Chapter 9: Most nights, I don't know anymore

Movement. That is what woke Dean up the next morning. A warm body slid under the sheets and laid partially on top of him. A head with soft, short hair rested on his shoulder; the hair tickled his nose with every exhalation of breath. An arm wrapped itself tightly around his waist and a leg wiggled its way between his own. Despite the warmth of the early September morning, the heat from the body contact was welcomed.

The intense bright orange of the sunlight streaming through his window agitated his closed eyes. His blood pounded through his veins; rushing through his body. His pounding headache grew more unbearable with each passing second. His body felt numb and heavy. The soft breaths of the body on top of him skirted across his bare chest.

His eyes fluttered opened in an attempt to adjust to the light. Without trying to move a lot, he looked around and noticed the pile of wet clothes on his floor from the night before, but had no recollection of how they got there. The head of his sleeping companion nuzzled his throat; their nose feather light and smooth against Deans' warm skin.

During the night they must have pushed the comforter off of them, for Dean noticed it bunched up at the end of the bed near their feet. With a sigh of relief, Deans' still waking mind noticed that he was wearing pajama pants.

At least I didn't have sex with who ever is laying next to me,he thought rather bitterly.

His eyes widened with panic. Wait. Where's Tessa? The memories of the night before flickered through his mind. Tessa, straddling his hips on the couch. Tessa being pushed to the ground as Cas and Jo came through the front door, arms laden with bottles of alcohol. The party. Ash being a drunken idiot, walking around in women clothes. The two light-weight drinkers who broke his mothers lamp. Tessa, drunkenly attacking his mouth in the bathroom. Cas, helping him throw up. Cas, standing under the cold water with him. Him asking Cas to stay with him, to sleep in the same bed as him.

And then it hit him. The soft hair under his nose. The warm nose still nuzzling his neck. Cas. He felt his face flush with this realization. How drunk was he last night?

Shifting his body slightly on the bed, Dean looked down at the still sleepy face of Cas. His sharp features were surprisingly soft in the early morning light. His pale lips were puffier than usual. The crinkled laugh lines around his eyes, nose, and lips smooth from the ultimate relaxation that only a peaceful night of sleep could bring. The light stubble along his jaw; softening it, making it seem slightly rounder, rather than its' usual sharpness.

I wonder what his stubble feels like.

With great difficulty, Dean raised a heavy hand, intending to brush his fingers lightly along Cas' jaw. The movement, however, shook Cas' body slightly. Hand hovered in midair, Deans' eyes jumped to Cas'; intense green stared into sleepy blue. A light smile graced Cas' face; the faint sunlight in the room like a halo on his dark crown. Cas looked absolutely angelic.

Hand still in the air, Dean swallowed hard and noticed for the first time how dry his mouth and throat was. He dropped his hand as he broke the staring contest, and found a glass of water and some aspirin on his nightstand. An amused smirk crossed his lips. The last time he was this hungover was after he and Cas had sex; Sam had been the one to take care of Dean. This time it was Cas.Cas, who has unknowingly plague Dean's dreams for the past month. Oh, the irony.

Cas turned his head and saw what Dean was staring at. Fighting back a yawn that threatened to escape, Cas sat up and stretched; back muscles tensed as his arms rose over his head. Dean tried not to stare, and failed. He unsuccessfully tried to gulp through the dryness in his throat. Cas grabbed the water and pain killers and handed them to Dean, who gratefully accepted. He sipped on the water, tossed the aspirin in his mouth, and threw his head back, willing the pounding to leave his skull.

"Thank you," he said, as Cas grabbed the cup from his hands and replaced it on the nightstand.

"How are you feeling?" Cas asked, brow furrowed in concern.

"I feel like shit." Cas chuckled. Dean glared. "What time is it?"

"It was almost ten thirty when I went downstairs, but that was about ten minutes ago." Dean mindlessly nodded his head. "It's not pretty down there. It'll take a few hours to clean. But at least it's only Jo downstairs." There was a pause. "Dean, we need to ta-"

Just then, the phone rang, cutting Cas' sentence off. Dean stumbled out of bed and raced down the hall in an attempt to reach the phone before it stopped. He grabbed it just before the fourth ring. "Hello?" he croaked out.

"Dean." Deans' blood ran could as the voice of his father filtered through the receiver.

"Uh, h-hey dad."

"Apparently it's not Bobby's job to remind his employees that the shop is closed for the holidays. Asshole kicked me off his couch and out of his house a few minutes ago. I can't find my keys, so make sure the door is unlocked. I'll be there in ten."

shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shitshitshitshitshitshit SHIT!

"Yes, sir." The phone went dead before the words left his mouth. He rushed back to his room, where he found Cas spread out on his bed in a pair of his pajama bottoms. He took a second to appreciate the view before walking over to his dresser.

Rummaging through the dresser, he pulled out clothes at random and threw them at Cas. "Get dressed, fast. You got to go. We'll talk later." He walked to his door, but at the lack of noise behind him he turned to find Cas looking at him like a lost puppy. He pinched the bridge of his nose; it was too early for this and he still had a raging headache. "Cas, now!"

He slammed the door as he ran downstairs to find Jo stirring on the couch. He walked, well, more like stomped, his way over to her. "Jo. Get up and get Cas out of here now," he hissed. Just like Cas, she was confused. "Jo. My dad will be here any minute. You both have to get out now." Her jaw dropped at his words. He knew what was going through her mind, because the same thing has been on repeat in his own since the phone call. Oh shit.

It was pure dumb luck that all Jo had to do was put her shoes on. Cas came down the stairs a moment later, dressed in the clothes Dean threw at him. He literally pushed them out the door and told them to get as far away as possible. Jo gave him a quick hug. "I know the drill. Half hour come back. Do you think I'll need to bring Cas with me?" she whispered. Dean shook his head as they separated. He watched them climb into the car and turn the corner before walking back into the house. Cas wasn't lying. It was bad. Even if Dean attempted to pick up some of the trash before the inevitable happened, it wouldn't make much of a difference. Instead, he made his way back to his room and waited. His leg bounced nervously as he held back the moisture in his eyes. Less than five minutes later the front door slammed. In the safety of his room, Dean allowed himself to jump.

How could he be so stupid as to allow himself to get talked into throwing a party? He won't be able to explain this without putting the blame on Jo. Even if he did put the blame on Jo, it wouldn't lessen his punishment. It'll just get Jo in trouble as well.

He held his breath and waited for his dad to take in his surroundings. The yell that followed moments later shook the house, as well as the stomping footsteps coming up the stairs. With a last clench of his fists and jaw, and an exhale of breath that temporarily got caught in his throat, Dean stood from his bed on shaky knees. He was in big trouble this time.

The bedroom door slammed open so hard it bounced off the wall. Dean felt his whole body shake as John raised his fist. Normally John avoided the face, especially so close to the beginning of school. However, when his anger was this far out of being considered 'in check', all reasoning for where his fists landed went out the window. His fist made contact with Deans' jaw, sending Dean stumbling backwards onto his bed. The next few landed in the fleshy part of Deans' stomach. After a few minutes, Dean lost count of both hits and time.

With a final blow to Deans' ribs, John left the room. A minute later the front door slammed and Johns' truck squealed out of the driveway. Dean laid on his bed, unable to move. His breaths came out in short, painful pants. His hangover headache pounded harder against his skull. He wasn't sure if he passed out or not, but Jo entered his room much later than he expected; later than usual. He was about to ask her what took her so long, though it would have been with much difficulty, if it weren't for the fact Cas followed in the room behind her.

"What... the... hell... Jo?"

Cas took one look at him before exiting the room. Jo helped Dean sit up and move up the bed to lean against the headboard. Before she got a word out, Cas came back in with more pain medicine. He handed the still half full glass of water to Dean before moving to Deans' dresser. Having remembered the locations of the shirts from the night before, Cas pulled out a t-shirt and accompanied Jo in getting Deans' stiff arms through the sleeves.

He looked at Cas for only a moment before sending a glare towards Jo. "I told you not to bring him," he seethed.

"I choose to come." "He wouldn't let me leave without coming also." they said at the same time.

"Besides," Cas said, "at least this way you have an extra set of hands to help clean up."

Dean took a deep breath and scrunched up his eyes against the pain. With a sigh, he looked back at Jo. "What did you tell him?"

"I'm right here Dean."

"Fine." He snapped his eyes to Cas'. He was surprised not to find pity or judgment in the blue orbs. Instead, Cas looked murderous, similar to how he did that day all those weeks ago at the football practice, yet there were unmistakable tears in his eyesd. "What do you know?"

"I don't know any facts, Dean. I can easily put two and two together, but it is not my place pry in your home life," he said, voice deeper than usual. He turned his attention to Jo. "I will be downstairs cleaning up." He stood up and walked to the door before turning back to Dean. "You should get some rest." Then he was gone.

"I'm so sorry, Dean!" Jo blinked back tears.

The reason Dean and Jo got along so well, outside of growing up with each other that is, is by their unspoken agreement not to have chick-flick moments and that you don't cry, because crying is a sign of weakness. Jo never cried. "I didn't even think about the fact that this weekend was Labor day weekend. Even if I did, I never expected your dad to be coming by. I'm really sorry."

He tried to wave it off, but ended up in more pain than before. "It's fine. He doesn't know you had anything to do with it."

"Cas is right. You should get some rest. We'll take care of cleaning up downstairs for now." He nodded. She helped him lay flat on the bed before she left the room. He only had to close his eyes once before darkness consumed him.

It was later in the day when Dean regained consciousness. The sound of the vacuum drifted through his opened door. He was confused for a moment, before the pain in his stomach reminded him. Oh yeah. He had a party and then got the stuffing beaten out of him by his dad. His jaw was killing him and he was certain, if he looked in a mirror, there would be a bruise. It took a few minutes of struggling, but he finally managed to get out of bed. He had to remind himself how to breath through the pain. Slow and easy. In and out. Not too fast. Don't pass out. Once he was certain his legs were strong enough to handle his weight, he walked downstairs.

The smell of bacon attacked his nose once he made it down the steps. Jo spotted him from the middle of the living room where she was vacuuming and rushed over to him. From behind her he spotted his mothers lamp, the one that was broken the night before. Overwhelmed with affection for his two friends, tears sprang to his eyes.

"You... You fixed it." It wasn't a question, but Jo nodded all the same. He had to blink back the tears. They don't cry. That was their rule. Rules, however, can be broken from time to time. So if a tear slid down Deans' cheek, neither of them mentioned it. Jo directed Dean into the dining room and helped him into a chair. She left for a moment before coming back with two plates in her hands; Cas trailed in behind her with his own plate. They ate in silence, all unsure of what to say. Dean knew without a doubt that Jo would never tell Cas what had happened after they left, but he also knew that Cas wanted to know. Every few minutes, Dean would sneak a glance in Cas' direction. Cas glared at his plate, stabbing the food with more force than necessary. The few times Dean actually saw his face, though, he didn't what to feel. He still had that murderous look, but at the same time it almost looked like he was fighting off his own tears. I don't deserve him, kept playing on repeat in his mind.

When they all finally finished eating, Jo took their plates back to the kitchen. The silence turned uncomfortable, suffocating even. Dean fidgeted in his seat, avoiding Cas' eyes. Cas broke the silence after a few minutes.

"Dean."

He looked up and met those blue eyes for the first time in hours.

"How are you feeling?"

He shrugged. "I'm fine. The pain isn't that bad. Nothing I can't handle."

Cas nodded, adverting his gaze. Jo came back in not long afterwords.

"I just got off the phone with my mom. She's going to bring Sam home in a few hours. We should probably get going. We still have to get some stuff from the store for tomorrow's bbq." Dean nodded, not sure what to say.

Well. Mark this down on your most awkward list.

What the hell am I supposed to say?

He didn't get to answer himself. Cas stood up, still dressed in Deans' clothes, as the door bell rang.

"I'll get it," he said. When he came back into the room, Tessa was behind him.

Dean was shocked to find that she didn't look angry. Jo came up to him and gave him a quick hug, apologizing once again about the party. They left.

When the front door closed, Tessa finally took a seat across from him. "Dean," she began. He met her eyes. They weren't angry, but they weren't sad either. "You're a really nice guy," she continued, "but I just don't think this is going to work out. We don't connect in that way."

He took a deep breath and tried to hide the wince when he felt pain. Right. Bruised stomach. He knew she was right. There wasn't a spark, there never was. But he also didn't know what to say. He couldn't exactly tell her that she was a test to prove to himself that he wasn't gay. So he just nodded.

"We can still be friends, though. You're the first person from school that I met. I don't want this to be a negative thing. I want something positive to come out of this." She took a moment the find the right words before continuing. "Look, we can put this behind us and just start over. If you ever need someone to talk to, about anything, you can come to me, ok?" She gave him a small smile.

Ok. So maybe she's right. This doesn't have to be a bad thing, right? I can be friends with a girl that I don't want to get in her pants. Just look at Jo!

He nodded. "Ok." He walked her to the door. He was still in some pain, but the nap he took earlier really did help. Besides, he wasn't really lying to Cas. He's used to the pain, even if this was a little more than usual.

At the door, Tessa turned around and gave him a hug. "Don't forget about me, tiger."

"I won't, promise."

After she left, Dean managed to make it back to his bedroom. His dad was still gone, which he counted as a plus. Jo and Cas worked together while he was passed out to make the house sparkling. Well, maybe not sparkling, per say, but a lot cleaner than it normally is. Ellen was bringing Sam home in a little bit. This all left Dean, alone in the house, with nothing to preoccupied his time. So he did the only thing he could do. He sprawled out on his bed, and was succumbed in his thoughts.

So let's talk about how your horrible plan ended.

The two Deans were back, much to Deans' annoyance.

There's nothing to talk about.

I beg to differ.

Couch Dean glared at chair Dean.

Fine! You were right! You win! Are you happy now?

Not really. You haven't exactly said those magic words that I'm looking for.

Couch Dean sighed, trying his best to hold back the urge to strangle chair Dean.

I have feelings for Cas and Tessa didn't stop them. Are we done here?

Nope. What are you going to do about your feelings?

What is there to do? Cas isn't stupid! He said so himself. He put two and two together and came to the conclusion that my dad beats the shit out of me! He wouldn't want to be with me! I don't even want to be with me! He deserves better!

And what about you, Dean? Don't you deserve better?

NO! I deserve to be dead!

The fire wasn't your fault, Dean! You were four!

It was my fault regardless of my age at the time! If Cas found out he wouldn't want to date me, let alone even be in the same room as me!

You don't know that! Didn't you see the look on his face earlier? He wants you to at least be honest with him! Shouldn't that count for something?

Why didn't my dad just kill me today?

Because you deserve to be happy!

I deserve to be dead!

You deserve to be saved!

Dean cut the voices off then. Even in his mind he doesn't know what to think. With a heavy sigh, he switched on his alarm clock and cranked it up high. The voices won't help anything right now. He promised Cas that morning that they would talk. When, he wasn't sure, but he needed to talk to Cas. With that being the only positive thing he knew in mind, he curled into a ball and let Black Sabbath sing him to sleep.

Notes:

I am so sorry for how long it took to get this chapter out. Going through a little bit of family issues and can't exactly get on the computer as often as I would like. But I'm not going to stop writing, it might just take longer to get the chapters out.

Also, I am sorry for how crappy the second half of this chapter is. I really wanted to get something out for you guys and my muse just really hated me today. Not to mention I've felt like I could pass out at any given moment since I first woke up. Please let me know what ya'll think! I love your reviews like crazy!