Chapter 10:

Reflections

The days were growing long, and the nights were growing even longer. It had nothing to do with a season change. The sun was up for just as long, and the black sky remained darkened for the same amount of time. The lack of sleep is what kept the night going, and in the day wanting to keel over is what made the light drag on. There was nothing that could be done. The feeling of love kept her going, but being pregnant made it harder. She wanted to scream at the top of her lungs, but she didn't know who she was screaming at. Fate was showing its cruel side, and worst of all she couldn't touch it, she couldn't see it, all her senses weren't aware of it. It was completely internal. Dylan was growing thinner by the day, he felt tired all the time, and his breathing had become shallow. He never complained though; however, he had the tendency to moan and then claim he was alright. She knew why he was doing such a thing, and it didn't help despite what he thought. Dylan didn't want to be a burden on his pregnant girlfriend, but not knowing when Dylan needed something forced Kelly to play guessing games making her even more tired.

Kelly crept into Dylan and her bedroom quietly. The last thing she wanted to do was wake him if had finally gotten to sleep. Sure enough he laid there awake; therefore, allowing Kelly to know that they were about to pull an all nighter. She lay down next to him, and took him in her arms. His weak body lay softly in her arms, he fought to keep his breath, and he still managed to smile up at her. Time had stopped for Dylan, and that scared Kelly. The days didn't matter to him anymore. All that mattered to him was just lasting another minute. She wanted this horrid process to slow down; she wanted more time with him. The doctors still had not stated when he would go, how much time he had left, and to Kelly that was good news. There was still hope for him, and hope that he would get a new heart. She knew that it would have to be found sooner rather than later, and she could not deny this no matter how much she wanted to claim it as false.

"Sometimes I look back, and I think about what it was like when we were kids. Most people say how simpler it was as a child, and when I look back I see the struggle that we had to endure. Sometimes I look back, and I think it would have been better off had I not fought so hard to survive the lonesome. I wanted to curl up, and give up. I wanted to allow myself to get swept away. I don't know where I would be taken, but it was better than living a life of pain. There have been many lonely nights that I think about the darkness, and I have prayed to be taken there. It's funny how someone could want to be taken to a place of pain, but I wanted it because I figured that pain could only be less than what I was going through. Drugs, death, judgment…all things I would rather live without," Dylan rambled on not sure of why he was speaking of such things.

"What changed your mind?" Kelly asked curiously.

"I woke up one morning, and I found inside myself why I kept going. I kept going, because I still had hope that maybe one day I would feel complete. I woke up, and I realized that my life didn't have to end when Antonia's life had ended. I still had love, I still felt love, and I knew that I felt it for you…I felt it for our friends. I wanted to prove that I wasn't just someone who was going to spend their whole life on a beach drinking, and watching the sun go down. I decided that fighting to survive hadn't been such a bad thing, because the many nights I felt alone I know that I wasn't. Sometimes I lay here in this bed, and I remember graduation, I remember hanging with everybody, I remember our first kiss, our first dance, hell I even think about our first fight. They leave me to one conclusion…despite having a bad day, having a bad past, having a bad everything…there's still always something to live for. I still have things to live for. I have you, something that I've dreamed about having all my life. I have our baby, and I know that I'm not always responsible; I have run away from so much because I just didn't want to deal with it. I will never let our child down. I'm never going to let you down either." Dylan breathing started to grow shallow, and as it did he grabbed on to Kelly's hand and held it tight. She was his savior, and he knew with her by his side he could fight off anything.

Kelly grabbed on to his hand, as she felt his hand clasp hers, "Dylan, you just need to calm down now. You're getting yourself all worked up and you know that that isn't a good thing. You need your rest."

Kelly felt a tear roll down her cheek, and she quickly fought back the rest of the tears to come. This was her boyfriend's battle, and it was her boyfriend's pain. She was not about to let him how it affected her. He relayed on her, and right now he needed her, and she was going to be there for him no matter what that meant.

"I don't want to rest; I just want to look at you. I want to see you, and never ever forget what I see. I want to remember the way you are right now, and I want you to remember what you feel for me at this moment for as long as you live. Never forget, because someday you're going to want to, someday it's just going to be easier to let go of these memories. If you do that, if you let us go, then nothing ever mattered. All the hardships we've been through together will just be a place in time, maybe even erased from time. One day no matter where we are, no matter what has happened, whether I'm around or not…I want you to look back on this moment when you feel down, and I want you to think of me as this, and realize that you saved me. You opened my eyes, and made me see that being swept away into eternal darkness is not the only place that life intended me to go. See me as someone who was found because of your love and your guidance." Dylan closed his eyes, and allowed himself to feel the warmth that Kelly's body had to offer. He started to wonder when he would drift away. Deep inside he was scared, but on the outside he would never allow for that to show. A long time ago he was taught he needed to be strong, tough, and unaffected. Years later he still tried to live with that lesson in the back of his mind.

Kelly fought back the tears as she looked at Dylan in her arms. His eyes were closed, and she was tempted to check for a pulse. Fortunately, she started to hear his breathing, and she knew that everything was okay. Dylan tended to be a deep person, and these were one of those times. It wasn't his dying words he had just spoken; it was just Dylan being his typical self. This was a characteristic that she loved about him. He went deeper than anyone she knew; he got to the core of an issue and spilled his guts out on it if he trusted you enough. His candor made her smile, as well as his sarcasm.

"In years to come Dylan, I won't need to look back at this moment…in fact I probably will refuse to…"Kelly began to speak.

Dylan's eyes popped open with surprise, and his face did not hide the disappointment shown.

"Dylan, I love that you feel the way you do; however, in years to come I won't need to look back on this moment to remember what I felt for you. I love you now, but in the future I know that I will have grown to love you even more. No matter what happens with us, where we go, and who we grow to become. All I will have to do is look at you, and I will feel an even greater love. We may fight and say things we don't mean, but I will still love you, and nothing will ever change that. There will be times when it will be easier to just wipe you out of my head, because we're being nasty to each other, but if given the choice right now, or in fifty years to have you erased from my memory for something less complex I would tell whoever is giving me the offer to take a hike. In the end of all of it it's all worth it, because I have you." Kelly ruffled Dylan's hair a little bit, and couldn't hold back the tears. Here was the love of her life lying before her at death's door. She knew Dylan was losing hope, and the words he was speaking were of his death. Kelly would not condone such talk. She would not allow him to think that in fifty years to come he would not still be around. It was foolish to her, plain and simple. Dylan had been through to much in life, and this was not the way that he was meant to die.

"I can't see fifty years from now. Kelly I can hardly see tomorrow." Dylan voice carried great sorrow.

"It's a good thing I have better vision then you," Kelly smiled through her tears, "because I see it clearly, and we're lying in bed just like this. We're old, we're in love, and most importantly you're safe from the darkness."

Dylan sat up abruptly, he looked into Kelly's eyes, and in a shaky voice the words flew out, "I don't want to die never being married to you."

Kelly's heart stopped beating for a moment. Her mind went back to a few days ago when Dylan had proposed while being completely light headed. He had been serious, he had been thinking about this. Though the way he had said it was totally ridiculous, because of the sickness he was feeling, Dylan had still meant the words he had spoken. Kelly stood up from the bed; she walked around the room a little, and then looked back at him.

"Dylan, tell me the truth. Do you really want to marry me, or is this some sort of a delusion?" Kelly feared for the answer to come.

"Do you even have to ask that? The only delusions I have ever had is the idea that I'm meant to be alone. I shut down after Antonia died, because I didn't believe in happy endings after that. For the longest time I have looked at you, because I know that you are the one who can start my heart back up again. You're the one that I can still have a happy ending with, and without you it all falls apart. I want to marry you, because of the way you laugh. I want to marry you, because of how defensive you become in an argument. I want to marry you, because you're not afraid to tell me when you think other celebrities are hot. You want a whole list of the things I love about you; I'm prepared to hand it over! I want to marry you, because your flaws are apart of your strength. I love that you are absolutely terrible at Volleyball. I love the fact that you drag me to a million shoe stores in Paris…okay no…even I can't love that. Okay, but I do love the way you're not afraid to share your opinion. And I love that you stand by your morals and your beliefs. You don't give into other people's judgments, and how you're always willing to approve…"

Kelly leaped on the bed and kissed Dylan full of life and passion. She couldn't handle any more of his rant, and she knew that he was sincere. Never could she imagine that it was possible for a man to love both her weakness and her strengths all at once. The fact was she knew that she loved him too, and for years it had been her dream to have a wedding with him. There was nothing standing in the way now, she was free to be happy and be with the man she loved. There was no need to hide her feelings, because it was known to the public. As for trusting Dylan, looking back on the past he had never given her a reason not to trust him, surprisingly he was the only guy that had not betrayed her in some way that she had dated.

She pulled away from the kiss, her hands still holding his face, "I want to marry you too Dylan. I want to have a family, live in a house, and maybe even get a dog. I want my dreams to come true, because I know they are the same as yours."

"With a few minor details…a dog?" Dylan sat up and looked at Kelly quizzically.

"We'll talk about that later." Kelly grabbed onto him again, and kissed him with more power than she thought she could ever muster.

The days may have been growing long, and the nights may have been growing longer, but the challenges they faced were done for love. What was to come next, they didn't know, and they didn't care. They were going to face it together, whatever that meant.