Hey all. I am terribly sorry for the late update and the fact that I absolutely failed at review replies this time. I've been in the middle of end-of-year exams, so I've been a bit preoccupied. I'm really very sorry. I hope this chapter answers a few of your questions.
LithiumReaper is the most amazing person ever, who has been working her fingers to the bone lately. And she's my beta. Jealous much? I would be. She's incredible.
Bella:
I didn't let myself think about the mess I had left behind at Charlie's grave as I floored the accelerator. I was better at forgetting; blocking out emotions and running for the hills before I was forced to question the reality of what I was doing. It was the way I lived my life. It kept me safe. Safe. That's what my life was. Safe. Play it safe and don't get hurt. Run away and don't face a thing. I needed to remember that.
It didn't take long to get to the Reservation. It was late at night, so the road was empty, and I didn't worry about how fast I was driving. My entire mind was focused on keeping the car on the road and keeping Jasper out.
The Reservation's cemetery was very different from the ones in Forks. The graves were running up the hillside, made accessible by steps dug into the ground around the trees. The graves were identified with decorations and different materials – concrete or wood – lining the tomb. Each one was bright with its own design. Some were painted with traditional Native American drawings, some with other designs of the trees or beach, and some with notes and small sketches from loved ones, built up over the years in a colorful coating, and some with nothing but old age and creeping vines of moss and wildflowers.
The graveyard was not that big, but it was beautiful and enriched with the Tribe's history. Jacob was about halfway up the hillside. He had only been sixteen when he died. People had said that it was a tragic accident, a teenage hoodwink gone wrong, immaturity, carelessness, recklessness. There were bottles of alcohol in the backseat. What kind of kid was he? He could have hurt someone. It could have been so much worse.
People said and thought all of those things, but never really knew anything. They asked how on earth my father could rely on his statement against Carlisle. He wasn't trustworthy. He was a bad kid. He was dangerous. My father was a crazy, washed up sheriff with a daughter scorned by the town's golden son; by Carlisle's son. When you put it all together, it made Carlisle look like the innocent doctor, framed by the downtrodden, and made us look like the deceitful liars. The traitors to a town that was so good.
Of course, the town didn't know that Jacob had been driving home from Carlisle's house the night that he died. They didn't believe my father when he claimed that Jacob's best friend, Embry, had died of an overdose of oxycodone and alcohol; oxycodone that Carlisle sold him, illegally. They didn't believe that Carlisle was the one who was illegally selling prescription drugs to minors on the Reservation. They didn't care that Embry died because of it. Jacob wasn't trustworthy. Jacob was dead. You couldn't rely on his claims. He was a liar, a cheat, a menace.
And so the truth died with him.
My father fought for it. He fought to reveal Carlisle's ways, to gain some sort of revenge for Jacob and Embry. But no one wanted to listen, no kids wanted to speak up – they had parents and teachers and a life to worry about. No one wanted to face what was really going on. And soon, Carlisle decided to shut my Dad up by doing the only thing he could; make the town choose between the two of them; choose between the old sheriff who was slipping away, and the town's brilliant doctor, who had done so much for little Forks, and who could work anywhere, do anything, but chose to work with us.
Of course they chose Carlisle. My father was kicked to the curb with a mind filled with allegations and clues pointing to Carlisle and no one to show them to. No one who would listen. No one who cared.
I wasn't there to help my father. Two weeks before Embry died, Edward broke up with me. It was just when the scandal with the drugs was breaking. One day – my birthday before senior year – Edward proposed to me, and I was eighteen and engaged to be married. The next day, he took the ring away and told me that I wasn't what he wanted. That I wasn't good enough. That I was blue collar and he was trust-fund and we didn't mesh. And Carlisle had watched him while he did this, and I saw a sick smile play on his lips as his son ripped my heart out.
So I was brokenhearted and my father was outraged. He didn't want me married, but he wouldn't stand for anyone telling me that I wasn't good enough. There was fighting and arguing and warring between our families and eventually I chose to faze it all out and pretend that it had never happened. I was in deep with Edward, and breaking up with him had broken me, and I couldn't deal with the aftermath; with the war that played out because of it. I didn't just lose my boyfriend that day. I lost my best friend in Alice, my elder brother in Emmett, my substitute mother in Esme. I felt like I was the unwanted child. Like I had had my family ripped from my arms. I felt like I had lost so much more than just a boyfriend.
I was stupid. I was young and naïve. I didn't really know who they were. I should never have felt like that, knowing now what happened afterwards.
Within two days, Edward was with Tanya. He had moved on. I tried to, but it was increasingly hard when I had to sit alone at the lunch table while they laughed and pretended like nothing happened. But I tried to be strong, and fight, and be the hero that my father wanted me to be. I tried to hold my head up high, despite my failings. It was the time that I felt most alone, because I realized just how isolated I was. I had no one but Edward. My whole life was Edward. When he was gone, I had no one. I hated myself for putting myself in that position.
Not long after, when Embry died, the rumors about the illegal drugs were proved right. My father pointed a finger at Carlisle. I could hardly believe it; that he, of all people, could be the one to sell them. But then, some part of me believed it. Some part of me knew that it was him. I remembered the sick smile he had held whilst Edward broken up with me. I remembered the way a word from him could send a chill down your spine, could make you afraid, make you feel unsettled. I remembered the way he was so controlling, but passively so, which was the worst. I remembered the way that he made even Edward seem futile next to him.
It made perfect sense. He had access. He had the personality.
But no one believed my father. Jacob came forward to testify the truth. He claimed to have bought drugs from Carlisle, to have seen Embry buy the oxycodone that stole his life. Jacob. My best friend. A family friend. The boy I had known as a child. He would never lie to Charlie. He would never lie about something like that.
Carlisle did everything to discredit my father and Jacob. He made the town choose. It wasn't just our families warring then. It was the entirety of Forks. And my father's side was greatly outnumbered. And through it all, the only thing I wanted to do was run away.
I had given up. I hid away. I let my father down when he needed me most. I was a weak, broken girl, completely selfish and disloyal. I betrayed my father with my weakness.
When Jacob died in the fireball of a car accident, Carlisle claimed to be proved right. My father lost his last lifeline, and we lost the most amazing kid we had known. My father lost his title as Sheriff, his job, his friends, his livelihood. And I lost my mind, and ran away to Phoenix to my mother because I couldn't face it; face the fact that my best friend had died so gruesomely, that my father's life was falling apart, that everything was turning to darkness, that my life was crashing down around me, that I was so weak.
Yes. I ran away. That's what I was good at. I've been good at it my whole life. Running away from the hard things so I don't have to face the truth.
No tests could be done on Jacob's car when he died. It was a wreck, burnt to a crisp with him inside. But if tests had been done, I wondered what they would find. Yes, there were remnants of bottles of alcohol in the backseat, but he had just been at Carlisle's house. I knew Jacob. His passion was cars. He was the best driver I knew. He wasn't an idiot. He wasn't reckless. Despite buying drugs once, he was a good kid. Something in my gut told me that Carlisle had a hand in Jacob's death, like he had in Embry's.
But the cops said that Jacob had just been speeding, missed the corner. The weather had been terrible. It had been pouring with rain. It was just inexperience. But I knew better. Jacob wasn't inexperienced with a car. Their claims of what happened were guesses, because the rain hid the evidence, but there was something telling me – and my father – that this was more than just an accident.
But nothing my father said mattered. Jacob died. Carlisle walked free. My father lost everything. I gave up before I had even put up a fight. And my father lived his last years, rotting in Forks, alone and abandoned because I couldn't face it. Because I gave up and ran away. I made the ones I loved feel alone and unwanted and abandoned. I betrayed my father.
And now here I was. Standing by Jacob's grave for the first time in years. Looking down at all of the drawings and notes his family and friends left on the white concrete of his grave. Bright with color and life and signs of love. What had I drawn him? What had I said? Did I remember?
Of course I did.
I located the sun immediately. Bright yellow, with flecks of orange. In the middle, in blue, and had written:
Jacob,
I miss you, my personal Sun.
Love, B.
Blinding tears sprang into my eyes as I looked at the faded drawing. Jacob had been such a warm person. He lit up a room. He was beautiful. He had an infectious smile. He was one of those people who could never die. Not really. His spirit lived on. I could feel it. That familiar warmth and brightness. He was the sun. He was a constant. He was my angel, my guiding force, that one person who you could really rely on. He was a loyal friend and an infectious person and ultimately good and pure.
Why was it that the best people died, but I was forced to stay here and live?
I didn't deserve to be there, looking down at his grave. I didn't deserve to be near him, or his final resting place. I didn't deserve to be near Charlie, and his final resting place. Not when I had disgraced them both and given up and not fought for them.
Losing Edward – our break up – had been the first thing to break me. It showed me just how weak I was; what a fragile, pathetic, shell of a person I had turned myself into – someone with no heart or soul. But that wasn't the thing that troubled me now. Pain over Edward was a short-term thing. A fling. A one-night-stand. But the loss of Charlie and Jacob…that's what ate at me. That's what made me so disgusted in myself, so ashamed to be who I was, the person who gave up, forgot to fight, broke down. I lost myself, and had never fully gotten back. They died, lost everything, and that was on my conscience. I treated them badly, let them down. They had lost their lives in terrible ways because of Carlisle Cullen. That's why I had to run away from Jasper. I couldn't stand being reminded of that every single time I saw him.
Embry's grave wasn't far away from Jacob's. It was just down the hill a little, painted with a bright orange, yellow, red and pink sunset. His death had been an absolute tragedy. It had torn the Reservation apart. I remember his mother at his funeral, dressed in all black, tears streaming down her cheeks because her one and only child was dead. She was broken after that. My father told me that a year later, on the first anniversary of his death, she took her own life. It was all just too much for her to have to deal with alone. I could understand that. I would be lying if I said that I hadn't thought of doing the same thing after Charlie died.
I didn't have anything to give Jacob. No flowers, no letter, not even some kind words. Even they failed me. I could feel a tightening in my chest, a thickness in my throat, but I forced the tears away. I eased myself down to the ground, leant back against the concrete around Jacob's grave, and curled into a ball, tucking my legs up against my chest. I could hide there, shielded by Jacob, out of view, melting into the trees and the undergrowth. I could stay there for hours if I wanted to. At least, I thought I could, until I heard someone calling my name.
"Bella! Bella, come out, please!"
I heard the sound of shoes falling on dried leaves. The pace slowed to a tentative walk as he neared the graves. What made him slow down? Was it the realization of where he was, what was around him, who was here? I thought so.
I curled myself tighter into the ball and willed Jasper to go away. It didn't work.
His footsteps were getting closer and closer. I curled tighter into my ball, pressing my face into my crossed arms, blocking out all of the sounds of the world. Maybe he would disappear. Or maybe I would disappear. Maybe I could forget.
I felt a hot body sit down next to me. There was barely an inch of space separating us. My heart rate started to quicken. I tried to hide, and make myself smaller, but I could feel him watching me. He wasn't going to go away. He wasn't going to speak, either. He was going to wait for me.
It took me a while, but eventually I raised my head and sniffed away my runny nose and salty tears. I felt like my head was pounding. Both of us kept looking straight ahead, deep into the woods, as I spoke.
"How did you…Why?" I asked, trying to make the words come out right.
"It wasn't hard to figure out," he said. I swallowed hard. I was predictable. Of course. After a few moments of silence, he spoke again. "So this is it, isn't it – why you keep running away?"
"I guess you could say that," I answered.
"I didn't kill them, Bella."
The reminder brought me to silence. It took a while for me to regain my composure. "But he may as well have."
"I'm not Carlisle," Jasper said.
"Edward said that once, too. But in the end he turned out just like him."
I don't know why I said that. There was no reason for it. I knew that Jasper wasn't anything like Edward or Carlisle. And Jasper's movements then told me that I had just said one of the worst things imaginable.
Jasper shot up from his spot on the ground and kicked at a dried tree trunk, furious. I leapt up in fright as well.
"It's always that with you, isn't it? Edward! Edward is so fucking important! You always go back to Edward! That is not fair, Bella. I'm nothing like my step family! And, alright, I may not be as perfect as him in some respects, but I am nowhere near the monster that he is – that they are!"
I would be lying if I said that Jasper's sudden anger didn't alarm me.
"I never said you were," I told him.
"You may as well have!" he yelled back. "Jesus, Bella, you're just…impossible! Edward hurt you! You've got to stop comparing everyone to him. He is not what you should strive for!"
"I don't want another person like Edward," I snarled. The thought was repulsive.
Jasper laughed cruelly. "Ha, yeah. Well, you could have fooled me."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"You're still hung up on him! You avoid anything that will remind you of him! You run away any time someone even eludes to him! You're scared of him. You're scared of all of them! Yet you bring them into every single decision you make because you can't let go of what he and his father did to you! It's been five years, Bella. There's a point where you have to move on with your life. But it's like you don't want to."
"Could you?" I snapped at him. "Could you let what they did go? You're such a hypocrite. You do the exact same thing as me! You do whatever you can to differentiate yourself from the life they lead and from them because you're so scared that people will associate you with them! You always have. Even in high school. You talk about me being scared to face what happened. You're just as scared as I am."
"Who wouldn't be?" he yelled at me. "Who wouldn't want to be different with a family like mine? Everywhere I go, they are there. People associate me with them. People know them. Everywhere I go, I'm Dr Cullen's son. I'm the rebellious step son. I'm the bad guy! I lost my own damn identity when my mother married into that fucking family. Of course I want to escape it!"
"Not everyone thinks of you like that," I said, the anger in my veins lightening at Jasper's admission.
"Oh yeah?" he tested, raising an eyebrow. "Then tell me, Bella: do you run away from me because you just don't like me, or is it for some other reason that I don't know?" I was silent, because he had caught me out. "Yeah, that's what I thought. You know what else I think? The only reason you have even been willing to fuck me is because of who I am – because Edward is my step brother. I'm far enough away from him in personality to not fuck you up the way he did, but I'm close enough to still be part of him. Close enough so that you will never really loose contact with him."
The anger was back, and I felt like slapping Jasper across the face. "That's not true," I snarled. "How dare you?"
"Do you remember what one of the first things you said to me was, back at New Years when we woke up that first morning?" I didn't say a thing. Jasper took it as a chance to continue. "You reminded me that I'm his brother. As if I didn't already know that. As if I didn't already hate that."
"I'm just another extension of him," he spat sharply. "I just…I just can't stand it."
The flash of pain across Jasper's face tore my heart out. I could understand that pain. Being associated with the people who ruined the life of the man who helped you through so much. In a way, Jasper and I were in the same boat. When he turned to walk away, my heart overcame my head and I ran to him.
"Jasper, no, wait. Don't go!"
I grabbed his arm in a rush. He spun around at the contact. His blue eyes startled me and made my heart skip a beat.
"Why not?" he demanded.
Words. I needed to find the right words. I needed to say what I was feeling – properly, this time and not just have it come out in a jumbled mess.
"I didn't stick around you because of Edward. He wasn't a factor in the equation. In fact, the fact that you're tied to Edward made me think sleeping with you was a bad idea."
"What was it, then?" Jasper asked.
Damn it.
"I don't know," I admitted. Jasper looked away in aggravation. "I mean, it's just hard to explain. You just…you just made me feel good."
"Yeah, well, sex does that," he spat, and he began to shake me off and turn away.
Anger filled me, and I tugged him back, hard, not letting go of his arm. "Listen to me!" I ordered. Jasper turned back, slightly thrown, and frowned down at me. "It wasn't the sex, Jasper. Well, part of it was, okay. But…I started to just…I started to like spending time with you. You were good company."
Something stirred in Jasper. But something else told me that he wasn't going to go down without a fight.
"If I was such good company, why did you make it your mission to run away when things got tough? Why did you not want to talk to me? Why did you not give a shit when Lucy was coming on to me? Why did you make damn sure that we were nothing but fuck buddies? Why couldn't you just be my friend?"
I should have answered truthfully. I should have shoved my anger away and said, "Because I was scared". It was the truth and it made perfect sense. But instead I went and pointed the finger at him and acted like a defensive asshole.
"Alright then. Why did you make sure that we weren't exclusive? Why did you sleep with other girls? Why did you lie to your roommates about me? Who the fuck is Izzy? Who the hell is that special girl who got you to make music again? Stop acting like I'm some damn special little snowflake! You don't need me and you don't want me. So don't put all of the blame on me!"
Jasper took a while to answer. The way he looked at me was completely off. The next thing he said made me angrier than I had ever felt.
"Damn, Swan, you've actually got some fight in you. I'm surprised. When did you grow a backbone?"
I hated him. I hated him and everything about him
I narrowed my eyes and virtually spat at him. "Fuck you, Jasper Whitlock."
"You've already done that," he smirked.
I shook my head and glared at him, seeing red. "Grow up, Jasper. For fuck sake."
I spun around on my heel and began to storm out of there. I could hear Jasper's shouts through the trees.
"And there we are: back in fucking high school! I'm the dickhead with the smart mouth and you're the girl who won't face any of her problems! Are you happy now?"
I forced myself to keep walking. I couldn't turn around. I couldn't face him. I wasn't brave enough.
"This isn't high school anymore, Bella! You can't keep reverting to who you were back then! Look around you! Two kids and your father are dead in the ground and the guy who is to blame still walks free!"
I couldn't stand it. I couldn't stand walking away when he was saying such horrible things.
I spun around again, my cheeks burning, and shouted back at him.
"Stop being such a hypocrite, Jasper! I'm dealing with it! I'm facing it! You're just as guilty as me! You run away just as much!"
"I've done nothing but try to get through to you!" he shouted back. "You just won't let me! The only thing I have wanted is to get to know you!"
"Me and twenty other girls in the wider Seattle area!" I screamed.
Jasper groaned loudly. The next thing he said was utterly shocking. "There were no other girls, Bella! Not since New Year! It was all you!"
It was almost as though my heart stopped beating.
"What?" I had barely spoken in a whisper.
Jasper bowed his head. He looked almost broken. When he looked back up to me, the emotions in his eyes took my breath away.
"There were no other girls," he repeated. "None."
"But your roommate…"
"She got it wrong."
"You called me Izzy."
"If I had revealed who you are, you have no idea what they would have done."
"But the non-exclusive thing…"
"Was Garrett's idea."
The next point caught in my throat. "What – what about the writing?"
Jasper took longer to answer this time. He closed his eyes and looked down at the undergrowth. His eyes had never looked so blue as when he looked up at me again. I felt like he was seeing right through me.
"All you."
I completely killed the mood with the next thing I said.
"You're lying."
Jasper laughed. Loudly. "I'm not, Bella."
"But why?"
"Why you?" he asked. I nodded. He shrugged. "I don't know. It just happened."
"That song that you were playing when you were painting the coffee shop. Was that…?"
Jasper nodded. "About you? Yeah, it was."
Fear spiked in me. Jasper realized what I was about to do before I did it.
"No, don't, Bella," he begged.
"I – uh – I have to go. Now."
"Bella, don't," he pleaded.
I was backing away, preparing myself to dart off. "I can't do this. Not here," I said.
"You're running away again."
"They're dead, Jasper," I reminded him, glancing at Jacob and Embry's graves. "I can't forget that."
"You think I can?"
"I never said that –"
"They would want you to go on living, Bella," he insisted.
I felt the tears coming again. "That's the unfair part."
Jasper looked absolutely shocked. "What do you mean?"
Tears were pooling in my eyes as I looked at him. I felt my heart being almost tugged out of my chest. It was easy, saying these things. It would be easy to get to know Jasper. I wanted to. I really, really did. But I couldn't.
"I shouldn't be the one who gets to go on living. It's not fair."
Then I ran away. Again. For the millionth time in my life. And this time, Jasper didn't follow me.
:::
As soon as I got back to the motel room and my head hit the pillow, I was asleep. The next morning, it felt like I was awoken at the crack of dawn. In reality, it was about ten in the morning. My mother was hunched over her suitcase, putting her clothes away.
"Rise and shine, sleeping beauty. Good sleep?" she said, smiling.
"Yeah," I nodded groggily. "Sorry. I must have been tired. I'll pack quickly. We have to be out by ten thirty, right?"
"Late night, huh?" she asked.
"No," I said quickly, throwing off the covers. "Just tired."
"I heard you come in last night, Bella," she told me. "Where did you go?"
My heart rate started to quicken. "Oh, just out for a walk."
"Don't tell fibs, honey."
"It's the truth!"
"Did you meet a guy?" she asked.
"No!"
My mother sighed reproachfully. "Bella, honey, listen to me. I know that this weekend has been tough, but don't go and do anything reckless. You still have to look after yourself."
"I know, mom."
My mother smiled. "Well, alright. Now get ready. Quickly. We have to be on the road in a few minutes."
I tried not to look around as we were driving through Forks. I felt like I was going to cry. The only thing I wanted to do was get back to my apartment, lock myself in my room, and scream into a pillow. I hated myself for being so weak, and for what I had said and done in front of Jasper.
I didn't know what it would mean for us. Jasper was hurting. I was hurting. We were both completely fucked up in our own ways, and torn between a million things holding us back. I wanted to smack myself for saying what I did to him. I had hurt him, which is not good. But I had also revealed things that I didn't want to reveal, and learnt things that I didn't want to know. Not now, at least. And I was being selfish for running away when he was so open with me. I ran away from his pain, when he was so brave to reveal it, despite the fact that I should have stayed to help him. That was maybe the worst part.
We were driving through the middle of town when I felt it, just passing the diner in town. Through the window, I could feel a familiar pair of eyes watching me, and a familiar feeling crawled up my spine.
Instinctually, I glanced out the window, and I swear my heart stopped for a moment. Walking out of the diner were four people I didn't want to see, and they were all looking directly at me: Alice, Edward, Carlisle, and Jasper.
:::
Jasper:
I had always known that Bella must have been damaged by what happened to her family. But I never realized just how deep it ran until she revealed it accidentally that night. The belief that she wasn't good enough, that she didn't deserve to live. It frightened me, because it was the last thing I wanted her to feel like.
But the girl pissed me off, and that was the simple truth. She was as stubborn as they came. Part of me wanted to look after her and soothe her, but another part wanted to scream at her because she was so infuriating.
I hadn't wanted to tell her any of the things I did – about how I felt about my family, or about her, or about the music. But I had to. I figured that it was the better option, rather than losing her altogether. After talking to her at her father's grave, I knew that I couldn't stand that. We were in the same boat, Bella and I. And after hearing and realizing how she truly felt about herself, I knew that I couldn't just let her go.
The next morning we all went out to the diner for breakfast. I was exhausted, and not in the mood to talk to anyone. Alice continually chattered in my ear, which pissed me off to no end. Rosalie and Emmett were all loved up, which was the highlight of the day. It made it all bearable. Carlisle quizzed the waitress on the quality of their food and where it was sourced. My mother nodded along like it was the most important thing in the world. And Edward was still being a selfish child begging for the attention of everyone – actions which Tanya condoned, if not encouraged. I really wanted to knock some sense into that girl, or at least get Alice to do it. It was as though she looked at the world through rose-tinted glasses and couldn't really see what was right in front of her.
When we finished breakfast we paid and headed outside. Rosalie, Emmett, Mom and Tanya stopped off at the bathroom inside, while the rest of us headed out to the cars. That was when we saw her.
Bella looked terrified as she spotted us coming out of the diner after breakfast. It hurt, seeing her look so terrified, after hearing everything she had said the night before. It confused the hell out of me, because I didn't know what to think about her, or what we were, anymore. I was just as terrified as her; frightened that just by seeing her they would all realize that I had been fucking her for the last month. Stupidly, I thought that would be the first conclusion they would jump to.
"Was that Bella Swan?" Carlisle asked innocently. Edward looked shell-shocked, and didn't answer as Tanya flitted up to his side.
"Yes," Alice answered although she wasn't looking at Carlisle. She was looking directly at me. And I knew that I was screwed. We started walking down the street, looking at the shops. I tried to catch up to Rosalie and Emmett – who hadn't seen Bella – but Alice yanked me back and forced me to stand with her as everyone walked ahead.
"Hmm, I wonder why she was in town," Carlisle pondered as he walked away. I glared at him, and was about to shout at him that it was the anniversary of Charlie's death, when Alice forced me to look at her.
"What the fuck was that?" she demanded.
"What?" I asked.
"You just looked like someone had ripped your heart out of your chest when you saw Bella. What's going on?" she demanded. She looked completely terrifying; stern, demanding, and perceptive as hell.
"What the hell? Nothing."
"Bullshit," she called. "I'm not an idiot, Jasper. I can see right through you. What's going on with you and Bella?"
I glanced nervously up the street, but thankfully everyone was out of ear shot. "Nothing," I reiterated. "Jesus. Can't you take a straight answer?"
She narrowed her eyes. "You fucked her, didn't you?"
"No, I didn't –"
I tried to rebut her, but Alice was all over me. "I heard that she was in Seattle, but it's such a huge city. I thought that surely even you couldn't manage to bump into her. And you did. Jesus, Jasper."
"Keep your voice down!" I hissed.
"It won't end well, Jasper."
"Shut up, Alice!"
"If Carlisle finds out – or if Edward finds out. Christ, Jasper."
"They won't find out!" I told her.
"So it is true. Oh, Jasper."
Alice looked at me sympathetically. That was the worst.
"It's complicated, alright?"
"Do you love her?" she asked immediately.
The question shook me. The look in Alice's eyes was serious – almost desperate. I was suddenly frightened of the little creature.
"Fuck no," I promised. "Jesus, is that the first conclusion you jump to?"
"Edward loved her," she reminded me.
"Edward didn't love her. If he did, he wouldn't have done what he did to her."
"You and I both know that's bullshit," she said simply.
"What?"
Alice sighed, as if it was some great chore for her to explain this to me. "Edward loved Bella. Sure, he had a fucked up way of showing it, but he got that trait from dear old Dad. In fact, I'm betting he still loves her. The only reason he dumped her and picked up Tanya was because of the old man over there."
I tried to not let this bother me. I attempted to push it away behind a wall. But still, I could feel it scratching at me.
"He fucked up her life," I snarled.
"You mean Carlisle fucked up her life," Alice said. "Edward was a shitty boyfriend, sure, but he didn't do all of that stuff that tore apart her family."
This was a new thing for Alice – her admitting that Carlisle had been the one who sold the drugs and manipulated everyone. She had always been such a Daddy's girl. Then again, it made perfect sense. She also had that rebellious streak. It was the explanation for her actions towards me back in high school – why we pretended to date. She wanted to drive her father around the bend and I didn't give a shit what she decided to say about me.
"So do you love her or not?" she asked me.
"No," I answered.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
Alice hummed, like this was all very interesting to her.
"What do you want out of this little…thing with her?"
"I don't know," I admitted.
"How is it going?"
"I really don't want to talk about this with you, Alice."
Alice rolled her eyes. "Right. Well, do you know anything about how you feel about her?"
"I'm confused as fuck," I admitted.
Alice nodded and pursed her lips. "Well, can I make a suggestion?"
"What?" I asked.
"Sort your shit out soon."
"What do you mean?"
"Figure out how you feel about her, and tell her. Don't screw around, because she won't stick around to wait on you."
"It's not that simple," I told her. "She's…a fighter."
"She runs away and hides, you mean," Alice said. I didn't answer. Alice grinned. "Listen, Jasper, I was her friend in high school. I know Bella. She runs from anything confrontational or hard. You are that, and more."
"Why are you telling me all of this?" I asked.
"Because I love you, and I want to help you out."
Right. I believed that.
"No, seriously, what's your angle?" I pressed.
"That is my angle," she said strongly. "I'm not always a two-faced, manipulative, crazy bitch, Jasper. You're into Bella, and I care about you."
"You care about me?" I asked sarcastically. "Really?"
"It may surprise you, but yes. I've changed since high school, Jasper. I'm not that same girl. We have all changed."
"You don't want me with Bella. It would tear your precious family apart. You will do anything to keep them together."
"Maybe," Alice shrugged elusively. "The thing is, I owe Bella. For a lot. And I owe you. So this is a form of…repayment, I suppose."
"Owe me? What the fuck do you owe me for?"
Alice smiled knowingly. It was a smile that told me that she knew a whole lot more than what she was letting on, and that she would also never share that knowledge with me. At least until the time was right.
Then, Alice walked away without another word, and I felt even more confused than ever.
:::
Bella:
I arrived home in the late afternoon, after dropping my mother back at the airport and doing a few messages. Angela was sitting on the sofa, reading a book, waiting for me to come home. As soon as I walked through the door and dropped my bag on the floor, she was wrapping me in a hug.
"Bella! Oh, how are you? How did it go? Are you alright? Can I get you anything?"
I felt crowded. I just wanted to get in to my room and scream it all out.
"I'm fine, Angela. It was a great weekend, really. Nothing went wrong. It was nice to spend time with my mom again."
Angela nodded eagerly. "Come and tell me all about it," she said.
"I would, but I'm really exhausted," I said. "Mind if I go and take a nap, and we do this later?"
Angela understood, and assured me that it was okay. I headed straight into my room, dropped my bag by the wardrobe, and threw myself onto my bed. Screaming into my pillow was the most relieving experience.
I screamed and I cried and I mulled over everything for a good hour. Nothing good came of it. I was still confused as hell. Jasper's admission about his music, about how I was the only girl he had slept with since New Year, was absolutely shocking. I had not seen it coming. I didn't know what to think about us, or where we were in this fucked up relationship system thing. Fuck buddies was meant to be simple. It was meant to be relaxing. It was meant to be pleasurable. It wasn't meant to throw me around a bend and mess with my head.
I wanted to forget. I wanted to forget it all. I wanted to forget that I had ever slept with Jasper, that he had ever told me that I inspired his music, that I had ever got to know him a bit, and that we had ever started to bond. It just made everything so much harder. Conflicting emotions were something that I didn't want to deal with. I was unsettled after that weekend, feeling something grow inside me that I didn't want.
After a little while of stewing in my thoughts, I forced myself up and went out to see Angela. She looked up at me immediately.
"What are you doing tomorrow night?" I asked.
Angela frowned. "Nothing. Why?"
"Let's go out. Clubbing. I need a night out, to get my head back on straight. Clear my thoughts. Forget about things. You know?"
Angela looked apprehensive. "Is that a really good idea?"
"Why not?" I shrugged. "You've got to let your hair down every once in a while, right?"
That wasn't just it. Alcohol, blaring music, blinding lights. It was exactly what I needed. I could numb myself to the entire world. I needed that break.
She still wasn't sure. "But tomorrow is Monday. Monday night, clubbing. Really?"
"It sounds brilliant," I grinned.
"But you hate clubbing," she said.
"Opinions change, sometimes," I shrugged.
Angela didn't want to go. Clearly, she didn't. But she was also worried about me, so she would come, because she thought that she had to protect me. She thought that I was going to do something stupid and reckless.
"Sure," she agreed finally.
Who knows? Maybe I would.
Beta'd by LithiumReaper
This is probably my least favorite chapter of the lot. It's a bit of a filler chapter – or a lot of a filler chapter – to lead onto the next part. Anyway, reviews would be nice. What are your thoughts on the revelations in this chapter?
Also, my next update might be a bit delayed. I'm about to go on summer holidays, so I will work hard to get the next chapter out in the next few weeks. But I'm also going in to have surgery at the end of the month. And if I don't get it out before then, the next chapter could be a bit delayed. Just a warning, in case I don't get another update out.
Phew. Okay. Thank you all for being the amazing people that you are. I hope everyone had a fantastic Halloween!