Chapter 10:

Fair warning: A bit of suggestive dialogue towards the end.

. . .

"What are you thinking about?" Mark murmurs a few minutes later, kissing the back of her neck as they lie beside each other, bodies curved together. "You wondering if this is really happening too?"

Lexie shakes her head. "That first night," she whispers, voice choking with shame. She can't even meet his eyes.

"Oh." She doesn't miss how it takes him a few seconds to voice even the smallest of responses.

"That was horrible of me," Lexie tells him, "to do that to you. It was awful."

"It…" Mark begins, trying to play off her actions, but can't find a suitable way to turn the situation. "Yes," he replies truthfully after a moment. "It was."

"Thanks," Lexie says, half-laughing as she turns to look at his face, wiping hers quickly.

"I'm only agreeing with you," Mark shrugs, tucking a stray lock of hair behind her ear. "And it's true."

"I've regretted it ever since I did it," Lexie tells him, reaching out to touch his face hesitantly. Her fingertips drag slowly across the skin of his cheek. "I've always felt so awful for how I acted. It was just…terrible."

"It's okay," Mark shrugs, reaching up and taking her hand within his. "I had pretty much forgotten it."

"You're lying," Lexie observes softly, staring hard at him. "But that's okay," she allows after a moment, "since I know you're doing it to make me feel better. So I appreciate it."

"As long as you don't wake up tomorrow and regret tonight, I don't care what happened in the past." He pauses. "I can understand, though, why you did it. I can… I get why you went back."

"Don't say that," Lexie whispers, tracing the line of his jaw lightly. "You don't have to say that."

"I'm just telling you I understand, is all." He shifts to meet her eyes. "Why's that so bad?"

"Because," Lexie replies, "you shouldn't understand—there shouldn't be anything to understand because I shouldn't have gone back. I should have stayed with you."

"You're staying with me now," Mark points out.

Lexie smiles delicately. "I am," she agrees. A few seconds later, her smile collapses under the weight of her knowledge of all she's done to him. She can see it in his face; he's trying to hide the fact that she's hurt him so many times in the past. But pain isn't a thing that can be easily hidden, especially from loved ones. "Are you ever going to trust me again?" Lexie whispers desperately, feeling like crying at all the pain she's caused him by trying to do what she thought was right.

"I trust you," Mark replies automatically, his forehead creasing at the anguish in her tone.

"Don't," Lexie orders over his answer. "Don't lie to me, don't try to make me feel better. Not about this. I need to know, right now: Are you ever going to trust me again?"

Mark sighs, closing his eyes and leaning forward until their foreheads are touching. "I trust you," he whispers, continuing before she can voice her protests. "Whether it's the best thing to do or even what I want to do, I trust you. I trust you with my heart, with my life…" He sighs, but his lips flicker upwards slightly. "I just ask that you stop abusing the two so much."

"Mark," Lexie whispers, feeling tears clog her throat. He opens his eyes at the sound of her voice, his gaze looking right into her face.

"I hadn't meant to make you cry," Mark says, sounding put-out.

"It's not your fault," Lexie excuses. "It's mine. I'm so sorry for everything, for all that I've done to you." She wipes her face quickly before speaking again. "Just—just promise me you trusted me—for real, this time—when I said I was leaving him. Promise me you believed that."

"I did," Mark replies, resting his hand on her bare back and drawing her close. "I believed you."

It's a few seconds before Lexie can voice her fears. "Why?" She asks, voice cracking. "Why did you even bother believing me, after all I've done to you? After all the lies?"

"You haven't been lying to me." Mark smiles gently, kissing her softly. "And what else do I have besides you, anyway?"

Lexie stares at him, biting her lip at his words, but before she can speak, he continues.

"Anyway, it was years ago," Mark tells her. "You don't have to say you're sorry for everything that's happened all this time."

"I fee like I should," Lexie murmurs, looking at her hands.

"Yes, but you don't have to." He tilts his head, smiling with half his mouth. "You don't see me rushing into apologies."

"Please," Lexie mutters. "What do you have to apologize for?"

Mark's face breaks out in a full-fledged grin, his arm reaching out to pull her close. "Oh, how quickly you forget…"

"What?"

"Come on, Lex. I have my fair share of stuff to be sorry for."

"Name one," Lexie dares.

"I can name five," Mark counters.

"Oh, it isn't that big of a—"

"Sloane, the baby, Addison, Callie, Sofia…" He sighs, closing his eyes. "I'm so sorry for everything. I was the one who broke us up again and again—"

"What? No you weren't. I left."

"Yeah, but you only left because of what I did. It was my fault."

"I still left," Lexie mutters. "And don't be sorry for Sofia," she adds. "She's your daughter."

"She kept me from you." Mark's voice is firm, and Lexie sincerely hopes he hasn't been secretly resenting the little girl.

"No, I kept me from you," Lexie corrects him. "And it was stupid and childish of me. We could—we could have dealt with that. It wasn't like you were in love with Callie or anything. It was just a baby," Lexie murmurs, tucking her head against his chest and closing her eyes.

Mark stares at her, his gaze so serious it seems as if his eyes aren't blinking. It's a few seconds before he asks what's been on his mind since she told him. "Does…does he know?"

"About us?" Lexie's eyes open as she attempts to contain a yawn. "God, no."

"No, I…I meant…I meant about the baby," Mark whispers hesitantly, unsure if it's okay if he talks about it. But Lexie doesn't look perturbed as she shakes her head, lifting her face to look at him.

"No. I never told him. It wasn't…" Lexie glances down, breaking their eye contact. "It was my decision."

"He didn't know you were pregnant?"

Lexie shakes her head again, looking over to him and wondering what's on his mind.

"Why didn't you tell him?"

Lexie shrugs. "I don't know. It wouldn't have made a different if he knew or not. I didn't want to have a baby, and I guess…I guess I just wanted to pretend it never happened. So the less he knew the better, because things weren't going to change." She stares at him for a quiet minute, but when it's clear he isn't going to say anymore, she rests her head on the pillows.

"Could it…could it have been mine?" Mark asks softly, barely being able to get the words out. Lexie looks into his eyes, knowing exactly what it would mean to him if it were.

"No," she whispers, trying to keep her voice from faltering at the possibility. "It was a year or so ago, after…after we stopped sleeping together. But I…I knew it wasn't yours before I decided to give it up. If it was…" Lexie lets her breath escape from slightly parted lips. She gives him a small smile before looking away, embarrassed. "Never mind."

"What?" Mark asks. "If it was mine, what?"

"If it was yours, I…" She trails off, turning to see his face. "I would have kept it."

"You…would've?"

Lexie smiles softly, seeing the light in his eyes. "There wouldn't have been another option if it was yours."

"Even if you were with him?"

"Even if I was with him," Lexie replies firmly.

"You would have left him, then?"

"I don't think I would have been welcome," Lexie replies softly.

Mark's eyebrows rise in surprise. "You would have told him?"

"I couldn't keep up a lie like that. That's different," she adds quickly, knowing he was about to point out their current situation. "This would have been a baby. And it would be pretty obvious when the kid started looking like you and not him."

"But you said divorce…"

"I wouldn't have needed to," Lexie finishes for him. "I'm sure he would have beaten me to the punch with that one."

Mark pauses, thinking how to approach the topic, before deciding on just barreling into it. "You said you were raised not to accept divorce…" Lexie looks over at him, waiting for him to finish. "But Thatcher divorced Meredith's mother, didn't he?"

"It was my mother's belief," Lexie replies. She sighs, closing her eyes. "Just another way I'm letting her down."

"You aren't letting her down," Mark argues softly. "She'd be proud of you."

"Mark, I was raised to think that marriage is a good thing. I was raised to believe that it should be cherished above everything else. And then I got married myself and threw that belief in her face from day one. From before day one. And I'm about to break her cardinal rule."

"I still think she'd be proud of you."

"Why?"

"For finding someone you love. For staying with them despite…everything."

Lexie blinks slowly, digesting this and resting her head against his shoulder. "I guess," she replies. She closes her eyes, inhaling a breath before beginning. "My parents had plenty of problems with my dad's drinking," Lexie starts, "but my mother never even thought of leaving. At one point, he lost his job and went on a really bad bender. He ran out of whatever he was drinking and started going out to the garage, to the car. My mother tried to stop him, and he hit her." Lexie can feel Mark's arm tighten around her protectively. She opens her eyes with a sigh and looks away. "Just once, you know, and it wasn't a bad one. She didn't need stitches or anything and there wasn't any blood. It was just—" She mimics a light slap. "It was just that. And it didn't happen again. But my sister and I saw it and we asked why she didn't just go. Molly was scared there would be a repeat, and I wanted my mom to leave with us. He'd been drinking for a few days and we were all getting edgy. But all my mother did was look at us, smile, and say 'That isn't what a wife does.' She believed that marriage is forever. That it's a binding agreement and divorce isn't an option. You don't just run out on your husband because times are tough. 'Things always get better,' she'd said. She was right."

"Yeah, but times have changed," Mark replies after a moment. He pauses glancing down at her. "Is that why you didn't want to say yes? Because you—"

"Because I didn't think loving you was a good enough reason for leaving him?" Lexie finishes for him. "Yes," she replies quietly. "As much as I love you—and I do, I do love you—divorce has always been a last-ditch effort for me. It's for women being abused or mistreated or swindled. It's for women who need a way out of an awful situation. It's for women who have no other option. It's not…" Lexie looks away. "It's not for women who made the mistake or marrying someone they didn't love. It's not for women who aren't smart enough to think twice."

Mark nods, taking this in. "I guess I can see your side in it."

"Well, we're on the same side now."

Mark smiles. "That we are." He pauses, licking his lips nervously. "If I ask you something, will you promise not to lie to me?"

"Of course," Lexie replies.

"Did he hurt you?" Mark inquires quietly, seriously. "Did he hit you or—or do anything else?"

Lexie sighs, leaning her head against his shoulder. She should've seen this coming. He's always been protective. "No, he did not," Lexie replies, looking directly into his eyes. "He never touched Molly or me, and he never hit my mother again. He was…incredibly angry at himself when he realized what happened. So he just left—on foot. He came back late the next day and was completely sober. He'd gone to AA, we found out later. It was in a church; I guess he'd stayed there all day, even after it was over. I suspect he was praying for forgiveness, but I've never asked." She turns to look him in the eye. "He never hurt any of us, and never my mother twice. He's a good person, okay? He's changed."

"Sure," Mark replies easily. He can tell she doesn't want to talk about it, so he drops the subject.

Lexie closes her eyes, lost in thought. She exhales a large gust of air before speaking. "My mother would hate me for getting rid of that baby," Lexie admits. "She really would. She'd never forgive me."

Mark shrugs. "It wasn't her baby. She wasn't the one becoming a mother when she wasn't ready."

Lexie shakes her head. "No, I was ready. And that's what would have pissed her off. I was plenty ready, but I didn't want it, so I backed out and got rid of it. To borrow a phrase, I took the easy route out. And I'm not saying it was wrong to do…I'm just saying she would have thought that."

"If you didn't want the baby then you weren't ready to have it, Lex. Just because you think you can be a mother doesn't mean you can be. Plenty of people balk when faced with the reality of kids."

"Would you?" Lexie asks softly.

"Would I what?"

"Would you balk at the reality of kids?"

Mark blinks at her, processing what's behind her question. "Us?"

"Yes, us."

"Now?"

"Not right now, but… I don't know, in the future? Do you not what that or…?"

Mark smiles, leaning down to kiss the worry away from her. "Of course I want that," Mark assures her.

"You want a baby?" Lexie smiles, curious. "You want children?"

"I want everything with you," Mark affirms. "And I want children with you because…" He sighs, closing his eyes slightly in embarrassment. "Then we'd always be together. Even if we were apart, there'd be proof that we were together, that we loved each other enough to make a baby."

Lexie smiles to herself, biting her lip.

"What?" Mark asks, noticing the look in her eyes. "What'd I say?"

"Nothing, it's just that…" Lexie smiles, shaking her head at the similarities between them. "That's exactly what I thought to myself when I thought about having kids with him. I… I couldn't live like that, being tied to him that closely. But with you…" Lexie reaches up to hold his cheek in her hand. "With you, that's all I've ever wanted."

Mark leans forward, kissing her softly. "Good, then."

Lexie's silent for a few moments before admitting, "I wish it had been, though. The baby," she clarifies at the confused look on his face. "I wanted it to be yours."

"You—you did?" Mark asks, wondering why she'd want to risk the possibility after all he'd learned about her reticence towards ending marriages. "Why?"

Lexie sighs. "Because then, at least, I would have known this was real. What was happening between you and me. I would have known I wasn't dreaming."

"Yeah, but I feel like the ramifications would have made you hope you were dreaming." He pauses, tilting his head towards her. "And can I let you in on a little secret?"

"Sure," Lexie replies.

"This is real," he whispers, leaning down and kissing her softly. "You aren't dreaming." Lexie lifts her head fully from his chest as she kisses him back. She draws his head towards hers with a hand on the nape of his neck. Mark moves swiftly to flip them over, settling his body above hers, kissing her deeply.

Lexie smiles into the kiss, her hands holding his face as close as possible. He ducks down, his lips moving from her mouth to her neck, sucking at the hollows above and below her collarbone. Lexie gasps at the feeling, her body arching up into his involuntarily, her breasts pressing against his chest as her hands hug his body closer. Their lips and tongues take turns exploring each other until Lexie pulls back a few minutes later, confused at the sound of his uneven breathing.

"Mark?" She whispers worriedly, tilting his head so she can look him in the eye. They haven't been doing anything long enough to elicit this kind of response, especially from him. "Baby, are you okay?"

He nods, but it's quick and jerky—intended to end the conversation. Lexie bites her lip at this, shifting to hold his face between both her hands and force him to look her in the eye.

"Hey," Lexie whispers, looking up at him and immediately knowing what's plaguing him. "It's okay. I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere. I'm here with you."

Mark nods again, but the wild look in his eyes hasn't left and his racing heartbeat hasn't slowed.

"I'm not leaving you," Lexie assures him, reaching up to kiss him softly. "I'm leaving him, not you. I'm not going anywhere. This isn't the end for us, okay? This is a beginning. This isn't like before. I love you, okay?"

When Mark speaks, his voice is dry, choked, as if he's been dehydrated for days. "I know."

"We don't have to do this," Lexie offers softly, her hands slipping from his neck to hold his cheeks as she shifts beneath him. She strokes his skin softly with her thumbs. "We can just—go to sleep. We can do this later; it's not that big of a deal. I don't care about this."

"No," Mark shakes his head. "No, I want to. I want you. I just…" He closes his eyes briefly, frustrated at not being able to put his thoughts and feelings into words.

"If you want me," Lexie whispers, her fingertips trailing up and down his sides and causing him to shiver, "then take me."

Mark's eyes widen at her hushed tone and the seductive nature of her words. "Lex…"

"Come on, Mark," she entices him. She leans upwards, kissing him languidly, knowing the soft encouragement he needs. "We aren't doing anything wrong, not anymore," she assures him. "I'm leaving him." Lexie reaches out, her fingertips tracing a delicate path from his temple to his lips. "Make love to me, Mark." Her fingers rest above his speechless mouth as she murmurs the next words. "Make me yours. Only yours."

He sighs slowly, closing his eyes and bending down until their lips touch. Mark whispers her words back to her before claiming her mouth lovingly as his. "Make me yours. Only yours."

. . .

Wake me up,

Wake me up inside

Call my name and save me from the dark

Bid my blood to run

Before I come undone

Save me from the nothing I've become

. . .

Now that I know what I'm without

You can't just leave me

Breathe into me and make me real

Bring me to life

. . .

Frozen inside without your touch

Without your love, darling

Only you are the life among the dead

. . .

I've been living a lie

There's nothing inside

Bring me to life

. . .

All this time, I can't believe I couldn't see

Kept in the dark but you were there in front of me

I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems

Got to open my eyes to everything

. . .

Author's Note: So what'd you think? Please review and leave me your thoughts!