A/N: Apologies for this chapter being later than usual, it went through a couple of edits and university has been keeping me busy. Regardless, I hope you enjoy and I'd love to hear your thoughts! Thank you for reading!

Impossibly happy, that's how Eric liked to describe his current state of bliss. Impossible because he thought his heart was close to withering under such secluded, severe conditions. Impossible because despite all the beautiful, marvellous things that could be found on the mountain, he would never have suspected to find love… serving him in a supermarket, lying in his bed.

Even when the snow had melted from the mountain, Eric was in a perpetual winter, due to the slouching clouds and the storms concentrated at the peak of the mountain. And perhaps he had been here so long that the winter was ingrained into his being, freezing him to the bone. Kyle was spring, with his lush green eyes, sun-speckled skin and hair as red as any wildflower, with his optimism and warmth and compassion. Winter could easily be envious of spring, frustrated by it, confused by it but it is spring that brings sunlight and verdure and budding life. Eric had been stubborn at first, adamant to not let the prepossessing sun break through the clouds he had grown used to. But it had shone too brightly – Kyle had shone too brightly – and Eric was helpless to resist the replenishing of his brittle heart not so lonely anymore, unwilling to deny how exhilarating it felt, how completed he found himself now that his heart was firmly nestled in the embrace of Kyle's.

The distant sound of chirping birds could be heard over the sound of Eric and Kyle's faint panting. It had been four days since their consummation by the fire, and Eric wondered if it had ever ended, since it had only exacerbated their desire for one another. Like this morning, it had been their first thought upon waking. Eric had stirred at the sudden weight on top of him, his eyes fluttering open to reveal Kyle placing languid kisses on his face. Eric quickly captured Kyle's lips and soon they were tending to each other's morning erections… far more satisfying than a cold shower.

Kyle spoke first. "We should start our mornings like this more often…"

Eric had been looking outside, the December sun was startling and the clouds bobbed in the sky, fragmented like ice on a frozen lake. He slowly raked his gaze over Kyle; his body was sheening with sweat, his curls dishevelled, and his eyes were glowing with simmering arousal. Eric shuffled closer to him, and inhaled that irresistible musky scent that mingled with his own. Kyle waited patiently while Eric admired him, a coy smile on his face.

"We could go again, if you want?" Eric asked.

Kyle chuckled, his own gaze trailing over Eric. "You know, when we had sex the first time I had no idea you would be so insatiable."

Eric flushed and shook his head, he was still sheepish about this passionate side of him that Kyle had enlivened. Besides, he didn't want Kyle to think he was keeping him anything other than satisfied.

"Not insatiable..." he murmured, placing a kiss on Kyle's shoulder.

"Then what?" Kyle smirked.

Eric grinned and climbed on top of Kyle before he answered him, loving the way Kyle's eyes flashed and rose to meet his own.

"Wanting to be close to you," he answered. "Is that a bad thing?"

Kyle grinned and shook his head, before reaching up and pressing his lips to Eric's. While Eric adored Kyle's gentle, indulgent kisses, he was now aware of other body parts equally as tantalising as Kyle's mouth, and so taking Kyle's bottom lip between his teeth with a small tug, Eric then diverted his attention to Kyle's neck. Eric lapped at Kyle's sultry skin and he could feel the tremors in Kyle's throat when he moaned and arched into the embrace.

"After breakfast we could always come back upstairs for round two?" Kyle asked above Eric, slightly breathless.

"I'd like that," Eric murmured, smirking into Kyle's neck.

His lips had amply decorated Kyle's throat and had reached his collarbone when the faint sound of a ringing telephone floated into the bedroom.

"Is that… is that the phone?" Kyle asked, attempting to break out of his kiss-drunk haze.

"Yeah, it is…" Eric replied, lifting his head.

They both froze, Eric guessed, for very different reasons. He knew that dread was responsible for his paralysis.

"How long has it been since anyone called you?"

"I don't know…" Eric whispered, flinching when he heard the phone ring again.

"Well, aren't you going to answer it?" Kyle asked, and Eric felt his fingers weave persuasively through his hair.

"Sure…" Eric nodded, his movements stiff and slow as he slid out of bed and retrieved a pair of boxers from the floor.

Kyle had sat up now, eyes trained on Eric.

"Could it be the rangers?" he asked, the optimism so apparent in his voice.

"Probably," Eric replied, with only the smallest drop of emotion.

When he left the room, his heart was pounding with every apprehensive step and when he began his descent of the stairs he walked slowly and hesitantly, as if one of the bigger, more vicious animals had broken into the cabin and he was preparing for a terrifying encounter. Although he supposed it was an intrusion of some sort, for it could be nobody other than the rangers and Eric knew what they could take away from him with one brief call. The phone grew louder, and knowing that it could stop ringing at any second instilled some urgency in Eric and sent him rushing down the stairs.

When he reached the kitchen he almost ripped the phone from the wall, putting a brutal end to its incessant ringing.

"Hello?"

"Hey there, Mr Cartman, apologies for not calling sooner," one of the friendlier rangers was on the phone. Eric rolled his eyes, he preferred his more stoic conversations with the ranger station. "It's been a nightmare trying to get up here, this storm has been a beast! How are you holding up?"

"Yeah, fine," Eric replied, scratching the nape of his neck. "I've been fine."

"As you've probably noticed the weather has been improving. Not wonderful, or not quickly but we're over the worst of it."

"Oh, uh, great," Eric replied, rolling his eyes once more.

Is that all you have to report on, asshole?

"We're just calling to tell you we've cleared the pass if you needed to head into town."

Eric blinked, the news hitting him like a knockout punch but he didn't fall. He just felt numb, concussed.

"What?"

"It's now safe to leave the mountain," the ranger replied. "The pass is clear."

The words constricted Eric's heart, growing tighter until he forgot how to breathe at all, forgetting to speak since the news flooded his brain like insidious, inevitable water that his irrational, naïve dam couldn't prevent.

"Oh… oh, uh, thanks," Eric nodded, though gratitude was the last thing he felt, if he was feeling anything at all. "Thanks for calling."

"No problem," the ranger replied, his cheeriness even more nauseating. "Take care now."

The ranger hung up and the yawning, disconnected beep left a dissociating ring in Eric's ears. He heard himself place the phone back in the holder on the wall but couldn't recall performing the action. He felt the wooden doorframe against his naked back, but couldn't remember stumbling to find it. He placed a hand to his chest to feel himself breathing and found his heart, thudding against his ribcage. With great effort he shuffled to the stairs and there he started to devise how best to tell Kyle he could go, how he could bring himself to say the words. Thinking of Kyle was what he wanted to avoid. It was too excruciating to focus on the epicentre of his pain. But he couldn't hide, just like Kyle couldn't stay here with him forever, and the thought pushed burning tears into his eyes.

I don't have to tell him. He's happy here.

What if he wants to stay as much as I want him to? He loves me! He wants to be with me, doesn't he?

But it's not right… I would never lie to him… Will never lie to him…

He tried hard to conceal his tears when he reached the bedroom, and Kyle was still sat up, arms crossed around his legs expectantly.

"Was it the rangers?" Kyle asked.

He deserves the truth. I deserve happiness, he said so, and doesn't he deserve happiness too?

He'd be happy at home. I'd be lonely here. I wouldn't be lonely, because I'd still have him even-

Even when he's back in town and I'm stuck up here? He'll forget me! He came here for a new life and it hasn't even started yet! He'll forget me in a month, tops!

Eric nodded, hating and resenting Kyle's eagerness. How could great news for Kyle be horrible news to Eric? Perhaps 'impossibly happy' had been an eerily, too literal definition of Eric's emotional state.

"What did they say? Although…" Kyle frowned, shoulders slumping and he stroked the pelt. "The look on your face isn't exactly promising."

Eric blinked, although he shouldn't have been surprised by Kyle's perception. He had kept his tears at bay, but forcing a smile was something he was incapable of. Before Kyle, deceiving somebody with his facial expressions came easily to Eric. Lying was a means to an end, a tactic to be used on the trusting and unimportant. Kyle appeared to be the former when it came to Eric, but he certainly wasn't the latter. To lie to Kyle would be to consider his feelings irrelevant, to lie to Kyle would be a demotion, a regression back into his selfish ways. Eric closed his eyes, willed himself to speak, even if the truth was something he couldn't bear to say out loud.

I could lose him if I lie.

I could lose him if he goes.

But everybody goes. I have the chance to hold onto him for just a little while longer, why should I give that up?

Just for a little while.

"Kyle, the uh…"

Just for a little while, I promise.

I could lose him.

I could lose him either way.

He'll forget me.

"What?"

Eric bowed his head, searching for the words but they were nowhere to be found. All he could find where tempting excuses, desperate rationalities.

Shouldn't I believe that he won't forget me so easily?

I thought I believed in us, I don't know…

Just for a little while.

I'm not strong enough.

It's a risk I can't take.

"The pass is still closed," Eric finally replied, lifting his head to look at Kyle. "You can't leave yet."

Kyle went to respond, but his whole body deflated instead. He dropped his gaze, eyes wandering the pelt. Sour anger and disappointment swelled beneath Eric's lungs and he couldn't explain it nor did he want to, he just knew he hated Kyle's reaction, a hatred that was reflected in him, that had germinated in him in fact, with his recent lie.

"What's the matter?" Eric snapped. "Aren't you happy here?"

Kyle looked up, stung, and his gaze pierced Eric with immediate shame.

"Of course I'm happy here, Eric," he replied, a small dent in his brow.

"Then why do you look so damn miserable?" Eric continued, wishing he could dull his razored words, but his frosty countenance that had been previously discarded was all he could turn to.

"Because I have a home I need to go back to!" Kyle replied indignantly.

Eric shrunk back, silent and wounded.

"Eric, you've been great… amazing in fact!" Kyle continued. "And I appreciate all that you're doing for me but I have a home of my own! I have a job and an apartment with all my stuff in! So excuse me for missing those things! Excuse me for being disappointed!"

Eric opened his mouth to speak but realised he had no retort, humiliation fuelled his confused, jumbled anger and persisting devastation, and he backed down. But Kyle was waiting for him, waiting for confrontation. Eric simply denied him, shaking his head.

"Whatever…" he muttered, before storming out of the bedroom.

"Where are you going?!"

Eric heard Kyle shout.

He went to the bathroom, stood in front of the faucet and gripped it tightly. He just needed to get out of there and think, escape momentarily from what he had said. But Eric had left the bathroom door open, and Kyle was now stood in the doorway in his boxers.

"Eric, where are you going?" he asked.

"Out," Eric replied curtly, not even looking at Kyle.

"Now?" There was a twinge in Kyle's voice like a vocal chord had been snapped. "Aren't you going to have breakfast first?"

Eric gripped the sink and looked up at the mirrored shelf, seeing his fuming, humiliated expression. He pushed past Kyle to get to the bedroom, but Kyle still followed him.

"If you're trying to avoid an argument-"

"Huh?" Eric cut Kyle off, turning to face him.

Kyle was standing with his arms folded across his chest, dejected. Eric wanted to comfort him, but how could he when he was to blame? Kyle then sighed and shook his head.

"I don't want to fight with you, Eric," he admitted. "There's no need to run away."

Eric rubbed the nape of his neck, clueless as to what to say. He hung his head and remained silent, turning around and walking to his wardrobe. There was a rustling of clothes behind him, Kyle getting dressed.

"I'm going to the kitchen," Eric heard Kyle say despondently. "I'll see you down there."

Eric waited until Kyle left the room to curse under his breath, so angry that he couldn't concentrate on the simple task of picking a shirt and jeans to wear from his limited supply.

Not only did Kyle not want to argue with Eric, he didn't want to talk to him either. And the way Eric was feeling, he couldn't bring himself to look at Kyle and not be reminded of his own deception. He needed to get out, he needed the snow-covered scenery to clear his head.

He didn't even say goodbye when he left the cabin.

Eric found no answers in the forest, no explanations, only small game to take his anger out on. But not even acquiring a particularly swift doe rabbit could make his consternation dissipate and soon he was roaming the well-trodden forest aimlessly with a bleeding rabbit in his knapsack just so he didn't have to go back to the cabin and face Kyle, a potential argument, the bitter, resentful shame of his lie.

When Eric had finally returned to the cabin with dinner, he was met not with Kyle's embrace, or kisses to warm him up. Instead he received a lacklustre greeting that floated into the hallway, Kyle barely making any effort to raise his voice. Eric had sighed and responded, content to just cook dinner and call it in an early night. At least one of the perks of winter was a shadowy short day.

As usual Kyle helped with dinner, chopping vegetables salvaged from the frozen greenhouse while Eric cooked the meat. Bubbling, boiling pans and the metronomic thump of the kitchen knife meeting the chopping board had filled the silence for twenty minutes. Although Eric and Kyle were standing right next to each other they hadn't spoken. Not out of choice – for Eric, at least – but because there was nothing they could say that would sufficiently erase the awkwardness… except maybe an apology. But to Eric an apology would mean admitting he did something wrong when he was still desperately clinging to denial (among other things).

While Eric deliberated whether an apology was worth it if it meant starting a conversation, he stole occasional glances at Kyle. Guilt and pre-emptive yearning had swallowed up the previous dazzling rush and overwhelming affection Kyle elicited in him, before one phone call snatched it all away. Temporarily or forever, Eric wasn't sure.

It was usually Kyle who initiated conversations, and he was just as adept at the silent treatment as he was breaking the ice. He slid his gaze to Eric whenever he caught him staring, a reminder for Eric to not get too weighed down in his thoughts, chastising him for his distraction. But Eric didn't want to look away, didn't want to feel like a voyeur when Kyle had so willingly opened up and revealed all to him. Eric didn't want to spend another minute in silence, something that he barely noticed when alone, but was now torturous in Kyle's company when so many words were clearly imprisoned by their own pride.

"I'm sorry-"

They both jolted at the collision of their apologies, ducking their heads and snickering sheepishly.

"Y-y-you go…" Kyle offered.

Eric sighed, hating how he was being given the chance by Kyle when he should have seized it himself.

"I'm sorry, Kyle. I'm sorry I was so…"

"Insensitive?" Kyle interjected, continuing to chop a parsnip and not even looking at Eric.

Eric raised his eyebrows and Kyle coolly lifted his gaze to him, shrugging.

"Y-y-yeah, insensitive," Eric continued, struggling to meet Kyle's eyes. "All I care about is making you happy here and I guess… I, I guess it hurt a little to find out that you weren't."

"But I am happy here!" Kyle protested, setting the knife down and looking at Eric imploringly. "I told you that!"

Eric frowned and bowed his head, wondering if his lie had put that happiness in jeopardy. Oblivious, Kyle shuffled closer and nudged Eric's shoulder with his nose, nuzzling him.

"I'm happy with you…" Kyle added.

His tickly curls and warm breath against Eric's clothed skin made Eric snicker, brought him into the present and out of his clouded mind.

"But I miss my regular life, Eric," Kyle continued. "I miss being able to talk to my family, I miss my apartment, I miss my job, and my stuff… I know you would do anything and go to any length to make me happy. But there are some things you can't do, and that's okay, I don't expect you to. Don't feel like you've failed, Eric. I'm just sorry that I made you feel that way when it couldn't be further from the truth."

Eric kissed Kyle's curls as if it made everything better, before wrapping his arm around him and pulling him closer. He was grateful that Kyle appreciated him so much, loved him so much, and he wondered if Kyle would keep hold of that if he were to ever find out-

He won't find out.

"Apology accepted," Eric replied. "And I'm sorry I didn't understand before, Kyle."

"That's okay," Kyle whispered, before he snuggled Eric's chest. "In the heat of the moment things aren't always clear."

Eric gulped, knowing better than anyone how true that was.

I'll make this right, somehow. If I ever find out what right is…

"How do you celebrate Christmas up here?" Kyle asked, breaking a rare after dinner silence.

Eric would usually flop down on the sofa once their evening meal had finished, and Kyle would find that soft, comfortable nook and conversation that made Eric feel just as close to him as any kiss or embrace. Although apologies had been exchanged, Eric still felt anxious, antsy and Kyle's words drifted over his head with only some semblance of meaning settling on his conscience and prompting him to respond. Thankfully, Kyle didn't seem to notice, but whereas he was probably enjoying the peaceful winter night in silence, Eric was still figuring out what the least painful way to make things right was without knowing that right meant… rather, what it entailed.

"Oh…" Eric replied when he realised he still hadn't answered Kyle's question. "I don't."

The couch rustled as Kyle sat up to look at Eric, a sharp, cool lack between them where Kyle's toasty body had once rested.

"Really?" He asked with an incredulity rounded with pity that Eric found hard to tolerate.

"Who would I celebrate it with?"

Kyle shrugged and nestled into his boyfriend's loose, one-armed embrace.

"Me?" he offered.

Eric froze and blinked, momentarily stunned before he realised he shouldn't be. He flushed, a smile spreading across his face as he tentatively pulled Kyle closer.

"You want to celebrate Christmas with me?" He asked quietly, still disbelieving.

"Of course!" Kyle chuckled, rolling his eyes. "You're my boyfriend!"

Eric nuzzled Kyle's curls to hide his increasing grin, murmuring into his hair, "I'd love to spend Christmas with you…"

"And Hanukah?" He heard Kyle ask.

Eric kissed Kyle's temple and replied, "I'll celebrate Kwanza with you too, if you want… "

"Won't be necessary, two holidays is enough," Kyle replied, snickering. "But I appreciate the enthusiasm." He then turned his head and met Eric's eyes, asking, "Do you think the pass will be open by Christmas?"

Eric's brief good mood was splintered by the return of that subject and he diverted his gaze, mumbling "I, I don't know…"

He tried to distract Kyle by planting kisses on his stubbly jaw.

"Shame…" Kyle sighed. "Well, there's always next year."

Now Eric had reason to be surprised. He was stunned by the euphoric astonishment that flooded his chest, subduing his doubts and glossing over them with a dazzling whitewash. He had never told Kyle that he wanted this relationship to be for the long-haul and despite the indicators that Eric hoped were a sign Kyle felt the same way, he never had such a verbal confirmation. Kyle was thinking as far ahead as next year, and Eric was fretting over Kyle getting bored with him? Losing him? Developing amnesia upon leaving the mountain? A new guilty head sprouted from the grotesque hydra of shame, and that was guilt for selling Kyle so short and believing he could be that fickle, unfaithful and uncommitted.

He couldn't apologise for that, for Eric had never outright stated his concerns. But he had to reward Kyle with some token of trust, even if it was disguised with a truth selfishly hoarded. Eric needed to give Kyle the benefit of the doubt and tell him the pass was open. It was a risk, but one he had to be brave enough to take.