I'm not gonna say much to this. But this is crucial. It's the beginning of the healing. Because some things had been left unsaid so far.

10. Three minutes

It was harder than she'd expected. Moisture collected and burnt in Sofia's eyes as she watched a surprisingly complacent Eli struggle with the cutlery. Obviously fighting a bad nausea. Swallowing hard to keep the food down. Reaching for the beer glass with a shaky, battered hand. Chewing endlessly on each fork full. Wincing with every movement of her hand. Overall constantly trembled in her chair.

Again the only thought that sprang to Sofia's mind was 'broken'. Eli was broken, in more ways than one. It was like her earlier rage fit had never taken place at all, Eli's complacency resembled that of a hushed puppy, afraid of the rolled up newspaper lying next to its owner's hands, her posture shameful and her eyes apologetic.

She blinked a couple of times to prevent the tears from falling. She knew and had accepted that this was going to be hard. On herself maybe almost as much as on Eli. She knew she would have to do things she usually wouldn't do. She hated watching Eli hurt herself physically just as much as she hated the pain Eli must be feeling inside. Constantly, with no avail, no pause, not a moment to rest for a minute and take a deep breath.

As a person, Sofia wasn't hard. Much like her cop personality, now holding the rank of Lieutenant, the private woman Sofia Curtis was just as headstrong and opinionated with a strong sense of justice, but also much more forgiving, gentler, caring, and way more emotional than she'd ever let show at work. She didn't like bossing people around if it didn't appear necessary. She knew she didn't exude the immediate warmth some people just owned, she knew she was mainly taken serious because of what she'd achieved, she'd earned her respect by being hard, but fair, clinging tightly to the rules, but not without leaving space for individuality and personal matters, she was liked because she could be quirky and had her very own approach to go about certain things.

In private, though... Few people had ever caught a completely real and genuine glimpse of her over the past years. She used to have such a wild streak, such an affectionate relationship to those who were dear to her, such a diverse circle of friends, she used to possess such openness and used to be game for almost everything. Had it been the job, certain cases and incidents that changed her? Robbed her of her carelessness, turned her serious. Was it the age she was approaching fast? She'd grown more finely tuned, more subtle, less head first through the wall. Had that also made her colder? The expectations, the responsibilities, the fact that at one point she hadn't managed anymore to get her private and professional life to balance each other out? Or had she just grown ignorant of more personal requirements? Had she set the wrong priorities lately. Lately as in the past five years?

She looked up from the pasta that had long grown cold on her plate. Friends. Freedom, joy, happiness, carelessness, living, laughing. Would it ever be that way again? Would the weight that had settled ever become lighter? This was who she really was, she'd do anything for the people she loved. She'd pleased her family, even her mother was finally displaying her pride in her only daughter, did finally let her live life the way she wanted to, without intervention or sending her off into guilt-trips. Happy or not, Sofia was content with the fundamentals of her life. And now she'd help Eli get there again, too. She wouldn't crack, wouldn't budge, she just cared too much.

Once again she fought the impulse just to hug Eli, but she knew it wouldn't d any good. Eli was strong. Her convictions were, once in place, nearly impossible to overcome. And she had convinced herself that the way she'd chosen the past six months was the only to survive her loss. Even if she began to understand, it would take a lot to make her jump completely off that wagon and try a different approach.

At least she was starting to allow herself to feel again. It was a step forward, though it had proved to be so explosive today. Even if it was anger, doubt, the suppressed pain, those were all feelings Eli had denied herself for too long.

Eli hadn't looked up once since she'd sat down. But when she finally did, after her plate was cleaned of her portion, the pain that burned in the liquid, watery brown was overwhelming.

Their eyes met across the table, Eli frowned at the vacant, far-away stare in Sofia's, concern in her still subdued browns, but to Sofia it was another sign of progress. She focused on Eli and her glance held an unspoken question and Eli responded to the incentive.

"Sofia, can I please get up now? I need a shower, change my clothes and I need to take care of my hand and my legs and I'm afraid I will need to be close to the toilet soon. I'm-" She paused and the motions running over Eli's face broke through Sofia's already strained hold on herself. "Thank you." Eli ended with a look between admiration and pure wonder. "You didn't have to do this. It was my mess to clean up. I gotta-"

And Eli jumped up and stormed off towards the bathroom, her stomach revolting mercilessly.

Sofia waited until she heard the flush, then she sat through Eli's shower and just got up and approached the master bath when she heard the rustling of towels. She pulled herself together and dismissed her inner ramblings, knocking softly on the oak door.

"Are you decent? Then open up and let me take a look at your injuries. I already know your one-handed try will end with me doing it all over again anyway."

The door swung open without a comment from Eli and revealed the slender figure clad in a tank top and boxer shorts sitting on the closed toilet seat , shins reddened, hand cleaned of blood but significantly swollen. Eli pointed silently at a small cupboard and Sofia opened it to find pills, balms, bandages and everything else that was needed. She tended to Eli's legs first, squatting sown in front of her, applying the cooling gel to the abused areas. Then she took Eli's right hand in hers, examining every digit thoroughly, asking Eli to bend and flex finger after finger if possible before disinfecting the splits and scratches and bandaging the hand loosely, afraid it would keep swelling.

"I think you need to get that x-rayed. You may have only damaged a capsule, that'd cause a lot of swelling, too, maybe it's really only bruises, but I'd like to make sure nothing is broken."

The tenderness with which Sofia treated her now was so foreign to Eli after her friends earlier harsh words that she could do nothing but stare at her friend, open-mouthed and let go of her tears.

"I'm sorry." She husked out, looking Sofia straight into the eyes, making no attempt to hide her open crying nor the visible sincerity of her apology.

Shushing Eli rather quickly and wrenching her own emotions out of the way, Sofia leaned down to deliver a soft kiss to Eli's forehead, hoping she wouldn't flinch away. She didn't, but she started trembling more violently.

"Don't go, okay? I- I can't promise something like this won't happen again, but it wasn't directed at you, please, Sofia, believe me. Just don't leave. I might really need you here with me, though I seem to not have found the best way to express that today." Desperation and fear evident in her raspy voice, Eli pleaded.

Sofia tried to run a soothing hand up Eli's arm, but the brunette shied away from the touch.

"Not- yet. Not yet." Eli breathed. Comfort, she hadn't deserved today. And in her state, being touched was still hard to tolerate. Sofia instantly retracted, but her eyes displayed what her hands weren't allowed to.

"It's okay. I'll keep it in mind, okay? Tell me when I can, because I think I really need to hug you at some point today. I told you, I'm not going anywhere. I'm not leaving you alone until I have to go back to work. Now, get into some clothes and I'll drive us over to the emergency room."

It was way past midnight as they returned, with good news, from the hospital. Eli had popped two capsules and it would take some time for that to heal, but at least nothing was broken.

With a deep sigh Sofia went for the fridge and returned with two beers.

"No. 6." She just mumbled as she opened and handed Eli one of the bottles.

"Oh, erm, thanks?"

There had never been such a grade of unease between the two.

"Chill. I need a beer right now and I can't have you leer at it the whole time. Though I'd rather see you eat something, really. I know you're substituting, but you can't live off pills forever, Eli. This is one problem we'll have to solve rather soon. I guess what we tried today wasn't the best of ideas, pasta with a cream sauce."

Sofia nursed her beer indulgently, savouring the taste. What a day. And still so many thoughts swirled around in her mind, she knew she wouldn't find rest anytime soon.

She frowned and her thoughts returned to what she'd last said.

"I think it'd be best if we treated this like you had a stomach flu or even food poisoning. Start out slow. Bread, potatoes, mashed vegetables, bananas and stuff. Porridge. I dunno, all that crap my mom used to make me when I was sick. Chicken broth. I saw Mexican food in the fridge, did you actually order out? And by all means, Mexican?"

Eli scrunched up her face at the thought of the baby food Sofia was suggesting, but she knew that might be the only solution. She was really starting to look gaunt and if she was being honest to herself, she didn't like it. At all. It didn't suit her, it simply seemed to reflect her mental state. But not her general personality. She used to be so strong and she'd always had a body that had represented and underlined that trait in its physicality.

"You know that my mom does live in Frisco, at least for most of the year, I think we talked about that."

Sofia nodded when she remembered, a faint smile on her lips. She liked the direction their conversation took.

"Alberta, you told me about her, your mother's Mexican cook."

"Yeah, right. My mom and her, they sent me a basket filled with food once a week ever since I told her I was back in Frisco. I try to eat it. I freeze the leftovers. I just can't get myself to ignore it or even throw it away. I forbid her to come see me. There's always a note, she sends her love every week and I know Alberta loves me like I was her own. I know they worry. I love my mom but I just couldn't stand the look in her eyes. Not yet. Like so many other things."

Eli stretched on the couch, but winced instantly, curled herself up and reached for the light blanket that was folded over the armrest.

"I don't feel so good, Fia. I'm cold and I can't stop shivering."

She tried to lift the beer up from the coffee table with her good hand, but it was shaking too hard.

Sofia's brows narrowed as she took in Eli's grey complexion and tremble, worry instantly replacing all other thoughts.

"It's not gonna be enough. I haven't slept in almost 40 hours. The night before the club was already a short one. My limbs feel like my bones are made of lead, but I feel restless. I can barely move but inwardly I- I can't describe it, I don't know, I feel like I vibrate."

Sofia eyed her friend over at the couch from her place in the soft leather recliner and leaned forward. There had to be something she could do.

"Eli, do you think I could touch you now?"

Eli blinked and snorted.

"I guess that won't be a problem right now. I'm not angry anymore. I can't even relate to the situation from earlier at the moment. I just feel sick."

Slowly Sofia got out of the chair and sat carefully down at Eli's side, on the very edge of the couch and covered Eli's hand above the blanket. Too close? But Eli's cold hand didn't twitch.

"Did you do more drugs than usual this week? During the last couple of days?"

"Yeah, definitely."

"What do you crave most right now?"

"Alcohol. All I want is to have a couple of shots, feel the warmth spread in my guts and go to bed and sleep."

"What can I do?"

"Nothing. Unless you wanna go down to the store and get me a bottle of Whiskey, which you won't. I said I'd do this and I will. Your hands are warm. You feel so warm."

"I'm gonna run you a bath, okay? I got something for the nausea from the hospital pharmacy while you were up in radiology. And a herbal tea that's supposed to ease the stomach. Just sit tight. Will you need a bucket?"

"I don't know. Maybe? God I hate this." Eli groaned and gripped the hand in hers tightly. Connection established.

Sofia squeezed back.

"I know." She answered with sadness in her tone. Does she still trust me?

"You know what? We'll delay the bath for a moment, I have a different idea. Scoot forward a bit."

"What are you up to, Fia? You can't be- I don't think I want to- I can't-"

But Sofia had already settled herself into the couch behind Eli, her willed boldness overruling her concerns, her legs at either side of the other woman's so frail looking body and pulled Eli back so she was lying half on top of her. She tugged at the blanket and covered them up to their necks.

"Stop thinking. Or pretend I'm a heating blanket if you're uncomfortable with the closeness. Just try to relax. It's just me. I told you, I got you."

Sofia's voice was calm and Eli felt her body heat creep into her skin, into the tissue, into her bones. She tried to ignore that it was a body that provided her with such unusual comfort, dismissed her need for distance, tried to ignore the second heartbeat that thumped behind her, tried to block out the way Sofia smelled, the way her breath hit the side of her neck.

Instead she tried to remember relaxation techniques she had taught herself long ago. Starting with her toes, she tensed each muscle for a moment, then relaxed, tense, relax, tense, relax until she'd worked through everything up to her facial muscles.

Sofia felt what Eli was doing, she felt how Eli started drifting away mentally and was more than surprised that Eli actually managed this routine under the present circumstances. The whole process took Eli about twenty minutes and by the time her body had gone more or less slack and the shaking and trembling had minimised to a slight shiver, parts of Sofia's body had started to fall asleep, mainly her butt and her legs. But she didn't dare to move. At all.

"I'm gonna fall asleep on you." Eli mumbled faintly and Sofia rung with a smile.

"Wouldn't be the first time." She whispered, more to herself than to Eli. Just fall asleep, she thought. Feel free to feel safe enough. Please.

Sofia didn't feel her toes anymore. She was sure she was only minutes away from a severe cramp in her calves and her back hurt like hell. But Eli was snoring softly in her arms, now radiating a reasonable amount of heat herself and she felt caught between a rock and a hard place. She had tried to distract herself by making a mental inventory of everything of Eli's living room and kitchen area that was in her line of sight. She'd catalogued the noises and movements outside, had noticed that when there were no cars driving down the street, she could even hear the ocean. She imagined waves rolling up to the shore in a never-ending, ancient rhythm, imagined lying in the sun on an empty beach, her hands buried in the fine sand. She'd never 'lived' this close to the ocean. She wondered what it would be like, just driving down to the beach, wade into the water, swim a bit and then sunbathe on a beautiful summer day. It was still a bit chilly, but the sun was already strong when there were no clouds in the way and soon the season would really begin. But such carefree moments seemed light-years away-

San Francisco was so very different from Vegas. Everything here was different from Vegas, but different had never felt so good. She wouldn't regret not going back. It just wasn't the same anymore.

She had just started to snooze off herself as Eli suddenly started twitching, then kicked the blanket off like she was struggling with it. It all happened so quickly and before she was even fully awake again and could react, Eli's thrashing arm hit her in the face, a heel dug into her shin and as Eli fell back she rested her full weight on Sofia, who felt the air escape from her lungs.

"Ooof, Eli!" She fought for the next breath to form words. "Honey, you're having a nightmare, wake up now, shhhh, come on, you're safe, I got you, come on, wake up, it's okay."

In one fluid motion Eli jumped off the couch, eyes wide open but not really seeing, and her bandaged hand reaching for her hip, the instinct and movement so deeply ingrained, and almost panicking more as she didn't feel the once familiar holster where it used to be.

Sofia groaned and rubbed her shin with one hand while the other carefully felt her face. Eli's elbow had hit her cheekbone, but not hard enough to cause any damage apart from maybe a small hematoma.

"Waves?"

Oh no...

"No, Eli, it's me, Sofia. Calm down, you've been having a nightmare. There's no danger and there's no one here but us."

Eli blinked repeatedly but still seemed off.

"She was right here... Right in front of me and I reached out, but I couldn't get to her. Something invisible held me back and she smiled and laughed that adorable, throaty laugh and I fought to get loose but I couldn't and then there were shots and she drifted away and all of a sudden I was free and I tried to get to her, tried to... But she was gone and there was nothing I could do. I couldn't safe her, I wasn't there when she would have needed me. I should have been there, I should have answered the call, I shouldn't have clocked out that day, I would've been able to-"

Sofia jumped off the couch and waved her hand in front of Eli's face.

"Eli! Stop it. Snap out of it, it was just a dream. A dream!"

Eli swiveled around and glared at Sofia with renewed anger and a dangerous glint in her eyes that made Sofia fall back into the cushions as she felt pinned by the stare. An expression so desperate and lost, so full of self-hatred and disgust.

"That day I wasn't there. I wasn't there. I failed her. I did. I did, Sofia."

Despite her repulsion and the prickling in her legs Sofia rushed up and gripped Eli by the arms, a silent warning in her eyes for Eli to just shut the fuck up and let her talk. She'd only do this once. Just once.

Eli got the message loud and clear, felt Sofia's fingers dig into her upper arms, saw the tension building in her friends stance and the tears she'd shed well up again. She fell silent without another thought.

"Let me tell you something about that day, Eli. You never asked, I don't know why, but I think it's time you have to know some things. If you want someone to put the blame on, then put it on me. It was my call, it was my crime scene. You had worked into so much overtime that Brass ordered you home in the afternoon. You were through. Through! And it was the right decision. So don't blame yourself for not being there. You had just cracked the Garrish-case wide open and you deserved to get some rest. It was my scene. I ordered Officers Kendricks and Jameson to clear the house. I didn't go with them because I was calling for back-up, it was a gritty neighbourhood and there were too many locals around, we needed more men, we needed a perimeter, we needed safety, we were in gang-territory. Brass and the other units arrived at the same time Grissom and Sara did. I trusted my officers that they had checked every goddamn corner and closet in that house. I trusted my men. I didn't know about Kendricks' wife, I didn't know how thorough they were because I trusted that they knew how to do their freakin' jobs. They came out, confirmed that there was a body in the basement and the house was clear and I sent CSI in. I sent them in. People shouted all around us, they shoved the other officers while they tried to get people further away from the house, it was chaos and I tried to organise it. It was just when the first shots were fired that we knew something had gone terribly wrong. According to Grissom, Sara was the first to take a hit. Gil said he tried to push her away, but it happened too quickly. Both officers started to fire back, but that guy had an automatic. Everyone including me hastened inside, firing at that freak. They recovered 17 rounds from his body. 5 of them from my service weapon. Grissom was lucky he'd went down to the floor with Sara the moment the officers had started shooting back, if they had been in opposite places, maybe he wouldn't have survived, too. He took one to the arm and hit his head so hard at a small table he was still unconscious when the paramedics arrived. He tried to save her. But it was me who's responsible, if anyone is at all. I trusted my guys, I was distracted because the scene was so messy, I didn't see how out of it Kendricks was. I'm glad you weren't there. I will never forget those three minutes it took for the EMTs to arrive. I'll never forget. Never, Eli."

Eli stared at Sofia, her expression blank.

It was true, she had never bothered to ask. She had known that there had been an evaluation of the events and that IA had decided it had been due to the officers' negligence while clearing the scene that the perp hadn't been discovered and had been able to take them out. No charges were being pressed since both of the officers in question had died.

She scrutinised Sofia, how dull her eyes had become, how she seemed to relive those moments and she wondered what had really taken place during those minutes. Had she tended to Sara? Had Sara been able to say anything? Had she already been unconscious?

Why had she never asked? Why hadn'T she ever taken a damn second to think about what the others had gone through that day? She'd always assumed it had been Brass at the scene. All she had wanted was to get away. Away from it all. Away from that dead, cold body in the morgue, away from her own pain. But you could never outrun death.

"Tell me, Sofia. Just tell me, I wanna know."

The blonde let her arms fall to her sides and walked back to the couch, sinking into the cushions, her stare vacant.

"Are you really sure you want to know?"

Eli kneeled down in front of Sofia and reached for her hands.

"Yes. I want to know. Don't soft-pedal it. Just tell me everything."

It was hard, harder than trying to forget, harder than coming to San Francisco, but Sofia tried to hold Eli's glance as she slowly started to recount the events.

"Grissom was lying on top of her. I checked for vitals and then I carefully rolled him off of Sara, he seemed stable. The amount of blood-" Sofia hesitated and searched for Eli's eyes, a grim expression greeted her, but also urged her to just go on. "I was practically kneeling in a puddle of blood. Sara's blood. She was losing so much so quickly. I didn't know where to put my hands first. All I could see were wounds and blood. She was awake and there was a pulse, but next thing Sara was spluttering up even more blood. I'll never forget her eyes. Panicking, searching the room and with one hand she was still clutching her goddamn weapon. I bent over so she could see me and she calmed down. There was something like 'Sof...' and I remember I touched her cheek and told her everything was gonna be fine. But she knew, Eli, she knew it wasn't. She could barely breathe and I just held her hand, stroked her face and she looked at me, despite jerking every few seconds, with such softness, such acquiescence. She coughed up more blood and tried to speak, but I couldn't make anything out, just her rattling breath and the gurgling of the blood in her airways. There was so much in her eyes, she couldn't speak but it was all there in her eyes. So much love, so much warmth. And then the paramedics arrived and I had to let go of her and she looked almost apologetically at me until the line of sight was blocked. She lost consciousness in the ambulance and her heart stopped twice before they even reached the hospital. They managed to shock her back, they pumped blood into her in the ER and she made it to the ER, but it was just too much. Too much damage, too much blood loss, too many vital organs had been affected."

She fell forwards and into Eli's arms.

"I'm so sorry! I didn't know, I thought everything was clear. I'm sorry I didn't check myself. I couldn't even help her. I- She seemed so aware, so fearless after the initial panic, so accepting of what was happening. She knew she'd die. She knew and she wasn't afraid. She didn't look afraid. I wish I could've understood what she'd tried to tell me. I wish I had something more substantial to tell you."

Eli felt oddly calm. She held Sofia's hands, held her friends trembling body in arms that suddenly felt stronger, tears that rolled off her cheeks fell onto them. For a moment, she didn't feel the weight. For a second, she smiled.

"That was my woman." She breathed, and Sofia's head whipped up, confusion about Eli's pained smile written all over her face.

"How you describe her is all I need to know, it's just as good as words. She wanted you to tell me that. And that I would know what to make of it. Sara was never afraid to die, she was afraid of how she'd die. And she was strong. And fearless, most of the time. She always fought, if there was the tiniest chance to win, she'd fight. She must have felt it right away. She did know. She wanted you to keep that memory of her and to tell me. Not cramped up and in pain, begging in vain for her life, freaking out. That just wasn't her. She's always been a fighter and she's always had an abundance of love inside her. "

Eli squeezed the blonde's hands hard.

"It is not your fault, Sofia. I would have done exactly the same. Let them clear the scene, establish order, secure a perimeter, keep the public away, get the CSIs inside. You couldn't have known, and you had no reason to doubt your men. You did all you could. You're not the one to blame. don' blame you. I blame the shooter and I blame Kendricks. He should've said something. He shouldn't have been there doing his job less than half-heartedly with his head already in the hospital with his wife and unborn kid. Thank you for being there, during those moments. I know you made her feel safe. She would've hated if I'd been there to witness that. Though I wish I had been. Maybe it would have helped me. Maybe I shouldn't have run away. I guess that's one thing I'm never going to forgive myself. I never got to see her again. I didn't dare to. People look different when they're dead. Not only lifeless, but also- soulless. Stripped of everything that made them the person they were. But that way I never got to say good-bye. I just ran away, like I always do when I think I have no solution for a situation, I have no means winning, I have no idea how to handle it. When I get scared, I run. I don't wanna run anymore."

Eli stood up and let go of Sofia's hands, who glanced anxiously at her best friend, this tortured, insecure, frightened, mangled woman.

This marvelous person, this incredible human being, who thought so lowly of herself.

Reducing herself to a shadow of who she could be, who she really was.

"Thank you for telling me. I think it's time for that hug you mentioned earlier. Tell me what you told Sara. Because it was the truth. It is."

Sofia, shorter, smaller, more petite than Eli, straightened up and seemed to grow. She enveloped Eli in her arms, not too tight, not too restricting, just a gentle embrace.

"Everything is gonna be fine, Eli. It's gonna be fine. You don't wanna run anymore? Then don't. I'll be right here when you feel ready to fight. No more running."

Eli tried to imagine the look on Sara's face Sofia had described to her. Tried to remember her love.

"No more running. Not anymore." She whispered, a mantra, a resolution. A promise.