A/N: I love my headcanon Kaidan to bits. He is super charming, a romantic and just your all-around perfect guy. But he can't be too perfect, right? So this chapter came from those thoughts. And thank you so much for the follows and favorites as life and other fics had distracted me from my original Rachel Shepard and Kaidan! Hope you enjoy this little treat!

Joker smiled to himself as he sat with his console getting the final touches to Kaidan's not-so-bachelor bachelor party. As he clicked the last box closed and shut off his terminal, he said aloud, "Kaidan, this is going to be the time of your life!"

Opening his omni-tool, Joker sent a quick message to the entire group attending.

Don't forget Kaidan's bash, everyone. We start at my place at 2100. Bring lots of creds. We're going to be commemorating the sap's bachelorhood this weekend (AKA tear shit up)!

-Joker

Kaidan rolled his eyes when he saw the message. He was a little bit anxious about what the outcome of the evening might be, and more than a little irritated with himself for having suggested it. In all reality, he was fine with not having a bachelor party and only said anything because of his excitement in seeing everyone on the Normandy again.

"So, a whole weekend out with the boys, eh?" said Shepard playfully, giving Kaidan's shoulders a little massage.

"Yeah, but I don't have to go…especially if you keep doing that," he replied as his head leaned in toward her kneading fingers.

"Nope, you're the guest of honor, and besides, I want to see the embarrassing pics and vids when it's all done," she laughed, slapping his shoulders and walking away.

"We're meeting at Joker's at 2100. That's all I know. I can't say where we'll be after that. Maybe I should take my 'tool."

Shepard stopped abruptly and turned around. "Kaidan, I love you and I'm only going to say this once. Quit worrying. Just go and have a good time. I know how guys are and I know things may get rowdy. It's hard for me to believe you've never once gotten a little crazy?"

Kaidan smiled and walked toward his wife. "I guess I'm just out of practice. I mean, at least in my mind, I've been a one-woman man for years."

"And you will continue to be for years to come." A baby's cry interrupted Shepard, and she started to walk toward the nursery. "Now get ready before I kick you out of the house. And don't forget clean underwear," she snorted.

Kaidan dutifully went to the shower and stepped in. Embarrassing pics and vids. That's exactly what I'm worried about. Something'll get posted to the extranet and…God, that stuff never dies. But the warm water and steam worked their magic and Kaidan's mind calmed as he finished bathing.

Wrapping a towel around his waist, he walked into the adjoining bedroom where Shepard was tending to baby Eli.

"Hey handsome," Shepard said without looking up. "Promise me you won't be a stick in the mud?"

Kaidan pulled a leather jacket and collared button-up shirt from the closet and a pair of dark jeans from a drawer. "I won't, dear." His voice was dripping with sarcasm. "I'll be fine. It'll be nice to get out with the guys again."

"Ok, just so you know…Garrus is going to report everything to me."

"Just like the old days, eh?"

"Damn straight, Major."

Kaidan laughed as he finished dressing. "You know, you are probably the first woman in the history of forever who is forcing her husband to have a good time on what is likely to be a weekend of debauchery and drunkenness."

"Only because I have my own lecherous plans in motion with the girls…" Shepard stole a quick peck as she left the room. Kaidan's curiosity was piqued.

"Is that lecherous plans with girls? Or just plans with the girls?"

"Like I would tell you!"

"You have Garrus reporting on us!"

"Yep, and I never said you couldn't spy on me, just let me know about it."

"Wow, Rachel, you are something else," Kaidan said, shaking his head and smiling.

"Yes, I am, now get going before you are late!" She gave his ass a playful swat.

When Kaidan arrived at Joker's apartment, he thought everyone else was already there. Garrus was sitting on the couch chatting with Vega. Joker waved from the kitchen counter. Cortez was standing near Joker, looking slightly uncomfortable. Ken Donnelly and Greg Adams were also standing near the kitchen laughing over some shared joke.

"Hey Kaidan! 'Bout time you showed up!" Joker said. "Did your hair take too long to fix?"

Kaidan laughed in spite of himself. "I don't know how many times I have to tell you, it's the biotics. I can't help the static it causes. I can only try to control what happens to my hair."

"You could just get it cut short like mine," quipped Cortez.

"I don't know that Rachel would like that much," joked Kaidan, involuntarily running his hand through his hair.

"No way! Shepard likes it like mine, jefe," Vega's loud voice piped in. "You know she thinks I'm dead sexy, Papito." The bulky man ambled up and gave Kaidan a little elbow. "So when's this thing gonna get movin', Hef?"

"Keep your boxers on, Vega," said Joker. "I was just making sure everyone got a little…hydration before we headed out." The pilot handed Kaidan a drink he had just mixed.

Kaidan nodded his thanks and took a drink. This wasn't an Earth liquor to be sure. It stung his throat going down, much more than the Peruvian whiskey he liked, but then strangely it ended in a cool, smooth finish. He wasn't sure, but he thought he felt the alcohol's effects from just one drink.

"What is this?" Kaidan asked.

"A little something I picked up on Tuchanka. When you are stuck there for months with stinky krogan, you either get drunk or you fight, or both. I just got drunk. Garrus did all the fighting."

"Hells yeah," said Vega. "Hef is a world-class bartender. He could have opened up his own place on Tuchanka. Throw me one of those too!"
Joker slid another glass of his concoction down the counter to Vega, who drank the whole glass in a single chug. "Come on, Papito," said Vega. "Drink it like a man."

Garrus leaned against the counter. "I'll admit, Joker does have a flair with the booze. Never saw it coming. This innocent drink, purple of all damn colors. Looks like a girly drink, but packs a hell of a wallop." He took his drink and also quickly downed it.

Kaidan followed suit and swallowed his own. He knew biotics didn't get drunk easily and he wondered why he was already buzzing and it seemed like the other guys weren't even affected. "Want another, boys?" Joker asked. He was answered with Vega's loud, "Fuck yeah!"

Picking up his refilled glass, Kaidan drained his drink without hesitation. He nodded his head, feeling warm and happy. "You know...I think I'm ready to raise a little hell!"

A cheer rose up from the group as Joker's apartment door opened again. "Don't start without me!" a booming krogan voice called. Kaidan turned to see Wrex. "Hey, man, I thought you stayed on Tuchanka!"

"I did, until I got an invitation to the 'party of the millennium.' I figured it was time for both of us to take a break from the daddy business and be men again," Wrex said to Kaidan. Then looking to Joker, "I was promised booze, so where is it?"

"Right here, Wrex. Got a couple lined up for you," said Joker motioning to a row of full glasses. Wrex made them look like child's toy cups as he drained the row in less than a minute.

"Ok guys, I got a big ass limo to drive us around, so let's get out of here!" Joker the guys exited the apartment, Kaidan was still wondering why he felt so tipsy.

Squeezing into the back of the limo, Joker found a spot next to Kaidan. "I honestly can't tell you how good it is too see you, man. Those months not knowing about you and Shep..." The pilot stopped and looked down at his feet.

Kaidan smiled. "Hey, it's all in the past. We had faith in you. We knew you'd bring the old girl home safe." Joker gave a quick nod and looked to the rest of the men. "All right," he said, quickly composing himself, "we have a flight out of here in a few hours, but first we are heading to a nice place to eat. My dad always told me never to drink on an empty stomach."

"But we already have," protested Wrex. "Let's get to the food before I get grouchy."

Joker tapped on the glass to the driver. "Let's go. We got a hungry krogan back here."

When the limo stopped, Vega was the first to exit. "Holy shit! Hef, you are a genius!" he laughed. "I didn't know places like this existed on Earth!"

Kaidan slid out and looked. It was a brightly lit building with the words Blue Heaven in neon at the top. "Oh my God," he said. "This reminds me of Chora's Den, except not as subtle."

"Move it, Alenko," laughed Garrus as he pushed the man toward the entrance.

The place was surprisingly clean and didn't smell like...well, like sex, thought Kaidan. There were several stages where women of numerous species were dancing in what would hardly be classified as clothing.

"This place has food?" Kaidan whispered skeptically to Joker as the group sat around a large oblong table that had its own pair of writhing asari dancing.

Joker raised his hand dismissively. "This is a high class place, Kaidan. Damn, I thought you grew up here. Didn't your dad educate you on anything?"

Vega gave a loud whoop as one of the women contorted herself in a way Kaidan didn't think was possible. His eyes were wide and not looking at Joker when he answered, "I guess not."

"You may not yet be loosened up enough, Alenko." A barely covered turian woman appeared by Joker. "Miss, we need some serious drinks around here. Especially this guy," he said motioning to Kaidan. "Make sure you give him Tuchankan Sunsets."

She returned quickly with a human and two asari, helping her carry all the drinks. The human woman gave Kaidan two of the purple concoctions that Joker had made at his apartment. She smiled at him with her full, dark lips. "I know who you are," she said quietly as she set her tray down and wound her arms around his neck slowly. "Thank you. I know any of us here would be more than happy to give you a free dance as a show of gratitude. It isn't every day we get heroes of the galaxy to stop in!"

Kaidan didn't look up, but took a long draw on his drink. She said it was ok...Rachel said I could go...I'm not doing anything wrong...I haven't done anything wrong..."I think Kaidan would love to take you up on that offer, m'lady," laughed Joker. "We are here in his honor. Guy went and got himself hitched and did the daddy thing."

"Aww, you are a dad too?" the lady said in a sweet voice. "That's wonderful! You deserve a good time." Her voice went low as her body began to sway and she pulled Kaidan's chair away from the table. The other guys laughed and hooted as the woman performed a stunning lap dance to an even more stunned Kaidan. By the end, both of his drinks were empty and he smiled appreciatively at the woman as she walked away.

The men ate and drank and enjoyed a few more "dances of gratitude" from the ladies. Donnelly groaned loudly when Joker said it was time to head to the transport. "Joker," he said in his Irish brogue, "I was just about to get the lady's number...for Adams, of course." A quick elbow from Adams elicited a yelp from Donnelly. "I thought you liked turians," Donnelly laughed.

The limo ride to the transport was a bit more raucous as the men were now a good bit intoxicated. Even Cortez had gotten into the spirit of things and was telling a particularly raunchy joke, which had Wrex guffawing loudly.

Kaidan felt his head spinning as they exited and walked toward the transport. "Where are we headed, Joker?" he asked. "Where any good bachelor party is held, Alenko! Vegas!"

The transport was lavish and comfortable. The men settled in and were promptly served by the staff. Kaidan was given another one of those purple drinks. He drank it thirstily...

x-X-x

Kaidan rolled over and moaned. His eyes opened, but they felt sticky. The room looked familiar, as did the bed he was in. He blinked a few times to try and get his bearings. A roaring headache suddenly assaulted his brain. "Oh damn..."

"You ok there, sexy?" Kaidan's eyes slowly reopened and he saw Shepard sitting on the edge of the bed, cradling Eli. "Rach?" he said in confusion.

"Wha-How did I get here?"

"You came home like everyone else did...bombed out of your mind."

He attempted to sit up, but the pounding made him fall back into his pillow. "I fucked up Joker's weekend, didn't I?"

Shepard laughed wickedly. "Oh no...from what I've seen, you guys had a great time."

"Wait...you mean today isn't Saturday?"

Another snicker. "No, my hungover husband, it's Monday."

Kaidan laid his arm over his face. "Wow, I don't remember anything."

Scooting closer and planting a gentle peck on his arm, Shepard lay a datapad on his stomach. "Maybe these pics and vids will jog your memory."

Kaidan opened the first file and looked. It was a pic of him, bare chested, standing on top of a quasar machine with Garrus. "Why do I have blue paint on me?"

"Garrus made you a part of his turian tribe. I think it was a very solemn occasion," Shepard giggled.

The next file was a vid, and Kaidan groaned at the sound of his own voice.

"Ok, guys...you getting this?" his voice whispered to whomever was running the camera. They were walking quickly out of a casino to a large fountain that a crowd of people were watching.

"These guys don't know what's coming!" Kaidan laughed quietly. His body turned blue as his biotics manifested and he used his power to take a large amount of water from the fountain's pool and threw it toward the crowd, soaking dozens. People shrieked from shock as the camera turned away with Kaidan, now running, in front of it. "Shit! Let's get out of here!" Garrus' voice could be heard saying.

"Oh my God," said Kaidan as the vid ended. "Did I get arrested?"

"No...it was just you two and your transport left for home right after. I guess no one got a good look."

"Was Garrus..."

"Sober? Yes. He was the one behind the camera," Shepard smiled. "Apparently Tuchankan Sunsets only affect humans and krogan. Vega was found shitfaced in another casino across town, passed on top of a blackjack table. Donnelly was found inside another asari strip club claiming he was picking up women for Adams. Cortez and Joker knew the effects as well, so they didn't drink like you did. Wrex said he was impressed with your alcohol consumption and invited you to Tuchanka to compete in some sort of contest."

"But Garrus said the drinks pack a hell of a wollop..."

"He was bullshitting you, Kaidan. He spent months on Tuchanka watching everyone else get wrecked."

"How do you know all this?"

Shepard lay baby Eli on the bed and tickled his belly. The infant gurgled a happy noise. "Am I or am I not Commander Fucking Shepard? They may have said once 'What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas,' but 'what Commander Shepard wants, she gets,' is the law now."

Kaidan smiled through the throbbing in his head. "So did I do anything really bad?"

"Only with me when you got home last night. It was a night for the ages," she smiled coquettishly.

"Is there a vid of that on here? That's one I'd like to watch," Kaidan smirked.

"Yeah, but I don't think you'll like Garrus' commentary."

"Wait, what?"