"What was he doing there?" Finnick's voice fills the air, pulling me out of the darkness. "Weren't you supposed to be watching him?"
"I'm sorry, but I've other duties too. Keeping an eye on both of them is harder than it looks – she's always out fighting and he's losing his marbles here. I'm tired," Haymitch moans, ranting on about things that don't quite click.
"Well shit, Hay, that's what you signed on for," I hear the shuffle of feet and the door slam shut as Finnick departs. I can no longer subdue the groan, letting it rumble in my chest and bring me back to reality.
"Peeta," Haymitch is at my side, looking down at me with steady eyes while his hand finds mine in the restraints.
Dammit. The ward.
"What happened?" His voice is like a nail being hammered into my skull, making my toes curl and my stomach twist. Memories flash in my brain, harsh and blaring as I try to think but can't. The rake of fear pulls over my back and my body tries to collapse in upon itself but is restrained by the bands at my arms.
It hurts, oh fuck it hurts.
I feel Haymitch place his hands on my shoulders, trying to roll me back onto my back but it's no use – my body rebels and pulls and something jerks loose in my shoulder. I cry out but it's the accompanying pain and fear that launches inside me that has the bile spewing from my throat and coating Haymitch's somewhat clean outfit.
He isn't repelled.
"Peeta breathe!" He yells and it cuts through the howling sound that rings in my ears. I can't help it; my mind's at war and there's no controlling it, especially not with the added fuzz that's joined in this morning. In the distance I hear a growl and then the door slam open. My mind flashes with mutts and limbs and blood and I try to get clear of the bed but my arm gives another sick sound and my body jerks before I see Lily and then I'm out.
I think I miss Delly.
I think, at least, that's what's dragging inside of me while I wait to be released from the ward. The past few days here have been monstrous, filled with recall tests and failed memories and my stupid dislocated shoulder.
There's no way I can forget the pain that that caused. Ugh.
"Are you ready to go now?" Finnick pokes his head inside the door and grins madly at me. He's been here every day, switching out with Haymitch, and trying to keep me company. While it's not ideal, it'll do. At least until I can talk to Delly and see why she hasn't come to visit me.
I'm going to withhold judgement on that one.
"Let's get out of here," I mumble and slip off the bed to join him in the hallway.
The pair of us keep good pace as we hobble along with our false legs. Though he doesn't talk about it much, I know the idea gets to him just as it had me, that you're not quite whole anymore. I suspect it's even a little harder for him after having been a Capitol icon for so long.
But I don't mention it.
"So, what're your plans for freedom kid?" He asks, leading me down through the now familiar hallways towards the cafeteria. At least I remember that the cafeteria is in the center of the honeycomb – that makes sense now.
"Well, probably not sleep well since Haymitch-the-tank-engine and I will still be sharing a unit. Maybe I'll go to class. See Delly. Nothing too outrageous," I reply, walking on ahead as something distracts him and he falls a pace behind. He quickly catches up, grabbing my arm in his hand and pulling me to a stop. I try to avoid the fierce way his eyes search me for something.
"What's going on with you two?" I'm tempted to just bolt – I've got running years on this leg – years that he doesn't have. But he knows the place better. I'd never get away far enough.
I don't know why I suddenly want to run, but the fear from childhood is back. The fear that he's come here to kill me is coiling inside. I have to shut my eyes tight to avoid the recall that's flooding me right now.
"Nothing," I gasp out, leaning against the wall and crouching a little. My mind flashes an image of a forest with vibrant hues, so intense that it hurts. "We're just hanging out," I continue, forcing the words past my lips. His tall frame standing over me casts a shadow on my bent form, looming above.
"Okay," His words are careful and balanced. The forest begins to dissipate from my vision and I collect myself, standing up straight and huffing out heavily. I wipe the beads of sweat from my brow as he squints his eyes at me. "You alright?"
I nod and start walking again, moving towards the cafeteria with a violent need. When we hit the doors, my eyes scan the busy space and search desperately for her blonde head. She isn't here. I crash a little.
"What kind of gruel do they have for us today..." Finnick groans, walking up to the service station less enthusiastically. I follow behind him, dragging my feet.
We take a set of seats in the back corner of the room, slapping our trays down before us and staring at the food as though it's grown another head. It looks less appealing than I remember, a significant amount of mush with a helping of... something.
"Did this get worse or am I just imagining it did?" I grumble as I stick a fork in the meat-like substance.
"I heard Greasy Sae took some time off from the kitchens. Something about her granddaughter being ill," Finnick replies, scooping it into his mouth and trying to withhold the scowl.
I don't know why, but the name resonates with me. It's familiar and I think I know that I should know it, but I can't quite place it. I can't dwell on it though as Annie and Prim soon join us, already in mid-discussion regarding new procedures in the medical ward.
"We extracted a bullet today from a femur. It was unbelievable!" Prim exclaims as the smile on her face reaches top level. I watch her carefully as she tells us of her day and all of the wounded soldiers who came back from the Capitol. I soak it all in, determined to get as much as I can, while also excluding myself from the conversation by tucking my head towards my meal.
To be completely honest, I'm still not comfortable around Prim knowing that she's related to Katniss. There's no way that she doesn't know what's happened to me and what happened between us – absolutely not. And the fact that she lied to me only deepens the fault line that grows ever larger between us. But I don't tell anyone this – they wouldn't understand. They'd tell me that I just need to trust them, that I need to understand that they can't do anything – that their hands are tied.
I finish my meal in silence and then stand from the table without a goodbye. They barely seem to notice as Prim rattles on about someone named 'Rory' and how he'd finally pulled through from his concussion that he obtained in District 2.
Leaving the cafeteria I can't stand not knowing any longer – I head straight to Delly's unit and rap my fist against her door, calling out her name when she doesn't answer after a moment. After the third person walks by and gives me a dirty look, I falter in my decision to come here. Maybe she's avoiding me. I'm just about to head to my unit when I hear my name ringing out in the hallway behind me.
"Peeta?"
Delly.
I swing around, the smile growing wide on my lips as I take in the sight of her. A wave of relief seems to wash over me and I walk towards her. "Where were you?" I ask, pulling her into a tight one-armed hug and holding her close.
"I got caught up in some things. When did you get out?" Pulling back, she runs her fingers across my forehead and smiles. It's not quite a full smile.
"Just a while ago. I wanted to see you."
"Let's go inside, okay?" She replies carefully and slides her fingers against the sensor. The door slides open to grant us access and once inside I pull her close again, breathing in the familiar scent of her.
"I missed you," I whisper into her hair as her fingers tap on my spine.
"Me too." When we pull back this time, I only get a few inches before our lips are meeting and I'm kissing her. It's weird, yes, because I've known Delly since we were kids, but it's also nice. It's friendly and warm and just what I need to settle down my heart rate and calm my mind.
"That's was nice," I breathe, resting my head against her shoulder. She laughs lightly, nodding, and strokes my neck, her breath cascading across the crest of my ear.
We stand there for a while, slightly stunned and quiet. Soaking in the feeling of comfort that we've both been missing since we first came to 13.
"I'm late for a meeting," She says after a while, stepping back and brushing her hands across her thighs. She doesn't quite meet my gaze as hers flits around the room and looks at everything but me. I try not to take offence but I won't deny it's unsettling.
"Do you want to meet for dinner?" I watch her carefully as she moves around her room, methodically packing a bag full of note papers and pens.
"I don't know if I'll be back in time for dinner – want to meet here after? About nine?"
"Sure," The uneasy feeling grows in my gut but I push it back down. I trust Delly. I know Delly. "I'll see you later," I say a quick goodbye and head out before she does, escaping down the empty hallways and heading towards the elevator system I know takes you up to ground level.
Reaching the gates, the guards let me pass without any issues and soon I'm riding up to the surface and bursting free into the open air. I linger in the sunlight, enjoying my free day before heading off into the edge of the trees and walking in the shade. The warm breeze from the late summer months reminds me of warm fall afternoons and I relish in the memories that I still do have. Ones filled with baking and school and my brothers.
After a while, I hear a guard from the fence calling me to return. It's nearly dusk, he informs me as we ride the elevator down.
Back in the cafeteria, I find myself sitting alone but surrounded by strangers. Nobody bothers me. Nobody speaks to me. But I can't ignore the looks and the strange way that everyone seems to be watching me with wary eyes.
I'm almost at the odd shaped looking 'dessert' portion of my meal when I feel a hand on my good shoulder, turning me around and forcing me to look up at a very angry Haymitch.
"Where have you been?" He snarls.
"You seem to be saying that a lot lately. You'd think that perhaps you'd start keeping track if it was always such an issue," I accuse in return trying to forcefully return to my dinner. His hand resists and pulls me back and I huff angrily. "What do you want?"
"You need to come with me, now," He grabs at my collar and I lift my good arm to slap him away.
"No. Not until you tell me why!" I yell and sense the people startle around me. Haymitch's gaze narrows and his fingers bite into my skin.
"Not here," And then he's pulling me from the table with such a force that I stumble over the chair and nearly crash into the floor. People are watching and suddenly I remember when my mother used to drag us out back behind the bakery and give us a whipping for misbehaving.
"Stop, please," I cry and I hate how desperate I sound as I struggle to calm myself down before I fall over the edge. Haymitch slows his pace only to look back at me and I try to hold it together as he looks me over.
It's then that I hear the clicking in the corner and the buzz of white noise start to fill the cafeteria and deaden the chatter around me. I watch his face pale as his grip lessens and I follow his eyes up towards the TV's glow.
President Snow fills the screen and I feel my heart thud. A loud ringing fills my head and I can't focus on his words or the eerie calmness that seems to fall over the room. Haymitch's hand falls from my shoulder and I stumble backwards. I can feel my pulse in my head, throbbing as it starts to burst. I feel nauseous.
There's a hand wrapped in mine, pulling me from the room just as a female voice fills the space. It's strong and clear and familiar and everything I want to wrap myself up in. There's a crackle and Snow is back, preaching about something or other just before it's interrupted again. I can't focus on the sounds of bombs falling and the crowd of people gasping as I'm shoved against the wall and Delly is kissing me and holding my collar tightly in her fingers.
I'm distracted by her lips and the fierce way they're pressing into mine. When I push back, we stumble down the hallway and soon we're walking away from the cafeteria and towards the living quarters. I don't remember getting to her room but soon we're there and she's against me and pushing me down onto her bed and crawling over me and the pounding in my head is back as she kisses me again and lifts my shirt up my chest.
I can't focus on the way we're pressed together. I can't focus on the feel of her, or the way she tastes, or the way this feels out of control and reckless. There's no stopping her when she pulls her shirt over her head and holds my hand to her supple breast.
The ringing in my head grows and I'm nauseous again.
She's rocking her hips against me and whispering in my ear but I don't understand her at all.
All I can picture is rain and my back yard and bread and Katniss and the beating my mother gave me after for burning the bread. I'm stuck in the replay of the moment as Delly bites at my lip and I groan as mentally I remember taking a wallop from my mother.
"Stop thinking," She gasps in my ear and shoves her hand in my pants, grasping at my length and pulling me free. I can't focus. Where is all this noise coming from? "Peeta," Delly calls and I flicker my eyes back towards her, sure that they're wide as saucers as she leans down towards me.
I feel sick.
This isn't right.
What is happening?
Without warning my body is twisting to the side as my shoulder slips free of its sling and my stomach wretches onto the floor. I feel the burn in my arm as my elbow stretches out and I try to regain some sense of my body and where I am. Delly recoils from her place on my hips and scuttles to the ground, holding my torso from its precarious position on the edge of the bed.
When I come back to my surroundings, I can't look at Delly. Whatever's just happened has ruined this. Why is everyone so fucking crazy?
"Are you alright? Do I need to get Aurelius?" She asks, her voice sounding desperate. I nearly laugh – oh how they would chastise me for my current state.
"No, just... Let me get out of here." I croak, the stomach acid still burning in my esophagus.
"Let me make a quick call first." In a flash she's gone, throwing her shirt on and disappearing into the hallway to one of the common phones. When she returns I've tucked myself back into my pants and have righted my shirt, just a little bit embarrassed about what just happened. "Haymitch wants to see you," She replies as she shuts the door. She doesn't dare get any closer, pressing her back against the wall and watching me carefully.
I kneel at her bedside and wipe up the remainder of my mess with a cloth, guilty for causing it in the first place. "What just happened, Delly?" My voice is quiet when I ask, still a little unsure as to whether I want to know the answer or not.
"Nothing happened," She lies and I can see it on her face. I slam down the cloth I've been using and push to my feet.
"Stop lying to me!" I shout and turn away from her. I remember what's just occurred, even if I don't really understand it.
"Go see Haymitch." Opening the door, she stands behind it and watches me from afar. I can see the pleading look in her eyes and the careful way she hides.
"Fine," I snap and pull the door shut behind me.
Finding Haymitch in our unit is easy. He's sitting on his bed, staring at the floor when I crash into the room. He doesn't even bother to look at me.
"You survived."
His words catch me off guard and I frown.
"What exactly was there to survive?" He looks up at me then, cocking an eyebrow and staring me down.
"There was a broadcast. It would have triggered you. We taped it yesterday – all of us. All of the Victors. I thought you should know."
"What exactly do you mean? All of the Victors?" I take a seat on my bed and stare at him from across the room. There isn't the familiar hum of an episode coming on and I want to absorb as much information as I can while he's providing it.
"Finnick. Annie. Beetee. Johanna. Me. Katniss." The name on his lips gives me a jolt but it doesn't stir anything anymore. Maybe just a feeling of hollowness.
"What did you say?"
"We talked about what's happened to us. What's happened to you," He states it very carefully, watching my every movement for a flinch or a threatening gesture. I've got nothing. Maybe I'm still in shock from whatever's just happened with Delly.
"Okay," I reply, nodding my head and looking at the ground. "Is that why you tried to get me out of the cafeteria? And why Delly came to get me?"
His nod makes my skin prickle. Delly's in on it too. My Delly. The one I can trust. Or could.
"Dammit," I mutter and stand up to pace, trying desperately to process this information.
I knew two things. The first, I needed to see that video. The second, Delly. I needed to deal with Delly. Why had she distracted me like that? It didn't make sense.
"How are you feeling?" Haymitch asks from his stationary place on the bed. I can feel his eyes burning into the back of my head.
"Fucking pissed off. Frustrated." I clench my fist in my sling and savour the way my whole arm vibrates with the pain.
"Not sick? Not like an episode?" I shake my head but continue pacing. He doesn't make to stop me. "That's good."
"Not if you're me," I snap. "What are you people trying to do? Kill me? Why can't you just tell me in one long session and just get it over with? Why can't I know anything about myself? Why are you all playing with me?" My voice cracks on the last bit as I realize that with all of this anger also comes a wide array of disappointment and hurt. They're all liars.
"Because it would kill you," His voice is so cold that it sends a shiver up my spine and forces me to stop pacing and look at him. "We did a scan of your brain while you were out. Your episodes are causing serious damage and we're trying to fix it but they're coming to fast to repair. The bump on your head really scrambled things too and so we're looking at that. Peeta," He sighs and steps toe-to-toe with me, gripping my arm in his hand. "This isn't a game. We aren't playing. We're trying to make you better but each step forward takes us back as well. If we're not careful, you're going to kill yourself trying to remember."
AN: Yes, I realize the last half was a jumbled frantic mess. I'm sorry if it doesn't read well, but I was trying for the POV point (which no, I'm not trying to use as an excuse for terrible writing). As a sidenote, I'm also aware that Swingsets was due for another update and not this. As that next chapter is going to take a little more prodding and since I'm going to be working like 40 hours between now and Monday, I decided it best to wait until I could put effort into it. I hope you don't find this chapter to be shit. I wouldn't blame you if you did.