Chapter10

He cursed her the next time he saw her.

It wasn't supposed to be as difficult as this, or as complicated as what everything was trying to seem.

Yzak had already made up his mind to get through the war as quickly as possible and go back and try to be friends and really, nothing more than that with Shiho Kyrie Hahenfuss, and he was really prepared to go kill all those who stood in his way and forget the way she could make him look at the world through eyes other than his own.

But from the look of things, it was really quite difficult at this stage, impossible, if a person wanted to be either very pessimistic or overtly accurate.

Yzak Joule was a redcoat, the elite of ZAFT, respected for his loyalty and fierce pride in his duties and obligations, and he would have killed the Naturals just so the war could end and the Coordinator's welfare would be prioritised. But Dearka Elseman appeared and blithely unearthed the seed of doubt from the abyss he had placed it in, and now it took root and grew faster than he could control it.

So there wasn't much of a hope fighting in the war with the same eyes as before.

His second decision had been for himself, how he would forget Shiho and try not to feel the aching pain, and then he'd ignore her if he could. When she had left, it had worked, that he was terribly sure of.

But now, the bugger was back, yes, back!

And Yzak stared in shock at the pilot in the redcoat who had slipped of her helmet and was staring straight back at him. Her hair was neatly bundled and the ends and her eyes were very sharp and alert.

"What are you doing here?" he hissed hatefully. Bloody idiot just had to reappear now, didn't she?

"Providing assistance," she answered without missing a beat and tucking her helmet securely under an arm and continuing to direct her unwavering gaze on him. And he squirmed internally because he felt an urge to relive some past childhood grudge and stamp and trample on violets for the heck of it all.

"I don't need it," he spat angrily, not quite angry at her, but angry at the fact that she had to reappear and take away his other hope of fulfilling what he had set out to do. First his best friend, then now her. The gods somewhere must have been laughing and chortling and using him for entertainment, but he didn't find it funny in the least.

"Look," she interrupted sharply, frowning a little, "Do you want to do a recap of how many redcoats and how many soldiers who can pilot mobile weapons are left? I can summarise it in a single sentence if you want, because there will be sub-zero if this war continues with outcomes like that for ZAFT."

She didn't yell or raise her voice, but it had an instant quietening effect on him, and he was forced to keep his voice low even though he would have honestly preferred to rial and blast himself hoarse.

"You didn't come here by your own free will, did you?" he demanded tightly, and his voice was harsh and unforgiving.

"Since when does a soldier have his own free will?" she replied smoothly in neutral tones although something flickered in her eyes and he recognised it was hurt. But he didn't say anything because he was over and done with the whole thing, starting it again would leave him lifeless this time and Yzak didn't want that.

So he stared at Shiho, wondering if time would ever change her. She hadn't been an extrovert since she was a child anyway, not that eh remembered much, but then she seemed to stubbornly retain her ways and appeared resistant to changes. Shiho was the sort who'd listen to advice and instructions, and then she'd follow them if she wanted to or had to, but then she'd go off and do what she liked to do at the same time because frankly, she didn't give a hoot what anyone else did in comparison to what she was doing.

"All those I know have become traitors," he said softly, willing himself not to contort his features with rage, "Dearka, Athrun, even Lacus Clyne."

"Traitors," she echoed softly, her voice mellow and placid as if she had only commented that the weather was nice, "Traitors to you and PLANT or ZAFT, but they probably aren't traitors to their own hearts because they betrayed PLANT and ZAFT as you said."

"Heart?" he cried bitterly and in anguish, "What heart? We enlisted because we wanted to end this war, didn't we? Joining the Naturals won't make it end!"

"No," she replied confidently, her voice growing stronger with every word she proceeded to enunciate, "But nobody can prove they fight for the Naturals."

"They aren't fighting for ZAFT," he spat, his voice laced with poison, "And if they aren't fighting for the Naturals and Blue Cosmos either, then what on earth are they fighting for?"

She looked at him inexplicably with an unreadable expression on her face, and for a heart-stopping split-second, Yzak thought she was going to cross over the distance between them in front of all the stationary mobile weapons in the storage grounds and put her arms around him. But something flashed across her face and she stood there, firmly rooted to the ground the way a tree would have been.

And he had to swallow something like disappointment and watched her say quietly, "I think all of them fight in their own ways which they deem is best, andin the likeliest scenario, all of them who you deem as traitors are fighting for what you have been fighting for."

Yzak simply stared at her, his eyes slightly widened and his mind more troubled than ever. She strode off to the GINNs parked in the corner and he heard her unzipping her collar slightly to breathe better, and against his better judgement he moved along in her direction and hurried slightly after her.

She ignored him and pulled a laptop to her and sat down on a chair and proceeded to plug in wire after wire from one GINN until it looked like there was a shrub of wires enveloping most of her lap. Then Shiho started to type furiously at the keys and her eyes streamed from corner to corner as the statistics of the weapons poured in.

"Will you be fighting out there soon?" he asked dispassionately although his heart was twisted in fear if he received a positive reply.

"No," she said absently, shuffling the wires around, and the humongous GINN's sensor that was its eyes started winking and beeping noises were heard, "I requested to with my status as a redcoat, but then my captain ordered me to work on these. At least if there are casualties, or rather, more than what we expect, improvements can be done to these to give us an edge over the rest."

"You hypocrite," he said icily, "You say they aren't traitors because they fight in their own way, but then you're plotting to kill the Naturals by helping ZAFT."

Shiho looked up at him and her eyes weren't offended but cold, as dispassionate as the tone he had used on her before.

"You may be right," was all she said, and she proceeded to continue with her work and he was forced to remain mum.

He was standing there watching her do her work and contemplating what he ought to say next. But it wasn't necessary because words were quite useless then, and she was unfathomable in his opinion and Yzak was really stumped where it came to Shiho Hahenfuss.

"Tell me what you want to do after the war,' she said suddenly, and when she glanced up, he saw a flicker of dreaminess flit over the purple expanse but a second later, it was missing and there wasn't anything there at all. So she had dreams too.

"I don't know," he said honestly but briefly," I didn't think of it. And who thinks of anything else but fighting when they are in the midst of war?"

And Shiho looked away and said wistfully, almost talking to herself instead of him, "You may be right."

Afraid that she wouldn't speak and then the situation would b awkward if neither of them spoke after this, he eagerly cut in, forgetting he had been frustrated with her a few minutes ago, "What are yours in that case then?"

"I want to spend more time on research,' she replied quite decisively, "And then I'll think what I can do as I get along."

'That's if you're alive by the end of this,' he thought ruefully, 'And I wonder if will be after this war too.'

"I don't know if I'll be alive after this though," she said quietly, almost as if she had read his thoughts, but he surprised her by interrupting and saying fiercely, "You will be."

Shiho looked up at him in amazement although she didn't say a word, but then she smiled briefly and looked down, but he had seen the softening in her eyes and how innocent she looked when she smiled.

And he felt a wave of regret gush over him like an encroaching tide that hit the coast, because if their parents hadn't manipulated them, he might have fallen in love with her on his own accord. And maybe, just maybe, if she hadn't been manipulated like him either, she might have loved him back on her own accord.

"How did you escape from the CYCLOPS system during the Battle of Porta?" she said softly, looking right at him, and he recalled the Strike and had to repress a shudder at the way he had been spared to live the rest of his life in humiliation that someone form the enemies' side had shown him mercy.

"The Freedom didn't kill me," he admitted tightly, fiddling with his collar, well aware that he gaze was unflinching and unwavering all at once, "And the pilot pushed me away after he dodged all my attacks,then he warned me to get away so I didn't die."

"The circumstances in which almost equal numbers of ZAFT and EA troops were lost in the CYCLOPS system is questionable," Shiho noted briefly, tugging slightly at a wire which had been entangled.

"Are you implying someone here is a traitor?" he said loudly, glaring at her.

"I didn't say anything of that sort," she shot back, and then she promptly keyed in something and a strange look passed over her face.

"I wonder if the Freedom is fighting for the Earth Alliance," she said thoughtfully, sitting where she was and pausing her rapid typing for a minute or two before she continued.

"I don't know," he replied, equally baffled, "But it doesn't seem to be. And neither does the ship it returned to, the Archangel. Perhaps there are defectors from Earth Alliance's side too."

"I suppose so," she answered readily, "And I believe that they will win in the end."

"Win?" he asked bitterly, ready to pick a fight with Shiho, "How do they win when they aren't on anyone's side?"

She was quiet and her gaze flickered upwards and she said softly, "Do you have to be on anybody's side to win a war? And even if ZAFT or Earth Alliance wins, what is the cost of winning?"

And he realised what she was trying to say in that instant. The blood of another didn't contribute to the path that led to victory, and in any case, was victory really peace? But he pushed away the thoughts and a crease of worry formulated on his face.

Shiho looked at him carefully and felt regret course through her. She hadn't been so involved in the war so much that she had the scars he carried, physically or mentally, and least of all, emotionally. He would be eighteen soon, but now his eyes were those of an older person's, and her heart ached for the little fragments of lost dreams Yzak must have once carried and lost after he had killed one after another.

An entire ship had been shot down by him. And they weren't soldiers either.

She had been so livid that at that time she had called him a monster. And he had kissed her and Shiho had been frightened by the lingering affection in his eyes and had trembled inwardly because she wanted to hug him and tell him that she wasn't going anywhere although she knew she couldn't allow herself to do exactly that.

Frustrated, she had turned tail and fled. She had been willing to forget him and get on with her work and research but they had called her to the Vesalius with the others, and really, there was absolutely no way she could escape seeing him even if she went out of her way to do so. The Vesalius wasn't so large that after two weeks, she wouldn't meet the silver-haired Lord of the Joule House again.

'He was probably the only one who ever held that title', she mused silently, she had heard rumours about his family background before, or more accurately, the lack of family thereof. She herself, had no reason to retain the title of Lady of the Hahenfuss House again after her father died. In an agricultural planet like Junius Seven, there hadn't been any need to either, because the hands of political systems were not long enough to completely meddle with the lives of the people who lived there.

And that was why PLANT had been in an uproar when the peaceful, harmless Junius Seven had been completely eradicated in a matter of seconds.

She had watched it herself, and she knew her father's remains, buried in a peaceful, grassy plot of land with others there, were gone. Shiho had cried a little, but then she had felt about as right as rain after that because she knew she had no obligations to be attached to the place anymore and that would cut off any emotional attachment to a place where nobody was waiting for her.

Lonely and saddled with a guardian who she knew was a sort of informant for Ezalia Joule, she had promptly enlisted. That had been the only way to escape form any influence and be totally independent with nobody tracking her every movement and trying to breathe down her neck. She had met Yzak Joule there and had been dumbstruck because she hadn't expected Ezalia Joule to let her own son enlist.

But it seemed that the Joule's young Lord was more than met the eye.

He had stuck her as bratty and terribly arrogant once, but when she had seen him again in ZAFT, she had seen pain in his eyes and understood where it came from suddenly, as if she had known him all her life. And she had allowed herself to be taken captive with his straightforward, if not brusque, approach to things and his clumsy sincerity even as he spoke his mind when it would offend the others.

By no means was he terribly handsome. Yzak Joule wasn't handsome in the princely fashion like Athrun Zala and Miguel Aiman, nor charming and easy-going like Dearka Elseman and Rusty Mackenzie. And he didn't have the simple, gentle ways of Nicol Amalfi either; instead, he was quite the polar opposite.

Granted, he was very good-looking, but with a mother like that, what else would anyone expect? His hair was sterling-silver, almost snow-white from some lights, and his eyes were a deep blue, almost midnight. His features were sometimes too sharp, angular and piercing for him to seem capable of granting a kind word on anyone, but his movements were precise and careful most of the time, and she knew by gut feeling that he wasn't the kind another would trifle with.

And so, Shiho Hahenfuss had grown attached to someone she couldn't allow herself to get attached to if she wanted any dignity and pride left. She couldn't swallow the fact that she had been manipulated in an engagement like this without her consent, whether she was attracted to Yzak Joule was out of the question. They'd go their separate ways now on.

"I'm leaving," he interrupted the silence very suddenly, and she looked up instantly, stunned by the interruption of thoughts and the fact that he was going to leave her there.

But he stared at her and smirked suddenly. And she didn't like the bitterness in the caricature of the smile nor the words he proceeded to speak.

"After this," he muttered cynically, "We'll meet again in PLANT, and I'll ask my mother to leave you and I alone. You'd like that, correct?"

She would have gotten up to slap him, stunned at the hard edge and bit in his voice, but then the next words he uttered were suddenly gentle and she wondered briefly to herself how much of a contradiction Yzak Joule could be.

Because his next words, uttered softly and gently, were as such.

"And then maybe you'll find a place that belongs to you."

Yzak bit his lips and looked away, willing her not to speak, and she didn't because she could sense they were useless against the circumstances both of them were now thrust into.

"I will," she promised silently to herself, "I will."

They gazed at something other than each other for a while until some mechanics came in and requested that Yzak let them take as look at his mobile weapon. He gave them his permission, and then left without looking back at her.

He didn't know that she was staring at his retreating back as he drifted off while suing the bars to guide his way along in the gravity-deficient grounds

And Yzak didn't know that she wasn't prepared to let go even thought he had already forced himself to.

Because if he had known, he might have held on as tightly as he could with all the might he could muster and thus, never let go of Shiho Hahenfuss either.

When he got back to his room, he read a letter that had been posted from Aprilius One. His mother's flowing cursive was scribbled as if she hadn't any time to write slowly and properly, but then he knew this was probably the case.

It was a short letter, quite to the point, no beating about the bush, but then Ezalia Joule had always been that way. Had she written words of endearment and affection to him, Yzak Joule would have thought that someone had been forcing her to write letters in some sort of conspiracy or another.

"How are you," she had written, or rather, scribbled, and he knew she wouldn't write to say she hoped he was fine because they both knew he wasn't.

His eyes darted from side to side in a lateral fashion as he continued to glance through, she had written that she was quite busy and he needn't reply to her because she was sure that he was too. She sent her well wishes and regards and some reminders for him to eat well, quite ironic in reality, Yzak thought dryly, since she was probably thinner now than the time he had last seen her. She wasn't the kind who practised what she preached when it came to health, but then he couldn't blame her either.

At the end of the letter, his mother had written, "When you come home, I need to tell you something very important and discuss this issue with you."

The words were cautious and were brief, not too explicit in the warning tone either, but then he chuckled bitterly to himself and threw the letter somewhere.

"Mother," he said softly to nobody in particular as he gazed at the ceiling, not seeing anything but imagining a blue sky with white clouds where there wasn't something to hold him down and take away his freedom, "If only you knew that I already know what you tried to do. If only you knew."

And he rolled over and closed his eyes, tired but still awake, lonely but filled with pride, miserable but unwilling to say anything, and then Yzak Joule tried to sleep.