My Sweet Thing

Chapter Ten: That's It

My morning of chaos was, hopefully, behind me. I attended class after Bronze had walked away, and dutifully acted like the perfect student I wasn't. Keeping my head down was now the game plan. I didn't want any more confrontations, any more arguments, and I didn't want any more drama. I wanted peace and quiet so I could regroup my thoughts and sort myself out.

Sadly, not everyone got that memo.

I had been enjoying my lunch, eating away by myself, when I saw Rose across the lunchroom. She had just collected her tray of food and was walking straight towards me. Her face shone of mischief and I couldn't help but grit my teeth.

When would she ever back off and leave me alone?

"In the clear, huh?" Rose said, dropping her tray onto the table across from me. "I didn't take you as a squealer, Bella. But, then again, you did always moan and squeal in bed so why would this be any different?" She shrugged her shoulders as she placed her napkin on her lap.

"What exactly do you want, Rose? I can't imagine this is where you want to eat lunch." I was not going to sit there and take her bullshit. No way.

"No, you're right. I would much rather be elsewhere, but it seems Jasper misses your pretty little cunt too much so I've been sent to apologise. He tore me a new asshole for showing those pictures around, and then he came to the big realisation that while your white trash friend is jailbait, he would amuse himself with you in the meantime. I think he believes I will somehow get you to come back to bed with us." She rolled her eyes at his foolishness, as did I, and then grinned. "So here it is: I, Rosalie Hale, am dreadfully sorry I caused you such pain and anguish. Do you, Isabella Swan, forgive me?"

God, Rose was a bitch. Her fake smile was in place, and that pathetically fake voice grated on my nerves. Despite all that, I couldn't turn her apology down. I needed her to back off, and this was the only way to do that.

"Fine, I accept your apology, but I have a few conditions," I said, watching as her perfectly shaped eyebrow rose in surprise.

"And what would those conditions be? If you expect me to apologise to your white trash friends then you have another thing coming," she warned, glaring.

I rolled my eyes and picked at my lunch, trying not to lose my temper. "No, that wasn't one of them. I actually want you to leave them alone. Don't mess with them. No more impromptu haircuts. No more bullying the poor students. No more target practice. Leave them be."

Rose didn't argue with me, she could see that it would get her nowhere. "Fine. I won't go after your pathetic little friends anymore. Consider hunting season over. Is that it?"

"No, I have one other condition. Leave me alone. We're over. Done. Finished. Stop sabotaging my efforts to move on. Stop bringing up my past. Stop trying to drag me back down to your level. I'm out."

She pursed her lips for a moment and thought about it. My first condition wasn't an issue for her as she would eventually get bored and leave Bronze and Alice alone, but my second one was a little different. Jasper made her apologise to entice me back to them, and while we both knew it wasn't going to happen, she did it anyway. The fact that I was openly telling her I was done with them would throw a spanner in the works.

Rose could, and most likely would, move on without me. I would just become another face in the crowd for her, but for Jasper it would be completely different. At one time, not so long ago, he had us both. We were his. While we could do what we wanted, we still always went back to him. To cut that tie all together wasn't going to be easy, and I couldn't help but worry about his reaction.

"You want to be left alone, fine. I'll leave you alone," Rose said, nodding. "I can't make any promises for Jasper though."

"No, as long as you're backing off, that's alright. I'll handle Jasper." Rose laughed and shook her head.

"Good luck with that." I rolled my eyes at her and went back to my lunch.

I expected Rose to get her things and go sit somewhere else but instead, the two of us sat in silence eating. It was surprisingly pleasant, not to have her gunning for me all the time. She didn't make any remarks, didn't try and make small talk, and even gave me a small genuine smile when she walked away.

And that was it. There were no parting words or threats, no glares or glances, just nothing. It was a huge weight off my shoulders, and I sunk down in my chair feeling very relieved. For once, it actually seemed like things were falling in place.

Guilt still lay heavily on my shoulders, though, and I needed to try to heal that wound, if only a little.

Once my classes were done for the day, I asked my driver to head to the cemetery. Jake's grave was a place I seldom went, but today it felt like it was calling me there. Past visits consisted of me having emotional breakdowns that lasted weeks on end, and thoughts of suicide, all followed by more guilt.

How could I even think of taking my life after I took someone else's? It would be a holy injustice, and a slap in the face for Jake's memory. I couldn't do it, and never would, no matter how awful my life was, because at the end of the day, I was still living and he wasn't.

There was a slight chill as I stepped out of the car, leaving my things in the backseat. My driver offered to accompany me, but I politely told him it would be best for me to go alone. Without further ado, I followed the dusty road into the cemetery.

Despite not visiting Jake's grave frequently, I still knew its exact location, and walked straight towards it. Gravestones surrounded me, many family plots, and as I drew closer to Jake's, the Black name started to appear. Jake was buried among his ancestors, and right next to his mother, Sarah.

Seeing the two gravestones next to each other was another reminder of what I had done to the Black family. They had already lost Sarah, in a car accident, and then they lost Jake, thanks to me. There wasn't anything I could do to make up for that, no matter how hard I tried or wanted to.

I looked down at the neat flowers arranged at the bottom of both their headstones and knew Billy Black had to have been there recently. He had always been a great friend of my father's and thought of me as an angel. If only he knew.

Tears welled up in my eyes and I bit my lip, trying to fight back the tears. "I'm so sorry, Jake," I sobbed, clutching at my sleeves and wrapping my arms around myself. "I'm so so sorry."

It was like the dam had broken and emotions were flooding out of everywhere. I couldn't stand it, and it just burst out. Falling to my knees, I curled up on the grass and apologised. My sorrows kept coming, and before I knew it, I was lulling in and out of sleep, having exhausted myself.

"I never meant for this to happen, and I'm sorry. I loved you, I really did," I whispered, my face clammy and my forehead and hair damp from the tears. I was practically lying across his grave, but I wanted to be closer, just to be closer to him, to get some semblance of him back.

"Forgive me, because I will never forgive myself," I mumbled, kissing the gravestone softly. It was cool to the touch, but it offered some sort of comfort I didn't know I was craving. Crawling closer to it, I dropped my forehead against the stone and curled up again, using it to keep me upright.

For that very moment, I felt at peace. There was no black cloud hanging over me, no dark shadows cloaking my mind and thoughts. I could just sit there and feel numb. It was better than getting high and being drunk, the total numbness of it all. If I could replicate that feeling over and over again, it would be my new drug, and probably keep me sane.

All the built up sorrow and guilt could not be healthy for my mental state of mind.

I felt the first drops of rain on my hands and face, before the skies opened up. It was coming down in bucket loads, drenching me completely. I didn't have time to think, just hightailed it towards the trees for shelter.

My jumper was drenched, my shirt damp, and my bra was a little wet. My skirt and legs were soaking, and the cool breeze made it chillier. I wrapped my arms around my body and listened to my teeth chatter against each other, the rain still pouring down from above. Thankfully, the trees offered cover, and I was safe from the downpour.

Someone else had the same idea, and was sprinting towards me. I could already see that they, like myself, were drenched. The man's blue shirt was clinging to his body, his slacks a darker grey in areas that had been hit by the rain, but by the time he got to me they would be completely sodden.

It wasn't until he came closer that I realised who he was. Dr. Carlisle realised at the same moment as I did, and we both looked down at the ground suddenly. He walked into the tree line and tried to dry himself off a bit, but to no avail.

"I thought you'd be hiding at the bottom of a bottle by now," I remarked, looking at him closely.

He appeared to be perfectly sober, unlike earlier. But, then again, I hadn't thought him under the influence earlier until I had smelt it on him. He hid it well, and could have been hiding it again now.

"That's what I used to do when I completely screwed up, but now I find it better to visit the one person who I should try harder for," he replied, turning to look at me. He couldn't keep the eye contact long before he looked down at his sodden shoes and sighed. "What about you, why have you dragged yourself out here? I know from our sessions that you never did like it."

"I needed to see him, to speak to him," I replied, shrugging. Quite frankly, I didn't want to go into too much detail. Dr. Carlisle had no right to know. He had abused his trust and I wasn't going to suddenly open back up to him like nothing had happened.

"You begged for forgiveness, did you not?" I shot an accusatory look at him and shook my head angrily.

"You eavesdropped? How could you? That was private; you had absolutely no right to do so!"

"I did not eavesdrop, Bella," he said, shaking his hands at me. "I didn't even know you were here until I came over to get out of the rain."

"Then how did you know?"

"I did the exact same thing when I tried to move on with my life," he said, sighing once more.

I didn't know what to say to that. It was easy to forget that we were so alike. Before I could apologise for being so rude to him, he continued speaking.

"I can tell you now, Bella, that you will never get the forgiveness you seek. You'll go through life, and whatever ounce of happiness you find, you'll destroy it. It's your penance. Whether you mean to or not, you will make yourself miserable. Or at least, that's what I have found."

Walking backwards towards the trunk of the tree, Carlisle took a seat and leant back against it. He motioned for me to do the same, and I couldn't help myself. I sat down beside him, our shoulders touching, and watched as the rain continued to fall.

It didn't look to be letting up anytime soon, and I wondered how long we'd be there. While we could easily dash through the rain, given that we were already soaked, the fact that we were cut off from everyone else was rather nice. It certainly wasn't something I wanted to give up unless I had to.

Being away from it all, the drama and the trouble, made me feel relaxed. Going back to it was something I wasn't ready for, yet. I needed time, time to watch the rainfall and sit with a man who had gone through the exact same thing.

"They're buried here?" I asked, biting my lip afterwards. It was a personal question, and I didn't expect him to answer, but he did.

"Yes. While I didn't kill him here, at this hospital, his family was originally from here. When he died, they brought him back, buried him, and I somehow ended up following."

"Why?"

"I needed to see his life, before I took it from him. It became an obsession," he admitted, wiping the raindrops off his face. "Sometime after that, I gave up on the drink that caused my problems in the first place. I didn't think I'd ever taste another drop again."

"So why did you? Why did you ruin all your hard work?" Dr. Carlisle turned and looked at me, giving me a small, sad, smile.

"I heard about the fire and I just knew that it was over for you. No one can prove anything now, and there are no consequences. I was jealous, angry, and at the same time, relieved." He sighed once more, his eyes practically pleading with me for something, though what, I didn't know. "You're an amazing person, Bella, and you do deserve to live the rest of your life with happiness and joy. I just…I just…" Carlisle stopped, broke eye contact with me and waved his hand in dismissal.

"Tell me," I begged, needing to know what he was going to say.

"No. It would be better for both of us if I didn't. Just, enjoy your life, Bella. Don't dwell on the past."

I was desperate to know what he was going to say. He looked to be antagonizing over the situation, still, but I knew he wouldn't go back and tell me. He was done. That conversation was over.

We sat there in silence, watching the rain once again. It was therapeutic, and symbolic in some way. It really did feel like the rain was washing my pain away. Whether Carlisle felt the same, I didn't know. In fact, I didn't know much about him at all.

He was Dr. Carlisle, my councillor. I knew he was divorced and that he was once a doctor. He had a drinking problem, just fell off the wagon, and he had killed a patient due to it. He also made a pass at me…yeah.

I looked back at him, taking in his profile. It wasn't as if he was bad to look at. Hell, he was gorgeous. However, he was in a position of trust, and he had violated that trust. I still respected him, but it wasn't the same. I couldn't help but see him differently now, whereas before he was my frustrating councillor, now he was Carlisle, the only man who understood what I was going through.

I was staring too openly, and it caused him to turn. "You're thinking about this morning, aren't you?" My mumbled reply and the blush on my cheeks gave me away.

"Good Lord, what have I done?" he asked aloud, putting his face in his hands. "I'm not a monster, Bella, I promise you, I'm not." The pain in his voice was so very obvious, but I wasn't going to comfort him. That would send the wrong messages.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry for even thinking it, I'm sorry for almost acting on those thoughts, and I'm sorry that it's changed things between us. I want you to know, I've resigned as the school councillor. I sent my resignation in after I woke this afternoon. I couldn't stay there, see you every day and I certainly wouldn't be able to pretend that nothing had happened. It wouldn't be right."

"You resigned?" My body broke out in goose bumps at the thought. He couldn't resign. He couldn't leave me there, alone, with no one to talk to. That wasn't how it was meant to be. Absolutely not.

"I had to, you have to understand why," he stressed. His eyes met mine, and I knew exactly why.

"That wasn't just a drunk moment of insanity, was it? You…you…you… care for me?" I didn't know how to say it, and like sounded so juvenile, and this certainly wasn't a juvenile situation. Hell, this wasn't even a legal situation.

I broke eye contact. I didn't want to see the sadness in his eyes, the pain that was hidden there, and the sorrow lurking beneath. He didn't have to answer me, I knew that I was correct. It was written all over his face. It wasn't that creepy pervert look that the local flasher gives you right before he freeballs it, but instead it was an affectionate one, as though lust wasn't a driving factor.

"Shit," I mumbled, shaking my head in complete disbelief.

Carlisle chuckled and nodded. "Shit, indeed."

"So with you gone, what's going to happen to my counselling sessions?"

"A new councillor with be hired pretty soon. They won't know as much as I do, I suspect, but I think they'll be able to help with some of your problems."

"My problems?" I asked, trying not to sound offended. Carlisle grinned and shot me a knowing look.

"Yes, your problems. You can't drive a car since the accident, in fact, you utterly refuse to even sit in the front of the vehicle. You also carry a deep hatred and shame around with you, which they may be able to help with, and you have a slightly self-destructive streak to you."

"I thought you said that I would always seek self-destruction, no matter what?"

"I did, and you will, but they may be able to tone it down a bit. They'll have a completely different view to this situation than I did, and it'll help, trust me."

Trust me. Two very simple words, with a hell of a significance behind them. Was I capable of fully trusting Carlisle again, like I had before? Or were things broken beyond repair?

"The rain is letting up, we should be able to make it back to our cars," he said, rising to his feet.

Carlisle held out his hand for me to take, and helped me up. With little distance between us, I saw the man up close. He really was gorgeous, but it still felt wrong even thinking that about him. A schoolgirl crush is allowed, but when you know that your crush has feelings for you, it's an entirely different game, and a very dangerous one at that.

"Thank you," I muttered, taking my hand back and striding out from under the trees.

I could hear him following behind me, keeping a safe distance, until we got to the parking lot. My driver was still there, and hopped out the car with an umbrella the second he saw me. It was only spitting lightly, so I wasn't concerned about the rain. My clothes were still damp, but no longer uncomfortable.

I wanted to get as far from Carlisle as possible, in case my driver suspected something, but he made that impossible. Ever so softly, he reached out and touched my arm. I turned and was met, once again, with his piercing eyes. They held so many emotions, it was impossible to decipher which one was taking over.

"Wait, just for a second," he whispered, coming closer. I felt a shiver run up my spine at his words, and nodded. "I do care for you, Bella, but I refuse to be the thing that holds you back. There is a lovely young man waiting in the wings for you. Go enjoy yourself, and live a life to be proud of. You deserve someone better than a drunk like me. You got that second chance so many would kill for, use it wisely, for Jake." He leant down quickly and kissed my cheek, and then that was it. He walked away quickly, heading towards his car.

I was too dazed to move, and couldn't take my eyes off him drive away, out of sight. It felt like I was suddenly at a divide with two paths ahead of me and I had to choose. On one side, there was Bronze, my Bronze. He was kind, funny, sweet, and safe. On the other, there was Carlisle, a man I knew nothing about, but one I wanted to get to know. He was unknown, and the riskier of the two.

While it may have felt like there was two paths to choose from, there really was only one. Carlisle had blocked his off, cutting me out, removing me from the equation. I was going to respect that, and let it go. That was the plan, at least.

From then on, I was going to make my own path. I didn't need to rely on Bronze, Carlisle or anyone else. I had to start taking charge for myself. Since Jake's death, my life had been nothing but chaos, drama, and pain. That had changed. I no longer felt that life wasn't worth living.

Like Carlisle said, I got that second chance, and now was the time to use it.

A.N.

Forgot to mention this in my last update, but huge thanks to BellaSunshine for rec'ing this wee story to her readers. Can't thank you enough! And cheers to all those readers that decided to come and have a read.

Thanks for reading!