The Killer In Me

An hour after Derek leaves, Stiles is still sitting on his bed, head in his hands.

It's not that he's regretting his decision necessarily - things would have been much more stressful and complicated had his father found out - but things just feel... Off. It's weird, knowing that a certain part of your life is over, door closed for good. It's weird, knowing that someone it gone from your life, most likely never to be seen again, even if that person did try to kill you.

He stands in the exact spot that Derek had hugged him for a good ten minutes after he leaves through the window, just staring ahead, waiting for him to come back, but he doesn't. It isn't until then, that he realizes that things are really done. No more worrying about the alpha pack - the constant threat every time he goes somewhere alone. No more struggling to figure out why he trusted Derek so much - why he didn't run to the police the second that the man who tried to kill him showed up in his room. Things are finally done. He can go back to his normal life, hanging out with Scott, going to lacrosse practice, trying to convince Lydia to date him already...

Part of him isn't sure if he wants that or not, and he can't decide if that's a good thing or a bad thing. But either way, things are done. No going back.

So an hour after Derek leaves, Stiles is sitting on his bed, head in his hands, trying to sort everything out in his head. Trying to figure out why he feels longing for Derek - why he's wishing that he would have kissed him before he left. He's also toying with the idea of telling Scott that everything is done - that they have nothing to worry about - when his phone rings.

When he pulls it out of his pocket and sees Scott's name on the screen, he can't help but smile a little to himself. Well that answers that question. "Hey man, I was just about to call you," Stiles answers, sitting up a little straighter, as if Scott could see him through the phone. He puts on a mask, just like he has been for the past few months.

"Stiles?"

And then his breath catches in his throat. He pulls the phone away from his face to make sure that it really was Scott calling him - and yup, there's his name - before putting it back to his ear. It's Scott's number, but the voice on the other line is most certainly not Scott's.

"D-Derek?" Stiles stutters out, heart racing now because why does Derek have Scott's phone?

"Stiles," He breaths out again on the other end, and if Stiles isn't mistaken, it actually sounds like his voice is a little shaken.

"What's going on?" Stiles asks quickly, mind jumping to conclusions, "Where's Scott? Is it the alpha pack? I thought you took care of them-"

"He's alright, he's here," Derek replies, voice empty, "Stiles, I need you to come."

"I want to talk to him," Stiles demands, now standing and pacing his room.

And on cue, Scott's voice is suddenly in his ear. "Stiles," He sounds panicked, "I'm sorry, I'm an idiot, I need you to get to Derek's, please."

"What's going on?" Stiles begins panicking too, at the sound of Scott's worried voice.

"Come to my house," Derek says, back on the line, "Hurry."

And then the line goes dead.

Stiles stands in shock for a moment in the middle of his room, phone in hand, before moving quickly, grabbing a coat and his car keys. He's about to leave his room, hand on his doorknob, when he looks back, eyes landing on his dresser, and time freezes. He's torn for a moment - he's not even sure if he really needs it and he sure as hell doesn't want to have to fire it - before he lets go, running to the dresser and opening the top drawer. His hands are shaking as he digs through clothes before landing on the cool metal. And his hands are shaking as he grabs the gun and heads out the door.

Thankfully, his father is already asleep, and though Stiles knows it's stupid - what if he doesn't come back? What if something awful happens and his dad doesn't know where he is? - he foregoes waking him up. He doesn't want to worry him more than he has to. Instead, he rushes out the front door, gun in hand, and to his jeep.

As he pulls away and begins driving - speeding - away from his house, Stiles realizes that the truck that's usually parked down the street (the hunters that Chris had hired to keep a watch on the house) is gone. That worries him even more.

And even though it's been over a year since he's made the drive - over a year since the last time he was at Derek's, that fateful day that he found the journal - he remembers exactly how to get there. He's on the home stretch, deep in the woods, in about half the usual time it takes him to get there. And when Stiles finally pulls into the clearing - when he's finally looking at that old house - his heart practically stops because there's a car out front, one he doesn't recognize, and next to it is that familiar truck.

Oh, god...

Stiles kills the engine and gets out of the car, gun heavy in his hand as he walks quietly up to the porch. His heart sinks even more when he shines his flashlight forward and realizes that the front door is hanging open. He has to take a few deep breaths before walking through.

"Derek?" He calls out quietly. He takes a moment to let his eyes adjust to the darkness, even with the light of the flashlight, and listens for any movement. In that moment, he sort of wishes that he was a werewolf. At least he'd be able to hear something - a breath, a movement, a heartbeat - anything.

When he doesn't hear anything, however, he takes his chances and ventures onward, flashlight and weapon raised. "Scott?" He tries calling, voice still low, for fear of whatever threat is in the house hearing him. He's assuming it's another werewolf, in which case it's probably heard him already, but oh well. Better safe than sorry, he supposes.

It isn't until he's in the living room that Stiles sees the first body. It's his foot that comes in contact with it first, and when he shines his light down at it, he drops it in surprise, even crying out at the realization of it, hand coming up to cover his mouth. After a long moment of staring blindly into the darkness, Stiles musters up enough courage to pick up the flashlight and shine it down at the body. He immediately recognizes it as one of Chris' men, torso torn open, and feels his chest tighten. Maybe he should have told his dad after all. He's not equipped to deal with this...

So much for things being over...

Stiles continues onward after taking a few deep breaths, hands shaking.

"Scott?" Stiles manages to call out again, voice timid and small, and this time, he gets a response.

It's just a throat clearing, but it causes Stiles to spin around, and then he almost regrets that he did. He must have missed them when he was staring at the body, because just inside the living room, off to the right, is Derek, and Scott is in his arms. Or well... More like, Scott is in his grasp.

Derek is half shifted when Stiles shines his light on him, claws and teeth out but face and the rest of his body the same and it sends a thrill of terror through Stiles' body because that's how he looked when he tried to kill him.

Derek is holding Scott still, one arm across his chest and one across his throat and it looks like he's struggling not to do something stupid. Though judging by the body, he already did. Stiles swallows hard, immediately regretting letting Derek go. Regretting not telling his father the second that he showed up.

"What's going on?" Stiles manages to whisper, gun and flashlight still pointed straight ahead despite his shaking hands. It looks like Scott had been crying, but had long stopped before Stiles arrived, trying to put on a brave face.

"I'm an idiot," Scott manages to get out, voice small. Derek is apparently speechless, so he takes it upon himself to talk, "I should have come to you or your dad. I didn't... I didn't know what I was getting myself into. I'm sorry."

"Derek," Stiles says, taking a step forward, looking from his best friend to the man holding him, "What is going on?"

"I followed him here," Scott says, sniffling as if he's about to start crying again and that hits Stiles hard because he's never seen Scott look so weak, in all of his time knowing him. "I was eavesdropping at your house earlier and I heard him say that he was leaving. I - I couldn't just let the guy who tried to kill you leave. I just didn't know..." His voice wavers as he chokes back tears, "I'm sorry, Stiles."

And though he wants to respond to his best friend - wants to tell him that it's okay, that he forgives him - he can't because he's still staring at Derek, who hasn't even said one word yet. "Derek," He finally repeats, "I was talking to you. What's going on here?"

Derek takes a deep breath, eyes Still locked on Stiles, but doesn't say anything. And that's when Stiles snaps. "Answer me!" He screams, voice wavering, "I let you go, I trusted you, and now here you are, threatening my best friend and there's a body on the floor. A body, Derek! How do you explain that?"

Derek looks away at that, as if looking at Stiles hurts him and finally answers. "I snapped."

It's only two words, but they make Stiles' heart sink because he trusted Derek. He trusted him to do the right thing and leave. To do better than this. "Why?" He asks quietly.

Derek shakes his head, "If it would have just been Scott, it would have been different... But the hunters... They came in here. Attacked before we even had a chance to escape." He looks down to his right and Stiles follows his gaze, chest tightening when he sees another body, and then Peters, both lying on the floor. "They killed Peter."

"And then...?" Stiles asks, thought he already knows the answer.

"I snapped."

"Jesus..." Stiles mutters, running the hand with the flashlight through his hair, gun still pointing at them. "What did you expect me to do when I got here, Derek?" He glances down at Scott's scared face then back up at him, "He's my best friend."

"I know," Derek breaths, looking down at Scott. He seems to have calmed a little, but he's still holding tight onto Scott, refusing to let him go.

"Scott didn't know..." Stiles manages, looking to his friend for help.

"I didn't," Scott assures, speaking for the first time in a while. His voice is still panicked. "I didn't know that they were going to come in here guns blazing like that. I thought we were just going to catch you and wait till the police showed up. I just wanted things to go back to the way they were, I promise." It's the first time that Stiles has seen his best friend ramble like that - terrified - and it kills him.

"You don't have to do this, Derek," Stiles says softly, taking a couple of steps forward, "He didn't know. Just let him go."

"I can't," Derek replies simply, and if Stiles didn't know any better, he'd say that he was on the verge of tears.

"Why not?"

Derek takes a deep breath, looking up at the ceiling - and yup that's a move Stiles has used to stop himself from crying before, Derek is definitely trying not to cry - then their eyes meet again. "Because if I let him go, he'll tell your father. I can't keep running, Stiles. I can't rot in that cage. And I can't put you through that again."

"I won't tell him," Scott interjects, "I swear. Really." The plea reminds Stiles of his own, over a year ago, when he begged Derek not to kill him. I'll give it back, I won't tell anyone. I'll forget I ever read it.

He ignores Scott's pleas because he knows that they're useless on Derek. Especially now. "Then why did you call me here?" He asks, lowering his weapon. He knows that Derek isn't going to attack, not now, and hopes that maybe it will help.

In return, Derek takes another deep breath, tightening his hold on Scott. "You have to end this."

"W-What?" Stiles manages to stutter out. He knows what he just heard, but he's hoping it was wrong, that Derek didn't mean it, because...

"You need to put an end to it," Derek answers, shaking him out of his thoughts and confirming his fears, "You need to stop me. I tried, Stiles. I tried to be good, but I can't. I deserve this."

"Derek..." He mutters out. Part of him can't believe that he actually feels sorry for him - the man holding his friend hostage in front of him, who just killed two people - but then again, he's not surprised; not after everything that's happened between the two of them.

"I tried to make things right," Derek continues, voice trembling. And that breaks Stiles' heart, because in all the time he's known Derek, he's never seen him so vulnerable. "I tried, I really did, but this..." He looks around the room, "I didn't mean for this to happen, but it did, and it can't happen again."

"So you want me to kill you," Stiles says, voice numb. It's not a question. He knows very well what Derek is asking of him, he just needs to hear it. He needs the confirmation to know that he's not going crazy. If he's being honest, he kind of always foresaw it ending this way - it's kind of poetic, really - but he had been too stubborn to accept it. In a way, he still is. He still refuses to raise his weapon again, even though it's heavy in his hands, and he still refuses to believe it until Derek says it.

"Yes."

Stiles looks away, unable to match Derek's gaze. Not with the weight that's just been placed on his shoulders. "Why me?" He manages to mutter out.

"It has to be you," Derek replies, as if the answer is clear as day, "It's always been you."

"You can't just say that," Stiles spits, looking back at him. It's not fair. Stiles isn't a killer. His dad was wrong, he could never be a cop. He wouldn't be able to handle the responsibility of taking another life. It's too much. Especially Derek's. "Why me?" He repeats, voice cracking.

"It just has to be," Derek replies, voice pleading, "Please Stiles. For me." And Stiles is sure that Scott has a lot of unanswered questions right now. The main one probably being about the bond that the two of them share. The bond that Stiles isn't even sure how to explain.

"Just let him go," Stiles begs, "And I'll let you go."

Derek shakes his head, tightening his grip on Scott again, "I can't do that to you. I can't let you live with that guilt. What happens if I kill again? You'll hear about it and you'll never be able to live with yourself, knowing that you let me go. You need to end it. Now."

Stiles can't deny that argument, because he knows it's true. It was what he had been wondering about in his room earlier, but back then, he had been convinced that Derek had changed for the better. "How can you expect me to do that?" He finally asks, eyes bearing into Derek's.

"Because I'm asking you to," Derek replies simply, and that strikes something hard in Stiles, because Derek knows. He knows the hold he has on Stiles. He knows that, even after all of the awful things he's done, if he asks something of Stiles, he'll do it. It's manipulative and fucked up and Stiles should hate Derek for using him that that, but he still can't. Even now he can't.

"That's bullshit Derek!" Stiles yells, his voice echoing through the empty house, "That's not fair!"

Derek looks away again, avoiding Stiles angry eyes, which only fuels the fire. He knows what he's doing, and he can't even look him in the eyes. "I know. I'm sorry. I wish there was another way..."

"Derek-"

He shakes his head, "After everything I've put you through, you deserve to be the one to end it. Please." And there's the sad, self-loathing Derek Hale that Stiles knows...

"I can't," He replies, voice catching in his throat even as he still grips tight onto the gun.

"Yes you can," Derek argues, "You're stronger than you think."

"Derek..." Stiles pleads one last time, trying to find an alternative solution. Though it had been easy for Derek, over a year ago, to thrust his hand forward into Stiles' flesh with the intention of taking his life, it's not so easy for Stiles. Even knowing all of the horrible things that Derek has done - the things he's capable of doing - Stiles can't bring himself to even think about doing it. Even while Derek has his best friend in his arms, claws out, Stiles still can't do it.

"Stiles, please," Derek begs, and he knows in that moment that there isn't another option. Derek Hale - the man who was prepared to kill him just for the sake of self preservation - is standing in front of him, on the verge of tears, begging Stiles to end his life. It's in that moment that, no matter how much he may argue, Stiles knows that there isn't any other way. There never was.

"It's the only way?" Stiles asks, voice wavering. He already knows the answer, but he has to ask.

"Stiles-" Scott's voice breaks the silence for the first time in a while, eyes pleading. He doesn't want his best friend to have to go through with it. Even with Derek holding him, threatening his life, Stiles can tell that Scott doesn't want him to do it. He knows that it will break him, even without knowing the extent of Stiles and Derek's relationship.

"It's the only way," Derek confirms.

"But…" Stiles tries, one last ditch effort to change his mind. It's useless.

"I forgive you," Derek says, voice soft. A single tear rolls down his cheek as he looks up at Stiles, and he tries his best to shoot him a reassuring smile, "Please, just… Do it."

Stiles nods, attempting to swallow down the lump in his throat. His hands are shaking as he cocks the gun. "Let him go first," He says, nodding at Scott.

Derek nods, loosening his grip and letting Scott tumble forward. Scott takes a few hesitant steps toward Stiles. "You don't have to," He says softly, hands raised as if to take the gun from Stiles, "I won't tell anyone. We can say that Peter killed them-"

"Do it!" Derek yells, cutting Scott's sentence short. His teeth and claws are out again, eyes red.

"Derek..." Stiles pleads one last time, though he knows it's useless. He can feel the tears forming in his eyes, the sob catching in his throat.

"Stiles, Please!" Derek roars, voice desperate.

Then he's closing his eyes tight and pulling the trigger.

Within seconds of doing it - within seconds of Derek slumping to the floor - Stiles is dropping both the gun and the flashlight to the floor and lunging forward. Scott attempts to stop him, arms outstretched and catching Stiles as he tries to run to Derek, but he's met by Stiles fists, frantically punching at his arms and back. "Let me go!" He pleads, trying to push through Scott's superhuman strength, "Please, let me go."

And Scott either realizes that Stiles needs the closure or can't bear the pain in his best friend's voice anymore because he's letting go of Stiles at that, allowing him for fall forward onto the ground, crawling the rest of the way to Derek's slumped form, against the wall.

"Derek," Stiles murmurs once he's close enough. Without even thinking about it, he puts his arms underneath Derek's body, hoisting him upward. Derek winces in pain as he does so, and when Stiles looks down, he knows exactly why. The bullet pierced through his lower chest, just under his ribs, and the front of Derek's shirt is already soaked with blood. "Tell me what to do," He rushes out, panicked, "We can take the wolf's bane out of the bullet and fix you like last time. We can fix it, right?"

"The last one was just in my - ah - arm," Derek replies, wincing at Stiles moving beneath him, "It's alright, Stiles. It'll be over quick."

"Don't say that," Stiles pleads. He can feel the tears streaking down his own face, and if someone would have told him even a week ago, that he'd be crying over Derek Hale, he would have called them crazy. "We can fix this..."

Derek shakes his head, eyes closed tight in pain as he does so, "No."

"Derek..."

"Just go," Derek murmurs, eyes still closed, waiting for Stiles to leave him to die.

Stiles shakes his head frantically at that, even though Derek can't see him. Even now, Derek somehow still can't understand how someone could care for him. Even now, he waits for Stiles to leave him alone to die, and that breaks Stiles' heart. "I'm staying with you," He says softly. It's the least I can do.

Derek's eyes open at that, and Stiles is surprised to see that they're their natural color. Not red. "You're stronger than I was."

Stiles knows exactly what he's talking about - when he was laying on his bedroom floor, Derek standing over him, prepared to leave him to die alone - and closes his eyes, "Don't."

"We'll have matching scars now," Derek half-jokes, smiling up at Stiles, and that does it. Before he can even register what he's doing, Stiles is surging forward, pressing his lips hard onto Derek's. He doesn't kiss back right away, but when he does it's soft, unlike the last time they kissed. Gentle. Understanding.

Stiles doesn't care if Scott sees. He doesn't care if his best friend thinks he's crazy or stupid or gone insane, because if it's the last chance he has to do it, Stiles is going to give in. The past month of trying to reign in his emotions - struggling to figure out why he feels for Derek - all comes out in the kiss as he pulls them close together, gripping tight onto Derek's hair.

"I'm sorry," Derek breaths, once they finally pull apart, voice ragged. Their foreheads are pressed hard together - Derek is burning up, now - lips just barely brushing Stiles' as he speaks. Stiles can feel the blood soaking through the front of his shirt from where they're pressed together, but he can't bring himself to look - can't bring himself to pull away from him. Not now. Instead he keeps his forehead pressed into Derek's, eyes shut tight.

"I forgive you, Derek."

AN:

So, I've got a little dilemma here, and hopefully you guys can help me out.
Originally, this was supposed to be the last chapter. And I still don't mind ending the fic this way, because I feel like it's really come full circle and I don't want to cheapen it by writing or adding anything more, BUT (because I'm a weak little baby and can't bear to write a sad ending) I do have a draft an epilogue written, and I can post it if you guys want it.
I'd like to hear your opinions on the matter, though, because once again, I don't want to cheapen the end by adding more. If and when I do post the epilogue, it won't be part of this fic (it'll probably just be a standalone or something) in case there are any of you who wouldn't want to read it.

So... Opinions? Do you want to see the Epilogue?

Also, THANK YOU ALL FOR THE LOVELY REVIEWS ON THIS FIC. It's honestly been my favorite thing to write and I'm really proud of it, so I'm really glad you all like it, too! Thank you!

The Chapter title is from "Disarm" by The Smashing Pumpkins.