Chapter Ten: Advice

Mal's P.O.V.

The Australian looked at me confused. "Advice about what?" He asked.

I grinned. "Girls."

"Ohhhh... This smells like trouble. What gal are you thinkin' of?"

I grabbed the collar of his shirt and said, "Just tell me what you know, shrimp." I put emphasis on the word, imitating him.

His eyes grew wide, but quickly narrowed to match mine. "Fine. But if somethin' happens, yer takin' the blame."

I smirked and let go of his shirt.

"Okay, the main thing is that gals like romance. You gotta get her flowers, take her out to dinner, maybe even have some candle light. Oh, and never forget to open a door for her. The gals love that."

I almost threw up. Manitoba noticed, saying, "I know it's very cheesy, but hey, it's what they like."

I sighed. "Alright."

I left him alone to find Chester. I'm sure he would know something, being so old. I found him in the Main Brain reading a book. I had a devilish idea to score the piss out of him. I quietly snuck up behind him, leaned down next to his ear, and yelled, "CHESTER!"

He screamed and threw his book in the air as I was trying to keep myself together from laughing so hard.

"Oh, you knucklehead! All you darned kids are always picking on one another! You should be ashamed of yourself! Oh, if I ever have to et my hands on you, I'll wring your neck like there's no tomorrow! No respect! Oh!..."

I was cracking up like a madman and couldn't make out the first sentence. While i was laughing, Chester stood hunched over, leaning on his cane, and waited for me to finish. Once I had, he hit me on my head with his cane, saying, "Are you done, yet?"

I rubbed my head, glaring at the old man. "Yeah, yeah, I'm done. Look, just tell me what you know about women."

"Why would you want to know about women? You're too young for love. What are you, fourteen?"

I rolled my eyes. "Sixteen."

"Oh. You look too young for love. Back in my day, we all got married at fifteen- oh."

I mumbled, "Idiot," then said, "YOU were married?" I almost laughed again.

"Of course I was! It was a cold, winter day, a long time ago. She was a beauti-"

"Okay, no. I'm not going so sit around listening to some crack-pot old fool telling me about his love life. Thanks for nothing, gramps," I said. I waved him off and left the room.

Maybe I'll have better luck with the ladies man, Vito. I found him lifting weights in the same room as Svetlana practicing her gymnastics. To my advantage, they were already talking about girls. Well- more like arguing over them. I saw no need to interrupt, so I planted myself on the dumbbells rack and listened in.

"You see? *grunt* The ladies like the abs. Why do you think I'm shirtless? *grunt* Other than to show off my smokin' hot body."

Svetlana scoffed, making another back flip. She landed on her feet, saying, "Zee, zat's vere you're vong. Ve vomen do not alvays care vor looks. You must be kind to zem. Look zem in ze eyes. My kind ov man vould be a true , gentleman. Alzo, I'm a competitor, zo I like a man viz a zense ov challenge."

"Ya mean like me." Manitoba Smith popped in, pointing to himself. He smirked, I gagged, Svetlana giggled.

Vito threw his weights to the side, saying, "Ey yo, please. I'm better at challenges than you, Manny."

Manitoba looked taken aback. "I could take ya down anytam, ya little wombat."

Vito stood and got in the fighting stance. "Oh you wanna go? Fine, let's rumble!"

Much to my displeasure, Svetlana came in between the two and stopped the fight that was so close to happening. I groaned loud enough for them to hear me. They all glanced over my way, apparently not knowing I was there the whole time.

I stood up from my roost and said, "You're all a bunch of dumbasses." I left after that.

I walked to my room to sit on my bed. I was staring at my white floor as I took in all of the information I just gathered. Be romantic, buy flowers, candle lit dinners, hold open doors, show kindness, keep eye contact, and be a true gentleman? I almost screamed, but pounded my head instead. This was all too much to take in. I can't do all of this crap! It's too... nice. I shuddered at the thought of me being nice. But if I was going to win her over from the bug-eyed weirdo, I was going to have to start somewhere. Maybe I could handle eye contact.

'My turn, Mike,' I thought. I stole control over from him just in time to hear the door knock. I groaned again, ready to give my infamous death glare to Mike's mom. 'When is she ever going to leave me alone?'

As I reached the door, I threw it open and gasped. "Zoey."