(Houji shows a new recruit around Juppongatana headquarters, flinging a window wide open.)

"One day, all of this will be ours."

"What, the shoji screens?"

(whap) "No, not the shoji screens-- every inch of Japan, stretched out over the hills and valleys of these islands! We'll rule the whole country, lad!"

"But Yumi-san--"

(whap) "I told you, I'm Houji."

"But Houji-san, I don't want any of that."

"It'll be easy. All you've got to do is defeat Battousai. The first agent we sent fell in love with him and died. The second agent got his sword-arm broken, but didn't die. The third agent got his sword-arm broken, had his life spared at the last minute, but then commited seppuku anyway and died. But the fourth one-- ah, the fourth one was shot in the head, then burned down, fell over, and sank into the swamp-- but he didn't die! And that's who our leader is today, lad, the strongest man in the Meiji era!"

"But I don't want any of that... I'd rather..."

"Rather what!"

"I'd rather... just... sing!"

(J-pop begins to play in the background, but is screeched to a halt by Houji.) "Cut that out, you're not performing any image songs while I'm here. Now listen, we live on a bloody oil rig. We need to get rice from somewhere!"

"But I don't want to haul bales of rice around..."

"No, I told you already, you're going to fight Battousai! In fifteen minutes you're going to make Lord Shishio the ruler of Japan!"

"...But I don't like him."

(whap) "Don't like him! What's wrong with him? He's strong, he's clever, he's strong, he's got a huuuge... roll of bandages--"

"I know, but I'd like the leader I follow to have a certain... special... something..."

(J-pop is squelched again.) "I said stop that! Listen, Okita--"

"No, I'm Soujirou!"

"Right. Soujirou. Look, you're going to fight Battousai, so you'd better get used to the idea!"

(Houji leaves. While waiting, Soujirou surreptitiously taps out a message on the telegraph in the corner. Eventually, Kenshin shows up.)

"Fair maiden, this one is here to serve you, and-- oro?"

"You've come to save me! You got my telegram!"

"Er. This one received a telegram..."

"I knew that someone... somewhere... someday..."

(Houji reappears, cutting off the "West Side Story" solo.) "Battousai-- so you killed Anji, Usui, and Aoshi, did you?"

"Not as such, no..."

"Damn it, now we'll have to pay them sick leave!"

(Soujirou edges onto the bridge.) "Don't be afraid of him, Himura-san-- I've got our escape all planned out..."

(still speaking to Houji) "Terribly sorry, but this one thought he was a lady."

"No, Kamatari's the transvestite around here! Unless you mean Yumi."

"...See, if we jump off the bridge right here, we can land safely on Saitou's trampoline, and then we'll be free! Free to wander around Japan for ten years as penniless wanderers together! Bliss! Joy! Yaoi!"

(Kenshin sidles closer to Houji, away from Soujirou.) "Do you mean the legendary Yumi-dono? Famous girl she was during the Bakumatsu, famous girl."

(climbing over the railing) "I'm ready, Himura-san!"

"That's our Yumi. Say, would you like to come along and speak to her? I believe she was very well known for her silver... tongue."

"Oro! That would be... very pleasant. This one would welcome the opportunity."

"Himura-san, please hurry!"

(Soujirou dangles from his fingertips until Houji kicks him off.)

"Aieeeeeee..." (thud)

(They look over the side of the bridge.)

"Shoddy foreign imports."

"They don't make trampolines like they used to, that they do not."

(The curtain falls after Soujirou. They exit.)