Interlude: Talking About Regeneration (Over a Cup of Tea)
The TARDIS was safely floating around the Time Vortex. That settled, the Doctor had to admit to himself that he was going to be forced into having 'the talk'. The very-uncomfortable-and-truthful-talk-about-regeneration and a few other... things.
Rose and Jack was already settled in the library, chattering quietly over a cup of steaming hot chocolate and relaxing. The Doctor deliberately picked up a bottle of marmalade and toast in a very sluggish manner, unwillingly dragging his feet to the room where his two human companions were waiting for him.
"Hey, Doc!" Jack called him cheerfully, plopping his head up with a fluffy pillow. "What took you so long?"
(The TARDIS didn't like Jack; his presence made her feel all nauseous and sick, to such an extent that she wanted to run to the end of the universe to get rid of him. But her thief was fond of him, so she had to put up with him. In a tedious act of revenge, she'd often mix up the rooms and make him wander through the endless passageways until her thief came to his rescue. So Jack was never provided with a single cushion from the TARDIS- poor Jack, indeed.
But she was very fond of Rose, her Wolf, which was why whenever Rose entered the library she found a mug of steaming hot chocolate and a mountain of comfy pillows waiting for her. Having noticed the ship's discriminative behavior, Rose would hand over some pillows to Jack. He was very grateful for this, 'cause he was pretty sure that an empty, cold bed would be waiting for him in his hard-to-find room. Anyway...)
"Weellll... the TARDIS, needed to fix a few things here and there," the Time Lord lied. Rose giggled and stuck her tongue out.
"But I didn't hear any tinkering. Just say that you don't like opening up to us but you had no way out," she teased.
"Leave it," the Doctor whined, settling down on a sofa himself. "Really, I'm just not the number one fan of interrogations." He picked up a book. He flipped through a few pages and looked up with a seemingly nonchalant shrug.
"So... what first?" he asked, trying his best to keep his voice void of the fear he was feeling at this moment. Rose and Jack exchanged a meaningful glance. Finally, Rose stared at the Doctor, her playful smile replaced by a serious- almost solemn- look.
"The Game Station, Doctor," she said softly. "Can we start with the Game Station?"
The Doctor gulped, but forced an encouraging smile onto his lips. "Sure. Why not? Ask away!"
"What happened there?"
The Time Lord dropped his gaze, absent-mindedly running his hand across the front cover of the book. An old front cover. He had immediately started writing it after the Time War ended. Everything was written in it, all the details that would be a crime to forget- in his previous self's own handwriting. The History of the Time War, said the title. A terrible, all-too-familiar feeling of guilt flashed through his hearts.
"Doctor?" Jack prompted worriedly as the Doctor seemingly relapsed into silence. The Time Lord took in a deep breath and gazed at them.
...And gratitude, too. To both of them. And especially Rose. He couldn't help but think that the universe had arranged their meeting, so that she could hold onto him. She was a reminder, a promise that life was, perhaps, worth living, no matter how terrible the losses. That it can be good again. He owed so much to his Rose.
So, maybe, just maybe, just this once, even though he desperately wanted to simply laugh and lie and run away- he could talk. He could give them the truth that they wanted.
The Doctor finally took his eyes off Rose and looked at Jack. He smiled.
"Okay. Let's start with this: What do you remember, Jack?"
"Me?" Jack blinked, startled. He tilted his head to the side and scratched the back of his neck. "Well, last thing I remember, back when I was mortal, I was facing three Daleks. Death by extermination. And then I came back to life. Found myself standing knee-deep in Dalek dust, ran and found you. The big-eared you. What happened?"
"Rose," the Doctor answered simply. "Rose happened."
"Me?" She pointed at herself, puzzled. He nodded, careful and leaned back on the couch.
"But how? You sent me back home, didn't you? I didn't want you to, but you went on with it anyway." Rose narrowed her eyes in accusation. "I had to- I don't know. I think I opened up the engine of the TARDIS to get back to you. Used a yellow truck. It worked, but I don't know how."
"I'm sorry," he murmured, averting his eyes. What exactly he was sorry of, neither Jack nor Rose knew. The Doctor lapsed into silence, a million different thoughts crossing his features. And most of them were guilt. She was dying for me. She could have died.
Rose stared at him for a moment, her anger bleeding away. No matter how that memory hurt, she couldn't be angry at him. Not now. Not when he looked so... agitated. So she let the tiniest of smiles slip onto her lips and reached out to touch his arm. He flinched, startled.
"It's okay," she said. "Just... don't do it again. Don't send me away. Promise?"
The Doctor finally looked up, his brown puppy eyes full of wonder. Then his face cracked into a smile and he nodded. "Promise," he said. "Always."
"All right," Rose smiled. "You'd better keep that promise- Mom will most certainly give you a good solid slap if you don't."
The Doctor cringed at the thought of a Jackie Tyler slap, and his human companions burst into laughter. The heavy atmosphere seemed to lift a little. The laughter died out. A pause. Silence. Still uncomfortable, treading on the edge.
"So..." this time, it was Jack who spoke up first. His eyes darted over to Rose, then back to the Time Lord. He unconsciously fiddled with his sleeve and shrugged. "How did she come back?"
"Opened the heart of the Tardis and absorbed the time vortex itself," he replied slowly, a tinge of sadness coloring the edge of his voice. Rose frowned in confusion, since she couldn't recall what she had done at the time at all.
"I did that? Is that possible at all? I mean- The time vortex is something that can be, just, absorbed by someone? And if it is, what does that mean, exactly?"
"No one's ever mean to have that power, Rose," the Doctor said. He leaned back and sighed, thoughtfully looking up at the ceiling. "If a Time Lord did that, he'd become a god. A vengeful god. But you were... human."
"Good thing or bad thing?"
"Good thing, of course," the Doctor smiled softly. Everything about you is beyond perfect, he though, but didn't say it out loud. Her occasional witty comment, the tongue-between-teeth grin, the pink-and-yellowish-ness, her human heart... was good. Fantastic. Perfect. And he loved her for it. Loved her too much, perhaps.
But he'd never tell her that, no.
He inhaled deeply through his parted lips before continuing. "What you did was so human, Rose. You brought Jack back to life. You and the Bad Wolf- the TARDIS. Together."
"I did?" A look of shock crossed her features. Then realization. "Does that mean- Jack being unable to die is..."
"It's not your fault," the Doctor answered quickly, giving her a comforting squeeze on her hand. "The power wasn't meant for you, so you couldn't control it. But you did what you could. You were trying to save me... save Jack... and we'd both have died without you. Forever."
"But we're here," Jack said, grinning. "Sure, you brought me back forever. So what? Back when we were fighting the werewolf, I could save you and this cheeky Time Lord sitting right over there with my inability to die, and I'm happy with it. Hey, Rosie, cheer up. You did the right thing."
"The best thing. And that's something, I suppose," the Doctor mused. "The final act of the Time War was life."
That's who you are. You bring life, Rose. While I bring death and destruction.
...I don't deserve you.
The Doctor felt self-hatred rising like bile in his throat, making him choke. He hid it by downcasting his eyes. "But you were dying because of it. The power. You were looking at the turns and spins of the universe, the timelines. And it was killing you, burning you from the inside out."
I think you need a Doctor, he'd said, pressing his lips onto hers. She tasted of time, of life, of love and the sweetness of morning sunlight. He had a different body back then, but he still remembered it. The brightness that seared into his burnt-out soul. He tried to ignore the tingling sensation that came back, ghosting across his lips, as he recalled the memory.
He didn't tell Rose that he'd kissed her. Instead, he simply skipped over the facts and stated, "I took the power from you. Returned it to the TARDIS."
"And you died," Rose murmured, yet another realization dawning on her. A hint of fear in her eyes. "You died... because of me?"
"Oh! No, no, no, no, no, no. Absolutely not. Quite the opposite. Were you listening at all?" the Doctor shook his head vigorously. His brown eyes sparkled with excitement. "Without you, I'd have been killed by the Dalek death ray. Period. No regeneration, nada, whatsoever, gone for good. But I'm here... thanks to you. But don't you ever do it again!"
The Doctor jumped up and swiftly pushed 'The History of the Time War' onto a crowded bookshelf. Then he flopped back onto the chair, looking far more at ease than he used to be. He flashed a quick grin at Rose and Jack. Rose was still deep in thought, trying to wrap her head around everything she'd just heard.
Jack smirked, taking a quick sip from his mug before leaning back and diving back into the conversation.
"And, now. I guess it's time for you to explain about the whole 'regeneration' business. At least I was a Time Agent and had heard bits and pieces of legends about the Time Lords- but Rosie here knows practically nothing, Doc."
He waved his hand over his own face. "Aside from the fact that you practically used it to have a work done on your face. Nice job on that, by the way."
Rose broke out from her contemplations and laughed as the Doctor scrunched his nose in horror and distaste. The Time Lord puffed his chest out in indignation and crossed his arms defensively.
"I didn't use it to 'have a work done'! I don't have any control over it, it was purely by chance that I ended up quite good-looking. Well, Romana could choose a face quite easily, but not me. Regeneration is a lottery. Keep that in mind, Captain!"
The fact that he was in love probably had some influence over the process, he knew that. His 'foxy' face, yeah, right. But there was absolutely no need for them to know, right?
"When do you... well, 'regenerate'?" Rose asked cautiously.
"Severe illness, old age, injury, radiation, poison, voluntary choice, blah blah blah, 'death' in short. Anything can invoke it. But sometimes it doesn't work," he answered with a shrug. Jack's eyes widened.
"Doesn't work?"
"The process can be hindered by certain types of death. Aspirin, poison of Judas tree, drowning me quickly, destroying both of my hearts at the same time, killing me during the regeneration process... you name it. Ah, anyway."
He flopped a book open and jumped back down to sit on the couch. The page held a picture of triple helix DNA that was disintegrating halfway through. Golden energy was surrounding it.
"Billions of years being exposed to the Untempered Schism, DNA evolves, boom. What do we have now? Time Lords that can regenerate!" He motioned over to himself, immersed in his own techno-babble. "We've got this... little... regeneration energy packs and enzymes floating around in our body. When we regenerate, one energy and one enzyme pack comes together and triggers a self-repairing process. Body releases energy, fixes itself, but bits and pieces of errors occur in the DNA, causing the change in appearance... quirks... personality."
"That's why you changed," Rose realized. The Doctor nodded with a smile. "Can you regenerate indefinitely?"
"Nope, that would be really, really... cheating. I've got limits, so I have to be careful. Twelve packs, twelve regenerations, twelve bodies. That's it!"
"Which body are you on?" Jack asked, curious. The Doctor looked uncomfortable for a split second.
"...I..." The man who wasn't the Doctor. But still him. He couldn't mention that incarnation of himself. "...have got two lives left. Yes, two regenerations, period. One body roughly lasts a thousand years or so, but you know me: jeopardy-friendly." He grinned.
"Blimey, you've been running through them pretty quick, haven't you?" Rose asked, looking dazed. "You'd better be more careful when I'm around."
The Doctor offered her a playful salute. "Understood, Houston."
"But you are the same man, aren't you?" Jack asked. "You said so yourself. When you changed."
"Well..."
The Doctor hesitated. He couldn't possibly tell them that even if he regenerated... changed, it still felt like dying. No, he couldn't tell them that everything that used to be him dies in the process, that a new man would go sauntering away while the previous one is burnt away on the spot. If they realized that he was not the same man as his big-eared past self-
Blimey. He was scared of being abandoned. He, the Last of the Time Lords, the Oncoming Storm, the Lonely God. Afraid. How pathetic was that?
But he still found himself lying to them, his eyes averted as the words slid off his tongue. "Yes, I'm always the same man. Completely. Same memory, same traits, same everything."
Not same everything, you idiot. That's why you never return to your previous companions. You are afraid of how they'll look at you. How they will miss the past you. Always running away. He shook his head to get rid of the little voice in his head and forced a grin onto his face.
"Same software, different case. But regeneration always hurts, and I'm quite fond of this body, so I'm not keen on doing that again anytime soon."
"It must be scary," Rose murmured, taking the Doctor by surprise. She continued. "I think I would be terribly scared to wake up in a different body, with a different voice and everything, you know."
"It's always difficult, and always scary... to change," Jack murmured to himself. "Hell, I didn't think that I had it in me to face down Daleks and a mad werewolf. Almost wished that I was back in the World War time period. Well, not really, I take that one back." He grinned, rocking back and forth on his seat. The Doctor's jawline tightened.
...Brilliant Rose Tyler and Jack Harkness. They kept amazing him. Always seeing through him, comforting him when he was at his worst. The Doctor gulped and shrugged- he couldn't do anything more than that, for fear that his voice would break and betray his feelings.
And before he could recompose himself and give a clever remark, Rose's phone rang.
"Who is it?" Jack asked, curious, trying to peer over her shoulder. The Doctor blinked.
"It's Mickey," Rose said. The Doctor wrinkled his nose and Jack tilted his head.
"The 'idiot' in Cardiff?"
"Well, he lives in London, but basically yes." Rose brought the phone to her ear and turned her body halfway around. "Hello?"
A beat. She laughed.
"Nah, I'm fine. Saved a few planets, got knighted by Queen Victoria and exiled on the same day, the usual stuff. Yes, I'm having fun. No, not really busy..." Pause. She glanced up, looking skeptical. "Oh, really?"
"What is it?" the Doctor asked.
"He thinks something is going on. UFO sightings over a school, half the teachers got replaced, children getting record grades," Rose answered, her eyes twinkling with excitement.
"Are you sure he isn't inventing an emergency?" the Doctor frowned. Jack shook his head.
"Possessive, male Time Lord."
"Shut up," he sighed. He clapped his hands together and jumped to his feet. "Ah, all right, fine. I guess we could drop by and investigate. School dominated by aliens! Even if Rickey the Idiot's the source of information, it's worth a check. Besides, I've promised your mother a visit."
"So what do we do, mister?" Rose leaned forward, smiling. He winked.
"Well, first, we could drop by a lottery shop, buy a winning ticket, go visit one of the teachers, place it on the doorstep. And then we go investigate, the three of us. Easy with the psychic paper we've got. Same as always!"
The blue police box dematerialized with a wheezing, groaning sound. Their next destination: Deffry Vale High school.
The Doctor lies. Sometimes he doesn't. And I like to think that Jack sees through most of the lies.
Throughout the series, we see him telling people that he is the same man despite the regeneration, but he keeps referring to his other incarnations as if he's not the same man. (I personally think that he's the same man, but I do think that regeneration will scare the Doctor out of his wits- after all, his entire body changes into a different form. Randomly!) I tried to portray the delicate shades of the Doctor's thoughts, and I'm positive that I sucked. Ha ha... (sobs)
And this leads up to School Reunion Episode... :) Look forward to it!