No title

500 words

Pretty dark. May be triggering to some. Suicidal thoughts in the first person.

There was a time, a time when everything was good. I was happy. But those days are gone.

I sit here, consumed with an overwhelming desire to bring everything to an end.

I've screwed up so many things in my life, lost so much. And I've kept on fighting, kept on living. Kept trying my best. But it's never enough. It will never be enough.

The calming sounds of the waves grace my ears as I walk along the seafront, trying to suppress the urge to take a never ending plunge into the icy cold water. To bring the pain to an end. To forget about it all, forevermore.

But what good would that do?

Would it bring back the people I loved and lost? Would it fix the things that happened to me? Would it make it alright? Would anyone even notice? Would anyone be affected by my disappearance?

I guess that's something no one can ever truly know, because once you're gone, you can't possibly know the affect you may have had, or proceed to have on someone's life. Whether past or present. Have I done enough good to outweigh the bad? Never.

Will the good ever outweigh the bad?

Probably not.

Never

I walk along the pier, heading towards the end. The largest drop. The deepest water. The rocks below. The crashing waves.

Stopping I stand and light up a cigarette, tears in my eyes. Taking in the last calming wave of nicotine. Contemplating my options. Live and let go, or just let go.

What is even to live for at this point?

Not much, not much of anything.

Nothing.

The woman I love? She'll probably not even notice I'm gone. I mean, she deserves so much better than I could ever offer her. Of course she does. She deserves the world and more. But I'll never be enough.

Never enough.

I look out over the ocean, taking steadying breaths. My mind, it's made up.

I have to do this, for me. Maybe it's selfish. But I've never been selfish, not once in my entire life. For once, what could it hurt?

What could it hurt to take something for myself for once.

To just let go.

To give up.

Heaven's got a plan for me. Or has it? Is there even a heaven? Or a hell? Or is there just nothing?

Nothing.

It always comes back to nothing.

I flick my cigarette over the edge, watching it descend, falling effortlessly in the wind. Until it hits the water and is extinguished in an instant.

What the hell.

What's the point?

I steel myself for the impending action of taking that one final step over the edge. Of finally making it all stop.

Ending it all.

Stopping the pain.

Forever.

One final deep breath.

I falter momentarily. But it's only for a second. A second before I begin to take the step.

One final look out over the ocean.

One final thought.

Her.

It's always her.

"Amanda."