The future never lies 'gaku 7 march, 11

Disclaimer: G-boys are not saru's…too bad

Warning: vague AU, imps, OOC…some dark things coming ahead

10. List # 10: wherever you are …

...critical time...

...reach critical time...

My other-mind keeps reminding me to wake up, 'we' are outside the dome, because I can feel the damp soil under my sprawling body; by now the greens should be running amok the ground and I'll be devoured in approximately 3.038 seconds...that is, if I'm lucky enough that a Calderia finds me and I'd be granted a quick death in its warm bath of sleeping-fluid; it's relatively painless the records said, I won't even realize that I'm dead; just a deep sleep within that colorful comfortable-looking gland, a very long pleasant dream, and no more body...Some records show that Calderia is the most preferable for those who want to commit suicide; I wonder where those humans awareness now, are they still 'there', fused themselves with the plants, or just living in the endless dreams they had under the influence of the plant's fume...? No record states that... I thought Father should be curious enough to put a research on it, though... Oh well, old age wins, I guess.

Hmm, what about the worst green?

Let's see, there's a very long list in 'the Worst" category... but my favorite is 'Little Sylvan', some called it 'Silueta'... it almost sounded like a person's name, isn't it? Or may be a twin pair of a boy and a girl?

Hahaa... so, here's what 'they" do; first they shoot the 'food' with some improving-hormones using their syringe-tentacle; to slow them or put them out? No! On the contrary, to make them VERY healthy and fit and have super-human strength alike to fend themselves LATER -when the hormones already alter the human body so much; including the mind-.

So what is a super-human body good for to the 'twin"?

A walking bento box? A cocoon of seeds?

Here's the best part: after the plant shoot the 'food' with hormones, it will shoot only a tiny inert seed at the base of the skull; when the improving-hormones senses the seed waking up from its inertia, the hormones formulate the human's body to alter some of the hormones to become growth hormone; that's when the human's mind would already feel that he needs the symbiosis between himself and the seed so much that he'd use his superhuman strength to defend himself (and the seed he carries)... Some testimony said that the human felt most alive in that stage. Later on, the body would turn to bluish green complexion to absorb as much UV as it could to grow the seed to hatch; when the seed hatches, there'd be multiple spikes sprouts from the skin. And these spikes are so hard that a spiky limb could be used as a bludgeon to inflate a heavy-armored tank (imagine that...!); now someone might ask me what good are those spikes for the seed, like for real? They're actually cocoons of the hatchlings inside!

Hahaha... And the 'twin' score 3, human scores 0!

Anyway, the cocoons only needed enough time to break and hatch tiny 'twins' out; and when they do, the altered-human body would sprout clusters of branched leaves and tentacles. The tentacles would root the body to the ground and the body would go into stasis (at that stage, the humans believed that the body had already lost its humane awareness and turned completely into plant moving with just instinct), and eventually when the branches of the tiny 'twins' are strong enough to live by themselves, they'd shoot out in an explosive departure, leaving their rooted 'home' and begin their own saga. The rooted body would stand on its spot with an 'umbrella' of crusty unused dried-membranes and woody leave-alike spikes and broken cocoons. Hence, it's 'silhouette of a tree or a small-forest-looking thing'. The rooted body would be covered in very hard woody-roots that it couldn't be cut down; men called those remnants as 'grieving pillars'... they spread all over the area, and later on used as the landmarks to the 'twin'-occupied area; kind of like warning signs. Someone cared enough to the person before he turned into a pillar sometime carved a gravestone of the man's name and put it under the remnant. In a way, it was a more memorable death than being devoured without any remnants left. At least I don't think that they were grieving; they'd served their purpose to complete a life's cycle, that they as men could eventually had off springs too... eventhough it's not human-off springs.

Now, I don't know why I am out here, nor do I care why...

"...Nii-san..."

...and about why En is calling out to me through the supposedly unbreakable system...

"Nii-san... Come on, wake up; let's see the forest waking up...!"

Forest? What forest?

He's OUT of his dome...? My other-mind's screaming in my mind, and I jerk my eyes open; and it feels like hell, I'm telling you...! Granted, I'll scold him so that he'd be sorry he ever woke me up-...

The cold dampness under my naked feet stops me on my track; I look down and see green grass waving gently in the breeze. It tickles... the grass... Then I realize the blue sky up there. Did I ever mention that the sky in our time was white, cloudless white and shimmering in waves?

"Nii-san! Come on, it's almost time!" En called out to me again, but I couldn't see him anywhere.

I look around and notice the trees by the edge of the cliff, I see 'him' standing under the shade. So, I jogged to his side; my other-mind is screaming that something's wrong, but I thought that I've never heard of a green that manage to grow a real-humanoid spore to lure foods to them. I ignore that my ears' picking up the birds chirping, there are no bird in our time... But this is too good to be REAL! My other-mind keep insisting for me to flee, I can ignore it for now; the silhouette of 'him' is pulling me closer.

A spur of feeling is welling up inside my chest; at last... at last I can meet 'him'...! My heart beats like crazy, and my chest hurts... my eyes sting and teary... I don't know why I miss 'him' so much that I can ignore my very existence just to be able to meet him. It's not En I'm missing... I know that...

My eyes catch a glimpse of a spherical blue object under the cliff, it's supposed to be a lake but the lake is made of darkness and shining small objects scatter gracefully in it; outside the lake's shore I see forest of buildings, ...unoccupied buildings that some of them had crumbled. I know I'm supposing to chase after his silhouette, but that lake and that spherical blue object entice me.

"It's the Earth...!" 'he' says nonchalantly.

I turn my head to 'him' and know it's not En standing in front of me naked and wet. "...you cut your hair!" My tongue rolls by itself.

'He' stares at me from the end of his eyes, without emotion, without recognition. "You're not looking for me...!" 'His' voice was silky and apathetic.

Of course not; you're not En! My mind wants to scream, but my other-mind keeps my tongue still. I just stare at his graceful figure, listing that 'he' looks a couple of years older than En; short messy brown hair was played by the wind eventhough it's wet. I smell the liquid covering 'his' whole body and realize that it smells like what birth fluids supposed to smell -eventhough I don't know why I could've known that as a fact-

A pair of warm liquid-tracks trail down my cheeks...

I'm crying...

En's large blue eyes widened before my eyes, I felt a couple of warm drips fell on my face before he pulled himself backwards and toppled over the bed edge with a silent yelp. The warm liquid traveled along the length of my tightened lips and I could taste it as I parted them slightly.

Salty.

Confirmed.

Tear.

"...why're you crying above my face?" I asked.

"Be...because..." En grabbed the thick bed-cover to pull himself up, and knelt by the bed with both hands on the mattress, as if trying to reach out to me. I was hoping he'd say something like 'I thought you'll never wake up' or such, but...

"Nii-san... was crying too..." he averted his eyes with enough flush on his white skin. Didn't he know that he'd attract enough 'beasts', making expression like that?

"I did not...!" I said firm enough.

"Yo... you did too...! In your dream!" his eyes showed genuine worry, and I guessed we WERE connected in some ways... didn't Father make sure of that? My other-mind sneered disgustingly, and I couldn't help but turned my face from his open face. He was too much for something like me.

"Don't exert yourself over something unimportant...!" I said flatly.

"...Nii-san is important..." I heard him mumbled under his breath, but I knew he feared me of tossing him aside, so he'd do whatever I said. He's too much of innocence for me... sometimes I just wanted to tear him down to pieces; Mercury knew well what kind of 'person' I was, I guessed. That's why he liked toying with me too.

Recalling about Mercury made me aware that I was in Toucchama and Papa's bed; I stared at the sloped ceiling thinking about that.

"...why am I..."

The bedroom door opened and Uncle Wu Fei came in wearing a zebra-striped apron, "Oh, good, he's awake...!" he said to a brightened En who nodded his head lively. "Are you up for a meal together, or do you want to have it in bed?"

I stared wider at the ceiling; something was off, my other-mind whispered to me relentlessly. Cocking my head to see pass the headboard I realized that there was no more holes from when En relapsed with his nightmare. Suddenly I felt like I was in a different room... or world.

"Does your head still hurt? Anything throbbing...?" Uncle Wu Fei looked worried and walked to the bed side; I dodged his offered hand by turning and propped my upper body with an elbow. But I didn't think that my body could be this... stiff? My memory had gaps and I moaned when a sting flared in my brain as I tried to recollect what had happened.

En was instantly at the other side of the bed looking worried sick; he seemed afraid to climb on the bed and jarred my pains.

Wait... pains?

Now that my other hand was on my temple, I noticed the thick bandage around my head.

Uncle Wu Fei sighed as he noticed my baffled expression; "You don't remember what happened?"

"Nii-san... you caught a falling toddler and landed headfirst, saving that baby in your arms... but still throwing yourself from the hotel window of an 8th level was NOT something I recommend you to ever do...again!" En said firmly, he looked angry somewhat.

Hotel window...?

Toddler of what...?

My other-mind cackled behind my head, I touched the back of my head reflexively. Nothing's broken.

And I might had worded it out, since En snorted and said "Your mind's broken...!"

It was probably intended as sarcastic pun, but my other-mind couldn't agree more to that. I stared at En's face; he seemed to be a little remorseful at his words and averted his eyes.

...my mind's already broken since long before YOU existed! I thought to myself and tried to sit up. My vision swayed for some time, I ignored En and Uncle Wu Fei's voices saying something; my other-mind leering that I woke up in another dimension when I saw the still unscathed wall of the bedroom lining the living room. There were other voices coming near and surrounding me, and I stared at several more faces with different levels of worry when I turned my face to my right.

I counted their faces while still ignoring their voices; Toucchama was checking my eyes and touching my head gently, Quatre-sama looked sweetly worried it disgusted my other-mind to some point, Uncle Trowa was behind him like a bodyguard (-of his heart, I realized), ...then, there was Papa looking as if he was a naughty 6-years old boy who just got a big scold-of-his-life near the bedroom door.

What was that...?

"That, what?" I realized I've said it out again when Toucchama asked softly; I turned my eyes at him and just realized that his face was so close with mine I could see my reflection in his deep blue eyes.

"You remember what happened?" Toucchama's voice lost his wary edge, and my other-mind's beginning to rant about the wrongness of it all.

"...I don't care..." I said softly; didn't know whether it was said to answer Toucchama or just to myself.

"Fortunately your physical endurance is way above common humans; Sally said you didn't have deadly concussion or any other extreme injury; the bandage was just for precaution for the bruised bump behind your head; but you're out perhaps because your body sensed the physical shock and decided to reset itself...!" Toucchama said it like he was talking over his laptop; I didn't mind it, but Quatre-sama looked annoyed as he glared at Toucchama's back; Toucchama just ignored him, though.

I didn't think it was worth a smile over, but my lips pulled to the sides by themselves.

"...so, you're up to live again?" Quatre-sama beamed and cued to my other side with his head. I turned my head and saw En was holding the end of my shirt with both hands, stubbornly not climbing to the bed and just spread his upper body as long as he could with lower body dangling on the edge; and I thought that he looked like a drowning dugong that way.

"Baka Nii-san! Don't make me go through that again...!" he barked with wet eyes; and I thought I should be worrying about his emotional development... he wasn't subjected to too many emotions back in the dome; at least there was almost nothing to be crying over back then, nor to be happy over.

"...I don't remember...!" I said slowly; my other-mind was screaming 'get-out' 'get-out' 'get-out' endlessly it's beginning to annoy me.

Toucchama snorted, and said "At least Duo remembers...!" generically.

"...You wouldn't let it pass, would you?" Papa groused near the door, looking annoyed but lost his poison. "...as if you're NOT seeking dangerous path in your line of work yourself!"

Toucchama glared at Papa, and Papa glared back dignifiedly; Quatre-sama stared between them with a 'boys, please...?'-stare. They broke the glaring war, turning their faces to the opposite directions but both had that worried-but-angry-enough-not-to-show-it kind of faces.

So, I got caught in their spousal bickering...? When did that happen?

I tried to line the connection; Papa might have had a job that Toucchama wasn't approve of, (perhaps) I tailed Papa when he's working, and Papa messed up to some extent (probably about that toddler falling from a hotel window of the 8th floor En mentioned), and I seemed to have been the only casualty in the end.

I meant to say something generic to lighten the atmosphere, but my stomach got the better out of me.

Quatre-sama chuckled at the loud rumbling noise, "Can you get up to eat?"

I stared him back with a sarcastic 'what kind of question is that?' and didn't feel it that I was drooling until Toucchama wiped it from my chin with his thumb.

En helped me down, so everyone else just backed away from us automatically. "How long was it...?" I frowned when my feet felt like they're made of plastic.

"A week." En answered.

I tightened my lips; a week blacked out when we need to start finding the culprit and stop the world's end from happening? Nice going, Me! Plus ending up in another dimension of lies-...

A sweet relaxed smile greeted me when we entered the living room; he was sitting on the counter next to the TV with an already modified eye-covering half hidden under the brim of his white cowboy hat.

Mercury!

The said creature put his right forefinger on his lips; 'l-e-t-'s p-l-a-y h-o-u-s-e' he worded slowly, making sure I could catch his lips movements.

"Nii-san...?" En asked in bafflement as I suddenly froze staring at the turned off TV.

I should have known Mercury would play with others' minds, or memories; he could be 'unseen' as many times as he wanted it, and I couldn't break his wall to show him to everyone else. So it seemed like he'd approved with Toucchama's circle; I guessed I should be grateful that he thought he could cut this 'trying to fit in'-game with Papa and made this 'shortcut'. Although, I didn't like it that he'd used guilt on Papa to start with.

At least he didn't sort to violence, I tried to console myself when I remembered that Mercury had wanted Toucchama...-no, a 01 for himself; my other-mind had fled somewhere I really didn't care, and I sighed deeply.

"Nii-san...? Anything's hurting?" En sounded almost pleading; I really HATED the way Mercury's smile became wider at his voice.

"...you'd feel it if I do..." I brushed him and continued dragging my feet.

En pushed me onto the long sofa in his worry, saying something like he'd feed me and the long sofa was more comfortable for me than the dining chair. The others followed us and somehow we ended up having meal (it's actually lunch) while watching the TV... Though, I was ending up staring at Mercury instead. I couldn't shake the feeling like being in the exhibition box in some zoo with his (covered) staring, but I couldn't do anything if the others couldn't see him, right? And every time I couldn't contain that exposed feeling, I sighed, and asked for some water; thanks to that I got too full with water instead of food...my other-mind would laugh, rolling around in my mind cackling endlessly, when it's back later. But NOT now... somehow I felt like I was left behind.

I sighed again.

Apparently in the week I was out of consciousness, Toucchama and the others had made the search and collecting information that might be connected to the events we elaborated in Lady Une's office; but still nothing led to the 'Ned Eesrever'-person. I'd expected it so far.

By the way, the energy failure En made was only lasted for another half an hour after we left the office, they said; that's exactly five minutes after they woke up from their black out. So Mercury had calculated that much... I hated to say it, but that Mercury might also had calculated more in his head right now; we might just be like some mice in a maze moving by his design.

"How's your head?"

Speaking of the devil (and I meant it every word), Mercury entered the bedroom door which left open. I only frowned at the ceiling eventhough I knew he wouldn't let me ignore him.

"...You followed us out of the Preventer's building." I said as a fact. "When did you bend their memories and made all these arrangements?"

He knew I was talking about the apartment.

"...in the office..." he smiled down at me while standing at the side of the bed. "We don't need them to be too cautious about our abilities that they'd think of us as bio-hazards, don't you think, Sariel?"

I glanced at him; so he already planned this before he met us in this era (and I thought it's odd enough that I and En landed together, while he was nowhere near), I should've been more cautious than this. I ignored the name he called me with; but a little mind in my head started to wonder whether he actually intended to tease me when I already said more than enough time that I hated it when he called me that, or did he actually liked the (code) name.

"...that's why you had them unconscious; so that your 'implant' could rewrite their memories while they blacked out." I summed. "When did you 'brush' me?" I asked, genuinely wanting to know.

"When you phased-in with 01..." he smiled wider, a little victorious tone crept in his voice.

It just confirmed my suspicion; we are almost the same after all. But it also meant that he far surpassed me in superiority; I forced my anxiety down.

"Why did you hit my head...?" I frowned at him.

"You want me to really throw you out of an 8 stories window while you're unconscious?" he asked conversationally.

I glared at him for a short while. I didn't even want to know what he'd hit me with, after that.

"At least I made everyone on their right tracks...!" he arched one shoulder with his usual smile still plastered on his face.

...so, he'd been here the whole week without anyone's realizing. My heart cringed at the idea; who knew what else he'd implanted in whose mind...? My biggest fear crept out no matter how hard I tried to suppress it; I just had enough fear that he could see and use it as he liked.

"You've done enough, then. Get out...!" I got up from the other side of the bed, and was caught off guard when I turned my feet on the carpet and found him already kneeled so close in front of me. I held myself from gasping in surprise, but I couldn't react fast enough when he grabbed me with both hands and held me flat to his front; his long arms encircled by hips along with my arms, and I didn't try to struggle knowing it's futile. At least I wanted to keep my dignity in front of him.

His face was close enough that our noses touched, he intentionally used the brim of his hat to make a secluded sense by keeping it on my head. I could see my face reflected on his black eye-covering, it was made of a pitch black glassy-substance; perhaps it was a type of carbon he made himself.

I tried to keep my breath slow and steady, knowing he could feel it on his skin.

...I didn't feel his breath in exchange.

"Where is he?" for once his face lacked his smile and looked almost serene.

"He, who?"

"You've met him. Tell me where he's waiting."

I still couldn't feel the puff of air breathing-creatures used to let out when they talked. Didn't he breathe, too?

"I don't know." I answered honestly.

There was a moment of silence, and I thought I should be ready if he decided he could just snap with me in his arms.

"...I could search your dream just to find the link back to him, and that means I'll keep you unconscious until I find it..." he said softly without sounding like threatening.

"Somewhere where you could see the earth in a lake of stars." I said flatly.

"...lake of stars?"

"He said so 'it's the earth'..." I closed.

Mercury paused for a moment.

"Anything else?"

I tried so hard not to think of anything else!

"...he said I wasn't looking for him." I said.

It worked, Mercury jerked himself from me.

"Of course it's not you...!" he sounded almost jealous.

So, it's you looking for him? I thought that, but didn't voice it. He looked annoyed to some extent, and I wonder whether I crossed his line; but then he stood and left without another word.

After I was positive that he's nowhere in the apartment building, my knees buckled and I plopped down on the bed. I didn't realize that my body feared Mercury that much.

"What was that all about?"

I jumped in surprise and found Toucchama's concerned face frowning at me when I turned around.

"What, what...?" I asked back and hoped that my smile wasn't awkward.

"Don't try to sound like Duo..." Toucchama frowned deeper. So my smile was awkward enough to raise his suspicion, apparently.

"Gomen..." I nodded to him slowly.

"Who is 'he'?" Toucchama asked again.

"He?" I snapped my head up wondering whether Toucchama was actually asking about Mercury, was that mean that Toucchama had been realizing Mercury was around all this time, or did Toucchama just mean about the little interrogation he had on me.

Wait.

If Toucchama heard our little conversation, didn't that mean that Toucchama could sense (see?) Mercury all this time?

"...the one your-devil pressed out of you just now."

My-devil, my other-mind chuckled derisively at the words; and at me for even thinking of Mercury exactly as that. You know, he's almost looking like your angelic-persona, Toucchama; I thought to myself.

"...you could see him." I stated.

Toucchama climbed to the bed and sat cross-legged behind me. "Since everyone seemed they couldn't, I acted that way too... it's just like a blurry bent air without actual shape, but my senses could feel him there." he added.

I just stared at his boyish face (now that I had Mercury's face as comparison), and didn't know what to say.

"...so, who is 'he' he wanted to find desperately?"

"His 01..." my other-mind took over, and I knew why...

"It's not me?" there's a dark-layer shadowing his deep blue eyes, but he covered it with a deep frown. He looked disturbed; perhaps because he might've acted like he wanted Toucchama as the substitute for his pilot.

"...his ideal pilot." I offered. "If he couldn't find that one, then Mercury would take any 01 as substitute for the moment..." my other-mind cued enough that it was Toucchama Mercury had wanted.

Toucchama stared at my eyes for a moment; I wondered what he saw in me, but I didn't care anyway what rotten parts of me he could see.

"...or En..." he ended.

"Or En..." I agreed. It's better you than my-En, my other-mind hissed acidly with its possessive tone; I wondered if Toucchama could see it as well since he nodded (to himself) and left me alone in the bedroom.

I heard the front door opened and then closed, and the apartment was empty except for me. And I realized I still hadn't asked Toucchama about what he knew of the situation, or what he didn't know anymore for that matter. If I suddenly said something like Mercury might have the grip to their minds already, would that be alright...?

I really didn't like Mercury being here; he kept messing the equation as he pleased...

A couple of hours passed slowly after Toucchama left me. I thought since I wasn't really recuperating from my 'fall' (I suspected Mercury tampered with my body when he found me unconscious to fit his plan) then I should be strong enough to make something I could nimble on, and watch the TV alone.

Exactly after I put the empty bowl on the table, Papa stormed in with a delirious mask on his face, banging the already creaking door to the wall.

"WHERE IS HE?" he barked.

I stared, not knowing what exactly happening.

Papa stormed to the bedroom, and the rest of the apartment; I knew he was looking for Toucchama. But that delirium in his eyes...was it mercury's implant hatched after being triggered by something specifically intended to be the key...? I frowned.

Not finding Toucchama in the apartment, Papa stood in front of me, looking down with enough hatred he's ready to lash out (again).

"Tell me where he went!" Papa ordered flatly.

"I don't know..." I answered honestly. I stared into his crazed eyes and got a wisp of Mercury's trace he evidently left there so I'd find out.

Papa didn't say anything else, only staring down at me with darkened eyes; a storm in his dilated pupils. My other-mind pointed that Papa always had enough weapons with him; he's going to kill Toucchama eventually. But then, Toucchama also never leave his Glock behind; so they'd kill each other sooner or later. My other-mind started a frantic cackle and I ignored it, I had to concentrate on Papa right now; if I could stop him... Could I with my current condition? My stomach churned when I realized that it was part of Mercury's design.

Papa turned around in a snap, and I jerked knowing what he thought he'd do to Toucchama.

"Wait, Father...!" without thinking I called out and tried to hold on to his long jacket; then I realized what I'd called out. Papa too, had realized the distance in that word, I figured; even though I really didn't think about Father like he was the source of others' misfortune, but some part of me thought that I wouldn't want to relate myself with Father if I could...because Father was never my father.

Papa stopped short and took a pause before reacting, I knew I'd made a grave mistake when he turned his face and smiled sweetly at me, but his eyes held enough murderous intention. He bent down and cupped my face.

"Don't make me kill you too, Son...!" he hissed sweetly, with every intention to deny my existence with his sarcasm; and I felt that he already killed a little part of me with those words.

I let go his jacket and stared him sadly.

Papa snorted contemptuously, "Aren't we all sorry to have been created into this world?" He made the comment as he saw the expression I was making; then he left the apartment leaving the door ajar. I knew this Papa didn't want me to be created in the first place; I kept wondering for what purpose did Father created me back there... to fulfill his delusion that another-him would never leave another-Heero? If En was never created, then wouldn't that mean that I was never wanted since the beginning...? If I prevented Papa from losing his-Heero now, wouldn't that mean that I was negating the very reason of my creation?

I wondered if this was considered a suicide act on my part... since I knew, no matter what happened to Toucchama here, Papa might still create En in the future...but perhaps not me.

I thought I heard a white-noise covering my other-mind; my equation was never balanced.

...I was never balanced.

"...I'm sorry..." I whispered to the door after how long moment I didn't remember had passed; and stood there for another long time not knowing what to do.

Where is everyone at a time like this? I never felt being this alone even when I was physically alone in the dome for all my live before.

Guilt inclined to backfire into self-justification.

Mercury knew that...

And I knew he must be watching his mice running frantically in the maze he designed from somewhere not far, and enjoying every bit of it.

this is a relatively short chapter, hu...? saru typed this while having meal-breaks... so the content kind of felt like a break too (bored...bored...overwhelmed...) -sigh ...more works! right...

THANKS for reading

A.N: saru needs tako-hands...and more eyes... why not clone myself? T.T

the gallery's deadline is already passed about 10 days ago; still not ready with the artworks...

saru missed the Museum's launch because things just piled up and undone...

right hand and tailbones are hurting because saru's making the artwork on the carpet (it's the size of A0, mind you... making it with a drawing pen number 01!)

hungry... it's been raining for these last days... currently needing some praise to lift heart up...

having fights with saru's other minds; started a subject and they ranted nonstop about the schedules and things saru could and could not do and SHOULD do and things that are just not relevant with tasks at hands... (writing fanfic is just a way to stop fighting with self)

said something miss-understandable (is that a word?) in the comic-illustrators gathering 3 days ago...currently half cursing self for it and half laughing #ss-off over the faces saru got in return

stressed but happy, bored but overwhelmed

and a fellow comic illustrator who was a bouncy extrovert asked saru what it's like to be a bipolar; and saru said 'perhaps all of the opposites of yourself'... and she looked at saru with almost a jawdrop when saru tried to explain self... 'am I that weird to you?' saru asked; she just said "...oh, okay..." with expression between amazed and incomprehension;

she might not think of how many minds saru could have over an idea, and how many ideas saru could think of over a subject, or how many contradictions saru could formulate in minds... it's tiring to focus minds or center myself, so it's easier to not think, or to not care; end discussion. and everyone's laughing happily ever after...they might think that saru's ability to make easy sarcasm over matters is part of saru's sense of humor, but it's not... it's a fight with different minds and saru was caught in the middle; but they wouldn't understand it if saru tried to explain. well, so be it... let's have a good laugh over matters... other minds are laughing too, so it's probably alright to call it sense of humor

if anything's good about saru, perhaps it's the contentment... when saru is depressed, saru is content to be depressed. procrastinating is never good for anything, though...

want some sweets...

oh, anyone likes chicken-claws?

we're currently half expecting and half wanting to flee the exhibition in April... they're going to hang our-heads on the wall (kinda feeling like we're facing the guillotine too...since we're the only illustrators with manga-style, while the other participants are mostly anti-manga-style illustrators... why did the gallery invited us, by the way? ...yep, they're absolutely going to grill us in the discussion-session in april-16...!) -downheartedtothemax-

saru thought of continuing the comic-book that we'd postponed while making the museum-project and the exhibition-artworks... and got a very long "..."(dot-dot-dot)-moment when finding that the pages and storyboards are missing somewhere (whaaaaa-...! they're supposed to be in the work-related paper-stacks...but not there...! -trying to panic with empty stomach-)