A/N: Simon Baker is the guy who plays The Mentalist. If you don't know who that is then just imagine a sexy guy :3 don't question the power of Mello to judge sexiness D

Mello

When I woke up, my redhead was gone.

It was a rare circumstance that Matt ever got up before I did - I was an early riser and Matt tended to oh-so easily sleep till noon. Suddenly I realized, though, as I rubbed my tiered eyes and looked the clock on the desk, that I shouldn't be awake either. It was only one AM.

Irritated for waking up so early I shut my eyes again, willing myself back to sleep. But the lack of warmth was horrid, having slept beside the redhead the previous night, much closer than usual. God, I was so stupid, becoming attached to him like this. Matt was straight. I might have been the biggest homo that walked the earth - weird to think that, since I was confident I was straight a few days ago… - but Matt… no. But doubt was still evident in my mind. Was Matt straight? And even if he wasn't, was he attracted to me? I remembered the way he had reacted when I strutted around the room, twitching and blushing. Had he been aroused, or creeped out? And if he had been so aroused then, why had he let himself be flirted with by that Mallory girl at the club, and why had he reacted so strangely when I tried to tickle him? I mean, he had tickled me first after all.

I sighed with irritation, shutting my eyes. Overnight I had pretty much confirmed that I was gay. God, weird what coming out to yourself can do to your dreams. Even weirder that I was the one against the bed, being abused and kissed and licked and thrusted into, my legs wrapped around his shoulders, sweating and moaning, gasping in pleasure, fingers intertwined in that red hair and--

Oh, shit. I was thinking too far again. I shut my eyes, irritated with myself. Why did it have to be Matt, even in my dreams? Even when it could be anyone from Simon Baker to Johnny Depp, and it had to be Matt. Not that even Simon Baker nor Johnny Depp (Bow down to them. Now.) were the ones I really wanted overpowering me like that. No, Matt was the only one I wanted to wake up with in the morning.

Of course, I wouldn't ever tell him that.

Then again, what if I did? Just tell him, I mean. I doubted his reaction would be bad. He was so twisted around my finger that I didn't even have to try to keep him t here, he'd only curl himself tighter if I tried to move away. Which I wouldn't do. And so if I came out to him… I couldn't imagine him turning a cold shoulder to me or leaving me. It just wasn't plausible - though if he was straight after all he'd probably not want to sleep in the same bed anymore and it would be kind of awkward.

What if he loves you back?

Whoa. Weird thought there, Mells. It was an extremely appealing thought, but… no, wrong. First of all, I did not LOVE Matt. It was just…. I liked him. It wasn't that cheesy true love thing, I mean, that was ridiculous.

But I did like him.

….a lot.

Not that it mattered, I knew, sighing and flopping my head back on the bed, not really willing to get up until I had sorted everything out in my own head. I mean, I guess it was important that I knew what I wanted to say. Maybe nothing. Maybe I could just let it go. I would get over him, probably. Maybe.

Maybe not.

Maybe he would like me back.

Maybe he'd accept me.

….but I couldn't expect that, I knew, and scooted across the bed, burying my face in Matt's pillow. Matt. It smelt just like him. Like that 'for men' shampoo he used, but mostly just like matt. Simply and surely Matt. I couldn't explain why, but I loved just burying myself in that pillow, breathing in his scent. Wishing he was there beside me again, to wrap his arms around me and comfort me, to tell me he's there, to tell me he won't leave me… we would be there forever, together, friends or lovers it didn't matter, I just needed him, my partner in crime…

'Being gay is a sin, Mihael. You must understand - marriage is between a man and a woman.'

I sigh and brush my hand through my hair. My mothers voice, in my thoughts again, plaguing my new found overnight acceptance. But I had to let it go. Remembering Krista and Lauren. Maybe we could be like them. Maybe, despite everything, we could be happy.

Even if I'm a flaming homosexual. Even if I'm a bitch. Even if I'm the fucking devil. He has to be there. Always.

I close my eyes and try and focus on something else. Anything else. I can't, though, almost like he was the one who owned me, and not the other way around. Maybe that's part of it, though, I wonder. I wonder if, in the way that I own him, if he owns me, too, in some small way. He's that tug at my heart, that voice that tells me no, that's not okay, or yes, do that. That tells me I'll never be alone.

"It doesn't matter to me if all of it's true, I still want to be friends with you, okay? I'm not going to abandon you, so you can't leave me either, okay?"

I flinch at the memory. That's right - when Chad punched him, that's what he said. Always told me that. He'd always say… he'd always…

"Hey, Mells!" The voice startled me from the studying I was doing, that I was frantically working on because I had snuck out the previous night and not been studying to beat Near, like I usually did. Matt was coming in the door, a big smile on his face. But I saw the guilt in his eyes as he shut the door, and I saw the scarf he was wearing. Why was he wearing a scarf? He hated those things, always complained how they itched and refused to wear them when we played in the snow during the winter. It was summertime then, and there was no way he was wearing it just for looks.

I didn't return the hello, I simply stood up and jerked the scarf from his neck. Matt gasped, and I think I accidentally choked him a little, but he didn't complain as the scarf fell from his neck onto the bedroom floor.

There was a gash there, red and stained with dried blood. I stared at it for a long time, Matt just looking at me with a look of extreme guilt and shame. I only stared at it. I almost couldn't compute as to what I was seeing. It wasn't a serious wound, now that I had inspected it, just barely a cut, but it looked like it was painful. I felt my stomach tighten with anger and sadness.

"What the hell happened to you, Matt?" I hissed, glowering at him. Matt's face fell, as if he thought he was in trouble. Had he done something wrong? My hand moved to the mark on his neck. Fingernails. It had to be fingernails, overly manicured ones, too, because the scratch was hard and precise, not an accident, it couldn't have been. A female did this, I was the only guy that had fingernails capable of doing that in this orphanage. "Who did this, Matt?" I demanded, "Did you go near Heather again?"Matt's face fell and he looked at his feet. "No. It was some other girl… Kelly I think."

Kelly? Yeah, I knew Kelly, she was a fierce little bugger, but I didn't mind her that much, despite the fact that she was a whore and occasionally hung out with Heather and Linda, I didn't really know much about her. I was pretty sure she flirted with me a few times, but I rejected her and I'm pretty sure I ended up slapping her. I could barely remember. I didn't expect violence from that girl, though, especially not against Matt.

"What happened, Matt?" I demanded, again prodding his shoulder and staring at him intensely, demanding answers. As always this had gotten to him, and he seemed to admit defeat completely, shoulders slumping, and he grabbed my arm, staring at me with such intensity I almost fell over.

"They were… talking about you," he whispered, "It just… got to me, okay?"I stared at him. What? I couldn't understand what he was getting at - had he been defending me? But against what? I didn't understand the look in his eyes. "What… you idiot, did you start a fight for me?"Matt dropped my arm and sat down. "Of course I did. I punched her."

I glowered at him, confused. He rarely ever expressed anything violent, except in self defense. "Why the hell would you do that? You know for a fact the kinds of things they say about me."

He didn't reply. He just stared at the wall, and for a few seconds I almost believed the wall would crumble under his gaze. "This time was different, Mells," he whispered. "It got to me."I sat down beside him, not understanding why he was protecting me at the time. He was shuffling his feet again, a sign he wanted to do something but he was too embarrassed to. And then I remember what he said, clear as day as he peeked at me, his eyes fiery and determined. "I had to say something, Mells. You're my most important person - I couldn't let rumors like that spread. Understand?"

I smiled at the memory, though at the time of the memory I remembered being kind of angry. At Kelly and at Matt. I never did find out what the rumor was about. Though I'm sure it had something to do with me being a whore (which is a lie, I'm still a virgin). I sigh and close my eyes.

Matt.

"You're my most important person," I repeat Matt's words, fingering my rosary around my neck absently. Why did I still wear this? I didn't know. But I did know why I kept Matt around, and I suddenly had the urge to go and find him.

I would find him.

My most important person.

And so I did.

I got up, flung some clothes on - some black jeans and a white shirt, I think, which is weird because I almost never wear white but you know I figured I'd change it up for once. I was in the mood. So I hurried into my outfit, struggling to shove the boots on before hurrying out, trying hard to keep a smile off my face. I couldn't start grinning like an idiot, that was Matt's job, I thought with a tiny smile.

Where WAS Matt, anyway? I realized I didn't know, but I just kept walking in the direction of the classrooms. Maybe he was just walking. He did that, occasionally, when he was restless. Why was he restless? I mean, he did watch me cry myself to sleep, but usually that would make him STAY, not leave.

I stopped in the hallway, frowning. If I were a Matty, where would I go?"He's in the library."I froze, the voice surprising me, and I whirled around, hands automatically going to an offensive position at my sides. But it was only Near, sitting on the ground, twirling his hair with his finger and staring at me. I didn't like the way he stared, and it occurred to me that he had kind of read my thoughts. How did he know where I was going?"Uh…what?" I say half-heartedly, half way wanting to make a hurried beeline towards the library, since the little twit annoyingly seemed to know everything. But I couldn't just admit that he automatically knew I was looking for Matt. But then again, who else would I be looking for? He was my only friend.

Near continued staring at me, as if he knew I would make the conclusion myself, and I scowled at him before heading in the direction of the library. Little twit. Little fucking freak? How did he even get places? I'd seen him walk, like, what, twice? And we both arrived at Wammys on almost the same day, me a day after him - arugh, he beat me again, I know - and I had pretty much known him the entire time he'd been there, since we were on similar rankings, therefore had most of our classes together.

When I was pondering this - augh, stupid Near - I found that I was already near the Library. It was almost completely silent, and I slowed my pace, not wanting to make it look like I had hurried to see him. Matt, I mean.

I fought a smile tugging on my lips as I headed for the library, determined to see him. My most important person. He was mine and I was…

What the hell was Linda doing here?Matt was standing there, Linda draped around him like some kind of creepy boa constrictor, hugging him like he was her life source or something. Matt looked confused and awkward, but he was smiling that gentle smile, that smile I'd only ever seen him use with ME, and after a few moments of Linda whispering into his ear Mat pulled her away, gently, as if she was some sort of glass doll and he was afraid to break her. Her face was putting on a show of looking innocent, and she smiled at him.

And then I think she saw me. I think she saw me staring, saw me balling my fists up beside me, struggling to stop myself from running in and slamming that girls face in with them, trying to stop from being upset. I was upset though. Right when I realize I like the guy, that I'm his most important person and he's mine, I find out it's apparently one sided. That's just fucking perfect.

And I think she saw the fury that had built up around me before I could stop it. I wanted to run in there and choke that girl, kill her for trying to steal my Matt, for not understanding, for not somehow knowing how much I loved him. For not understanding that she could not have my Matt, could not be flirting with MY Matt. And I almost did, almost gave in to the fury, until I saw Matt.

He looked horrified.

Staring at me with big green eyes, his face turning pink with embarrassment, staring at me like I was the last thing he wanted to see at this moment, like I had appeared and ruined his perfect dream. As if I had… broken something important.

I felt the fury drain from me. I felt it all just go away, felt it be replaced with jealous rage, with the urge to start crying, but I didn't. I fled.

Something inside me just snapped and I ran. Ran from the false pretense in my mind, ran from what I thought was but apparently wasn't, ran from the urge to break Linda I half. Because of that look on Matt's face… I couldn't take that away from him. If he wanted that whore, then he could have her - I couldn't take that chance away from him. I just wanted him to be happy. Needed him to be happy.

So I ran. I sprinted, almost, down the hall, knowing there were probably tears in my eyes, knowing my face was burning from embarrassment, thanking every god I could think of that nobody was in the stair well when I plowed up it and collapsed in between the first and second floor.

I hated the feeling of being weak. Of fighting tears, of choking on emotions that I couldn't hold back. I felt like I had fallen into a hole full of constricting, conflicting emotions, and no matter how hard I scrambled I couldn't scrape my way back out.

"S-stupid idiot…" I murmur angrily, wiping my eyes. I wanted to go back to my room, but I knew that Matt would find me there. I didn't want him to find me like this - I knew if he saw me so uncomposed he would know I was upset, and probably not even consider Linda or the dance, because he never put himself first. I knew that must be what they were talking about - that's all I ever heard Linda and May chattering about in first period, which I shared with them.

The emotions felt so painful in my chest. Damn Matt, damn him for making me feel like this, for making me feel. I shouldn't feel like this.

I needed to let it out.

I needed to feel something.

So I got up, and shoved the emotions away. The thoughts, the emotion, and most of all, I shoved Matt from my mind, forcibly. Forced it all out of my system and composed myself, making myself stony as I stormed up the last set of stairs, l ooking for anyone but Matt.

I found Near.

Near, just standing there, outside our door, staring straight at me with that knowing look in his eyes. He knew. He must have seen Matt there in the library - why didn't he tell me Linda was there? Why didn't the little shit stop me? Why didn't he ever give a shit about anything!?

Without really thinking about it I stalked forward, hands clenching at my sides. I saw a tiny flicker of something go through Near's eyes, but I ignored it, sending a shove in his direction before he had the chance to say anything. He had no reaction, no gasp, no surprise, he simply fell, right on his butt. He never reacted to anything. He never cared. Why couldn't I be him? Why couldn't I just not care what Matt, or anyone, thought of me?

I found myself kicking Near in the side, sending him into a tiny "ow" when I did, and I grabbed him by that idiotic white albino hair, pulling him to his feet again. The little sheep mewled a little, obviously uncomfortable, his composure cracking only barely with the flicker of fear in his eyes. I felt a demonic smirk cross my face. Satisfaction.

Then the little fuck spoke. "Did Matt tell you?" he inquired, not even seeming to give a shit about what I thought of it, just like it was his business, like a curious person watching a movie from a distance. Did this boy have a DEATH WISH?

"Tell me what, you little fuck? Why do you even fucking care, you don't feel anything anyway," I growled, furious that he had seen through me so easily, pulling him by his hair and whipping him to the floor again. He let out a little sigh that might have been as close as he got to a yelp and fell to the ground, his weak legs doing nothing to support him.

"So Matt didn't tell you," he whispered, almost inaudibly, but I ignored his ramblings. Of course he didn't tell me about Linda, I didn't even know he fucking knew her name. I slammed my foot into him again, this time his back, but the kick was less powerful than the last. My hatred was slowly dripping away.

"Mello," his voice was quiet, just barely audible as I pulled him back up again by his shirt collar, furiously glowering at him, bringing him to my eye level, his legs only barely grazing the ground, short little ass he was. "Stop that, it hurts.""No fuck, idiot," I growled, jerking on his collar again. Relishing in the slight spasm of pain in his face when I did. Good. So he did have some emotion, at least, he did react to pain.

Right when I was going to throw him to the ground, Near's big gray eyes narrowed and he looked me, right straight in the eyes. It kind of scared me, honestly, and it was hard to scare me. It was full of such knowing, like he could see right into my mind, like he knew every single thing about me just by that glance. And he whispered, "Would this make Matt happy, seeing you beating me up for no reason?"

I stared at him. Matt? Why would he bring Matt up again? What would he care?But somehow I kind of knew matt WOULD care. That he would look at me with those green eyes, horrified that I had attacked Near for no particular reason (besides that he was pissing me off in general) and would probably be ashamed of me. Suddenly I was kind of ashamed of myself, the dark satisfaction I had gotten from beating Near suddenly gone, remembering Matt's pathetic face when Chad punched him and realized - why was I hurting Near anyway?Slowly my grip released on Near, lowering him to the ground and dropping him. I guess something's wrong with those knees of his, because they automatically buckled beneath him and he sat down, right on the ground. I didn't care. I just felt.. Awful.

"…you aren't bleeding, are you?" I whispered, remembering the blood that had filled Matt's mouth when he lost his tooth with a wave of sickness. Near startled a little, and I could tell my concern surprised him. But he shook his head no, and that's all I needed to know. I turned and walked away, entire body shaking as I returned to my room.

'So Matt didn't tell you.' Near's voice echoed in my head, ridiculous how it did. Tell me what? Had he been hiding even more from me that I didn't know? Was it even any of my business..?I flopped on the bed and did nothing. Just lied there, staring straight at the ceiling, not even thinking. I just stared, unable to make my brain focus on anything but the blank whiteness of the wall.

Matt

I couldn't understand. Watching Mello's face go from fury to exhausted and horribly upset as he looked at me made my heart lurch. Why? Why was he so upset?

Clearly he misinterpreted the situation. I knew for a fact he disliked Linda - was he mad that she was flirting with me? Did she think that I was actually going to take her to the dance? (I wasn't.)

I was about to say something, but I found that I was frozen in place a moment too long because Mello had already spun around, face burning with an unexpected blush as he ran the other direction. All I could think was that I had hurt him. Somehow, in some unexplainable way, I had hurt his feelings.

Linda shifted in front of me, her face burning with embarrassment and her eyes swimming with confusion and fear, trying to figure something o ut. I looked at her, unable to move from my position, not knowing what to do. What should I do? Chase after him? To what end? What would I even say when I caught him?

The girl stared at her feet, biting her lip, seeming to be deep in some sort of thought before looking up at me with a frown, eyes narrowed in suspicion. "W-what?" I stammered, confused by her gaze.

Suddenly she smiled, crossing her arms in stubbornness. "Well, what are you standing here talking to me for? Mello's the one you like, right?"I felt my face set on fire, burning. Dammit. She'd figured it out. I mean, I guess I could have made it less obvious, but it still kind of surprised me. I guess girls just had intuition like that. Seeing my face Linda smirked, rolling her eyes. "I should have known you were gay, but you can't blame a girl for hoping," she continued, patting my shoulder. "So are you going after him or what?"I stared at her longer, unable to move. Go after him? But wait. "Y-you're not going to tell anyone, right?" I silently cured myself for stammering, and Linda smirked at me again, eyes twinkling with mischief.

"No promises," she said - at least she was honest - flipping her hair behind her shoulders, "But it's not like anyone would believe me if I told them, except maybe May. But it doesn't matter, just go."I bit my lip. Nervous. Too nervous. But she was absolutely right and I nodded, reluctant feelings vanishing as I dashed towards the boys dorms.

A/N: Okay, you must love Linda now XD even though she's annoying and keeps getting in the way T_T' Poor Near… sorry I keep picking on him so much, I'm mean to him D8 I'm not a near hater, honest, I just couldn't think of anyone else for Mells to pick on XD'

Anyway, hope u keep enjoyin it 8D