"Want to sit a minute?"
Joe asked Adam.
"Sure." Adam stepped into Joe's room and he noticed that the small items and
anything breakable had been removed but that the mirror was still on the wall
despite the overt irony of its existence, and a small lamp sat on a table by the
door. Adam lit it, finding matches in the table's drawer.
"It's funny," Joe said, "but Miss Dobbs told me to use my other senses to know
the world and I can tell she was right. Just hearing the sounds of the glass
chimney against the metal and the smell of the sulfur and the sound of the
match being struck, well, I knew you were lighting the lamp." Joe sat on the
bed and Adam took the chair next to it. "She told me to just find a stillness
within myself, to eliminate other things and focus."
"Very Zen-like; a form of detachment from the world. Sounds as if it's a good
thing she's here. I hope you agree to let her teach you what she can."
"So you think I need a teacher?" Joe listened carefully, If Adam had a sharp
intake of breath or if his voice, was even the least querulous, he would know
that despite what Adam might say, he wouldn't mean it.
"Boy, you've always needed a teacher—and Hoss needs a keeper."
"What about you, Adam? What do you need?"
"Me? I need a good lay." The two brothers laughed but then Adam continued. "We
all need a teacher at some time and I'm not talking about grammar school but
the right teacher comes at the right time. When the student is ready, the
master will appear."
"Sounds like one of your famous quotes. Are you going to make me memorize it
like you used to whenever you bailed my ass out of trouble?"
Adam laughed. He looked at Joe and knew that Joe was waiting for something, his
eyes searching for nothing and yet for everything, so Adam said it. "How do you
feel about maybe being blind for the rest of your life?"
Joe's breathing stepped up. He tried not to cry but facing the truth was hard
and he had tried to avoid thinking about it although it was always like a stone
in the back of his head, pressing on his thoughts.
"You're the first one to ask me that. Everyone else, even Doctor Martin says
that my sight might come back but what if it doesn't, Adam? What if I'll be
blind forever? I don't want to even think about it but I can't think of
anything else and I don't know if life as a blind man is even worth living."
"There are worse things than being blind," Adam said, "and life is always worth
living."
"So that's the only comfort you can give me?"
"I don't think I can give you any comfort at all except to tell you that no one
is going to desert you. All that I can do is agree with you that what happened
is a shitty piece of luck and if you want to know how I think you should face
it, it's like this: be ready for never having your sight return and prepare for
it. Then, if it never comes back, you'll be able to survive and if it does come
back, consider yourself blessed. But that doesn't mean that you won't have that
fear that grips your bowels and twists them until you think you're going to
scream. And it doesn't mean that you won't grieve for the loss of light in your
days or that you won't wake up gasping in the middle of the night because you
had a dream about some faceless beast swallowing you whole in the dark. I know
that fear, Joe—that regret that you never appreciated what you had so listen to
me-appreciate what you have now."
"What do I have, Adam. Tell me. You tell me!"
"You have us and because of that, you'll never have to face anything alone."
Joe fell onto his bed and covered his face with his arm. He felt the bed sink
and Adam's hand on his shoulder.
"Joe, I should be saying that it'll be all right but I don't know about any of
that and I can't lie to you about it. But…you could come back to Baltimore with
me? Pa said that you won't go into town, that you don't want to face people who
know you, who'll pity you and that I understand. Pity is poisonous, but if you
come back to Baltimore, no one will know you as anything else. And just maybe,
eventually, you'll be the man who had been blind once but who miraculously
regained his sight."
Joe sat up and rubbed his face. "You've been to Chinatown with Hop Sing before,
right? I used to go with him all the time when I was a kid."
"Yeah, I went with him lots of times. Why?"
"Do you remember the Chinese saying that Hop Sing would end the transaction
with if he got a good price on something?" Adam nodded and then realized that
Joe couldn't see him and said 'yes' aloud. "I asked him what it meant once and
he said it was, 'May you do business with the blind'. Well, that sums it up
doesn't it, Adam? I'm a victim just waiting to be pounced on."
"I imagine you do feel helpless."
"Helpless? That doesn't even sum it up. I don't even know when to finish wiping
my ass. How do I know that there's not a wad of snot hanging out my nose or
food between my teeth. I'm afraid that I'll accidentally cut my throat shaving
so Hoss shaves me. And I never really know if I'm alone. I'm always thinking
that someone is watching me? I can't even scratch my ass 'cause I don't know if
someone else is there. I can't ride, I can't rope—I'm useless around here."
A silence fell and Joe waited. Then he heard Adam's deep voice. "Pa, told me
about Sally Morris."
"I figured that you two were talking about me."
"Same old, self-centered Little Joe. Actually, we were talking about me—your
name just happened to come up in conversation."
Joe could tell by Adam's voice that he was grinning, teasing Joe, so Joe smiled
and then he remembered that they were talking about Sally Morris. "I had been
thinking about marrying Sally but now, well, I wouldn't make a very good
husband-an excellent blind man, yes—but not a good husband. Besides, I don't
think Sally would want me anymore. Blindness is sort of a deal breaker for
marriage, if you know what I mean. That and being gelded."
Adam chuckled. "When Pa told me about Sally, well, I couldn't help but think of
Tessa Caldwell. I remember that we were all afraid that you were marrying her
out of guilt and it turns out you were. So do you think, remembering how you
felt, that Sally would feel that way about you? That if she does continue with
you, it would be out of guilt?"
Joe sat silent and then he quietly answered, "Yes."
"Maybe it would be because she loves you?"
"No, I don't think so," Joe replied. "If I had always been blind, then it would
be different but I'm not the man she fell in love with."
"Inside you are."
Joe laughed again. "Maybe so, but I don't even know if that's true anymore. But
there is one positive thing about not being able to see, as Hoss said."
"Oh? What's that?"
"I don't have to worry what a whore looks like anymore because it won't
matter."
And Adam chuckled. Joe felt the bed rise again and he knew Adam had stood up.
"Hoss is right about that at least-the way people look doesn't matter
anymore. Tell you what-I have to go into Virginia City tomorrow. Why don't you
come with me and Hoss? We'll run interference for you."
Joe felt the full horror of what Adam proposed. He wasn't ready to appear in
front of the townspeople but now he had a ready excuse. "No, I can't go. Miss
Dobbs promised to teach me about the stairs and how to find my way around. I
said I would be here."
"Okay. We'll do it another time. Now I think I'll turn in—we old people need
our rest."
"G'night, Adam. And thanks for listening."
"No problem. You were so boring that you made me drowsy."
The two brothers laughed but then Joe quickly stopped. He remembered that he
wanted to ask Adam about Miss Dobbs.
"Adam, one more thing—Miss Dobbs. There's something odd about her. I can't
quite put my finger on it. She's different somehow. What is it?"
Adam paused. He wanted to tell Joe, she's blind—as blind as you, but he
didn't. Instead, he said, "I just think that you haven't been around a woman
for so long that you forget that they're different than men and you need to
remember how teachers are—bossy and opinionated."
"Oh, just like you are." Joe grinned as Adam reached out and mussed his hair, a
gesture from when Joe was small and it expressed Adam's love and protectiveness
for his baby brother.
"Better to be schooled by a pretty woman than by me."
"Is she pretty? I mean, she seems older and all. I never thought if she was
pretty or not. Maybe I'm making progress, not thinking about the way a woman
looks."
"She's a handsome woman," Adam answered. And that was the truth.
"Think Pa likes her? Maybe we have a budding romance."
Adam laughed. "I think Pa has other things on his mind—but you know Pa-the
women love him." Joe chuckled remembering the women who had come and gone in
his father's life after his mother.
"Well," Adam continued, "this bossy, opinionated, older brother is telling you
to get some shut-eye."
"My eyes are always shut, Adam. Always."
And Adam paused and looked back at Joe one last time before he closed the door
and Joe fell back onto the bed.
TBC