Still working our way through the non-House stuff. Stick with it. It'll be worth it. :)

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December 2009, Ann Arbor, Michigan

"Okay, okay, okay." Kevin's voice rises above the laughter of everyone gathered at the table for another spaghetti night. "We need to get started making some plans. Not only do we have Christmas coming but…" His eyes slide over to me with a little smirk. "…a certain someone is reaching the big five-oh."

My heart sinks almost immediately. Kenneth and I had talked about going away as a joint Christmas and fiftieth birthday celebration, but it had never come to pass. I shake my head as I stare down at my plate. "It's not that big a deal."

Kevin looks at me as if I've lost my mind. "It's a major milestone! Of course it's a big deal!"

Michael takes Kevin's hand and whispers something in his ear, and Kevin's expression immediately sobers. An uncomfortable silence falls over the table, save for the clink of silverware.

I let out a short sigh and rise from the table. "I'll just go open up another bottle of wine."

I can feel the eyes of everyone at the table on me as I stride into the kitchen and find the corkscrew, easily twisting it into the bottle and yanking out the cork. My mind can't help wandering to a million occasions just like this one, filled with teasing, laughter, and companionship. It's just not the same without Kenneth here. Sean has started to fill a hole in my life to a certain extent, but there's still something missing. This time of year, I feel it more acutely than ever.

Arms wrap around me and squeeze, and I feel the sensation of a raspberry on my neck. It's Kevin, of course. No one else in this group would dare be so intimate with me.

I glance over my shoulder into Kevin's puppy dog eyes. His chin rests on my shoulder, and any irritation I might have felt toward him dissipates. God knows I can never stay angry at the man for long.

"I'm sorry, babycakes." He tells me softly. "Wasn't thinking, as usual."

"I know, I know." I cover his hands with my own. "It's just that…we had started making plans. He was so excited, and…"

I close my eyes, not trusting my voice, swallowing the hard lump that's formed in my throat. Kevin sighs roughly behind me.

"Most wonderful time of the year my ass." He blurts out, and I can't help bursting out into laughter, turning in his arms and wrapping him in a tight hug.

"You know I love you, right?" I tell him, laughter and tears blending together.

"Like a brother, honey." Kevin answers. "A hot and sexy younger brother."

"Oh, stop." I pull back and smack his arm.

"It's true." He replies, pulling away with a teasing expression. "Whatever you're doing, it's working."

"Get out of here." I wave him away with a laugh, suddenly feeling self-conscious. "I'll be along in a minute."

Kevin gives me one last squeeze before returning to the dining room, and soon he has the room going again with his charm and humor. Just as I enter the dining room with the open bottle of wine, my doorbell starts ringing.

"Now who could that possibly be?" Jordan opens his mouth first, an amused expression crossing his features.

"No one we know." Kevin speculates. "Anyone we know would have just walked in."

I shake my head and leave them all murmuring behind me as I answer the door. Sean is standing there, flakes of snow dusting his fleece-covered shoulders and sitting in his hair. He flashes me a quick smile. "Hi."

"Hello." A warmth spreads through me as I step aside to let him in. "Did you have any trouble finding the house?"

"Oh, no." He answers, entering and stomping his feet on the mat. "I just got held up at work. Closing was crazy tonight."

"I can imagine." I take his jacket and hang it in the closet, holding back from inhaling its scent as I do so. "Ready to meet the tribe?"

"I suppose." He smiles warmly, but I can see the nervous expression behind it.

We enter the dining room, and conversation fades. I take a deep breath. "Everyone, this is my friend Sean. Sean, this is…" I start pointing around the table. "…Kevin, Michael, Sherrie, Dave, Neil, Stuart, Eric, and Jordan."

"And yes, you will be quizzed on it later." Dave jokes.

"Don't listen to him." Sherrie assures Sean, smacking her husband in the arm. "It's so nice to meet you."

The others greet Sean with the same ease and warmth, but I can't help notice that Kevin has withdrawn a bit. I shake off my discomfort and gesture toward the kitchen. "Everything's already out. Go ahead and dish up."

Sean nods and ambles into the kitchen as I ease back into my chair. Jordan eyes me with an amused expression. "So that's the infamous 'friend'. He's lovely."

Almost everyone else at the table murmurs in agreement except for Kevin, who refuses to look up from his plate. Michael murmurs something in his ear, but Kevin simply shakes his head and continues eating.

Sean soon returns with a full plate, and Jordan offers him the wine. He nods in acceptance, and Jordan pours him a glass as we get back to our meal.

"So, how did you two meet?" Sherrie asks.

Sean swallows the bite in his mouth and answers before I can open my mouth. "Julian bought shoes from me." At Sherrie's quizzical expression he explains further. "I manage the Running Fit store downtown. As I was ringing Julian up, I invited him out for some of the group runs. We got to talking, and it turned out we have a lot more in common than running." He looks over at me with a warm smile, the one that always manages to melt me. "Been hanging out with him ever since."

I feel my face heat up, and the soft laughter starts around the table. "There's no need to be embarrassed, Julian." Sherrie tells me.

"Indeed." Eric adds, directing his next comment at Sean. "It's so nice to see Julian getting out there."

It's Sean's turn to blush this time. "Oh…it's not like that. We're just friends. Really."

"Right." Jordan's voice rises above the laughter. "That's not what I've heard."

I know Jordan is merely teasing. I've told him nothing outright about the true nature of my friendship with Sean. However, he's always been able to read me, and though I've said nothing, he has some idea of what's going on.

A chair scrapes next to me, and Kevin is suddenly out of his seat and gone, storming out of the room. Jordan arches an eyebrow. "What's gotten into him?"

"Let him go." Michael tells him, shaking his head at me as I start to rise from my chair. "You know how he gets."

I do know, but I wrack my brain for what might have set Kevin off this time. After a few minutes, I can't stand it anymore. I ignore the warnings my friends call out to me as I almost instinctually throw open the front door and go outside.

It's chilly, with large snowflakes pouring down from the sky, visible in the streetlights, and I soon find Kevin pacing up and down the sidewalk, his arms wrapped around him, his breath visible even from my vantage point on the porch. I sigh heavily and pull both of our coats from the closet and trot out to meet him.

"You nitwit." I chide him as I slip his coat over his shoulders before putting on my own. "It's freezing out here."

He meets my eyes with an expression I've never seen on his face, an odd mixture of hurt and anger. As he slides his arms into his coat, he snorts almost in disgust.

"What?" I'm puzzled by Kevin's uncharacteristic behavior.

"I can't believe you don't see it." He snaps, continuing his pacing.

I throw up my hands. "See what?"

Kevin goes for his back pocket and pulls out his wallet, opening it and finding whatever it is he is looking for. "Does this look familiar?"

I take his wallet and study the picture. A shiver runs through me that has nothing to do with the air temperature.

It's a picture of Kenneth and me, taken at my med school graduation. I can't believe Kevin has hung on to it all these years. Even more unbelievable is the image of Kenneth, standing tall and proud next to me, almost half a head taller, his messy light brown hair falling in his eyes as a wide smile splits his face.

The resemblance between him and Sean is stronger than I realized, and I can't seem to stop shaking. I'm barely aware of Kevin's arms around me, his hand gently removing the wallet from my hands.

"You can't replace him." He speaks so quietly that I can barely hear him. "Believe me, babycakes, I've tried."

The last part gets my attention. "What do you mean?"

Kevin laughs harshly as he draws away from me and slides his wallet back in his pocket. "I was in love with the man before I knew you existed." He shrugs in an almost defeated motion. "But I was destined to be his silly, flighty friend while he fell in love with the brilliant young doctor."

He looks up at me while my mind scrambles to process what he's telling me. "Do you know how hard it was to share an office with him, listening to him talk about you, counseling him through the fights you two used to have, all the while hoping he'd just come to his fucking senses and see me? Do you?" He takes a deep breath before continuing. "And do you know how fucking hard it was to walk into that office and see his desk empty at the beginning of the school year?"

I can see Kevin is on the edge of falling apart, and I feel equal parts sympathy and resentment coursing through me. "You don't have to tell me. I've been coming home to an empty house for months. Sleeping in an empty bed for months." I cross the short distance between us until we're nearly nose to nose. "You didn't have to sit by and watch the man you love fade away, bit by bit." I can feel myself winding up, my anger and hurt growing as the memories push forward, memories I thought for sure were finally starting to fade.

Kevin shoves me away with a huff. "Yes, yes, fucking Saint Julian. Give me a break." His breath comes out in little puffs as he resumes his pacing. "We all watched it happen, okay? You really think you were alone in that?"

I have to concede that point. Near the end, everyone in the group took shifts to watch over Kenneth. I run a hand over my head and let out a huff. "Yes, you're right. I know. But why bring all of this up now?"

Kevin seems to have calmed down, the flash fire of his temper burning itself out and leaving him looking abjectly miserable. He's shaking, looking bewildered, almost as if he's not quite sure what brought this emotional tide on.

It is then, and only then, that it dawns on me just how much Kevin is suffering. I may have lost a man I loved deeply, but I was also secure in the knowledge that he loved me just as deeply back. Kevin never had that, and the thought that he's carried this around with him for so long breaks my heart.

I slowly approach him and gently wrap my arms around him. He stiffens in my hold at first, muttering angrily before he finally relaxes, turning to bury his face in my shoulder.

"Bitch." The single word comes out in a choked gasp as his arms wrap around my waist.

I can't help it. I start laughing. "You don't mean that."

"Sometimes I do." Kevin huffs irritably in my grasp. "But not right now. Not really." He takes in a ragged breath. "I miss him so much."

"I do, too." I tell him softly.

Kevin sighs and squeezes me. "I just can't believe you took my advice. You never take my advice."

"That's because your advice is usually awful." I laugh and give him an affectionate squeeze.

He pulls away and rolls his eyes. "Usually?"

"Okay, almost always." I can't help teasing him further, and this time he rewards me with a weak smile before nodding toward the house.

"I think we've got an audience."

I turn to see several bodies crowded in the open doorway, and I can hear the murmuring from where Kevin and I stand in the yard. While I can understand the concern, I can't help feel a bit of irritation.

"Close the door!" I call out. "I don't pay to heat the outside!"

There's a bit of muttering and grumbling before everyone goes back inside and the door closes. Kevin and I separate and give each other an appraising look.

"So…" I start.

"Right." Kevin straightens himself up, obviously attempting to pull himself together. "We should go back inside. It's freezing."

I nod, and we head back inside, neither one of us speaking as I take his coat and hang both of them in the closet. By the time we return to the dining room, it's as if the entire outburst never happened.

We finish dinner and start cleaning up as a few people leave, and soon Kevin is at the sink, scrubbing away at the dishes with a fury I've rarely witnessed. Sean cautiously approaches him, sidling up next to him to rinse.

They seem to reach an uneasy truce, and as I wipe down the stove and the center island, I can hear snatches of conversation. Nothing significant, small talk, really, but I'm grateful that they're getting along.

They finish the dishes, and Sean starts toward the living room, but Kevin catches him before he gets too far, pulling him into a quick hug before releasing him. I give them both a questioning look, but Kevin simply shrugs while Sean gives me a little smile as he passes through.

Kevin takes the foil off the selection of brownies, blondies, and cookies he has brought tonight and starts to take it into the living room. I could question him, but I know I won't get a true answer out of him.

I start a pot of coffee and lean against the door frame, listening to the conversation going on in the living room. A sadness washes over me as memories of nights just like this run through my head, and I swear I can almost hear Kenneth's deep laugh again.

The beep of the coffeemaker snaps me out of my reverie, and I retreat to the kitchen to gather mugs for all I know will want coffee.

"Need a hand?" Michael's voice makes me jump slightly.

"Sure."

Michael handles the mugs while I bring the carafe, setting them all on the coffee table. Jordan immediately jumps up in search of cream and sugar, and before long we all settle in for coffee and further conversation.

"Now then, about your birthday…" Kevin picks up where he left off earlier. "I know you said you don't want to make a fuss, but it just seems silly to let it blow by without any recognition at all."

I sigh, already knowing I'm going to make some sort of concession. There's very little point in arguing with the man. "When are you planning your pre-Christmas dinner?"

Kevin looks vaguely scandalized. "Oh, no you don't. You don't think you're going to sneak your birthday in during my pre-Christmas dinner, do you?"

"I was hoping." I mutter as I take a sip of my coffee.

"Not happening, honey." Kevin tells me firmly, taking another blondie off the tray. "I do, however, give you an 'E' for effort."

I shoot him a glare as the others laugh, even Sean, who smoothes a hand across my shoulders. Kevin tenses a little, but says nothing.

Michael places a hand on Kevin's knee and caresses him lightly before speaking. "Just give it some thought and let us know. It's not as dire an emergency as Kevin makes it sound."

I nod, and conversation soon turns to the pre-Christmas gathering coming up in a couple of weeks' time. It's a potluck, as always, and there's an in-depth discussion of the dishes we're bringing.

Sean simply shakes his head. "I'd rather not commit. I don't even know if I'll be able to make it."

Eric nods in understanding. "Retail's a bitch this time of year. I know I'll be running late myself."

Michael waves a hand dismissively. "Just show up whenever you can. The doors will be open all night."

Sean still looks doubtful, casting a look in Kevin's direction. Though it obviously hurts him a little to say it, he nods in agreement. "You heard Michael. Make it when you can. Hell, Eric's come stumbling in at midnight before. It's no problem."

"Thank you." Sean nods with a serious expression on his face, and Kevin looks vaguely uncomfortable as he murmurs a reply.

Before long the group starts breaking up, and hugs are exchanged all around. Kevin gives me a somewhat shaky smile as he hugs me hard.

"Forgive an old drama queen?" He murmurs as he rubs me between the shoulder blades.

"Nothing to forgive." I respond, already feeling the emotion swell up again.

Kevin pulls away with a sigh and turns to Sean. "Got off to a rough start, didn't we?"

Sean chuckles, glancing at the floor. "You could say that."

"I'm sorry." Kevin tells him softly, taking Sean's hand in both of his. "Do show up for pre-Christmas. And make sure this fool comes with. Julian has a tendency to shut himself away if we let him."

"I will." Sean assures him with a smile I swear could melt icebergs. It certainly seems to have had some effect on Kevin.

Soon we're alone, and Sean seems suddenly unsure of himself, hands shoved into the pockets of his work khakis. Part of me desperately wants to invite him to stay, but I still have lingering doubts about having anyone in what I still consider mine and Kenneth's bed.

"So…I should probably go." Sean finally ventures. "Got an early morning and a long day ahead of me tomorrow."

"Sure, sure." I answer a little quicker than I want to, gathering coffee mugs and taking them to the kitchen.

Sean isn't far behind me, as I soon discover when I turn back and nearly run into him. "Sorry." I mumble as I take the carafe and the tray from him.

He leans in for a quick kiss before I can turn away, the simple move sending sparks through me. I tamp down the feeling and make my way to the sink to clean up the few dishes that remain.

Sean quietly slips in beside me to rinse, and I take the opportunity to study him closer. Kevin is right, the resemblance to Kenneth is unmistakable. I find it odd that I haven't noticed it before, but it's all there. The easy laugh, the warm smile, even the hands that wander over me at every opportunity.

I'm suddenly angry. Here I had thought I had truly started to move forward with Sean, when in fact I've gone absolutely nowhere.

"Dammit." I snap in frustration and nearly throw a mug into the rinse sink.

Sean regards my sudden outburst with a raised eyebrow. "Something wrong?"

I look up at him, unable to voice my frustration. Finally I blurt out, "You're not his replacement."

Sean looks baffled for a moment before realization seems to dawn on him. He doesn't say a word, simply sliding an arm across my shoulders and drawing my body to his, his cheek pressed to mine.

I don't know how long we stand there, neither one of us speaking, while the emotional storm finally passes. Slowly I wrap my arms around his waist and place my chin on his shoulder with a sigh. "God, I'm such an idiot."

"No, you're not." Sean tells me with an affectionate laugh.

"I am." I insist. "Every time I think I've made some sort of brilliant breakthrough, something else comes up to remind me that I haven't broken through anything at all. I'm right where I was months ago."

Sean pulls back slightly with such a look of kindness and affection that it breaks my heart a little. "It's a tough time of year for anyone. You've just been hit with a double dose, that's all."

"Right." I respond softly, not entirely trusting my voice as I pull away from him, taking his hands in mine.

Sean's expression changes slightly to one of concern as his thumbs play over the backs of my hands. "Are you going to be okay tonight?"

"I don't know." The words come out in a rush. "Maybe."

Sean squeezes my hands. "You don't have to be alone if you don't want to be."

I swallow hard at that. Of course I want him here. At times I feel as if I can't get enough of anything he offers. But to have Sean here, in the house that Kenneth and I built, is a wall I simply cannot get over.

Finally I shake my head. "No, really. I'll be fine."

Sean huffs and releases my hands. "Okay. I'll see you for the group run tomorrow, right?"

"I'll be there."

He nods firmly and turns to leave the kitchen. For some unknown reason I feel the need to follow him. I watch him as he pulls his fleece jacket out of the closet and puts it on, zipping it up and finding his gloves, his keys, his phone.

"I think that's everything." He tells me with just a hint of a smile. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Okay." On impulse, I close the short distance between us and plant a brief kiss on his lips.

I should have known what would come of that. Sean's hand slides along my jaw as the kiss deepens, his tongue dipping into my mouth and finding mine.

My resistance is slipping by the minute as I unzip his jacket and tug at his shirt, finding the warm, smooth skin underneath. I hear him groan a little as he starts to do the same, pulling my shirt out of my pants and starting to unbutton it from the bottom.

"Let me in." He growls as his hands spread over my exposed chest and stomach. "Just fucking let me in."

I can't say no. I can't recall a time when I've been able to say no to him. I half guide and half drag him toward the living room, where we both land hard on the couch with him straddling me.

He ditches the fleece jacket before proceeding to strip off his polo shirt, and I smooth my hands over his chest and stomach, listening to him hum in appreciation. I slide my hands to his back and pull him toward me, feeling him already hard against me, while I'm well on my way.

"Right here?" He asks me.

Better here than in my bed. I'm still not ready to have anyone there. "Why not?" I respond in what I hope sounds like a teasing tone.

Sean smiles and leans in for another quick kiss before sliding off my legs and onto his knees in front of me and starting to work at my pants. Before I know it, he has them undone, and he's sliding them off my body, his hand wrapping around my hardening flesh.

He soon replaces his hand with his mouth, nearly sending me over with the sensation of his lips and tongue working over me. A soft sigh escapes me as I run my hands through his hair.

"You like that?" Sean teases me as he pulls off me, still stroking me with his hand.

"Yes." I laugh a little, caressing his soft hair. "And you know I do."

He looks away, reaching into his pocket and producing a condom and some lube. I can't see how this is going to work. My body definitely doesn't bend that way anymore.

Sean rips open the condom and rolls it over me, following it with a healthy slathering of lube. My heart starts pounding a little at the idea of what might follow.

In a couple of swift moves, Sean drops his pants and straddles me again, guiding me deep inside him almost before I'm aware of what's happening. I let out a sharp gasp at the sensation.

"Fuck." I clutch at his hips as he starts to slide up and down.

Sean leans forward slightly and kisses me hard. "I love making you swear. So hot."

I respond by pushing deeper into him, and I'm rewarded with a hiss and moan of pleasure from Sean. "You can do better than that." He tells me in a rush.

I shift slightly, building a steady rhythm that soon has both of us at a loss for words.

"That's it, that's it." Sean murmurs softly, leaning forward, his forehead touching mine as his climax builds. He goes first with a rough moan, bracing himself against the back of the couch and pressing kisses into my cheek.

It isn't long before I follow, wrapping my arms around Sean as the shock waves go through me, over and over again. I finally sigh and relax, letting my hands rest at the small of Sean's back.

We're quiet for a few minutes before Sean speaks. "Well, I certainly wasn't expecting all that when you invited me for spaghetti night."

I laugh and squeeze his rear. "But I see you came prepared."

"Of course." Sean leans back and gives me a wide smile. "Because, well, you never know."

"Right." I run my hands up and down his back, not quite ready for him to get off me just yet. I must admit, in our brief time together, I've come to enjoy the physical closeness.

Sean finally sighs and starts to climb off me, and we start to clean up as best we can given the circumstances. I'm tempted to ask him to stay, but I'm not sure I'm quite ready to let him that far into my life.

I realize I'm being silly. We've slept together at his apartment countless times. This should be no different. What am I so afraid of, really?

Of course it's obvious. I don't want to erase Kenneth's memory, it's as simple as that.

"A penny for your thoughts." Sean's voice breaks me out of my reverie.

I look up at him, at that slightly amused expression, that messy hair that has gotten even messier, and I melt. "Stay."

He looks down at me and holds out his hand, pulling me off the couch and wrapping me in his arms. "All you ever had to do was ask."

My heart flips a little. I can't help it. I don't want to fall for this young man, I truly don't. It's so soon.

And yet, as we each take our respective showers and curl up in my bed, something about this feels right. I know it shouldn't, but it does. It feels good to share my bed again.

I hear Sean's breathing even out and settle into steady snoring. It's only then that I dare pull out the picture of Kenneth, lightly rubbing it with my thumb.

"He's here, in our bed." I tell the picture. "I didn't think it would happen so soon." I take a deep breath. "But it's just been so lonely without you. I miss you, honey."

"Who're you talking to?" Sean murmurs as he shifts next to me.

"No one." I quickly slide the picture under my alarm clock and turn over to place an arm over Sean.

He covers my hand with his and quickly falls back asleep, and I let out a long sigh. Someday, I'm sure, I'll get used to sleeping with someone besides Kenneth. Apparently I'm just not quite there yet.

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