Ling Tong Is Male, Hugely Pregnant, And Naked In Front Of A Lot Of People, Sun Quan Attempts To Put Overemotional, Irritable, Insane, and Volatile Enemies (def: (n) People who love and hate each other to extreme degrees, at the same time) In A Too-Small Room, and Doctor Wars: Clash Of The MDs
Ling Tong scrabbled for a handhold on the white sheets. That done, he let out a groan and heaved his enormous abdomen up into a more comfortable position. He hoped that he was only imagining the feel of the child inside sloshing around like a bean in a bag full of water.
"Yeah, yeah, so I just sit here in a white robe like a chick at a funeral?" Ling Tong snorted, leaning back on the raised bed.
"Yeah, yeah." Gan Ning yawned and stretched. "Gotta say, knowing you it wouldn't be your funeral." The pirate's hands reached out from behind Ling Tong and ran through the younger man's hair and along his neck.
Ling Tong shivered pleasantly at the touches. "Mmm, Ning, what are you doing?" he murmured as fingers caressed his ears. He tilted his head, leaning into the pirate's hands.
"You seemed stressed," the pirate said, still stroking his face.
"Congratulations Ning, stating the obvious. Let's get a bit of empathy on, if you can," Ling Tong snapped.
A hand strayed into the robe and touched Ling Tong's growing mound. Gan Ning leaned over the younger man's shoulder with interest.
The hand continued to move, stroking its fingers in circles around Ling Tong's popping bellybutton. "I think it's kinda too big," he said, as if unsure of what to make of this new development.
"There's a baby in there," Ling Tong said, putting a hand on the back of Gan Ning's and guiding it around the mound. "See? Baby."
"Oh."
"Must be a big baby by the looks of it…" He rolled his eyes. "I feel like Xu Zhu after a buffet."
"Huh?"
"Fat." Ling Tong sighed and smoothed back his hair, looking depressed.
"Here, I'll make you feel better." Without asking for permission, Gan Ning strode around behind him and grabbed the taller man's hips, yanking them back to meet his own. Ling Tong took a moment of pride to think that even if his waist was ballooning like an anxious pufferfish at least everything else was just as sculpted and, well, did he dare flatter himself, appealing, as it was before this whole mess.
Ling Tong grinned to himself as he felt the pirate shifting him into a better position and fumbling with the ties of his pants in the front. The day was about to get a whole lot better-
"Cough, cough, Gan Ning, Ling Tong, don't do anything." Lu Meng pushed the door open and strode in, giving the younger men another one of his patronizing I-know-what-you're-going-to-do-so-don't-do-it looks. "No one's going to want to examine you in that state."
"What? Noooo!" Ling Tong cried in despair, sitting back down. "Geez, can't you just give me a break?"
"Yeah, old man! ...And what examination?" Gan Ning demanded. "Who's examining Tong?"
"Well, since Shu has come… We thought… Now would be a good time to… You know, examine you." Lu Meng let out a slightly embarrassed cough. "Cao Cao is eager enough as is, and there aren't anymore excuses for waiting, I suppose…"
"What?" Ling Tong shouted, sitting up bolt upright. The open robe folded open around his pregnant midsection. "Examine me? That's okay, but who is the one examining?"
"Madam Du and… You've never met him but his family name is Tao, his given name is Yang, and his Taoist title is Galloping Tortoise. Doctor Tao. He is highly thought of by Hua Tuo and is expert in the ailments of both men and women… So… He was the best choice, you see."
"Uh-huh… So… You seem to be making excuses for him or something," Ling Tong said suspiciously.
"Well, Doctor Tao is a little bit eccentric. Hah. Hah. Nothing big though. Just little quirks everyone has… Doesn't make him a bad person, no, it doesn't…" Lu Meng said, suddenly very interested in the woodwork on the windows.
"Whatever," Ling Tong slowly said, still wary.
"Can't be worse than the priest who started all this!" Gan Ning chirped from behind.
"Oh no, Ning, can't be worse than an old man who gets a kick out of pushing vaginas into young men. Anyways, so, let's get this over with, if the doctors are here."
"….Wait a while, Ling Tong," Lu Meng said.
"Huh? Why?"
"Well… Shu was a little bit preoccupied when I last saw them… Another row over certain materials banned by Master Zhuge. So we're waiting… I mean, we don't want them to feel unwelcome or left out if only us and Wei get to examine you," Lu Meng said patronizingly.
"Say that again? For a moment, I thought that you were implying that all the kingdoms were going to barge in here and put their slimy little eyes all over me. Hello? Privacy, and if even applicable anymore, my dignity?" Ling Tong snorted.
"Dignity? You're preggers!" Gan Ning chortled. "Can't have both if you're a man!"
"Ning, usually you can't have that second thing if you're a man. Anyways, oh yes, we'll put three kingdoms' worth of enemies in the same room, ignoring the fact that most of them are nuts and violent, sadistic madmen who would rape a rabid mountain lion just because they were horny, yeah, put them all together and hope that nothing happens?" Ling Tong sneered, running a hand over his swelling stomach. It had become a habit, like biting nails, something to do with his hands. He had realized it and tried to stop the first time Gan Ning noticed and laughed aloud, but to no avail. His long fingers tapped along a light tan line stretching from his crotch to his navel and across the tight, smooth sphere of his abdomen.
"Well, I am sure they will behave themselves, all of them. They are all mature and disciplined individuals. And they are the finest and greatest of all the men in China. I am sure that they will act like it," Lu Meng said with so much desperate conviction that for a moment Ling Tong nearly believed him until he remembered who exactly they were talking about.
"Uh. Yeah. Of course."
"Who said you could walk in first?"
"Stop touching me! I said, stop touching me!" Sima Yi screamed.
"He bumped me! Guan Yu just bumped me! Did anyone see that? He just shoved me aside!"
"I did not!"
"You so did! Everyone saw that, right?"
"Shut up Xiahou Yuan! No one cares- arg! You bumped me back on purpose!" Zhang Fei screamed and pushed the bear-like general, who collided with Lu Xun and sent the boy tumbling.
"Oof!" he squealed as Lu Meng caught him and pulled him upright by the pants. "Oh, thank you Master Lu!"
"No problem at all," Lu Meng said, breaking into an awkward sweat. "Just a moment-" He backed away to get a breath of air, only to slam his back into Xiahou Yuan.
"GAWWWRRR!" Xiahou Yuan grabbed the nearest thing and began to pound in Lu Meng with it. Unfortunately that 'nearest thing' happened to be Pang Tong.
"Arg! Ouch! Ouch! Put me down!"
"What are they doing to Pang Tong? Someone stop Xiahou Yuan- ARGGG STOP TOUCHING ME!" Sima Yi shrieked.
"I am not touching you!" Huang Gai snapped.
Zhang Liao rubbed his face with his hands. "We're all crammed in here like rice in a bag! It's inevitable that someone will brush up against someone!"
"He was brushing his hand on me on purpose! Just to spite me! He knows I don't like people touching me- GET AWAY FROM ME! GAH!"
"See? I told you! We're all trying to get through the same door, and we're all stuck in the same room, so it's inevitable that we'll all be touching each other," Zhang Liao explained slowly. "So just calm down and get over- …Lord Liu Bei, I know that's you. Please get your hands off of my rear end."
"Sorry, I just brushed against you; we're just all crammed so tight you see…"
Zhang Liao snarled and whirled around, reaching for his halberds, which weren't there due to the first sensible precaution anyone had taken the entire time: Leave your weapons in your room.
"Are you threatening my brother?" Guan Yu roared. "Stand, scoundrel, and fight me- Oh, sweet Wenyuan, it's you, why don't you come stand next to me? I know we're all packed in here, so you know, it's natural that-"
"NO!" Zhang Liao screamed and ducked behind Huang Gai, fuming angrily at the nostrils.
The pirate and the pregnant man watched the parade of flashy costumes, armor, and headdresses. It was actually quite a spectacle, watching as embroidered sleeves swished like wings, armor shone and clanged brightly, and headgear bobbed up and down as if on a gentle breeze (although in reality, it was due to the head underneath that headgear getting beaten in by someone else). Ling Tong curled up a lip. If he was going to have to go through the sheer embarrassment of being stripped, poked, and prodded in front of all three kingdoms he hoped that his audience was going through just as much torment as he was.
And besides, they were getting irritated and angry beyond belief, and he didn't even have to lift a finger!
"Lord Strategist, I am getting hungry," Zhao Yun whined.
"Lord Kongming, is there a bathroom anywhere?" Ma Chao asked.
"Lord Zhuge, where's my father? Lord Zhuge!" Guan Ping bleated.
"Hey Liang, I can't find the, you know, the red box of things I bought. Do you remember where you put them?" Liu Bei said, tugging on Zhuge Liang's sleeve. "…Liang?"
Zhuge Liang took a deep breath. "Zhao Yun, I packed you a meatbun. It's in the back pocket of my knapsack. Ma Chao, you just went five minutes ago. Just hold it. Guan Ping, he's over there in an argument with Xiahou Yuan. My lord Liu-"
"Lord Strategist, this is the wrong kind of meat-"
"But I really really really need to go-"
"FUCK YOU ALL!" Zhuge Liang yelled, flinging Ma Chao and Guan Ping aside with a crackle of blue fire and marching to the front.
"This is why I used the side door," sighed a rather nonchalant voice. Cao Cao stepped out of the melee with Xiahou Dun on his arm and Xu Chu behind him (Dian Wei was last seen punching Wei Yan somewhere in the middle of the crowd). "Well, where is the lord Sun? I would advise starting before any more people lose any more brain cells…" The Prime Minister yawned in a feline manner and narrowed his eyes at Ling Tong. "Well, General Ling, aren't you getting rather large. Hope for a big healthy son, I suppose."
"Thanks," Ling Tong said without any actual thankfulness. He looked around as slowly, the chaos died a bit down (ie. they started running out of fresh heads to bash), and the other two lords and their high officials were able to make their way to the front.
As if on cue, the door slid open again, and Madame Du walked in, a cheerful expression on her grandmotherly face.
"Well, General, g'day, how have you been? Any new pains, problems?" she asked, walking briskly to the examination bed. She didn't bother to even hint at "excuse me." Rather, she barged her way through like a pudding-shaped battering ram, stepping on anyone who was in her way. The great general Guan Yu found his metal-framed boots sporting a new dent, and the steel tips of Zhang Liao's shoes were suddenly not so tippy anymore.
"Hi," Ling Tong said grudgingly as Madame Du approached. "Been fine, aside from everything I already wrote to you about," he muttered, suddenly aware that everyone, literally everyone, was watching him. For the first time in a while, he felt slightly at loss for words. "Back aches, cramping legs, indigestion, feeling unbalanced, more cramps, general aches, aches, aches, the whole drill."
"Good, good. Well-"
"Lady Du," Sun Quan said, standing. "Before you press on with your examinations, I would like to give all our esteemed scholars and warriors to have a chance to examine my general."
"S'okay," Madame Du said, stepping aside. "Suppose this is all pretty important stuff. Don't stress him out, though," she warned, shaking a finger at the ruler of the South.
"We will not," Sun Quan promised placatingly. "Ling Tong, can you disrobe?"
Ling Tong snorted. "What?"
Sun Quan looked pleadingly at Gan Ning for help. "Ling Tong, we are all mature men," he said, despite all evidence to the contrary. "And we all need a chance to examine this up close…"
"C'mon, Tong, you do it in front of me all the time!" Gan Ning wheedled.
"I didn't know that this was a stripshow," he said. "No."
"Ling Tong, for the sake of our country and good relations, please! It's an order!"
Ling Tong really had no idea how this was contributing to Wu's well being, but it was an command; he rolled his eyes but complied. "But if I see anyone jacking off to this…" he warned. His hands fumbled the sash and the robes, and he tasted a bit of bile in his throat. Normally flaunting his fine body and muscular physique was a breeze… But being a pregnant man made all the difference, really. He felt distinctly awkward and embarrassed. Stupid baby. Stupid big fat stomach. Stupid ugly bellybutton. He kept his pants resolutely tied on, albeit very low on his hips. Bugger them if they thought anyone'd be getting a full-out show.
The swish of robes sliding off had the same effect as a giant invisible hand suddenly descending on the gathered men. They all shifted closer as one mass, silent as they could be (expect for Cheng Pu, who had allergies and had run out of napkins, but that wasn't anyone's fault).
He pushed the robe back within easy reach and sat back on his heels, resting his hands on his stomach. "Okay, I'm here. Give me your worst."
Cao Cao, being the closest non-host person, stepped forward, cutting off Liu Bei's path. He leaned close to Ling Tong, flickering inquisitive eyes all over him.
"Well, well," the Prime Minister said regally. "Do you mind?" Without waiting for a response, he pulled back his long sleeves and set his hands onto Ling Tong's abdomen. Cao Cao continued rubbing his hands around, feeling the mound all over. "Interesting…" Without any warning, he pulled down Ling Tong's pants, pushed his legs back, and tugged the hanging genitals aside, revealing the curious opening.
"What do you know! On the outside, it does look rather different than a woman's. Hmm, do you mind?" Cao Cao asked lightly, then began to probe the proffered parts with an inquisitive hand.
"Hey!" Ling Tong shouted, flushing angrily. "Hey, this is-"
"Ling Tong, I understand that this must be… Rather unusual for you… But please just cooperate. This is an important part of the situation…" Lu Meng pleaded.
Ling Tong gritted his teeth and submitted to the indignity- no, horror- of the part.
"Do you mi-"
"I don't know what you're about to say, but I'm pretty sure that I will mind!" Ling Tong snapped.
Cao Cao chuckled and brought his face next to Ling Tong's. "It's okay. You may meet me later, in private."
Flushing angrily, Ling Tong hauled his pants back up and tied them in triple knots. "Whoever told you that this was a petting zoo was probably mistaken, you know."
"But admit it. The part you are trying to hide is already half of the main curiosity…"
"Great, so look at the other fifty percent then."
The Prime Minister gave him a slow, feline smile. "Plenty of time for that later, I suppose… Well, I shan't hog your attentions. Thank you, General," he said, stepping aside for Liu Bei, who was already impatiently peering over.
The first thing that the ruler of Shu did when he approached was to go straight for Ling Tong's pants.
"Hey!" the pregnant man snarled, lashing out with a foot and clasping his hands protectively over the ties. "Didn't I just say that this wasn't a peepshow?"
"Cao Cao got to see!" Liu Bei complained.
"Only because I couldn't stop him!"
"But that's not fair."
"Well, your mom-"
"Ling Tong, don't say it!" Lu Meng cried.
"Your face-"
"Ling Tong!"
Ling Tong sighed and rolled his eyes. "Hands off," he growled with grim determination.
"If Cao Cao got to see, I should get to see too, unless you like him better than us-"
"Don't make me tell you to take of your pants, General," Sun Quan hissed.
"You are kidding me. You have got to be kidding me."
"I am not."
"No touching," Ling Tong warned. "Hands off, you hear?"
"I hear!" Liu Bei whined. "But Cao Cao got to-"
"Cao Cao gets to have sex with other men and you don't, so shut it."
Liu Bei shut his mouth at that and glared. He looked like he was going to say something, but quieted when Ling Tong loosened the front of his pants and pulled it down just enough to show Liu Bei what he was looking for.
"There. Happy?"
Liu Bei's mouth watered.
"Oh my gods, sicko!" Ling Tong shouted accusingly, whipping his pants back up.
"Hey, I was looki-"
"Did you see that? Did anyone see that? He was getting off on it-"
"I was not! I was just looking like I'm supposed to-"
"General, why don't you let the rest of us see?" Zhuge Liang asked with barely-concealed impatience.
"I just did."
"Two seconds is not adequate time."
"Ling Tong!" Lu Meng moaned, practically attaining massive cerebral hemorrhaging from the stress.
"Fine!" Ling Tong snapped. "Oh, give tips to my agent then, and enjoy your visit to Wild Wu Striphouse," he seethed, yanking his pants down again.
Liu Bei seemed to be getting off of it and handed him a dollar, Zhang Fei was staring in the same way as a child at a freakshow with a two-headed goat, and Guan Yu seemed to be avoiding looking directly at the parts. But Zhuge Liang at least gave some semblance of dignity and scholarly pursuit.
"Hmmm. Most interesting, most interesting… When was it that you said you first noticed it?"
Ling Tong shrugged, feeling rather uncomfortable. "Dunno. I wasn't the one who noticed it. Ning was poking around and found it."
"Why was he poking around there? Did something alert him to the presence of something strange?" Zhuge Liang asked, his eyes narrowing. "What were the signs that a hole had appeared-"
"No signs, no nothing. Just apparently it had been there for a while," Ling Tong snapped.
"And I was trying to feel his balls," Gan Ning added to clarify. "I was trying to hump him and stroke his balls from behind and I guess my hand slipped-"
"Thank you, Gan Ning," Lu Meng said sharply.
"Yes, thank you," Zhuge Liang said with distaste, as all of a sudden, a head sprouted from Guan Yu's side.
"I don't get it," Guan Ping whined.
"Guan Ping, don't you want to see the baby?" Guan Yu pressed.
"Uh… I don't see a baby," Guan Ping said hesitantly, as if afraid that he was missing something obvious to everyone else.
"You don't?" Ling Tong snorted sarcastically, his temper growing short. He hated annoying kids, and Guan Ping, as far as he was concerned, was just a larger and better-armed version of one. "What do you mean you don't? You blind or something? Look, there's a baby sitting here, right next to me," he asserted, patting the empty space next to him on the bed.
Guan Ping looked even more confused. "But- I mean, I know I might have bad eyesight but-"
"It's right here! Look, it's looking at you right now, say hi or something, don't be rude."
"But I-"
"Oh, don't be an idiot. Quit pretending; it's not funny."
Guan Ping nodded resolutely and smiled at the empty space. "Hello."
"Good, you remembered your manners."
"He is very pretty. He looks just like you, General Ling," Guan Ping said sincerely.
"No, he's blonde like the idiot behind me, but I guess you can see the resem-"
"Are you mocking my son?" Guan Yu roared, suddenly towering out from behind Guan Ping like a mother grizzly bear. "Are you making my son look like a fool-"
"I'm not. He's doing it all by himself," Ling Tong snapped.
"Son, he is just trying to confuse you-"
"But there's a baby right next to him-" Guan Ping protested.
"No, he was making fun of you! The baby is still inside of him-"
"I am so confused!" Guan Ping screamed, looking like he was about to cry.
Guan Yu rubbed his forehead and sighed. "I will be back to settle this," he warned fiercely, shuffling Guan Ping away before the boy could embarrass himself even more.
"There. The big fish got to see, and Lord Sun, you just saw me yesterday- so please can I put on some clothes and like everyone stop staring at me?" Ling Tong whined.
"The rest of us need to see," Sima Yi interjected, fluttering his fan near his face. "Since, you know, a lord today maybe not be a lord tomorrow, and an underling may suddenly-"
"What the hell are you talking about?" Ling Tong demanded.
"Oh, nothing. But do take off your pants, General, I did not get a chance to see yet."
"Stuff it, Girlyman, my pants are staying on."
"I did not get a chance to see, do I need to repeat myself?"
"Look at your own crotch, I bet it's not that different."
"Are you implying-"
"I'm not just implying-"
"Ling Tong will you stop trying start the first world war?" Lu Meng shouted.
"Sheee-esh!" Ling Tong rolled his eyes. "Okay, two minutes to look, starting now," he snapped irritably and pulled down his pants.
Boom. Just as he had expected, Zhuge Liang, Sima Yi, Liu Bei, and all the people in the front were squashed in .005 seconds as all the other 200-and-up pound men rushed forward. The exposure of the entire room staring at his abnormal privates was just about worth the satisfaction of Xiahou Yuan trampling over Lu Meng.
"Two minutes are up!" Ling Tong declared and pulled the pants back up, tying them as tightly as he could.
"You're eight seconds early!" Xu Huang complained.
"I did not get to see-"
"Hey-"
"Everyone be quiet!" Lu Meng barked. "I heard something-"
Sure enough, there was a triplet of knocks on the sturdy wooden doors again.
"That must be the doctor."
"What doctor? I'm right here-" Madame Du snorted before the door swung open.
"Good Heavens have I been knocking on that door forever!" a nasal-esque voice exclaimed as its owner, a man with an uncanny resemblance to a wrinkly beansprout, walked in.
"Who is that?" Madame Du asked Sun Quan suspiciously.
"Uh. This is… This-"
"I am the esteemed Doctor Hao," he said, clearly assuming that the mention of his name conjured up… Something.
"…Who?" Gan Ning demanded, putting his hands protectively on Ling Tong's shoulders.
"Oh, is this my patient?"
"I don't know, but he's certainly my patient-"
"Oh my, what an exciting phenomenon here. The sudden reallocatation of yang to yin and the accompanying morphological consequences are bound to be a more interesting case… Yes, I can already expect that the physical changes that have already taken hold are bound to create a renovation of the internal workings-"
"Look, what's the use of saying all this stuff if no one can understand you? You already know this stuff- it's for our information, not yours, so talk so that we can understand you," Ling Tong snapped, the doctor's snobbery getting on his nerves. "And I tell you there's a lot of idiots here so speak really slow."
"Well, let it be known that-" Doctor Tao began before Ling Tong interrupted again.
"Quit showing off, doc, we all know you're smart blah, so you don't need to keep shoving it around."
Doctor Tao tightened his lips until they turned as white as Zhu Rong's tan lines. "Well, it is not my fault that I have to work with such uneducated-"
"Ling Tong, this man is helping with your care so could you just stop antagonizing him?" Lu Meng exclaimed.
"Helping me?" Madame Du snapped. "Besides, I wouldn't trust him, he's a man!"
"I'll have you know that although I have never actually dealt with a woman hands-on, I have diagnosed many times just by dealing with samples and tests. It is very effective."
"So you've never seen an actual fanny in your life and you're trying to deal with one."
"I do not know what you are implying-"
"Actually I think you know full well-"
Sun Quan coughed poignantly. "My good doctors-"
"If you call this farmwife a doctor-" Doctor Tao began before with a sharp stomp, Madame Du pushed him aside and began her examination.
She rolled up a piece of parchment and stuck it on his back chest, and then over his heart, listening to his breathing and his heartbeat. Apparently satisfied with what she heard, Madame Du jerked one of his wrists up and pinched the skin sharply.
"Ouch!" Ling Tong complained.
"Quit your whinin' General," she said brusquely before tapping his wrist carefully. "I need to see if you're eatin' and drinkin' right-"
"Excuse me!" Doctor Tao called, shoving his way forward. While waiting for Madame Du to finish, he had set up a cloth full of odd-looking specimens, such as dried leaves, animal bits, rocks, and something that looked suspiciously like manure.
"I am not finished-"
"Let me take some samples, please!" he snapped, grabbing a few tiny wooden spoons out of his pocket. Before anyone could react, the doctor had shoved Ling Tong on his back and stuck the miniature utensil right up the proffered canal.
"OUCH!"
Doctor Tao only dodged Ling Tong's flying kick by pure chance. "Now, now, I just need three more samples."
"What the hell?" Gan Ning bellowed before Lu Meng dragged him back by his collar.
"Gan Ning, calm down, he's a professional-"
"What the hell?" Ling Tong shouted, then let out a long string of profanity at the discomfort.
"What are you doing?" Madame Du demanded angrily.
"I am taking samples. There, done. That wasn't so bad, was it?" Doctor Tao asked pleasantly.
"What the hell?"
"Now look- he's going to get all irritated and rashy there!" Madame Du snarled.
The doctor seemed to be the only one not getting slowly more and more pissed off. "Thank you. Now I will collect some data from his," he said loftily before kneeling in front of his kit and starting to perform some sort of unknown alchemy with the mucus.
"Whatever that was, I have no clue," Madame Du sighed. "Anyways. General, get back up."
"You're not going to stick anything up it, are you?" Ling Tong asked accusingly.
She made a clicking noise with her tongue. "Definitely not."
"Okay."
Madame Du frowned and continued pressing around, feeling his large stomach. "It's just strange. You're at most only two-thirds of the way along, by my calculations… You're darned fit and have core muscles you can string siege catapults with… You should look smaller than you are. But look." She hauled Ling Tong up into a kneeling position, then turned him to profile view to the assembled men. "He's carrying a bit low. That's something passed on in families. Perfectly normal, fine… But look at the size." The squat woman prodded the mound with a broken fingernail. "At first glance, I would say you're eight-tenths cooked. But you're not- you're only two-thirds. It's that big."
"Is it bad, then?" Lord Sun asked, worriedly. "Is this a problem? A sign of something wrong?"
Madame Du spat into her palm and shook her head. "No. Not a problem. Just that it's the biggest belly I've seen on anyone of this term-"
"And I know it is not due to any fast development!" Doctor Tao declared. "See how this top part is still sunken in? The concavity of the upper section shows that the baby has still only developed two-thirds of the way. And the fading on the Kingfisher-Breath leaf mix proves that although it has passed the midline, it still has far to go," the Taoist said definitely, waving one of the many ground-up pastes on a paper. "Look at the way autumn-gathered goatskin oil clumps the patient's mucus secretions-"
"You're going to say that the baby's also heavy, aren't you?" Madame Du said sourly.
"Yes, I was about to, before you interrupted me," Doctor Tao said, more than slightly miffed. "I can tell that it is heavy due to an unusual percentage of energies delivered to-"
"Psh, I can tell that it's damned weighty without your fancy mystic ingredients!" she snapped. "Anyone," she said, with the dangerous word 'anyone' trained professionals used to imply that the other was a nincompoop, "anyone can tell that it's heavy by looking at the way the young wom- the young man is leaning back and forth and huffing and puffing and trying to get comfortable."
The use of two anyone's in the same sentence was the third-century equivalent of shouting, "Yo, I'm going to let you finish but…"
Doctor Tao froze. "Oh? Well, go ahead and use such crude methods. But I prefer a more refined technique, really. It is much more suited to dealing with gentlemen… I understand that women are too easily flustered by such complicacies-"
"Please, you two, just get back to the case-" Zhuge Liang began, but neither listened.
"Women?" Madame Du burst. "All your flabbergabbing and boozlehopping is just for show! Leave it to men like you to buzz about farting this jumble of jargon to hide the fact that you don't know anything!"
"Is that your definition of accurate? Do you even have a word for it?"
"Well, do you have a word for a load of donkey?"
"Why, everything you do is just circumstantial guesswork!" he snapped. "While my hypotheses are all based on scientific evidence-"
"Which is a fancy term for hopping around something you have no practical experience in!" she snarled. "You say I'm just guessing? I've been delivering babies since I was thirteen! I've tended over a million women! Not just the pulse examining you folks are so fond of- I mean staying up all night trying to coax out a baby with my hand up the lady's privates! And you think that you can waltz in and be an expert? How many babies have you delivered in a barn?"
"I may not be as well-versed in such things, but this is the way of the future! All your crude methods and primitive old wives' omens have no place in-"
"I know just by a touch when the cord is wrapped around a newborn's neck! I can deliver an emergency breech birth by feel, in the dark! What can you do?"
"Well, I could have diagnosed and told the midwife to prepare for that breech birth. I can brew potions and pastes that will tell us the exact nature of the problem with much more accuracy and standardization than your bumbling-"
"Will the both of you just shut UP?" someone bellowed.
It was Gan Ning. The pirate stood angrily and put his hand on Ling Tong's shoulder. "Mebbe you're forgetting something, like Tong here?"
"We are in the midst of a-" Doctor Tao began, but Madame Du had had enough.
The midwife, who was never flustered even when there were four babies who wouldn't come out and the mother-to-be, bless her, was screaming profanities and curses at anyone and everyone trying to help, who could endure the coldest ice of winter tending to any remote rural village, who could stand soaring temperatures and humidity that downed armies, who could stand on her two stubby legs in the fastest current to aid a fisherman's wife, who once beat a pack of wolves to death with a knitting needle because they were interfering with a poor farmgirl's birth by trying to eat her, who did all that without a complaint, whimper, or anything more than a "Remember to have a bit of mild exercise" and "Well push harder," in a burst of anger rolled up Doctor Tao's cloth and all the materials on it and chucked it out the window.
With a look of horror, the Doctor pushed a path in the crowd and hurled out the door, Madame Du on his heels.
"See? See? Whocha can do now?" she screamed, her voice dying away with distance.
There was an awkward shuffling as silence, in the absence of the medical staff screaming at each other, descended on the room, broken only by polite coughing and 'uh, what do we do now' glances at everyone else.
"That was… Slightly lacking in the grace and dignity I would expect of the best doctors in the land," Zhang He observed tactfully. "I always thought that the medical profession was such a stately one…"
"That got nothing done!" Gan Ning exclaimed, crossing his arms.
"I don't think it was nothing. I got to see your private parts, and now I need a mental cleanser," Cao Pi said bluntly.
"Yeah, shut it horse boy. Well, if you don't mind I really think I'm going to go- ack." Ling Tong stopped turning around to cringe, a look of discomfort on his face.
"What's wrong?" Zhuge Liang demanded, stepping forward and jockeying for position with Liu Bei. "Tell us-"
"Nothing! The baby kicked again, that's all!" Ling Tong snapped, irritated. "Talk about an overreaction."
The room exploded.
"What?"
"The baby kicked?"
"It moved?"
"There's something in there?"
"Someone- who has a notepad-"
"Hey, hey, HEY!" Ling Tong shouted, waving a hand harshly. "Yes, the baby moved- don't get all excited now, oh no, a baby moved a leg or something… And yes," he snapped at Guan Ping, "there's a baby inside of here." He jabbed a finger into the firm globe his abdomen had become. "You be careful, because if you eat too many vegetables then you get pregnant like me and have a baby and end up pushing a small child through your-"
"Stop feeding my son such lies!" Guan Yu exclaimed indignantly, but it was too late. Guan Ping paled and grabbed his stomach.
"This is a large matter of interest, you know! How much has it been moving? When? Any particular patterns or possible stimuli?" Zhuge Liang shot off his questions like crossbow bolts.
Ling Tong rolled his eyes. "How much? Just randomly, normally right when I'm in the middle of something and don't want to be distracted. One or two times a day? No, maybe less. Depends on the day. Yeah, randomly sounds just about right."
"Well, sit back down and-"
"Hey, hey, look, my watch is over," Ling Tong said is exaggerated politeness.
"Ling Tong, this is important!" Lu Meng exclaimed. "Can't you be mature for once?"
"I don't know about mature but I'm out of here," he declared. "Look, I've had enough and you know what Madame Du said. Stress me and the baby dies!"
"Don't threaten like that!"
"Well it's true, isn't it? My lord, if you stress me out Madame Du is going to know."
Sun Quan seemed to consider this a moment before shaking his head. "Our neighbors have traveled a long distance to get here-"
"Well they probably are bored. Let's just call it a day."
"No, let's continue this examination-"
"Sure, just do it without me," Ling Tong said with finality. "I'm tired."
"Now, we would not want to exhaust you," Cao Cao said smoothly, making his way towards the door and motioning for his subordinates to follow. "General…. I will see you sometime."
A look passed between the two leaders (two because Liu Bei was still trying to sneak a peep). If Ling Tong didn't know better, he would have thought that it was politics.
"All right. You are correct, my general is probably tired," Sun Quan agreed thankfully. "Let us go now."
Ling Tong pulled his pants on as the room slowly emptied, and then breathed a sigh of relief. "Man. If I had known it was this much of a crowd, I don't know what I'd have done."
No idea who is writing what anymore. Got pulled in a few chapters back for humor (and gags) purposes and realized how fun sarcastic people are.
Lin C
7:32
HERP
GuoGuo
7:32
DERP
Lin C
7:32
HERP
GuoGuo
7:32
EEEEWWWWW HSV2!
Lin C
7:33
…what
GuoGuo
7:33
…Herpes virus.