XX

Cristina's POV:

A cup of coffee in one hand and a cup of juice in the other I headed down the corridors, fully aware that Mere's 911 call was just a way to get some company, to not be left out of the loop. After a three hour surgery, four pre-op checks, two dead patients and the doctors falling to pieces around me over Richard's death, the last few hours had somehow managed to be more stressful than the night before. I felt as if I was walking in a daze, Richard was dead, Owen and I were over, Mere was alive, Mark was adorable, Jackson and April were getting together and Callie and Arizona were falling apart. So much had happened, and I for one was exhausted.

"Shit." I muttered as I turned the corridor and walked into Owen, far too busy in my head to notice him before our heads hit, and my coffee almost spilled down his shirt. He opened his mouth to say something, something that I didn't want to hear no doubt, something that I couldn't hear. Turning my back to him, I hurried off back down the corridor, finding a different route to Mere's room, preferably a people free one. Pushing open the door to the staircase, I let the door swing shut behind me as I rested my head against the wood and took a deep breath.

I liked the stairs in this hospital, not to walk down or run up, but as a reminder. It was less painful than the tunnels, and I could sit here, practically undisturbed for a few minutes between surgeries. No one had died in this staircase, Alex had almost died in the lift, Charles died beside the lift, George had died in the OR, Richard died in the basement, Izzie had almost died all over the place in here, Mere had almost died, this hospital was tainted with their blood, but not this staircase.

People had a tendency to slam open these doors as they ran up these stairs, and by people I of course mean interns. Pushing myself off the door, I slowed headed up the steps, trying not to see the death, the death that was always present in this place, but remembering when George had yelled about sleeping with Mere before falling down the staircase. Or where I had argued with Burke over numerous issues, or when Jackson and I sat side by side on the steps after the shooting, trying to mend ourselves in the silence.

"Did you get lost or something?" Mere asked as I shut the door behind me, alerting her of my presence in the room. The blinds were already shut, she must have been sleeping, or at least attempting to.

"I walked into Owen, literally." I sighed as I handed Mere her orange juice, then took a sip of my coffee before placing it on the bedside table and walking over to see Mark. I may not want children, ever, but that didn't mean I didn't love Zola, Sofia and now Mark. Leaning over him, I kissed his tiny forehead, trying to drink in his innocence before straightening up and climbing onto the bed next to Mere.

"Oh." Mere answered as she wrapped her arm around me, letting me rest my head against the pillow as I felt my eyelids droop. I was exhausted, we all were, we were emotionally and physically drained. Richard was dead, he was dead, and we had to keep working, we all had to keep working. "So are you..." Mere asked, I could feel her eyes on me even though my eyes were shut, letting my mind adjust to the darkness that was these last few days.

"We're done, we're over, whatever we were, we aren't anymore." I replied, opening my eyes and looking at Mere. She nodded along, she had heard this all before, more than once, a lot more than once. It was inevitable really, but it was time for that to end, it had to end.

"You always say that, and you always get back together." Mere answered patiently. Her eyes now resting on the top of Mark's head, he was gorgeous, he really was, to me he still just looked like a baby, he didn't look like Mere or Derek, but he was cute.

"I know, but this time is different." I insisted. This time had to be different, I couldn't feel like this again, I had felt like this far too often over the last few weeks, months and even years. Except now, now Richard was dead, and everything was different, I didn't feel angry, I didn't feel sad, I just felt empty. Empty and tired.

"You always say that too." Mere said, taking another sip of orange juice as she smiled over at Mark who was still sleeping quietly. Mere was strong, I knew that, we all knew that, but she was shaken by Richard's death far more than most, he was practically her father, they were close and now he was dead.

"I know, but it has to be different this time Mere, I can't do it again, I can't keep feeling like this. I love him, so I have to leave him, for good. Can we talk about something else." I answered, not sure whether I was convincing her or me. In that on call room I knew, I knew what I was saying had to be, I knew that we couldn't fool ourselves anymore. Nothing had changed. He wanted children, I couldn't take that away from him, I wouldn't. I wanted surgery, I wanted to learn more, to hold hearts in my hands, to repair them in a way that most deemed impossible, I still had so much to do, and that was my passion, that was enough for me.

"So what am I missing out there?" Mere asked after a few seconds of silent, my eyes shut as she hugged me. At least I was living with Alex, I had a room there, and not everything was tainted with memories of Owen, making it harder than it was. I had Mere, I had surgery and I had Callie, whose relationship still had a chance, Callie who needed me almost as much as I needed her, her and Mere and Alex. Alex who was finally happy, I couldn't destroy that, I couldn't drag him down with me, not now, not after everything he had been through, not after Izzie and Ava and Lucy Fields.

"Bailey's still under, Callie needs to get drunk again tonight, I'm avoiding Owen, and everyone is crying." I answered, trying not to think about Richard, trying not to think about any of it, but failing, miserably, and repeatedly.

"I should visit her." Mere muttered, her eyes resting on Mark again, and it looked as though he was helping her stay calm, I hope he was, she needed something to keep her calm today. I would no doubt get paged soon and Derek would be in surgery most of the day, people would pop in every so often but otherwise it was just Mere and Mark today.

"We should. But you can't take Mark up to the psych ward and I could get paged any minute." I replied. Bailey was our teacher, she was, no she is the Nazi, she had to be okay. But she wasn't okay. Right now she was upstairs, sedated to high heaven and she wasn't herself, Richard was dead, we couldn't lose Bailey too. She should be in the hospital, bossing us around as usual, not in bed on a drip, dead to the world.

"I will visit her." I added. I hate psych, the people there scream, or they don't speak at all, some of them don't belong there, some of them do. It must be worse for Alex, it might remind him on his mother, of his brother, he probably won't visit Bailey because of it and Mere can't. George is dead and Izzie is gone, out of the five of us, I will be her only intern to visit, which means I have to.

Closing my eyes as my head drops to the pillow again, I empty my mind, I empty it of memory, of emotion, of thought. With Mere by my side, I listen to her breathing, I listen to Mark's and I listen to mine.

Beep beep!

My pager breaks the peaceful silence that has fallen over the room, snatching it up off the bedside table without opening my eyes I turn it off, not wanting to wake Mark.

"I have to go." I sighed as I opened my eyes and reluctantly stood up off the bed. Why couldn't I have an hour to rest, just an hour to clear my mind to sleep, although surgery would be better. "I feel empty." I added as Mere smiled at me, I wrapped around the cool metal of the door handle and pulled the door open before stepping into the hallway, leaving Mere's door open, leaving the peaceful of that room, leaving my thoughts behind. The ER was obviously still open, which meant something else had happened, which meant surgeries, which meant distractions.

Which was exactly what I needed.

XX

AN: Had no idea I had left such a big gap between chapters, sorry about that. Don't worry though I have the next few chapters written so updates will be coming soon, and the chapters will slowly be getting longer. Make sure to check out my other greys fics and please review.