A/N: If you didn't already hear, this chapter got to be WAY too long to post all at once. So instead, I've split it into two more manageable portions and will post the two installments a little closer together than usual. See A/N at the end for more.
I was interviewed on the SYTYCW Blog! Check it out if you're interested in that kind of thing. TTI was also rec'd on HisGoldenEyes FanFic Friday. You guys are all awesome, thanks for the love!
Speaking of love.... you guys blew TTI so far past 1K reviews with that last chapter! You all are amazing. Thanks for all your love and support!
HUGE thanks to Betamama and Caren. They are superstars for getting through everything I threw their way this time around.
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer created the characters, the story is mine. Copyright 2010: BellaMarie117
Ready or not…here it comes! When we last saw Bella, she had opened the door to see Renee at her doorstep. Let's see what happens next…
x-x-x
"Mom? What are you doing here?" I gasped at the sight of her standing before me. Part of me wondered if I'd had more to drink that night than I'd realized and the vision in front of me was an illusion.
Or a nightmare.
If Renee was here in reality it couldn't be a good thing. I highly doubted she came for a nice, friendly visit to her only daughter. I closed my eyes once, wishing that I'd open them again to see an empty hallway in front of me. But when I opened them again she was still there, the slender five-foot-seven brunette who looked so much like me, yet so very different. My mother was an attractive woman, but there was no friendliness to her face, no lines that showed evidence that she ever laughed or smiled. Her skin was darker than mine, her hair much shorter and kept in a stylish bob. She was perfectly put together, as always, from the matching pumps and designer purse to the French tipped manicure on her pristine fingernails.
"You look surprised to see me, Isabella. I can't imagine why."
"You never said anything about coming here, so yes, I'm surprised," I muttered, stepping out into the hallway and clicking the door shut behind me. I could imagine Rose and Alice trying to listen in on the other side of the door, but I didn't need to make it easy for them to eavesdrop. Not on this conversation.
"I wasn't getting any answers," she said in a bored voice.
"What are you talking about?" I asked, trying to keep my voice low. "I told you everything you needed to know."
"Everything, Isabella?" she leveled me with a skeptical lift of her brow, the same look that she'd passed along to me that Emmett had so lovingly nicknamed the 'bitchbrow.' Renee's was far more effective in my opinion and I felt myself shrinking under its presence, shrugging uncomfortably in response.
"How was your doctor's appointment yesterday?" she asked knowingly.
"I would have told you last night if you'd answered your phone."
"Don't play games with me, Isabella. I'm fully aware when your appointment was. How long does it take to hit a button on your phone?"
"I went straight to the rink after my appointment and called you when I was done," I insisted, though in truth it hadn't been immediately after I finished and it's very possible I wouldn't have called her at all had Carlisle not mentioned that she was poking around.
"Regardless. My presence here is obviously necessary. You've been quite uncooperative at a distance and while that may have been okay while you were recuperating," she said with a roll of her eyes, "it's not going to fly now that you're better. You refuse to return to Florida, so here I am."
"So, what, you're moving here?"
"That's yet to be determined."
"Where are you staying? Not with me," I inquired, the idea horrifying me more than I could say.
"I should say not. You think I'm going to bunk on your couch for the foreseeable future? Not likely. I've a room at the Saint Paul Hotel."
"I see," I whispered. It was just like her to bed down at the most expensive place she could find. "What exactly are your plans while you're here?"
"What a silly question," she scoffed, "The same things I've always done. Nothing has changed, Isabella. You wanted to run away on your little adventure and I let you have your way for a time. Now it's time to get back to work. This little interlude is over."
"This 'interlude' is my life now, Mom."
"Really? What exactly is your life here? You lie about all day, play with your little friends, your little boyfriend." I gasped softly at that, like the wind had just been knocked out of me. She smirked without a trace of humor. "Oh yes, I know all about you and that hockey player. I'd have expected more from you than to go slumming with some ruffian at the first chance you got. Then of course you never did have very good taste."
"He's not a ruffian. You don't know anything about what kind of person he is. Say what you want about me, but leave him out of this," I said with far more passion than I'd ever thrown at her over any words of insult toward me, my fists clenching so tightly that my knuckles were white. Edward was different. He was good and unspoiled by my mother's tarnish. He didn't deserve that.
"Bells? Is everything okay?" I heard the door behind me open and Rose call out softly from behind.
"Yeah. Fine," I muttered quietly, turning toward her without making eye contact. "I'll see you guys later, okay?"
"Are you sure?" Alice prodded and I looked up to catch her throwing Renee a speculative glare.
"Of course. I'm good," I insisted, though I was anything but. I couldn't bring them into this, nor would I ever want to. It was better that Renee was contained as much as possible. I didn't want her touching any part of the life I'd made here, afraid that it would all shatter under her icy touch.
"Okay. We're right here if you need anything," Rose said, her tone an obvious attempt to reassure me that the offer was more than just a casual pleasantry. I nodded and pulled my keys out of the pocket of my sweatshirt, unlocking the door and leaving it open for Renee to follow. I didn't know how long she planned to stay but I knew I didn't want to keep talking in the hall of my building.
"I don't know why you wanted to live in an apartment. Such nosy neighbors," Renee muttered as she stepped in and shut the door behind her.
"They're not nosy, Mom, they're my friends."
"How can you let them call you that awful nickname? Your father used to call you that," she said with derision.
"He still does."
"That's right. Your father mentioned speaking to you recently. Aren't you a little old to be crying to daddy, Isabella?" she said, craning her neck around as she tried to take in the surroundings.
"What are you talking about? You talked to Dad? Why?"
"Did you think whining to your father was going to do any good? When has he ever taken an interest in your career? What was the purpose of bringing him into this?" she asked as she roamed further into the room, her heels clacking on the floor as she walked the perimeter, stopping to lift objects off the shelves along the way to inspect them.
"I barely said anything to him," I exclaimed, feeling even more foolish now for having opened myself up to him. "He asked how I was doing and I mentioned that things were a little frustrating at the moment."
"That's not all you discussed, if I'm not mistaken," she tsked her tongue at me with an air of condescension. "Really, Isabella, you're very naïve if you think he'd care about your petty little problems. The man's halfway across the country. Half your life it's been like that, and even before then it wouldn't have done you any good."
"I know," I whispered in a defeated tone and repeated, "I didn't say anything to him."
"Well, in any case it's all a matter of 'he said, she said.' Oh good gracious," she complained as she stopped just in front of the couch, "it's a good thing I got the hotel room, this place is positively cramped."
"You chose it, remember?" I said, reaching my fingers up to rub at the bridge of my nose where I felt a massive headache closing in.
"Yes, well, I suppose it's rather quaint. You never seemed to show an appreciation for the advantages that are offered to you."
"It's not a bad thing to not need that stuff to be happy."
"No. Just a waste," she sighed as she picked up a picture frame from my bookshelf. It was a photograph of the six of us at the Polar Bear Plunge. We were all soaked and shivering with the biggest grins on our faces. I was tucked snuggly under Edward's arm with Alice on my other side. I loved that picture and the happy memories associated with it. Seeing it in Renee's hands, the look of mild distaste on her face, made me feel violated. I didn't want her here. I could already feel her threatening to spoil the sanctuary I'd built for myself.
Just a little longer, Bella. It's late. She'll go back to her hotel room and hopefully any future interactions could take place somewhere else. Somewhere that wasn't mine. Somewhere she couldn't infect with her negativity.
"Shouldn't you be getting back to your hotel?" I asked, trying not to give away just how desperate I was to be rid of her. "If you were travelling today I'm sure you're tired."
"You're right. It is late. Of course that didn't seem to stop you from socializing into all hours of the night," she said with a pointed look in the direction of the door and the girls' apartment on the other side. I didn't bother responding. It wasn't worth it. The more I shut my mouth, the quicker she'd be gone.
"I'll be back in the morning. We'll have breakfast and start figuring out this whole mess," she informed me as she crossed to the door.
"No!" I exclaimed, sputtering to recover from the initial gut reaction. I couldn't have her back here again. I already felt like I should scrub the entire place from top to bottom in order to remove any trace of her. "I mean, uh, why don't I come to you? I mean that would be easier for you wouldn't it? Nine o'clock? I can come by the hotel after my workout."
"I suppose that will be fine," she accepted. "We'll be going to the rink after. You'll need to meet up with Phil and get started right away."
"Phil? That coach? He's here?" I inquired with surprise.
"Of course he's here. There's no time to waste."
"Well yes, I know. I just didn't think he'd be here. I've never even spoken to him. We haven't made a decision yet."
"You'll speak to him tomorrow," she said slowly, like she was speaking to a toddler. "As for a decision, I really don't see what the problem is.
"I told you I'd talk to him," I reminded her. "I still want Marcus as my coach."
"If you're going to be difficult, fine," she huffed. "We'll do a trial run. You give Phil two weeks, starting tomorrow. At the end of that period we'll talk about it. You have to try, Isabella. You can't just fold your arms and pout for two weeks."
"I'll try," I muttered, wanting to do exactly that.
"Good. I'll have Phil join us for breakfast," she said airily as she made her exit.
When the door closed behind her, I flipped the lock and pulled the chain, the weight of it feeling heavier than ever before. I felt completely sapped of my energy, like a virus had ravished my body and left nothing but a weak shell behind. That's how I felt. Weak. Empty. Frustrated that she could make me feel like that so easily. Angry with myself that I let her. Alone. So alone.
I couldn't shake off the heavy cloak of betrayal at Charlie's actions. He'd called her. Renee never called Charlie. Never. It had to be him who'd initiated it. Why? To tattle on me? To laugh at the petty complaints of the spoiled little girl? I felt stupid for having said anything to him at all. Renee was right. What good could it have done? He didn't care. Why did I ever think he would care?
Dragging myself to my bedroom, I collapsed onto the bed, not even bothering to pull off the slipper boots I'd worn to Alice's place earlier that night. Glancing at the clock, it read 11:36 p.m. Could it really have been such a short time ago that I'd been giggling and carefree with her and Rose? Just minutes really since my only worry had been staying awake long enough to check in with Edward. How quickly the wind can change.
At the thought of Edward, I groped blindly at my bedside table, feeling around for my cell phone and bringing it in front of my face and lighting up the screen in the darkness of my room.
1 New Voicemail
The sight of that tiny message on my screen was enough to break the dam and I felt tears overflowing to drop down my cheeks, absorbing into the fabric of my pillow. I couldn't call him back now. He'd know something was wrong immediately. I'd just tell him that I'd fallen asleep and hadn't heard my phone ring. Needing to hear his voice though, I pressed the button to dial into my voicemail, desperately jabbing at the keys to put in my password.
"Hey, Beautiful," his velvet voice came through the speaker, "I was just calling to say goodnight. Guess you're already sleeping or something. I'll call you tomorrow when we get back. Can't wait to see your sweet face. So, yeah. I miss you."
I shut off my phone, my tears growing into heaving, breathless sobs as I clutched onto my pillow and wished it was Edward instead. Something that could hold me back and tell me everything would be okay. Instead I lay awake for hours, alone in the dark, my sobs fading to soft hiccupping sniffles as my eyes drooped, eventually drifting off into a restless slumber.
x-x-x
The next morning I went through my workout in a zombie-like trance. Edward wasn't back in town yet, so I was on my own. For once I was okay with that fact. I didn't want him to see my bloodshot eyes or the puffy bags beneath them. By eight-thirty I was already exhausted and the day was just beginning. I had no doubt it would be a long one if Renee had her way, which she would. She always did.
Despite my dragging feet, I scurried through my shower and quickly dried my hair before throwing on jeans and a t-shirt with my sweater boots as the weather had faded back to crisp and chilly. At the last minute I switched my hoodie for a cardigan, not wanting to give Renee just one more thing to complain about. Maybe I should put on earrings? I decided to skip them, knowing that finding a pair of earrings would just inevitably make me late and then she'd be cranky over my tardiness and wouldn't even care about what I was wearing. The hotel was just a few miles away and I was lucky to find a spot on the street to park, rushing into the ornate lobby as I checked my watch.
8:58 a.m. I blew out a breath of relief. Not late. Of course, she was already there sitting in one of the plush love seats in the lobby, sitting very close to a gentleman I could only see from the back. Phil, I assumed as Renee noticed me, raising her brow and blatantly checking her watch. I raised mine back at her, feeling just a tiny bit triumphant when her face went blank again after discovering the time. Can't pick on that one, can you?
She leaned in and said something to the man before they both stood just as I approached them.
"Phil, this is my daughter, Isabella," she said, one hand wrapped around his forearm and the other one gesturing toward me, then back toward him as she introduced us. "Isabella, Phil Dwyer."
He was tall, probably close to six-foot-three, and completely bald, though it was clear that it was by choice and not genetics. His shaved head was shiny, almost as if he'd slicked oil over it. He was younger than I'd anticipated, maybe mid-to-late thirties. He was very fit underneath the sport coat he'd paired with blue jeans, bulky almost.
"Isabella, pleasure to meet you," he spoke in a low voice, the tone instantly putting my back up. It was obvious he was a schmoozer. I'd met more than my fair share in my lifetime and he was definitely one of them. He reached for my hand, lifting it to his lips in a move I'm sure he thought was suave, but in reality was just creepy. "I've seen lots of video on you. Very impressive. You're quite the little skater, aren't you?"
"Thank you," I whispered quietly, wanting to flinch back a little from his touch. His hands were clammy and much too warm. I tried to politely yet firmly extract my own from his grasp. Renee gave me a look from over his shoulder that told me to play nice. "Pleased to meet you as well."
"Well, ladies, shall we?" he offered with a sweep of his arm toward the restaurant sitting just off the lobby.
His hand rested lightly at the small of my back, just how Edward had done so many times since I'd met him. With Edward, it felt natural, polite, and always made me want to melt into him. With Phil it made me stiff and uncomfortable, and I straightened my back as I walked in an effort to move away from his hand. Once we were settled in, further pleasantries were made until the waiter showed up. I was starving after my morning workout and asked for a spinach omelet and toast.
"Oh, no," Renee protested. "You know you can't eat that Isabella, it's way too many calories. She'll have a bowl of granola and half a grapefruit," she told the waiter, handing him the stack of our menus and dismissing him.
"Mom, I'm burning tons of calories, an omelet's not going to hurt anything," I said, though it was useless to fight her on it. She'd already gotten her way.
"By the looks of things you've been having a few too many omelets since you've moved here."
"I weigh the exact same I did back in Florida," I said defensively, "I haven't gained a single pound since I've been here."
"Hmm. Must just be your choice of attire then," she muttered.
"Come on, Renee, ease up on the poor kid, she looks good," Phil said, shooting me a slick wink that made me want to cringe and pull my sweater closer together to cover every inch of skin that was showing.
"Just lay off the omelets," she ordered, never willing to not have the last word. She then turned her attention to Phil, her face transforming from the sneer she'd directed at me to complete fascination. "So, Phil, why don't you fill Isabella in on some of the things we've been discussing? You have such wonderful ideas."
Phil and Renee completely took over, leaving me to try and absorb it all, barely getting more than a timid agreement in here and there and finally just giving up and silently chewing my granola, stabbing at my grapefruit with just a little more force than necessary out of frustration. It didn't matter if I didn't agree with something, that much was clear. The two of them had formed a solid union and there was no option but to strap in and go along for the ride. The main points I caught were more hours on the ice, more conditioning than I'd done in the past, more repetition, more strength training than I was used to, more sex appeal to my programs. Always more. Their talk alone wore me out and I really wished I'd just ordered that fucking omelet.
When Renee tried to shift things over into talk about endorsements and publicity was when I drew the line. One step at a time. I needed to have a shot at competing again before I went spouting off to press and sponsors. Luckily we'd finished eating by that point and I was able to make a quick escape, claiming I'd forgotten my skate bag back at my place and that I'd need to go back and retrieve it before meeting them over at the rink. I hadn't forgotten it, but the few extra minutes of reprieve were worth the annoyed look Renee shot me as I excused myself.
I couldn't sit in my car where I'd parked, if they passed by and saw me, she'd say something. I couldn't drive straight to the rink. I didn't want to go back to my place, just in case Alice and Rose were hanging around. I just didn't have it in me to try and act like everything was okay. The idea of potentially falling apart on some random side street just felt pathetic, and that's when it struck me. Edward's. He would still be gone so I wouldn't have to actually talk to anyone or face the disapproving looks from my friends at just how truly weak I was when it came to my mother, but I knew that just being somewhere close to him would comfort me.
Within a few short minutes, I'd pulled up in front of his house. His silver Volvo sat parked in the driveway as he'd hitched a ride to the airport with Emmett. I parked behind it and after a moment's hesitation, got out and climbed the few short steps to his porch, leaning back against the door and sliding down to sit on the cold cement.
I was so disgusted with myself. Renee had been in town less than twenty-four hours and already she'd swooped in and stolen the reins right back out of my hands. I hadn't even put up a fight. It's like I hadn't even had it in me to try.
Everything had been going so well these past few weeks. I'd finally felt like I'd started to find my place. I'd stood my guard to Renee on more than one occasion over the phone. Why was it so difficult for me to try when she was in front of me? Why did she always have so much power over me? I sat there for fifteen minutes, trying to draw strength from the place that held such warm memories, that held so much of Edward. Eventually I gave in, climbing back in my car and heading toward the rink, knowing I could only stay away so long before they'd realize I was taking longer than I should to grab my bag.
Pulling in, I saw a beige Cadillac parked outside, Renee's rental car no doubt. As I parked next to it, I remembered that she was unaware of the fact that I'd traded the Benz in. Great. One more thing to pile on the plate.
Feeling just slightly stronger after having a few moments to regroup, I cracked my neck and straightened my shoulders before pulling on the door, noticing Renee and Phil standing together by the bleachers. Something about the two of them together struck me as odd, but I couldn't narrow down exactly what it was.
"Why didn't you change at your apartment, Isabella? You can't skate in jeans. Go. Change," she ordered with a dismissive flick of her hand. I rolled my eyes and stalked off toward the locker room. So much for standing your ground, Bella.
Getting out on the ice with Phil was so different than the many times I'd stepped out on the very same surface over the past number of weeks on my own. There was no music drifting through the speakers or the ear buds of my iPod. There were no casual laps around the width to ease into the session.
After a quick stretch against the boards it was all go, go, go. Phil gave me three warm up laps before he started snapping out instructions. Shoulders back. Don't swing your arms so much. Smoother crosses with your legs. Longer strides. Not so stiff. Now you're too lax, tighten up. It was frustrating. It felt like every miniscule change I made to my form brought about a whole slew of more critiques.
This wasn't the way I worked. With Marcus, he was patient. He let me try to figure out my issues on my own at first, offering his pointers when it was clear I wasn't catching on to something on my own. With Phil, there were no chances to fix anything before he called out the next problem. If he was that harsh about my basic movements, I didn't even want to think about what he'd say when we actually had to work on techniques I knew I struggled with.
After only forty-five minutes with Phil, I knew I couldn't have him as a coach. I was ready to pull my hair out or just burst into frustrated tears. Renee was no help, she backed him up every time, mentioning that they were things she'd noticed before and how observant he was to catch so many flaws right up front. She'd give me these looks every once in awhile that just screamed, "You see? I told you this guy would be great."
By the end of the three-hour morning session I was spent. I'd never felt so clumsy on the ice in my entire life. Phil threw me off; he made me jittery, my movements stiff and jerky. I'd tripped up on more simple steps than I ever had before. Of course in Renee's mind the blame was solely at my feet. It was my fall and the time I'd been off the ice that made me struggle, not the fact that Phil was a demanding tyrant.
"Okay. Let's break for an hour, grab some lunch and come back to hit it again," Renee said, clapping her hands together as I pulled off my boots, repressing a groan at the aches in my feet.
"Again?" I sputtered in disbelief. Was she crazy? "What are you talking about? We went three hours, Mom."
"We have a lot of lost time to make up for. Three hours isn't going to be enough, especially with how rough you're looking right now. Honestly, Isabella. Even your scratch spin's looking wobbly. We've got a lot of work to do."
"I'm exhausted, Mom. Do we really have to do another session today? I'm not supposed to be pushing my knee so much yet."
"Your doctor released you for competitive training."
"Yes, but he also said to ease into it."
"And that's what we're doing. I haven't seen you try a single jump out there yet," she said, as if that was some sort of favor to me.
"Fine. Whatever. I'm going back to my place for an hour and a half. I'll meet you back here at three," I caved and stomped off before she could argue.
Back at my apartment I rinsed off, letting the jets pound a little of the tension from my shoulders. If I was in for another three hours of activity there was no way I was going back without washing off the sweat I'd already built up. I threw together a quick sandwich, slapping a second together when I devoured the first one in less than two minutes. When I'd finished I still had an hour to go. I took an ice pack from my freezer and decided it might be a good idea to sit with it on my knee for a little bit. It wasn't hurting, but there was something to be said for preventative measures.
As I sat there and caught my breath, I knew there was only one thing I wanted to do. Before I could hesitate, I dug out my phone and dialed Edward's number. I had no idea if he'd answer or what he'd be doing, but I just wanted to hear the sound of his voice. Something that could remind me that he was real, that the life I'd started making for myself here was real; that he hadn't disappeared like a wonderful dream that I was just now waking up from.
He didn't answer, but his voicemail was enough to calm me down, my eyes closing as I soaked in the husky tone of his voice requesting me to leave a message. I did so, just a quick little "Hey, sorry I missed you," before hanging up again. I wanted to go put on his jersey and slide under the covers and hide away. Instead I indulged in a loud groan before tossing the ice pack back in the freezer and heading back out the door.
Let the fun continue.
If I'd thought the morning was rough, it was nothing compared to the afternoon. Phil had me moving on to more complicated spins. The constant repetition combined with my drained energy level left me dizzy and off-balance. I had to step out of more than half of them, bending at the waist to try and gain back some sense of equilibrium.
It was in one of those moments that I heard the metallic clang of the arena doors followed by Renee's shrill voice calling out, "Young man, this is a closed practice. You can't be in here right now."
I glanced up, my hands still rested on my thighs as I tried to catch my breath. When I saw whom she was addressing, I couldn't stop the grin from spreading across my face. Every ache in my body, every tense crease to my brow, every worry disappeared at the sight of his crooked grin through the glass. I was off in a flash across the ice, gliding to the gate and unlatching it as Edward rounded the outside boards, not even seeming to have heard Renee's censure. He stepped right onto the ice and swooped me up into his arms, squeezing me tightly against his chest and holding my head close to his.
"You okay?" he whispered in my ear with faint concern tinting his tone.
"Yeah. I'm good," I responded against his cheek, because in that moment I was.
Until an irked "Ahem," sounded from behind him. I snuggled into him just a little more for one instant before pulling back, giving him a small nervous smile before taking his hand and turning us to face my mother who stood just outside the entrance to the ice, an expectant and annoyed lift to her brow.
"Edward, this is my mother, Renee. Mom, this is Edward."
"Ms. Swan," Edward greeted politely, though his voice was colder than I'd ever heard it. He held out his hand and she glared at it for a moment before giving him the briefest handshake I'd ever witnessed. I would have been mortified if I didn't catch the slight smirk on Edward's lips.
She immediately dismissed him, focusing in directly on me. "We're not finished here, Isabella."
"Mom, we've been at this all day," I complained.
"We're not finished," she repeated slowly, punctuating each word.
"Just give me a minute then. Please?"
"Take it outside," she finally conceded, turning to walk away, calling back over her shoulder, "There's no street shoes allowed on the ice."
"I don't think your mom likes me very much," Edward whispered as he crouched next to where I sat on the bleachers to take my skates off. I glanced up at him to try and apologize for her when I realized he wasn't the slightest bit upset. Instead he seemed amused.
"She doesn't like anyone very much," I whispered back, enjoying the sound of his laughter as he took my hand to walk with me out the doors to the arena.
Once we were outside, he bent down to scoop me up, lifting me right off my feet until I could wrap my legs around his waist, his arms holding me securely against his chest as I circled my arms around his neck, leaning my head down to breathe in his scent. I never even noticed that he'd moved until he set me down on a picnic table nearby, sitting me just on the ledge so he could stand between my legs, his hands cupping my face and combing back into my hair as he pressed a lingering kiss to my forehead.
"How are you doing? Are you sure you're okay?"
"Yeah," I exhaled, closing my eyes and enjoying the feel of his cheek rested against my brow, my hands sliding up his arms to circle his wrists lightly, anchoring myself to him. "It was a little bit of a shock. She just showed up last night when I was over at Alice's."
"She mentioned that this afternoon. Alice. She came and got us from the airport," he clarified, pulling back just a little, his eyes searching my face for something, probably to see for himself that everything was really alright.
"I'm sorry we didn't get to talk last night," I murmured, reaching up and grazing my knuckles lightly over his jaw line.
"I missed you," he said, lifting my chin with his index finger before fitting his lips over mine. I sighed into his kiss but couldn't let myself go entirely. I felt like Renee's eyes were all around me and I couldn't stomach the thought of her seeing me like this. It felt too private, too perfect.
"I missed you too," I whispered as I pulled back, rubbing my lips together and savoring his taste. "Congratulations, by the way. One more to go, right?"
"Let's hope so. For regular season, at least," he chuckled.
"You looked great out there."
"It's tough work being a superstar, but somebody's got to do it," he mocked with feigned exhaustion and I snorted, smacking playfully at his chest.
"I should get back. I'd rather not get scolded any more for slacking off," I muttered, sliding off the edge of the table, where I was pulled instantly into Edward's arms once more.
"Don't let her push you around, okay?"
I sighed, snuggling into him just a little more without answering. I couldn't promise him that. Because, no matter how many times I'd told myself that I needed to break out of her grasp, she somehow always managed to pull me back in.
After Edward left, I crept back inside, hoping to strap back into my skates and get out on the ice before Renee could say anything. Neither she nor Phil were anywhere in sight though. I glanced around as I sat on the bleachers, trying to figure out where they could have gone. Then, just as I'd finished tying my laces and tugged my arm warmers back into place, I saw them emerge together from the locker room, Phil swiping at his chin, my mother's perfect clothes in the slightest state of disarray and a satisfied smirk on her face.
That's when I figured out what was so weird between them. They were sleeping together, I was sure of it. I'd seen that look on my mother's face countless times before, after she'd returned home from her latest conquest. The knowledge punched me right in the gut, but I didn't have any time to process it before Phil called out for me to get back on the ice.
x-x-x
The following afternoon, I told Renee I was cutting out at five. The group had made plans to hang out and relax before their big game the next afternoon. She didn't protest nearly as much as I'd have expected, probably because it would give her and Phil more time alone together. I couldn't process my feelings on that matter. I felt hurt and betrayed, though I couldn't really explain why. It had something to do with the fact that I really didn't like him and she so clearly fawned over his every word. It was like she was choosing him over me.
"Plans with your little friends?" she inquired as I packed up my bag.
"Yes, actually."
"I don't know why you bother," she baited me, and of course I couldn't stop myself from biting at the lure.
"With what?"
"You don't fit in."
"You've never even met them," I argued.
"I don't have to meet them to know that. You're a novelty to these people, something shiny and new and interesting. You're a figure skater and people think that's cool. They see that you lead a life that seems glamorous and is entirely different from their own and they want a taste of it. Someday they'll be able to tell people how they once knew Isabella Swan. It'll be a conversation starter at their dinner parties. That's all you'll be to them. You don't belong here. You'll never belong here. They'll all tire of you soon enough. Especially your little boyfriend. When you don't give him what he needs, he'll toss you aside and move on to the next."
"You don't know him. You don't know a thing about him. Edward cares about me," I insisted, though my words sounded weak, even to my own ears. As she spoke I could feel myself wilting, curling into myself as her venom spread through my veins.
"You think so now. Just wait and see."
I couldn't stay. I snatched up my bag and practically sprinted out of the arena, jumping into my car and blindly jabbing my key into the ignition as hot tears filled my eyes.
I knew better than to listen to her. I knew these people and they'd shown me in so many ways that they truly cared about me. It was that voice. Renee's voice that always sounded so certain. The same way she'd spoken to me for my entire life, the one I'd always believed. I could feel the doubt seeping in through the cracks. I wanted so badly to just pass her words off as a pack of blatant lies, but I couldn't squash that tiny little part of me that wondered if there was a grain of truth to her words.
That night when the six of us went out, I couldn't get Renee's words out of my head. I felt like I was in some sort of out of body experience. Part of me was trying to laugh and joke around with them like always, while another part stood to the side with a skeptical eye, trying to dig beneath the surface of every word and action of the five people in my company, searching for any hints of ulterior motives or hidden meanings, condescension or pity in their looks at me. I never found any, but still I couldn't stop looking for them.
I felt stiff and awkward with them in a way I never had before. I had to stop myself from flinching away any time one of them touched me, even in the most casual ways. The skeptical part of me was worried about opening myself up to them any more than I already had. What if Renee was right? I felt like it would kill me if that were the case, if one day they all just got bored and went back to their normal lives without me. I'd already felt the stab of betrayal from Charlie and I wasn't nearly as vulnerable where he was concerned. No, after years of neglect I shouldn't have been surprised at Charlie's actions. But if it happened with Emmett. Or Alice. Or Edw... I couldn't even think of it. I wouldn't survive it. Not if I didn't rein back some part of myself to keep locked away from them. From everyone.
Halfway through the night, Alice pulled me away from the group.
"What's going on, Bella?" she asked quietly once she had me on my own.
"What do you mean?"
"You've just been acting a little weird tonight. Like you're uncomfortable or something."
"No I haven't," I said a bit defensively as I folded my arms in front of me, even though I knew I must have been. There's no way I could have been acting normal with the mess that was going on in my head.
"Yeah, Bells," Rose spoke up as she stepped over to join us. "You have."
I didn't answer. I couldn't even look at them because I was worried they'd see right through me like they so often did.
"We're not mad, Bella, we're just worried about you. I know your mom stressed you out when she wasn't in town and now she's here," Alice faded off. "We just want to make sure you're okay."
"Yeah. I'm okay," I nodded, glancing up at them quickly before averting my eyes again, trying to add some sense of assertion to my claim. "I'm alright. Just tired, I guess. It's been a long week." It was the truth, but a lame excuse just the same.
"Okay. Well, we're here if you need to talk. Three in the morning or whenever. We're here if you need us."
I nodded to placate them, but already knew I couldn't open up to them, not about this.
Though I was surrounded by people, some who I'd become very close to, I felt entirely alone. No one could understand what Renee did to me and I didn't want to make them understand. I didn't want them in on that pathetic part of my life, my personality. So instead, I hid that part deep down for the rest of the night, and tried to act like the Bella they'd come to know, the Bella that thought she could belong here.
x-x-x
Saturday morning I drove to the rink, hoping to appease Renee with a few extra hours on the ice so that I could make an escape for the guys' game later that afternoon. She'd been cooperative the night before, after all.
I should have known better by now.
As soon as I walked in, Renee hailed me over to where she stood with both Phil and another woman. She was thin and bleach blonde with a severe face and cold gray eyes. She looked vaguely familiar but I couldn't place her.
"Isabella, this is Heidi Shapiro," Renee introduced me, and that's when it clicked. Heidi was a big time choreographer amongst the senior level competitors. She was best known for a rather daring interpretation of Carmen she'd done for Tanya Denali six years earlier that won the twenty-eighth ranked skater a bronze at Nationals. Heidi had solid, creative programs. But they weren't me. At all. They were always very flirtatious, sometimes suggestive. Her music selections were bold where I preferred soft and classic. Elegance and grace versus fire and sex.
I greeted her politely before requesting Renee to step away with me for a moment. Once we'd stepped into the locker room, I turned on her.
"What is she doing here?" I whispered angrily.
"She is here as a very large favor. You need strong programs if you want to get back on top of the pack. Heidi's programs paired with the right skater are a guaranteed win."
"They're not me, Mom. She's totally not my style."
"Your style shifts with each program," she countered. "That's your job. It's acting."
"I don't feel comfortable-"
"Competition isn't about comfort," she cut in. "If you're comfortable you're not pushing yourself."
"Marcus and I always choreographed my programs together."
"Marcus isn't here, and you're not a strong enough choreographer to do it on your own."
"How would you know if you've never given me the chance?"
"Now's not the time to play around. You need someone who knows what they're doing."
"Why today?" I asked, switching gears when I accepted that I wouldn't get anywhere with her on that point. "Why didn't you tell me she was coming here?"
"She's very busy right now. She's in very high demand and I wasn't sure we could nab her. She could only be here for one day and then it'll be a few weeks before she can return. She needs to look at you to get a feel for your skill level and technique. When she returns she'll have your long and short put together."
"Just like that, huh? What if I don't like her programs?"
"It's not a matter of like or dislike. It's a matter of what's going to get results. Now, let's get out there. She has a flight tonight at nine. We've got a lot to do between now and then."
"I'm supposed to-" I started to protest and faded off under the intensity of her stare. There was no point in even mentioning the game. She'd laugh at the idea that I'd want to go to some silly hockey game rather than work with a world-renowned choreographer. "Nevermind. I'll be out in a minute."
I thought about calling, but knew I'd get wrapped up in talking to him and would only end up getting snapped at by Renee again for wasting valuable time. So instead, I sent a quick text to Alice, letting her know I wouldn't be able to make it so they wouldn't worry, then typing out another to Edward, hesitating before I sent the message.
I can't be at the game tonight. Something came up that I can't get out of. I'm so sorry. I'll call you later. Good luck! -B
It seemed so pathetic and not nearly enough, but when Renee rapped on the door, I decided it would have to do, sending it off and silencing my phone as I exited the locker room.
x-x-x
Pulling up in front of Edward's house the next morning, I was a little nervous. Edward had seemed okay the night before when I'd finally gotten to check in with him after the game, obviously disappointed that I hadn't been able to make it, but not angry; at least that I could tell. I wished he would be angry. I deserved his anger for letting him down, for not standing my ground, for being such a fucking weakling when it came to my mother.
All the steps I'd taken, all the progress I'd made toward breaking off on my own, toward building my own life. What had taken me weeks to accomplish had only taken hours, moments really, to destroy. I was back at ground zero and I couldn't find the strength to start climbing again. I wanted him to be angry with me so I'd feel better about the fact that I hated myself.
Instead, he greeted me with a smile, open arms, and a soft kiss, as though nothing had changed. And maybe for him nothing had changed. Maybe it was just me who felt like my entire being had been taken apart and rearranged in the wrong order over the past few days.
"I'm so sorry," I whispered against his neck as he held me.
"Hey, what did I say last night? Stop apologizing, Bella. Things come up. I know that. I'm sorry you missed it, but I understand, okay?" he urged me to accept his words, pulling back just far enough to rub his nose against mine in that sign of affection that had become so thoroughly ours.
"You shouldn't have to be so understanding. I should have been there. I told you I would be," I murmured, placing my hands on his chest and focusing in on one of the letters printed on the fabric there.
"Bella, it was just a game."
"It was important to you," I insisted, looking up into his eyes.
"And there will be others. Don't worry so much about it, Beautiful. I'm not," he said, brushing my hair back and dipping his head down to kiss me softly.
I still felt bad for missing something so important, but knew it was pointless to continue wallowing in guilt, at least out loud. Instead, I fixed a smile on my face and asked, "So what did you want to do today? I have the whole day off."
"I just want to stay right here with you. I've missed you these last few days," he said, taking my hand and pulling me over to the couch so we could lie back against the cushions.
"I know. Things are busy right now," I sighed as he tucked me up next to him, our feet lazily rubbing against each other's.
"For both of us. How's your training coming along?"
"Okay I guess. Phil's...well, he's tough. I don't really like him, but I said I'd give him two weeks, so-"
"What don't you like about him?" he asked, stroking my hair in a way that never failed to instantly soothe me.
"I don't know. I just feel like he brings out the worst in me. I never feel like I'm getting anything right, he's always so critical, never says anything positive. I don't need a coach to blow smoke up my skirt and tell me how wonderful I am, don't get me wrong. It's just hard to hear so much negativity all the time," I muttered as I toyed with the buttons of his overshirt.
"I'm sure you're doing great. It's only been a few days, Bella," he said, trying to be encouraging.
"I know. I'm just impatient I guess. I want to be back to doing everything I used to be able to do."
"You'll get there soon."
"Yeah," I breathed, nuzzling into the nook of his shoulder just a little more. I hoped that was the case, but at this rate I couldn't be sure.
"So, you don't think you're going to stick with Phil?" he asked after a moment.
"I don't want to. I like my old coach. Phil just makes me uncomfortable. Sometimes-" I stopped myself, not really sure if I should say anything. I didn't really have proof after all, and what good would it do to talk about?
"What?" he said, urging me to continue.
"I think he and Renee are together. Like together together."
"What, like sleeping together?" he asked, his hands stilling in my hair.
"Yeah."
"Have you talked to her about it?"
"No. I wouldn't even know what to say," I mumbled into his chest, stroking the unbuttoned seam of his shirt as his fingers returned to their comforting movement through the strands of my hair.
"Well, how does it make you feel?" he asked, kissing my forehead and leaving his lips to rest there.
"I don't know. Hurt? Confused? I don't understand why she'd do that to me. I mean, maybe it has nothing to do with me and they really like each other, but it just bothers me. I don't know if she was already with him before she decided to push him on me or if she wanted him for my coach first and they got together after. Either way, it bothers me."
"Then tell her that," he entreated me, his soft lips speaking against my skin. "You can't successfully work with a coach if there's so much festering under the surface.
"I know. Maybe," I yielded, unsure I'd be able to actually bring up the awkward situation with her. I knew Edward wouldn't accept a 'maybe,' he'd keep talking until he was sure I'd do something about it. I could already feel him taking a breath to launch into the discussion further, so I changed tactics and went for evasion. "So, playoffs. Are you excited?"
"Yeah," he said after a moment's hesitation, obviously reluctant to let the subject go, but hopefully understanding that I couldn't give him more at this point than I already had. "It's going to be crazy, but we've got a good team this year. Hopefully we'll have a good shot at going far."
"You're gonna do great," I said, lifting my head from his chest to gaze into his eyes. "I mean it. You're so amazing out there."
"We'll see how things go," he said, twirling a lock of my hair between his fingers. "I hate that there's so much back and forth, it gets old pretty quickly."
"You're away first, right?" I asked, already a little nervous about that fact. He'd been gone before and I'd been fine, but I already felt so shaky, even with him there beside me.
"Yeah, for a few days. I'm going to miss you, Bella. So much," he whispered, leaning forward to meet my lips with his.
"I'll miss you too," I sighed, kissing him once more before resting my head back on his chest and saying what I thought we both wanted to hear. "It'll go fast, I'm sure. You'll have so much going on."
"Not enough. It already feels like forever and I haven't even left you yet," he lamented, squeezing me tight for just a moment.
"Yeah," I agreed.
We lay there in silence for some time, content to be together at the moment and dreading the days of separation to come, at least for my part. Of course in the silence, my mind had room to wander and it wandered to just the place I didn't want it to.
He'll tire of you soon enough. When you don't give him what he needs, he'll toss you aside and move on to the next, Renee's voice hissed like a snake in my ear.
In all the times we'd been together, he'd been so careful with me, almost hesitant. He was so open with physical affection, but only to a certain point, and though I knew he'd mentioned something about self-control that day he'd rubbed me down with Mineral Ice, I couldn't help but wonder if it was something more than that.
"Edward, can I ask you something?" I whispered as I raised my head from his chest. He didn't answer, simply brushed my hair back behind my ears and waited for me to continue. I opened my mouth to speak and couldn't get the words out. I didn't think I could stand to hear him answer if it would be anything that could fit with Renee's claims. So instead I leaned in and whispered, "Kiss me."
His hand curled around to cup my neck and urge my lips down to his, exhaling on a groan as our mouths melted together, a blend of warm, soft lips and wet, grazing tongues. I moaned as he traced my lower lip with the tip of his tongue before thrusting it between my lips, my hand fisting the fabric of his shirt as his tightened it's grasp on my hair. I needed more. I needed him to touch me, to show me how much he wanted me. To make me believe I belonged here with him and that he couldn't let me go, ever. Filled with determination, I shifted on the couch, throwing one leg over his body and lifting myself up to straddle him, my lips never leaving his.
Edward moaned deeply at the change of our positions, and I greedily swallowed the sound emitting from his throat. His hands immediately dropped to my hips, either to hold me back or aide me, his fingers clenched in tight fists around the hem of my shirt. Instantly, I felt the hard length of him pressed up against me, the evidence of his desire that I was searching for, that I craved. I pressed myself against him, my hips straining to feel him even closer before his hands tightened and stilled my movements and he tore his mouth from mine.
"Bella," he groaned, his eyes clenched closed and his brow creased in concentration. I wasn't ready to stop yet. I could still feel those cracks in my heart that were swelling with Renee's poison and I wanted something to flush it out and fill them again. I lowered my lips to his neck, pressing wet, open-mouthed kisses up the length of it, feeling the muscles practically vibrating in strain beneath their trail. When I reached the juncture of his neck and his jaw, I fastened my lips to the tender skin and sucked, my hips trying to fight against the unyielding force of his hands.
"Jesus Christ, Bella. Stop. Please, God, you have to stop," he asserted, practically throwing me off him, but only to rest against the back cushions of the couch, his body still lined against mine.
"What is it, Edward? Did I do something wrong?"
He rubbed his hands furiously over his face and groaned. "No, you silly irresistible woman. Fucking Christ, you were doing everything absolutely right and that's what's wrong."
"Why?" I asked, completely confused and trying to fight the sting of rejection.
"Because, Bella. You're not ready for that. No," he continued quickly when I opened my mouth to speak, "I know that I always tell you that you need to let me make decisions for myself and I'm not trying to do that here. I know it sounds like it and it might be a little, but sex, taking that step, it's important. At least it should be and it is for me. I don't want that to be something casual that just happens at some random time. Not with you. You're too important. This is too important."
"But it's not just sex, Edward. You won't let me touch you; you barely touch me, at least not in that way. Why are you always so quick to pull away from me?" I asked, unable to keep the hurt entirely out of my voice.
"Bella," he breathed, cupping my cheek and nudging my face up so I was forced to make eye contact with him. "I want you to touch me. I love that you want to try different things with me. I don't want to discourage you from doing that. And I so badly want to touch you. I want to memorize every inch of your skin and find every little spot that makes you sigh and moan my name," he whispered, trailing his index finger down the length of my throat and drifting across my collarbone.
"Then why don't you?"
"I'm afraid to let myself go with you," he admitted, staring deeply into my eyes. "I just- I want you so badly and I'm afraid if I don't stop myself quickly enough I'll push you further than you're ready. And I'm not sure you'd tell me to stop, even if you weren't ready."
"I probably wouldn't," I conceded, brushing a lock of hair back from his brow. "I just feel so wonderful every time I'm with you, especially like this, I guess I get a little swept away at times."
"We'll get there, Bella. And you're right; we can try things without taking it too far too soon. I'll work on it, okay?"
I nodded and dropped my head back down to his chest, feeling the slightest bit better about the situation. We lay there curled together in silence for a few minutes before Edward asked, "Are you hungry? Do you want to go find something to eat?"
"No. Can we just stay here for a little longer? Just like this?" I pleaded.
"As long as you want, Beautiful," he sighed and shifted us just a little so we could lie together comfortably. "There's no where else I'd rather be."
After just a few moments of lying together, Edward started to hum softly. I felt the vibrations of his chest against my cheek just as much as I heard the low sound in my ear. I recognized the tune right away, a soft smile gracing my lips as I closed my eyes, snuggling into him as he began to quietly sing the lyrics of the chorus.
"If I lay here, if I l just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?" he crooned. My mind emptied, every thought of Renee and Phil and playoffs and stress simply fading away until there was nothing but Edward and I and that moment. I drifted off before he could finish the song.
x-x-x
Monday morning the team departed for Calgary where they'd be starting their first series of the playoffs against the Flames. Their first two games would take place away, keeping them out of town until Friday. I'd been able to see them off when Renee cut practice short, claiming she had plans that evening. I didn't even care that her plans most likely involved Phil; I was just so excited to get to see Edward once more before he departed. I didn't want him to leave for most of the week without getting to say goodbye.
What I didn't count on was that when he left, he took the only part of me with him that had a chance at standing up to my mother.
When he left, he took everything with him, and of course the fact that I was so weak without him made me even more ashamed. I felt like a shadow that had lost its body, detached and just a wisp of the person I'd become, a person I'd been happy with. The worst part was that I knew how wrong it was. I was completely conscious of the fact that I was slowly disappearing, falling back under Renee's grasping control, but I felt completely powerless to stop it, there were no branches to cling to pull myself back out of the quicksand.
Even though he called, I never had the opportunity to speak to him. I couldn't have my cell phone on at the rink, which was almost all the time now. I had more missed calls than answered ones and by the time I'd get around to calling him back, he'd be busy and I'd reach his voicemail. It was a frustrating game of phone tag that made me feel hopeless that I'd ever get to hear from him on anything other than a short message. My own were always brief and vague, not wanting to drag him down by my misery and loneliness. Even my texts were sparse and no more than a "Great game" after their first win or the occasional "I miss you."
I didn't see the girls. Every once in awhile there'd be a message from one of them mixed in with the ones from Edward. I didn't even make it to their place to watch the guys' game, as Renee had wanted me to join her for dinner that night.
Without them, without him, there was just nothing. There was only Renee and she fed on my weakness like a shark scenting blood in the water. I was withering away and the realization made me want to simultaneously curl up and cry, and to step out of my own body so I could turn around and slap the shit out of myself for being such an idiot.
At just after noon on Wednesday, Renee and I were seated at a small deli to discuss 'strategy' over lunch. For Renee, that ranged from what competitions I'd need to register for to costume and make-up decisions, sponsors we needed to woo to press outlets she'd be trying to set up interviews and appearances with, and everything in between.
All her talking gave me a headache. I didn't want to fly to New York to speak with ABC News and then clear across the country for a Sports Illustrated photo shoot. I didn't want to pose for a MAC ad in nothing but a pair of figure skates and some lip-gloss.
I couldn't think about anything other than the fact that this had just started and I already felt completely dried up. Maybe I couldn't do this anymore. Maybe I wasn't cut out for the ruthless competition and the circus that surrounded it at this point in my life. I didn't feel a drop of passion or desire to skate when I stepped out on to the ice to work with Phil. Maybe I was done. I'd have to find something else to do and skating could just be a nice little hobby.
That thought broke my heart. After all the work I'd put in already, I couldn't stomach the idea of quitting, but I honestly didn't know how much longer I could last like this.
"Bella?" a familiar voice snapped my out of my haze and my head whipped around to see Esme making her way toward our table. "I thought that was you. I'm so happy to see you," she said warmly as she leaned down and kissed my cheek.
"Esme. Hi," I responded, feeling the instant comfort she always gave me trying to fight off the stiffness of knowing my mother was right there judging me.
"We missed you at the game on Saturday."
"Oh, yeah. I'm sorry. I had uh, something," I stammered, my gaze flitting uncomfortably back and forth between her and Renee.
"How are you doing, Sweetheart? How are you feeling?" she asked before she took notice of my companion. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize I was interrupting."
"No. Not at all," I assured her, grateful for the fact that she had. If I had to hear one more word on publicity, I might have lost my lunch.
"Actually, Isabella, we were in the middle of something," Renee said tightly with a pointed look.
"I apologize, you must be Renee. I'm Esme Cullen," she introduced herself, offering her hand to my mother. When Renee took hers, I was struck by the differences between them. They looked fairly alike, similar builds, though Renee stood a good three inches taller, both dressed in elegant, designer clothes. Esme was paler, yet everything about her projected softness and warmth. Renee was all hard lines, cold and harsh. They couldn't have been more different, in my opinion.
"Cullen?" Renee asked curiously.
"Yes. My husband's been working with Bella on getting her knee fixed up, and my children have all become very close with her. You must be very proud, Bella's a very remarkable woman," Esme said, brushing her hand down the length of my ponytail.
"That's nice of you to say, Mrs. Cullen."
"Not at all, it's simply the truth," she returned with a warm smile, though I could detect the slightest hint of steel beneath the softness of her tone.
"Yes, well, as I said, Mrs. Cullen, Isabella and I were in the middle of something," Renee said, clearly trying to hurry her along.
"So you said. Bella, do you think you could walk me out?" Esme requested, "It'll just take a moment."
"Of course, Esme," I said, pushing my chair back and standing quickly, eager to escape, even for just a few seconds.
"Isabella-"
"Mom, it'll just take a second. We have plenty of time before we're supposed to be back at the rink," I reminded her, walking away with Esme before she could argue any further.
"I'm so sorry, Esme," I immediately started once we'd stepped outside and out of Renee's sight.
"For what, dear?"
"For her," I said, gesturing feebly back toward the restaurant where Renee still sat.
"You have nothing to apologize to me for, Bella. Her actions are her own. Are you doing alright?" she questioned softly, rubbing her hand over my cheek.
I nodded, unable to look at her or even open my mouth. It had been easier to pass things off with Alice and Rose, but just Esme's soft voice was enough to make the tears well in my eyes.
"Bella, sweetheart, look at me," she urged in that soft, firm voice of hers. "You can tell me."
"It's just hard," I relented. She might be the only person I knew who had a shot at understanding. "Having her here, the new coach, getting back to training, and now Edward's gone. I'm okay. It's just a lot going on."
"You've made such great strides over the last few months, Bella. You just need to remember that. I know it's hard. It's a lot easier to fight when the force isn't right there in your face."
"Yeah," I agreed, sniffling back the tears that threatened to escape.
"Edward called last night. I know he's worried about you."
"He shouldn't worry. He's got so much else going on that he should be thinking about."
"Nevertheless. He'll always be thinking about you. That's what people do when they care. No matter how busy they get. I know it's hard, honey, but let him be there for you. He wants to be there for you," she said, waiting for my nod before she responded in kind. "I should let you get back inside. We should do lunch sometime next week. I'd love to catch up with you more."
"Yeah, sure, Esme. That'd be nice."
"You stay strong, Sweetheart. Don't be scared to call if you need anything," she said, hugging me close for just a moment. I had to physically stop myself from just banding my arms around her like chains to keep her there with me. Instead, I returned her hug with weak arms and let her go, walking back inside to face Renee alone once more.
I wanted to be strong as Esme had proposed, but I felt so very weak. I didn't know how I ever managed to live for so long like this, so lifeless and alone, always cowering, always backing down. Now that I knew that life could be different, that I'd tasted it for myself, it made the return all the more distressing.
x-x-x
A/N: So…Bella's a little emo, I know. Don't lose faith in our girl yet, she's got a lot going on.
Next update will post over the weekend. Until then…I will still tease reviews for the next segment. Let me know what you think of the drama so far!