If It Weren't For You – Chapter 10

By MyNameIsCAL

-Iggy's POV-

I sucked in a breath.

Darkness.

Well, I certainly wasn't dead. Or if I was, this was hell because I always envisioned heaven with me being able to see again.

"Fang…"

I heard movement to my right. "Iggy!"

"Fang?"

A hand came around my wrist, lifting my hand. "Yes, it's me, Ig."

Fang pressed my hand against his face, rough from not shaving. He started to tell me what happened, how he had shot himself to shoot the gunman, and that he had talked to Max already. I was barely hearing him though, my concentration on his hand that was still around my wrist.

"F-Fang?" I interrupted him.

"Yes, Iggy?"

"Can I tell you something?"

He nodded. "Of course."

"Max didn't tell you why I took off?" I asked.

"No, she didn't."

"It was over you."

"Over me?" I felt him frown. "Why?"

I closed my eyes. "I think you've saved me twice now, and you know, I'd be kicking myself all the way to hell, or heaven, if I don't tell you this, Fang. Maybe my time's running out anyway. I've faced death too many times now."

"Don't say that." His grip around my wrist tightened. "We were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. At least that's how I feel after being in the hospital so many times."

Was he actually trying to make me laugh? I gave him a smile and then let it fade away. "Ever since the day I met you, Fang, I knew it was you. Since you were so willingly were open to whatever crazy methods of communication I had brought up even since the first time we met. And I don't even know how to put this nicely anymore, and I'm not going to try to disguise it either, but I'm in love with you, Fang. But I don't want to scare you away."

"You're not going to scare me away," he said. "I promise."

I suddenly felt like crying, and maybe he could tell because he slipped his hand into mine. "You know, I went to score some meth before I went to the grocery store. If it weren't for all of this, you and Max would probably be dragging my ass back to rehab again."

"That's supposed to make me feel better?" I tried to blink back tears.

"Well, you're smiling," he said quietly. "Besides, in a way, you saved me too tonight."

I opened my mouth to say more, but he cut me off.

"You should rest. Max said she'll try to get here tomorrow if the roads are cleared and the snow has stopped. I'll be here when you wake up."

I woke to Fang's voice the next morning. He was on the phone with Max. Whatever he had been saying to Max had made its way into the last part of my dream.

"The roads are bad, Max. Stay home. The doctor will be discharging Iggy tomorrow anyway," he said gruffly.

Just barely I could make out Max's voice. "Tell him I'm sorry though, alright."

She didn't know I had told Fang though.

"I will," Fang said. "Is Ava awake?"

There was a pause.

"Hey, Ava." I could almost envision Fang smiling. "Daddy misses you. I'll be home real soon, okay? Don't drive your mother crazy. I miss you."

There was another pause and then Fang was saying goodbye to Max.

"Morning," he said to me.

"Morning," I repeated. "Did you sleep?"

He took a seat to my right. "Not really. For a little while. My leg and my shoulder are killing me though."

"You didn't let them drug you." It was a statement.

"I've been through worse. You shouldn't worry about me."

Usually Fang was changing the subject, but this time I did. I knew he didn't want to talk about the pain anyway. "What am I going to tell Max?"

"What do you mean?" And then, "Oh, right. You told me and she doesn't know that. She says she's sorry by the way."

I shook my head. "I overreacted. She was just looking out for me."

"Tell her you told me. It's not a big deal, Ig. No hard feelings, I promise."

"You're never this nice to me, Fang."

He took a moment to reply this time. "Maybe I've just been too mean to you."

It was three days before Christmas now. Fang finally had his arm out of the sling, and he was trying to get it moving again. He walked around the apartment, carrying Ava. She was laughing, and I wished I could see her too.

The past few weeks had been uneventful. Fang had fallen back into his brooding self. I thought maybe, and I was probably being foolish, that he had feelings for me too. Whatever hopes I had were slipping through my fingers now.

At first Max was worried that my admittance might start to upset Fang, but even though he didn't seem any happier than before, he didn't seem anymore depressed either. I tried not to make it seem like I was trying to spend more time around him.

And then one night I lay awake, listening to him rustle through his drawers. I thought he was looking for some old stash, and then I heard him trudge to the bathroom and the toilet flush about four times. Something was up.

I got out of bed, feeling the walls to move down the hallway. The bathroom door opened and Fang walked into me.

"What the—" He grabbed me by the shoulders to stop me from falling backwards. "I'm sorry, I should be more careful."

"Are you okay?" I questioned.

He let out a breath, letting go of me. "I got rid of those drugs I picked up that day I had to go after you. I've been meaning to do it, but I didn't want Max to see them either."

"Oh." I felt guilty for thinking that he had been taking drugs instead.

"I've been thinking about all of that," he told me. "And after all that happened, I'd feel stupid if I ended up taking them. I should have gotten rid of them sooner."

"Well, you got rid of them and that's what counts."

He paused, and I had a feeling he was nodding. "Guess so."

We said goodnight, but I lay awake listening to his breathing until I fell asleep.