scenic route, watching as seagulls dip low into the water and the waves crash against the shore. Victors and their families all stop me on the way, smiles on their faces. Some congratulate me on my engagement - which I correct to marriage - and others thank me. Some have heart felt stories about how I helped them during the war. I speak with each briefly before one of us decide to continue on our own way. It's nice to be smiled at for an entirely different reason than because I'm famous.
When I arrive at the beach, I spot two silhouettes on the beach and run towards them, expecting them to be Effie and Haymitch, or maybe even my mother.
I stop short, however, when I find that it is not neither Effie nor my mother Haymitch is sitting with, but Peeta. I quickly duck behind a rock before they see me. So Haymitch lied, and Peeta is in Four. I wonder when he was going to tell me, that bastard. I try and steady my breathing so I can hear them. Although their voices are faint, they are carried by the wind and from my position, I can see and hear them perfectly.
"... disgusting, Haymitch," Peeta scoffs, his hair whipping in the ocean breeze. I notice it's gotten longer in the small amount of time it's been since I've been with him. When he turns to look at Haymitch, I can see his eyes are dark with envy. Shifting my position a bit, I can see they're both smoking cigarettes. Since when does Haymitch or Peeta smoke?
"Your girlfriend has been forcing herself into me these past few weeks and I'm disgusting?" I can picture Haymitch rolling his eyes in annoyance.
"It's not rape if you're having fun," they lapse into a silence before, "So you love her, now?"
"I've always loved her, boy. But now I'm in love with her. I guess you were right when you said she has no idea the effect she could have. I hadn't felt anything in sex for years and suddenly there's fireworks under my fingertips when I'm with her. And you don't even know how good you have it... I really love her, I'm ready to pour my heart out to her, something that takes a lot out of me, mind you and she's still hung up on you."
"What do you want me to do about it?" Peeta asks roughly. Haymitch sighs, like the solution is the most obvious thing in the world.
"Nothing you can do. You both still love each other, I'm not going to force you to destroy that. Think of it as the mentors final stand to take one for the team," Haymitch shrugs. My heart shatters for the fifth time since Haymitch confessed his love for me. "Again," he adds bitterly.
"That last time was different. We had no control over that one, but we have control over this one. I could... I could lie, tell her I don't want her or know her. I could make it easier for you," Peeta offers. Haymitch puts his smoke out in the moist sand and flicks it.
"That would be the final straw, it'd break you beyond repair. No, Peeta, I'll live out my days as an emotionally lonely old man. Now, if you'll excuse me. Effie and I set up a date to go to the cinema, and I'm not sitting through a lecture of tardiness." Haymitch pushes off the sand, dusting his bottoms off. He gives Peeta a curt nod before trudging through the sand back to the direction of the city without looking back.
I wait until his figure is completely gone before steeling myself. Gathering my courage, I run out onto the beach where Peeta remains seated, his hands fisting the sand. I plop next to him, but he doesn't move.
"I'm sorry, Briar-"
"Peeta," I say, placing my hand over his. He looks up and startles when he sees me. At first his eyes fill with confusion and fear, and he rubs at his them. When he realizes I'm not a hallucination, he snorts.
"Your timing is impeccable, you know that?" He sighs, putting out his own cigarette. He pats the spot next to him and I sit, folding my legs underneath me. It feels weird to be with Peeta in an unaffectionate way, and sitting next to him causes too many strained memories of sweet kisses and gentle touches.
"So I've been told," I murmur, shaking my head to clear my mind. "I heard what he said, about taking one for the team. You can't possibly be willing to let him suffer."
"Hello, Peeta. How are you? Do you want to talk about what happened? How's your wife? I'm sorry about how I acted. Never one to beat around the bush," Peeta sighs, shaking his head. "It's not my decision to 'make him suffer', Katniss. Whether we like it or not, we have to move on. The only one still holding onto me and forcing him to endure a loveless relationship is you. He told me everything - about how when you found out that we could have never worked, you completely shut down. You're still holding onto something that can't exist. You're the one hurting him, not me. I'm not saying he didn't have his own hand in his destruction, I'm just saying you're adding fuel to the flames.*
"So what do I do?" I wonder out loud. Peeta shrugs, something akin to annoyance and frustration washing over his face. He's sick of dealing with this, sick of going through these motions of fighting me and loving me and fighting me again. My Peeta is sick.
"Simple. Stop grasping at the threads of our past."
"It's not that easy to just fall out of love with somebody," I point out. Annie's words come back from the previous night, and my words bounce around in my head. Was I in love with Peeta or did I love him? What really was the difference?
"I'm not saying fall out of love with me. I'm saying try to fall in love with Haymitch. Look, Katniss, I still do love you, don't get me wrong. I'm wild for you. But I made that decision in the kitchen the night of your interview that we couldn't go on hurting those around us for our selfish desires. Not to mention that even if I wanted to, Snow took a part of my mind that I could never get back and I wouldn't be able to be the steady husband you need. What you need is a constant, something that's always there for you. Haymitch, if my hazy memory serves me right, has always been there for us. I'm not saying you have to fall in love with him immediately, I'm not saying that suddenly you have to stop loving me, I'm just saying that we both really owe him something and you have gotten quite good at faking things until they're real."
I don't humor that with an response - mostly because I know he's right - so I look for another choice of conversation. My eyes fall on his cigarette butt, and I pucker my lips at the offensive smell of his newfound habit.
"I didn't know you smoked," I say slowly. Peeta looks at me like I've lost my mind before he shrugs, his eyes glancing to my point of interest. His lips curl down, and his brow creases.
"Socially. My wife smokes, though. She's a lot like you with a mix of Finnick, you know."
"Oh?"
"Oh yeah," Peeta says, leaning back on his hands, looking out into the never ending sea.
"Yeah. I'll take the two main attributes I associate her with. She's as stubborn as a mule and the biggest flirt in our District. A part of me wishes I would have gotten to Effie in time."
"Why do you say that?" In my opinion, Effie is loud, overdressed, obnoxious and annoying. I never saw what Haymitch saw in her. I could imagine being married to her is hell. Not to mention the idea of Effie taking away the one thing I hold close to me boils my blood.
"Well, there are so many benefits. Once you and Haymitch had your kids, Effie and I could divorce, you and Haymitch could have divorced, and we would have had who we wanted and never had to deal with falling in and out if love. You and I could have raised the kids you had with Haymitch and they could raise the kids I adopted with Effie. Everything would have turned out fine."
"Or we could have been polyamorous," I shrug, catching onto his train of thought. Peeta nods.
"Yeah, or that." An uncomfortable silence blankets us and I turn to Peeta. Watching him look so peacefully just does things to me. Nothing sexual, it just makes my heart warm and swell.
"You think we could have had our happy ending?" He meets my eyes, and when I look into his not a bit of them are insincere.
"Honestly? No. I think my fucked up head would have ruined everything, constantly. I think I would have traumatized our children and went off the hinges. I think that at some point, you would have committed me and found your happiness in someone else's arms anyway. This law saved us from all that grief, I think."
I roll my eyes and punch him playfully. "Leave the pessimism to me. Seriously, Peeta. I think we would have had our happy ending eventually."
"Sure, Katniss. Eventually." Another lapse of silence. It had never been this hard to talk to Peeta before. Maybe it's because most of our conversations consisted of our relationship and how we could benefit to each other and grow from our mistakes. Most of our conversations were about healing as a couple. We don't have that common ground anymore.
"What do you suppose I do about him?" I ask, examining a small seashell. The night in the arena when Peeta gave me that pearl flashes in front of me and I vaguely wonder what happened to it. I think it's at his house, in our old room.
"Well, he said he was going to the movies in the city. You could go to him," he suggests. "Tell him whatever you want, but don't break the man Katniss. I've never particularly liked Haymitch much, to be completely honest, but even I know the last thing he deserves is another heartbreak."
I nod and stand, lingering a moment before I bend down to kiss his cheek. "I'll visit sometime, I promise. Maybe you can introduce me to your wife properly."
"That sounds like it would be... interesting," he nods. "I'd like that." We both hesitate again, and I know we want to kiss. But we don't. I pat his shoulder and make the trek towards the Village, hoping to borrow Johanna's car and go into the city.
Johanna seems a little too excited to drop me off at the cinema, and I barely say thank you before rushing towards the doors. Luckily, Effie's bright pink hair isn't hard to spot.
They're sitting on a love seat, Effie with her heels folded under her and Haymitch with his feet propped on the table. By the look on his face, he doesn't like whatever she is saying. I know this would be twice that I'm eavesdropping today, but I have to hear what they're talking about. Unfortunately the only way to hide is to sit directly behind their seat.
It's not getting there that's the problem, they're too immersed in their conversation to notice me. Three problem is not being noticed or pointed out by anyone. I suppose I'll have up pray that people don't notice their ' Mockingjay' hiding behind a couch and listening in on her forced husband's conversation with his ex-girlfriend.
I exit and enter through the entrance on the other side of the theater, which puts me out of their direct view. From there, it just takes a little tiptoeing to find a seat behind them.
"Yeah, yeah. I get it. Haymitch is the bad guy. Look I came here to catch up with an old friend and not talk about my love interest. You're destroying that initiative, princess."
"To Katniss, she's the bad guy. Look, everyone is doing all they can to guilt trip Katniss into returning your affections, but maybe she isn't the problem. Maybe, it's the stubborn old man that refuses to take advice."
"I give advice. I don't take it."
"That's the mindset that has you here and not cuddling up to the one person you need," Effie sing-songs. I can actually hear Haymitch glaring at her, mostly because he does this strange growling noise when he glares at anyone.
"So what should I do, miss smartass?"
"Easy. Sit Katniss down, tell her how you really feel, get it all out in the open, and wait for her to come to you."
"Oh that's rich. 'Hey, Katniss, I know your boyfriend kind of just married another woman and you're being forced into this with a filthy drunk, but I just wanted you to know that I'm madly in love with you and I would walk to the ends of Panem if you asked me to. Oh, PS, I'm going to let you scamper off before you tell me that you really don't like me and wish me dead because I basically ruined your romance. Okay, love you, see you around, bye.'" Haymitch scoffs, and I bite my lip to hold back a laugh. When he puts it that way, it is a bit funny.
"You are such an ass," Effie laughs. "Like this. 'Katniss, I want to marry you and take you off to live in the woods, where you'll never spend a single day in your life where you're not pregnant. We'll have tones of little babies and they'll be the most precious things, and their Aunt Effie will pamper them-"
"Hey, slow down there, Aunt Effie," Haymitch says. I shift a little, pressing into the back of the couch to remain inconspicuous. This is really how they played around? I always thought it'd be more serious. Childish, I know but I didn't think Effie and Haymitch could have a conversation that didn't start or end in a fight. "Gotta get the girl before I can go around popping out little bastards with her."
"You'll get the girl quicker if you just tell her how you feel, you simple minded imbecile."
"Yeah, and when did you become so smart, huh princess?"
"When you became stupid. Haymitch. You're going about this all wrong! What you want is for you to confess her love and for her to say 'oh Haymitch, I thought you'd never come clean, let's go skin a deer and make out'. And it's just not going to work that way. Women want to be-"
"It's four thirty. Let's go into the movie before your babbling makes me miss it," Haymitch interrupts. Before Effie can reply, he stands and begins to saunter over to the ticket master. Effie rolls her eyes before following him.
"You're running away from your fears!" She calls, her heels fading as she chases after him. I wait for them to disappear into the movie before I laugh and shake my head. I probably look insane, but I don't care. I must be pretty damned special if Haymitch is going to brave talking to the woman he used to love to get advice on how to win my heart.
I know what I have to do, but it doesn't look like such a bleak act anymore.