Author's Note - Ok this chapter was actually kind of inspired by a song I heard last night lol. Try listening to Hello goodbye's "Here In Your Arms" while reading this. Hope you enjoy!

Chapter Ten - Soul Searching

It was not at all what she had expected, this Living World. The more she thought about it, the more she brooded over the irony that, here in this world, she had never felt more dead inside. What made it worse was the fact that she still could not put her finger on what was making her feel like this. So far the days had passed with a maddening monotony. Her Mission; To protect a small rural town from a recent elevated level of Hollow activity and, at the end of her three month tenure in the Living World to report back to the Seireitei with all of her findings regarding the state of that activity. To date, it had been all too easy. She had dispatched several lower level Hollows, creatures she had been able to defeat easily without having to call upon her Zanpakuto's abilities.

To be honest, and she felt very guilty about wishing this, Kaori pleaded almost daily for some new Hollow to come and challenge her. The hunger for battle seemed to push upon her more and more with each passing day. Within each fight she found a relief, as though the floodgates of her tumultuous emotions were finally able to find release as her blade rained down blow after blow against her enemies. She cringed as she inwardly wondered if they had not made a mistake in placing her in Squad Ten, maybe she would have been better suited for the battle hungry Squad Eleven. That thought too made her feel guilty, Kaori could physically feel her insides twisting as she banished the thought from her mind. No… they didn't make a mistake. She bowed her head. I would never wish for any other Taichou than my own.

Kaori drew in a deep breath then, settling her mind as she attempted to picture her Taichou in her mind. It had only been three weeks so far and his face was still fresh in her mind's eye. She could see him, standing before her, his youthful face stoic with a steely determination, the turquoise depths of his eyes betraying emotions that almost never found their way to his facial expressions. The way his unruly head of snowy-white spiked hair danced whenever a breeze would float by. A smile touched her lips then as she felt her heart swelling with admiration yet, in that same instant, pain like a knife blade slashed through her heart. She uttered a soft cry as she buried her head in her hands. How could a simple memory bring her such pleasure and pain all in the same instant. She did not understand it and a part of her wanted to drive this feeling away. As ecstatic as these emotions made her feel, she had to wonder if the joy was worth the agony that they caused as well.

Kaori…. At her side, Toshi, her Zanpakuto, called to her softly. Why are so despairing? Her blade questioned in concern.

She shook her head, face still covered by her hands. "I don't know Toshi.." She spoke aloud, she was in spirit form, and did not care at that moment who might hear her. "I've gained everything that I have gone after so far in my life as a Shinigami. I've worked hard to gain my skills, I have a Taichou that has done everything in his power to help me grow stronger. I am on my first mission to the Living World. I should be happy to be here, they trust me to take this responsibility on my own…" Her voice trailed off and she slowly raised her head, her eyes staring off into the distance as a realization struck home. "On my own…"

You feel lonely? Toshi questioned, No… The blade at her side vibrated slightly as Toshi chuckled, a deep rich sound that resonated deep within her soul. You miss your Taichou…

Kaori glanced down then, staring at her Zanpakuto, a blush slowly creeping its way across her face. "Is that it then?" She wondered silently, the question both rhetorical and aimed at Toshi. "Does my heart ache so because I am without Hitsugaya-Taichou? Does his presence mean so much to me?"

If Toshi could have laughed aloud, he would have. The Zanpakuto nearly rattled in its sheath as the chuckle became a full throated laugh. "Hey!" Kaori exclaimed in annoyance. "What's so funny?"

You love him. Toshi stated as his laughter subsided. You love your Taichou.

"Nani!?" Kaori nearly screamed the word as she shot to her feet. "N-No! I mean, I can't. I couldn't! He's my Taichou. I couldn't possibly…" Her voice trailed off as she refused to say the words.

Say it. Toshi spoke softly. You know you want to, why deny it?

"But to….. love…my Taichou…it's, crazy…" She sank to her knees on the rooftop as she realized Toshi was right. She did love Hitsugaya Toushiro. She had loved him from the first moment that her eyes at met his, what seemed so long ago when she was still merely a Shinigami Recruit. She had been denying it because it was just so… "Impossible." Kaori whispered sadly.

At this Toshi laughed again. Nothing is impossible Kaori. You should know that by now. Your Taichou has proven that. Before he came to the Seireitei, who would have ever thought that one so young could become a Taichou among the Gotei 13? Her Zanpakuto warmed against her hip. No Kaori, nothing is impossible. Some things are just, harder to attain. And if he feels the same…

Now it was Kaori's turn to laugh. "Hitsugaya-Taichou? Feel the same way about me?" She laughed again, somewhat bitterly now. "My Taichou is known throughout all of the Seireitei for being made as much from ice as his Hyorinmaru is. That he could possibly feel anything for me is…"

Toshi cut her off sharply. Think Kaori! Think about what he said when you left to come here. Remember his words, remember.. his eyes.

Kaori closed her eyes tightly, the very scene Toshi spoke of, the scene she had replayed time and time again in her mind since arriving in the Living World springing to the front of her mind.

----------------------------------------------------------flashback---------------------------------------------------------------

Hitsugaya turned slowly to face her fully and, despite his better judgment he lifted both his hands and placed them carefully on her shoulders. "Do me a favor, Kaori." He spoke, his voice low and very quiet, almost a whisper that she had to strain to hear.

Kaori nodded slowly, not trusting her voice in that moment. The warmth of his hands on her seemed far more of a distraction than such a simple gesture should be.

Hitsugaya's eyes seemed to blaze with an emotion that even he could not yet identify as he said his goodbye. "Just come back."

-----------------------------------------------------flashback end------------------------------------------------------------

Kaori's hand rose to her mouth as she suppressed a small gasp. "Could it be?" She wondered aloud.

Why not? Toshi spoke softly. Stranger things have happened.

A slight smile stole its way onto Kaori's lips then and for the first time since coming to the Living World, hope found its way into her heart. Toshi was right, nothing was impossible and maybe, just maybe there was hope in this world or the next, for a Shinigami and her Taichou.