Author's note: Woohoo for accents over Éomer's name! That was easier than I thought it'd be. :D My apologies for the time it took to get this up. I've got several stories in the works and I am a slave to my rapidly changing obsessions.

Also, I still own nothing.

The Riders of Rohan and the Fate of Merry and Pippin

(Aragorn heroically crests a hill, staring off into the distance, his hair whipping about his face in the wind. Legolas appears on the ridge beside him, followed by the stout form of Gimli.)

Aragorn: How far ahead are they?

Legolas: About a day's ride.

Gimli: Or two day's run.

Legolas: (mutters) For you maybe….

Aragorn: (ignores the elf and unsheathes his sword, holding it out ahead of him and declaring in his best "rugged hero" voice:) Then onward! To victory!

(Aragorn takes one heroic step forward and plunges straight down the steep, rock-covered hill. Their companion's [rather girly] screams fade slowly as he progresses further and further down the ridiculously lofty cliff. Gimli winces as the shrieks finally end with a thump. Legolas only rolls his eyes and bounds easily down the hill, stepping over the lump of ranger at the bottom and moving on toward the line of Uruks in the distance.)

Legolas: Come on, then. Just a day's run if we hurry.

Aragorn: (face down in the ground, voice muffled) Arwen… is that you?

Legolas: (sighs and moves on without him.)

(A few minutes later, Gimli arrives)

Gimli: (looking around) Where'd that blasted elf get to now?

Aragorn: (mumbles something too obscured by dirt to make out)

Gimli: (grumbles as he drags a half-conscious Aragorn in the general direction of "orc", plotting revenge on a certain elf as he goes.)

Meanwhile….

(We rejoin the orcs and Uruks at their camp by Fangorn Forest. A large fire is now burning cheerily in the center of their camp and the two hobbits are seated comfortably on their cloaks, warming themselves.)

Pippin: Merry, I think this is your best idea yet.

Merry: (smiles proudly) It's not bad, is it? (looks up as an orc approaches, holding out his knife nervously. Merry nods at the rapidly growing pile of weapons beside him) Just toss it there. And don't get too close! Pip doesn't like orcs with weapons.

(The orc hesitates… then tosses the knife on the pile and returns to his group around a smaller fire)

Merry: (turns back to Pip with a concerned look) I'm afraid we may have to do something to keep up your image, Pip… they seem to be getting suspicious.

Pippin: Not a problem. You said to be like a Sackville-Baggins, right?

Merry: In one of their worst moods, yes.

Pippin: Well I've got something better. (He grins and winks at Merry) Mum always said my tantrums would make a Sackville-Baggins want to leave the Shire.

Merry: (looks skeptical) Well, I'd hurry up about it if I were you… Ugly over there doesn't look too happy with us right now.

Pippin: (Pippin scoots closer to Merry as Ugluk gets up and advances on the seated pair) I just need you to do one thing…

Merry: What's that?

Pippin: (points to a spot on his side) Poke me there. Hard.

Merry: (with a mischievous grin) Ready?

Pippin: Wait for it…

Ugluk: Alright… I've had just about enough of you two-

Pippin: (whispers) Now!

(On Pippin's cue, Merry pokes him in that special little place on his side. Instantly, Pippin lets out a shriek that tears through the air causing more than one orc to jump and several pass out in terror. Ugluk nearly falls into the fire, clapping his hands over his misshapen ears and shouting over the din at Merry)

Ugluk: What in the name of Sauron's oie is THAT?

Merry: (used to Pip's screaming after years of tantrums while growing up together, Merry just shrugs) I dunno. Guess you upset him.

Pippin: (Still screaming. Some of the orcs are beginning to back away)

Ugluk: Well 'ow do you stop it!

Merry: (subtly pokes Pip again)

Pippin: (suddenly perfectly calm) Oh, all you have to do is get me some food. I'm starved. (rubs his tummy ruefully)

Ugluk: (stares)

Merry: Go on then. Better hurry or he'll start up again.

Ugluk: (scrambles to get away, shouting orders to the others to find food or become it themselves, totally unaware of the snickering hobbits behind him as they share a quick high-five….)

Legolas: (looks up at the sky) A red sun rises. Blood has been spilled this night.

Gimli: (trudges up the hill, dragging an unconscious Aragorn who appears to be covered in bumps, bruises and blood) Really? I never would've guessed.

Legolas: (glances down at the messy heap of ranger and winces) Eew… he got all that from one little rock?

Gimli: (drops Aragorn and sits down for a breather, glaring up at the disgusted elf) One little rock at the edge of a huge, steep, stone-covered hill, yes.

Legolas: (a little guiltily) Oh… So… that was all the screaming?

Gimli: Yes. That was all the screaming. Thank you so much for running ahead and loosening the rocks for us!

Legolas: (affronted) I did no such thing!

Gimli: That's just what an elf would say!

Legolas: And what do you mean by that?

(The elf and dwarf continue arguing while Aragorn wakes up dazedly. He glances up at the bickering pair then looks across at the plains ahead of them and the distinct lack of Uruk anywhere in sight.)

Aragorn: Uh… guys? How far behind are we?

Legolas: (still glaring at Gimli) Go ask that group of angry horsemen and leave me out of it!

Aragorn: Who? (turns around and comes face to snout with a snuffling horse… several as a matter of fact.) Oh… them.

Éomer: Care to explain what a man, an Elf and a Dwarf are doing here? (When Aragorn tries to get up but fails and Legolas and Gimli continue their silent, furious, staring contest) Come on! Hurry it up! We've got better things to be doing than watching you three clowns!

Gimli: (turns his glare on Éomer) Give me your name, "Mighty Tamer of Donkeys" and I'll give you mine.

Éomer: (dismounts and advances, ignoring Aragorn who has managed to stand and brush himself off well enough to once again resemble a human being.) You wanna keep that head, Dwarf?

(Suddenly, there's an arrow pointed right at Éomer's head)

Legolas: Watch it, pal… nobody kills the Dwarf but me.

(Seconds later, Legolas disappears under the hooves of another rider's mount. The rider catches the Elf's bow out of the air and hands it calmly to Éomer before moving back into his place in the circle of riders.)

Legolas: (twitches)

Aragorn: (turns to Éomer) Um… I'm Aragorn, son of Arathorn. This is Gimli, son of Gloin and… that… was Legolas.

Legolas: (twitches)

Aragorn: We're friends of Theoden if that helps any….

Éomer: (snickers) Ohh, yeah. That'll help loads! Only problem is, Theoden thinks "friend" means "muffin" so as long as you guys taste good with orange juice, I'm sure he'll be thrilled to see you!

Aragorn: Right… well, we're looking for some lost Hobbit buddies of ours. You seen any curly-haired little kids being hauled away by some dirty, ugly, orc things?

Éomer: Ugly orc things yes, kids no.

Aragorn: You saw them? Which way? How far? How fast were they going?

Éomer: Whoa, slow down there, pal. (jerks thumb over shoulder) They're that way, about ten miles and not moving an inch.

Gimli: Why's that?

Éomer: Because we killed all of them and burnt their stinking bodies. That's why.

(Gimli and Aragorn stare in horror as Legolas gets to his feet and looks about dazedly.)

Éomer: (getting back on his horse and tossing Legolas's bow to Aragorn) Well… sorry about the hoobits or whatever you guys lost. Feel free to look through the stinking pile of burnt orc for anything of value but I wouldn't get my hopes up if I were you… those orcs seemed a little… off. I doubt they had anything worth much. Hasufel and Arod will show you where we left them.

(Gimli and Aragorn stare mutely as the riders depart, leaving two horses behind. Legolas turns to Aragorn, examining his and Gimli's matching expressions of shock and horror with a slight frown creasing his brow)

Legolas:…. I missed something… didn't I?

Aragorn: …

Gimli:…

Legolas: Something pretty big… right?

Aragorn: Yeah… pretty big…

Gimli: (snaps out of his stupor) Well, I say we go find this stinking pile of orcs and kill 'em again for good measure.

Legolas: I think Aragorn's in shock….

Aragorn: I… they… but…

Gimli: He sounds fine to me.

Legolas: (sighs and takes Aragorn by the arm, helping him onto one of the horses and leading him in the direction of the burnt orcs) Come on, let's put those Ranger senses to good use.

(The Three Hunters arrive at a large pile of orc and Uruk bodies, still smoking and spreading a horrible stench. They dismount…)

Gimli: DIE! (rushes pile of unmoving bodies and hacks at 'em with his axe)

Legolas: (rolls his eyes and paces a little ways away, being sure to stand upwind) They're already dead, dwarf.

Aragorn: I don't think he really cares. (sifting through the pile with his knife)

Legolas: What are you doing?

Aragorn: Lookin' for the hobbits, what else?

Legolas: In there? That's all your amazing "ranger's senses" can come up with? Search the pile of dead bodies for our cute little buddies?

Gimli: (still hacking away)

Aragorn: You know what? Fine! You want to do the tracking, you do it! (Aragorn punctuates his words with a kick, sending an orc helmet flying. He then freezes, staring straight ahead)

Legolas: (standing with arms crossed and an "I'm humoring you right now" look on his face) You hurt yourself, didn't you?

Aragorn: (whimpers)

Gimli: (still hacking and shouting)

Legolas: Done throwing your fit?

Aragorn: (nods)

Legolas: Ready to start tracking the right way?

Aragorn: (nods again and limps over to a patch of dry grass) Um… they were sitting here….

FLASHBACK

Merry: More mushroom, Pip?

Pippin: Don't mind if I do.

END FLASHBACK

Legolas: Whoa… that was weird.

Aragorn: What?

Legolas: (looks around in confusion) N-Nothing… I guess.

Gimli: (marches over, winded) What are we doing?

Aragorn: Tracking, now shush. The orcs were here… (walks a little ways away, stepping with the orc footprints)… doing this. (Aragorn begins a little dance number that looks suspiciously like an awkward can-can)

Legolas: …. They were dancing?

Aragorn: Hey, I'm just doing what the tracks tell me. (twirls like a ballerina, frolics a few steps, scans the ground and does a backflip)

Gimli: They must've gone mad…

Legolas: Are you sure this is what they were doing?

Aragorn: Positive! (now doing a tap-dance)

Legolas: Okay, okay, we get it! Just get on to what the hobbits were doing!

Aragorn: (gladly stops, mid-Macarena and returns to where the others are standing) Well… there was a pile of weapons there… and a pile of food there… and a fire here…

Gimli: Sounds pretty nice to me.

Aragorn: … and a horde of horsemen charging through right here.

FLASHBACK

(Merry and Pippin sit by the fire, cheering and applauding as the orcs and uruks finish another dance)

Merry: Now do the chicken dance!

Ugluk: No way! We've 'ad enough!

Pippin: I like dances. (glares at the orcs who shift nervously)

Ugluk: Oi don't really care! We're not doin' another thing! In fact… Oi'm thinkin' eatin' you wasn't such a bad- (is suddenly trampled under many MANY horses hooves)

Pippin: Time to go? (Staring at where Ugluk was standing mere seconds before)

Merry: Yeah… time to go.

(they flee)

END FLASHBACK

Legolas: Holy Valar! What the heck is that?

Gimli: What?

Legolas: That… that flashy, time changy, thingy!

Aragorn: (looks at Legolas like he's insane and goes back to his tracking) Let's see… they ran over here… and they were followed by… (Aragorn leans down to sniff the footprint he's examining)… an orc.

Legolas: (gives Aragorn a look of disgust) Then…?

Aragorn: (follows the footsteps a few feet away) Then they beat him up… took his stuff… and ran into that great big forest there. (points at the great big forest)

(there is a pause as all three look up at the looming trees)

Gimli: So… where in all of that were they killed and burnt in that pile over there? (jerks his axe toward the stinky pile of orcs)

Aragorn: Guess they weren't.

Gimli: Oh... so now what?

Aragorn: Now we go after them.

Gimli: Through there?

Aragorn: Yeah.

Gimli: The forest?

Aragorn: Yeah…

Gimli: With him? (Gimli nods to Legolas who has drifted dreamily closer to the trees and is now hugging a large trunk)

Aragorn: Hey, we didn't leave you behind when you started kissing that rock.

Gimli: It wasn't a rock! It was a diamond!

Aragorn: …. I'm pretty sure it was a rock.

Gimli: (glares) Well it had the potential to be a diamond.

Aragorn: No it didn't. Come on, let's get moving. There's no telling what those two hobbits could be eating in there.

(The man and dwarf head into the forest, dragging the tree-happy elf with them….)