They had talked and laughed and shared memories long after finishing their meals. They had joked about things and tiptoed around others, but in the end the evening had fulfilled its promise. And they both felt like they could slowly start to trust each other despite their differences.
Cullen had insisted on walking her back to her cottage and Alexis had only said no once to be polite. She didn't wanted that moment to end, and she felt like Cullen didn't either because despite the cold of the night he had set their walk at a slow pace, delaying the moment where they would have to part.
"I don't know if you have noticed, but I believe your men's threw us quite a few glances at dinner."
"I have!" Cullen said, sighing and rubbing at the back of his neck.
"Is it a problem?"
"You have no idea how quickly gossips can spread through the barracks."
"Oh come on Cullen. I'm sure they were more surprised at seeing you laughing than making wild speculations about why you and I were having dinner together." She said, bumping lightly at his shoulder.
"You haven't been much around soldiers, have you? You have no idea how much they like to gossip, especially about relationships!"
"Don't worry, I will defend your honor. I won't let them say naughty things about you."
"Why doesn't it make me feel better?"
"Hey! That's not fair! I would defend you if I heard them say something inappropriate." She said laughing.
"Before or after making several remarks with hidden meanings?" He said with a large grin.
"Am I really that bad? Ah Blight! I really need to keep my mouth shut."
"I'm curious, where have you learn to swear like that? Not during your lessons on how to act like a proper lady I suppose?"
It was Cullen's turn to tease her and he was having a really good time doing so!
"You are so mean to me right now! And I can act like a proper lady… if I want to."
"I'd like to see that!" He said sarcastically.
"Don't wish that too hard, because I know Josephine is just waiting for the right opportunity to throw me into a dress and make me do small talks with the nobles she invites to Haven. And I swear that when it happens, I'll make you come along!" She said, threatening him playfully.
"You might want to reconsider that, I don't do particularly well when dealing with nobles and politicians."
"Don't worry, I can act lady-like for the both of us, you won't have to talk. It'll be fun enough to see you appalled because of the futility of the conversation."
"It looks like we both don't rejoice in long meetings about politics and nobility."
"Not really, no." She said with a laugh.
A comfortable silence fell between them as they slowly walked through the village exchanging a few stolen glances. At the beginning of the evening Alexis had found Cullen a bit tense, he had also looked tired as if some bad news had fallen down on him during the day. And Varric was right about him having a serious expression all the time so it was good to see him more relaxed, smiling even, and not for just a few seconds. It was giving him a discreet charm that wasn't there otherwise. He still had that charisma that belonged only to strong military leaders but it added a little thing. It was making it easier for Alexis to see him as Cullen and not the former Templar or the Commander.
"I suppose you'll be leaving soon for Redcliffe? I hope your meeting with Fiona goes well."
"Me too. So much people seem to have gone mad with this rebellion. I really hope that Fiona and the rebels will at least listen to some reason." She said, tugging behind her ear a strand of hair that had escaped her braid.
"You have mixed feelings about this, have you?"
"Yes, I suppose I do." She said frowning a little. "I said that I would consider all our options regarding this alliance with the Templars or the mages, and I will. But some part of me just wishes that the mages will help us. It would be a chance to prove to everyone that mages can do some good! That they fight for what is right and not just pursue their own interests, that they agree to put aside this stupid conflict with the Templars and acted for the safety of Thedas. Let all the people see that and maybe it would be the first step to create something better than the Circles, and better than war." She sighed, her gaze lost. "Maybe I'm just having false hopes about all this."
"You're right; there must be something better that recreates the Circles just as they were." Cullen said, and she looked up to him. There was warmth in his dark amber eyes and comfort in his voice. "Maybe you can make them see reason."
"Well it didn't work at Ostwick's Circle. But the situation wasn't as desperate as now." She said sighing.
"It must have been really bad if it made you leave on your own."
"Things went really ugly. Not all mages wanted to follow the vote of independence. And of course those who wanted independence didn't like being opposed. When the Circle rebelled, some of those who didn't want to follow were killed."
"Maker's breath. I'm so sorry. It must have been horrible to see that."
"I didn't see it. I was already gone. I heard about it a few days later."
Alexis wasn't planning on telling more about what happened, about her timely escape, but that memory was a burden she had carried alone for too long and the words were on her lips, desperate to finally get out.
"Lydia, she was a senior enchanter and my mentor, she made me flee the Circle during that last meeting. The debate was becoming more violent, we knew it wouldn't end well and she knew that I wouldn't just go along with the rebellion without speaking my mind and she feared that I had made a target of myself defending our opinion. So she told me to leave… she saved me."
The Templar lies on the floor at her feet, only unconscious. She takes the key Lydia gave her and opens the door. All the walls of the room are covered with shelves containing vials. Fortunately they are all well-ordered and it only takes Alexis a few minutes to find her own, her phylactery, the only thing making it possible for Templars to track her personally. She quickly places the vials in her bag and storm out of the room, barely tacking the time to lock the door behind her.
She encounters no other Templars. They must all be discussing what they should do now that the First Enchanters have voted for independence, and what to do if the Ostwick mages decides to abide by the vote. But they must have left a patrol to hold the main gate, so Alexis goes to the garden, where one of the walls nearly connects with the outer rampart. She uses her magic, she creates small blocks of ice along the wall that allows her to climb. She almost slips a few times but she finally managed to reach the summit. She walks as quickly as she can without falling, makes the small jump that separates the garden wall from the rampart. And she's there, on the edge. The Circle on one side, the outside world on the other. She stands there a moment, almost afraid of making the jump.
She looks at the tower where the mages are gathering and she thinks about the people she is leaving behind. She almost wants to go back. Maybe there's still something she can do? But then she remembers how Linnea threatened her, how Lara, her friend and who is like a sister to her, yelled at her for not agreeing fully with the independence. No it's too late, nobody wants to listen to reason anymore.
She looks down on the other side of the wall. She had never imagined she would be sad to leave the Circle. But she had never imagined such a mess could happen. She thinks of Lydia. She knows her mentor would never leave, not without her youngest students at risks. And despite her lack of faith, Alexis prays to whoever can hear her plea, asking for Lydia to be safe and for Lara too.
And then… she jumps.
The touch of Cullen's hand on her shoulders made her snap back to reality. A sigh escaped her lips before she can finish her story.
"Lydia, she died that day. And I would have been dead too if she hadn't pushed me to leave." Tears began to fill her eyes and she wiped them out with her fingers. "Sorry, I didn't mean to kill the mood like this. I guess it just needed to come out."
"It's alright." Cullen said, trying to sound comforting. "This war has spared no one. We all carry the loss of those who fell to this madness. And we can't always carry it all on our own. But don't let it dismiss all that you have and all that you can accomplish."
He gently pressed his hand on her shoulder before removing it. He wanted to do more to comfort her, he wanted to take her in his arms and let her cry her pain, wanted to relieve her of her turmoil, he wanted to tell how sorry he was that she had to go through that suffering. But all of it felt inappropriate.
"You're right, too many have suffered because of this war. And with the Inquisition we have a chance to act and change things. I just hope to be up for the task. I kinda never imagined myself being branded as the Herald of Andraste nor being asked to make decisions that would affect so many people."
"Yes, I understand that being called the Herald of Andraste made you a bit nervous!" He said, smiling to her, trying to alleviate her spirit.
"It's just so hard to believe! It has been so hard believing in anything for so many years. Finding myself at the center of an organization of the faithful, it's a bit mind wrecking." She said with a chuckle.
"I don't know what plans the Maker has for you, or for any of us. But whatever they may be, it's good that it didn't get to your head. For what it's worth, I'm glad that you are with us. And not only because of that mark on your hand."
"Thank you Cullen. I'm glad to be here too." And upon that admission they had reached her door. "Well, this is it, it was very nice of you to walk me back to my cabin."
"Just doing my duty." Cullen answered with a smile.
Turning to face him, Alexis leaned against the wooden panel of the door, not opening it just yet.
"I had a really nice time tonight and I hope you did too."
"I did! It was good to talk about something else than the Inquisition."
She had her hand on the door knob, feeling hesitant. Some part of her wanted to do something, even something foolish like kissing him on the cheek, but she refrained herself, biting at her lower lip.
"Goodnight Cullen, and thank you again for this evening."
"Goodnight Alexis."
She grinned at finally hearing him calling her by her first name. Maybe it was just a stupid little thing, but it meant something. She hadn't moved yet, hadn't opened her door and in that moment Cullen wanted nothing more than close the distance between them. But he remained still as her hand pulled the handle. And then she went inside, smiling to him one last time.
The door shut. Cullen sighed, eyes closed for a moment. This could never happen, there was too much at stake to be distracted by whatever feeling was stirring inside of him. He had to forget them, to push them aside no matter how hard it was whenever she was around.
Inside, Alexis leaned against the door, her head down. She couldn't let herself think about him. This could never be, nothing could ever happen between her and Cullen. He was a decent man with strong principles and not one to take relations lightly. She would only hurt him.