Author's Notes: Wow, it's been such a long time. I had this chapter done for years, literally, but never got around to posting and editing it. I reread it a couple of times these recent months and tried to edit as much as I could. It's still not perfect but it serves its purpose in explaining the plot!

Enjoy!

My Dearest Morphine

Chapter 10: Promises

Part of me couldn't remember what exactly happened. The other simply didn't want to remember it at all. Despite the fact that I would have healed quicker if I could bring myself to forget it, my memory simply wouldn't let go. Even when I held Tomoyo's hand when she was in her dead-like state, I couldn't feel her healing powers take away that specific memory. It haunted me for months, for exactly three months when Tomoyo Daidouji was "asleep". I have to admit that I kept Tomoyo Daidouji alive for purely selfish reasons; I needed her body to heal my heart little by little. Ever since Kaho was gone, I could not control anything anymore—my emotions, my magic, and my thoughts all condensed to an infinitely dense chaos that I could not escape from. I needed Tomoyo's healing hand to keep myself from doing more irrational things that would completely end my life.

The night that Kaho did not come back, I simply assumed that she found someone else. Actually, I wished that she had found someone else, which was an entirely ironical wish because I wanted her all for myself. However, it was better than the thought of losing her completely to Death. That night, I didn't sense anything dangerous for her. In fact, I felt her soul very calm and comforted. It must have been a lover, my mind told me in disappointment and pain. I knew that she had to move on, and that she would do it before me. After all, we could no longer stay as husband and wife. Our divorce papers had already been processed. Our divorce story earned itself a spot on the inside of a magazine but was mentioned no more. We refused to provide any reason for our divorce—if we did provide reasons, they would be absolutely disgusted and that would ruin Kaho's career—so the journalists stopped bothering us. That night passed by slowly and as sleep conquered me, I sensed Kaho slowly fading away. I told myself that she was driving out of the city, far away from my range for sensing auras. Perhaps she didn't want to hurt my feelings. Ah, Kaho is such a good woman, I told myself.

That night, I remained by the sleeping girl's body the whole time. I couldn't help but to hold her hand and take advantage of her healing powers. Every time I would feel some warmth envelop my body and soul, lifting me above my usual self. I understood why her patients sought her every week, just to get that feeling of comfort and perfection. Slowly, it became an addiction. Her hand, even cold and immobile, emitted a strange intoxicating substance. It was like morphine, oh the dear morphine that blocked all of the nerve sensors in my body. I became paralyzed with bliss, feeling no weight on my shoulders that would otherwise be there because of reality.

For three days, Kaho did not send back any messages. By the second day, I was extremely worried. Even the visitors who went to my garden complained of my ill humor and how my flowers weren't blooming at all. My mood declined little and little, and slowly, I relied on Tomoyo's healing touch more and more. On the forth day, I did not leave the immobile body at all. I even summoned for food without moving my right hand, which clasped onto hers tightly and put up a sign that warded off all the visitors. The mansion felt so lonely. Alone, I could not support it. Without Kaho, Tomoyo was probably the only one who I could depend on, even if I had only known her for a few weeks. My editors were all strangers to me; they were Kaho's friends, not mine. I did not bother to speak with them or treat them as friends as they paid me for my works routinely, not even caring if the quality was acceptable or poor. Kaho always scolded me for that, for not communicating with anyone else, for secluding myself, even if she understood that I could not live in any other way. And every time, although I knew that she was right, I would not listen to her advices.

So, when she was finally gone, I had no one to go to. I cursed the mansion for being so big. Had it been smaller, perhaps I would feel less as if I was trapped in infinite vacuum. On the forth day, exactly at six o'clock in the morning, the sneaky telephone rang loudly. I had been awake all night, just like I had been for the previous three days, although I wasn't exactly conscious. After a few seconds of hesitation, I let go of Tomoyo's hand and found myself in the living room, feeling once again the pain of betrayal and loss. I wasn't sure if I had teleported myself there. Perhaps my wish to hear Kaho's voice through the phone was strong enough to perform physical magic without my realizing it.

However, the voice across the line did not belong to Kaho.

"Is Eriol Hiiragizawa there?" came the voice of a polite young lady.

"…Y-yes." My voice was so quiet. I had not spoken for four days straight and my voice was scratchy and rusty. My throat and voice box were not used to the unfamiliar pressure that speaking aloud brought.

"Your wife, Kaho Mizuki, is currently in our hospital."

Several thoughts rushed immediately to my mind. Kaho was not my wife anymore—

"Hospital?" I exclaimed and thought aloud. "Why is Kaho in a hospital?" It didn't matter if they didn't know that we had divorced. It didn't matter that we were brother and sister. Kaho's life was on the line and I would never be able to forgive myself if I didn't do anything to save her.

"Yes, actually. She's deceased. I am so sorry, sir. We could not identify her body as she was burnt and—"

"NO!" I did not realize that I was screaming at the top of my lungs, as if a thousand bullets had hit me at once, until I heard my own terrible voice in my ears, echoing in my mind. My mouth had acted before my brain could process the information completely. … Dead? Burned? How? Kaho was… fine. Her aura… her aura… only… "…faded," I told myself. "Did she pass away in peace?" I asked the woman, whom I assumed to be a nurse, after catching my breath.

"She died in a car crash, sir," the young woman replied, sounding relieved that the temper that led to my previous outburst was subdued. "We doubt that she suffered through much pain before she did. She must have been unconscious when the engine exploded. The air bags must have caused a rather turbulent stop."

That night, my brain was especially slow in processing information. I had to remember every word and process every image and pain. Kaho had died. In a car crash. Burned alive. Yet, with no pain. Nothing made sense.

"Was it a drunk driver?" I had asked without giving it much thought.

"Yes. The drunk driver is dead too, sir."

My mind screamed. Do not compared Kaho with a drunk driver. If that driver was alive, I would seek to kill him myself. An intense grudge filled my heart and a hatred from the depths of my existence began to erupt I felt my fingertips slowly heating up as I breathed heavily.

"Sir, I do not know if you wish to know but…" she began, waiting for my approval.

I had imagined the worse possible. But what was worse than Kaho's death? Nothing.

"Yes?" I asked with dread.

"Kaho and the drunk driver were not the only ones who died," she seemed to gulp at the other end of the line. She must have known Kaho and I through those magazines too. Although she had been trained to deal calmly with these kinds of situations, she still feared my authority. "Your… baby. Kaho's baby died too."

The phone slipped out of my hand as my mind suddenly went blank and my muscles lost strength. Baby? What baby? Our baby? Since when did—Kaho…

"Hello? Hello, sir?" I could hear from the phone as the receiver hung in mid air.

The mansion seemed even emptier than before, if that was possible. That hatred that boiled in me earlier changed into something more terrible. I did not recognize what came over me. Even with all the philosophy and psychology that I've read, even though I knew everything possible about the human mind and thoughts, I couldn't identify my feelings. It was pure devastation, deeper than anything described in those now useless books.

Before I knew anything, flames engulfed the couch beside me. The wooden table that provided support for the telephone crumbled to ashes within second in the intense heat. The phone, too, vanished as the inferno burned through the weak plastic. I could not sense anything. It was hot, but it did not hurt. It was bright but I saw nothing but eternal darkness. I could not admit that I had lost control; I could not face the fact that Kaho was dead.

We lived perfectly together. We understood each other without words. Everyone acknowledged that we were the perfect couple, the couple of the century.

Suddenly, we became brothers and sisters.

Then divorced.

Then her, dead.

My thoughts wouldn't weave into a string. These things… these horrible things that happened one after another. Were they punishments for me? Were they punishments for my love for Kaho? How could love be punished? I did not know anything. My love for Kaho was pure, genuine, and perfect. I could not accept the fact that a bit of ignorance could ruin our lives. It simply wasn't fair.

The fire had spread beyond the living room. The walls all melted as if they were made of wax. Bits of the ceiling fell piece after piece although the mansion didn't completely collapse. My clothes must have been on fire as I smelled a strange burning odor envelop me but felt no pain. My beloved mansion, my cursed mansion passed through my ancestors, the mansion that contained all my memories with Kaho and all of our possessions burnt to ashes. The sprinklers that had worked several days ago did not hamper the fire at all. It was a magical fire, one that did not die as long as I could not calm down.

I let the fire burn for a while. Thoughts rushed through my mind and I couldn't conclude anything. I knew that my precious books, recent articles that I've worked so hard on, and those beautiful flowers all burned to ash. It did not matter. Everything must have cost a fortune and would be impossible to return back to normal but I didn't give a damn. Maybe, I believed, if everything burned to ashes, I would forget everything and restart a pure life. A suddenly thought struck me. All of this happened because of her. She was the culprit.

"Damn you Tomoyo Daidouji. Damn you to Hell."

It did not matter if I did not believe in Hell because at that point, I could have created one without much effort. My wrath was strong enough to bring the world down. With all the magical powers that I had gathered through reading, I could change the entire planet if I tried.

As my wrath became more focused, I could have easily stopped the fire. My magic only went out of the control when it was directed at nothing in particular, if I was simply angry at the world. But at the moment, I directed everything at Tomoyo Daidouji, and cruelly, I decided to just let the fire burn a little more.

She could heal herself, my mind said, she deserves to suffer even in her limbo state. She killed Kaho. Tomoyo Daidouji killed Kaho, killed your baby. You can never, ever forgive her.

I had never been more determined in my life. It was a promise that I would hold on to, no matter what happened, no matter what the witch would do to persuade me. I could smile at her, to her face, and kill her little by little behind her back. A suddenly rush of excitement ran down my body, enveloping me in hysteria.

"Yes," I told myself out loud, "magic is perfect to torture people. Little by little, Tomoyo Daidouji, you will receive the damage that you've caused for not only Kaho and I but for everyone, every single patient of yours. You think that you're such a damn innocent healer but truly, you're the most sinful and lonely woman on earth."

Finally, the fire dissipated, leaving behind nothing but choking dust and ashes. All plant life disappeared. I could see nothing for dark and dry ash and dirt in front of me until my eyes landed on a body clad in white clothes. So her magic had protected her, when she was vulnerable and powerless. She was no healer. She simply wanted to protect her reputation, her soul from Death because she knew that if she didn't commit acts of philanthropy, she would be taken away from this world any second.

I vowed to my name, to my ancestors, that I would cleanse the world of people like Tomoyo Daidouji, pretentious people disguised as angels.

No one seemed to have noticed the fire. The passing people below the mountain merely thought that the mansion was suffering a bad case of fog and acid rain. If someone had driven up the mountain to check on me, I would have been satisfied. Knowing that at least someone cared about me would greatly reassure me. But no one came. The layer of smoke didn't evaporate for a week. Before it completely cleared, however, I was forced to go down the mountain by starvation and loneliness. The only objects that survived the fire were the ones inside a magical safe. There were my identification information, including birth, marriage and divorce documents, my most famous novel and my important awards. Nothing that belonged to Kaho alone remained. She always preferred to keep her confidential information in the banks' vaults as she didn't fully trust magic. I couldn't even go retrieve her belongings as I did not know the combinations and had no idea where her keys were.

By the second day after the fire, levels of carbon dioxide slowly declined but the air was still suffocating. I only stayed alive because I had cast a protective shield around me. I was unsure how Tomoyo Daidouji survived at all. Before, I doubted her powers but it seemed like I was wrong about those too. Her aura, although dim, still survived. She was in no pain, perhaps in an even better condition than I was, as she saw and knew nothing that happened. Her heart was still weighted by my pains but it had already partially healed.

Everything seemed so long ago. For how long had I known that Kaho was my reincarnated sister? For how long had I realized that I was committing incest? It seemed to have been forever. The guilt that rushed through my body was so strong that I was sure I had to pay for a lifetime worth of torture and misfortune. Everything about souls was so complicated. Even after writing and researching so many things about souls, I still didn't know everything. How are souls of reincarnated humans affected by their previous lives? Were reincarnated souls different souls from their original? Did the passed on souls possess the same feelings, the same hatred? Did Kaho, in a previous life, hate magic too? Did I, in a previous life, fall in love with Kaho too?

With some remaining power, I made a tree sprout out of the ground magically. I needed something to lean on because I was exhausted. If I had no support, I could have fallen on the ground and not be able to get up. The lonely trunk was the only plant alive in a dead circle with the radius of about a mile. My magical fire had indeed manifested with great power. Perhaps, I thought, Kaho was scared of magic because I would lose control one day. And she would be right. Magic came with responsibilities and often, more evil than good was done with magic. Only the stronger and unfortunate souls were gifted with magic. Even those who are gifted with it sometime refuse to accept and utilize it. Tomoyo Daidouji and I were one of the few who were desperate enough to employ magic as parts of our lives. We had at least that much common.

Her limp body was still immobile on the dry and burnt dirt, in the same spot as two days ago. I dared not to touch her for I feared the weak barrier that surrounded her body, the barrier that was powerful enough to protect her from the inferno. Previously, I had thought that Tomoyo was incapable of harming others. Her soul seemed so innocent as she tried to do nothing but help us. She even offered great sympathy Kaho and I instead of pitying us like one would usually do. For a week, or a few days, I felt as if Tomoyo would save Kaho and I from everything, I felt as if Tomoyo was sent by a god that I had never acknowledged before to save me. But I was so wrong. She was the double agent, the seemingly ignorant angel who harmed others in her own subtle way. She carried out acts of charity to perfect her exterior. Everyone trusted her with their lives. But after this fire, everything would change. She would let her patients down as she is slowly consumed by her state and everything that she built in the past would be betrayed.

Although it seemed awfully cruel of me, I chuckled at the foolish and evil girl.

I advanced to her limp body and kneed beside her. My bones ached from tottering from place to place and my lungs were tired from breathing the intoxicated air. Her body, however, seemed to be in a better shape than mine. Yet, she had eaten nothing and performed no magic at all in her unconscious state. How could a body be so regenerative?

I wanted to grab onto her hand, just to suck away some of her power to heal myself of the current pains. I hesitated for a moment, out of consideration, but became even more determined to absorb her power. She didn't need them, I told myself, she was a very powerful witch, a cruelly powerful witch. She doesn't deserve to live in such a good state. She can stay in limbo for years. That would teach her the proper lesson.

Part of my mind debated back, claiming that Tomoyo Daidouji was an innocent and absolutely philanthropic woman. But that voice was tiny and baseless. I suppressed it without further thoughts.

I grabbed her hand firmly and as my fingers barely brushed against the back of her hand at first, I immediately felt warmth enter my veins and traveling through my circulatory system. It was sensational, a feeling that was barely describable. My pain nerves shut down and nothing mattered anymore. She was like morphine, suppressing all my previous bewildering and evil thoughts, taking away all of the mental and physical pain. I felt nothing at all, no happiness, no sadness, no pride, and no excitement. It was a different sort of warmth than when she was alive. Before, she would concentrate to absorb my pains but in her limbo state, my body simply responded by shutting down. I felt completely numb, and that numbness, contrasted against all the pains that I could have felt if I didn't hold her hand, drove me nearer to her body, as if it was a magnet and I, a paperclip. The strength of her magic called out to me and I responded willingly. Although I hated this woman for all the pains that she introduced to me before the fire and wanted her to suffer, I was unable to kill her. Her body, that intoxicating chemical that she emitted, was simply addicting.

I took a step back, my hand still holding hers but slightly looser. I had to bring Tomoyo Daidouji with me wherever I planned to go. It was decided. Without her, my pains would conquer me easily. Although it seemed impossible to live without Kaho, I couldn't kill myself. I had something to finish before my life ended; I needed to finish my books and my research on souls, magic and philosophy.

It was then that, without further thinking, I proclaimed Tomoyo Daidouji my personal drug, an object that I would use to my advantage through rough situations. She owed me at least that.

With nothing left to restrain me to the mansion, I began my journey down the mountain with Tomoyo's dead-like body floating beside me, her hand still firmly in my grip.

Author's Notes: Please review! I promise to get chapter 11 up sooner. It'll explain Tomoyo's past in some detail.