Chapter Ten

Taka wrote a big, red F on a paper and flipped it over. Summer school students were the worst. He started to read another paper and almost screamed at the misuse of the word "there." "It's a demonstrative, not a possessive! Vinny would cry."

"Reading another little gem?" Lena poked her head into the room. Her hair was pulled back from her face in an attractive way, twisted around the crown of her head and pulled into a tight braid.

"Oh, you know the type," Taka sighed and wrote "incomplete" on the paper. The student hadn't even bothered with the pretense of completion. The four to six page paper was less than two pages long. He put it down onto the stack and stretched. "What are you up to?"

"I just finished with my grading, and was thinking about heading home. Are you about done?"

"Yeah, I just have a couple more. If you don't mind waiting, I'll walk you to your car."

Lena glanced outside—it was late. He normally didn't stay this late in the summer, but he'd been putting off grading these papers for days and the students were starting to grumble. "I'll go pack up and meet you back here."

Taka went back to the next paper, which he gave a B for admirable effort, and flipped through the remainder of his stack. There were only two more. He could do this. By the time Lena returned, he was reading the last page of the final paper. She waited patiently for him to finish, sitting on the edge of one of the desks, dangling her four inch stiletto heel off the end of her toe. He was amazed that her feet weren't swollen to twice their normal size after wearing those all day. He put the last paper on the stack and quickly recorded the grades in his grade book. When he looked up, the redheaded woman was digging in her purse for something. She pulled out a little tube of lipstick or lip gloss and applied it to her lips.

"This recirculated air makes my lips dry," she explained sheepishly, shoving the tube back in her purse. "But at least we have AC now. Some of the other districts still don't."

"Unbelievable," he shook his head. It was hot enough in the summer to cook an egg on the sidewalk, and keeping students packed in a stuffy classroom on a day like that would be torture, he imagined. "You ready?"

"Yep," Lena hopped up. Her brown skirt swirled attractively around her legs. The pale blue top she wore set off the color of her eyes and hair. He absently wondered why she was single, but pushed the thought away. It was not his business. Taka grabbed his briefcase and followed Lena out of the classroom, locking the door behind him. "So what are you up to tonight?"

"Nothing in particular. Kaena is having dinner with her parents, and I told her I would be late grading papers, so I think I'll probably call up Andy and see how he's doing—he was mugged last night—and then maybe see what Vinny is up to. You?"

"Oh, no plans. Just me and a good book. Once again," she smiled a bit wistfully. He walked her to her car, and she slid behind the wheel. "Thanks for walking me out."

"No problem," Taka said and started for his own car. He heard the sad click of her engine before he'd unlocked his own car. He glanced back and saw Lena sitting there jiggling the key and hitting the dash. He made his way back to her car and tapped on the glass. She jumped and clutched her heart, but when she realized it was him, she rolled down the window. "Car won't start?"

"Stupid domestic piece of crap," she grumbled. "Would you mind giving me a ride home? It's kind of far, but the train lines don't really go out that far."

"Where is it?"

"The Northwest suburbs," she said sheepishly. "I don't like city living."

Taka glanced at his watch. It was almost nine. He figured that it would probably take him forty minutes or so to get out there, another thirty back to his place, but he had nowhere to be, and he doubted Lena had the funds to pay for a cab to take her that far out. "Sure."

Lena smiled gratefully and grabbed her bag and her purse, abandoning her car and following him back to his. She had already pulled out her cell phone to call a tow truck by the time Taka had settled into his seat and started the car. She left a message with the towing company, and hung up. "Thank you so much. Stupid thing. You know what they say about Fords. Fix or repair daily."

"I thought it was found on road dead," Taka laughed.

She laughed too, and then instructed him on which way to go. Lena looked out the window as they drove out of the city, watching the city scape. "It really is a beautiful city, if you can ignore the poverty and the crime broken up only by the sickeningly rich."

"There's a pretty healthy middle class here, from what I understand."

"True enough. Regular Joes and Janes like you and me. But there's still a lot of crime. How's your friend doing. Andy, you said?"

"Yeah, he was mugged and the guy broke his arm. Didn't take anything, though. I guess he fought him off," Taka mumbled. That was not the absolute truth. Andy had not fought the man off, but the man had clearly not been interested in his wallet. He was recovering, but shaken up. Kaberi was a mess over it. "But that's life. I've had my wallet stolen a couple times. It makes me miss Japan a little bit."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah, the crime rate is really low in Japan. The number one reported crime is umbrella theft," he laughed. The idea of anybody trying to steal an umbrella here was ridiculous. Why steal your umbrella when they could steal your wallet and buy one? But on the whole, he preferred Chicago to Tokyo. It was less crowded, and in some ways easier to blend into the crowd. "Kaena and I were thinking of taking a trip to Japan next year. I haven't been back in a couple years."

"What's it like there?"

"Well, different. It's hard to explain if you've never been there. It's just a different aura," he said without thinking. "Or vibe, you know. The little things. Like in Japan, there's this weird mix of old and new in a lot of places. Shrines and temples that date back to the Tokugawa era in the middle of bustling cities. Vending machines on mountain paths. Everything is very carefully groomed and manicured. Even if it looks haphazard, it probably isn't. Here, things kind of sprawl naturally, and the old is updated to look new, or the old is just plowed over for the new. Things that are for utility just look utilitarian. People are louder, more honest, and often more obnoxious. But I kind of like that. I guess Chicago is more honest about what it is. It's straight forward."

"You're right; I think I'd have to see it to understand. But it sounds like a beautiful place, if nothing else. What do you miss most?"

"My family. I haven't seen my siblings or my dad in too long. They're coming for the wedding, though. I'm so excited for them. My little sister Yuiren is even thinking of moving here."

"That would be pretty cool. How old is she?"

"Oh, gosh. I'm a bad brother. I'm not even sure anymore. In her twenties! Damn, I'm old."

"If you're old, I'm ancient! How old are you, anyway? You don't look so old."

"I'm thirty-five. But thanks."

"Oh, you're a lot older than you look. I thought you were my age."

"Which is?"

"Twenty-eight. Did you discover the fountain of youth or something?" she laughed. "Take this exit and then turn right."

Taka obeyed. "I guess I just age well." It might have had something to do with spending eleven years dead. Taka followed Lena's directions until they arrived at a little duplex in a residential neighborhood. She invited him in for coffee to thank him for the ride. He tried to decline, but she was insistent, and he admitted that he could use the jolt before driving back. His sixth sense was abuzz and he couldn't figure out why. It put him on edge. He felt some sort of darkness, kind of like the residue that had been left behind in the religion department after the attack on Kaena. Lena was chattering, so he pushed the thoughts aside so he wouldn't seem rude.

"Do you live alone?" Taka asked, glancing around.

"Yeah, though I make enough mess for three people," she said. "Sorry about that. I didn't expect company today, but you need some coffee before you go back, since I dragged you out here."

"Don't worry about it, my place is kind of a hole right now, too. Too many people traipsing in and out." Lena led him to the kitchen and heated up a cup of this morning's coffee for him while she made herself a screwdriver. "It's just a screwdriver kind of night, don't you think?"

Taka smiled and sipped his coffee, willing it to cool down so he could go. He really didn't like the feeling he was getting here. Thinking on it, he realized he had been feeling the strange anxiety since Lena had gotten in his car. That was strange. Lena didn't have a drop of magic power in her, and he had never felt like this around her before. Maybe it was just a coincidence.

"How's the coffee?" she asked.

"Hot," he replied.

"Let's go in the living room," she hopped up and grabbed him by the arm. The living room was as messy as the entranceway had been, but she quickly picked up stray magazines and things from the couch to make room for him, and he sat. She plopped next to him. Taka took a long sip of the coffee.

"Taka, you're such a strange guy. Nice, but strange. I've always wondered what it was about you. I mean, you're such a professional with your students, but you dye your hair this ridiculous greenish shade, and are engaged to a girl more than a decade younger than you, and hang out with the strangest bunch of people. I just can't pin you down. Though I'd like to!"

Taka glanced at his watch uncomfortably, noting the double entendre. "I should really be going."

"Are you sure? You seemed so tense today. Are you sure everything is all right with you and the college kid?" she asked, leaning over him. Taka felt sleepy, and despite his best efforts, his body wanted nothing more than to slump back against the soft, warm couch. Why had he come here again? His eyelids sagged, and he struggled to remain aware.

"I'm fine. No problems in paradise," he mumbled, words slurred. "Except those pantyhose that appeared. So weird. I have no idea where they came from."

"You mean these?" Lena picked up a pair of black pantyhose from the back of her couch.

"Yeah! How'd they get in my apartment?"

"Don't you remember? I left them there when we were there together. Before we made love, I took them off, and hung them in the bathroom so they wouldn't get bunched up." Lena's lips were close to his, and Taka felt like there was something extremely wrong here. He didn't remember Lena ever coming to his apartment, and he certainly would have remembered sleeping with her, but the idea was plausible. Why else would a pair of black pantyhose been at his apartment? He fought his way up from the haze. He had never slept with Lena! She kissed him, and his body relaxed against his will.

"Lena," he murmured against her neck. "Noo . . . Leeena."

She pulled away briefly. "What is it, darling? I know you missed me, but I'm here now."

"Sttt-" he couldn't speak. She was pulling off his shirt, and for some reason his hands were roaming her back, under her shirt. She had pale skin like he liked, and she was much smaller than him. Her red hair was coming loose from the tight braid, so she reached up and let it loose. It spilled down her back in a crimson cloud, wavy and soft.

This hair should be blonde, and her body should be closer to his in size, and stronger, not so soft and delicate. The eyes were wrong . . . Kaena. This should be Kaena. He screamed and shoved her out of his lap. She pounded her fist on the floor in frustration. "What did you give me?"

"Nothing a big man like you can't handle," she said. "Why are you fighting me? You want to. I know you want to!"

The dark presence was so strong now, it was like it was choking him. Maybe it was. He couldn't breathe. He screamed and flared his aura all around, and Lena screamed in reply and scrambled away from his violent power. He grabbed his keys from the kitchen table and stormed out of the house. The dark aura followed him, and he felt fuzzy, but he had to get away from here. He hopped in his car and drove carefully back to his apartment. He nearly died about twelve times from freak accidents like spare tires falling off the backs of SUVs and unexpected debris on the road, but he made it back and shakily made his way up the stairs. Something was wrong with him. He needed sleep. He needed Kaena.

His phone buzzed just as he stepped inside. It was a video of Lena mounting him, of his hands roaming her body, and he screamed and deleted it. He ran to his computer and checked his e-mail—message after message filled with photos and clips of him and Lena together. He had no idea what to do. He had to tell Kaena what happened, but after betraying her before, how could he tell her what he had done? He still couldn't believe he had cheated on her and been stupid enough to leave evidence lying around. He had cheated on her, hadn't he? He remembered Lena's soft, pale skin, and he remembered the big bed in their apartment . . . the memory was a blur of blonde hair and red hair and blank pantyhose and a silky nightgown, and blue eyes and red hair, and . . . his mind was so confused. How could he have betrayed Kaena like this? Hadn't it been bad enough when that Nifei girl had kissed him on that trip? He had been unwilling then, but it took more than a moment of distraction to have sex with somebody else in your fiancées bed! He clutched his head and bent over himself.

Taka knew he had to get a grip. He went to the bathroom and washed his face. He stared at his face in the mirror, with his dark greenish hair and blue eyes and knew that he had betrayed her. But he could never betray her. He loved her, and he had waited so many years for her, and she was his priestess, and the woman of his soul, the one unlike any other, but in a weak moment, he had been seduced . . . or had he been so scared, scared about how fast things were moving, scared about the wedding, that he had betrayed them by seducing Lena? Surely friendly, sweet Lena would never have come onto him like that if there hadn't been a first time, would she? But Taka knew he was a coward, knew he had seduced Lena, and she had mistaken his kindness for advances, and now it was on film. Was the last time on film, too? But it couldn't be, because there wasn't a last time!

Taka's thoughts were a jumble, and his eyes were wild and red and there was a dark aura all around him, smothering him, holding him underwater until he could struggle no more. He didn't know what had happened tonight, or before, but somehow he knew what had happened. Somehow, he knew he had betrayed her.

...

Kaena knocked softly on Marsden's door. He stood up to answer it, and gave her a puzzled glance as if he wasn't sure what she could want with him, but then smiled politely and ushered her inside. She slipped in and leaned against the wall.

"It's Kaena, right? What brings you here?" he asked curiously. Kaena felt there might have been an edge of pain beneath the polite exterior, but admitted to herself that she might have simply been projecting her own anxiety on him. Truth be told, she didn't know who else to turn to. The fact was that she had become increasingly suspicious that Taka had cheated on her, but didn't know who to ask. Taka had denied it once, and asking him again seemed a little crazy, even though she knew she wasn't imagining his distance, both emotional and physical, and the fact that he was acting suspicious.

"I-" she paused. It wasn't fair to burden him with this. She had already heavily burdened him with the knowledge of what he had done last year. "No reason. I just wanted to see how you were doing after I dumped all that information on you."

He obviously knew it was a lie before it came out, but he played along. "That was kind of you. I'm doing fine. Would you like to take a walk?"

"A walk?"

"Outside this building. It's that thing people do when they put one foot in front of the other, usually with a particular destination in mind," he grinned at her. "They don't let me go out without an escort. I don't know what they think I'm going to do, but until I can prove my competence, I'm stuck. Funny thing is, they don't give me many opportunities to test it. It's almost like somebody wants me here under lock and key."

Kaena wondered if Luke had anything to do with that. "I can talk to them about it, if you want. I'm not your guardian or anything. Wait, aren't you your own guardian now? It's not like you're under age or something."

"But people who are deemed mentally incompetent can, and are, held against their will in well-meaning institutions such as this one."

Marsden was leading them now, through the corridors and outside to a courtyard with a wide path around a tall garden. "You seem pretty competent to me."

"Thank you. I think they think I'm a danger to myself now. And I was so close to being discharged. Damn, I should have kept my mouth shut."

"About what?"

Marsden sighed. "I don't want to burden you with it. You seem burdened enough today."

Kaena raised her brows at him. She didn't know if he was astute or if she was simply transparent, but she tried to school her face not to show so much. "I'm fine. Tell me what's going on."

"Well, after your last visit, I've been a little depressed. I mentioned to my neurologist that I was a terrible person and that I thought the world might be better off without me. He took that as a suicide threat and put me on a 48 watch and made up some cock and bull about my memory taking a turn for the worst to keep me from being discharged thereafter."

"Why did you say that?" she watched his face carefully. His brown eyes were as heavy as the stone benches they were strolling past. It was really too hot to enjoy a walk outside, but Marsden didn't seem keen on going inside.

"Because it's true. I did some terrible things, and it seems like I was just a selfish, miserable human being overall. Luke is always saying how much nicer I am now, which of course implies that I wasn't nice to begin with. It just sucks!" he ran his fingers through his dark hair, which was a little too long to suit him. "All I know about myself is the things people have told me, and it seems like the few people who have bothered to see me only came out of curiosity or obligation. They didn't like me. They don't like me now. At least before I was an asshole, but I was an asshole with an identity. Now I'm just a body without a past, without use, just . . . without."

Kaena stopped in a shady spot and sat down on a bench, motioning for Marsden to sit beside her. He did so reluctantly, looking over at her. He was absolutely miserable, and she felt for him, because she had caused this. Maybe it would have been better not to tell him. "You weren't a horrible person. You weren't a saint, either, but who is?"

"Can you tell me about myself? You seem like an objective person. I don't want some exaggeration. I just want to know what your experience was."

"That's complicated. There was a lot going on, then, and I don't know how helpful it will be in boosting your mood."

"I don't want you to boost my mood. I just want some identity."

Kaena nodded. "We met at orientation at University of Chicago. You were a few years into your program when I started, but you were involved in showing the new students around and introducing us to professors. I thought you seemed like a bit of a kiss ass at first, but then I just thought you were creepy. At first, it was just normal creepy, like I was kind of used to getting from eager males who think all I am is a pair of breasts, but then you started to follow me or appear where I was mysteriously."

"Great, I was a stalker, too."

She waved him off. "You did kind of help me get oriented, though, despite your creepiness, and you drove me home once during the first week when I had missed the train and didn't want to walk home in the dark. Or almost home. I didn't actually tell you my real address, for obvious reason. But you were always full of useful information about people in the department, and despite your creepiness, I didn't actually feel unsafe around you. I sensed that you had some power, and thought maybe that was why you were following me around like a lost puppy. Like draws like, you know.

"After I reunited with Taka, you asked me to see a concert with you. I think you compelled me with your magic. Later, we were making out in your car, and I'm pretty sure that's what was going on, too. No offense, but I wasn't really into it. After that, Taka and I sort of became an item, but you came to train with us, and I didn't really hate you. I didn't particularly like you, but you were all right, kind of like a cool freshmen to a senior. Sorry, I know that's not a very flattering picture. Of course, all this time you had been trying to kill Taka, you had poisoned my father and had the nerve to stand in his hospital room with me looking at him like he was a bug, or at least an inconvenience.

"But I did think that maybe under whatever was wrong with you, there was a kind person. You had never really demonstrated your attachment to anybody in my presence, until the night your mother and sister died. You came to my apartment, I guess with nobody else really to turn to, and you just cried, and I held you. You were vulnerable, stripped of all arrogance and pretension and creepiness—you were just a man who was hurting. It was soon after that you kidnapped me and lost your memory."

"I sound like a real winner."

"I don't know what to tell you."

"So I was creepy and erratic, murderous, underhanded, and a brown noser."

"But helpful, when you wanted to be. And you did care about people. I think you even cared about me a little, even though that was overwhelmed by hatred."

Marsden folded over on himself, his hospital slippers scraping against the pavement, hands over his face. "So that's who I was."

"I don't know why that matters. You're not that now. That's why She took your memory; to give you the chance to be something else, to be what you were meant to be, not mired down by anger and memories. You aren't like that anymore. You seem polite, and concerned, and even funny, when you're not moping."

"Yeah. Yeah, thanks," he said. He didn't look like their conversation had resolved anything, but he pushed it aside and turned to her. "It's your turn. What's bothering you?"

Kaena gazed at the pink and red tulips and bit her lip. She didn't want to burden him with this, but she had to talk to somebody. She couldn't bring it to her seishi, because she didn't want to cause a rift, and she certainly couldn't tell her mother! That was just weird. Her father would probably try to kill Taka, and Rowan just had enough problems of her own. "I think Taka is cheating on me."

"What makes you think that?" his tone was professional and courteous.

"I found a pair of pantyhose in our bathroom that didn't belong to me or anybody else who's stayed there. There was also the stain on his shirt. I thought it was some sort of sauce, but maybe it was lipstick. And he's been working late more nights than not, even canceling our dates to work. He's a teacher and it's summer—there's just not that much to do! And he acts suspicious when I do chance to run into him. He doesn't talk to me anymore, doesn't touch me . . . we haven't had sex in two weeks."

"Is that strange?" Marsden's brows shot up.

"Uh, yes."

"Maybe he's just got cold feet about the wedding?"

Kaena shook her head. "No, he had cold feet before. He was antsy, nervous, but still excited. This is like dark dread. He doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. Why is he marrying me if he's going to hop into some other woman's bed? If he's that unhappy, I don't want him to marry me. Could he feel obligated? Maybe he feels like he owes me, or my parents."

"It's hard, not really knowing him," Marsden said. "But have you talked to him about it?"

"I tried, when I asked about the pantyhose."

"But I bet you asked questions that sounded accusatory, right? I'm not saying you were wrong to, but that's not the best way to get him to open up. If there's something else going on, being accused of cheating will only make him more insecure. Why haven't you talked to Luke or your parents about this?"

"It's complicated," she said flatly. "It's a bad idea."

"Too close to the problem?"

She nodded. "I guess it's not that complicated. So I should talk to him. What should I say? I just want to know if there's something that I did to push him away. I'm good at pushing people away. It's a special skill. Or maybe if he's nervous, or not ready, or if he doesn't love me anymore." Or never did. The idea crushed her. The strange child, the strange woman, always too unusual, and always alone. She didn't think she could bear it.

She swallowed hard, and felt tears welling up from within her. It was like she was eleven, and he had told her she was wonderful and then run away to America all over again, except she had given herself to him fully this time, and the thought of being ripped away from him was agonizing. She cursed herself for crying, but the sobs came nonetheless. Marsden scooted next to her and wrapped his arms around her. She wept against his chest, and he held her, whispering soft assurances, which she desperately needed.