Matsuda's eyes feel like they're covered in sand, and when he closes them, faces and numbers float behind them in red. He blinks a few times and then he's yawning like he's never going to stop as he realises how tired he is.

They're still sending over camera footage but he figures he'll take a break. Just a little break. He's practically forgetting how to read at the moment.

When he comes back, cup of coffee in hand, the main room is still empty. The house is very quiet – he didn't notice until now. Makes sense, because most of the regular staff have gone home, there's just a few guys still on duty. But Matsuda's pretty much always with someone else in the evenings, he hadn't taken in how silent the place is when you're on your own.

He sinks down into the chair and blows on the coffee and when he looks up again, Ryuk is standing just beyond the desk. Matsuda's got used to him by now but he still nearly spills the coffee all over his lap.

"You could have an apple as well," Ryuk says, his grin widening.

"You mean you could have an apple. And no way, I'm not going to go hunting through the kitchen now. There's too much to do."

"C'mon, it's not like you're going to get loads done now," Ryuk says. "You'll get sleepy. Humans always do."

On more than one occasion, Matsuda has woken up in Raito's bed to find Ryuk in the room watching them both. It's not like he minds – Ryuk isn't threatening or creepy (well, not that creepy) but it's a weird little reminder that someone knows every move Raito makes, someone probably knows Raito as well as he knows himself by now. Has watched him fall in love with Matsuda too, all this time.

"That's why I got the coffee," he says. "Where's Raito? He hasn't gone to sleep, has he?"

Ryuk pulled a face at the mention of coffee. Now he starts looking distractedly round the room as if some apples might have appeared while they've been talking. "Gone to see Takada. Said he wants her to talk about Mello on TV."

"Right." The information tastes sour. Matsuda's not jealous of Takada, just like he wasn't jealous of Misa. Just that... Takada's smart and good-looking and a girl and Raito's age, and Matsuda sometimes can't help imagining the two of them talking about him and laughing. Even though Raito would never be mean like that. It's just he's kind of used to the clever, popular people talking about him and laughing. "She hasn't seen him in a while. She probably misses him."

Ryuk shrugs. Matsuda knows he should be getting back to the camera footage but the tiredness is still sunk into his bones and it isn't like anyone else will see him goofing off a little longer. "I guess he was done talking to Ide, then."

Ryuk shrugs again but he doesn't say anything and the last sentence hangs in the air. Matsuda wishes he hadn't said it; he'd been trying to avoid thinking about Raito talking to Ide. Of course it would have been fine, but… Ide was stressed enough already and Matsuda would really kind of like it if they could all just forget most of what's happened in the last forty-eight hours. And Ide's been so twitchy. He might've said the wrong thing. He... yeah, he might have... now Matsuda's thought it he can't get it out of his mind. Ide's said the wrong thing and triggered another set of... of lies and hidden meanings and Matsuda will have to try and fix it all...

This really isn't helping with the tiredness. Plus he can't sit down and stare at more footage with this – okay, this panic going round in his head. Ide – if Ide's asleep then it'll mean everything's fine because Ide doesn't tend to sleep much if he's scared, and if he's awake then they can talk and Matsuda can just check everything's all right.

Which it will be.

The house really is quiet. His footsteps sound too loud, as if he's not meant to be here, as if he's the noise someone else is frightened of. The corridor to Ide's room is dark, only lit by the glow of the hallway at the end. Matsuda reaches the right door and finds himself just standing there, unable to make himself raise a hand and knock, because – because what if it's not all right – what if it –

His face is hot and he's scared enough he feels like he might cry, which is pathetic and weird, and if anyone comes down the corridor and sees him standing here like he's lost they'll think he's going nuts. He bites down on his lip and hammers on the door too hard because his hand is shaking. "Ide? It's me." He wants to carry on talking, he doesn't want to wait in the silence...

There's silence anyway for a few seconds before he hears movement on the other side of the door, and wrenches it open before he can start freaking himself out even more.

Ide stares at him. He looks – he looks pale and numb and he definitely doesn't look like everything is all right –

Matsuda swallows and he can't make himself say what's happened but Ide says, slowly, like someone's put him back under sedation, "Why... why are you... he said you weren't supposed to be here..."

"I – yeah, I guess, I mean, I'm in the middle of checking that footage, but I couldn't... and he's out at the moment so I wanted to see how you were..."

"I'm." Ide says the one word and then seems to forget what should come next, and Matsuda's really scared now, he grabs him by the arm and whispers, "Ide, what happened?"

"He. He... it was about what... it was about what I said..."

Ide is shaking and Matsuda thinks he'd hate being seen like this, if someone else comes along, he'd hate people thinking he can't cope –

"You should sit down," he says, "I can come in and we can talk… you should..."

They're back in the bedroom, in the dark. Ide has slumped onto the end of the bed, head in his hands. Matsuda can't think where to sit. Or stand. He's saying again, "What's happened?" and Ide swallows and starts to speak but he only says, "I've…" and then his voice trails off.

Matsuda can feel dread creeping down his back but he bites his lip and waits and eventually Ide swallows again, pinches the bridge of his nose, and says, voice numb, "I've got Aizawa killed. That's what's happened."

"You... Aizawa's dead?" He can't be, Matsuda nearly says. Aizawa hasn't done anything he wasn't already doing.

"Not... not yet." Ide shivers. "He has to... he has to switch sides by six o'clock. Tomorrow morning. Or... or today, I guess."

So there's hope after all. "Well, that's all right, then, if he just has to –"

"He won't," Ide says. "He said he won't. Said he's got nothing more to say…"

"So he knows? He knows he's supposed to..."

"I had to… I had to tell him." Ide addresses his words to the floor. "He wouldn't listen. I didn't know how to – to get it through to him and… and I…" Another breath, this one husky. "I couldn't even tell him it was – it was because of me –"

"Because of…" Matsuda echoes it because it doesn't make any sense.

Except that it does...

"Because of what I said," Ide says. "Because of how badly I reacted to your… your confessions. Because it wasn't what I was supposed to have said and we both knew it and he wanted to make me sorry. I let Aizawa think it was because of Mello, because Raito's got paranoid… I should've told him he was right... this would've have happened if I'd listened to him but I didn't and… and now I…"

He forces another breath.

"You… you should go," he says at last. "He said he… he wanted us to stop… to stop depending on each other. You…"

Matsuda can't stand up. He slumps down onto the bed and he's saying on autopilot It's all right. He's not here right now, I'll stay, it's all right and Ide doesn't argue, he doesn't even answer, he just slumps against Matsuda but he's still shaking. Or Matsuda is.

Ide was barely holding it together anyway. If – if Aizawa is actually killed, if Ide's right, then there's no way he'll –

What am I… what am I meant to do now…

He doesn't know. He. He picked a side. He picked Kira's side and that's fine, he gets that, he knows that Kira's good and righteous and everything, but Raito promised not to… he promised not to…

Aizawa doesn't need to die, he's not doing anything, he can't, Raito can't just kill him like it's, like it's tidying up leftover paperwork…

Aizawa could've played along. Anger behind his eyes. It's not like he didn't know what the risk was. He could've said what Raito wants him to. If he wants to die, that's – that's not my fault –

But that's stupid, Aizawa doesn't do playing along and Raito would know that, Raito's asking him to do something he knows won't happen and... it's not like Matsuda likes Aizawa much but that doesn't mean he wants him dead. Not for no reason. With – with Near and the SPK it was different, they were on the trail, it was them or us, but you can't just kill someone to – to prove a point –

And Ide wasn't even really against Kira… he was just… he was just shocked, because it was me, because we'd worked together, because he'd thought I'd had all the same stuff as him happening…

Matsuda shouldn't have told Raito the rest of that stuff about Ide. He should've… he should've just hung up on Mello, he shouldn't have tried to be clever. Or he should have tried harder and told Raito the truth in a way that didn't make it sound bad. He just blurted a bunch of stuff out because Raito kissed him. If Ide finds that out, he'll start hating Matsuda all over again.

Ide's breath is shaking. Matsuda puts his arms round him, rests his head against Ide's, and they sit like that for a while. Ide doesn't say anything or shove him away but he doesn't move to kiss or touch him either. Still. He doesn't push him away. That's good, right? That means Matsuda's helping, somehow, sort of. Ide's not – if he were going to be angry, he'd have lost it with Matsuda as soon as they came face to face…

At last, Ide shifts, and pulls himself free.

"You said he's out right now," he says, his voice flat.

"Ye – yeah. Visiting Takada. He'll probably be back soon, though, if he – if he said –"

Ide nods. He's leaning forward, resting his arms on his knees, staring ahead.

"Okay," he says at last. "So… so when he… when he gets here, I'll go to him and… and I'll say… I'll…"

Matsuda wants to clutch him by the arm, cut him off.

"It's because of me he's doing this," Ide carries on. "Aizawa wasn't a problem to him before. If I say he might as well kill me, then maybe… maybe he'll…"

He sounds far away still, as if he hasn't woken up. Matsuda waits for him to take it back, or for the words to start meaning something else, but it sits there between them and –

"Don't be stupid," he hears himself say.

"Excuse me?"

Matsuda can hear that a line's been crossed, somehow, somewhere, but he can't think of anything to do but carry on talking even if it's all nonsense: "Raito wouldn't, he wouldn't kill someone else just because of you, that's pointless, so… so he'd just think you were – you were confessing to something, or, or you wanted to die, and… and it's ridiculous to throw away your own life just because… just because…"

"Just because what?" Ide sounds a little more like his usual self but that's no comfort because Matsuda knows they're about to start saying a bunch of things they probably shouldn't talk about. "Because I give a damn about my friend dying as punishment for something I did? Because this is never going to stop and it's only a matter of time before I say something else Kira doesn't approve of and I'm already a goddamn basket case as it is? What exactly about me is worth preserving?"

Matsuda feels like he's being shaken as the words rattle out: "It's not like that. You'll be fine if you're –"

"Sensible?" Ide says with scorn.

"Well – yeah –"

"No," Ide says. "No, I don't think I will. I think Raito's just waiting for an excuse to write my name down. I think Mello's right and I'm a security risk. I think the only reason I'm still alive is you asked him not to kill me, and, you know what, I think he'll be able to talk you round sooner or later –"

There's an edge of disgust in his voice. Like Matsuda's – like Matsuda doesn't even make any of his own decisions, like Matsuda is just some – some lovesick idiot doing whatever Raito tells him –

"I won't let him."

"Like you weren't going to let him kill Aizawa."

"I won't…" Matsuda says again, and suddenly he can see exactly where this is going, the path spilling out ahead of him, and he is so frightened he can hardly breathe. "I won't – let him – I'll go to him and – and make sure he doesn't –"

Ide snorts and Matsuda is so furious it's like cold water poured over him.

"I will," he says, just managing to keep his voice below a yell. "I will. You come with me. You'll see."

"I doubt that," Ide says, warily like he didn't expect this either. "He'll do what he wants, like he always has. He doesn't give a damn about your thoughts on the matter, you're as powerless as I am here –"

Matsuda hears himself say through gritted teeth, "Just shut up. Just shut up and let me sort this out."

There's the sound of a car pulling up in the drive.

Ide is dead white and he swallows and starts to say, "Don't – don't be stupid –"

"Come on," Matsuda says, even as his thoughts scream at him to back down. "Let's go find him."

"Don't be stupid," Ide says again, "I'm supposed to stay here, you're not meant to be talking to me, you can't just –"

"You can't just go up to him and say he should kill you. So come on."

They're in the corridor. Matsuda can barely feel his feet on the floor. His ears are ringing. Stop it he's trying to tell himself. No need to be scared. Raito won't hurt me. He won't do anything to me. He loves me, we're on the same side, he said I'm his and... and all that stuff. And this isn't fair, Raito must know that… Matsuda can explain and... Raito's just stressed about Mello and he doesn't need to be... they can fix this...

"You can't seriously think this will work," Ide says when they're near the main office. He's muttering, talking like he feels sick. "You… it's pointless you trying. Just let me… let me say my piece and…"

Matsuda wants to shake him or shove him off his feet or something, does he not get once he says anything like that to Raito then that will be it? "No. You don't need to say anything to him, all right? Just – just go and wait in that room with the books. I'll come and find you when everything's okay."

He sounds like someone who actually has a plan. Maybe Ide buys into it, or maybe Ide is just used by this time to going where he's told, because he stumbles back, and down the corridor, glancing round at Matsuda every so often.

And then Matsuda's on his own, standing in front of the main office door. There's a thin line of light at the bottom. He's going to knock and then he wonders what he'll do if Raito tells him to go away so he's just wrenching the door open like this is his house too. It clatters back against the wall.

Raito, at the desk, stops typing and scowls at him. "Matsuda, I'm a little busy right now –"

Already Matsuda wants to run and so he just blurts out, louder than he needs to, "Ide said you're going to kill Aizawa."

Raito blinks.

"Yes," he says. "Unless he comes round to Kira in the next few hours, although to be honest I doubt I'd believe him if he did –"

Matsuda had all sorts of arguments in his head but they are rushing away and so he just interrupts, "You can't," like he's not even listening.

Raito's eyes narrow and he says, an edge of annoyance in his voice, "I don't recall asking for your opinion, Matsuda. I assume Ide put you up to this, which is disappointing as I had already explained my reasoning to him –"

The air's getting too thin. Matsuda tries to take a breath anyway, to explain, "No, he – he hasn't done anything, it's not his fault, he just told me and –"

"And you thought you'd come and give me your badly-thought-out opinions on the matter."

He glances back at the computer screen like that's it, like that's really all they're going to say. Matsuda knows he is being stupid and pathetic and he should just go, but he promised. He promised.

"I… I mean it," he says. "You can't do it. I'm not… it's not going to… to happen."

Raito looks up at him and Matsuda actually does find himself taking a couple of steps back.

"Do you know what?" Raito says at last, and his voice is quiet and cold but Matsuda knows exactly how furious he is. "I am getting quite tired of you constantly telling me that Ide and Aizawa have done nothing wrong, that I should be granting them special privileges for no other reason than... well, to be honest, Matsuda, I don't know what your reason is. This is not open for discussion. I'm attempting to limit the damage you've already caused by taking the necessary steps and that's the end of it. Now, can you please let me get on?"

Each breath is an effort now. Matsuda can taste nausea at the back of his throat. What he's supposed to do now is apologise and then walk away. He's an idiot but he doesn't just... do things that no sane person would do. This is going to ruin everything and he's persisting in doing it.

"Ide – Ide thinks it's to punish him. For saying the wrong stuff when… when he found out about me."

Wearily, Raito pushes the keyboard aside and gets to his feet. "As I told him, it's because I can't afford to keep taking unnecessary risks when Mello is active. We lost a significant amount of information to Mello because Ide is still alive. I don't want that to happen twice. Yes, Ide also needs to learn that when you are caught in a lie, there are consequences. This will be an excellent lesson for him. Is this simple enough, Matsuda, or do you need me to explain it again?"

Matsuda hadn't realised how much he was hoping there'd be a mistake in what Ide had told him. Some obvious solution. There's actually still a bit of hope floating around in his thoughts, maybe, maybe, like he hasn't caught up with what he's hearing. There isn't any maybe. Matsuda's promise to Ide to fix things is kind of like he's promised to solve some age-old really complicated maths theorem. He hasn't a hope in hell.

"I understand," he hears himself say and Raito nods, already turning to sit down: "Then please stop disturbing me." Like there's nothing more to say. It feels like there's nothing more to say. Raito has said it will happen, so it will. Raito is talking about it like there's absolutely nothing wrong with it. And Ide will be furious and he'll probably get himself killed too and –

If he keeps talking – if he just keeps talking –

"But it's not fair." He's shaking so much he can hardly speak. "Aizawa isn't causing any problems, he doesn't need to…" No, Raito will shoot that down by mentioning Mello. "They just… they just picked the wrong side – they're not bad people –"

Raito turns back towards him.

"They just wanted to see us both executed," he says, coming towards Matsuda, voice as slow and calm as his footsteps. "They just wanted to pretend Kira isn't saving the world because they can't face admitting they were wrong. Aizawa has stated – very clearly – that he'll die rather than change his thinking. Ide has lied to both of us in order to save his own skin and he'll keep doing it. Not to mention the knowledge that they have could get us both killed."

The thing about arguing with Raito is that everything he says sounds correct, everything joins up in logical order, and even if you had any counter-arguments they start sounding stupid. Certainly there's no point in trying to convince Raito that any of what he's said isn't true.

"I… I know," he manages to say. "I know all that but… but I don't… I don't want you to. Please. You can't just… you can't just kill people because it… it makes stuff easier…"

Raito smiles, sympathetically. He's right next to Matsuda, now, and gently strokes his face.

"Matsuda," he says. "You don't know what you want." His fingers are soft and warm and Matsuda is hot suddenly, as if none of this matters, as if the only important thing is Raito's skin, Raito's mouth.

"You're confused," Raito is saying, hand caressing the back of Matsuda's neck, pulling him closer. "It's been a stressful couple of days and you're tired and so you're being irrational. Stop thinking about this. Just trust me. Trust that I know what I'm doing."

"I…" Their mouths are very close. "I do trust you, I just…"

"Then why are you behaving as though you don't?"

Because… But there isn't an answer and Raito is so calm, the earlier frustration already vanished, and Matsuda can feel the warmth from him as he continues, "I'll tell you what you're going to do. You're going to go to bed, and rest, and when you wake up this will all make much more sense. In the meantime, I'll talk to Ide and Aizawa. You don't have to see either of them any more. They're only upsetting you."

Matsuda feels tears sting his eyes because that sounds like heaven. Everything is all right. He doesn't need to worry. He can stop trying to be perfect and just go and sleep and sleep forever. Raito can always offer him things he didn't even know until that moment that he wanted. And you're going to keep on arguing about this and ruin everything... He could... he could stop. He could... Ide would understand eventually, Ide isn't exactly surprised about this, and he wants to live, they all know it... he wouldn't actually go and offer himself up as a sacrifice, you can talk and talk about being willing to die but it doesn't mean you are...

He sounded pretty sure of it.

And even if he doesn't go through with that, he's still not going to forgive me for this.

The way Ide's been looking at him like Matsuda's turned into someone else. How there's all this stuff he's not saying, just on the edge of Matsuda's hearing. Raito even said it, Aizawa was always the person he actually wanted to work with. Ide will figure it was basically I let Aizawa die. And it's not fair, none of it is fair, Raito could fix all of this if he wanted...

He takes a step back and his voice comes out shaky and loud: "I'm not going to let you kill them."

Raito tenses.

"I don't recall you letting, or not letting, me do anything," he says, and now his voice is cold. "You're not my superior, Matsuda."

"I know, but… but it doesn't mean I can't… it doesn't mean it's okay for you to just – do whatever you want." He's so terrified he feels like he's going to faint. This is such a stupid, risky thing to be doing that it's like a dream. "And so I don't... want you to kill Aizawa. Or Ide. I want... I want them to be alive. Like we agreed. They don't… they don't deserve to die."

"I'm not interested in what you want," Raito says. "I'm interested in what's best for the new world. I thought that you were, as well."

"I'm... I am. I am, but..." Back down, everything is screaming, but he can't, there is nothing to do but – but go through this –

"I'm... I'm Kira, too," he says, but his voice is shaking like crazy. "I'm... on your side but that doesn't mean... that doesn't mean you get to make all the – the decisions. You mostly get to – to have everything your way, well, I – I want this. Okay?" Please, he wants to say, please let it stop –

Raito's hands curl into fists.

"I don't believe this," he says. "You're standing here telling me that you've contributed equally to the new world? You're equivalent to Kira?" Disgust in his voice. "You're telling me I have everything my way as if this was all fun for me? You've decided that writing down a few names makes you in any way able to decide who gets to live and who doesn't?"

"I didn't – I didn't say that –" I take it back, I didn't mean it, I'm sorry – "Please. Please just... listen to me. I... I need this. I need them not to die and –"

"And I need as few avenues of attack as possible for Mello to use. This is vital, Matsuda. Creating the new world requires sacrifices, in case you'd forgotten. I see you feel that doesn't apply to you –"

"That's not what I said –"

"Yes, it's exactly what you said –"

"No, it's not, stop doing this!" His voice is rising. He sounds so dumb. "Stop taking everything and making it bad, stop talking like I'm –"

"Like you're letting your own selfishness blind you to what has to be done? Like you feel you're owed something?" Raito has gone pale; he snaps off each word, and Matsuda wants to back away but he knows if he starts he'll just flee – "Like you think your needs are more important than the fate of the world?"

They stand face to face and Raito carries on, "How many names have you written down by now?"

Everything waits and of course Matsuda doesn't have an answer, he's not had an answer for weeks. Raito shakes his head. "You were happy to see every one of those people die for the sake of the new world. Every single one. And have any of those deaths led to anything but good? Can you even remember most of them? I doubt it. And throughout the world everyone is happy and safe and you're really telling me that one or two more names are so important to you that you'll risk all of that? "

Two.

"No," he's saying, or maybe only thinking, and Raito is continuing, "You don't seem to realise the stakes we're playing for, you don't seem to realise that it isn't about individuals – I can't believe you're being so blind – I should never have let them live –"

His thoughts aren't making sense any more, it's like someone else is talking nonsense in his head. He can't mean it. He doesn't understand. He wouldn't just. I was trying to help and –

"Anyone who poses a problem for the new world needs to have their name written down." Raito sounds calmer again now. "We can't afford to let our own likes and dislikes come into it. I thought you understood but you clearly didn't make the connection. That's all right. This incident will solve that –"

"No," Matsuda is saying, over and over, "No, no," he can't let this happen, he can't let this happen, he promised Ide he'd make it all right, he promised him he'd be safe – "Please, please Raito, I know you're right and I know it's best but please, not like this, I said I'd sort it out, please don't, please..."

"Matsuda, that's enough," Raito snaps. "Stop shouting and listen to me. I'm not doing this because I want to see you miserable, or to prove a point. I'm doing it because it's the right thing to do, for the world and for Kira's rule."

His eyes narrow, but his voice is still perfectly steady as he says:

"So I suggest that you think about where your loyalties lie. If you're going to become a threat to Kira, then I'll have to deal with that accordingly. You're extremely close to crossing that line."

And everything is silent.

Like the world's exploded but every piece of glass and speck of dust is just hanging in the air.

"You..." Matsuda swallows, tries to get some air into his lungs, tries to say something like you wouldn't. Like Raito is a bad guy. Someone to be scared of.

Raito is turning away to the safe on the wall where he keeps his notebook.

"Please."

Please make this not be happening.

He doesn't know what to do. If he keeps this going then Raito will – only Raito won't, not really, but Matsuda has clearly made him angry enough to make such a threat – so if Matsuda doesn't shut up then Raito will hate him forever and – where am I meant to go if –

Beep as Raito types in each digit of the codes. As if Matsuda's not in the room.

"Matsuda," he says at last. "I have told you that the answer is no. Clearly you need this emphasised." The safe door swings open. Raito turns round, notebook in his hands. "I'm going to write down their names now and you are going to get control of yourself. If you don't, I'm going to take that as a challenge to Kira's rule. I hope you understand what I'm saying."

He's placing the notebook on the desk. Opening it to a blank page. Matsuda is watching and everything is still so quiet and he can't move, he can't speak, it's like he's been turned to stone. I hope you understand. This is the worst anything could be and he doesn't know how to fix it except by staying silent, and –

Raito is reaching for a pen.

If he stays silent then Raito will kill Ide and Aizawa right in front of him –

Raito is about to put pen to paper. Matsuda's dived forward and grabbed at his arm before he can think. Raito wrenches himself free and lashes out, catching Matsuda in the face. He stumbles and grabs at the desk to keep his balance and then they're staring at each other across it. Raito's eyes are narrowed, his breathing faster now. He hadn't expected that either. He'd thought Matsuda was just going to stand there.

And so he'll –

He'll –

"All right," he's saying now. Still so calm. "If that's the way you want it, Matsuda."

He's starting to write something and Matsuda is yelling "Stop," and suddenly his gun is in his hands, he's shaking so much he can see the barrel trace out a figure eight in front of Raito's eyes.

The pen goes still.

"Matsuda," Raito says at last. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

Matsuda has no idea any more. Just that as soon as he stops doing something, the entire situation will fall apart – he has to hold things together –

"You're not..." His voice sounds far away, unsteady. "You're not going to kill them."

"Are you seriously telling me that you're going to kill me if I don't listen to you?" Raito says. He sounds like he doesn't know quite how to sound. As if he wants to laugh even though he knows it's stupid. Matsuda thought he was the only person who felt like that in awkward situations. He'd like to keep thinking about that, remember some embarrassing moments, chatter about how they're the same, anything to avoid actually answering the question...

"You... you were going to write my name down," he says. Like that's the most important thing. It's not, but it's something that makes sense... it's a reason that would let you back down...

"And holding me at gunpoint is meant to reassure me that you're still on my side?"

"I don't... I don't want to... I don't want to..." His voice is wavering. Oh, god, he's destroyed everything –

"Then put down the gun," Raito says. "Matsuda, this is all completely unnecessary. You're the one making a scene about nothing. You're the one who's threatened Kira. You're the one who started this conversation to begin with. You can still make things right. If you want to."

"You were going to write my name down." Saying it again is making the shock hit, a wave of dizziness washing over him. He can't make it make sense. He can barely feel the floor under his feet.

"I said twice that I would do that if you didn't stop defying me."

"I… I know, but…" He can't think, he can't hear past his own panicked breathing. Raito warned him and – he warned himself, he knew something awful was going to happen if he kept pushing this but –

In his head he's hearing Mello say over and over, Kira's going to kill you, jeering, like he saw this coming the whole time. It still sounds crazy even now. Kira doesn't kill the people on his side. Raito could've killed Matsuda straight off when he found out, but he didn't, because –

"I told you," Raito continues. "The new world is what's important to us. You're threatening to destroy all that and I will not let it happen. Being a hero requires sacrifices. I thought you knew that."

Matsuda swallows and manages to choke out, "So you'd, so you'd sacrifice me." He wants to sound as cool and calm as Raito does, or at the very least angry, but he just sounds like he's about to cry. He thinks he is about to cry. "That's... that's what you're saying. If you had to, you'd kill me to... to protect Kira."

"Matsuda..." Raito is leaning forward now, voice soft and warm. "You're not thinking straight. I love you. You know that. But I care about the whole world. Of course I don't want to see you dead. I'd be devastated to lose you. But... you can't ask me to choose you – or anyone else – over the rest of humanity."

Like it makes so much sense.

"No," he's yelling. "No. No, that's not how it works, it – if you love someone you – you want them to be alive – you can't do this to me, you can't, you promised –" He's making everything worse, he knows it, but how dare Raito expect him to be, to be happy about his own death? "You said, all that stuff, all those things about how you were glad I was here and – all those things about how you'd never hurt me and –" Mello again, laughing, if you love someone, you want to keep them not dead – if you love someone – if you –

Raito is supposed to be shouting too, by this point. He's supposed to be yelling I meant every word or How could you think that about me? or Don't make me do this or – something that's at least kind of like what Matsuda's going on about. Instead he's as calm as he always is, like that it's just fine that they're basically holding each other at gunpoint, like he prefers it this way, like he's – like he's got bored of pretending –

Dead man walking –

In his head, in his thoughts, there's just –

"Put down the gun," Raito says, and there's genuine warmth in his voice, like he knows Matsuda will listen to him, like he knows he's got nothing to be frightened of. "It's all right, Matsuda, I promise. It's all right."

Matsuda imagines letting his arms drop, his fingers uncurl. He would lie the gun on the table and then he'd probably collapse to his knees – he's pretty sure it's only adrenaline and fury keeping him upright – and Raito would walk round and stroke his hair and hold him and –

And –

He might say, "I'm sorry, I didn't realise, I didn't know they were important to you, I'll let them live, I'll let you live –"

But Matsuda's not that dumb. This is the worst thing he's ever done. Raito can tell him it will be all right and maybe it will but there'll be a reckoning first, and Aizawa and Ide will have to die because Matsuda's just proved he's no more loyal than they are –

And if Ide can be killed just for not being happy enough about Matsuda turning out to be helping Kira, then what the hell is Raito going to do to someone who's pulled a gun on him?

It's over, I wrecked everything, so stupid, so stupid, what do I do, what the hell do I do...

"Matsuda," Raito says again. "Put down the gun."

"I. I can't." His hands are still shaking. "Soon as... as soon as... you'll kill them and..."

His mind is trying to add and you'll kill me.

"Why are you trying to throw your life away for them?" Raito says. "What have either of them done for you? You don't have to protect them. No one will mind." His gaze fixed on Matsuda. "You're Kira's Eyes. You help judge the wicked. You don't have to make an exception for them."

You're Kira's Eyes. You're mine. No matter what you do.

He was going to write my name down...

Misa-Misa died and Raito didn't let it touch him –

He told me he needed me...

And all that time. All that time Matsuda's been going along acting so sure of himself, so proud that someone like Raito loves him, and everyone else could see the truth – Ide and Aizawa and Mello and perhaps even Mogi, they could all see what was really happening and Matsuda shot them all down –

All that time, all those names, Raito told him everything would be all right, Raito said it was the two of them together, and Matsuda never questioned it, never once considered – and Raito can shout at him and punch him and threaten him and know Matsuda will take it all because Matsuda is just that much of a fool –

Raito is reaching out. Placing his hand over Matsuda's. Whispering, It's all right. It's all right. Thumb against Matsuda's palm. About to slide the gun out of his hands. About to let everything carry on the way it was before and Matsuda will just let him because what can he do, he was outclassed from the start –

And he just wants to see Raito as shocked as him, he just wants to see everything fall apart for Raito as much as it just has for him, and how dare Raito do this to him –

You deserve this

The gun jolts in his hand and he's thinking, Good –

Raito jerks backwards, hands flying off his.

There's blood all over the screens.

Not much else. Silence. Lots of silence, his ears ringing. He's waiting for. He's waiting to find out he's screwed up again and Raito will get up and say, Matsuda, calm down and everything will fall back into place.

He's waiting and waiting and –

"Raito?" he's saying.

"Raito, I didn't..."

Someone is laughing.

No. Something. Ryuk, silhouetted against the screens and the blood, laughing and saying, "You humans are amazing. Just when I think I've got it all worked out you go and do something completely different."

The sight of Ryuk should prove this is definitely a dream but that stopped working years ago.

Matsuda's teeth are chattering. Which makes no sense because it's not cold in here. Ryuk is still chuckling and says something like, "I thought you were in love with him?" and Matsuda's thoughts echo back Yeah, I thought I was too and then –

What have I –

What did he –

"Get out," he is hissing. He can barely get enough air to speak. "Get out, get out..." Ryuk just snorts with more laughter and Matsuda thinks he'll never go, he'll just keep following and laughing and he knew all along and he's grabbed the notebook from the desk and is throwing it at Ryuk, "Take it, take it away and get out, just leave us alone –"

"Geez, okay." Ryuk doesn't sound too bothered. He caught the notebook. Now he closes it. "He's dead, anyway, so I guess the show's over. What about yours?"

There's still a notebook in the safe.

Mine…

"'Cause," Ryuk's saying, "you can give it up if you want, but maybe you want to hang on to it? You might need it, they're gonna be really mad if they think you shot Kira –"

There are footsteps outside. They'll see –

He can't let them see any of it – he stumbles over to the safe, grabs the other notebook, but – he can't just drop the gun and there's no way he can hide Raito – he doesn't know what to do –

The door is flung open and he's out of time but it's Ide, already halfway across the room, dead white, "Matsuda, are you all right, did –" and then staring from the gun still in Matsuda's hand to the blood to – to –

Matsuda can't just stay silent, and so he swallows and starts to say, "He was going to," but the words won't come out. Whatever they would've been.

A door slams below them. Voices calling.

Ide curses and then: "Give me your gun," he's saying, wrenching it out of Matsuda's grip with his hand wrapped in a fold of shirt. Holding it by the barrel, drops it into Raito's palm. Clutching Raito's hand. Clutching the fingers round the gun. Matsuda watches, finds his mouth twitching. He doesn't know exactly what's funny.

More footsteps. Ide turns back to him, grabs him by the shoulders.

"Matsuda, listen. Listen to me. He asked you for your gun and he shot himself with it."

Ryuk is laughing and Matsuda wants to laugh too, it's such a ridiculous idea –

"Matsuda!" Ide snaps, and actually shakes him a little. That jolts some words free. "No," he begins, and he's going to explain, he was going to kill you, and I wanted him not to, and he wouldn't listen, and…

And so I…

Ide talks over him, though: "Yes. If they think you did this, I'll be dead too. Do you get it? If you say you did it, you will get me killed. He asked for your gun and shot himself with it. Matsuda, say it."

Matsuda hears himself echoing back, "He… asked for my gun and… shot himself with it…" He sounds far away. He sounds shaky and scared. He's someone else that he is only listening to. Ide scowls at him like he doesn't trust him not to screw up. Matsuda wants to say, It's okay, I've got it, he asked for my gun and shot himself with it, see, I remember but Ide is already speaking again, voice rough and fierce like none of the last several weeks have happened. "Hide that notebook. Put it under your shirt or something." He stares round the room, hands trembling. Footsteps getting closer. Dives across to slam the safe door shut. "Oh, hell… do other people look at the camera feeds? Or just him?"

Matsuda can't remember, but before he can admit this, the room is full of people. Someone swears and someone else is yelling and then the next moment two of the men have grabbed Ide, twisting his arms behind his back, and they're shouting at him What the hell did you do –

Matsuda manages to stutter out, "No, it wasn't... Ide wasn't there." Everyone looking at him and now he's not sure he can do this but Ide is staring at him, desperate, and Matsuda can't screw this up too and he focuses on the line burnt across his mind's eye and then he is saying it, "I was talking to Raito, and then he... he asked for my gun and... he just..."

Words all around him. Why were you even armed, and he manages to explain, He told me to, he said after Mello…

You two, he always cut you too much slack –

Well, hang on a minute, someone else is saying. Yagami's the one with the weapon in his hand –

Oh come on, he just killed himself?

Yeah, he's… he always acted like he was well in with Kira…

Hang on, you think…

We should call the police.

They're letting go of Ide, or, at least, they're letting him straighten up, and someone's guiding him away like he doesn't know the location rather than that he's being arrested. He glances back at Matsuda for a moment and it's like he's yelled across the room Just don't get me killed. Just don't get me killed. Then the door closes behind him. Matsuda wishes they'd let him stay, even if he wasn't allowed to talk. People are looking. He can feel them. And he can't stop shaking. They're going to want him to say all the right things and, and he doesn't think that he can…

Matsuda, someone is saying to him, annoyed, like they've been trying to get his attention. Matsuda, listen but then he doesn't hear what they say. It tastes like blood in his mouth. Blood on the screens, so sudden, like the world burst into flower with it.

Okay, look, he's clearly in shock.

Yeah, I wonder why –

Hey. If Yagami did just off himself right in front of his eyes, of course he's in shock –

Well, just make sure he can't happen to wander off before the cops get here.

Don't be silly. If he did... if he's lying, Kira will sort things out.

White.

White walls.

There was blood all over the screens and when he closes his eyes it's still there but when he opens them there's just white.

I'm sorry about this, someone is saying to him. You understand it doesn't mean that you've necessarily done anything wrong. But we have to be cautious. We have to be seen to be taking the necessary steps. I think, personally, that if you're alive after tonight then that'll be enough... just stay here and get some sleep, okay?

He's standing in the cell and the other man is walking away, giving a reassuring glance as he does, name and lifespan hanging above his head like blood spatters in the air.

Matsuda had thought he wanted to be left alone but all at once he nearly starts yelling Please don't leave me, like something in the cell will come and find him as soon as he's on his own. He doesn't actually think this is what will happen but everything is… everything is waiting.

But the door is locked and there's nothing but silence again. For a few moments, the silence actually helps. Nothing happened. Nothing's going to happen. If you can't see it, it isn't real.

(He's holding the pen in his hand but his fingers are so sweaty he thinks he'll lose his grip on it if he actually tries to write anything. The notebook open in front of him. Blank page. Writing a story. It's dumb to get this freaked out about just writing some stuff down. It's just names on a page. It's just…

"I'm…"

He doesn't know what he was going to say but hearing his own voice, slightly unsteady, brings him back to himself, and he's starting to panic, what the hell does someone like him think they're doing getting involved with all of this?

"Scared?" Raito says, gently, and leans over his shoulder so that they're both watching the notebook. Soft breath on Matsuda's neck.

"I know, it's stupid, but…" What if people find out it's me? he wants to say, like he's a kid. What if I write down the wrong name? What if – and you can't take it back, it'd be so easy to screw up – And under that his heart pounding and a voice going on and on in the back of his mind, you're a police officer, you can't kill people, you can't kill someone just like that, you'll get caught, you'll be in so much trouble, you promised you'd stop Kira, you promised you'd do the right thing –

Raito puts a hand over his, squeezes his fingers.

"It's all right. I was scared as well, you know. When I first started I barely slept for a week. Doing important things always feels frightening. But it's all right, Matsuda. I promise."

Matsuda is looking round at him and whispering "Promise?" and Raito is whispering back, "I promise. We're going to make everything right, we're going to make people so happy… you've seen it already and now you can help… heroes get scared too, you know, Matsuda…" And Matsuda is laughing and saying, "Yeah, but I can't believe you do," his voice all shaky, and Raito is kissing his throat and murmuring, "Trust me, I've been scared. That's why I'm… I'm glad you found out… I wanted to tell you, I wanted you to be part of it… I knew I could trust you, I knew you'd never let me down…" and then he whispers, "It's fine once you get used to it. You can do this, Matsuda, I know you can…"

And Matsuda is marking the page with one line, two, one character, another, and it feels like nothing, and perhaps everyone is wrong, perhaps this isn't what kills people at all, and Raito whispers, "Thank you… I'm so glad you're here…" and he sounds young and scared and like really he's no braver than Matsuda himself is. Matsuda writes one name, and another, and another, feeling like he's watching someone else's hand holding the pen, and Raito is kissing his jaw, his throat, and between kisses is telling him what some of these people have done, how many innocents they've killed or tortured or cheated, and Matsuda is thinking someone like that would think of him as nothing more than a victim, or an idiot, or an easily fooled, helpless cop, and he's just – he's just – and they'll never have seen it coming –

Raito is warm against him and it's distracting him from the writing, or maybe it's accentuating it, maybe some of the heat and the blood pumping through him is because of what he's doing. He writes the last name and then he is turning to kiss Raito, greedy, half-sitting on the desk, and Raito gasping I love you – I love you so much –)

Someone who can make you feel like that, someone who change everything like that, can't be dead. Matsuda's closing his eyes and he's seeing Raito's empty, blank face – blood trickling down between the eyebrows, along the nose, and Raito not even noticing it, not even blinking, and, but, it, that memory is one thing and Raito is dead is quite another.

He asked for my gun and shot himself with it, he mouths, to check he still knows the words. It takes him a while to be sure he's got them right but that's okay because no one is coming to talk to him. After a bit he stops. It feels like a hand's clutching his throat from the inside.

Get some sleep, the man said, but Matsuda isn't going to close his eyes. The blank face is back. It makes his own skin itch, and he's putting a hand up to rub away blood that isn't there.

Raito's fingers on his –

I can't, he's saying now, over and over, I can't, I can't, and his voice is getting louder and more shaky, he feels like a landslide, he's going to start punching the walls or tearing his hair out or just screaming –

The sound bounces off the walls and back into his face and it, it's not his voice suddenly, it's Ide's, Ide in a cell just like this one shouting at him you have to get me out, please – please – and Matsuda is shuddering, hugging himself as if he's the one who's about to get beaten up.

Someone else inside his head is thinking, I hope they don't shut Ide up down here like they've done with me, and, I hope he's okay, and to him these thoughts are just words but it's like they're written on the walls in front of him. I hope he's okay.

If they think you did this, I'll be dead too, Ide said.

Matsuda can feel the notebook against his stomach now but as soon as he thinks of it he wants to be sick. He's staggering over to the bed – a bare mattress, a blanket, a pillow spotted with marks – and he's sitting down, hugging the blanket to himself, something to hold on to. Hold on. I hope he's okay.

Asked for my gun...

Clutching the blanket to his chest. Rubbing at his forehead every so often when the blood itches his skin. Waiting.