Chapter 10: On the Turning Away
The remainder of the summer was without incident. Rose slowly warmed back up to her parents and Hugo was the same happy-go-lucky kid he'd always been. They spent much of their time with the Weasleys and Grangers, going to visit family and seeing sites around Britain; with Hermione and Ron both working, it was difficult to schedule family time often. But before the kids went back to school, Hermione planned a family day for them to go get all their supplies in Diagon Alley, have dinner somewhere fancy and see a film. After sending all the goodies they'd bought for school home, they walked to a new Italian restaurant recently opened. They waited thirty minutes before she knew Ron wasn't coming and ushered the kids into the restaurant.
"You can order whatever you'd like, even dessert for dinner." She laughed, looking at Hugo who had a serious sweet tooth that plagued his grandparents desperately.
"We haven't been to a film in a long time." He replied, having turned his menu to the back, forgetting all the delicious meals throughout to order a delicious dessert.
"With a muggle-born Mum, I'm surprised we don't do more things like this, I'll have to remedy that next summer. What'll you have Rose?" Rose's fingers taped the edges of the menu, she looked as indecisive as her father.
"I think I'll have manicotti." Hermione was surprised by this, Rose rarely ordered anything but traditional spaghetti.
"That sounds delicious. I think I'll have the spaghetti and meatballs or maybe the Eggplant parmesan. Hugo?"
"Italian creme cake and a side of fries." They three laughed, enjoying a family dinner together and knowing the next day they'd be off to school again. She sometimes wondered how her parents had done this, finding out their daughter was magical and sending her off to a school in the Scottish Highlands, eventually facing a terrible enemy. Looking at her children, she was desperate to keep them home, to hold them tight and hope that no evil befell them.
Hours later, after seeing a new superhero movie, wherein Hugo agreed with Rose that their Uncle Harry was better, Hermione and the kids returned home to a quiet, empty house. The kids scrambled to bed as excited as she had been before school each year, and around midnight, after working on the paperwork for the next assignment of the task force, Hermione heard Ron bumble in, walk up the stairs, and directly to her door. After a light rapping, she heard her name, but cast muffliato on the room because she was afraid she would lay into him and the kids would hear.
"Where were you? No owl, nothing?" Trying to remain calm, she dropped her files and stood to meet him, closing her door.
"We found a stash of acromantulas and had to hand them over to the creatures division and we lost track of time. I'm sorry." But Hermione lost it; every missed dinner, every late evening promised to make up, every forgotten anniversary or birthday, every inconsiderate thing he'd done in their marriage boiled and made her explode.
"You're so selfish! We won't see our children again until Christmas and you couldn't get one of your colleagues to take the contraband for you? As I live and breathe, could you not for one day pretend you care more about us than your job?"
"That's rich coming from you." He spat back, casting another muffliato just to make sure the room was as soundproof as possible.
"Rich? Rich, really? When I had Rose and Hugo, I started the task force so I could manage missions, and rarely go on them. I do all of my paperwork at home and more often than not, I am here, I answer their letters, I make sure they have everything they could possibly need- including you!" But nothing she said broke through his armor, instead she could see he was working up a nasty response.
"Perfect Hermione, doing it all. I help, I help a lot and if it weren't for my job, we would have never bought this house, that you want to share with another man."
"I never said that, I never said I wanted another man! I said I didn't want you." She'd done it then, she'd said something that she had never wanted to in such a way she could never take back.
"You haven't even tried since you sprung this separation. I thought you'd at least try, fight for us like you fight for your precious colleagues." Hermione couldn't believe what he was saying, did he really think she hadn't fought for them?
"I have been fighting, Ron, for years. I fought, I fought hard...you don't remember that because you don't care, it's doesn't register in Ron Weasley's world. I scheduled dates, separate time for us, therapy before we even had Hugo and guess what, you never showed. I tried to change things, I took a different job where you and I would see each other more, I quit introducing legislation which took so many hours, I fought for us constantly. But I can't, I won't do it anymore," she paused, looking at her ring and thinking about the day they'd gotten married, "you couldn't even come to therapy, that you suggested. Why would I fight for this if you won't?" He'd lost then, it was obvious. Nothing he could say could counter any argument she had made, it was logical and sound, as she was most of the time. He threw himself on her sofa and folded his arms squarely against his chest, angrier than he'd ever been at her and himself. It was useless to argue another moment, he finally saw what she saw and it had taken her piercing words to show him how much they'd bungled things up over the years. Staring out her window, Ron suddenly felt the weight of his defeat.
"Will you go with us tomorrow, like you promised?" She asked him, worried he was still angry.
"Only if you never remind me again of the idiot I am."
"Fine, that's an easy promise." She threw a paper ball at him, hitting him on his ear, ricocheting back to her.
"Can we never fight like this again?" His arms fell from his chest and he met her gaze, the anger washing away the longer he looked at her.
"I don't see why we'd need to, it's over isn't it." And then he stood, left her room, and went back downstairs to eat the dinner she'd brought him home. Hermione didn't know what else to say to him, but he was right, it was definitely over.
After saying goodbye to their sweet children, Hermione let Ron drive the car home and left on her own journey back to India. She was meeting Snape in India so they could ride the train together this time, but she had a portkey first to New Delhi, no parents to travel with and very little baggage. Rounding a corner in the train station, Hermione knew him immediately, even in muggle clothes. His hair was still short and sprinkled with a little more gray, which she found quite attractive; it distinguished him.
"Your chariot awaits, Madame." Taking his arm, they set their bags on the trolley and walked together to find their cart. With three months and some days left, she still wanted to keep her promise to Ron that she wouldn't cross the boundaries of her marriage vows, but she didn't want to deny her attraction or feelings for Snape, not especially when things with Ron were truly over.
"This is nicer than the one I shared with my parents. We only had two bunks and no room for luggage."
"The Ministry spares no expense for their darling."
"I've never heard someone refer to you as "their darling", is this new?" He laughed, throwing their luggage on the top shelf before sitting across from her, running his hands through his hair, a little nervous to be alone with her, no eyes watching, no possible interruptions, but she had a peculiar way of making him feel at ease as soon as their eyes met and her smile stretched from ear to ear.
"How did Hugo and Rose get off to Hogwarts?"
"They were both eager beavers as usual, though I am a bit concerned about Rose focusing enough to worry about Owls this year. She dropped Divination, no surprise there, but she didn't pick up another subject, so I worry she'll not study." His eyes rolled.
"Not everyone needs a time turner or takes a course load even adult wizards couldn't complete, she's fourteen."
"You never would've said that if you were still at Hogwarts." He nodded in agreement, she was surely right.
"True, but taking too many courses can lower potential Owl scores, especially if she doesn't have a study regimen like her mother. " Listening and agreeing, Hermione unfolded the table and rung for the trolley, hoping tea would be served soon. In the meantime, she wrote a quick note to Seamus to ready McCreevy and Ware for their first simulated mission.
"My only work, I promise." Sealing the letter, Hermione released Harlow from her cage and gave her explicit instructions to get this to Seamus before morning, Greenwich Mean Time.
"Speaking of work, if I never see Healer Thompson again...gods be I am entering the second half of my apprenticeship with a different healer, Marcia something." Hermione's eyes snapped to his. "Someone you're familiar with?"
"She was supposed to be our second therapist, I mean I still went twice. She's tactful and professional, no nonsense, at least I didn't see it...I felt comfortable talking to her. I hadn't planned on scheduling another session because Ron missed the two we had scheduled, but it really did help. Perhaps a conflict of interest now because I did mention you last time, not by name, of course." Now he looked intrigued.
"And what, pray tell, did you say about me, Granger?" She blushed a bit, thinking about what she'd wanted to tell her healer, but didn't.
"Not much, just that I'd been worried about you after Todd died, you and Seamus, that if I sent you on another mission it could be you that walked into a shop and was blindly killed. She wanted to dig deeper into that, but time was up." Now he looked far more intrigued.
"Aren't you glad I changed professions?" He prodded, seeing the trolley roll up outside the door. She ordered coffee, tea for later, scones and cucumber sandwiches. She knew once they arrived at the ashram, they would be eating meagerly.
"I'm famished and yes, I am glad, even though I was an idiot when you were trying to tell me. I've been around a Weasley far too long. Speaking of which, we had a terrible row last night." He stirred his coffee and took a small bite of a blueberry and lemon scone, quietly waiting for her to continue.
"I had this whole day before school starts outing planned for us and he didn't show, but when he got home, he yelled at me for not fighting for him, like I didn't spend our married years begging him to come to things with me or go on dates, to read a flipping book and contribute to conversations I have with Harry and Ginny, but nothing. The nerve, it still ticks me off." Snape's gaze didn't change, he only took another bite of his scone because he was sure she wasn't finished. "And he had the nerve to say that I cared more about my job than him and our kids, well he implied as much and then he said I only wanted this divorce, because let's face it, I am not staying married to him, so that I could move another man into our house. The nerve!" His eyebrow raised as far as it would go, though he had missed how animated she was in full righteous indignation. "He has no idea I fancy you, but regardless I am not moving another man into the house in December...he just showed me how little he trusts me or respects me, his best friend and wife. We survived hunting horcruxes, all those years helping Harry, and he can't trust me to tell the truth. Everything he's asked me, I've told him..." The train bumped along, her coffee spilling a bit, but Snape was sharp and caught it before the scones were doused.
"I'm sorry, I could've just said we had a row and left it at that. You don't want all the gory details of my failed marriage." She'd obviously done more embarrassing things in front of him before, but his keen stare unnerved her.
"Actually, I find it quite helpful." Her expression encouraged explanation. "Unlike your husband, I can learn from my mistakes and anything that shows me how to stay away from your temper, is worth it. I certainly wouldn't want you speaking about me like this." For a moment, Hermione imagined married life with Snape, how different things would be. Of course he wasn't perfect, but he thought before he acted, he seemed to look at an entire situation before jumping to conclusions, and he was devoted.
"Well, I'm sure I am not a perfect wife. I am bossy and an insufferable knowitall, as you've told me before, but I love and feel deeply, I love Ron I'm just not in-love with him." She finally ate a scone and looked at the Indian countryside before the sun set completely. Maybe she'd said too much, she didn't want to make a habit of talking about Ron more than absolutely necessary, but he would be part of her life indefinitely and she needed to trust that Snape understood that.
"No one is perfect." He broke the silence again, bringing her out of deep thought.
"True, my children aren't, I'm not, we're a funny bunch, though. I'm sorry if I am talking too much about Ron, it's just letters don't do it justice sometimes and I don't want you to think I am going to change my mind and suddenly forego ending things." He folded his fingers together and looked for a moment like he had when she was a student.
"Even if we never spoke again, I would encourage you to continue on your path. I admit that it does give me solace to hear you have both finally reached the same conclusion, but I am not going to endanger any possible relationship we may have following this by speaking ill of your husband or of your choices. My life is filled with failed relationships and poor decisions, surely you have better judgement than I do." Reaching for him, she pushed the scones out of the way.
"Thank you." Genuinely, she wanted nothing more than spend the rest of the time catching up, but her time in the ashram needed to be focused. Yawning, she pulled her hands back and reclined, propping her feet up next to him, careful not to dust up his jacket.
"Make yourself comfortable." He chided, putting his arm around her legs and playing with the hemline of her jeans, and removing her shoes, delicately placing them on the ground. "Your feet don't smell, by the way." She kicked him lightly, but he caught her ankle, tickling her slightly, which made her snort from laughing.
"You'll make me kick you for real or worse." He pretended he was going to continue, but instead stopped and just held it gently.
"You have delicate ankles, so tiny for a tall woman."
"Are you an ankle connoisseur? "She teased, the look he gave her, his head barely lifting as his eyes rolled towards her, something almost sinister.
"Not hardly, but yours are very fine." She crossed her legs then as he tucked his arm around them before she could pull them back to her side. There was something so intimate about his arm around her legs, even more so than when he held her hands. Moments like this lit a fire in her, wanting nothing more than to be near him, to kiss him, to be his in every way. Instead, she yawned again and then tickled his armpit with her toes, eliciting a laugh from him she'd never heard before.
"I'll remember that spot, for sure."
"Just you wait…" He teased, this giving her the boldness to join him on his bunk, hugging him tightly, practically sitting on his lap…" No, just you wait." She responded, running her hands through his hair, which was not a bit greasy now that it was short. Kissing his forehead, she returned to her bunk and stretched out, facing him, pulling her quite tightly around her.
"You know I won't be able to enter a room with touching you, it's one of my quirks and I won't apologize for it." Yawning again, she liked the look of contentedness on her face, how much he seemed to enjoy her affections. "Does that bother you, Severus?"
"Not in the slightest, I've never been loved like that in my life." And she could, she thought, she could love him.
"Good, because I plan on it."
Sleep came easily to her that night, her eyes growing heavier and heavier the longer she stared at him. Severus tried to fight sleep as well, but just being with her made his life lighter. He triple-checked the lock, then covered Hermione's feet with her quilt, crawling onto his bunk and passing out from exhaustion.
The next morning, Hermione was up first, noting that Snape did not snore, although she was convinced he did one mission in Argentina five years before. She heated her tea and sipped it slowly, watching him sleep, hoping someday they would be doing this as a real couple. Waking him gently as the train pulled into the village, she noted his slight smile and smiled back. Disembarking went smoothly and their walk to the ashram the same. Hermione said goodbye to Snape at the gates because undoubtedly they wouldn't see each other this time. Shyly, she walked into her small rooms and changed into appropriate clothing for yoga, her heart fluttering the entire time.
The sky was melting again, her heart soared with the raven, a unicorn frolicking over an open field. Hogwarts was burning, Snape was dying, he became the snake and bit her, her blood flowing into the burning embers of the Great Hall. The sun burst, sending molten flames down, and Remus, Remus tried to grab her hand.
"What did you see?" Her guru asked, seeing her visible dismay written across her face.
"Much the same, the same fire, the same people...why can I not get passed this?"
"You have much discipline. Pray, meditate, and remember; death is not the end, it is the return to yourself."She recalled the same words he'd said the last time, the ones she hadn't given much thought since, but she wanted to stop having nightmares, to be a functioning adult. How could she really give her heart to her children and perhaps even Snape if she could barely get through missions without seeing her loved ones strewn on fields.
The next day she continued in silence and prayed, trying to imagine the life she wanted versus the life she thought she had. In her meditation, she felt herself go completely free- no thoughts, no feelings, just silence and it was the bliss she'd never reached before. And each day that followed, she was able to get there again. When she finally met with her guru after her silent days were over, he lulled her into her vision quest, but this time she didn't see Hogwarts or the Black Lake, she didn't see the raven or the unicorn, instead she saw her bedroom, her neatly dressed bed and her plush bathrobe on the sofa, a cup of tea steeping on the window sill, and herself, at her desk, writing a letter.
"What did you see?"
"An ordinary day." She replied, crying, her heart ready to burst, hoping that for the first time since the Final Battle that she wouldn't wake from terrorizing nightmares regularly or have random panic attacks. She wanted control over her emotions and life.
"You appear pleased." He was a man of few words, she liked him.
"I am, how do I continue."
"Pray every day, meditate when you can to achieve silence. Project the life you want." His response was simple enough. She couldn't wait to see Snape.
Two days later, when their retreat had come to an end, Hermione met Snape at the gate, climbing slowly down the mountain, both appearing impossibly light. They were lucky enough to have the same train car, so they settled in quickly, but this time she sat immediately next to him, cross-legged, dying to talk about her breakthrough. But as soon as she was going to speak, she stopped and took his hand in hers instead, they had plenty of time to decompress. Instead, she wanted to be near him before they would be apart again for three months.
Staring at his hand, the lines, the marks, she felt a remorse for not having admitted her feelings sooner, for letting herself drone on and on in a failed marriage. Noticing her worrisome look, he took her chin in his free hand and made her face him, their eyes locking. Blinking, she allowed him into her mind, noting that they did it so effortlessly now. She showed him her experience, the freedom she finally knew and the happiness of her room, something so simple yet so wonderful. He did the same, and she saw for the first time his own personal happiness; a navy blue chair in a study, steeping tea and a black cat, he was organizing some ingredients and wearing his muggle clothes. She noticed brewing potions and open texts strewn in the background, his face free of any worry or despair. It was amazing how similar their experience had been. They were so similar, yet they were both alone. What did that mean? Did Snape prefer being alone the majority of the time? She pondered these thoughts as their connection broke. To be honest, she enjoyed quiet, alone time, but she also enjoyed deep conversations and being useful.
The food trolley broke her concentration and she let go briefly, asking Snape if he would like roast beef or turkey sandwiches. They got the same coffee, tea, and scones and two sandwiches each because work at the ashram had stolen all of their energy. She stayed next to him, happily eating her sandwich and sipping her tea.
"How often do you come to India?" She asked, breaking another bout of glorious silence.
"At least twice a year, especially under your tutelage, but now, I think I'll be able to handle once a year. It does my mind an immense good to get clear again."
"I hope healing is less troublesome. Sometimes I think about the injuries and diseases Madame Pomfrey has seen and shudder. But you won't be at Hogwarts, right? I'd heard she is retiring." Snape brushed the crumbs from his sandwich from his vest and sipping his tea that had cooled to the perfect temperature.
"No, I do not think I could ever go back, in any fashion. They originally offered me Poppy's job, but I couldn't consider it. It would be detrimental to my mental health to be at Hogwarts for more than an evening."
"Of course, I should've thought of that. How tactless of me." Hermione finished her last bite and folded her paper wrapper several times before putting it in the bin.
"Don't be troubled, it does seem fitting on some level that I would return there to work. But no, I have taken a job with St. Mungos when my apprenticeship is over, either with potions or in special units."
"Seamus sent me two owls while we were in silence, McCreevy and Ware passed their initial mission, so I'll be back at it quickly. We've heard about a possible problem in Russia; I have to report on Wednesday before we leave for St. Petersburg. Thank goodness you still have clearance." Resting her head on his shoulder, she worried for a second about having to face missions without him again.
"Be careful in Russia, they don't treat women any differently than men." He pulled her face up like he had before. "I want you to be here in December." She blushed and averted her eyes, sometimes unsure how to react to his honesty.
"December cannot get here quickly enough." Her arms encircled his waist and she held him tight like she had that night in her dining room, refusing to let go until she had to, but eventually her arms and eyes got tired.
"I guess I need to move to my bunk so I don't keep you awake all night. Thank you, Severus." Hugging him around his neck, her face so close all she need do was kiss him, she let go before him, but as she turned, he grabbed her hand again.
"Whatever for?" He asked, sheepishly.
"For letting me fancy you without restrictions, well aside from the ones I follow out of propriety, but there are moments, like now." She stopped herself, afraid she would say something she shouldn't. He stood at her words and took her in his arms, she'd forgotten momentarily how tall he was as his arms wrapped around her, his heart was beating wildly against her ear, mimicking her own.
"Don't ever stop." The heat of his breath in her ear sent chills down her spine, she visibly shook slightly against him. Propriety be damned, she wanted to kiss him so badly.
"I never thought this would happen, for years I thought about you, I hoped, but here we are, having to behave like puritans..." She reached up to his face as his arms held her tightly against him, thought soft at her waist and his fingers tapping gently above her jeans. It was almost torture, but she couldn't look away. A sudden bump of the rail line forced to tumble, losing her footing so quickly she was sure he'd fall as well.
"Well I guess that works for breaking the spell." He joked, helping her onto her bunk. He sat on the ground against the folded table, his arm above her pillow, playing with her hair as she got comfortable under her quilt. Time was moving too fast.
"How am I going to make it three months? I can barely keep myself from kissing you." Her hair tickled her eyebrows suddenly, so she brushed it aside and looked at him.
"I almost broke your vow for you, but we can do this. December is not so far away." He kissed the top of her head and remained next to her for the remainder for the rail ride, memorizing every inch of her face, not knowing that the three months they endured apart would not be easy and that it wouldn't be until January when they finally saw each other again.