No romance here, just a fight scene that's pretty metal. If you'd like to get properly pumped before reading it, just search for Shine On Me on Youtube. It's the first result. If it looks like Lucius Malfoy is pretending to play the guitar while occasionally fighting dragons, you're in the right place. Best music video ever made.
Like a Wrinkly Wrecking Ball
Panting with exertion, Harry, Hermione, and Luna arrived outside the Professor's door. They could hear voices within. One was McGonagall herself – the accent was unmistakable – and the other was a man with a high voice.
"We can't let him go on like this - it's only a matter of time before he does something that can't just be dismissed as 'eccentric' and then he'll lose everything. He'll be sacked from Hogwarts and stripped of his titles." McGonagall paused, and her tone became more fearful. "We'll lose our best hope for survival if You-Know-Who comes back."
"I suppose we'll just have to keep a closer eye on him." Flitwick said. A sigh was heard, and the speaker's footsteps grew louder. The door swung inward, revealing Professor Flitwick. "Ah, Miss Lovegood and company. Minerva, you have visitors." The tiny Charms Master smiled and ushered the trio inside.
Professor Flitwick stood to the side of the door, perhaps waiting for the students to state their business. Professor McGonagall was seated at her desk, her glasses dangling from one hand while the other cupped her forehead, which gravity seemed to be affecting more than usual. She radiated doubt and exhaustion. Upon seeing her visitors, she furrowed her brow in confusion, and, replacing her glasses, checked the clock above the door. "I assume you are all aware that curfew is imminent?"
Hermione nodded feverishly. "Yes, ma'am, but we felt that this couldn't wait until morning."
McGonagall rolled her eyes incredulously. "What's happened now? Is the Headmaster dueling the diary in the halls? Has he transfigured the lake into a sea of lemon drops?" She demanded listlessly.
"No," Hermione began. "We think we might know what petrified all those people. It's a basilisk! The house elves have been told to avoid the deadly gaze of something by wearing sunglasses, and Colin Creevey was looking through his camera! People just haven't been seeing it directly and that's why they've been petrified instead of killed! Spiders have been fleeing the school because they're afraid of the basilisk, Ginny was forced to kill roosters against her will because they could have killed the basilisk, and Harry's been hearing whispers that no one else can hear because he's a parselmouth!" She blurted out in a rush.
McGonagall had been nodding along with Hermione's explanation, and her head came to a stop as Hermione finished. For a moment, she simply sat. "A basilisk." She stated, unblinking, appearing to stare right through Hermione. "Certainly. Why not?" She turned to Professor Flitwick, who was conjuring several pairs of goggles with thick, pitch-black lenses. "Filius, are you up for killing a basilisk at some point this evening?" She inquired flippantly, flinging her hands up in defeat.
The little professor smiled widely. Really, it was more a display of teeth than a smile – Harry imagined this was what a happy goblin looked like. Flitwick handed the Transfiguration Mistress a pair of goggles. "Thought you'd never ask."
Suddenly, a small formation of house elves appeared, blocking the doorway. An elf Harry and Hermione did not recognize stepped forward. "We is to be keeping the students and staff safe while the problem is being taken care of. We is going to be informing you's when the danger is passed."
"And who is taking care of the problem? The Headmaster?" McGonagall demanded.
"No, Dobby is taking care of the problem." The elf replied, somewhat uneasily. "Dobby is assuring us that he is knowing what he is doing." He did not seem all that convinced.
"Has the Headmaster been consulted about this?" McGonagall ground out.
"We is thinking that he should be told, but Dobby is pointing out that Professor Dumbly is giving house elves standing permission to take care of pest problems, and Dobby is reasoning that we is dealing with a very large pest." The elf explained hesitantly.
"Please tell this 'Dobby' to meet me in the Headmaster's office in five minutes." McGonagall ordered.
"Yes, ma'am." The elf replied with a bow, and he vanished along with the rest of his posse.
McGonagall stood to leave, and Professor Flitwick handed everyone a pair of goggles. "These are designed to filter dark magic, and I believe they should protect us from the basilisk's gaze. Do not remove them until we tell you it is safe to do so."
Harry put his goggles on and was surprised to find that he could still see perfectly. He didn't see how the inky black lenses would permit any light to pass, but somehow, they did.
Luna put her goggles on and immediately frowned. "These filter all magic, don't they, sir? The world looks very dull this way." She commented sadly.
"Yes, Miss Lovegood. But dark magic is a subset of all magic, so we should be protected, even if the world appears less bright to the gifted among us." He smiled at his fellow Ravenclaw.
"You three will come with us – we can't have anyone wandering the corridors with the beast on the loose somewhere." With that, Professor McGonagall led the way to the Headmaster's office, pausing to inform a suit of armor that the school was on lockdown. The empty shell saluted her and stepped back into his alcove, presumably passing the message on to the teachers by magic.
They were ushered in by the stone gargoyle and made the short journey up the steps to the inner doors, which were open a crack. McGonagall gently pushed them open and the party entered to find the Headmaster bent over his desk with a turkey baster, slowly releasing droplets of water onto the evil diary. "Talk, damn you! Tell me what you've done to them!" He muttered, not noticing his visitors.
McGonagall cleared her throat, causing Dumbledore's head to snap up in surprise. He quickly threw the turkey baster behind him, apparently abhorring the thought of others witnessing him waterboarding a book. "Minerva," he began with a smile. "Filius, how can I help you at this late hour? Have you brought me some serial curfew breakers?" He inquired, eyes twinkling at the trio of students before him.
"No, Albus." McGonagall replied in clipped tones. "We've been informed that a basilisk has been attacking the students, and we've also deduced that a house elf called Dobby intends to get rid of the beast himself." She finished gravely.
Right on cue, Dobby popped into the room. His huge, bulbous eyes settled first on Harry, though his gaze seemed unfocused. "Oh, Harry Potter!" He hicupped. "Dobby is exershising his problem-sholving skills, HarryPudderSir." Dobby then conjured the biggest pair of aviator sunglasses Harry had ever seen. They were easily six feet across. "Dobby is going to stop the problem at the source this time. Big sunglasses will do it. Dobby is almost having the courage to go through with it, sir. One more liter, Dobby thinks." With that, Dobby withdrew a bottle of butterbeer from his pillowcase and proceeded to chug it with vigor, causing some of it to dribble down his chin.
"...you're going to put sunglasses on the basilisk?" Hermione demanded incredulously.
"Harry Potter Sir's Grangey ish very quick and wise. Dobby was not allowed to tell, but Miss Grangey has figured it out. Dobby musht go now to be doing battle with the bassylisk." To Harry's confusion and then utter horror, Dobby conjured a ping-pong paddle with a nail sticking out of it. Hermione cringed. The mad elf then conjured a silk tie which he used as a blindfold. He tied it very inexpertly, being quite drunk, but he soldiered on with grim determination. While he was blindfolding himself, McGonagall surreptitiously transfigured the nail into a feather. "If Dobby does not survives the bassylisk and his punishment, Dobby wishes Harry Pudding and his smart witch and Miss Loveygood a happy life."
"Dobby, you can't-" Hermione began imploringly, but the elf had already vanished with a pop.
"Spatchcock!" Dumbledore called out.
McGonagall cocked an eyebrow. "Is that the beginning of your next commencement speech?" She inquired.
"No," Dumbledore began petulantly, "it's-" Spatchcock the house elf popped in. Dumbledore gestured to the elf. "It's an elf, thank you." He explained smugly. "Spatchcock, can you take me to Dobby?" He asked kindly.
Spatchcock nodded hesitantly. "Spatchcock can be doing that Sir, but Dobby is being in double-emergency-storage at the moment. He is saying the problem is there. Is Sir being sure he wants to go?" He inquired.
"Yes, I'm certain." Dumbledore stood and came around his desk, preparing to take Spatchcock's hand.
"Hold on a moment, Albus. It would be foolish to go alone." Professor Flitwick stepped forward, gripping his wand in anticipation.
"I'd be wasting my time if I tried to convince you to stay, I'm sure." Dumbledore said with a smile.
"I suppose you two expect me to just stay behind, then?" McGonagall shook her head in disbelief. "Two might be enough for a waltz, but a basilisk is considerably more serious. I'll join you and keep my distance in case I have to portkey one of you to the hospital wing." She insisted.
"This will be exciting." Luna said, clapping her hands together lightly. "Daddy will be jealous that I got to see a basilisk in person."
McGonagall snorted. "Miss Lovegood, it would be far too dangerous to allow you three to come along. You can stay here while we sort this basilisk out."
Dumbledore was clearing his throat and shaking his head subtly. "Is there a problem with that, Albus?" McGonagall inquired impatiently.
"It wouldn't be safe to leave the children here with the diary." He insisted. "And it wouldn't be a good idea to bring the diary along, as it might issue commands to the basilisk. I'm sure Mr. Potter, Miss Granger and Miss Lovegood would be quite alright with their goggles – a safe distance from the danger, with you, Minerva. Besides," he added. "Mr. Potter's gift may allow us to resolve this peacefully if the basilisk is a reasonable sort." He suggested, eyes twinkling merrily. He conjured himself a pair of goggles. His were considerably more ornate than the ones Flitwick had made. Hermione was reminded of Elton John.
The Transfiguration Mistress rolled her eyes and shook her head, but ultimately sighed and took Harry's hand while offering her other hand to Professor Flitwick. Harry got the idea and took Hermione's hand, and Hermione took Luna's. Flitwick grabbed Dumbledore's arm and nodded to him, signaling that he was ready. Dumbledore turned to Spatchcock. "Spatchcock, if you'd please take us near Dobby but keep your distance from the action?" The elf took his hand, and suddenly, with no drama at all, they were shrouded in darkness. The professors lit their wands, and their cavernous surroundings came into view.
"Dobby was near here, Professor Dumbly Sir. He is being gone now – I is thinking he is finished with what he is doing.
A squeak was heard, and all three professors immediately trained their wands on the source. Rather than a fearsome basilisk, though, it turned out to be a rat. The rat was pinned beneath the huge aviators they had seen Dobby conjure moments prior. It seemed that Dobby had missed. "He probably just banished them toward whatever made a sound first." Harry muttered. Hermione sucked a breath in through her teeth, sympathizing with the rat, who was still squeaking plaintively. His only crime was being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
"A decent hypothesis." Dumbledore nodded, vanishing the sunglasses. He and the Charms Master slowly advanced through the dank chamber while Professor McGonagall began conjuring a bunker with chest-high walls around herself and the three students. Harry, Hermione and Luna peered over the wall, watching the ball of light around the professors growing smaller and smaller as they soldiered on. After they had gotten about a hundred feet away, Harry heard a voice echo in the chamber.
"Whooo isssss thisssss?" The basilisk stirred.
"Friendsssss." Harry replied. "Do not harm the men approaching you."
"A ssssspeaker?" The basilisk's voice betrayed surprise. "I sssserve only the heir... You are not friendssss of the heir... I wassss hungry, anyway."
Harry turned to McGonagall to report, only to find that both she and Hermione were staring at him in awe. Luna appeared to be straining her ears, trying in vain to pick up the nuances of the basilisk's speech. "What's he saying?" Hermione demanded.
"Negotiations just broke down, I think." Harry replied nervously.
"Albus, Filius, this basilisk isn't a 'reasonable sort!'" McGonagall called out. "Be careful." She added desperately.
There was a great rumbling and sliding sound as the basilisk moved its hulking body over the smooth stone floor, and the beast came into view. "One is sssscrawny and the other ssso ssssmall... But I ssssmell more beyond."
Dumbledore and Flitwick aimed a furious barrage of spellfire at the huge serpent, but this did little more than antagonize it. The beast advanced on the comparatively tiny humans, but the professors did not give any ground. Dumbledore enlarged and transfigured one of the many animal ribcages littering the floor into a huge ivory prison cell, but the basilisk whipped its head through the bones, reducing them to dust and hissing angrily at the two men.
"Filius, the hide is too strong. Aim for the eyes!" Dumbledore cried as he whipped immense jets of fire to and fro, keeping the basilisk in check.
Flitwick shrieked an incantation, conjuring a great flock of bats. "Engorgio!" He added, and the bats grew to the size of bicycles and began to attack the basilisk, biting at its head, distracting the beast from the two professors. The snake struck repeatedly, thinning the flock a bit more every second.
"The bats don't need to open their eyes to see!" Hermione observed. "Clever."
Flitwick's bat gambit appeared to give Dumbledore an idea, as he raised his hand into the air and called out "Fawkes!" The Headmaster's phoenix appeared in a burst of white-hot flames above his owner. Dumbledore immediately grabbed the mythical bird's leg and the two quickly ascended to the upper reaches of the chamber.
Meanwhile, Professor Flitwick was facing off against the basilisk with nothing more than a couple of wounded bats to aid him. The former dueling champion was being forced on the defensive, conjuring powerful physical shields to block the snake's strikes. He seemed to cast shield spells that were anchored to his body, as he was forced back with every blow the serpent delivered. Suddenly, there was a spray of blood as Fawkes dive-bombed the distracted basilisk and tore into its eye. The wounded creature reared back, hissing in agony and flailing wildly. Dark-colored curses were pelting it from above – Dumbledore wanted the beast's attention.
The basilisk coiled itself to strike at Dumbledore who was still flinging spells from his lofty perch. Professor Flitwick had ceased his assault, trusting that the Headmaster had a plan. The huge snake seemed to explode upward, jaws wide open and baring its terrible fangs, but Dumbledore was ready. He cast the biggest fireball any of them had ever seen straight into the snake's open mouth, and it fell to the ground writhing in agony. The fireball seemed to be consuming it from within – it was striking at its own body, huge fangs piercing the thick scales that had repelled their spells. A pool of blood was rapidly growing around the beast, and its strikes were becoming weaker and less frequent.
Suddenly, a white light issued forth from the basilisk's mouth, and Fawkes awkwardly climbed out, slimy and shrieking in triumph. The fireball had just been a cover for the phoenix. The orange bird continued his triumphant song, flying up to Dumbledore and returning him to the ground. As the Headmaster dusted himself off, the phoenix perched on his shoulder.
Flitwick and Dumbledore began to retreat to McGonagall's bunker. Flitwick was clutching a bleeding and bruised arm, but still smiling. "Brilliant work, Albus!" The tiny man commended.
"Thank you, Filius. The old 'Trojan fireball with a phoenix inside' trick. Works every time!" Dumbledore explained.
"I've actually never heard of that before." Flitwick said skeptically.
"That would make sense, considering I just made it up." Dumbledore nodded. He looked to the bird on his shoulder, whose song had trailed off. He adjusted his goggles and examined his familiar. "Is that his blood or yours?" He inquired.
Fawkes seemed to cackle. Harry had a feeling this meant it was basilisk blood.
"It's a good color on you. You'd think it would clash, but somehow it doesn't." Dumbledore nodded approvingly.
Fawkes trilled in appreciation of the compliment.
Hermione conjured a large pair of pliers, and, offering them to Dumbledore, suggested that he might want to take a fang from the basilisk for further study. When she noticed that people were giving her strange looks, she decided to clarify. "It might be possible to learn something from the venom. Also, my parents are dentists." She blushed and averted her gaze from the Headmaster. "If you don't want it, I'm sure my dad would love to have it just to look at. He'd probably make it into an umbrella handle or something."
"Is 'dentist' another word for big game hunter?" Luna inquired curiously.
EDIT: Fixed an embarrassing oversight related to bats and birds. They were originally birds, and I changed them to be bats when it occurred to me (and therefore to Hermione) that birds would be vulnerable to the basilisk's stare. Forgot to remove all the bird references.