Author's Notes: Woo another chapter! Thanks to LindsayK for being an awesome beta! Check out the bottom A/N for a little announcment. On with the chapter!

Disclaimer: I do not own SVM or the characters.

It's Your Song

Chapter Ten

SPOV

But I'm telling myself, I'll be okay, on my weakest day. I get a little bit stronger

~A Little Bit Stronger by Sara Evans

I don't know how I got through the rest of the evening, but I did. Alcide's words about not knowing if he could forgive me kept playing on repeat. Did I really expect him to? Why was hearing that he wasn't sure he could upset me so much? I would never forget the look of anger and despair on his face before he walked away from me. Just thinking about it nod my stomach twisting into knots.

I went through the motions of giving Justin his nighttime bath and tucking him into bed. He didn't seem to be affected by Alcide's visit and I didn't know what to make of that. Was he angry and just not saying anything because he knew I wouldn't approve, or did he just not care now? A young child's mind was odd at times. Some things stayed with them forever, and other things just disappeared five minutes after experiencing them. How else could they get hurt so often and go back to doing the same thing over and over again? I can't count how many times Justin has gotten bumps or bruises for climbing and jumping off of things, yet he still does it. I really think that children have selective memories.

After reading him two bedtime stories, I went and took a long hot shower. The warm water pounding between my shoulder blades did little to ease the tension I was carrying. I knew it would be hard, admitting the truth to Alcide, and I knew it would hurt. But I had never considered it would hurt this much. The guilt was almost too much to bear.

Alcide had found out that he was a father. We had confronted each other. I had gave him the movies and albums, we had talked some more, and I had invited him to Justin's birthday party. He had accepted, sorta. Justin hadn't run from the room screaming when he saw Alcide. That was a big plus. It was hard to believe that all of this took place in the course of one day, it honestly felt like it had gone on for days.

I could do this. Even if Alcide never wanted to see me again, I could do this. I could balance things so that Justin had time with his father, time to get to know him and love him. I could do all that for Justin, it was just that a small part of me didn't know if I could be involved with Alcide on that level knowing I still loved him.

I got out of the shower and toweled off, pulling on a pair of comfortable shorts and my George Strait t-shirt. I thought about going to bed, but my mind was still active, and if I laid down now I would just stare at the ceiling and beat myself up all night. Ice cream. I'd go and fix a bowl of ice cream.

Wandering out of my bedroom, I heard soft voices in the living room and followed them. Tray and Amelia were sitting side by side on the couch, talking in soft undertones. They looked up at the sound of my footsteps and Amelia greeted me with a warm smile. There was something in her eyes, something she tried to hide. Sympathy.

I froze and wondered how she knew. She did know, I could tell from the way she was looking at me. Her and Tray both. Jason. It had to have been Jason. He either called her, or she had seen him at some point during the day. He never said a word to me about seeing Amelia and Tray when I picked up Justin, but it did explain why they were just now getting in.

"Sookie," Amelia called to me, her voice gentle.

There was a wealth of unspoken questions in that one word. I just stared at them, unable to articulate what had gone on while they had been gone. Tears stung my eyes and I held them back. I did not want to cry, not over this, not again. I shook my head and continued on to the kitchen. I heard footsteps behind me and ignored them. I went straight to the freezer and pulled out the carton of Ben and Jerry's Phish Food. Chocolate ice cream heals all wounds.

"Sookie," Amelia said again.

I placed the carton of ice cream on the counter and went hunting for a spoon. As I did I asked, "Why should I expect Alcide to forgive me?"

"Because you've never stopped loving him and you hope that he still loves you. When you love someone, you forgive them," she answered softly.

"Do you really, or is that something we just let ourselves believe?" I asked.

"Sookie, don't do this." Amelia moved towards me, but I backed away.

"No, I don't want your sympathy or pity, Amelia. You've been telling me all along that putting it off would just make it worse. But I was so sure that I was doing the right thing. So sure that it was the best thing for us all. I was so blind." I found the spoon I was looking for and stared down into it blindly.

"You were just protecting yourself and Justin," Amelai said quickly but with almost no conviction behind her voice. She didn't even believe what she was saying.

"Protecting us from what? Alcide wouldn't have hurt us," I asked with a sigh. "I was just stupid and selfish. Maybe a part of me wanted to hurt Alcide like this, maybe I was just being cruel and petty."

Amelia frowned at me. "Don't say that, it isn't true."

I jabbed the spoon at her before scooping out some ice cream. "Isn't it? What valid reason did I have for keeping Justin a secret? It's been five years. Alcide is no longer the newcomer. He's had time to settle into his career."

"I can't answer that, Sookie, I'm not you. But I do know you. You've been slowly killing yourself with guilt for keeping Justin a secret. Does that sound like someone who is cruel and petty?"

"Maybe. How many times over the last five years could I have called or written Alcide to tell him? How often did you or Tray, or even Jason tell me I needed to tell him?"

"Sookie Stackhouse, stop it right now," Amelia snapped and jerked the ice cream out of my hands.

I gaped up at her. "What the hell?"

"You are not going to sit here and have a pity party for yourself. Yes, you fucked up. You admit that, you realize that. But sitting here and beating yourself up over it isn't going to fix things. It won't make it all better. You can't just magically wish it all away." Amelia glared at me and slammed the carton of ice cream down on the counter. "I won't sit here and listen to this bullshit."

I bit my lip and stared down at the empty spoon. Then, suddenly furious, I threw it into the sink where it clanged against a bowl. "Fine, don't sit here and listen to it. I didn't ask you to stick your damn nose in my business!"

I turned and shoved past Tray who had come to the door at my outburst. He made an attempt to grab my arm but I twisted to avoid it. I stomped through the living room and into the hallway before throwing open the front door and stomping outside. I shut the door behind me and just leaned against it as tears filled my eyes.

I was so tired. Exhausted. The last twenty four hours had completely drained me emotionally. My brain was so full of fuzz that I had no idea what I was doing anymore. Everything was collapsing around me. It was all just so out of control and I didn't know how I could hang on any longer.

Why had I yelled at Amelia? She was only trying to help. It wasn't as if anything she said wasn't true. She put into words what I was feeling, what I was thinking. She was right. I couldn't just sit around and mope over my decisions and the results of those decisions. I couldn't wish it away. I wouldn't want to.

I wouldn't trade one moment in my life in the last five years. They had been some of the best moments of my life. I got to feel my child grow within me, hold him and cherish him. I've watched him grow from a drooling infant into a handsome little man. He was the light of my life.

Yes things would have been different and possibly better if Alcide had been involved. But I couldn't be sure of that. I couldn't be sure that it would have been me to coddle Justin when he was suffering from teething pains or been me to chase away the monsters under the bed. Yes things would have happened the same, but I wouldn't have had the same experiences.

I walked over and sat down on the porch swing, pushing with my feet to start it swinging. My fingers ran along the grain of the aged wood and I closed my eyes. I couldn't regret what I'd done any longer. Regretting would get me nothing. I had to stop thinking about the mistakes I made and focus on not making any more mistakes.

Alcide wouldn't just step back into my life. He wouldn't welcome me back into his with open arms. We were no longer the people we once were. I still loved him, but I had no idea if I loved the man he was or the man he had becomeis. Wd both changed. I realized that there was no way we could completely start over, but there was also no way of just going back and picking up where we left off.

The front door creaked and Tray stepped outside. Ashamed of how I had yelled at Amelia, I looked away and wiped away the tears. Tray said nothing as he walked over and sat next to me. One arm went around my shoulders and he tugged me gently. I went with it and laid my head on his shoulder. We rocked in silence, listening to the chirps of crickets and the croaks of frogs.

Tray wouldn't say anything until I did. Finally I sniffed, "I shouldn't have yelled at Amelia."

"She understands."

"Doesn't matter. I shouldn't have pissed off the one person who has always been there for me."

"What am I? Chopped liver?" Tray asked with a snort.

I rolled my eyes. "You know what I mean."

"She's worried and she blames herself."

I jerked away from him. "What?"

Tray tilted his head back and sighed. "I really shouldn't tell you this, but yes, she blames herself for dragging you to the concert. She feels like she pushed you into seeing Alcide and if she hadn't, things wouldn't be this bad."

"Idiot. Of course she pushed me into seeing him, but she wasn't the one who made me keep a secret. She wasn't the one who was stupid enough to think that he would just forgive me automatically," I said harshly.

"No, but like you said, she pushed you into seeing him. Her thought is if she just let you do things on your terms, he never would have showed up here and you could have told him about Justin in your own way instead of him just finding out like he did."

"Selfish of her, to try and take all the blame. I didn't have to go to the concert. I didn't have to go backstage. I could have told him last night."

"Well, you know how she is. I can't help but to feel like part of the blame is mine as well, as I urged her to take you to the concert."

"Oh Lord, we are quite the lot aren't we? Each of us trying to shoulder the blame for a mistake that I'm responsible for," I said with a bitter laugh.

"We've lived together for too long," Tray said with a grin.

I nodded slowly and looked at him. "Tray, why did you tell Amelia to take me? I know you never talk about it, but you really like Alcide's music. I know you wanted to go to the concert. Instead you suggested that she take me and kept Justin."

"Hey, Justin and I like our man time, thank you very much," Tray protested.

"Not saying you don't. I just want to know why," I asked with a shrug. "I mean, I know you never approved of what I did, but you never really vocal about it."

Tray heaved out a sigh and shoved off the swing, making it sway back and forth. He paced the length of the porch then ended up leaning against the railing and looking at me. I could barely make out his face in the shadows as he spoke.

"You're right, I didn't approve. I couldn't imagine having that done to me. But I've been here since the beginning, watched you struggle. You are a good woman, Sookie, and a fine mother. I look at you and I see a woman who knew what she wanted and got it despite the bumps life gave her. You took something that was a complete accident, something that broke your heart, and you thrived. In a way, you remind me of my own mother.

"Underneath all that though, is pain. It isn't visible to most people, but I see it, and so does Amelia. Jason probably does too. You've been carrying so much pain and guilt. What you did, it didn't just hurt Alcide, it hurt you too. I see you watching Justin sometimes and I know you're thinking of Alcide. You know that one day, when Justin learns the truth, he'll hurt and he'll blame you and you carry that pain too.

"It's not just the pain. It's the loneliness. You don't date, ever. You've given yourself completely to Justin, and to your job. That's all there is in your life. I worry that you'll break. I love you like a sister and I don't like to see you hurting. I don't want you to be alone. All the stories I've heard of you and Alcide, well it makes me think of Amelia and myself. I wanted you to have a chance to have what we have, what you once had. I don't know if it was right or wrong of me, but I was just tired and sad thinking about you just being stuck in this rut. You needed the push out of it."

"If you hadn't made that suggestion, Amelia wouldn't have pushed. If Amelia hadn't pushed, I wouldn't have gone to the concert and I wouldn't be in this situation," I said slowly without taking my eyes off him.

"True. But you are and you know what?" he asked, and went on before I could answer, "Good or bad, don't you feel better about having it all out there?"

"Better in the sense that I'm not having to hide it from Alcide any more. Sick and disgusted with myself for causing so much pain."

"That, despite what you might think, is a good thing. The fact that you are suffering for it means that you care enough. You never stopped loving him."

I shook my head and felt tears again. "No, I never stopped and never will. He's it for me, whether we make it or break it this time."

Tray came back over and sat back down, his hand patting my knee. "It's the same for him. It's going to take time but I think you two will work out in the end."

"Tray, honey, you've been watching too many Disney movies with Justin," I said with a giggle, "You sound like a girl."

"Bite me, Sookie," he growled. "You gonna be okay?"

"Yeah, I think so," I said with a sigh.

"Get some sleep."

Tray stood up and I grabbed his arm. When he looked down at me, I said softly, "Thank you, for being here and sticking with me. Thank you for being a friend."

"Hey, you and Amelia were a package deal. I wouldn't dream of trying to break up the dream team," he replied with a smile. I squeezed his hand and he said, "Get some sleep. I'm going to go haul Ames up to bed and watch Die Hard, to prove I'm not a girl."

I laughed as he tugged his hand free and walked inside the house. I listened as he and Amelia exchanged soft words and headed up the stairs. I sat outside for a while longer, staring up at the stars, just letting my mind drift.

The next few weeks would be hard, but I would survive. I had made my choices, made my mistakes. I may lose Alcide, but I still had Justin. A small piece of me would die if Alcide decided he wanted nothing more than a platonic relationship with me, but I would survive. I would always ache and burn for him, but I could live without him. He might not love me again, but I couldn't stop loving him. The only thing I could do was try to avoid any other mistakes. I couldn't deny Justin his father any longer, and I couldn't deny Alcide his son. My life was going to change, one way or another, and I just had to accept it.

Three days later I was trying to convince a German Shepard that getting her shots wouldn't be so bad. The dog was not convinced and filled my exam room with howls and whines that set off all the other canines in the waiting room. Little Lola's owner, Holly Clearly, gave me an apologetic look and held Lola's head as I deftly filled the syringe with the pale liquid. I ran my hand lightly down Lola's neck, gripped a bit of skin, lifted it, and slid the needle in. Lola let out one loud pitiful moan as I depressed the plunger and lowered her head when I pulled back, giving me the doggy version of a death glare.

"There, there," I said soothingly and patted the dog's head, "all done. Hop down."

I didn't need to tell Lola twice. Within moments she was down off the table and sitting next to Holly, her head tucked behind Holly's legs, a clear sign that Lola was mad at me. I rolled my eyes at her doggy dramatics.

"Thanks, Sook. I know Lola is a pain when it comes to having her check ups, but you really are the best vet I've had in ages." Holly leaned down and snapped the leash onto Lola's collar.

I laughed. "No dog likes the vet. I'm used to the scorn."

Holly chuckled. "Well, we'll get out of your hair now. See on Saturday?"

I nodded. Holly's son Cody was a year older than Justin but the boys were good friends from daycare. "Yeah, 2 o'clock."

"Bet Justin is excited," Holly said as I walked out with her.

"Bouncing off the walls excited," I replied with an exaggerated sigh. "He seems convinced that he's getting a puppy or a power wheel Hummer."

"Oh, Cody got one of those for Christmas last year."

"I know," I gave her a evil glare, which made her laugh, "It's why Justin wants one."

Holly laughed. "I'd apologize, but Justin's little dancing car is the new hit at daycare. Cody keeps begging for one."

"Boys and their toys."

"So, you getting him one?" Holly asked as we entered the waiting room.

I just smiled. "Getting one what?"

"Sookie!"

"What, I don't want to ruin the surprise."

"That would be a better excuse if I was your son," she said dryly, then she gave me a smug smile. "So, rumor is that Alcide Herveaux is coming back to Bon Temps."

My heart dropped to my feet at her little announcement and I'm sure I went pale. "Rumor?"

Holly's eyes light up in delight at sharing new gossip. "Oh yeah. I heard it from Kevin Pryor. Supposedly there had been some calls about the Herveaux place and how much it would take to get it habitable again. Alcide Herveaux's name was dropped."

"Oh, how interesting," I muttered under my breath.

Holly got a speculative look in her eyes. "Didn't you two used to have a thing?"

It wasn't like I could deny it since a lot of people would remember that we used to date in high school, so I nodded. "Yeah, in high school. We went our separate ways before graduation."

"How exciting it must be for you then, to have your high school sweetheart come back for a visit."

Was it just for a visit, or was Alcide going to make this move permanent? That was the sixty-four thousand dollar question. "Yeah, interesting. Well, I've got to go take a look at a cat. See you later Holly."

I turned and called back my next patient, a grumpy Persian cat. The rest of my day went by quietly for the most part. Several people couldn't wait to talk about Alcide coming back to town. By the time I closed the clinic for the night my mouth hurt from so much smiling. Everyone wanted to hear about Alcide and how we used to date. Many wondered if I would try and snare him again, or so they asked with a nudge and a wink.

When I finished with my last appointment, I had some time to spare before I had to go pick up Justin. I don't know what possessed me, but I climbed into my vehicle and took a little drive. I blasted the stereo, choosing to listen to my Creedence Clearwater Revival CD rather than the radio. I sang along with Susie-Q, and just drove. Somehow, and I refuse to admit that I did it on purpose, I ended up outside the house Alcide grew up in.

It was a three story farmhouse, much like mine, only in better repair. The Herveauxs had money and even though they moved away seven years ago, they still kept the place in pristine condition, at least on the outside. There had been improvements made, probably to up the property value, and now instead of just a front porch, it had a full wrap around porch.

No one was around so I pulled in and parked. Telling myself I shouldn't, I got up and walked over to the porch. Two rocking chairs sat in one corner and I stared at them as memories came flooding back to me.

Alcide and I spent a lot of time in those rocking chairs during the fall, spring, and summer. During school, when the weather was nice, we'd sit out on the porch and do our homework. I remember sitting across from him studying chemistry while he strummed on his old guitar, learning new songs and writing. I remember the time we dragged the chairs out in the front yard and killed the outside lights so we could rock and stare at the stars, holding hands.

I swallowed the lump in my throat as I trailed a hand over the curved back of one chair. If the rumor mill was true, and I didn't have any reason to doubt it, Alcide would be coming back here. He had been serious about sticking around to get to know Justin. I think a small part of me, over the last few days, truly believed that he wouldn't return. I don't know what I would do if he hadn't returned.

I didn't know what I was going to do with him returning. How would we handle this? Once people started seeing us together, seeing Alcide with Justin, they would realize the truth. We had been too close in school and it would be stupid to think that anyone would not consider Justin's parentage after seeing Alcide with him.

Shit, just thinking about all the possibilities was giving me a headache. With one last lingering look at the house, I returned to my SUV and left. I picked up Justin and went home. Amelia and Tray took one look at me and said that they were going to take Justin out to McDonalds for an early birthday present. Justin was ecstatic and I didn't have the heart to deny him.

After they left, I ran a hot bubble bath and just soaked. I was thinking about how good it had been with Alcide and how perfect we had been together. I couldn't stop myself from remembering all the little moments and all the fun we had as carefree teenagers so lost in that first taste of love. I never should have walked away from him after that one night five years ago. I shouldn't have been so petty and vindictive. It had killed me to leave him but I had wanted so much to make him feel the pain I had felt when he left me for Nashville.

My phone vibrated on the toilet where I left it and I swiped away the tears that had somehow filled my eyes as I reached for it. "Hello?"

"Sookie?"

My heart thudded in my chest when I heard Alcide's voice. "Alcide?"

"I hope I'm not bothering you."

"No, I'm just," I stopped before I could say that I was in the tub. I swallowed, "I'm just relaxing. Ames and Tray took Justin out for an early birthday dinner."

"Oh." He sounded disappointed, as if he had called to talk to Justin. I couldn't fault him but it would be too confusing for Justin.

"Yeah, I needed a few hours to myself," I admitted slowly. I pushed myself up in the tub and flicked the release on the drain with my toe. There was no way I could sit in the tub and have a conversation with Alcide. Just hearing his voice made me throb with need and I had no right to feel this way. I prayed that he wouldn't hear the whoosh of water as the tub drained.

"Right, that was nice of them." His voice sounded strained, and I knew he heard the water and I silently cursed myself.

Wrapping a towel around myself, I padded into my bedroom. "How are things in Nashville?"

Had to make small talk. Had to distract us both. It worked because he said, "Fine, kind of hectic getting some things wrapped up, but it should be done by Friday."

"That's good," I said warmly, "So will we see you on Saturday?"

"Yeah, if all works out I'm flying out Friday afternoon."

"If you fly in early enough, you should come to dinner," I invited before I even thought about it. The silence was almost audible. Why had I done that? Why had I invited him to dinner on Friday night? We always had a small family dinner for Justin's birthday. Since the party promised to be an all day affair, we had planned on doing the dinner on Friday. I had just invited Alcide to something that was family only.

Yes he was Justin's father, but Justin didn't know that. How was it going to look to him if Alcide showed up when it was just people Justin knew as family there? Amelia, Tray, Jason, Crystal, maybe Tara, and myself. I needed to learn to think before I spoke.

When Alcide remained quiet, I said softly, "I mean, you don't have to. It's just going to be a small family thing, for Justin's birthday."

If I was trying to convince Alcide into not coming, those were the wrong choice of words. He finally said, "I'd love to come over. Is it alright if Quinn comes with me? He's flying in with me and staying with me at the old place until he gets bored."

"Yeah, sure, the more the merrier." I didn't really mean that, but I couldn't exactly go and tell him that, no, it wasn't okay and I was taking back his invitation. Not only would it upset him, I was raised better. It's bad manners to invite someone then take the invitation back in the same breath. I couldn't disrespect Gran and all her teachings like that.

"Thank you, Sookie," Alcide said with a burst of warmth. "I really appreciate it. I'd like to see Justin again, in a quieter setting."

"I know. So, I guess that the rumors I heard about you moving back are true then?" I had to change the subject away from Justin. I just couldn't handle it right now, I couldn't.

Alcide sounded surprised by my question. "Uh yeah, actually, they are. I guess I forgot how fast the rumor mill is in small towns."

"Yeah," I said with a smirk, "I heard about it before lunch when I was giving a German Shepard her shots. It's all I heard about in the clinic today."

"Sorry about that."

"No, it's fine," I reassured him, "Everyone just wanted to know if I knew anything about it. I could honestly say I didn't."

"Well, I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to convince my dad to let me stay there so I didn't want to say anything."

"Huh, he still being an ass?" I asked without thinking. If I had been horrible to Alcide about leaving for Nashville, Jackson Herveaux had been a goddamn bastard about it. I found out that he threatened to have Alcide written out of his will at one point. Of course he didn't do that because Alcide was his only son and heir. Just thinking about the dickery that was Jackson Herveaux made me roll my eyes.

"Yes," Alcide said tightly, and I realized I had stepped on his toes. Jackson was his father and Alcide was no longer involved with me so I couldn't say things like that. It was just too easy to fall into old patterns. I'd have to school myself on that.

"Sorry," I said quickly, "I didn't mean anything by it, I was just remembering."

"It's no problem. Listen, I have to go, I have an early interview tomorrow. I'll call you Friday, if I can't make it and stuff."

"Sure thing. I hope you can make it, it will be good for Justin." I meant it, really I did, and yet, at the same time I didn't. It was going to be harder than I thought to share my baby boy, even though Alcide had every right to see and spend time with him.

"See you on Friday," Alcide said, and hung up.

I tossed the phone on the bed and just stood there, wrapped in a towel in the middle of my bedroom, thinking about what I had done. I had just invited Alcide and his friend to my son's family birthday dinner when the birthday boy had no idea the connection he shared with Alcide. I was going to have to explain it to Justin, somehow. He knew enough to know how odd it would be to have someone who wasn't family at a family thing. All I could do is try to come up with a reasonable excuse that wasn't a lie and just wait and see how the pieces landed. Fucking A, I did not know how to do things the easy way.

Author's Notes: Now, for the announcement. As some of you might know, stories are being targeted and removed for various reasons based on the actions of one group. I don't agree with this and since most of my stories containt contents that could be grounds for removal, I'm taking steps to back up my stories. At the moment I am in the process of getting my SVM stories posted on LiveJournal and a WordPress blog. I'll have links to each of those in my profile within the next few days. At the moment, all of IYS is posted on LJ. If one of my stories gets pulled, I'm leaving Ffnet. So just a warning. Thanks for reading and leave a review!