A/N: I kind of got carried away with this dream of the future of Maura's, but I love it okay. Hope you enjoy.
Chapter 10
Maura is baking cookies and for the first time in her life she's sneaking little tastes of raw cookie dough. Jane is right—you have strange, uncontrollable urges when you are pregnant. Like the cookie dough. Maura is plopping scoops of it on the pan where it should be, but can't help dipping her finger in the bowl and scraping the side every so often. Totally unsanitary and unhealthy. But it just tastes so good.
She smiles as her three year old daughter bolts towards her, holding up a drawing. "Mommy, look! Look at the picture I made!"
"I see, Ellie! It's beautiful, sweetheart!"
She grabs a magnet and proudly puts it on the refrigerator. Her daughter is a budding artist after all. Jane teases her for it, saying soon there won't be enough space. But Maura knows that secretly she likes it—she wouldn't have it any other way.
"Mommy, are these for my birfday party?"
"Your birthday. Yes, sweetheart. And how old are you going to be? I can't seem to remember."
Maura pretends to think as she dips her finger yet again into the bowl.
"Four!...Hey, Mommy! You're not s'posed to eat cookie dough! You said!"
Ellie's little face looks confused and quite honestly somewhat betrayed.
Crap. How to explain this one. Maura bent down to Ellie's level, putting one hand on her shoulder and taking the conversation just as seriously as her daughter.
"You're right, baby. Mommy's being bad. You're not supposed to eat cookie dough."
"It can make you sick!" Ellie exclaims.
"That's right."
"Mommy, I hope you didn't get yourself sick," Ellie says, putting a tiny hand to Maura's forehead and Maura swears she lets out a little tsk, shaking her head of dark curls.
Maura tries hard not to laugh. "I'll be okay, Lee," she says, scooping her daughter up and planting a kiss to her forehead.
Maura can't help but think how long it will be until she won't be able to hold her daughter comfortably anymore. For the thousandth time, she wonders how Ellie is going to take the news that she will be having a sibling. Ellie presses her face into the crook of Maura's arm for a second or two and then she's already scrambling to get down, back to the kitchen table to draw more. She's not a child who likes to be held anyway.
Already running around and getting herself into any trouble she can find, she reminds Maura of Jane. She thinks back to when Jane got pregnant with Ellie. This brings back some good as well as bad memories. They had planned for Maura to get pregnant. They had wanted to do IVF using Jane's eggs. In this way, they would both feel like they had an important part in making the child. Maura had always been the one between the two of them who wanted to be pregnant. And it made the most sense considering their jobs. But they got two negative pregnancies and one where Maura was nine weeks in when she miscarried. That was a rough time. There were three weeks after the miscarriage when Maura was just a shell, and Jane did everything right, but there was nothing that could bring Maura out of her state. It was such a loss and she just felt like an immense failure. Maybe she wasn't meant to be a mother—all her worst fears were coming true. And then Jane had come to her and told her she would do it—get pregnant. She wanted to have a child with Maura, and she knew how much Maura wanted this. It was a huge sacrifice for the job that Maura didn't want her to have to make, but Jane was very persistent. It was the only thing that dragged Maura out of her depression—this goal to get Jane pregnant. They decided to try donor insemination. IVF would've been useful if they were doing what they originally planned: one of them pregnant, using the other's eggs. But Maura was at the time overly concerned that her body just wasn't made for getting pregnant, that her eggs could be a problem. Donor insemination made the most sense. Plus, Maura wanted to have a child who was like Jane. She dreamed about it. Ellie was the result, and no child she had dreamt up even came close to how wonderful her daughter is.
They have recently decided they want another child, a sibling for Ellie. It has been long enough and they have more hope and less pain they are carrying. Maura decided she wanted to try IVF one more time. Jane was behind Maura 100 percent, but was always prepared to catch her if she fell again. She had gotten pregnant, but they had quietly celebrated, the previous miscarriage haunting them. They decided not to tell anyone until they were through the first trimester. They have just reached that mark if Maura is right with her calculations. But she is almost afraid to mention it to Jane, afraid to say it aloud, for fear that their luck will break.
Suddenly, Jane is barging through the door, a bouquet of flowers in one hand and a box of pastries in the other.
Oh, my god, those cannolis Maura had been craving for weeks. Jane saunters up to her grinning, hands her the flowers and then plops the pastries on the counter. She reaches out and places a gentle hand on Maura's belly.
"Maur," she whispers in awe.
Maura stares at Jane's hand. She might cry. Now, she knows why Jane kept checking up on her at the office today—sending her texts and calling more than usual. She wanted to be absolutely positive that it would all be okay, that this baby was still here on this last day of the first trimester. That they would be able to celebrate.
She lifts up her head to look at Jane, ready to tell her how wonderful she is, how much she loves her, but Jane sees the tears that haven't fallen yet. For a second, Jane's face registers panic, but Maura shakes her head, giving her a smile.
"Okay," she barely gets out, trying not to let her voice break. Ellie is very perceptive. She always knows when her parents are upset, and she gets very distraught.
Jane quickly wipes away one of the tears that has escaped and kisses her. Hard. Like this is the last time. The first and last time.
She feels tugging on her skirt and looks down. Ellie is staring up at her, a little nervous, having sensed too many emotions filling up the room.
"Mommy? Mama?" she asks, perplexed, her little eyebrows raised in question.
Jane scoops her up and gives her a kiss on the cheek that makes a popping noise. "Baby girl, we have to talk to you about something."
Ellie's grin from her mother's greeting starts to fade as she senses the seriousness when she looks at Maura.
"Wha? Sorry, if I did something." She says, looking a little crestfallen. "I didn't color on Mommy's pretty skirt! Never again!" she adds, and Jane and Maura can't help but laugh.
"No, sweetheart, it's nothing you did. You've been such a good girl lately." Maura says, as they walk to the couch to settle in. Jane holds Ellie in her lap and Maura sits beside them, her knee touching Jane's.
She looks at Jane warily, uncertain how to continue. They are both unsure how Ellie will react to the news. Jane takes Maura's hand and begins.
"Mommy has something special happening."
"Oh?" Ellie says, looking up expectantly at her mothers.
"Yes. I'm going to have a baby, Lee. " Maura doesn't know how else to say it.
"We," she automatically corrects, giving Jane's hand a squeeze. "We are going to have a baby."
She's afraid to look at her daughter, so she looks at Jane. "Would you like someone to play with, Ellie? A little brother or sister?"
Ellie has climbed into Maura's lap. Maura looks down in surprise at a big pair of green, questioning eyes staring up at her. "Mommy and Mama will still play with me too?"
Maura's heart almost breaks at the way she asks. She is like Jane in that sometimes she's afraid to admit what she really wants, what's most important to her. And when she does, it is scary for her. It is all of her trust wrapped in the other person—that they will answer the right way, that they will love her still.
Maura reaches down and strokes her daughter's cheek. "Of course, sweet girl."
"You'll always be our Lee," Jane chimes in, rubbing her daughter's back soothingly. "There won't ever be another one."
Ellie turns around and smiles at her. Then she looks back to Maura, her face suddenly getting serious.
"The baby is in Mommy's tummy?" she says, and places a tentative hand on Maura's stomach.
"Yes," Maura breathes, stunned at her daughter's gentle touch.
"I'll take care of you, baby," Ellie whispers, staring at Maura's belly and gently stroking it.
Maura and Jane share a surprised glance and then a grin.
And of course, during that peaceful moment Maura never wants to end, her mother-in-law comes crashing through the front door. She has seen the whole family gathered there, Ellie's hand on Maura's stomach.
"What did I miss?" she asks, but Maura can already tell she is jumping to conclusions from the scene in front of her.
Maura smiles, happy to share the news with more family. Jane looks at Maura to make sure it is alright to say, then squeezes Maura's hand tightly.
"Looks like you're gonna have another grandkid, Ma."
Angela squeals in delight and comes closer, ready to hug anybody and everybody.
"Yes, I'm pregnant, Angela."
Maura finds it actually feels good to say the words aloud, despite how she had feared to.
Angela sweeps Maura into a huge hug, with Ellie squeezed in the center.
"Alright, Ma, don't squish my family, please."
But Maura is laughing, so very happy. Angela moves to hug Jane and she lets her, a testament to how thrilled Jane is as well.
Maura can't help but think of how wonderful it has all worked out in the end. Sometimes you have to go through pain, struggle, wait and hope, and it doesn't turn out exactly how you planned. But maybe it turns out better in a way. They wouldn't have Ellie if their original plans hadn't gone awry. Maura couldn't imagine a world without Ellie. And now, Maura is also able to experience being pregnant. They are having another child. It is beautiful sometimes how life can work out.
Thoughts? :)