The cold that had taken Joanna was gone within the second day. Pike had watched her then too, much to Bones' dismay. By Friday, she was ready to go back to Sandcastles, hyper and happy. They would be going to Bones' suite after they picked her up, and Jim would be coming home alone. She seemed excited about the change of pace, though Jim was kind of dreading it. Jim and Bones had spent most of Thursday discussing the arrangements.

Bones had been concerned that she didn't have a bed at his place, but Jim had been quick to assure him that Jo would be happy to share a bed, or most likely would fall asleep on the couch. Both were comfortable enough for her, and Jim didn't think the doctor was some sort of terrible parent for having yet to purchase even one of those inflate-a-beds that his aunt and uncle had bought for him on Tarsus IV, which despite the initial hesitance had really been beyond comfortable. Bones hadn't had the finances for it yet. Between sending his ex-wife, the wench, half of his credits for alimony and paying for the basic necessities that came from just living, it was hard to get some of the more expensive things.

She would be staying with him from Friday night until Sunday night, and though Bones had made it clear that he was more than welcome to stay, lord knew he spent most of his free time with him anyway, Jim thought he would only visit for a few hours each day. That way Joanna would become accustomed to heeding Bones without looking at Jim first.

He was relaying this in basic details to Uhura when one of the cakettes, the one from Archer's Relativistic Physics class, wandered up to their table of two, looking a little apprehensive and a lot like he was swallowing a healthy amount of pride. Jim watched him curiously out of the corner of his eye, but as Uhura had her back to the man, she didn't notice his approach and continued telling Jim how he didn't have to worry about Joanna or Bones; they were both wonderful, after all. It wasn't until she took a pause to take a sip from her drink when the cakette…Harrigan, that was his name, cleared his throat.

Jim turned his full attention to the man, the one who had had him on the table in Shipyard Bar, trying to beat his nose even with the rest of his face. "Yes?" he asked pleasantly.

Uhura turned around; her gaze narrowing when she saw him there, and Harrigan had the good sense to look a little intimidated. He fidgeted for a moment, before straightening. "May I sit?" he asked.

Uhura looked a split second from denying him, but Jim spoke quickly. "Go for it, Harrigan. Lots of room."

She spun around to face him with a wild look in her eye, clearly conveying the warning that if he started a fight here, she would be the one flattening his face. Jim didn't doubt that he could move her to such violence.

The cakette took a seat a little stiffly, sitting board straight, and glancing between them. Jim gave him a simile of a smile before he returned his attention to Uhura. "You remember Harrigan? He was at the bar with us in Iowa."

Her lips pursed in response, as a steady unimpressed stare took over her face for a moment, before she forcefully relaxed. She turned to Harrigan, producing her hand just as stiffly as the cakette sat. When Harrigan took it hesitantly, she nodded. "Uhura. Pleasure to meet you again."

Her tone told everyone at the table that 'again' had best mean 'better.' Jim smiled at her understandingly, while Harrigan jerked his head up and down once. "Please, Uhura, call me Henry."

"Henry!" Jim crowed, trying to dispel some of the tension, even though it was amusing to watch a hulking man be stared down by someone literally a third his size. He was just relatively sure the cakette had something on his mind and Jim didn't necessarily want to spend the rest of his lunch wave in this awkward power play…mainly because he already knew who the winner would be. "Henry! See, Uhura? He has a first name."

"Don't start with me, Kirk," she warned, her dark gaze narrowing on him irritably.

He shrugged. "Just saying…" She did not care what he was 'just saying.' That much was apparent in the way the intensity of her look magnified. He took a sip of his drink to give himself a brief moment of collection. When he set the glass down, he asked Harrigan, "So, what brings you to our humble corner of the world?"

The large man cleared his throat. "I, uh…" He took a deep breath. He looked around the room behind Jim, and just basically not at Jim, still trying to swallow that pride. "I was wondering if you were available for tutoring."

Of all the ways he had been expecting this conversation to go, that was not one of them.

He glanced at his friend beside him to see her confused face, but quickly he returned his attention to the man who looked like he was regretting his decision to come over and ask. Now, Jim wouldn't deny it, a little vengeance was always nice, but the man was working to bury the hatchet. How could he, in good conscience, deny him that? He shrugged, feigning nonchalance. "Sure thing. Anything in specific you need help with or…?"

Henry, yeah, that name sucked. Jim would have to find a new one soon. The only thing that kept him from outright making up names for Uhura was because A) he was pretty sure she would disembowel him, and though that did sound fun, he really liked his guts intact and B) Joanna already called her Aiya, and he kind of liked that. She would slip up eventually. He would find out. It was just a matter of when.

Anyway, Henry began describing some of the things he was sketchy on. Mostly it was minor things, a few theories that didn't have to do with the 'physics' part of Relativistic Physics. He was apparently pretty solid when it came to physics; the hard numbers that couldn't lead him astray were in his bloodstream, as Henry so poetically put it. Jim could help him out with it. Everything he needed help with was fairly simple once one wrapped the mind around the smaller things and built up from it.

They set up a vague time on Thursdays for Jim to meet him in the library, and then Henry was off, bolting away like he had just been freed from a Cardassian prison before the death sentence had been enacted. Jim kind of smiled at that, and Uhura even looked impressed with the way a man like Harrigan could bolt like lightning. She turned her attention to him with an amused quirk of her lips.

"For all of your annoying habits," she said kindly. "You're not half bad."

He smiled at her, having taken a real shine to that compliment. And coming from Uhura, it really was a compliment. It took his mind off of the nagging loneliness he already felt creeping up on him at the thought of having his suite to himself all night and most of the weekend. He knew he should probably take advantage of it, but the fact was he really wasn't sure what to do with it. He and Archer had split the first of the three essays in half, so Jim had one-hundred and twenty-five essays, each totaling five thousand words. It would kill a couple hours, but there was no way it would take up his entire weekend.

Maybe he'd just find a bar like he always did when Maggie Jay had stolen Jo away from him for a night. This was San Francisco, there had to be a few dozen he could choose from.

Uhura kicked him under the lunch table, popping a piece of chicken into her mouth innocently as she looked him over. "You're pouting."

He didn't even deny it.

+ststst+

Jim had Joanna all bundled up and ready to go by the time Bones finally escaped his shift, which had been steady increasing the number of hours Bones stayed. He had her quilt with the embroidered starships and planets hung over one arm, and her overnight bag stuffed absolutely full of anything she might need on that same shoulder. He knew he would be seeing her tomorrow, but it felt like he had to pack everything possible just to be safe.

Joanna waited patiently on her chair at the table, her little legs swinging back and forth in the air as she made her sehlat do a dance for her, while Jim did a double-check of the suite to make sure he hadn't forgotten anything. He had pull-ups, in case of emergency, though for the last week and a half she had done well, and he had switched her mostly to regular underwear. He had a nightgown and pajamas, because sometimes she was fickle. Bones already had a lot of the foods she liked, as well as the anti-tangles shampoo that she liked.

If there was anything else, it could wait until tomorrow.

"Come on, Jo-bear," he called out to her, reaching his hand for her to take. "Let's go see papa."

"Okay!" she said, hopping out of her seat with an audible 'thud.' "We'll go see papa!"

She ran up to him, her curls loose of the bun he put it in that morning and swirling wildly around her as she came to a halt by his side. She reached up and put her small hand in his palm, her face alight with excitement.

On the way over, Jim tried to explain to her, as well as he could, that she would be staying with Bones, but it would be okay. Mostly she just kind of looked at him like he was the dumbest person in the known universe and he was working on expanding that to the unknown universe as well. He finally gave up on it, decided that she would probably be fine. She had fallen asleep at Maggie Jay's a few times, though she had never spent an entire weekend away from him. Sure he would be visiting, but it just wasn't the same and Jim felt some apprehension about that.

He wondered momentarily if they should have gradually worked her up to this. Why he hadn't thought of this earlier, he didn't know, but it was eating at him now. He knew they would probably be okay without him hovering in the background ready to pounce if needed. Bones had proven himself more than capable of parenting without the help of Jim, and Jo was a very good girl. Nothing would happen; he knew that. It still didn't ease the anxiety.

He tapped in the code to Bones' suite, not even bothering to warn Bones that he was about to enter. Honestly, he had called to tell Jim he was ready whenever they were. As always the suite was clean. The desk was a little cluttered, but all in all, it was like he had a maid in comparison to Jim's place.

Bones was sitting on his couch with a padd held in his hand. In this little kitchenette, a smell of take out wafted towards them. Chinese, if Jim had to guess. Joanna had already eaten dinner, but Bones had said he would stop and get dinner for Jim and himself on the way back, so Jim had waited.

When Bones looked up, his brows furrowed. "Good God, man!" he exclaimed, looking over the bag Jim had over his shoulder. "Did you pack her entire room?"

He shrugged. "I left the bed."

"I suppose I should be glad about that." Bones scooted off of the couch to balance on the balls of his feet. Joanna, automatically knowing what Bones was doing, shot from Jim's side and into the doctors arms, sehlat and all. The smile on both of their faces was radiant and Jim couldn't help the small grin that stole across his lips as well. Slowly, he stepped further into the apartment, moving towards the food, because, holy God! It was already seven thirty and he hadn't eaten anything for eight hours except a piece of cheese that he had 'napped from Jo's plate.

He was used to starving, don't get him wrong. Tarsus taught it like the best. He was even prone to forgetting to eat breakfast or lunch. However, knowing he was getting food and having it be two and a half hours away from when he was watching his little girl eat was almost worse than torture. The Chinese food was history, and Bones would have to join him soon or there would be nothing left.

As he made his plate, he listened to Jo and Bones' conversation, which was mostly Joanna talking about the dandelions they had walked by on the way over and how they were pretty and yellow, and 'I was gonna pick some, but…we had to see you.' At least she didn't blame it on him. He hadn't particularly been paying attention, but he was pretty sure she hadn't made any attempts to stop and pick Bones' dandelions. Not that if she had he would have let her. Dandelions were not his idea of suitable flowers, and on top of that he was allergic to them.

Bones nodded at all the appropriate places, not understanding why they were talking about dandelions but accepting it nonetheless. Jim took a seat on the couch, behind the two of them, listening in at all the twists and turns that the conversation took. Joanna eventually ventured off into how Sellit liked flowers, all flowers, any flower and they wanted to go to the park and make a necklace out of daisies.

Bones smiled at that, still kneeling before her. "Okay, sweetheart. We'll go to the park tomorrow."

Jo most likely wouldn't remember that in the morning. Two year olds were very in the moment. They didn't really plan for future events, only for what they wanted now. The thought was nice, though, and Joanna agreed to it, even if she wouldn't remember.

After that, Bones turned on his own holoscreen for her, switching it to some cartoonish program that the doctor hated and Jim found marginally amusing, while always managing to bring peals of laughter out of their daughter.

He trudged off into the kitchen, rolling his eyes at Jim, who already had half of his plate empty. "Did you hear the rumor that we're married?" he asked, almost hesitantly and just a little too nonchalantly. He was also carefully looking down at the food he was dishing onto the plate.

Jim snorted. "Yeah, last month. I'm blaming it on Pike."

Wrong thing to say! He cursed himself as he saw Bones tense. "Pike?" The doctor asked with carefully controlled temper. "What does he have to do with any of this?"

He shrugged, trying to play it off. "He was just the first one who mentioned that we acted like an old married couple. No big deal."

He stabbed at the chicken with faux interest, scooting some of the mushrooms over to the side. He could practically feel Bones' gaze on him, and he had no idea whether or not it was due to anger or something else, perhaps hope…

"Pike really said that?" Bones asked after a few moments of awkward silence.

Jim nodded his confirmation, setting his plate down on the coffee table. He spared a quick glance to Joanna, who yet again was about three seconds away from becoming part of the holographic characters she was watching. "Jo, back up."

She stumbled back maybe three inches, so he would have to tell her again, but Bones spoke up again, moving from the counter over to the couch to sit beside him. "What'd you say to that? I figured that woulda bothered you."

"No. There are worse things that could be said about us. Trust me."

Jim cast a quick look over at Bones to find him staring with a calculating look on his face. Something akin to regret lingered in his hazel-green eyes, though Jim didn't have the slightest clue why. He wondered what he could possibly have done to put that look in the other man's eye. He thought that had actually been the safe thing to say, but apparently he could fuck up even when he was really trying to keep thing happy.

He sighed. "Hey, I'm gonna get outta here while Jo's not paying attention."

The calculation quickly faded into confusion as Jim stood up and snuck to the kitchenette to put his plate in the recycler. As he slowly crept towards the door, Bones jumped into action, setting his plate on the coffee table and following him to the door.

"What? You only just got here!" he exclaimed as they neared the door and were firmly away from Joanna's path of attention. Jim turned around to face him, feeling a little bad about the fact that he was just eating and leaving, but not really wanting to make this worse. Not that that plan was going that great. If he stayed it got worse, if he left Bones would get upset and it would get worse.

"I know, Bones. But I thought I'd let you and Joanna have the night to yourself," he said rationally, because really that was kind of his plan. He had planned on leaving after an hour or so. Okay, he had only been there fifteen minutes but it had become apparent that tonight it would not be an easy one. "I'm sorry to eat and run, but it's easier when she's not paying attention."

"No, stay," Bones demanded, and he was sorely tempted to take him up on that offer, but it would be easier if he left now. He opened his mouth to say so, when Bones lifted his hand, resting strong fingers against Jim's neck. "Jim…please, stay."

He didn't lean into the touch, though it was a really close thing. Instead he smiled, making it as comforting as possible. "It'll be easier for me to sneak away while she's not paying attention."

"Jim," he sighed, slowly dropping his hand. It looked like it physically pained him to do so.

Jim sighed again, reaching out to take Bones' hand in his. "I'll be back tomorrow. I'm just gonna grade those essays for Archer tonight. I'll spend more time with you tomorrow." He put on that same smile; the one he hoped was half as comforting as he thought it was. "Swear."

Bones didn't look pacified, but he nodded, yet again letting Jim have his space.

+ststst+

He finished grading his half of the essay by ten thirty. Most of them were pretty good, as he would expect. Starfleet didn't let just anyone take these classes; he figured they had to understand at least a little. Their grammar was mostly atrocious, but he couldn't write properly to save his life, and Archer said as long as the premise of the essay was right it didn't matter about the grammar.

He stood from his desk with a tall stretch. He couldn't believe he had actually finished them all in one sitting. Pike hadn't exaggerated when he said Jim could read fast, but Jim was also feeling a little restless. He kept thinking about Bones and Joanna and what they were doing. He wondered if they were enjoying themselves, or if Joanna had gotten into a funk.

The only thing he had in the way of knowing how the evening was going was a voice recording of his daughter telling Bones that they were going to order a counterattack against the carrots of the world. She hadn't said it in so many words, of course, but that was the gist of it. He could hear her plain as day, how serious she was about this defensive, as well as Bones' hushed laughter and encouragements for her to continue. Jim had been chuckling away as he continued marking the essays while listening in.

That had been about an hour and a half ago though. As he wandered around his quiet suite his thoughts turned to the all consuming silence weighing down on him. He had kept the holoscreen on for the first hour, but it had been even more distracting than the lack of noise. He thought about dialing up some music, but that didn't sound appealing either. He had absolutely nothing to keep his mind off of everything that was clawing at him; every thing about Bones that he wished would suddenly become easier.

He paced the room thinking over his options with the doctor. There weren't many that he could think of doing with a clean conscience. He thought about prolonging the idea of their 'relationship' until Bones gave up, but with the way things were going he didn't see that happening. He would break long before Bones would, the persistent bastard. He thought he was stubborn, but he was beginning to realize he had nothing on southern doctors.

He also considered just bold-face lying, just telling Bones that he didn't want a relationship. Bones would be mad, but it would be better than just stringing him along. There was no way Jim would ever be ready for this relationship, no matter how much he wanted it. If Bones didn't stop loving him on his own, Jim would do something to fuck it up. He had a pretty good history of that. If it wasn't his personality in general, his long list of mental hang-ups would surely drive him away.

He just couldn't do it.

A soft pinging from his computer caught his attention, and thinking it was from Bones he rushed over to see what the problem was. It was from Maggie Jay, though, which was odd in itself. She should be at work now. He told the computer to accept the call, and Maggie's face graced the screen, wild red hair and piercing green eyes steadying him just a little.

"Maggie Jay," he said with a small smile. "What are you doing home?"

She smiled back at him. "I asked for the night off. I had a date. You remember those, right?"

He snorted. "Yeah, vaguely. Didn't they always end with me bitching at you for setting me up on them in the first place?" he asked pleasantly. When she shrugged, he shook his head, taking a seat in the chair behind him. "So, tell me about him. Who is he? What does he do? How did he manage to woo you into a date? More importantly, did you fuck him?"

She rolled her eyes. "That would be the more important question."

His shoulder hitched upward as he said, "I haven't been laid in seven months. I have to live vicariously through you. Now…?"

"You remember that doctor I told you about? The one from Ottumwa Regional?" she asked. When he nodded, she smiled beatifically and continued. "Well, he's been talking to me steadily for this last month, flirting…"

"I lied when I told you I wanted to hear about him. Did you sleep with him?"

"No."

It was probably a testament of how ridiculously pathetic his life was that he was let down by that. He deflated a little in his seat, leaning his head on the back of his seat. He was surprised when the conversation didn't pick up. He picked his head up to see her staring at him the way a hawk looks at its prey. Her gaze narrowed dangerously on him, her lips disappeared.

"You know why you're always so sad?" she asked suddenly, deadly serious.

He rolled his eyes theatrically. "I'm not sad."

"You wanna pull the other leg? This one's getting a bit long. You've been sad for three fucking years. You've just convinced yourself that you're happy to make life seem less gray. Don't get me wrong; you eclipse your sadness with joy, pleasure, and awe-inspiring pride when it comes to Joanna. Doesn't take away from the fact that, underneath it all, you are not happy."

He really hated the nonchalant way she delivered that entire spiel, like he was one of her case studies. He also hated the fact that she was right. He thought he did a pretty good job of keeping it to himself, but she had been his friend for years, and no one could always keep up such a massive lie. He had his good day, and his okay days, but he had more than his fair share of bad days. He wasn't depressed by any stretch of the imagination, but the melancholy did tend to permeate just under the surface.

He rubbed at his head, feeling a small pressure building behind his eyes. "Y'know…I'm pretty sure the Academy has shrinks if I want to be analyzed."

"Oh, but none of them know you like I do. No one knows you like I do. And that's sad, because you have a man, less than a mile away, who would kill to know you half as well." The way she said that made him wonder if they had been talking behind his back. Jim hadn't given either the other's number, but they were both very smart people. He didn't doubt they could find each other.

"I really don't want to hear this," he said quietly, not even bothering to look her in the eye.

Her steely voice answered him, the one he had always associated with her nurse's tone. "Well, I wouldn't suggest hanging up. I have connections and bad things will happen if you do. Sit back, get comfy, and take this like a grown up."

Jim rubbed his forehead, the small pulse slowly pounding its way to a full blown headache. Again he was reminded of the fact that everyone in his life was just able to pull the thoughts that he tried to bury. He was honestly getting frustrated at the way they threw his problems back at him and even more frustrated that he had no way to block them.

He closed his eyes, reaching for the edge of his desk to propel himself around in the chair. He didn't know whether it was in hopes of getting her to shut up, or if it was to feel less attached, but either way Maggie Jay did continue.

"I understand that you didn't have the easiest life," she started but just as quickly backtracked. "Actually, no…I don't understand. No one could understand what you have been through. But I can understand why you are so reluctant to believe good things can happen to you. Really, your life has only given you one gift, one, to make up for the shit storm that has rained down on you. The ridiculous thing is that you don't strive for more."

He stopped his chair with a jerk that didn't help his headache in the slightest but he was on edge and his headache hardly mattered anymore. "Jo's enough," he bit out at her, a glare coming over his face as he finally looked at her.

"I'm not saying she isn't," she pacified. "What I am saying is that enough doesn't have to be all. Joanna makes it worth while. She makes you content, makes you laugh. All children should do that. Children should be the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm just saying its okay to want more. It's not wrong to want some water to go with that light."

"You don't know…"

"Probably not," Maggie cut in quickly, a look on her face that practically screamed she was going to hate saying what she said next, and he would probably hate it right along with her. "But I can guess. You're punishing yourself for your mother's mistakes and misgivings."

Yeah, he really did hate hearing that. His face pinched tightly and he reached forward to disconnect the call saying, "Bye, Maggie."

She yelled in protest for him, but the call was already ended. For a moment he sat in his chair, a headache pounding in his temples. The suite was too quiet, and as he looked at the clock he saw it was nearing midnight. There wasn't much for him to do, though he really was sorely tempted to go over to Bones' and check up on how things were. The thought was fleeting. He wasn't going to go over there tonight, not after that conversation.

He wanted to go somewhere, though. He didn't want to stay in the suite and wallow in his own misery. The computer pinged, alerting him that Maggie was calling him back, but he ignored it. He shot out of his chair, grabbing his jacket and heading anywhere that wasn't his rooms.

+ststst+

(everybody was kung fu fighting)

…it's sorta like dancing…only deadly…

InnocentGuilt