Legal stuff: I don't own Harry Potter, his affiliates or his subsidiaries.

Pay attention, boys and girls, there will be a quiz at the end.

=parseltongue being spoken=

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10. A penny saved, and other clichés

The man that walked in had to be at least 100 if he was a day over 20. He was wearing plaid pants, a yellow polo shirt, and tennis shoes. What Harry had first thought was a white robe was actually a lab coat, just a little longer than would be normal. He had a stethoscope hanging from his neck like a necktie, and Harry wondered if he even knew how to use it. His hair was as long as Dumbledore's but it was streaked with gray, and braided down his back. His beard was cropped close to his face, probably so it wouldn't get in the way. Harry shifted nervously on the bed.

When the Doctor spoke it was a bit too loud, and too cheerfully for Harry's taste. "Well, well, what have we here? The chart says teenage male, but you can't be much over, what, 13?"

"I'm sixteen next week, thank you very much," answered a rather offended Harry.

The Doctor snorted. "Now, now, no need to get your knickers in a twist. I'm just going by what I see. Have you ever heard of eating, son?"

Harry glanced at his professor, who quickly stepped in. "Harry has been having trouble eating recently, Bernard, but he has always been a bit small for his age. I assure you he is nearly sixteen."

The Doctor snorted again. "If you say so. Well, let's see what you've got hiding under that bathrobe, shall we?"

As the Doctor started moving closer, Harry let out a small yelp. "Professor, I don't think I want …

Albus cut in, "Bernard, please, you are going to give Harry a heart attack. You promised you would be on your best behavior. Now Harry, just relax. Dr. Bombay is just attempting to be funny. An attempt that is sadly failing, Bernard!"

"Sorry, sonny, I just meant to give you a full-body scan and see what's going on in-your-sides," the strange Doctor said, not sounding the least bit sorry. "Why don't you just relax, and lay back on the bed. This won't hurt a bit, well, unless it does."

One hour, one urine specimen – 'Pomfrey never asks for that!'— four scans, and dozens of questions later, the Doctor excused himself to review his results while Harry got dressed. When he reentered the room, he found Harry sitting on the edge of a much-lower bed, Albus sitting next to him. Dr. Bombay conjured a chair for himself, and began to give his diagnosis.

"First off Harry, I dare say that it has been longer than just this summer that you have had an eating problem. Deny it if you want, but the facts will prevail. You are undersized for your age due to long-term undernourishment. There's not much we can do for that now, you're almost fully grown. But we do need to get you eating healthy again. I'm putting you on a new eating schedule – six small meals instead of three large ones - for the next few weeks, until you put on a bit of weight. And drink plenty of liquids, water and juice especially. I personally recommend orange juice, tastes better than pumpkin juice, and it's a nicer shade of orange, too. Got all that?"

Harry nodded. "Yes. I've actually been eating a bit better the last two days."

"Good. Girls don't like boys that are all skin and bone. Now, I noticed your eyesight has changed. When was your prescription last updated?"

Harry thought a moment. "I don't really remember. I guess when I was 11. I remember that after Hagrid's visit, they took me because they were afraid the fre .., er, people might ask about it."

"Well, before you leave today, I'll get your lenses updated for you and resize the frames. Now, about that strange scar on your hand. If you are right-handed, how exactly did you manage to get the phrase 'I must not tell lies' carved into that hand?"

Harry flinched, and tried to hide his right hand. Albus reached for the hand, and held it between his own. "It was a cursed quill, Bernard. I will be dealing with the perpetrator, have no doubt about that."

Bombay seemed satisfied. "Well, as long as you are aware of the circumstances, Albus. I'm afraid the scar is too old for me to do much about, but it is rather thin, and should at least fade over time. Everything else looks healthy enough. Now Albus, why don't you see my nurse for the details of Harry's new diet. We'll just be a moment," he added, patting Harry on the leg.

Albus gave Harry's hand a final pat, and left the room. Harry shifted uncomfortably on the bed, wondering what the Doctor had missed in his earlier examination.

Soon enough, he found out. "Harry, you're almost sixteen. So tell me, do you ever slick your willy?"

Harry glanced at the Doctor, a look of confusion on his face. He wasn't asking what Harry thought, was he? "I'm sorry?"

"What, isn't that what you kids call it these days? How about wax your wand? Pet your snake? Master your domain? Do I need to show you what I mean?"

"NO! I got it. I don't see how that is relevant, er, Doctor." Harry was a very interesting shade of red by this point.

"My boy, masturbation is a perfectly natural action. Why, even at my age I still take the time to enjoy it on occasion. At your age, I would say that 4 to 7 times a week is normal. But as you get older, you must slow it down, no pun intended. Over indulgence can lead to low sperm counts. Trust me, the last thing you want as a young adult is to have to go to an apothecary for an Elixir of Semen-inis. Do you think you can be trusted to slow down on your own, or should I prescribe a de-sensitizing salve?"

Harry did not like the sound of that, and it showed in his hasty answer. "No, I'm good, thanks. Is that all then?"

"You seem reluctant to discuss this. Is it because you have trouble ejaculating? Do you experience, what is the term, wetty teddies, on a regular basis?"

"Do I what?" Harry couldn't believe the bizarre turn this exam had taken. He was sure his face was a permanent red.

"What I am asking is if you ever wake up to discover that you have ejaculated during the night. At your age, this should be happening. If it isn't, it could be an indication of a medical condition. We would need to do a more in-depth exam."

Harry was quick to answer, "No, I mean yes, I have them so no, there's nothing wrong." 'No way is he examining anything down there' "And you aren't getting a sample, so you can just vanish that cup right now." Harry had started to panic when he had seen the Doctor conjure another specimen cup.

"Very well. Don't come crying to me in another 70 or 80 years when you suddenly develop erectile dysfunction. Do I dare mention safe sex?" Harry gave a quick shake of his head. "Fine, take all my fun away. At least take this pamphlet that should answer any basic questions you have. Alright then, leave your glasses with me to be updated, and you can join Albus in the waiting room." Dr. Bombay took Harry's glasses, and held the door open for him. For his part, Harry practically ran back to Albus.

In the waiting room, he sat down next to Albus to wait for his glasses. "Professor, please, never bring me here again." Albus looked at Harry's still-red face, then glanced down at the pamphlet in his hand. "Ah, The Joy of Conjugal Relations. I remember getting that when I was attending Hogwarts. My friends and I thought it greatly outdated then. I think I have an Old English dictionary at the cottage if you have trouble with any of the words." As much as he tried, Albus couldn't keep the twinkle out of his eyes as he spoke. "At least he has saved me the embarrassment of that discussion. I must remember to thank him. Perhaps I should have that 'EKG' after all."

"This isn't funny, Sir. If it's just the same to you, I would like to pretend the last 15 minutes never happened."

Albus chuckled. "Very well. We shall so pretend. But before the pretending commences, I must add that I am available if you do have any questions. And I believe I may have a book that you will find a bit more helpful than that pamphlet. Now then, I see the nurse has your glasses. Why don't we retrieve them and take our leave?"

After having a quick lunch, Albus took Harry shopping for new clothes and other necessary items. At one of the muggle stores, Harry stopped to look at the watches.

"Harry, there is a wizard's general store on the edge of town. Why don't we get you a nice watch there? They have models that can act as Portkeys and some that buzz whenever you pass into an area protected from Apparition. I think we could even find you one like mine."

"No thank you sir. I just want one that will tell time. This one will do.", he said as he held up a plain black watch. "It says its waterproof, and the face glows in the dark."

Albus asked, "We could find you one that will yell at you if you are going to be late?"

Harry shrugged. "Wouldn't that get annoying? It's a watch. All it needs to do is show me the time."

Albus tried again. "But that is so plain. Don't you at least want this nice one with the picture of a rat on it?"

"That's not a rat. That's Mickey Mouse, and it's for little kids. I just want this plain watch." And so, in addition to several outfits, and some new boxers (because he liked a little wiggle room as much as the next guy), they bought one very cheap, very muggle watch.

They did stop at the wizard's general store, aptly called 'Wizard's General Store'. Harry picked out a couple robes in muted colors for casual wear, and a new dress robe. Albus had tried to get him to purchase the pale blue ones with what looked like dancing bears around the hem, but Harry wanted elegant. He finally chose a robe in steel grey in a traditional cut, since he figured that wouldn't clash with whatever Ginny, er, his future girlfriend might wear.

In the back of the store, Harry spotted a magical trunk, with five compartments, the last the size of a large closet. Albus noticed Harry looking at the trunk. "Would you like to get a new trunk, Harry?"

"What, you mean this thing? And have to worry that some nut job is going to lock me inside it and Polyjuice me? I don't think so. Besides, I can leave some of my stuff at the cottage, can't I? That way my trunk won't be quite so full."

"I am honored that you want to leave your things at my, I mean our, home. Of course you are welcome to do so. That is what families do. In fact, I planned on discussing the possibility of you continuing to live with me even after your 17th birthday. In the magical world, children often remain with their families until marriage, and many times even after."

Harry was stunned. "Wow. I, well, I don't know what to say."

"Don't say anything right now, Harry," Albus replied. "It has been less than a week. Let us see how the rest of this summer goes before we make such plans." Looking at the things in their basket, he added, "I think we are done here, so let us pay for our items. Was there anything else you wanted purchase today?"

"I'd like to stop at a pet shop. I thought Hedwig might like some variety, and wanted to see what a muggle shop might have."

They entered the muggle pet store and went to the bird section. Harry picked out some organic bird seed and a new water bottle. Before he went to the register, he decided to wander around the store. Near the back, Harry found the reptiles. One in particular tank, a small ball python was lounging on a rock, staring at the customers. Harry was walking past when he heard a hissing laugh. He looked back at the snake. =What's so funny?=

=You people are. Looking at me like I'm so scary. See that woman over there? She won't come anywhere near my tank. She thinks I'm pretending to be harmless while I wait for the right time to strike.=

That sounded silly to Harry. =Surely you can't be serious? Everyone knows pythons aren't poisonous.=

=I am serious, and don't call me Shirley. I happen to be male. I heard her tell that man with her that she was on to me.=

=Well, I'm sure she only meant …=, but Harry couldn't finish because he was interrupted.

"Harry, as interesting as I am sure that conversation is, you would do well to remember that we are in the presence of Muggles. Perhaps this is not the best time for such a discussion?"

"Oh, right Sir." Harry quickly glanced around. =Sorry, I've got to go.=

=I understand. Come see me again some time. I enjoyed our conversation.=

Harry turned back to see Albus smiling at him. "I don't believe I have ever heard you speak parseltongue before. As you know I can speak many languages, but that is one that will forever escape me. I would think snakes would have a fascinating view of our world. I must admit I am envious of that particular talent of yours."

Albus and Harry made their way to the register and checked out. Their last stop was for ice cream before heading home. As they eat their treats, Harry worked up the nerve to ask a question that had been on his mind all day. "Sir, can I ask you something? It's rather personal."

"Of course, Harry. We are trying to act as a family, and family members are, after all, allowed to ask each other anything."

Harry got right to the point. "Are you sick, Sir?"

The question caught Albus by surprise. "I assure you I am in perfect health. But why do you ask?"

Harry fiddled with his ice cream as he explained. "Well, in muggle fantasy stories, the young hero is often mentored by the wise, old man who dies before the hero can complete his task."

"Are you calling me a muggle fantasy cliché?"

Harry had the grace to turn red as he answered. "No, Sir. Not cliché. But you're not exactly young anymore. I mean, you kind of fit the mold – old, I mean older, wise, and powerful. And you are my mentor. I just wanted to make sure that you hadn't decided to take me in and teach me now because you know that your time is short and it's now or never. And Dr. Bombay sort of hinted that you won't let him examine you, which made me wonder if you thought he might find something."

Albus knew he had to answer carefully. "Harry, believe me when I say that I am as healthy as one can be at my age. Now, I cannot guarantee that I will not be killed in this war. Like you, I have the metaphorical target on my back. I am also not a homicidal maniac, and so I have not attempted to attain immortality. But I can assure you that I plan to still be the Headmaster of Hogwarts when your children attend. That way I can tell them of all the times you were sent to my office during your educational career."

Harry couldn't help but laugh. "You wouldn't. Those stories might give them ideas." It did, in fact, give him an idea. "But maybe I should have you pass my father's cloak on to the next generation of Potter's for their first Christmas at Hogwarts. That can be your tradition."

"Somehow, I doubt the professors would approve of such a tradition. But perhaps what they don't know, eh Harry?" Albus winked as he said this last bit, and Harry laughed.

"Right you are, Sir. By the way, how much do I owe you for today? I suppose I can give you my Gringotts key, and you can just reimburse yourself whenever you get the chance." Harry thought for a moment. "You know, I don't really know how much I have left. I haven't seen my vault since before third year. For all I know, I'm going broke."

Albus put a reassuring hand on Harry's arm. "First, you do not owe me for anything today. As your guardian, it is my responsibility to provide for you. Second, it is also my pleasure to provide for you. I am happy to see you enjoying yourself today. Third, you will be able to get into your vault yourself when you join the Weasley's for school shopping later this summer. And finally, I do not think you have to worry about your vault balance anytime soon. Your parents were quite well off – enough so that your father worked because he wanted to, not because he had to. Add to that your rather substantial inheritance from Sirius, and I dare say that young Mister Malfoy can no longer consider you beneath him, monetarily speaking. In fact, the opposite may be true."

"Oh." Harry was stunned. "Well, I didn't realize. I mean, I never really thought about it. I just knew there was a lot of gold; I never counted it or anything." Thinking over what he had just said, Harry added, "That sounds horrible, doesn't it? That I've never even asked about the balance. Does that mean that I take my money for granted? Am I a rich snob?"

His guardian shook his head. "Of course not. I think you are just a boy who grew up with next to nothing, who cannot admit to himself that he his now rich, and so he doesn't dwell on it. Now, are you finished with your ice cream? We really should be going."

Harry dropped his spoon into the melted treat, and stood up. "I'm ready anytime you are. Oh, don't forget your change. You know what they say, 'a penny saved is a penny earned.' "

"Ah yes, one of those wise muggle sayings. Thank you for the advice." Albus also stood to leave. "After you."

When Harry went to bed that night, he found a new book on his nightstand: Kirk's Reference Guide. Picking up what he assumed was an educational work Harry noticed a note with the book. "I found this much more helpful. Use it well, but not too well." Thumbing through the book, Harry's jaw nearly hit the floor. It was a book about sex, and the note was right, it was going to be much more helpful than that pamphlet Dr. Bombay had given him. There were even fold out diagrams. Harry decided this was one educational book he would definitely read cover to cover.

** end chapter **

Notes: Did you count the clichés? 1- Harry goes on shopping spree, 2- gets a new watch, 3- magical trunk makes an appearance, 4- new glasses/hadn't gotten them in a long time, 5- boxers or briefs mystery solved, 6- obligatory discussion with a snake in pet shop, 7- Harry's size due to malnutrition growing up (although I think that one has merit from clues in the books), 8- Harry gets 'the talk', and 9- Harry's very rich.

From the doctor's visit: Semen-inis is latin for seed, you can work it out from there. I made up the 'medical facts' the Doctor was dishing out, as I had no interest in looking up that particular topic, so don't bother correcting me, or getting your hopes up.

According to an interview by Jo, Dumbledore can understand, but not speak parseltongue. Kirk's Reference Guide is in honor of Captain James T. Kirk, who always seemed to land the hot chicks, and he surely knew enough to write such a book.