AN: heey, I'm posting this chapter early. Tomorrow I'm moving about three hours away for work, alone, I don't know anyone there. So scared but so excited. So from now on until the fall I'm updating as soon as the chapters are done, I'm not abandoning this story so don't worry. This chapter is about what happened to Magnus's mom, the next one will be about how Magnus handled everything afterwards.
THIS CHAPTER IS A BIG TRIGGER WARNING. IT'S FULL OF ANGST, DEPRESSION, ADDICTION, SUCIDE, BULLYING ETC ETC. DO NOT READ IF THIS TRIGGERS YOU, YOU'RE SAFTEY GOES FIRST. (If you like this story and don't want to read this chapter but the rest of the story message me and I'll recap it for you)
Magnus POV
So my mother, she grew up in a very strict religious family. She told me that she'd always been the black sheep, never really fitting in. She always tried to bend the rules and her father wasn't happy. He hit her through her whole childhood, wanting her to get in line, to be like her siblings, to be what he wanted her to be. Needless to say, that didn't go very well. One day when she was 18 she came home and told him that she was pregnant. He got furious, he didn't believe in abortion but a bastard child? That's almost worse. He screamed at her, beating her up before kicking her out, disowning her. With only the clothes on her body, my mother managed to get to a friend. This friend took her to a hospital to check her injuries and to see if the baby was alright. My mother then got to crash at her place for a few days while trying to get help. Eventually she got in contact with an organization who helped the homeless. Since she was pregnant, a lady working there put in some extra work to help her. This lady had been in the same situation as my mother, and well, she wanted to help her the way others had helped her. So it didn't take long until my mother had an apartment, food, baby supplies and clothes, she even managed to get a job at a diner where she worked until I was born. Don't ask me how, but somehow, my mother had managed to save enough money to be home with me for a little over a year. She'd gone from having nothing, to having enough to take care of a baby all by herself.
I don't know much about my father, all I know is that he was a heroin addict and that he died of an overdose when I was two. I've never met him but I met his mother once, she was a lovely lady, unfortunately she died before we had the chance to get to know each other and before she could answer any of my questions.
Magnus sighed, fighting back the tears. He tilted his head so his cheek rested on Alec's chest. It had been a long time since he talked about his mother like this. Yes, he talked to the press about her, but not like this, not even close. To the press he only said that she'd been an amazing mother and that he loved her, with all his heart, he'd only talked about how she died once. But to sit here, with Alec, talking about her life and his own life, it was hard, different. He'd been scared to open up to anyone since Camille, she had hurt him so bad, used his weaknesses against him. Magnus knew in his heart that Alec wouldn't do that, that he was nothing like Camille, but it was still scary.
Magnus was also very aware of the fact that Alec had a past he didn't want to talk about, and he hoped that if he opened up Alec would too. It was the first time since he got famous that someone new wanted to be with him because of he was, not because he was famous. It was strange but good. He felt Alec kiss his head.
"Are you okay? You don't have to tell me more if it's too hard" Alec whispered, melting Magnus's heart, how had he gotten so lucky? What had he ever done to deserve a man like Alec? He was so caring, understanding and never pushed Magnus to do anything. Alec really was different, and it was amazing.
Magnus took a deep breath "no, it's okay, I want you to know the whole story" he whispered it into Alec's chest, unsure if he'd even heard him. But Magnus guessed that he had when he tightened his arms around Magnus, holding him close, resting his cheek on Magnus's head. Magnus didn't even care that it ruined his hair, he loved it, it felt like Alec was protecting him from the world. He wouldn't mind staying like this forever. "Take your time" Alec whispered back and Magnus took a deep breath before continuing.
So after about a year my mother started working at the diner again. She couldn't afford daycare so I practically grew up there, the others working there helped my mother looking after me. I was adored and I loved every minute of it. Even after my mother met my stepdad Cole, I followed her there. I liked it there and often begged my mom to take me with her, not that I didn't like Cole, I adored him but he didn't give me pie every time like the staff at the diner.
When Cole came into our lives I was four years old and six months after my mother let him meet me he moved in with us. Or well he and my mom bought a tiny red house outside of New York. It had a big garden and they both played with me, I was happy and my favorite moments from that time was when I got to help Cole build furnitures or toys for the garden but also when I got to help my mother with the flowers and herbs growing in our garden.
We also made little trips into the forest surrounding our house when both Cole and mom had a free day. After a year or so Cole asked if he had my permission to marry my mother. I was excited, of course he could marry her, but only if I was best man. I helped him plan his proposal and it was perfect. We took mom to one of her favorite places, the place were you and I had our first date, we had made her favorite food and we had a little picnic. At the end of the night Cole dropped on one knee and popped the question. My mother of course said yes. They had a beautiful fall marriage, also in the forest, in their favorite place ever. The wedding was small, only close friends and Cole's parents. Next thing I knew, I was starting school. I was as most of us, scared but excited. I was a fast study and both my mother and Cole helped me learn, they always challenged me to be the best I could be.
I loved school until the other kids started bullying me for being the smartest kid in school, it was horrible and I came home every day crying. Fortunately I had my mother and Cole to support me, they comforted me and helped me endure it. This was when my mother started taking me to all these places I'm now starting to take you, when I was younger we only went to places in the forest surrounding our house but now she took me to all her favorite places. We made at least one full day trip every weekend and almost every day after school we made shorter trips. Cole followed whenever he could but I loved spending alone time with my mom. It still sucked not having any friends but we had fun, me and my mom, we really did. What we did varied, sometimes we walked around picking flowers or berries, other times we built huts and some days I spent with my head in her lap watching her draw. Regardless I loved it.
When I was ten, Cole got me my first keyboard and it was love at first sight. I spent hours and hours playing it, teaching myself how to. My mother taught me what she remembered which wasn't much, but she got me started. And it didn't take long until I started writing my own songs and discovered that I could sing. Since I'd gotten older my mother was forced to work longer shifts, it wasn't easy to survive on just Cole's income, so our trips into nature grew fewer. I didn't mind that much though, I spent too much time at my keyboard. We still managed to make a minimum of one trip a week and they where still my favorite times with her.
My school life got a bit easier in middle school, I got my first friend, Ragnor and eventually we befriended Catarina and Tessa too. I could see that my mother was relived and happy to see that I'd found friends. Tessa helped me get better at writing songs, she couldn't help with the music part but she has always had a way with words. She always carried at least one book with her and read everything she got her hands on, which is probably the reason as to why she's so good with words. Me and Cat grew herbs together and my mother taught us about healing herbs, well mostly Cat since I don't remember anything but she's an expert. When it was just me and Ragnor we didn't do anything special, he's a lone wolf and liked doing things alone, so mostly we just hanged in the same room doing different things, having small talks. Occasionally Ragnor had little lessons with me, he's an amazing teacher and he always had new interesting information to share.
When we started high school Ragnor acted like our father, well more like he and Cat acted like our parents, taking care of me and Tessa when we got too drunk or when I was heartbroken about some boy or girl I'd never even talked to. Not to mention the times when I'd actually spoken with someone. We had fun and Tessa met Jem and Will, which turned into a triangel-drama but I befriended them both. Jem played the violin and we had some fun playing around with music together. Will was more of a wild child and together we partied hard.
Then tragedy struck. My mother and Cole got into a car accident. Cole died instantly and my mother blamed herself, since she was the one driving. It wasn't her fault, they had collided with a drunk-driver. Nevertheless it broke my mother, she'd lost the love of her life and she thought she was the one to blame. She fell into a depression and slowly the mother I knew faded away entirely.
Magnus stopped when he felt Alec's thumb wiping away tears from his cheek. Magnus hadn't even realized that he'd started crying. He tried to stop the tears but it was no use, it hurt, it was painful memorizes and he hadn't even gotten to the worst part. Alec started rocking him gently, placing kisses in his hair whispering "it's okay Mags".
Magnus really loved that new nickname, he suspected that it was more due to the fact that it was Alec who said it and less the actual name.
Magnus allowed himself to relax into Alec and he stopped fighting the pain. He cried in Alec's arms, while he soothed him, rocking him slightly, holding him tight and wiped away the tears. When Magnus's tears finally stopped, Alec put a finger under his chin, and like Magnus had done to him before, brought his face up to meet Alec's. He was met with two beautiful hazel eyes, looking at him lovingly but also a bit worried. "You can stop whenever you want, you know that right?" Alec whispered and looked straight into Magnus's eyes. He nodded in response.
"Yes, but I still want you to know the whole story" he lifted his hand and cupped Alec's face, running his thumbs over Alec's cheek bones. "It's just been so long since I've talked about this" he added, earring an understanding nod from Alec and Magnus could see a flash of sadness in his eyes. He didn't know if it was about the things Magnus had told him or if he thought about something else, something Alec hadn't talked about in a long time. It didn't matter though, Magnus wouldn't push Alec to talk about anything, just like Alec never pushed him. What he did want to do was kiss him, so he guided Alec's face down towards his as he moved to meet Alec's face.
The instant Alec's lips touched Magnus's he forgot about the pain, about the memorize, about everything that wasn't Alec. Magnus already loved the feeling of Alec's lips on his, the taste of Alec. For once their kiss remained soft and it was perfect. Not that Magnus didn't enjoy when things got heated, but the way Alec kissed Magnus was comforting. A kiss that said "I'm sorry that you had to go through that, but it doesn't change how I feel about you". A kiss that gave Magnus the courage to continue his story. Alec rested his forehead on Magnus's when they broke the kiss. Magnus kissed him quickly before settling down to continue his story.
My life changed drastically after Cole's death. I stopped going out with my friends, spending my free time to look after my mom and working extra in a shop. My mother who once had been so full of life and love was now quite and still. She stopped taking care of the garden and I had to force her to eat and shower. Somehow she managed to still go to work and make living. But since Cole had made the most of our money I worked extra to help her. When I worked Cat stayed with my mother, taking care of her and the garden. Sometimes Tessa and Ragnor came over and helped too but Cat had always had a talent when it came to taking care of people. She's a caring person and she was truly a rock during this time. Not only did she take care of my mother, she took care of me, when my energy ran out, when I broke down, she was there comforting me, telling me everything will be alright. My life went on like this for a while, I tried keeping up with my music but I didn't have time nor the energy. Then a few weeks after my 18th birthday I got home from school, only to find my mother in the bathtub. She'd slit her wrists and was already dead when I got home. I screamed, and I cried, I totally lost it. I tried to save her even though I knew it was far too late. Thankfully Ragnor and Cat had followed me home that day and they came running when they heard me scream. Ragnor called the ambulance and Cat dragged me out of the room, trying to calm me down. She also managed to take a note my mother had left. Thanks to Cat I got to keep it all to myself. I keep it with me everyday.
Magnus turned his head up to meet Alec's and he saw tears running down his cheeks, Magnus knew that he was crying too but he didn't care. He gently wiped away Alec's tears. "Do you want to read it?" The chock on Alec's face was clear.
"Only if you want me to" he answered, still in chock.
"Yes, I can't read it out loud, it's too hard, but I want you to read it." For the first time in years the letter burned a hole in his pocket. For some reason he really needed Alec to read it.
"Are you sure?" Alec asked, holding his face in his hands, his hazel eyes searching for any sign of doubt in Magnus. Alec gently stroked Magnus's face while waiting for an answer, wiping away the tears running down Magnus's cheek. Magnus loved the gentleness, the comforting way Alec looked at him and touched him, so he stayed like that on purpose, just a little while before reaching into his pocket to pull out the letter. He'd laminated it so it would hold, he thought about carrying a copy but it just wasn't the same, it didn't feel like a piece of his mother like the real letter did. Alec looked at the letter and at Magnus before taking it. He waited before he started reading it, looking at Magnus, giving him a chance to change his mind but he didn't. Magnus nodded, telling Alec that it was okay, that he could read it. And when he started reading Magus turned away, burying his face in Alec's chest, absorbing his smell, hoping that the letter wouldn't make Alec hate him. He closed his eyes as he felt Alec rubbing circles on his back with his free hand.
Dear Magnus
My lovely amazing boy. Please never forget that I love you, because I do, I love you more than anything. And I see that I am holding you back, I see how you and your friends sacrifice so much taking care of me, how you struggle. I wish you didn't have to do all that you've done, but I just couldn't find it in me to take care of myself, to be strong like you. Because I love you, I don't want to stand in the way of you becoming all you're meant to, to achieve all the amazing things I know you can. You have your entire life ahead of you and I know you'll achieve so much, you've already achieved so much. I'm so, so, proud of you my love. I wish I could stay with you, but I'll always be there, watching over you.
I've left you all my money and there's a buyer interested in the house. It's all written down in a testament, you're getting everything I own. Please sell the house, leave, go and live your life. Chase your dreams, start writing music again. I know that you can do anything you set your mind to. I'm so sorry for causing you to stop your music, my final wish is for you to pick that up again, I know how much it means to you and how much joy it brings you.
I love you my boy, I've never regretted having you, your the best thing to ever happen to me. I've always had and always will love you.
Go, be the man I know you're destined to be. I'm sorry, I love you, I'll be watching you from the other side. Love your mother.
"Oh my god, Magnus" Alec whispered and Magnus didn't dare to move, he didn't dare to look at Alec. He was afraid of what he thought of him now that he knew that Magnus had killed his mother, that he was the reason as to why she's dead. "I'm.. I'm so, so, so, sorry" Alec whispered, pulling Magnus closer, kissing his head. Magnus relaxed, Alec didn't hate him, and Magnus couldn't help but break. He cried against Alec's chest, Alec holding him tight, swaying once again. "Shh, Mags, it's going to be alright. Your mother would be proud of you" he whispered to Magnus and he shook his head.
"No, I'm the reason she's dead" he just barley managed to say the words before sobbing harder, his entire body shaking. He knew that his makeup would be totally ruined after this, not even the world's best waterproof mascara could handle all these tears, but he didn't care. Not one bit, not right now. He tried to take in the last of Alec before he pushed him away disgusted. However to Magnus's surprise that didn't happen, instead the opposite did, Alec kept pulling him closer, pressing Magnus's head onto his chest while humming words of comfort. Magnus doesn't know for how long, but they sat there until he stopped crying. When he finally did, when he finally managed to pull himself together again, and realized that he'd just bared his soul to Alec, that he had shared very private things and had a mental breakdown. This was their third date, if you counted their lunch at his place, and he talked about his dead mother and how he blames himself for her suicide. He was coming on too strong, he sucked at taking things slow and he'd probably scared Alec away. Magnus tried to pull away from Alec but he didn't get that far.
"Hey" Alec spoke softly as he grabbed Magnus's wrist "thank you for sharing this story, I know how hard this must have been to talk about. I'm glad you trust me enough to even try. Please remember what your mother did isn't your fault." Alec looked straight into his eyes as he spoke and Magnus felt himself moving closer again, Alec had managed to say exactly the right thing. Deep down Magnus knew that he wasn't to blame for his mother's death, but it felt so good hearing that from someone, especially one who didn't know his mother. He'd been told too many times from the only person, except Alec, he'd shared the story with that it was his fault. The only other person who wasn't there when it happened, who didn't know his mother. So hearing Alec say that Magnus wasn't to blame was a huge relief. A part of why he'd shared this so soon is that he wanted it done before he got too invested in Alec. Though, he knew it was already too late for that. If he wasn't sure before, he was now, it felt too good hearing Alec say that. Magnus was far too gone, the floor had cracked and he was falling, falling for Alec. And it was terrifying, but it was also amazing. He just hoped that this time would work, that Alec was the one who wouldn't break his heart. But for now Magnus absorbed every minute of their hug, of Alec, the feel of him, the smell of him, the warmth radiating from his body, keeping him warm. "This is it. This one fits" he thought to himself as he buried his face deeper into Alec's chest, melting against him, focusing on the kisses Alec placed on his head.