Chapter Ten
Almost as soon as Bella picked up on the other end, Alice was handing the phone to Carlisle. I stood, going to her side.
"What's going on?" I asked Alice quietly, worry in my voice. "What do you mean her future is gone?"
"I can't see Bella's future anymore." She replied tensely, watching as Carlisle spoke on the phone. I frowned.
"What does it mean when someone's future disappears?"
"It usually means they die." I winced at her tone, and sharpness of the words as they instantly made my heart sprint. Now I understood the nervousness in my stomach. I whimpered, and despite how tired I was, I was wide awake.
"Bella's going to die?" I found myself trying to hold back tears of panic.
"No, Leandra." Alice said, hugging me into her side. "I'm sorry. I'm just-I can't believe.." She trailed off, and she didn't continue, which told me she wasn't really so sure.
"Leandra." I looked over at Jasper. "What did you see?"
"What's going on?" Emmett was next to descend the stairs, followed by Rosalie half a step behind, and I let that distract me. I was trying to focus on a million different things at once. My head still felt like it was breaking in half, and I was suddenly not that sure I should let someone know.
Carlisle hung up, and silence followed. A pin would have been heard hitting the carpet. It was the most suffocating silence I'd ever heard around here, and I didn't want to break it.
Without a word, Carlisle paused for just a second before he strode from the room. I got moving. Leaving Alice's side and following him upstairs. I had to nearly run to keep up.
"Carlisle." I whimpered. "You won't let her die, right?"
"I'll do everything possible to keep that from happening." He replied, heading into his office.
I watched from the safety of the doorway as he moved furniture aside, pushing it against the far wall. I made sure to stay out of the way. He was now distracted. Very distracted, and I really didn't want to be in his way.
"What happened to her?" I asked, and he looked to me. "Is she sick?"
"I won't know anything for sure until they get back, so please. Try not to worry." I watched him walk passed me, headed back for the stairs. "I'm going for supplies. I'll be back soon."
I whimpered, standing there, feeling helpless and confused.
My sleep deprived mind imagined so many things that could have possibly gone wrong. Maybe she got bit by some spider, or fell out of a tree. Maybe she caught some contagious disease, and I needed to be worried for my health as well. I was deeply confused, and honestly didn't know where to even start.
I headed back downstairs, looking up to see Alice and Esme talking quietly. Everyone else was quiet, worry in their eyes.
"Leandra." As soon as Jasper saw me, he turned to me. "I need you to try." I paused in my walking, leaning against the armrest of the couch. He had brought everyone's attention to me.
"Try?" I asked hesitantly, despite knowing exactly what he meant. I didn't know why I even wanted to avoid talking about it. I didn't even know anything, but I was nervous. Something I'd just done had caused so much worry.
"You knew something was wrong long before Alice did." He answered. "I need you to try. Tell us what it is."
"I don't know how." I shook my head a little, instantly uncomfortable. I didn't like this pressure.
"How did you know to tell Alice to check again?" He asked, and I sighed.
"I dreamed." I replied. "I woke up when my dream changed, so I didn't see anything."
"Then you need to go back to sleep." He said. "We need to know all we can about this, and Alice can't see anything, so it's up to you."
"I don't even know what happened, so even if I do see anything she doesn't, I won't get it." I was stalling. I wasn't particularly eager to go back to dreaming. Just as I'd hoped, Jasper paused and looked to Esme. I wondered then. It was a subject they were obviously hesitant to tell me about.
"I'd feel better telling her when Carlisle gets back." Esme admitted. "As he was the one to talk to them."
I could tell though how important this was. Given the way Jasper sat back down with a sigh, deep in thought.
"I can still try." I offered, and he looked to me. "If you want. I might not get it, but someone else might."
"No." He sighed. "It's alright. Esme is right. I'd rather know more myself before trying to find answers." I nodded, sitting on the opposite end of the couch. It was quiet for a minute, before I looked over.
"Can I have a hint?"
"From what we understand so far.." Esme answered as I looked to her. "Bella's pregnant." My eyes widened a little, and I looked down. Thinking.
"Wait.." I mumbled. "How? I-I mean.. I know how, but.. Edward said it wasn't possible."
"When would that have come up?" Jasper frowned a little.
"Before the wedding." I mumbled. "I was mostly joking, but he said it couldn't happen. He said they were too different, so how?"
"We were wondering the same thing." Jasper nodded, still in thought. "This is something nobody expected."
"Huh." I mumbled, frowning.
"We won't really know until they get back, and Carlisle has a chance to look at her." Alice murmured from the side. "But this worries me. A lot." I looked down.
"So.." I sighed. "If it's just a baby, then why is everyone worried?"
"Because we don't know if that's all it is." Jasper answered. "It could be something much worse." I shuddered, not liking the image of that. "Exactly. And the fact that you've been worrying over it for so long now tells us all to be wary."
"So if Alice can't see anything, why would I be able to?" I asked quietly.
"You're obviously able to see things further in advance than she can." Jasper replied. "It's a little complicated to explain, but the way her gift works is she needs someone to make a decision, or realize something themselves before she can see it. It's becoming clear to me that you don't. That opens you up to so many things that you can see, but she can't."
I nodded slowly in understanding, so he continued.
"I'm thinking that's why Alice was unable to see anything until tonight. When Bella discovered it. But you were. You knew about this long before it even happened, Leandra."
"Didn't help in this case." I shrugged a little.
"Because you couldn't tell yet what it was." He reasoned. "You're still new at this, so it isn't your fault. We don't blame you."
"Not in the least." Esme added from the side.
"And so far," Jasper mused quietly. "It's only been things that directly affect you that you've been warned of. Aside from this." He was quiet for a second. "Unless somehow, this will directly affect you."
Rosalie's phone rang in her pocket and she frowned a bit, looking at it. Leaving Emmett's side and heading toward the kitchen to answer it.
"How would her being pregnant affect me, though?" I asked, standing. "It's got nothing to do with me."
"I don't know." Jasper admitted. "It's just a thought." I sighed, choosing to sit with Esme instead. I really didn't feel like being alone. I wasn't exactly tired, as much as I was exhausted. All of the sudden worry had stolen my energy.
I took a breath, leaning forward to hold my head again.
"Are you okay, shorty?" Emmett asked first. I shook my head a little.
"My head hurts again. Worse now." I felt stupid for complaining. "And I'm scared."
"Well, this changes things." Alice murmured, and her tone worried me even more. I followed her gaze, looking toward Rosalie in the kitchen.
"What changes things?" I asked nervously. "And what things?"
"We'll discuss this when they get here." Esme spoke before anyone could answer. "We'll prepare the best we can here. I don't want any fighting."
"Maybe you should try to sleep some more, shorty." Emmett suggested. "That might help your head." I only then realized how quickly the subject had jumped away from me. That had never happened before.
"I can't sleep." I sighed, shaking my head a little. No doubt about it, I was awake. At least for right then.
"When did this particular headache start?" Jasper asked tensely.
"I've had headaches since I got that concussion." I replied. "Couple days."
"This one, Leandra." He clarified, and I looked up in thought. I actually had to think to remember that answer.
"Same time I woke up." I replied. "I think right when I remembered what that dream was about. Err.. Or who."
"Think that could be part of it?" Emmett asked, looking at Alice. Rosalie drifted forward, no longer on the phone, but nobody acknowledged it.
"Maybe." Alice sighed, sounding plenty stressed herself. "Most of this is all new."
I stopped listening then. It didn't really matter to me right then, and the pain was a little hard to think through. It wasn't getting any worse, but it wasn't getting any better, either.
That was what was holding me together, though. Their tension was more than enough to make me tense, and knowing what I knew about Alice's gift, I saw the reason why.
If it wasn't for the pain in my head, I'd have been way more worried and restless than I was, but it was the weirdest feeling. That image of Bella wasn't the entire cause of all this worry. It was hard to tell, but I could definitely tell.
There was more, but I'd missed it.
Carlisle returned, but one look at his expression, I decided to stay out of the way as he and Emmett brought things inside.
Esme waited with me all night. I was glad she stayed with me, because this was the scariest night I'd had in a long time. Taking Tylenol for the pain worked for the most part. It took it awhile to help, but it did eventually.
It'd been awhile since I snoozed on the couch, but I snoozed through most of the next day. I was worn out, but not enough to go to my room. Nobody tried to get me to leave, either. I appreciated that.
I never slept deep enough to dream, which I was grateful for, and I knew they were disappointed at. My thoughts did wander, though. The same scenarios running through my head in a constant loop, but I knew none of them matched the feeling I had. It really wasn't a good feeling.
I also knew that Jasper watched my emotions closer that day than he ever had yet. He never moved further than a few feet from me, which was very unlike him, but I knew he had his reasons.
Emotions could tell so much about someone, which I was very quickly beginning to understand. Just as much as a look in their eyes or on their face. It could have many different layers in one emotion. Slightly more scared, or slightly more angry.
He was only doing the same thing I was doing. Speculating about what could happen as a result of this issue with Bella that would make me feel this specific way. He would have far more of an understanding about possible scenarios than I would, so I didn't say a word in protest. I just focused on the unease I felt, and compared it to whatever I could think of. Nothing I thought of quite fit.
When Edward and Bella finally got home that late afternoon, I forced myself to sit up and looked Edward's way. We all did, really. Watching as he tensely steered a very annoyed looking Bella straight toward the stairs.
Carlisle followed them close behind, and he trailed a determined looking Rosalie. None of them stopped to talk, though Esme, Alice and Jasper were all on their feet, and Emmett looked their way beside me where I watched.
I didn't see anything wrong with her. She was slightly pale, but nothing bad. To me, she looked perfectly normal, and very unlike what I remembered of that picture. I wanted to follow them all up the stairs, but Esme stopped me from getting up. Shaking her head a little. I settled back down with a sighing yawn.
"She looks okay." I muttered, confused.
"Hopefully it stays that way." Jasper replied.
There wasn't much else to do but sit and wait for Carlisle to look her over. Unfortunately for me, I wouldn't know anything until someone decided to tell me, because all I heard was silence. I knew everyone around me was listening to the conversations upstairs, while I could only listen to the tick of the clock on the kitchen wall. It was kind of annoying suddenly.
It was silent in the room around me the entire hour they were upstairs, and I'd just decided to try to snooze again, laying my head on the armrest, when Emmett spoke up.
"That's not good." He grumbled, standing.
"What?" I asked, suddenly awake again. "What is it?" He was obviously referring to something he was hearing from upstairs, but again, I couldn't hear a thing. I didn't want to ask again, but nobody answered me. They didn't even acknowledge I'd spoken this time. It was like I wasn't even there. It bothered me.
This was new to me. There had been very few times when there was tension in the family and I hadn't been the cause of it, and I certainly hadn't been in on those problems before I had to be.
This time, I already knew what everyone had to be upset about. Now I was one of the ones tense along with them, and as relieving as it was to not be in trouble this time, I didn't like it.
Finally, after several more tense minutes, I heard them speaking as they came down.
"Really, Edward." Rose sighed. "It's not your choice. It's hers, and if you're going to be mad at me for defending that, then you go right ahead."
I looked their way, watching as Edward came down first. Obviously unhappy. I bit my lip, sitting stiffly and looking up at him, watching as he said not a word to anyone as he stepped outside. He didn't move any farther than the porch, though, leaning against the railing. Rose had trailed him downstairs, followed by Bella, and finally Carlisle.
"You've decided, then?" Alice asked Bella, and the fact that she had to ask had me look to Bella as well. That wasn't good news.
Without regret, but seeming as if she felt bad, Bella nodded. That was her answer. It was clear to me that though she hated causing tension, she wouldn't change her mind. Though I still didn't see a thing wrong with her, the fact that her future was still gone at least told me that this was one decision she should change.
My attention was taken by Carlisle heading toward the garage. I jumped up and followed.
"Can I go?" I asked, following him. Having to jog to make it to him. I had a lot of questions for him.
"No, Leandra." He sighed, shaking his head. "Stay here. I'll be back soon."
"But-"
"Stay here." He repeated, and his tone told me not to argue again, so I stopped. He was telling me to stay here. That probably meant wandering was out of the question.
"Okay." I muttered in reply. He hesitated long enough to give me a brief, reassuring hug before he left, closing the door behind himself.
Not sure what else to do, I headed back into the living room. I still didn't want to be alone, so I sat in the one free chair, watching the room.
"I know what this seems like." Bella was saying. "But it'll be okay. I know it." I still didn't know a thing about what was going on, and I was so lost, but I didn't ask. I figured I would know when the time was right.
I looked beside me as the door suddenly opened, and Edward met my eyes.
"Leandra." He gestured I come outside with him. I didn't waste a second, standing and following him out onto the porch. I sensed an explanation coming, and I wanted so bad to know. The curiosity was killing me. He closed the door behind me, and I looked up at him. I followed him back to the railing, leaning against it as he had done before.
"Don't hold it against Carlisle." Edward spoke quietly. "It gives him peace of mind knowing his family is in one place during uncertain times. It's nothing you did, and I'm sure it's not permanent." I nodded. It actually helped learning that little fact.
He was quiet again for a moment, and I used that time to think about how I should brush my hair. I hadn't yet today, and the slow breeze blew it into my face, making that fact crystal clear. Maybe I would just tie it up. I wasn't planning on going anywhere today, so why should I bother?
"Have I ever told you how calming your thoughts are?" Edward suddenly asked, and I laughed a little.
"That's a first." I murmured and he looked to me. "I think too much."
"You have a lot on your mind, it's true." He allowed. "But the one thought you choose to focus on is what I hear, and today, the plainer the better."
"Glad I could help someone." I replied, looking out over the yard. Despite how I tried, I couldn't help thinking about how I hadn't known enough to help before. Maybe it was more of the fact that nobody had expected anything like this to go wrong. Alice couldn't see what I could see. With that thought, a whole flood of more thoughts came after it.
Without meaning to, I filled Edward in on all that happened in the two weeks he'd been gone. He didn't interrupt, just listening calmly, as if he couldn't really hear me.
"About that." He finally stopped me as I focused on the confusion my gift brought. I briefly worried he'd be upset with me. "It's not your fault."
"I should have said something that night." I shook my head a little, reaching up to clear my hair from my face. "I should have. Like Jasper said."
"That wouldn't have changed this." He gestured back to the house. "I would have just kept watch for everything else. Leandra, none of us even thought this was possible."
"So I've heard." I replied, nodding a little. Briefly, before I could stop it, I wondered what had everyone so worried. How she looked fine to me.
"You're curious." He murmured, looking away. "It's bound to happen." He was quiet for a moment, probably gathering his thoughts. I chose to make it easier on him by focusing only on the breeze that blew passed me. The smell of the trees that surrounded the house, and the sound of the river nearby. The quiet sound of the branches swaying in the breeze, and the subtle suspicion of rain soon.
"You're good at that." Edward pointed out. "Thank you." I smiled a little, nodding. "Leandra, the reason why everyone is so worried, is not only because Alice can't see her future anymore." I looked over at him. "It's because two weeks isn't near enough time for a normal pregnancy to become as apparent as it is." I frowned in confusion. "She missed her period this month, but she's already showing."
"That doesn't happen?" I had absolutely no idea how pregnancies were supposed to go. I knew how they happened, and I knew babies were gross. That was the extent of my knowledge.
"No." He answered. "Normally, there are no visible signs until at very least the third or fourth month." Oh shit. My eyes widened a little. Even I was smart enough to understand that that was really fast. Too fast to be normal.
He was quiet for a second, before he sighed. "Yeah." He paused for several seconds. "Carlisle guesses she's about three months along."
"In two weeks?" I asked quietly, surprised. He was quiet, waiting for it. Then it hit me. "Wait." I frowned. "Carlisle guesses?"
It made sense that Carlisle having to guess was another bad sign.
"None of the tests he tries will work." He answered. "We can't see it, as whatever it is won't show on an ultrasound." I looked up at him, noticing his expression. "So there is no way to know what it even is."
"That's a problem." I mumbled, and he nodded.
"A big one." He replied. "We don't know what we're working with, and that is a very big problem."
"And she's still gonna go through with it." I frowned, realizing now. "Even not knowing what it is she's doing?"
"She knows exactly what she's doing." He was so torn even just saying that. "I've never seen her more sure of anything, and that's saying something." He paused for a sigh. "She's chosen to keep it. Whatever it is, and she's decided to get Rosalie on her side, even though she knows we'd never force her."
"What is she thinking?" I mumbled, surprised.
"I wish I knew."
"Rosalie's mean." I muttered, still surprised. "Why would she ask her for help?"
"I heard that." Rosalie's voice wafted from an open window, only echoing over to me, but by then Edward was smirking.
"But it's true." I added, but I stopped there, looking up at him. I didn't know how to help.
"It's not your fault either." I told him, and he looked to me. "You didn't know this would happen any more than I did." His smirk faded humorlessly, and I could tell instantly that he didn't believe me.
"About a week ago," He said, changing the subject. "Bella and I talked." I waited, watching as he looked to me again. "About what it was like for her finding you in Port Angeles that night."
I instantly looked down, hating being reminded. I shivered involuntarily, reminded of how cold I always was. The memory of the street, rainy and cold, forced its way forward.
I shifted my weight uncomfortably, sighing a little.
"Leandra, I'm sorry." He told me, and I shrugged, looking at my hands clasped together on the railing. "I mean it. I not only hurt Bella by leaving, but I see what it did to you."
"I don't wanna talk about this." I finally mumbled. "That.. Was a really hard time for me."
"I see that." He commented, and I knew he was referring to the memories I couldn't keep back. Those were the longest few months of my life. Suffering so very much by being left alone.
"I can't stop them." I admitted, glancing apologetically up at him. "Once I'm reminded, there goes the day." This was actually something I hadn't thought about in awhile. Not with everything else going on. Now it was front and center.
"There's so much I've missed." He added. "But there's also a lot I've been informed of. That really bothers me, that I've missed a lot, because it's my fault you were put through so much since you've been here."
"What?" I asked, confused. "How?"
"Leandra, you asked me awhile back what I thought would have happened had you not hit Rachel that day." I was listening. "And I told you you'd probably still be right where you were. I still believe that, but I also believe you would have been better off." My eyes flew to him, and at first, I couldn't believe I'd heard him correctly.
"You're kidding, right?" I asked, shocked he'd even say that.
"Think about it." He turned, looking at me now. "Had you not hit Rachel, you would have gone home. True, back to hell, but knowing you, you would have found a way out on your own soon. You would have gone to a normal, human family and probably adjusted well there."
What use did I have with a normal human family? None whatsoever.
"I don't regret being here." I told him flatly, trying to hold my temper. "I wouldn't have found a way out. I would still be there." I paused, knowing he was listening close to more than just my words. "You might not get what it's like never to know what love is, but I know what it's like. I owe them my life. I've never regretted knowing them. Not once, and I never will. So don't you tell me-"
"Wow." He seemed entertained. "When they mentioned you had a temper, that wasn't an understatement."
"I know it's not." I replied. "And I'm sorry." I sighed. "I didn't mean to get mad. It's just-"
"I understand." He said. "I should have explained further what I meant. Here, you've known so much stress. Not only in the beginning, with Jack and what happened at the trial, but later. When I made the extremely foolish decision to leave. What happened while we were gone. I don't blame Carlisle for coming back when he did. For leading you to Bella that night." I looked away, focusing on the trees while I listened. This part of the conversation still hurt me.
"I not only hurt you with that decision, I hurt them." He continued. "Your mother? I know none of that would have happened had you stayed where you were."
"You're right." I said. "None of that would have happened, but she'd probably have died from drinking too much. If I had stayed there, nothing would have saved her, but you know what?" He waited. "By coming here, at least I got a chance to get to know what she was like when she wasn't drinking." He seemed surprised.
"I never thought of it that way."
"I have." I murmured. "I never would have gotten that chance if I would have stayed where I was, and I'm grateful for that chance."
"Okay, so I'll give you that one."
I looked over at him, watching his smirk fade.
"Just don't beat yourself up too much, okay?" I mumbled. "I know that usually doesn't help me, and I still do anyway, but just not too much. It isn't your fault."
I gave him a small smile and turned, heading back inside. I was starting to get cold, so I knew he understood. I wasn't in the best of moods after that reminder of my past. So much I'd refused to think about recently. Probably because I knew it'd just overwhelm me, which I really wanted to avoid.
Now that I knew what was going on with Bella, I wasn't sure how I felt about it. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad. Maybe there really wasn't much of a reason to worry. So it grew fast. So what? Carlisle wouldn't let anything happen to her, and I was sure that if it became too hazardous to her health, she'd see reason. She had to. She was smart.
As badly as I wanted to wander, just to clear my head, my headache was returning, so instead, I wandered into my room. I laid across my bed with a heavy sigh, and closed my eyes. Now that I'd found footing, and I knew everything was okay for the next five minutes, I could rest a little more effectively.
If it helped Carlisle to know I was here with everyone else, I could do that. In a way, I felt better being here. Wandering was nice, but I'd been enough of a pain in the ass lately.
In every sense of the word, I was so worn out. For once, a few bad dreams was worth any amount of time spent unconscious. Reaching for that unconsciousness, I fell asleep quickly.
I didn't remember dreaming when I woke up, so if I did, it didn't bug me. It was dark outside now, so I'd been asleep a few hours.
"I'm so tired of this freaking headache." I mumbled on my way out of my room. It'd been nearly constant for days, and never quite went away.
"It worries me that you still have it." Carlisle murmured as I joined everyone in the living room. Bella looked as if she hadn't even moved from the couch, and she looked just a bit sleepy, but was otherwise fine.
I was a little surprised I had to step around Rosalie to get to the other end of the couch, but I remembered she'd probably stick close to Bella. I sighed, and sat beside Bella, being careful not to sit on the blanket that covered her.
"It's not that bad." I replied with another sigh. "It just bugs."
"Except for the one yesterday, shorty." Emmett pointed out.
"Shut up." I countered. "I'm more tired of the stupid scans. I'm fine."
"I would still rather know." Carlisle said. "I thought we discussed this, Leandra."
"I know." I sighed, looking down. "I didn't want to bug you with it last night, because you were already thinking about so much. Bella's more important right now."
"There isn't much we can do right now." Carlisle replied. "And I always want to know about things like this. No matter what's going on. You and your health matter to me."
"All of us." Esme added gently.
"And I'm fine." Bella spoke up, and I looked over at her. "I'm not asking for any special treatment or anything."
"You're family." I assured her easily, sitting cross-legged. "I can share." She smiled a little.
"Before you leave again, I want to be sure you're healthy enough to do so." Carlisle took my attention again.
"More stupid scans?" I whined a little.
"Not unless it's needed." He replied. "I'm asking you not to lie to me."
"I won't." I relented. It was quiet for a minute, and I knew what Bella was avoiding looking at. My black-eye and bruises weren't exactly expected, and probably didn't look that welcoming.
"It's okay." I laughed a little. "Barely hurts."
"So.. What happened?" Bella asked quietly.
"School." I answered.
"Shorty doesn't get along well with others." Emmett explained further, and I realized there must have been a lot about me that she still didn't really know. She knew parts of my story, but she'd never spent much time around me.
"So you got into a fight?" She asked, and I shrugged.
"More like I lost one." I replied miserably. I wasn't that good at admitting my faults.
"And concussions aren't something to play around with, Leandra." Jasper reminded me, bringing us back to the original conversation. I kept my eyes down, shrugging a little. I knew that.
"But I've been careful." I said. "The heaviest thing I've lifted is my stupid pillow. I don't run, I don't even climb. I've stayed away from the stairs, and I haven't gotten mad lately."
"I understand that." Carlisle nodded. "You've done well avoiding strenuous activities, but sometimes, that's not enough. I just want to be cautious. The physical pain is the only way your body knows how to tell you-"
"Something is wrong." I finished for him. "I know." I did understand, but I really didn't want to get into this again.
He still seemed stressed, but he wasn't scolding me about it anymore.
"All we ask is to let us know when it gets bad." Esme murmured, and I appreciated the gentler tone, even as I yawned. I was still tired, despite the really long nap I'd just taken.
"Maybe I just need to sleep more." I frowned a little.
"It's possible." Carlisle replied. "You haven't been getting the best sleep lately."
When I did fall asleep again, only a few hours later, it didn't go very well. I thought sleeping, even through nightmares, would help it, but I was wrong.
I couldn't have been asleep for very long, before I was so suddenly in sobbing tears, even before I was upright. The sharp, intense pain in my head felt unbearable. Enough to wake me up out of a deep sleep. Very rudely, and very painfully.
It twisted my stomach, and I clutched my head in both my hands, leaning forward just as the door opened.
"It's bad." I forced myself to speak through choking breath. "It's bad."
I sobbed the rest of my breath out, but I held it. I couldn't even breathe. Taking a breath made it worse, so I held it as long as I could. Making every breath a deep gasp, but hating every one I took as the side of the bed dipped in front of me.
I knew my pouring tears weren't helping things, but I couldn't stop them.
I had no resistance in me, despite my entire body locked in pain, as I felt my hands lowered and my chin carefully raised. My eyes stayed shut, despite the tears that poured, as I just couldn't handle opening them yet.
"Look at me, Leandra." Carlisle instructed me firmly.
"I can't." I gasped. "The light hurts." I wished so bad I could stop crying, but my tears were forced forward by the pressure in my head.
Half a second later, the light disappeared from behind my eyelids, and I took that as a hint. I squinted my tearing eyes open just enough to look up. Looking up, however, brought out the dizziness. As soon as I met Carlisle's concerned gaze, though, my tears restarted, and my eyes closed again.
"Leandra." He insisted, so I tried again.
I held his gaze the best I could now, and his concern only faded to confusion. I lowered my head back down into my hands. I just needed something to ease this pain, and this seemed to be the only way.
"Is she okay?" I hadn't realized I'd been bad enough to bother Bella, but she actually seemed worried.
This pain was nauseating, and dizzying. Just trying to look over made my head spin in a way that made it impossible to keep my eyes open.
"Did it hurt this bad yesterday?" Carlisle asked, and I shook my head in my hands. There was no way I'd have been able to ignore this kind of pain.
Just like I knew it would, that prompted a trip to the hospital. When another extensive exam proved that there was nothing physically wrong with me, I was just as puzzled as Carlisle was. Of course, I had a feeling I knew the real reason, but I didn't want to be the one to say it.
I returned to my room to rest as soon as I was taken home, but I wasn't even tempted to sleep this time. I closed every curtain securely, blackening the room. There was still a speck of light at the top toward the ceiling, but I could allow that.
I crawled back up onto my bed, choosing to just sit out of the way for awhile. The TV was on out there, and it was far too bright with all the windows. I wanted dark and quiet.
As badly as I feared the dark, it was my only comfort today. Even the nightlight was too bright for my comfort, so my room was almost pitch dark. I felt cold, and shivered in my ball.
Nobody told me this stupid ability would cause me that kind of pain. I was used to my mind causing me indescribable emotional pain, but now that it was physical, I felt beaten.
Most importantly, I had to wonder if these headaches were going to be a regular thing now. If that was the case, I really didn't want this gift anymore. I didn't want anything to do with it anymore. I would be fine with it if it didn't cause me pain.
I whimpered, holding my head in my hands again. "Ow."
Moments later, a quiet knock at my door had me look over slowly. It was only Alice, poking her head in the door through the smallest opening possible.
"Is this gonna happen a lot?" I asked, my voice trembling lightly.
"I heard." She sighed, walking in. Thankfully she closed the door behind herself, trapping any light out once again. "Since it's nothing physical, we have to assume it has everything to do with your gift."
I knew that.
"Okay, but how do I stop it?" I asked. "I don't like this."
"Have you tried sleeping again?" She asked quietly.
"Alice, if I lay down, I'm going to puke." I replied sharply. "Breathing hurts. I can't go to sleep. I've never felt anything like this before. Even with Jack, it was different."
"Sleeping might be your only option. Maybe there are things getting stuck."
"Every time I sleep, I only wake up with worse pain." I frowned. "How does sleep even help me?"
"I wish I knew what to suggest." She sighed sadly, and I felt the bed dip beside me as she sat. "Here. Let me see your hand." I reached my hand out toward her, and she gently took it in hers.
With her pointer finger and her thumb, she placed firm pressure to a spot between my pointer finger and thumb. I was quiet for a few seconds. I was confused, as I couldn't tell what she was doing.
It didn't take long to figure it out, though. My headache began to ease to a manageable level. I blinked in surprise, looking over at her in the dark. I couldn't see her, but in a weird way, I could.
"Does this help?" As if she needed to ask. "This is a pressure point. Everyone has them."
"How the heck does squeezing this spot help my headache?" I wondered.
"It's fascinating, isn't it?" She laughed a little. "Okay, so while you're feeling a little better, I want you to focus on your mind. See what's changed."
"How am I supposed to know?"
"I don't mean physically, Leandra." She replied. "I mean what do you suddenly know now that you didn't know before. Like the other night with Bella."
I fell quiet, looking down in thought.
"I don't know." I finally sighed. "Everything's the same."
"That's because you're thinking with your conscious mind." She argued. "I'll bet there's more in there than that."
"If there is, I don't know where to find it."
"In time." She assured me. "No matter what, Leandra, we'll take care of you. Just because Bella is here now doesn't mean you've gone anywhere." I took a breath while I could, and I nodded. I didn't even have to say anything, but they knew I might have been feeling a little pushed aside for whatever reason.
"And this.." She raised my hand a little. "It might not work every time, but when it gets bad like that, try it. It can't hurt." I nodded again. "Avoid hot baths, or getting too upset. Keep your blood pressure down. That'll help."
"Thank you." I mumbled, glancing over at her.
"Any time." She assured me. "I'm glad I can help someone."
"What do you mean?"
"I'm feeling pretty useless these days." She admitted. "Bella refuses to listen to reason, and I can't tell her exactly how it turns out."
"Well.." I sighed. "I've never been pregnant, but I don't think it would be very easy to just turn around and forget about it, but I still don't get what the big deal is. Will it make her sick?"
"We don't know." Alice admitted quietly. "She's been nauseous since she got here, but that's about the only typical symptom she has. We just don't know how bad it'll get yet."
"Not knowing is pretty scary." I agreed, and she nodded. "Is that why you want me to try to sleep? To see if I can see anything about it?"
"I don't want to put that kind of pressure on you." She sighed. "Nobody does, but.. You were the one to bring my attention to her."
I hesitated a moment, considering ways to explain my next thought.
"I was dreaming that night." I mumbled. "About the regular things I dream about, and I was about to wake up, when something.. I dunno, changed. It didn't even last a second, but I woke up knowing something was wrong with Bella. It was like a really long and really loud movie played in not even a second. I didn't get anything from it, except that someone needed to check on Bella."
"And that's when your headache started?" She asked, clearly interested, and I nodded.
"Right at the same time, I think." I sighed. "That's why I'm worried I might not ever get rid of this stupid headache."
"Just like I thought before." She said. "I really think whatever else was in that dream, or vision, might still be in there somewhere. You've just got to find it."
"How?"
"Your subconscious hides things it believes you can't handle." She explained. "Remember? It holds onto everything."
"And makes it instinct." I recalled.
"Sleeping is the best way to access the things stored there." She went on. "It might not happen overnight, but the more you work on that part of your mind, the better chance you have of tapping into this ability."
"But I don't know how to do that."
"That's the hard part." She sighed. "Most humans aren't able to control their subconscious, but I think you can. You have such a strong connection to it and the instincts stored there, I think it's possible. I just don't know where to start teaching you how to."
I was quiet now. When I closed my eyes, and it relieved me to do so, I knew that sleeping would be possible. I had to consider it, though. If I could see anything regarding Bella, and I could somehow help them help her, I could begin to gain some kind of real worth. I could take the first step to repaying them for everything they did for me.
I had to admit, though. I was scared. What kind of things would I see if whatever that 'vision' had been was still there? I remembered the dream I had about my mom. Seeing her misery had hurt so much, but Bella meant a lot to me, because she meant a lot to the family. I liked her. I didn't want to see whatever might be wrong, but the temptation to be helpful in any kind of way eventually won.
"I can try." I mumbled quietly, looking over at her. "Just.. Leave the room dark. I don't want this stupid headache to come back."
"Are you sure, Leandra?" She asked, but I didn't miss the slight hint of hope in her voice. In answer, I scooted forward and laid down with a heavy sigh, and as if on cue, I yawned.
"It's worth a try." I said anyway.
She stood up and turned to face me. "I just want you to be prepared, in case what you find isn't good." That made me a little nervous, but I'd already considered that.
"I know."
She nodded a little, and I rolled over, curling up on my side. I couldn't help finding the irony. I hated sleeping, because of the things that I saw in my dreams. Now, I was purposefully going to sleep to find those dreams.
I didn't hear Alice leave the room, but I knew she had. Giving me the privacy I needed to fall asleep.
I snoozed for quite awhile before I actually did fall asleep, but once I had fallen asleep, it felt like no time at all before I was opening my eyes again. Panic washed through me instantly at the fact that the room was pitch dark around me. I couldn't see anything, and my automatic reaction was to panic.
It took me a second to remember why the room was dark, but by then, Jasper had helped me start calming down. I sighed heavily, hiding my face in my pillow in an attempt to calm down further. I hated the darkness so much. It hurt me and scared me in every single possible way.
I continued to lay there, searching my mind for any hint for what I fell asleep looking for. I didn't recall a single thing. Not even a dream about Jack. Or what happened during the last few days. Nothing.
"Nothing." I mumbled out loud. "But my headache is gone."
I was starving, though. So I knew I had to venture out into the daylight.
To my surprise, there was no daylight. It was already nighttime, so I'd been asleep for awhile. That also explained why it was so dark in my room. My head was still sore, but it wasn't painful. I wasn't worried about that particular headache coming back. I just felt more tired than usual.
"Hey." Bella greeted me as I arrived in the living room. Was she sleeping out here?
"No." Edward replied to that question. "Her sleeping pattern is a little off." Glancing to the clock, it was just passed 8:30. "Apparently, so is yours."
"Mine's always off." I muttered. I yawned as I sat on the couch with Bella. "Hey."
"Did you sleep well?" She just wanted conversation.
"Too good." I replied, almost disappointed. "How 'bout you?"
"I had a nap." She smiled a little. I nodded, falling quiet as I looked down.
I looked over at Carlisle after a moment of thought. "Can I go for a walk tomorrow?"
"I don't think that would be a good idea." He replied, and I whined.
"Please?" I asked. "I won't go as far as Andrew's house. I'll stay closer."
"I'm sorry." He shook his head. "I want to be one-hundred percent sure you're okay before you're allowed out on your own."
I sighed, looking back down. I knew he was right.
"You're allowed to just wander?" Bella asked, and I smiled a little, despite my disappointment.
"Yeah." I replied. "Long story. It helps me clear my head."
"My mom would have flipped." She laughed a little, adjusting her blanket over her legs.
"Nah." I shook my head. "I never go far. Plus it's safe for me now."
I glanced around, and could instantly tell why she wanted to talk to me. Nobody else said anything. Probably unhappy about her decision, and dwelling on it. Watching her as if at any second she'd fall over dead. Even Edward was watching from the chair across the coffee table. That really had to get annoying and depressing.
I remembered what it was like to be watched like that when I wasn't sleeping, so I did my best to act as normal as I could. I wouldn't ask her about it, I wouldn't even bring it up. She needed someone to treat her normally.
"It sucks after awhile sitting around all the time." I continued, slouching a little on the couch.
"Let's get shorty a hamster wheel." Emmett suggested from where he stood.
"Or build me a tree house." I joked, looking back at him.
"You want a tree house?" He asked, perking up. "I could do that. I'll build you the best damn tree house."
"Sure." I laughed a little. "I won't say no to a tree house." I hesitated, looking to Carlisle. "If it's okay."
"I don't see why not. As long as it's kept close." He agreed to that, and I smiled. I was suddenly cheered up. I might not have been able to go anywhere, but a tree house would certainly help keep me occupied for awhile.
"Jasper." Emmett called excitedly. "We're building a tree house. Let's go."
"Right now?" Jasper asked, suddenly beside the couch. He glanced at me.
"Right now." Emmett confirmed. "We can use those benches from the wedding."
"Save one." Alice requested, arriving to sit to my other side.
"That was so random." To my surprise, Bella was laughing.
"What kind of big brother would I be if I didn't build my sister a tree house as soon as she commands it?" Emmett asked, mildly shocked as he steered Jasper toward the door. "If unicorns existed, I'd bring her one of those too."
"I'm not commanding it." I defended myself. "You brought it up, and I don't want a unicorn. My luck, it'd kick me in the face."
He only grinned in response, leaving the house into the darkness outside. I had a feeling he was only trying to be productive, but hell. A tree house would be really cool.
"Leandra, honey, are you hungry?" Esme came walking in, and I immediately nodded. "Dinner is ready."
I jumped up.
"Bella?" Esme prompted, but I was already at the counter and the plate sitting in my usual spot. I was picking up my fork before I'd even fully sat down. I glanced back to see Bella standing up as well.
I definitely felt better after eating, but Bella didn't seem to be that hungry.
I was cuddled back in bed surprisingly not long later, and I found the longer I fought sleeping, the more tired I got. Forcing my eyes to stay open in the dark, the more often I had to close them. Until eventually, I didn't open them again.
My dreams took a different turn tonight. One I hadn't really been on before. I revisited parts of the day I first met Alice and Edward. The day I first met Carlisle, and Esme. Everyone. In a sense, that day had been almost as traumatizing as the rest of my life had been, but in a much different way.
Hiding behind that exam table as everything I knew was crumbled up around me. The day absolutely everything changed.
Yeah, it had certainly been for the best, but at the time, I had no way of knowing that. All I'd wanted back then was to go home. To go back to familiar, and continue being invisible. Everything happened extremely quickly, and I had no way of being prepared for it.
I remembered how scared I was that entire time. Even after learning that I was lucky enough to get to go home with them. I hadn't known it, but I was the luckiest kid in the world the second Carlisle thought to look closer.
Not knowing it, though, made for some intense fear for really the first few months. It was safer to be afraid than it was to let my guard down.
But remembering that intense fear messed with my head now. Maybe that's what kept me from moving forward. I didn't blame anyone for everything changing, and I knew I was much better off now, but the floor had dropped out from under me that day. That was the day I was dumped in this figurative ocean and I'd been drowning ever since.
I had no idea why I woke up crying the way I was, as the only memories fresh in my mind were my own. It was probably the fear, but there was also a lot of understanding that went into those memories now.
"Oh, honey.." Esme murmured sadly, seated beside me. She didn't know that I was okay, but just struggling to shake off the hopelessness and the helplessness those memories brought forward. It also didn't help that I also still had the memory of Jack's angry voice shouting in the back of my mind.
Esme comforted me the best she could, but I couldn't tell her what my dream had been about, and I couldn't tell her what thoughts and memories had resulted from that dream. Not without making her somehow feel bad.
"I'm sorry." I finally cried, pulling back. "I didn't see anything."
"It's okay, honey." She told me. "It's alright."
"I don't want to go back to sleep." I shook my head a little, my voice trembling. "Can I try later?" I didn't want to see that again.
"Of course, sweetie." She told me. "Come on." She helped me out of bed, taking my hand. I stuck close to her side, holding tight to her hand. I was feeling insecure, more than I had at any point recently, and I really didn't want to be alone. I needed company, and I was overwhelmingly thankful she didn't insist I try to go back to sleep.
"Must have been a bad one." Emmett murmured, and I could only nod and cry a little more. Esme sat with me on the now vacant couch, holding me against her side.
To my further embarrassment, I looked to Edward standing a few feet away with Carlisle. Talking quietly, but his glance to me told me he knew. He'd seen and heard everything my mind put me through tonight.
"Jasper is still gone." Emmett murmured. "He'll be back soon, though. They weren't going far."
"No." I mumbled. "I won't ask him for help. He's done plenty for me, and I'm tired of being someone else's problem."
It was true. Asking Jasper for help would only embarrass me further right then, and that was something I really couldn't handle. I just wanted company. I wasn't asking for anything, but having someone around me. That's all I really wanted.
"Shorty, he doesn't mind." Emmett told me, frowning a little. I shook my head, wiping tears from my cheeks.
"I'll be fine." I replied. "I don't need help."
"Do you at least want to talk about it?" Esme asked as she softly cleared my hair from my flushed face, and at first, I really didn't. I didn't know how to tell her no, though, because of the pure concern I saw in her eyes.
"I'll be okay." I finally mumbled, shaking my head a little again. A blush on my cheeks I wish would go away burned my skin gently, and I couldn't make myself look up. I hated the thought that I was adding worry to everyone's concern, making me feel just horrible.
"You know you can talk to us about anything, shorty." Emmett reminded me, and I closed my eyes briefly.
"I know." I said. "I just don't want to right now."
I doubted it would ever come up again, unless I woke up again. I still hadn't the slightest clue as to why I'd suddenly think about that time, because nothing had been brought up about it. Then again, not many of my dreams waited for them to be mentioned. They chose when to come forward.
"I think I might have another bad day soon." I admitted quietly, watching my hands.
So much of my life back then, before I was found, was such a blur, so much of it mixing into much of the other years of my life, but there were crystal clear memories in there somewhere. I'd only found one tonight, but there were plenty more. They would come up. They would make themselves known, and I would be left like this. Sniffling on the couch, unable to say a word about them because of the shame they all made me feel.
Edward glanced to me again, and I cursed silently.
Please, I thought. Not a word.
The second I met his eyes across the room, I knew he wouldn't give anything away. Now was really not the time to go on a trip down memory lane, but I knew I wouldn't be able to stop it, and he'd just be along for the ride.
I knew Edward would be in for a very disturbing time while he was here. Me, unable to keep my thoughts from wandering and headed quickly for a bad night, and him, unable to keep himself from hearing every bit of it.
A/N: Holy crackers, batman. I apologize if it got a little confusing there in spots. It was just a bit hard trying to find the right words. It's been so SO so busy for me lately, but I hope that didn't come through here.
Busy next few days coming up too, so eleven might take awhile. I'm actually debating on leaving a major part of the chapter in there or not. I hate doing that, but I'm really debating. We'll have to see whether or not Leandra lets me get rid of it. She's very persuasive lol
As with every chapter, I LOVE my reviews. THANK YOU guys for taking the time. Reviews make my whole day better. Always.
Until next chapter, guys. Stay sane, and I'll do my best to do the same. Time to settle down with some chocolate, and forget about life while I can.