Chapter 10 - Back to Work

Kate put her poker face firmly in place during the ride up to homicide. All she wanted was to make it to her desk and, hopefully, disappear for her shift. Fat chance. She was sure the incident with Alexis had been cheerful grit for the rumor mill since Monday morning. If she got through the day without a breakdown or slapping someone silly she would be incredibly lucky.

Even though she had tried to time her arrival before most of the crew, she was a bit surprised to see the light on in Captain Gate's office at 7am. Figuring this was as good a time as any, she pulled the Dr.'s note for her absence the day before - even though Gates had basically told her not to come in. It never hurt to cover yourself, and the person doing you a favor. Kate walked to the office door and knocked. At Gate's signal, she opened the door and walked in.

"Sir, I wanted to give you this work permit," she said as she handed it over. To her credit, Gates gave no indication she was surprised to see the name of one of the department's psychiatrists' on the sheet. She had read Beckett's personal file, and knew she had seen him before. She was also wise enough to figure her star detective had hit a rough patch and was not going to kick her while she was down, so to speak.

"I hope you're feeling better, Detective," she said, acting as nonchalant as though it were a minor office visit. She also knew Beckett wanted to keep things private.

"Yes, sir. I'm getting there, I will have some follow up visits, but I won't let it get in the way of my work," Beckett assured her.

"That's what I'm afraid of," Gates told her seriously.

"Sir?" Beckett was stumped as to what her captain meant and her expression showed it.

"Sit down, please. We need to talk." After Beckett had seated herself somewhat uncomfortably in the chair in front of the desk, Gates resumed. "What I mean is, there are some things that cannot be - swept under the rug," she said with a sweeping motion of her hand. "You stood on a bomb, Detective. For 8 hours! You and Mr. Castle could very well have died that day. That is a lot to deal with, no matter how strong you are," Gates explained. "Good grief," she thought, "it's like trying to explain myself to my children!"

"Please, Sir, I cannot just stay home…" she stopped talking when Gates held up her hand.

"I'm not saying you should. However, you do have some issues you need to deal with. I want you to work on some files for me. There are a number that need to be updated in the computer data base. It should take you a week to do what I have in mind. After that, we'll talk again."

"Yes, Sir," Beckett nodded. She knew very well she could be cooling her heels at home until Burke and Gates agreed she had pulled herself together. She would take the assignment. As she turned to leave, Captain Gates stopped her, "Detective, I do have a question, if I may?"

"Of course, Sir," she said, but on the inside she thought, "Ok, here it comes."

"What did you decide about the job offer from the Justice Department? I'm just curious."

Of all the possible questions, she hadn't been expecting that one, though she should have, she guessed. She had actually figured Gates wanted to know about the incident with Alexis. Frankly, that one would have been easier to answer.

"I..I just don't know, Sir. I know it's a great opportunity, the kind that only happens once in a lifetime, but I'm torn." Beckett tried to put her thoughts in order, but couldn't seem to.

"Well, I know everyone has been saying what they think you should do. What you have to consider is what decision you can live with," Gates told her. Beckett was surprised to hear Burkes words echoed back to her from when she was deciding what to do about the letter. Hide it and maybe let Bracken be killed, or turn it in and catch his stalker.

Beckett nodded, "Thank you, Sir. I'll certainly keep that in mind."

"Very well, Detective. Dismissed."

Beckett walked back to her desk to find two stacks of files there. She was sure if she made it through them before the end of a week, Gates would find more. When she tamped down her natural resentment for paperwork, she felt gratitude toward the woman for giving her the time and space to get herself together…And this wasn't just busy work, it sincerely needed to be done, which lessened the sting a bit. A small bit.

She had been working about half an hour when Esposito exited the elevator. He hesitated a fraction when he saw her at her desk then continued on toward his own. "Hey, Beckett," he called as he went by. He pulled off his jacket and slung it across the back of his chair. He grabbed up his coffee cup and headed to the break room. He stopped at her desk and pointed at her empty mug. "I'm grabbing a cup, you want me to fill yours while I'm at it?"

Beckett started to say yes, then she remembered her new restrictions. "Actually, I'm cutting back on the caffeine." She reached into her purse and pulled out a box of herbal tea. "But if you don't mind, can you get me some hot water?" she asked as she dropped a bag into her mug.

"Sure. Sure. No problem. Be right back." Esposito managed to get the words out without choking. He tried to casually walk on into the break room before he pulled out his phone as soon as he was out of sight of her desk.

"Bro!" he texted Ryan. "We got a Beckett impostor here!"

"?" Ryan sent back.

"Hot tea, no caffeine!"

"You don't think she hit her head, do you?"

"Think something to do w/ out yesterday."

"K. B thr in 15."

Esposito put away his phone and set about getting his coffee and Beckett's tea. He shook his head. As much coffee as she usually drank in a day she was either going to pass out asleep on her desk, or crash on the couch with a migraine. And with either one there was always the lovely possibility of her turning into a snapping, snarling badger. Maybe they would get a body….

Beckett glanced up as Espo put her mug beside her keyboard and thanked him before returning to the file open in front of her. She was using a ruler under the lines on the form and comparing the information to the computer file, making corrections to the database as needed.

After Ryan arrived, he and Espo watched her surreptitiously as they finished their own paperwork. The case just closed had to be entered into the database, and the paper copy had to be completed and signed off on as well. Sure it was a duplication of information, but one lightning strike or fire could potentially destroy thousands of files. And, a hacker might change the electronic copy, but the archived file was another matter.

"What is she working on?" Ryan enquired softly.

"Don't know," he whispered back. "She was going through those files when I got here. She seems to be comparing them to the database. That's a rookie job. Or, a 'you screwed up' job."

"Huh. Think we can get her to tell us what's going on at lunch?" Ryan asked.

"Maybe. Let me text Lanie and see if she'll go with us. Think we're going to need backup on this one, bro." Esposito pulled out his phone and sent a quick text to the morgue. In a few minutes, Lanie responded back that she would be able to get away, and would be more than happy to help ambush her friend.

Lunchtime finally rolled around and the boys couldn't stand it any longer. They walked up to Beckett's desk with every intention of taking her to lunch, even if they had to drag her out to do it. Beckett wasn't really in the mood to have company or to eat, but figured it would be a distraction from her own thoughts, knowing the quiet would make it harder to think. She grabbed her jacket from the back of her chair and her purse from the desk drawer before heading out with the guys. Lanie had agreed to meet them at a new Italian buffet that had just opened not far from the station. Beckett had insisted on the restaurant for a simple reason - she and Castle had never eaten there, so there were no memories.

After they had gotten their plates and were seated at a table in the back of the restaurant, they made small talk as they started on the meal, commenting on this and that. Finally, Lanie stretched her leg across under the table and tapped Esposito on the shin. He took the hint, and a large swallow if his cola. "So, Beckett, what're you working on today? Looked like Gates has you up to the nose in files."

"Yeah, well, if you stacked them up I think they would be over my head!" she responded with an attempt of humor. Her face dropped the grin and she looked down with intense interest at her plate, poking her fork at her spaghetti. "Seriously, though, I'm glad she's letting me stay at the precinct instead of making me stay home, you know, after everything that happened the other day." It was obvious she wasn't ready to open up - the question was whether to push or wait. "If a body drops, you'll have to do without me for a week." She looked up at the boys and attempted a smirk, "Think you can handle it without me holding your hands?"

Esposito snorted, "As if!"

Ryan, always the more quiet of the two, said softly, "We've got your back, you know. Whatever you need, just let us know."

Kate's eyes misted a bit at his quiet declaration of support. Her unofficial family - two brothers and a sister, if she were to be honest with herself. How could she have considered leaving her support system? All she could do was nod her assent. She wasn't ready to try to explain her relapse, and how she had basically pushed Castle away with her emotional freeze. Lanie, sensing Kate needed a moment to recover from their moment, asked Ryan how Jenny was doing with her morning sickness. And the ball was rolling with anecdotes and home remedies morphing into horror stories of wives breaking their husbands hands while in labor, as well as letting the entire floor know what they had done and what was NEVER happening again. The laughter was free wheeling and sooner than they realized it was time to head back.

Beckett finished the file in front of her and placed it on the "Out" stack to go to the records storage area. This one had been missing a lot of information in the data base and had taken over 2 hours to complete. She arched her back in her chair, stretching the tired muscles before reaching for the next file. She started when her hand landed on skin instead of folder.

"Sorry, Detective, didn't mean to startle you." Gates sounded more amused than apologetic, actually.

"That's okay, Sir. Did you need something?"

"Actually, yes. You can go home. It's 7pm. You've done enough for one day. These files will be here in the morning."

"B.." Beckett tried to plead her case. Even though she was sure there was an unending supply of paperwork - wasn't that just the way - she really didn't want to face going home.

"No buts. Goodnight, Detective," Gates said before turning to head back toward her office.

"Yes, Sir. Goodnight," Beckett called knowing 'resistance was futile". "Ugg! I sound like Castle!" she thought. She grabbed her coffee cup and headed to the break room to wash it out. (Only once had she left it sitting only to return the next morning with a roach enjoying the leftovers. Actually, that was the cup before this one. That one was at the bottom of a landfill.)

After taking care of that, she shut down her computer and grabbed her things and made her way to the elevator, wondering what she wanted for supper, effectively pushing aside the ache of missing him.

An hour after leaving the station, she unlocked her door and entered the dark, silent apartment. She put her salad on the counter and went to change. She took off her heels and put them on the shoe rack in her closet. She quirked a grin when she remembered searching an apartment and Castle remarking the woman had more stilettos than she did. Her dress slacks went on a hanger and her shirt and under things went into the hamper. Tomorrow she would need to wash clothes, but not tonight. She was just too tired - yeah, day one of no caffeine.

Her favorite pajamas were in the hamper, so she pulled out an old, well-worn tank top and a pair of knit shorts. They would do to sleep in tonight. Her skin felt sensitive for some reason, and the soft cloth felt comforting. She threw on a lightweight robe and was ready to go.

With a sigh she returned to the kitchen and picked up her salad container; it was the only thing she thought she could keep down tonight in the dark and empty apartment. She stirred up the dressing and toppings while listening to messages on her machine - a reminder about her next appointment with Burke, the Times wanting her to subscribe, and finally her dad. Since the fight, blow-up?, with Castle, her dad had started calling more often just to leave a short message for her to find when she got home. "Hey, Katie! Just wanted to check in and make sure we're still on for brunch Saturday morning at 11:30. If anything changes, let me know. Love you! Bye".

She had to smile at his message. Yeah, her life might be going down the toilet, but her dad still loved her. That had to count for something, right? Her lip started to tremble. She closed the clamshell and stuck it in the refrigerator. Propping on the counter, she let the tears roll. When she finally stopped crying, she was sitting on the floor in the corner of the cabinets. She just didn't think she could do this alone, but the only person to share it with was gone…somewhere. Slowly, Kate pulled herself back to standing and staggered back to the bathroom. Picking up the pill bottle beside the sink, she took one. The pills for sleeping she looked at for a few moments before taking one out and breaking it in half. If that didn't do it, she would take the other half later. She crawled into bed and let the tears take her again.

Thus began her week on restriction.

I don't want to go day by day, just give a taste of what the week will bring for Kate. She does have some evening plans to get away from the apartment, and I'll get to those as they happen. Thank you to those who are following. I'm really touched. And thank you to those who have taken a moment to express their thoughts on the story. It really encourages me. Thank you, again. BTW - did any one get the corgi and tabby reference? If you haven't read the Mrs. Murphy mysteries by Rita Mae Brown, I highly recommend them.