I drove much faster on the way back to the city that I had when I'd left and seemed hit every single pothole as a result. It didn't help that I spent more time watching my mirrors for signs of pursuit than looking at the road. On the outskirts of the city, I ran out of gas and abandoned the truck, shivering slightly as I jogged further towards downtown, where the apes had chosen to sleep. I was several blocks away when I let myself come to a stop, glancing behind me once more, eyes sweeping for any movement. There was nothing and I smiled as I turned back.

The smile left my face as I tracked three hulking figures strutting towards me, the white fur of the one on the right glowing in the moonlight. With a sigh, I crossed my arms and waited.

"Caesar... want... see... you," the one in front grunted slowly.

I frowned. "You found me. So can he." With that, I turned and stalked away, skirting around them towards the building I'd made my own nest in, having vacated the library at last.

The apes didn't move as I made my exit, but I heard some indistinguishable words from behind me, and the sound of heavy paws. I glanced back and saw two dark shapes moving off. Winter, the albino gorilla, was following me, eyes fixed on the ground as he picked his way over shadowy debris. My stomach clenched but I just turned away, making my way inside and up to the first floor, curling up on the pile of blankets I'd stashed in a dark corner and hugging my knees to my chest.

Winter followed more slowly, eventually crouching down in the shadows a few feet away. His fur still glowed, even in the darkness.

I averted my gaze and tried to convince myself that I didn't regret what I'd done. It was a very long night.

.

.

Dawn had broken when I heard movement in the stairwell, blinking my tired eyes as I tilted my head without lifting it away from the wall. Caesar emerged first, with Luca, Rocket and Blue Eyes behind him. I let my gaze dropped, turning away to continue my contemplation of the line of the wall. There was a snort and Winter heaved himself up, knuckling away. I listened to the remaining apes coming closer and closed my eyes. One more second of whatever peace still existed.

With a deep breath, I sat up straight, turning to face them and looking Caesar straight in the face. I did not look at Blue Eyes.

Caesar didn't speak right away but paced around a couple of times before coming to a halt in front of me. I waited, determined not to break the silence. I needed to know his stance before I could construct any sort of defence.

"You disobeyed."

"You never ordered me not to do it," I countered. My voice didn't shake but my hands, clenched in my lap, were trembling.

"Would it have stopped you if I had?"

I hesitated. "I guess we won't know."

Luca growled, a rumble deep in his chest that made me almost flinch, eyes dropping to the ground.

"You lost us a chance for an advantage," Caesar said, moving closer. "What did we gain?"

"Another chance for peace," I said, raising my eyes. "A chance to show them that you can be better." The word was a snarl and it hung in the air as I stared Caesar down.

He turned away first, signing to the others. They all hesitated, then Luca and Rocket left. Blue Eyes dithered some more, but I refused to look his way, and he slunk off as well.

Caesar turned back to me, moving closer than ever.

"Jac."

"Say it had played out your way," I said, after it became clear he wasn't going to say anything more. "They came back to the same place. You wait until you have the most advantage, when their guard is down, busy gathering their dead. Say they were unprepared enough that you kill them all." I glancing at him. "We put a lot of importance on bodies. It's not a good message to send, showing you don't respect their desire to reclaim their dead.

"My way, we show compassion. We show them we are more than what they expected. We send them a message, that we don't want to fight, that we just want them to leave."

Caesar shook his head slowly. "I never want attack blind. From behind back."

I sighed, rubbing my face. "But you couldn't have taken them back either. And they couldn't have known what you would do. You were both stuck. I had another option. I took it."

"Yes. You took it. You send message," Caesar said. "With no promise they will understand."

"They'll understand," I said, picking at my fingers. "They weren't all dead."

His eyes flared in understanding and for the first time, he looked truly angry. "And if those you save come back, hurt us more?"

I met his gaze. "I'm just trying to help," I said. It wasn't an answer and we both knew it.

He stood up. "If you've changed your mind," he said slowly, not looking at me, "I will say nothing. You can go to them. Safely. Or leave, like others."

"Don't do that," I said angrily. "That's not what I'm saying."

"Think," he said simply as he walked away.

"What do you want me to do?!" I shouted, coming to my feet.

"Choose a side," he said, without looking back.

"I already have!" I shouted, but he was gone.

Cursing, I turned away, aiming a kick at a piece of broken pipe. It went skittering away across the floor and my toes started throbbing. Cursing again, but more softly this time, I crouched down by an empty window frame, grinding my hands on the ledge and ignoring the pain.

A soft hoot behind me brought my head up and I sighed.

"Blue. Are you okay?"

He nodded. You okay? He signed at me.

I shrugged. "I think I need to be alone for a little while. I'm sorry."

He mirrored my shrug, reaching out to touch my shoulder before retreating back down the stairs.

Rolling over, I put my back to the wall, rubbing my painful finger, feeling the stitches over the scab. Caesar didn't know what he was talking about. I knew exactly which side I was on.

But are you committed to it?

I scowled at the implication of the thought. Of course I was committed. I'd risked my life to take Forest, McCullough and their companions back, and ensured they knew the reason why. What more did they want from me?

Maybe it's not about your life.

I went still as I remembered firing a gun wildly over my shoulder at the apes pursuing me as I fled the capitol building. I hadn't even stopped to think about the fact that I might hit one of them before I'd pulled the trigger. But I'd yet to shot at a human.

I'd aimed a gun at Carver with the intention of following through if he'd pushed me. I'd fired on the people from the colony who'd attacked the south end of the bridge. But that had been covering fire, unlikely to hit anyone. I'd never aimed a gun directly at a human and pulled the trigger. Because I hadn't had a chance to? Or because I couldn't?

I sat there for a long time. How many times had I woken in the middle of the night, or failed to get to sleep, the word 'murderer' running in circles around my head? My actions had undeniably caused death. Many deaths, in fact. Was the direct responsibility so different?

My head said no. My heart said yes.

My head told me that I couldn't swap sides even if I'd wanted to, not with the colonists there. My heart told me I would never forgive myself if I just left. Was there another option? In this harsh version of the world, was there even a middle ground to find?

.

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A/N: Sorry about the wait for this chapter. I was doubting the path this fic is currently taking (aka, the next chapter is hell, and you're all going to hate me for it), and so Jac stopped talking to me. She's just started whispering again, so I'm going to stick with it rather than try and shove her in another direction. So, yeah. Sorry about the break, and thanks for all of your reviews. They mean a lot.