Sorry for the late update, but just got back from Flagstaff, Arizona where I spent a whole week during the holiday. Did not get a chance to finish a couple of Christmas stories I had intended to post during late December, so I decided to post this little story I had already written since November. This update has nothing to do with Christmas, but maybe will warm you up a bit and make you yearn for some summer weather.

Disclaimer: I do not own Fifty Shades of Grey, E.L. James does, but I love to play with her characters, especially Teddy.

Girls and bikinis

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(Teddy's email to his friend Jimmy) Sometime in the future.

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Que pasa Jimmy?

That was one long ass email you sent me, and all I asked you was how your family summer vacation was going, not how dysfunctional is your family? Jeez Jimbo! At least you're vacationing somewhere else outside rainy Washington State.

How was my summer vacation you asked? Well, I got sunburned real good. I look like a lobster, and I'm still peeling off flakes of skin. And yes, I got to see many hot looking girls in bikinis! Aren't you jealous yet? Ha, Ha, just kidding Jimbo.

San Guatanejo is beyond words, beautiful beach dude; best one in Mexico if you ask me. Most Mexican girls I met could speak English, so communication was no problem at all, although I did impress them with my 'Gringo' Spanish. Yep, one of the best summer vacations I've had so far.

Mom and Dad pretty much let me do my thing, although I had my two personal shadows following me everywhere I went. Robert and Lance are cool, they don't always tell Dad everything I do, cos if they did, I would be grounded for the rest of my life. Besides, Robert is really smooth with the ladies, I'm learning a lot from him, and Lance, well, let's just say he took care of a few 'incidents' my brother and I managed to get involved in, nothing serious, really. Thank God we stayed in my parent's boat cos besides being able to make a faster getaway, and if we stayed at a hotel, everyone in Mexico would have heard Dad yell all types of profanities known to mankind. Any hoot, I'll tell you all about the fire later.

Did Phoebe or Phil ruin my fun you ask? Well, they tried, but let's start with Phil. Why start with my younger brother? I'll tell you why. Because he is the biggest pain in my ass, that's why. He tried to ruin every chance I had to hook up with a beautiful girl by following me everywhere and opening his big mouth. He embarrassed me with the 'I'm the cute on' and 'I can make better flopping noises with my armpits'. He even called me pizza face! Twice! While I was singing to two girls from Ensenada with my guitar! Dude, I was singing in Spanish too! I know, cheesy, but hey, girls love a guy that can sing and play a guitar. But all was not lost, cos Lance suddenly showed up out of nowhere and grabbed Phil over his shoulder and hightailed out of sight.

My cousins Ava and Carl joined us this time, and thank God for that. As least Ava kept Phoebe busy and away from me. As always Phil and Carl got into more trouble; yep, I'll tell you about that other fire later.

Phoebe and Ava look nothing alike, but they are very alike, if you know what I mean. They both like to boss everyone around, just like my Dad. Mom says that Ava is more like Aunt Kate than Uncle Elliot. One thing is for sure, Phil and Carl are just like him. Dad says those two are like two peas in a pod that was farted out by Uncle Elliot. Gross! Those two together usually means trouble, so Dad lays off me because he is too busy keeping an eye on them.

Did I ever tell you that once Phil got into Mom's purse, and got what he thought was pink candy and offered it to Dad's guests at some fancy shindig to raise money for one of my Grandma's charities? Turns out it was not pink candy at all, but Mom's tampons. Poor Mom, she was mortified and humiliated, since most of the guests Phil offered the 'candy' to were guys, and he told them they were from Mom. Waaahaa! I know, too much information.

Any hoot, besides Dad's shouting and Mom trying to calm him down and scolding all of us, we really did have a good time. By the way, jet skis are the best. What a rush! I got to ride with a very cute girl I met from New Mexico. Dad even let me invite her over for dinner, he even asked her parents for permission. Guess they knew who Dad was cos they both just stared at him with their mouths open when he asked them. Her name is Cindy and she is really cute and nice. She's got freckles and long hair. I got her cell and email, but haven't called her yet; guess I'm not sure what to talk about. She likes some boy band, and those cheese werewolf books, and she likes to dance. In other words, we have nothing in common. But she is very cute.

Dude, why do you keep asking how my Mom looks in a bikini? You're sick, you know that? For the hundredth time Jimbo...She. Is. My. Mom! Seriously dude? I don't stare at her, or Phoebe, or Ava, sick! Eeuuuyy!

That reminds me though, Mom does get a lot of stares from old dudes, even some young ones, and that bothers Dad a whole lot.

Wanna hear something funny? We were having dinner at this restaurant in San Guatanejo one night, and this one oldie was staring and drooling at Mom, so I expected Dad to get mad and say something to the old fart. But guess what, it was Phil who apparently didn't take well to having some perv leer at Mom, so he took one of his sandals off and threw it right at him. He's got good aim dude, got him right smack on his face, guess all that pitching training was worth it. Anyways, Mom got all embarrassed and really mad at him and spent a long time apologizing to the old dude, but Dad just stood there without saying anything, just giving this guy the 'evil' eye. You now that look Jimbo, the one Dad gives you when you act all goofy around Mom? Yep, that's one. Any hoot, Phil got punished. Mom took away all his games and iPod, and made him apologize to the old guy. Later that day, Dad came into our room and hugged Phil. He told Phil that what he did was wrong, but that he understood why he did it. He made us promise never to tell Mom when he told us that he was just about to grab the guy by the neck when Phil decided to throw his Randy Johnson strike right at the moron's face. Mom did get very mad at Dad too, cos she heard all of us laughing our butts off when she came by to check up on Phil.

So, the moral of the story is:

If you don't want to get Phil's shoe on your face, or Dad's foot up your ass, or my fist up your nose; STOP ASKING HOW MOM LOOKS IN A BIKINI!

Your best friend,

Theodore Grey

P.S. See ya this Saturday at Keenan's B-day party!

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Short but silly chapter I wrote a while back using some suggestions from my readers for Teddy's stories. I decided not to post the Christmas themed stories I started but never finished, so I will instead try to finish a couple of chapters I am writing for my other stories, A Birthday To Remember and Five Years later.

I hope you enjoyed and please review, all input is greatly appreciated.

Note: to all non-baseball fans, Randy Johnson is a future hall of famer, if he isn't one already. Great former pitcher that won many Cy Young awards. The elite of pitchers.