OMG I'm so sorry for taking so long, re-sits hit me like a train and I was buried once more under a pile of papers. But it's all over now and I have super glued myself to my keyboard!!! Lol! I hope you like this chapter, it presented me with so many problems my head hurts!!! I tried to make this one a little lighter in bits, because it can't be dark all the time lol! I hope you enjoy it….and thank you so much to the guys who are reviewing….it makes me all smiley!!!!
(P.s. To Mixy…happy now lol!! Impatient little punisher you are!!! Lol (((hugs)))
Oh and here's an overview of what's happened in the last few chapters, I've left it so long it's probably fled from most peoples memories.
-In the last chapter, House came to see Cuddy for the first time after their kiss. They both pretended like it had never happened. Also she told him of her decision to keep the baby (which is her attackers). The chapter ended with House asking for a lift home and in his own weird way accepting her decision.-
Reviews: -
J Lesley: - Thank you so much!!! I'm flattered you read all the chapters in one go :D and really happy I managed to get both House and Cuddy in character because it is so hard in a story like this.
goddessa39: - Sadly it's a rape baby, they haven't had sex yet, you'll know when they do lol!!
Shikabane-Mai: - Lol I know that feeling!! And thank you….I'm enjoying the exploring because house and cuddy are the two characters in the show I find most fascinating…and I'm all smiley because people are reading it…so thank you!!
HouseAddiction: - I've decided to inject a bit of cuteness….I trying to lighten it a little bit….not too heavy!! And I'm happy your happy lol….sorry it's taken so long to update, exams and studies always get in the way!! But I'm trying to get better at updating!!
addicted2coffee: Sorry for staying away…it wasn't as long…but it still feels like ages…..curses exams!!! I hope this one is as good as the last :)…I'll try and update sooner!!!
foxaddict226: - Lol I don't follow my own advice either….doesn't stop me from telling other people to update :D. Woohooo I got cha hooked lol! Exams reared there ugly heads again….re-sits…but there over now….so I'm updating all my fics like a mad thing lol!
starstacey: oooo I hope yours went well…mine didn't….not so much….hence the re-sits! But all is well now!! So I'm writing my little fingers off!! My brain feels like mush!! Lol.
Axelchick: Thank you :D I try and get as much emotion into it as possible, but with House being one of the main characters that's so hard, trying to get him to be emotional and house is bordering on impossible :s. I hope this one was worth the wait too!!
Scuddyrific: - Thank you…I go all blushes when people say things like that!! Exams have dragged me away again….but I fought back and have returned to my keyboard!! As for smut…in this fic…well you'll have to wait and see…but don't you worry there will be some…and when it happens….it happens lol :P.
Mispent Youth: - :D omg so many compliments in one sentence faints lol!! Thank you :).
house's phoenix: - Lol have to have some happiness somewhere!! And yep she kept the baby, it's just something I could see cuddy doing. The guilt would kill her if she didn't. Dam I can't get rid of you….-shakes leg- nope looks like your stuck lol!! Yay :D
razor-of-occam: - Awww one of you favs :D! yep RL is a complete plain!! Always gets in the way…but I've forced it aside for today!!
Abbeyannmd: Yeah I wanted to see what Cuddy would be like if her strength was taken her away, hence why I wrote this fic in the first place, just to explore it! Uh oh…sorry about the waiting :S I've been dragged down by uni….evil evil lol! But I hope this brightens up your day again :).
Huddy Fan: - Thank you:D :D :D
gabiroba: I wanted House to give her support, because I think he'd try and do that, not saying he'd be any good at it….but he would try lol! And I had to have her keep the baby….because that's just what I think Cuddy would do. I hope you like this chappie!!
………………………………………
Ending of last chap:-
'I didn't drive in; Wilson's abandoned me so I need a lift. Is the baby bearing boss willing to give me one?'
She smiled, his hand squeezing hers with enough pressure to let her know he was there for her. Every thing was ok. Relief flooded through her, overwhelming, chasing away her ability to speak. She nodded and slipped into her car, trying to hide the grin as he slid in beside her. she faced the window as a big smile broke over her face, hiding it from him, unaware he could see her reflection in the mirror, and was feeling the same sense of happiness deep down inside.
Shattered Dreams
They arrived at his home. Her feet following his footsteps without any thought. She didn't want to be alone, the worries, so intent on creeping in, constantly reminding her of what she was doing, questioning whether it was the right choice. She'd already made up her mind about the baby; she didn't want to keep remaking it after every shower of doubt.
She clacked up the path beside him, his lips not uttering a word about the fact she was there. Letting her lead the way through the door into his home, hoping she would miss the small smile that flickered onto his face from having her brush so close beside him. Her presence seemed to fill his home, happiness coating the walls that had seemed so cold since she'd left.
Once inside she stood for a moment, watching him, waiting for him to say something as he wandered by, but for once he remained silent. She let her jacket fall from her shoulders, flinging it neatly over the back of his settee, slipping her feet from her shoes.
Her hands curled round the back of her neck, fingers kneading her skin trying to undo the knot of tension that had been building all day. Her body constantly curled over the never ending mountain of paperwork that adorned her desk every morning. She was exhasuted, legs giving out from under her as she slumped down onto the leather sofa, her legs unconciously sliding beneath her.
…………………………………….
He hobbled into the kitchen, dragging two glasses over, filling them both with whisky, before pausing and pouring the second back into the bottle. No alcohol for her. Instead he hunted around, trying to find something else and coming up short. There weren't many non alcoholic choices in this house. So she was left with water, she'd made her choice so she was going to have to be satisfied with what she got from now on.
He left his cane leaning against the wall, staggering in a slightly unstable manner to her side. Once the water glass was in her hand he sat down beside her, legs lifting up and landing on the coffee table. His head turned to the side, watching her, admiring her, pupils' dark seeming in a daze as her neck twisted in an attempt to ease the exhaustion. She was obviously tired, relentlessly fighting against it.
He didn't see her fall, only felt the weight of her upon him. His eyes had been shut, head back, the waves of music crashing over him as he swirled the whiskey in his glass. Only when her head hit his lap did his eyes snap open, head rearing up, assessing the situation, quickly noting the slight predicament he was now in.
Her head was neatly nestled in his lap. Her lips we agape, a pout of plump stark streaks of red against her pale skin, they seemed to shimmer in the low light, enticing him towards them, so teasing. It was hard to forget how they felt on his, how they moulded together so smoothly and felt so warm. His finger lazily dragged over her cheek, before bravely caressing her bottom lip. Her soft breath tickled his finger tip, his eyes flickering to her chest, which rose and fell with each drawing of air.
Her vulnerability made him feel weak; it seemed to strip him of his resolve, making fighting her so much harder.
The last time he'd given in, she'd fled from him, too much too soon, leaving him lost in his thoughts, pondering, living in the darkest place it was possible for him to be. The boundaries had come back, resurrected with full force, each bolt hammered in until he was safely cocooned back inside his steel shell, walling away any emotion. But here, the layers seemed to shed like ice fighting with fire, his useless attempts only serving to remind him he was human, and there was no way he could escape his heart. He'd accidentally let her melt his exterior away before, only to have himself burned. He couldn't, wouldn't let it happen again.
He retracted his hand from her, settling it over her hair, the random locks running through his fingers, subconscious and yet, calming.
His other hand grabbed the remote, flicking on the TV, desperate for a distraction, something to tear his eyes away from her, so he could imagine she wasn't there. Allow his heart some relief, for a few brief moments forget she ever existed, any emotion he felt for her bound by the confines of his work, stretching no further beyond him and his boss.
He hadn't been happy then, but he'd been in control, able to live everyday knowing what would happen in the next; the patient the only unknown entity in the puzzle. Now he had nothing, his control, his thoughts, his feelings, slipping through his fingers.
He loved having her here, but he couldn't live with it. He couldn't be himself around her, but she wouldn't want him any other way. For once in his life, he didn't know what to do. A war was going on silently within him and she slept on, unknowing of the turmoil she caused in the one man whom to her, until now, had always seemed so empty. She was the key to his undoing, the only woman with the secret word to his heart.
His trance descended over him, eyes staring at the TV screen, unfocused, registering nothing, but the fact he'd lost his heart to her and there was nothing he could do, to ever get it back.
His hand dragged over his face, stubble grazing over his fingers, burning the calloused skin. He sighed, hand once again falling, fingers rhythmically running through her silken strands. His teeth bit down into his lip as he finally admitted to himself everything that had been building up over the passed few days. However amongst all the confusion he knew one thing for certain, right now he was in his own version of hell and there was nothing he could do about it.
…………………………………
She hadn't meant to end up in his lap, sitting there, allowing the bluesy music he put on to wash over her, lulling her into some sort of dream, allowing all the exhaustion of her days work to ebb through her, the stress easing out of her muscles. She hadn't noticed her eyes closing, or felt her body slide to the side hitting the solid warmth beside her but she awoke; eyes dazed gazing up in a haze at the bright white expanse above her. His left leg had been beneath her head, his fingers running through her hair, so gentle his touch was barely noticeable. She allowed her eyes to caress his face, feeling a little thrill in watching him when he was unaware. His eyes seemed flicker in the light of the TV, his gaze unmoving as though focused on something only he could see.
The mist of slumber was slow to lift, but when she felt his legs shift beneath her, seeing a stab of pain shoot over his face, she bolted up.
'Oh House I'm so sorry!'
The shock on his face, registered the fact he'd been unaware that she was awake, the hand that had most likely been in her hair, had halted in mid air, frozen in surprise before it quickly came to rest in his lap.
He frowned, 'what for?'
Her response was a little breathless, the quick jump from sleep to action had been a little too much for her overworked body to handle, but she managed to get the words out, 'for lying on your leg…it can't have been comfortable,' her eyes whirled round the room for a moment, before falling on the clock, the time was just after 10, 'why didn't you wake me?'
He replied with a shrug; and a few short sharp words, 'You obviously needed the rest, and I don't want a cranky boss on my hands.' He always kept the relationship formal when he felt the questions crossed boundaries he didn't want to break. The last time they'd been stepped over had nearly caused there friendship to come crashing down around them, he wouldn't make the same mistake again.
Didn't mean he didn't soften the edges though. His hand grabbed a pillow, placing it on his leg, hands indicating for her to lie down once more. She hesitated, eyeing him carefully, reluctant to lie down, still uncertain about their new found closeness. She loved being near him, the level of comfort she got from being here, but that was what she was afraid of, feeling something, having something she'd forgotten, and then having to let it go again when his interest died down, when she returned back to being his boss, left with nothing but newly aching heart.
She went to refuse, tell him she'd better head home when he rolled his eyes, 'I'm not going to bite,'
A small smile curled her lips as her resolved fled; body unwilling to leave the warm haven in which she felt safe. She sighed, lowering herself slowly; body crying out for the sweet relief angered by the fact sleep was stolen from it too soon. Stilling she hovered just above him, not yet resting or relaxed.
'You can't lie like that forever; lie down,' with that his hand fastened on her shoulders pushing her the final few inches. She shivered as his fingers tickled her throat, his hand retreating. Her reaction for once went unnoticed, signalling to her that she was just as uncomfortable and unsure as she was.
Time passed by, a mixture of silence and jokes, just talking the hours away. Her head was now lying comfortably in his lap, dark haired splayed out over the denim of his jeans as she stared up at the ceiling. Her long legs were stretched out beside his, warmth flowing from one to the other, his voice ringing out over her.
'So whens the next appointment?'
Her eyes tried to look into his but he refused to meet her gaze, 'what appointment?'
She watched him swallow his whiskey, the motion of the muscles in his throat contracting as the golden liquid succumbed to gravity. 'The one where we get to check out this little bundle of joy, Miss saten's seedling itself.'
She grinned, 'we?'
His face registered no expression, remaining blank for a moment, before he turned down to face her. 'You didn't think i'd let you go alone did you?...and miss out on all the fun, I love pissing people off in pedes.'
She rolled her eyes, 'no annoying anyone while i'm there, don't say anything, if i had my way i'd staple your mouth shut.'
His eyebrows rose, 'well his lucky you don't have you way the isn't it, besides i won't be rude while you're watching.'
she nodded.
'just while your backs turned...it would be stupid to do it in front of the boss.'
'HOUSE!'
Her hand flew up hitting him on the arm, his face a picture of innocence.
'Anyone would think you weren't taking this seriously.'
He looked down into her eyes, his baby blues twinkling, 'what? what did i do?'
She sighed; head falling back again, eyes tight shut. Amusement ebbing through her at his obvious larking around, accompanied by comfort from the fact she wasn;t going to be facing this alone. She'd be grateful to have him there even if he scared half the pediactric department away. She just wanted someone to hold her hand, even if that someone was House. At least she could rely on him making the whole experience a little bit more light hearted, shattering through the seriousness of it all. Seeing that tiny thing within her for the first time. She had no idea how her heart was going to react, joy or pain, both as unpredictable as the other. Her mind was made up, but her emotions were still all over the place.
The low sound from the TV drowned out her thoughts, relaxing her, his humour putting her at ease, eyes still closed, listening to the sound of his breathing, a smile lingering on her lips from his jokes. She'd missed this so much. She didn't focus on the memories of what had brought her here in the first place, the pain she'd endured that had been the trigger of change in their relationship over the past few months.
All she could remember was the laughter, the remnants of joyful memories reeling before her, how he'd made her smile using his personality and words in a more positive way. If only he could always be like that; although if she was honest, she wouldn't want him to be. She liked this side of House, but she loved the fact it was only her who got to witness it. A level of intimacy between them that she didn't have to share; didn't have to envy and witness others receive from afar. Her smile grew, breathing deepening as the darkness seaped into her mind, trying to swallow her once more.
It was disturbed by a sharp jab in her side.
She groaned, growling from the back of her throat as she was jolted by the man in whose lap she lay.
Her eyes cracked open again, lids half closed, glaring at him,
'Bastard.' It held no venom, knowing she couldn't lie there forever, but she still resented being broken from her happy thoughts that were accompanying her into her dreams.
He snorted, hands slipping beneath her head, lifting her from him as he removed himself from being her pillow. He paused for a moment, contemplating something. Before she was even ready his hands snapped out from under her, leaving her with nothing but thin air as support. Her head snapped back, awkwardly smacking back down against the sofa.
'Ahhhh,' she cried out, stung from the shock, a bullet through the tiredness wracking her frame.
She heard him giggle over her, feeling a slight stab of anger rearing its head, it only ever remained absent for so long. She went to snap at him, voice bubbling behind her lips but never breaking free, silenced as she was suddenly plunged into darkness. Her hand flew up, pulling the blanket over her head, eyes searching him out, finding him standing just behind the couch.
The glare hadn't left her face, eyes now gleaming with annoyance but his expression halted her. His lips were pursed as though fighting something. Her head tilted to the side, eyebrows contracted together, as curiosity danced through her. 'What?'
He shook his head, the corner of his lips tilting up, indicating he was trying not to laugh. She felt the remnant of her previous emotion welling up again, she hated people knowing something that she didn't and this situation was no different. She sighed; frustrated with him already, 'House what's so funny?' her head shook with exasperation, desperately needing to know.
Her movement triggered her attention to the window, head turning slightly to catch a glimpse of her reflection. Her face dropped, shock, before a giggle burst from her lips. The blanket had ruined her hair, all messed up, a birds nest round her head, it looked ridiculous and mixed with her previous pouting she must have looked a sight. His light laugh brought her attention back to him.
'You're an ass!'
With that she threw a pillow at him, hitting him square in the chest, a smile breaking back out over her face as she ducked back down behind the sofa avoiding his return toss.
Her head popped up again, eyeing his retreating back. The rough tones of his voice floating over his shoulder, 'You're staying here for the night, too late to go home, that should keep you warm.'
…………………………………
He hated lying alone in his empty bed, staring at the shadows on the ceiling. He would have allowed her to lie alongside him but having her so near would be unbarable. He was a glutton for punishment, seeking out trouble, inflicting pain on himself, but this was too much for him to handle. His heart was so unsteady, he couldn't trust himself, knowing the desire to have her would be too strong and neither of them needed anymore complications right now.
He didn't know how many hours had passed. Unable to shut his mind off, evading sleep, dreams broken and fragmented, constantly tossing and turning. Time seemed to be crawling. Hours would fly by in his mind, and yet the clock had only moved a few minutes. The world was taunting him, leaving him lying awake with his thoughts. Unable to escape from the torture his emotions were inflicting upon him.
He needed a distraction, something just to break the constant ache of words stampeding through his head. So he'd got up, barely sparing a glance at the clock beside his bed as he slinked into the lounge. His attempts at remaining quiet were useless, the bang of his cane seeming so loud when he was working so hard not to disturb her. He just wanted a glass of water, but making it there without waking her seemed like a marathon in itself.
He managed to get halfway across the floor, before he paused. His eyes fell upon her, hair flowing wildly around on the pillow, the moonlight flitting in through the curtains illuminating her face.
She seemed so peaceful.
His eyes wandered over her, coming to rest on her hand. It was held protectively over the lower half of her tummy. As though subconsciously needing to protect the thing within her, keep some sort of guard up over that little life.
He didn't disagree with her decision, although he'd never tell her. If it had been anyone else his advice would have been to terminate, not wishing to inflict having your worst memories staring back at you each and everyday on anyone.
But Cuddy wanted this; she was so desperate for a child it seemed like some sort of silver lining. A small gift for the pain and suffering she went through and he wouldn't be the one to wish her last little thread of happiness and hope away.
Even if it ruined his, took his last chance of having her from him. Once the baby was born she wouldn't need him anymore more. He forced the sadness to the back of his mind, not focusing on the fact that the one secret thing he hoped for would most likely never happen.
With one last look, he crossed the final few meters into the kitchen. The cool water sprayed over his skin as he plunged the glass beneath it. He took a small sip, before turning to return to his room. His bare feet tried to carefully tiptoe back but as he approached his door his cane caused one of the boards to creak, the sound loud and echoing in the room. He froze for a few moments, allowing the noise to die down. Sensing no movement he turned to enter his room, but her voice calling out made him stop.
'House?' it was fairly calm but accompanied with an almost unnoticeable level of uncertainty.
'hmm,' a confirming growl from the back of his throat, head turning to look at her, staring at the place she'd be if he could see through the back of the sofa. Silently grateful he couldn't see her eyes.
She said nothing else, and after allowing a few minutes to pass, so he went to go into his room once more, but his movement triggered her voice.
'Thank you,'
He didn't need to know what she was thank you for; she could be for so many things and knowing Cuddy she was. Everything seemed to run so deep within her that these few simple words expressed a mountain of meanings.
Giving a reply in the form of a sharp nod he knew she could sense but couldn't see, he finally turned the corner, closing his bedroom door behind him.
……………………..
She'd heard him move, her eyes closed but her mind not fully in sleeps grasp.
She'd felt his eyes on her, watching her for a moment, desperately wanting to know what was going on in his head. Something was going on, something beneath the surface, hidden by his hard exterior.
She knew he was nearly as confused as she was, everything that had happened unsettling the comfortable balance between them.
She felt guilty, she'd dragged him out of his comfort zone, forced him to reassess everything around him, and change her position in his life. She knew she was no longer his boss, and he was no longer just Dr House to her.
When she'd heard him hobble back, she knew she had to say something, ease the bubble building within; let him know she was grateful even though she was sure he wouldn't care.
House didn't think much of platitudes, but they mattered to her and that was what counted.
She knew he nodded when she uttered those words, not expecting a response even before they'd left her lips.
Once he'd left, she settled back down closing her eyes once more, unaware that he was also lying awake only a few inches away.
………………….
They watched the minutes tick by, both laying there lost in their thoughts each one wishing for sleep and knowing no matter how hard they tried, it would never come.
Sorry guys! i know this one is a little bit of a filler! but i felt it needed a happy note before all the action came, calm before the storm to a certain extent! please be patient with me, it all gonna start in the next chappie speedy speedy!! you won't have to wait long!! and please review...cos they make me smiley!!!