Keeping Secrets

by MorbidPet17

Based on the promo for Forgiving Rollins

10. Chapter 10

Happy SVU Wednesday! Amanda will be back - yay! :)
Sorry it took me a while to update, a bit of writer's block but your reviews (indulged myself & read them all again) helped me along. It's the longest chapter so far so hopefully that will weigh up the wait a ltl ;)
I know my limitations and courtroom scenes just aren't my speciality so I hope you won't be disappointed the way I wrote it. I just don't know all the legal terms so I wouldn't be able to do it justice (pun intended). You'll get more of a resume so a lot of text coming up.
There's a glimmer of Rollaro in this chapter but the real Rollaro chapter is coming up, it will probably be the final chapter as well. I want to get back to my other fic & I'm also working on another Rollaro fic that follows the actual show. I don't necessarily like the way they chose to write Amanda's past history with Patton but it does open up for some, to me, lovely destructive twists & turns for everyone involved.
Happy reading! XO

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Chapter 10

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"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward." – C.S. Lewis

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The trial would be gruesome. And dirty, highly emotional with plenty of mud thrown and low blows with the only aim to hurt the people that went up against the self-proclaimed almighty deputy chief Charles Patton. He had plenty of character witnesses that buttered him up, made him sound like a saint with his long and notable work within the Police Department as well as the charity work for his church along with numerous contributions within and for the community of Atlanta.

The defense pulled no stops to discredit the two women that accused Patton of rape. They painted Reese Taymor as a ditzy, unintelligent blonde who couldn't do much more than bat her eyelashes at every man and she was never expected to last very long within the police department. They couldn't make up what wasn't there though, Reese came from a wholesome family and had close to no bones buried in her closet. She'd been expelled once from school and it was for rallying other students to protest against an injustice, bringing that up would only paint her in better light which Barba did of course.

So they had very little on Reese except for the fact she had consented to sleeping with her superior officer before the rape. Barba tried to focus on what Liv had dug up, that Reese in fact had been feeling very left out of the APD, close to feeling shunned by the squad, and that Patton had used that to get even closer to her. That he had preyed on her and then taken the step to a non-appropriate relationship with a subordinate.

Reese had her family supporting her in court, her parents, her brother and sister and even cousins showing up from Tampa to lend their support. It was needed as Patton had made sure he had plenty of supporters in the courtroom that kept trying to psych out the enemy. Reese would only be in the courtroom during her testimony, the rest of the time she spent at the hotel with her family.

They used the young, inexperienced and over ambitious card when it came to Reese. As for Amanda though they tried to use her family and mishaps against her and discredit her as someone who would do anything to keep her family name in the clear. Unlike Reese Amanda had none of her blood relatives in court but she had her family. Her squad closed rank around her.

Liv witnessed in her favor as well as a detective in Reese's rape case. Liv brought up successful cases that Amanda had help solve since she came to NY. She even brought up William Lewis, hadn't it been for Amanda he would've never gotten on their radar and even though Liv ended up hurt in the process it was still all worth it in the end as they'd gotten a vile, heinous rapist and murderer off the streets. Amanda had made that possible.

Liv made no attempts to cover up the gambling addiction, even mentioned it first just to get it out there. When Buchanan tried to make it sound like her addiction made her a liability for the police department Liv just answered calmly that Amanda had disclosed her addiction to their captain the moment it did become a possible liability and that she'd immediately accepted the help that was offered to her to come to terms with her addiction.

Of course the relapse was brought up by the defense but Liv just played it cool, said we all have set backs in life and especially when fighting addictions, and that ever since the relapse her addiction had been under control. When Buchanan tried to push that falling off the wagon once might be an indication it could happen again Liv just rolled with it and suggested that detective Rollins addiction could be seen as a result, a consequence, of the fact a superior officer sexually harassed and raped her and now that it was out there she could finally overcome her addiction. Buchanan snapped to have that stricken since 'Sergeant Benson isn't a psychiatrist' but the jury had still heard her.

Fin was called as well. It got clear to him that Patton had in fact been the one outside Amanda's apartment building that night and that had made her flee half way across the city. He put the pieces together as Patton's lawyer tried to make it sound like he and his partner in fact had a sexual relationship. That he'd spent nights at her apartment and vice versa. It had cost Fin some money to fix that scratch in his car but it was all worth it now seeing Patton's annoyed face and knowing he'd probably been so overwhelmed with jealousy that he'd stooped to childish methods. He was a pitiful excuse for a man.

It had been easy for Fin to fend of the accusation of a potential sexual relationship, it was simply not true. He told them his partner had felt stalked and he'd spent a few hours at her place keeping her company. It also gave him a way in to mention she had in fact been attacked by two men soon thereafter so she had in fact probably been right about someone following her.

As for any previous nights they might have spent in the same apartment it had just been as friends Fin stated. Buchanan pushed a little, as was expected, wanting to know if his partner had a habit of sleeping around as was the rumor back in Atlanta. Fin answered simply that it was not his assessment of his partner. He knew for a fact she had actually shot several of his buddies down as they tried to hook up with her, his friends had told him so.

Buchanan asked if maybe it had something to do with his race, that he didn't want to be rude but that maybe his partner shot him and his friends down because of blunt bigotry. Fin didn't bite though and just simply turned it around, asked if it wasn't Buchanan himself that was a racist for assuming all his friends were black. That was not the case and his partner was most definitely not a bigot.

Fin had no intention to bring Nick up and neither was Nick called so his name was never mentioned during the trial. Nate Davis was called though. Buchanan did his best to get it out there that Amanda had slept with her sponsor, someone that was in a way in a superior position at least within GA. Since it was of public records Nate couldn't deny it but he did all he could to not say anything more incriminating. He failed slightly though as he told about the encounter they had as Amanda fell off the wagon.

Liv, Fin and Nick all sat there as Nate told the court how he'd lent her money in an attempt to help her out in a perhaps unconventional but well-intentioned way. Of course Buchanan didn't leave it at that and dug until they learnt she'd slept with him again. Buchanan tried to sway it like she'd slept with him for money and it helped very little when Nate tried to deny it and stress that the two had a mutual attraction.

Nate got to redeem himself a little as Barba got the chance to cross-examine him. Barba knew that Nate was the first man Amanda had slept with after what happened in Atlanta. She hadn't admitted it easily in chambers but Barba was good at his job, read the signs and finally gotten there. She had after all given up only sleeping with two men since she came to New York.

Barba was glad Amanda wasn't in the courtroom as he pressed Nate for a few details about how they'd first gotten together. Amanda had told Barba she felt uncomfortable at first as she got together with Nate and Barba was a little pleased Nate seemed to have picked up on it. Nate told the court that he had to work hard to seduce her, almost to the point he'd thought about giving up. It wasn't anything he was proud of, his thirteen stepping, it had just gotten away from him, like a new addiction to replace the ones he was already recovering from. But he owned up to his undignified behavior since he knew it would benefit Amanda and he owed her that.

Nick sat in the gallery listening to Nate as he talked about Amanda's reluctance at first and her apprehension to go the distance. He felt the same discomfort as Liv and Fin felt, this was a private matter that Patton had forced to become public. Nick could see the smug grin on Patton's face. He was enjoying the public humiliation of Amanda way too much and Nick felt like punching him. He caught Liv glancing sideways at him and he eased the fist he realized that he'd clinched on his leg.

He'd tried to calm himself by taking a few deep but silent breaths and then forced himself to try and pay attention to what Nate was saying. But it was too uncomfortable and his thoughts wandered back to his own experiences with her. Their first time was a little blurry. They'd both been a little too drunk. Maybe it had been the wrong time but she'd been willing. He was sure she'd been willing.

There had been desire. Wild, steamy desire from both ends. Clothes had eagerly been shed, something had ripped, a button had been pulled and there had been a moment of spontaneous laughter that brought them apart for a while. But it had only been for a few seconds cause when they locked eyes again the desire took over quickly and the need to taste and breathe each other took over again and from what he recalled they hadn't let each other go after that until they both was in need of some space as their bodies came down from massive euphoria.

He couldn't help but smile at the memory. His head had been spinning, could've been because of the alcohol but he liked to think it was because of the rush. His entire body had tingled, his hard on starting to weaken because of the fact he'd just released himself inside of her. Inside of her. Looking over at her he had to reach out and touch her just to make sure it wasn't some wild and amazing dream. She'd been real. The skin on her upper arm so soft even with the slight coat of sweat covering her. He'd gone on to touch her hair, slightly damp as he got in further to her roots.

He'd fallen asleep while looking at her, his hand still entangled in her blonde curls. He'd woken up with his face buried in the back of her neck. The smell of her the first thing he acknowledge as he drew his first waken breath. And she'd smelled so good. Something raw, rough, with a hint of honey. Once he'd been able to focus his eyes he'd looked at a crease that had formed in the back of her neck the way she laid. That crease and the ruffled tresses that looked almost as soft as cotton at her hairline had been what he'd watched for several minutes as the rest of him started to wake up.

His arm had been draped over her, he was a little worried to move his hand, not knowing exactly where it rested. Getting a better sense of the room he realized Amanda was curled up at the very far end of the bed and he had followed her there. He was a little worried he'd chased her in their sleep, Maria had told him a few times that he crowded her in bed. It had been a while since he spent the night with a woman now and he could only imagine that his sleeping self might long for that companionship. Hell, his awaken self longed for that.

He'd been thankful there was a small void between their bodies as he started to feel a slight excitement growing down below as he thought of the night before. The way she'd tasted, how she'd felt under his touch, the way her insides had reacted to him entering her, the wetness, her warmth… He caught some air in the wrong pipe and had to cough which made her stir slightly. He tried to bite the cough down, wasn't ready for her to awake cause he just had a feeling there wouldn't be cuddling, probably no morning sex in prospect. Not that he knew if he was in any state to perform.

No, wrong on his account, he was definitely ready he realized as her stirring again caused her breast to brush up against the back of his hand. The bulb of it pressing against his skin as she sink her face in the pillow for a few seconds. The sheer thought of how her breast felt in his cupped hand, her erect nipple in his pinch and the sound it could produce from her mouth if he pinched it harder, pulled at multiple strings down below and when it looked as though she could roll back over he had to pull back, gathering some linen over his manhood and using his hand to push it down slightly.

She hadn't rolled over completely though, he'd gotten a sense the memories of the previous night had welled over her as she was about to and when reality hit she curled back up pulling the sheet closer to her chest. He'd whispered a morning, hoping to ease some of the embarrassment he imagined her feeling. She'd whispered one back and then it hadn't taken long until Frannie had pushed her way inside the bedroom, jumping up on the bed to spread smiles on both faces as the canine started to wag her tail.

Nick had felt an enormous sense of gratitude towards the dog for breaking the ice between them and he'd awarded her with plenty of rubs for it. Amanda had clutched the sheet to her chest all while she joined him in petting the dog. Once Frannie had gotten enough attention the awkward glances that went back and forth across the bed had made Amanda confess she'd been really drunk last night.

He'd helped her out by saying she wasn't the only one and they'd shared a slight chuckle. She'd been the next to speak, saying they should probably get going, she needed to take Frannie for a walk and he probably had to head home before shift started. She'd offered him to take a shower but he said he'd catch one at home. They'd been stuck there in bed for a while, none of them really ready to give up on the sheet but his chivalrousness finally won as he swopped holding the sheet in front of his lower parts to the pillow that had rested under his head previously.

He'd sat up, turned his back towards her slightly to give her the privacy to get herself up on her feet. Once he saw her sheet draped form standing by the bed out of the corner of his eye he turned back around trying to keep his eyes on hers and not down on the slits in the sheet that teased him with glimpses of her sweet skin. He'd seen her fight too, her eyes wanting to go down to his chest and maybe even further down.

Her cheeks had started to pink up as she'd finally said she was going to have a shower and suggested he might be able to let himself out. He'd nodded of course, yes he would let himself out. Okay good she'd answered as just a silent moment now felt awkward and she'd turned around making sure with a fumbling hand that the sheet was wrapped around her and didn't disclose any private parts of her body.

He hadn't been able to let her go with his eyes, the sight of her shoulder blades, her spine, and the memory of how they'd felt under his lips, his fingertips, as he'd taken an around-the-world tour of her body before they'd gotten down to business. She'd glanced back over her shoulder just as she'd closed the bathroom door behind her and caught him looking, the way she bit down on her lip once she did sending shivers through his entire body.

He'd gotten dressed as quickly as possible, Frannie not helping out by being around his legs constantly. She'd followed him out, looked at him with sad puppy eyes as he left her behind and it had made him feel guilty. Guilty for not taking her out on the walk she obviously was in desperate need of and guilty for bedding his partner. That just wasn't something he did, something one should do.

He had to stop at a gas station to use the bathroom and when his initial business was taken care of in the urinal he'd found himself jerking off inside that filthy restroom thinking about her and their escapades during the night. With a hand around himself and the other one planted against the greasy, stained wall he'd released himself with images of her etched to his corneas. He'd been so embarrassed and the uneasy feeling had followed him for days.

She'd obviously been feeling awkward too. None of them had mentioned what happened but none of them able to forget it either.

He'd tried to filthy it down, tried to brush it off like it was a one-time thing, just a quick fix after a stressful time for both of them. But he hadn't managed to. It hadn't been filthy. It had been a bit sloppy and fumbling, and probably not his best performance, because of the alcohol but they had both been satisfied, they had both gotten something out of it and after a few weeks of awkwardness they found themselves drawn back to each other.

A few weeks later it happened again, this time both sober, both a bit more self-conscious but very unwavering what they wanted and it had been just as great as the first time, perhaps even more so cause he'd felt really present. And after that it became regular, at least once a week, sometimes two, one week even three times. They'd never talked about what they were up to, it was like they both agreed it was something just between the two of them and nothing that could be public at work.

There had been times when he wanted more. When he'd watched her in secret, closing her eyes for a second next to him in his bed and he'd wished she would fall asleep so he could wake up next to her in the morning. Times when he'd tried to cuddle a bit but sensed her reluctance to have him too close. When he'd nestled in her hair, let his fingertips run over her breast just because he felt like exploring her a little when his immediate goal wasn't to release himself inside of her. She really did have a problem with intimacy didn't she? He hadn't really reflected on it before, just figured that it was purely a sexual exchange they had, that it couldn't be more since they worked together. Why hadn't he reflected over it more? Why hadn't he picked up the signs?

As Nate walked down off the stand and passed their row Nick couldn't help but glare at him. He hoped that was the last he ever saw of the two-timer.

They sat through detective Tim Fellner's witness statement. He'd run in to Amanda as she ran down the stairs from Patton's office. She'd seemed a little distressed, pushed him away roughly as he tried to find out what was wrong. Buchanan had got Fellner to say that Amanda usually played rough though, that she perhaps in her attempts to fit in with the boys over did it at times.

Fellner had also heard the rumors that Amanda had slept with Patton as well as with their captain. He'd never gotten the offer himself though. Barba asked about what else he'd seen that night, about Patton humming in a very cheerful way only minutes after Amanda ran out close to franticly. Franticly being Barba´s description and of course something Buchanan objected to. Barba got Fellner to say that he'd never seen Amanda act promiscuous, she'd gotten drunk a few times but not by far as many times as he'd seen the other male detectives.

Former APD detective Eric Bevan also took the stand. Called by the prosecution but he'd since changed his story slightly, getting Liv and the gang to suspect Patton had gotten to him. Barba did his job though, agitated Bevan to make him spill more than he'd probably intended to. He'd gone upstairs, fetched the cups, heard some noises from Patton's office. He seemed to have forgotten Amanda's distressed cries and Patton shouting. Instead there were noises resembling two people having sex, yes maybe a little on the rough side but nothing more than that.

Barba asked the judge to be able to treat him as a hostile witness and then it didn't take long until he'd gotten Bevan to say he had tried the door and why would he have tried the door if he wasn't a pervert wanting to lurk? He was no pervert, someone seemed in need of help in there and the door had been locked. Bevan realized his mistake, tried to avoid the glares coming from Patton while Barba pushed on.

Patton's shiny false image started to crack the moment Bevan blurted out the reason he hadn't tried to get through the locked door; you knew better than to interrupt chief Patton. There had been a muted murmur spread across the courtroom at that time and the judge had to ask the spectators to be quiet.

Sam had taken the stand after Bevan. Barba had first go as he was their witness and even though Sam didn't want to discredit Patton too much it still got obvious Amanda had been in a tough position at the APD. Women did have a harder time in APD, Sam didn't want to lie about that, and Patton ran the department with a firm hand. When he disciplined a detective, everyone stepped in line and Amanda took some heat. Sam had never put two and two together, that Amanda turning down Patton coincided with the times she'd been publically humiliated in the squad room. In open court Sam apologized to her for not making that connection sooner.

Buchanan came after Sam of course, brought up every mistake, every mishap, every oversight since Sam's days as beat cop. It wasn't much there though, he'd made some rookie mistakes but as a captain he'd run a rather good squad. How he'd missed Patton's abuse of power weigh heavy on him though. Buchanan then tried to get him through Amanda's sister, tried to make it sound as though Sam was the one helping Amanda get her sister in the clear. Sam simply answered though that he was aware of Amanda's sister getting of a little easier thanks to her connection to an APD detective but that Sam had nothing to do with that.

If he wanted to know what he however did have a hand in though he had plenty of Patton's wife's DIU's in his desk drawer, along with written evidence of Patton being the one asking Sam's help to get rid of them. It made Buchanan move off the subject quickly but Barba did redirect to just rub that little tidbit in Patton's face as well as the wife's who'd been sitting right behind him throughout the trial.

Buchanan made one final attempt to get to Sam by accusing him of sleeping with his former detective. There was no proof of that though Sam simply said and the reason there was none was because it never happened. He might have wanted it to happen but Amanda on the other hand did not and unlike some Sam knew to take a no as just that, a no. They had spent a night in the same hotel room during a conference but it was only because Amanda had seemed rattle and even though she hadn't said it Sam had connected it to Patton's presence. Buchanan tried to use that against Sam, poke a hole at the fact he previously mentioned he didn't think Patton had made such strong advances at his detective. It didn't work though and mostly had the outcome that Buchanan, and Patton, were grasping at straws to get out on the flip side.

The biggest surprise might have been Amanda's mother actually showing up. They'd learnt the day before she was taking the stand but even though Barba had pushed for Amanda to try and get in touch with her mother she had refused. As the petite woman sharing many features with Amanda entered the courtroom all eyes but Amanda's would be on her. Fin had caught Amanda putting her hands down, actually placing herself on them and he could only imagine it was to stop them from shaking and he'd instinctively moved a little closer to her just to be of some physical support in case she needed it.

Emily Rollins was called by the defense so Buchanan had the first round. He made a rather big show of the fact mrs Rollins was there testifying for the defense and not with the prosecution, which included her daughter. It would rather soon start to shift in disfavor for the defense though. Even though Emily didn't really have anything bad to say about Patton she said she couldn't vouch for his church charity activity, Emily had never ever seen him at those charities except for when the press was around.

She had nothing but good to say about Vivienne but then it slipped that those DUI's were public notion and everyone at some point struggled with their own personal demons. Barba tried to hide his amusement. He had a dislike for mrs Rollins but she was entertaining on the stand. As Buchanan tried to get her to discredit her own daughter it got a little sad but again the defense failed their attempts to slander Amanda.

The things mrs Rollins disclosed, about the broken bottle over a man's head, threatening another one with a squirrel gun and taking a bat to a third abusive SOB that also put his hands on her daughters, only made the jury look to Amanda with sad and pitiful eyes. It got quite obvious she hadn't had the easiest childhood and that mrs Rollins wasn't an exemplary mother.

Amanda spent most of her mother's testimony looking down her own lap, getting worried looks from her squad mates. Barba didn't have to discredit Amanda's mother thankfully, she'd done a good enough job of that herself and Barba was able to just focus of what, if any, Emily knew about her daughter's love life. All she really had to say was that for being a tomboy her daughter was oddly shy in front of boys when it came to starting dating them. She blurted out that she even thought for a while her daughter was wired wrong there. Emily didn't even apologize for that offensive statement.

She said it took her daughter all the way to high school before she had her first boyfriend and Barba left it at that. After Emily's testimony the court took a recess and mother and daughter was reunited in a witness room. Liv and Fin were present for it and got to shake the older woman's hand. They both were a little resentful towards the woman but it would ease a little as Emily got talking.

After a hesitant and fleeting hug Emily had told her daughter that she hoped she did some good up on that stand. That she had figured if she showed what kind of mother she had been all those years ago then maybe it would be beneficial to the case, and to put that monster Patton behind bars where he belonged. Even Amanda was taken by surprise and fought to keep it together as her mother told her how sorry she was for what Amanda had to go through.

Keeping it together was something Amanda had tried to do during her own testimony as well. She couldn't remember a time she'd been that nervous. She hadn't been allowed to be present for Reese's testimony but she'd heard from Fin that Buchanan had gone after her pretty bad. That there had been tears and Barba needed to jump out of his seat every other second to object.

She'd managed to keep it together so well the days leading up to the trial though that Barba was even concerned she wouldn't come across sympathetic towards the jury. He didn't blame her but it was also important for him to win this case, for her sake mostly, and he knew how powerful showing emotions on the stand could be. He couldn't ask that of her though, he knew she had to get herself through it the way that was best for her.

Amanda had wanted to ask Liv and the others to stay clear but she'd never gotten around to actually say it out loud, she knew Fin would be disappointed if she asked him to stay away. He would do it but it would hurt him and it was the last thing she wanted to do after everything he'd done for her these past weeks. These past years. He'd been her rock, her only constant.

He'd stayed with her outside until she was called, opened the door for her but then let her walk in alone like he just knew that's what she needed to do. She'd tried to keep her eyes forward, avoid the glares from her former so-called friends from Atlanta, from Vivienne, the encouraging looks from her own squad, and just focus on Barba who stood on his side of the courtroom holding her eyes steady.

Accidently she'd peaked sideways at the jury once she'd passed Barba. She'd seen the pity in one young woman's eyes but then the suspicious look on the man beside her. He didn't believe her. She felt pity for her. Neither reaction were good. She realized she could tell the truth, she was telling the truth but they might not believe her and if the jury came back discharging him after what she was about to do, that would crush her. That would be it. She would never ever trust a single soul again.

"Miss," the magistrate had said, interrupting her thoughts. She somehow had made it up in the stand and she got sworn in by the magistrate. She would tell the truth. They would have to believe her.

Sitting on the stand it had been even harder to keep her eyes away from all the intrusive looks. Barba had told her to just keep focusing on him if she started to feel insecure. She had stubbornly and foolhardy said it wouldn't be necessary but from the moment she'd stepped in to the courtroom it was the only thing that she could grab on to. Whenever Barba had looked down in to his papers she'd felt apprehensive, dug her nail deeper in to her thigh and silently begged for him to look back up again so her eyes wouldn't stray elsewhere.

Even though she'd focused her eyes on Barba she'd been able to pick out Liv, Fin, Nick, Carisi, even Dodds in the blur behind Barba. Barba had to help her out a lot in the beginning, she felt nervous, close to panicky and voices in her head told her to flee. She didn't recognize herself. She felt lost, disconnected from who she thought herself to be. The cocky, determined woman life had formed her to be, to somehow strive best she was able to. It hadn't been easy to tell her story for Liv, or the second time for Dodds and it most definitely wasn't easy to tell it now.

The spectators started stirring early on and when she mentioned Patton drugging her, the crowd got lively to the point the judge had to bang his stick. It rattled Amanda, her eyes swayed the judge's way and then got stuck on Patton's smug grin. Barba had stepped up to her and called for her attention, told her to breathe and focus on him. Needing fuss made her feel weak. Patton again managed to make her feel weak.

Both Fin and Nick had hissed at the hounds across the aisle. Liv throwing angry looks across but at the same time trying to get Fin and Nick to settle, it wouldn't help Amanda if they started a shouting war while she was on the stand. Once the courtroom was quiet again the judge warned the spectators that he would accept no more outbursts or he would empty his courtroom. He then apologized to Amanda and told Barba to go on.

The outburst, that displayed the obvious hatred towards her, along with the image of Patton's smug face made it hard for her to go on. She could feel her throat closing up and when she reached for her glass of water her hand was shaking evidently. Barba could tell, even the jury could tell, and if the outburst had been to add focus on any potential lie from Amanda it had the opposite effect now as the jury felt sorry for her.

When Barba finally got her going again he could tell the difference in her demeanor. Her eyes got glossy, her voice frailer and ever so often there was a shiver on her lower lip that made her embarrassed and feel even more self-conscious. Barba started to regret wishing she would lose her armor cause it was very painful to see her suffer this much. Her friends on the first row behind the prosecution's side started to stir a little as well, even Carisi had a hard time not letting Amanda's stress affect him.

Liv would never get used to hear Amanda's story and for the others it was the first time they heard the extent of it. Fin had started to feel sick to his stomach. Nick felt lightheaded as images he had of her removing her clothes, him helping to get them off even quicker, got mixed with imaginary images of the horrible events that took place in that office and his inner voice kept yelling at him that he should've known.

Somehow Amanda had managed to get through it all and then Barba asked for a recess before Buchanan had his turn. Barba figured she would need to breath and he wouldn't mind having a bit of pep-talk to prepare her a little. Liv and Fin stepped in to the witness room with them, while Nick and Carisi lingered outside. Fin got a bottle of water open for Amanda and handed it to her. He could tell she had trouble meeting his eyes and he'd given her a brief 'you did good up there' while Barba and Liv exchanged a few words.

Liv gave Amanda's arm a squeeze and gave her a smile when Amanda peeked up at her.

"Okay?" Liv had asked and Amanda had given her a brief nod.
"You did really good," Barba piped in, "You remember what we talked about? What Buchanan most likely will pressure on?"

Amanda had given him a nod even though her mind was completely blank. The thought of going back in there didn't sit well with her, she wouldn't be able to focus her eyes on Barba, what would she look at then? Buchanan wasn't a favorite person even before this trial, he'd defended scumbags in the past as well. He had this annoying purple tie on today, the one with spots that she'd gladly use for target practice if she was allowed to.

Barba had kept talking, there was something about not letting Buchanan get to her, to not feel like she had to defend herself cause she had nothing to feel guilty about. Liv had seen that Amanda wasn't completely present and finally cut in that maybe they should let Amanda have a seat for a while. Barba had looked a little confounded but not objected and Fin pulled out a chair for Amanda who'd willingly sat down. She was detached enough to not even pick up on the slight fuss.

As they were getting ready to head back out Amanda had suddenly dashed for the trash bin in the corner of the room and emptied herself of that sick feeling that had haunted her since the stand. She got rid of it along with what little she had for breakfast that morning, those now decomposed pieces of chicken Fin had forced on her and some of the liquid that had still been in her gut. It felt a little better for a brief moment but then her senses came to and everything felt just as bad again, perhaps even worse since she now could taste the sickness.

Everyone had started stirring after Amanda flung herself across the room, knocking a chair over in the process and puked in the bin. Barba got anxious she was falling apart and wouldn't be able to continue, her entire statement tossed from the prosecution. Patton would walk, it couldn't happen. Fin had been by her side as fast as possible, holding her hair back and trying to get a reassurance she was okay and an answer if he could do anything to help her.

Liv had worried too but, again, she'd been the one who took control of the situation as Nick and Carisi pushed through the door after hearing the commotion and adding to the already chaotic scene. She'd loudly told everyone to calm the fuck down, immediately regretting the harsh language but not feeling so bad as she'd realized it had worked on everyone but Amanda who now had that vacant look across her face again.

She'd pointed to Nick and Carisi, told them to go back out, everything was fine. She turned to Barba next, told him to breath, to give her his handkerchief and then to go back in to the courtroom. She, along with Fin would bring Amanda in in just a sec. Oddly enough Barba was the first one that obeyed and it made Nick and Carisi follow suit. Liv then turned to Fin who was holding on to Amanda who was now retching slightly over the bin.

"Get the water," Liv had told him as she took over holding on to Amanda's hair.
"Just try and breathe Amanda," she'd told the younger detective.

Liv put Barba's handkerchief down her pocket momentarily so she could gather Amanda's hair up and tie if with the elastic she had around her wrist. When she was done she rubbed up and down Amanda's spine and told her to have some of the water Fin had for her, to clean out her mouth, spit it out in the bin and then drink some of the nice, cool water. It would make her feel a little better.

Liv got Fin to grab a chair and she put Amanda on it once the dry heaving had stopped and she'd rinsed out her mouth. Liv took some water from the bottle and splashed it on the handkerchief only to then dab Amanda's face with it. Amanda let out an appreciative moan and closed her eyes.

"Feels good right," Liv had smiled and then let the wet cloth go down and around to Amanda's neck. She added a little more water on it and then took another lap around her face. Thankfully she hadn't gotten any vomit on herself so all Liv had to do was straighten her clothes a little and she was good to go. As soon as she'd been able to breathe a little more though. Liv didn't rush her, court just had to wait until they were ready.

Back in the courtroom Amanda had already clutched her fists, nails digging in to her palms, before Buchanan got to his feet. She tried to keep her eyes off him, looked at Barba and the familiar faces right behind him as long as she could but it had done nothing to calm her. Buchanan had walked up to her, kept his distance at first but positioned himself so that Patton was visible right behind him whenever he forced her to look the lawyer's way. The sick feeling in her gut started to creep back.

Just as Barba had warned her Buchanan tried to make it sound as Amanda had been the one willing to do anything to get her sister of any charges. He brought up the shooting of Kim's boyfriend and pressed on it being a fatal shooting. Barba objected, told the court it was ruled self-defense as the deceased had a weapon that he aimed at the detective even though she'd warned him and that she had done nothing wrong, been cleared of any charges.

She managed quite well in the beginning to answer his questions and rebut the false accusations. Barba helped out by objecting as Buchanan started to stray out of line. She'd known Buchanan would play dirty though and it didn't take long until he accused her of sleeping her way out of trouble. He brought up Nate, saying she slept with him to get off easy in the 12 step program and then again just to get money from him to pay off debts as she relapsed in to her addiction.

He made it sound as though she used sex to get out of trouble or as a bargain tool and Amanda's thoughts went back to that one time when she had in fact used it to bargain with. She'd started to feel even more nauseous as she recalled the look in Murphy's eyes when she'd made her offer, standing so close she could feel his breath on her face, her fingers clutched around his hand, her own heart still jumping out of her chest at the thought of losing her job, be sent to jail.

At that very moment, as she believed she would have to come true to her offer, she had not been able to believe anything could feel as repulsive. Not even being violated by Patton felt that repulsive. But right then and there in court she'd felt even worse. She'd felt on display, exposed, prepared to be ripped apart. Patton's desk rubbing against her spine, his grunting by her ear and that numbness spreading from her core to the rest of her body.

She hadn't even realized she'd bowed her head down but as she looked up she met Barba's eyes, both concern and anger displayed in them, his lips was moving and as the veil over her ears lifted she could hear him objecting. Badgering the witness, he kept repeating before the anger washed off his face quickly and he looked to Amanda with great concern across his face. While Buchanan exchanged a few heated words with the judge she took the time to take a few breaths. She was in court. No one could hurt her here if she didn't let them. Not even Patton could get to her right now and it was at least a little reassuring.

She'd managed to gather herself, even thought to herself that she'd done a pretty good job with the rest of Buchanan's ridiculous accusations and insinuations. Barba had taken the chance to redirect, give Amanda a chance to clarify some of the things Buchanan had brought up. Of course her intent hadn't been to kill her sister's boyfriend. Staying in a decoy outfit after hours to grab a drink with the guys at APD had not been her idea no. It had been forced by Patton as he'd refused to let someone drive her back to the station and no, she had not flaunted her various body parts at the guys but instead tried to cover herself up with a hoodie another detective had borrowed her.

When she was finally able to walk down off the stand her legs felt wobbly but she did her best to not come across as beat or defeated. Her OB-gyn record was admitted as evidence. Amanda couldn't believe a piece of paper like that would feel so intrusive, make her feel so exposed. The doctor had written down that the patient showed signs of tearing that caused a slight bleeding even five days after the alleged intercourse. The tearing, along with slight bruising on the inner thighs made the doctor suspicious but she'd written down that the patient, although a bit evasive, withheld she had not been assaulted.

Even though Amanda felt embarrassed about it, and even though she'd told the doctor her injuries came from intercourse, it still went in line her story of years of tyranny and it was good evidence for the prosecution.

Ross Davis, one of Patton's thugs, took the stand to tell about Patton's involvement in the assault of Amanda. The defense had called Holt Brennan as well to witness against what Ross alleged and to say he had no involvement with Patton but of the two Ross definitely gave the most credible impression and Barba would call it a win for the prosecution.

Liv also managed to finally talk Angela Morris, one of Patton's earlier victims, to come testify. She wouldn't join the lawsuit but she told about the verbal abuse she had to endure during her years in APD, Patton's constant invites and the suggestive hints he would put in a good word for her sick son if only she let him get something in return. She did tell the court about the night Patton had brought dinner to her house and she'd woken up on the floor hours later feeling as though something had happened but with no recollection of exactly what. It did add to Patton's pattern of drugging his victims. Buchanan had tried to explain away the drugs in Reese's system by suggesting she'd done drugs to drown her sorrows of the, by Patton, broken affair. As for Amanda's experience Buchanan just said there was no evidence Patton had been the one that drugged her, that took her home, that undressed her. If that had even happened she had no one who collaborated her story. As for Patton having said he did it the second time, well there was just no proof of a second time either more than an OB-gyn report with Amanda admitting to intercourse.

All this Buchanan had repeated in his closing argument. He'd said Reese was a money hungry tramp having tried to sleep her way to success and then as the affair ended she'd stooped to accusing Patton of raping her. Amanda was nothing but a degenerate that had grown up with poor family values, described as someone who struggled with a bad addiction. An addiction that made her sleep with a sponsor to pay off debts and when she couldn't take the heat of what it meant to be a police detective in Atlanta she'd transferred out only to then shot and killed someone from her past when he followed her to New York. Patton was lucky to be alive Buchanan stated.

Barba brought up what he held for the truth, two women under Patton's supervision that he had violated, drugged and raped. They had a third woman who'd left the department after she suspected that she'd been raped as well. There was a long list of other women who'd left the department and Patton had one of the lowest statistics in the entire country of women in his department.

Barba pushed the fact that both detective Taymor and detective Rollins had clean records that came with only good recommendations. In fact Patton had never written down anything in their files about what he now accused them off, indolence, bad work ethic, promiscuousness, insubordination. None of that had ever been mentioned before. At the conference in early January Patton have been heard mentioning several times how much he missed Amanda down in Atlanta, what a valued member of his department she'd been.

"Had it all been just an act for Patton?" Barba asked the jury. Of course it had. Everything about him was an act, a façade so everyone would think he was this golden boy when he in fact was a corrupt and malicious monster. He'd preyed on his young, blonde protégés. Flagged them in, all of them of a certain type. He knew which type of women he wanted to surround himself with and he had the power and influence to make it happen. Once in his grip Patton had once again used his superiority, duped detective Reese Taymor, suppressed detective Amanda Rollins.

Engaged in unlawfully relations with Taymor, consensual yes but then as Taymor turned down invites after the affair had ended, and after Patton failed to lure Rollins to his hotel, he drugged Taymor and raped her in her hotel room. Patton had done that, the material evidence the prosecution had presented proved that. Proved that he was a rapist.

Barba then went on to talk about detective Rollins and what deputy chief Patton had made her endure during her years in the Atlanta PD. Amanda had been seated on the front row, flanked by Liv and Fin, Nick and Carisi on Liv's other side. She'd started to wish she'd made the same decision as Reese and stayed cleared. It was painful to listen to her own story, her own life, being referenced out loud in front of all those people. Listening to it like that Amanda didn't understand why she'd let him go on. Why she'd accepted being treated like that and part of her couldn't help but feel guilty for letting it escalate. Surely she had some part in it, she should've known better. What sort of detective was she?

As Barba had gestured her way, caught her eyes for a second and commended her bravery for speaking out as a fellow detective suffered the same fate as her Amanda hadn't been able to hold it in. A single tear ran down her cheek, she'd hurried to wipe it away but more had followed and she stirred uncomfortably getting both Fin and Liv's attention. Liv had handed her a napkin, she'd come prepared.

Liv had tried as subtle as possible to get her arm around Amanda and then just held on to her, knowing any more fuss might just upset or disturb her more. Fin had felt useless, not knowing what to do to hold his partner up. Nick had just tried to focus his eyes forward, putting an elbow in Carisi's side as he leaned forward to look at Amanda.

Barba ended his closing argument with a plead to the jury to put an end to chief Patton's tyranny, to make sure it ended here, today, not a moment too soon. To give detectives Taymor and Rollins the justice they so rightfully deserved and to send a message to Angela Morris and all the other detectives that had come and gone under Patton's charge that his conduct was not okay. Using your rank was not okay. Chief Patton's cruelty ended today.

The jury was excused after being given instructions on what to do next. It was rather late in the afternoon and Barba predicted they might not get a ruling today. Barba gave Amanda and her mother, as well as the rest of the squad access to his office in case they wanted to hang around but Amanda said she wanted to head out of there, maybe do some work. Liv shook her head though, no more work today she said gently.

Amanda's mother had suggested she come see her hotel room, Emily wasn't sure how long she would be able to stay put now that she'd more or less witnessed against Patton and Vivienne probably wouldn't cash up any more money. Nick offered to drive them even before Amanda had made up her mind. Fin stepped in and told him he got them though. Liv told Amanda maybe it wasn't such a bad idea. Media, nosey reporters had snooped around her apartment ever since the trial started and names started circulating. This way she wouldn't have to bother with them just now.

Amanda finally agreed and Liv promised to call the minute the jury came back and if or when they called it a night. Fin said he would stay with her and it made Liv a little calmer as she still wasn't sure about Amanda's mom. After they'd left the rest stayed put for a while discussing how the trial and closing arguments had gone. Barba wished he would feel more secure with the outcome but he was nervous, the stakes were high.

Fin waited in the lobby at the hotel to give Amanda some time alone with her mom. He'd reassured he would see them in a little while though as he'd invited them to dinner at the hotel's restaurant. His treat and Emily hadn't been late to accept the invite for both herself and her daughter. They'd been in the restaurant when Liv called Fin to let them know the jury was coming back in. Amanda was happy she hadn't eaten much as what little she had in her threaten to come back up again.

Media was swarming outside the courthouse and Fin didn't have time to get access to the courthouse parking. Liv, Nick and Carisi all came out to meet them and protect Amanda as they had to push through the reporters. Fin made sure he and Amanda's mom got inside as well. As they waited for the jury Amanda moved around nervously on the hard bench.

"Maybe I shouldn't be here," she whispered as the looks from the other side of the gallery was getting to her.

Amanda's mom had a seat a few rows further up this time, sitting behind Amanda and she'd placed a warm hand on her daughter's back.

"You'll be fine," Liv reassured her.

Reese and her family suddenly emerged and Nick and Carisi moved back to let Reese, her mother and sister have seats on the front row. The rest of her family squeezed in on the row behind, sharing it with Amanda's mother. Reese and Amanda exchanged glances, both trying to smile at each other at this stressful time. They got interrupted by the door to the jury room opening.

The judge talked for a while, something about the procedure and that he wouldn't allow any emotional outbursts once the ruling was read, Amanda wasn't really paying attention. She kept trying to look at the jury, wanted to know if they believed her or not. They weren't looking her way though, not Patton's way either so she had no idea what they were thinking.

"I…" Amanda breathed Liv's way but couldn't form any other words, wasn't really sure what she'd wanted to say either.
"You'll be fine," Liv repeated calmly, "He's guilty, we know it."

Amanda tried taking a few deep breaths. There was just no going back. If he was found not guilty that might be it for her, no more career to talk about. Everyone would glare at her, suspect her to cry rape if they even came near her. She knew how it worked. She would be finished. If he was found guilty… the glares would still be there. A guilty verdict might not change anything for her and the thought scared her.

She had to focus, the judge had asked the jury foreman for their verdict and the older woman got to her feet. For the next few minutes Amanda felt as though she was in a bubble. She was wrapped in an invisible but a very, to her, tangible shield. She heard everything that was said but it came to her in just the right tempo, in the perfect volume for her to feel safe and protected. She couldn't fully grasp what was said though.

She could hear the outcry in the distance, the disappointment, the cheers. She had heard the verdict but still couldn't really take it in. It wasn't until Barba stood up, fist going up in the air a little and as he turned back towards her with that silly winning grin of his that she realized what had just happened.

Guilty on all charges. On every single one of them. Guilty.

The barrier rinse off her just like that and she got aware that both Fin and Liv were on their feet. Liv rubbing the back of Amanda's shoulder as she at the same time reached over and gave Barba a high five. A high five? That felt like a strange thing for them to do but it did melt Amanda's heart. Looking sideways she spotted Reese surrounded by her family, all of them hugging her and tears coming out of Reese's eyes.

When Amanda turned her head slightly more she could see everyone behind her were on their feet as well. All but Nick. He was still seated. Looked a little stunned but relief mixed in there too. He gave her a sweet smile and she tried her best to replicate it just before she felt her mother's familiar hand on the back of her head. This time it didn't slap her though, it was soft, almost caring.

"You did it honey, you got him," her mom said in to her ear as she leaned in to kiss her cheek. Amanda felt herself get pulled up on her feet. Liv was the first one to give her a hug, Fin next and Barba looked as he wanted to hug her as well but instead he wrapped her hand with both of his and gave her a grin that made the corner of his eyes glimmer with moist.

Amanda heard the upset murmur from across the aisle but she didn't look that way. The last thing she wanted to see right now was Patton's ugly mug. This was good. She didn't know what sentence he would get, the judge had probably said when he would return with the sentence but it had been lost to Amanda as she drifted in to that alternate state. She didn't care though. Patton wouldn't get the sentence he deserved, those scumbags never did but right now that wasn't important.

What was important right now was that he was found guilty. Guilty. And Amanda couldn't believe just how relieved she felt.

Five days had passed since the guilty verdict. Liv, Fin, Nick and Carisi had felt like celebrating once the verdict came in but seeing the relief on Amanda's face, in her whole demeanor, was reward enough. It was such a relief for everyone. Barba realized just how much he'd put in to this particular case and hearing Amanda whisper a silent thank you felt like one of his biggest rewards in his entire career.

Reese was returning with her family to Tampa as soon as humanly possible, Liv and Amanda got a chance to talk to her briefly right after the trial though. Liv felt a tug at her heart as she heard an ashamed Amanda apologizing for not reporting Patton immediately but Reese had just hugged her, Amanda managing to stay still in her arms for the few seconds the hug lasted. Liv said goodbye to Reese and told her to not give up her dreams of being a detective if it was still what her heart desired. Patton did not deserve the right to stop her from pursuing her dreams, whatever that dream might be.

Liv managed to talk the others in to having a drink at a nearby bar and they sneaked out through a side door to get around the vultures outside with their questions and intrusive cameras. Barba stayed only for a single Snakebite before he headed home to maybe cut one of those expensive Cuban cigars he was saving for a better day. And maybe, just maybe he'd book that cruise he'd been eyeing for a while now. The last thing he did, after gotten a hug from Liv and several back pats from the rest of her squad, was to shake hands with Amanda and he told her he couldn't wait to win more cases with her in the future.

Dodds hadn't joined them as he'd managed to get on Liv's bad side right before the verdict fell. He'd informed her that either way the verdict fell Amanda had to be disciplined for not reporting the crime all those years ago and his recommendation was a two weeks suspension. Liv got outraged but of course Dodds had delivered the news in a forum that didn't allow her to express that outrage. She said she would take it up with 1PP though, there was no way she would allow her detective to be punished for the bravery even though it came late.

Dodds said the orders came from 1PP and that if she fought it her detective might get in even more trouble. Liv wasn't sure she could trust Dodds but she didn't want to risk anything. She would inform Amanda the next day as she visited her apartment before shift was supposed to start. She told Amanda she would fight it if the detective wanted her to but Amanda asked her not to, better just leave it alone. Liv felt really bad for having to give her that news at a time when they should still be celebrating the win.

The rest of the squad got even more outraged once they found out. Fin threaten to walk out if they punished Amanda that way, Liv managed to talk them all down though. She let them know Amanda had taken the news rather well and didn't mind some time off. She would have someone to keep her company after all.

Amanda's mother had joined them at the bar. Liv had seen Amanda's eyes watching what her mother drank and since she recognized the behavior from her own relationship with her mother she wondered if there was some substance abuse in the mother's past, or perhaps even present. Emily Rollins kept a low profile though, keeping the drinking light. She exchanged some words with Nick and Carisi over by the bar before Amanda managed to get her alone for a while.

Liv kept her eye on them over at a table in one of the corners. It looked civil and Liv even caught Amanda smiling slightly a few times, something she hadn't done much of these past few weeks. Her mother had again expressed a slight worry Vivienne, who'd paid for her hotel so far, would stop housing her and she really didn't have enough money to find another hotel. She joked that she was at least thankful Vivienne had bought her an open return ticket home.

Amanda tried to separate the mixed emotions she had towards her mother. She felt a little obliged to her mother, in a way she'd come through in a way she'd never really come through when Amanda was younger. This was her mother's first time in the big city, she'd never been big on travelling too far away from home. As far as Amanda knew Florida had been the furthest her mom had ever been. And now she was here, she was still sipping the same drink as when they first arrived and Amanda started longing for a connection they'd just never had. Emily even expressed a need to help her daughter out in whatever way her daughter would allow her. So Amanda opened up her door for her mother.

Fin felt a little disappointed to learn Amanda was leaving and that her mother would come home with her. He'd expected to stay at least another night watching over her, making sure she was okay and find that Amanda could finally get a peaceful night's sleep now that her tormenter was behind bars. But part of him was happy that Amanda's mom seemed so keen to take care of her daughter, it was about damn time. Amanda looked a little uncomfortable having her mother wipe a strand of hair behind her ear and fuss a little over her but he could also see that little girl longing for her mother's care so he was happy for her.

Nick was also a little disappointed seeing Amanda leave so quickly. He hadn't been able to exchange a single word with her after the ruling and there was so much he wanted to express but didn't know how to. He hoped he would get a chance tomorrow but he didn't know yet she would be on suspension for two whole weeks.

Before Amanda headed out Liv told her to take tomorrow off, spend it with her mother. She asked if she could stop by in the morning, she had some things she wanted to talk to her about but didn't feel like bringing it right now. It was the suspension that she was most eager to talk about but this didn't feel like the place to do it.

Liv had hoped to still come to some settlement with 1PP, punishing Amanda now felt wrong for many reasons. The suspension was settled though, 1PP demanded at least a slight reprimand because of the failed duty to report a crime. Amanda took the news better than Liv had expected. She told Liv to not stress about it, some time off would probably do her good and since her mom was here… it was all good. Liv didn't like leaving her like that, she wanted to talk to her about seeing a psychiatrist, about getting counseling and to make sure she kept up with her GA meetings as well. This was still a stressful time, she needed support.

So five days passed. Fin checked in by calling her up at one point and he sent two texts. Amanda answered that things were okay, they could catch a beer but maybe once her suspension was over? Nick didn't dare to either call or text. Liv was planning to call, she had no intention to let two weeks pass without any contact but she hadn't gotten around to it yet.

Fin had already headed home when his phone started to buzz. He didn't recognize the number in the display and had a suspicious look over his face as he answered.

Liv had just shut her computer off and was getting her coat on to head home to Noah and Lucy when her phone buzzed.

"Fin?" she answered after having seen his name on her display.
"Hi, you home?" he asked, his stressed and serious tone immediately got her on alert.
"Not yet, what's going on?" she asked stopping what she was doing to pay attention to the voice on the other line. All she heard was Fin sigh though.

"Fin, what's wrong?" she asked getting an uneasy feeling in her gut.
"Maybe nothing," he said, "TARU is hassling me, my guy isn't working and they won't let me trace her phone without my superior signing off on it."
"Her? Amanda's?" Liv guessed.
"Yeah," Fin sighed.
"Why do you need to trace her phone?" Liv asked concerned.
"Her neighbor, the one who takes Frannie at times, called me up. She was supposed to pick Frannie up hours ago but she still hasn't showed up and she isn't answering her phone. He says she's always called when she can't pick up her dog."
"What about her mom? She's not around either?" Liv asked.
"No, no one's answering her door and her neighbor has not seen her mother around at all," Fin said with a groan.

He should've made a better job of making sure Amanda was doing okay. Liv sighed.

"Okay, you go take care of Frannie and I'll take Amanda," Liv said. Fin let out a disapproving sound.
"That's the way we're going to do it okay," Liv said determent though.
"Okay, but you call if you can't find her? And if you find her," Fin said and didn't hang up until Liv had promised him that.

Since she was already at the station she went downstairs to TARU and she had no problem getting them to trace Amanda's phone. The tech guy set Liv's phone up with a locating signal and off she went. Unfortunately she hadn't taken her car this morning, Lucy had needed it to take Noah to a simple check-up at the hospital, so Liv flagged down a cab. She showed the driver the signal and he seemed to enjoy going on a hunt.

Thirty minutes later Liv sent the cab off and found herself standing outside a bar far away from Amanda's part of the city. Liv peeked in through the big glass windows and spotted Amanda's back at a table with several other people. Liv got Fin on the phone.

"I got her, she's okay," Liv said.
"Yeah? Great," Fin said with big relief, "You want me to come pick her up? I'm at her place now, with Frannie, used my spare key."
"No, I'll take care of her," Liv said, "Any sign of her mother?"
"No," Fin grunted, "There are no suitcases here, I don't think she's here any longer."

He looked around the living room. He'd checked every square of her apartment, he was dead certain Amanda's mother had left already. Her bed was partly made, bedroom clean except for the stacks of books being pulled back out on the floor. He found her favorite book out on the living room table and he felt guilty for not taking it with him as she'd asked him to read it.

Some bedspreads were on the couch, it looked as though she'd camped out on the couch for several nights. There were glasses on the table, a plate with a partly eaten sandwich, an empty box of tissues and over by the window a pack of smokes, a lighter and a used ashtray. The kitchen had some dishes in the sink but otherwise looked clean and, he had a look, her fridge was almost completely empty.

Frannie seemed in good condition though, well taken care off, and he hoped by the end of the night he would be able to make sure for himself that her owner was in good condition as well.

Liv stepped inside the bar, the warmth from inside a welcomed gift on Liv's chilled cheeks from only a minute or two outside. She immediately caught the sound of Amanda's clinging, loud laughter and Liv couldn't help but smile, her laugh was really contagious. Liv kept her eyes on Amanda's back as she approached. Her hair was out, flowing down over a white cable knit sweater, her jacket hanging on the back of her chair along with a scarf. Her beanie had fallen to the floor.

Liv didn't recognize any of the other people around the table, they looked around their mid-twenties, four guys, one girl, all rather hip looking for some reason Liv couldn't put her finger on. They were all smiling, some laughing along with Amanda. The rest of the bar was rather deserted, only a few people over by the bar, the rest of the tables were empty but judging by the numerous bottles and glasses on the table Amanda was at, their company was drinking enough to keep the bar afloat tonight.

Liv leaned down to pick up the beanie and when she came back up she'd caught the attention of Amanda's company. It took Amanda a while to catch on though and Liv could tell she was rather intoxicated the moment their eyes met. Amanda froze for a mere second, a flash of shock and perhaps feeling a little busted washed over her face before it broke out in a cheeky smile.

"Oh…" Amanda started turning slightly back to her companions, "This is… my colleague."

Liv was greeted with five rather rowdy hello's in different versions and Liv shot them a 'good evening' along with a smile and a slight wave with one hand.

"So you a dental hygienist too or maybe a dentist?" one of the guys asked.
"Huh?" Liv asked a bit taken aback.
"Dental hygienist or dentist? At the practice," the guy asked giving her a peculiar look.

Amanda looked back over her shoulder, her grin even cheekier as she waited for Liv to answer.

"A dentist?" Liv answered a bit hesitant.

Amanda started chuckling and Liv couldn't help but smile.

"Yeah definitely a dentist," Amanda laughed as she downed the rest of her drink.

As soon as the liquid had disappeared down her throat she kept going though.

"And the best… like a frickin best dentist," Amanda mused with a slur, her syntax slightly off, "Cavities fixed like that…"

Amanda tried to snap her fingers but failed. Tried one more time but when she was unsuccessful she just moved on.

"We've been discussing the serious cavity problem here in the city," Amanda said turning a little bit more on the chair as it was directed at Liv.
"Brad here has a serious cavity problem," Amanda said pointing across the table at one of the guys.
"Brett," the guy across the table corrected Amanda for what seemed to be not the first time.

He looked to Liv since Amanda's attention was already elsewhere, her hand had gone up in the air to get the waiter to come over with another drink.

"Hey, I think we have to head out now though," Liv said to Amanda, "we got a busy day with cavities tomorrow."
"Busting cavities," Amanda chuckled as she leaned back down against the table.

The waiter came over with a glass that he placed in front of Amanda.

"What does she owe? If I can pay," Liv said digging down in to her bag to get some money out.
"Oh no don't worry about it, we got it," a guy that wasn't Brett said, "she paid our first rounds so we're more than square."

The guy gave the waiter an affirmative nod and he took off.

"Sure?" Liv asked and the guy gave her another nod.
"Hate to see her go though, she's been very entertaining," the guy smiled kindly.
"Yes I can be very entertaining can't I," Amanda said after putting down her glass.

Liv was a little happy she hadn't downed the entire glass yet, she seemed to be drunk enough. Liv started to help her up out of the chair and she kept her hands on her as she could feel how unsteady Amanda was on her feet. Liv felt a little relieved she had shown up when she did, she really couldn't see Amanda making it home on her even now and even though the gang she was with seemed like good people you just never knew. And something must've made Amanda start to drink at some point so for that reason also Liv was happy she was there.

They said their goodbyes, Amanda thanking the group for being such awesome patients and to value their dentists from now on. Liv tried to pack her arms in a little as she'd already knocked a candlestick down with her sweeping gestures.

"Night guys," Liv said sending the gang off with one final nod as she got Amanda out of there. Amanda stumbled the very first step she took outside but Liv was right there to keep her on her feet.

"Okay let's get this on you, it's cold," Liv said putting the beanie on Amanda's head before rearranging her scarf so she could close her jacket all the way up.
"Those guys were really funny," Amanda said gesturing inside, "and kind. Total sweethearts."
"I bet," Liv smiled, "you have some gloves? It's getting really cold."

Liv said feeling around in Amanda's jacket pockets.

"I might, I dunno," Amanda mumbled and did nothing to help even though that had been her intent. She started to sway backwards in her attempts to look down her own pockets and Liv grabbed a hold of her jacket the moment before she tipped backwards.

"Wow," Liv said struggling a little to keep her upright.
"Okay let's just get a cab," Liv said.

She could tell Amanda tried to straighten up a little but wasn't really able to, like that state when you know you were embarrassing yourself but you were just too drunk to stop the behavior. Liv tucked some of Amanda's hair back and pulled down her beanie slightly. She gave Amanda a smile when she was finally able to snag her eyes for a brief moment.

"I'm fine," Amanda whispered slightly.
"Yes you are," Liv agreed, touched Amanda's cheek briefly before she looked out on the street to see if she could find them a cab.

She held a steady grip on Amanda's arm, even standing still Amanda swayed slightly. Liv spotted a cab and put up her arm hoping she wouldn't have to go out further in to the street as she felt a need to hold on to Amanda. Thankfully the cab drove in by the curb and the driver leaned back to help Liv open the back door.

"Thanks," Liv said as she tried to fold Amanda inside. The perks of having been a beat cop meant you could quite easily get a drunk and disorderly person folded in to a backseat, and in this case the subject was merely drunk. Liv got the door closed and then rushed around the cab to get in on the other side.

"Phew," Liv said as she sunk in to the seat and closed the door behind her. She met the cab driver's smiling eyes in the back mirror as he took off. There was no way he could've missed the fact one of the passengers were well over tipsy. Liv leaned over to get Amanda to sit up slightly but she just couldn't bother with the seat belt right now.

"Where to ma'am?" the driver asked and Liv gave him her home address.
"No wait," Amanda mumbled as she finally tried to help out to sit up, "I don't think that's where I live? It's not where I live, I think."
"No, it's where I live," Liv said as she sat back in her own seat.
"Oh no," Amanda said with a chuckle coming up her throat but when it seemed to dawn on her Liv was in fact taking her to her place and not home Amanda quiet down.

"I… That's not… I should, go home," Amanda blurted out as she sat up and grabbed for the door.
"Woah no Amanda," Liv said reaching over.

The cab driver had slowed down slightly and watched attentively until he knew Liv had control of the situation. Liv had scooted over closer to Amanda and pulled her arms with her down in her own lap as she decided to just sit put. She gave the driver a nod to let him know she had it handled.

"No I really don't think this is a good idea," Amanda mumbled a little distressed.
"But it is," Liv reassured, "You'll get some sleep and I'll rest easier knowing you're safe and sound."
"But you have a baby," Amanda complained, "A baby should not be around… I mean I should not be around a baby."
"Well I'm the baby's mother…" Liv started but got interrupted.

"You're the mother," Amanda smiled and it spread to Liv's face.
"You're a mother," Amanda mused and it made Liv feel really good. She still buzzed whenever she got to call herself, or someone called her Noah's mother. It was a gift she never thought she would experience.

"Yes I'm a mother, I'm the mother and I say its okay for you to be around my baby," Liv finally managed to say once she had a grip on her voice.
"You're a great mother," Amanda said. She'd somehow sneaked one of her hands out of Liv's grip and now her hand landed, a little sloppily but still caring on Liv's cheek.

"A great mother," she repeated while holding Liv's cheek.
"I do my best," Liv said with a smile.
"You do great," Amanda slurred a bit as her eyes turned outwards, "Don't ever make him feel bad for having dreams and goals though, just don't do that to her."

Liv watched what little she could see of Amanda's face. Her hand was still on Liv's face but drifted a little over her eye and nose so Liv grabbed a hold of it before she got her eye poked out and brought it down between her own. She could feel Amanda's hand was a little cold and she tried warming both her hands a little by rubbing them gently.

"Where's your mother Amanda?" Liv asked carefully while watching her.
"Amanda?" Liv called for her attention when she didn't answer.
"Where's your mother?" she asked once Amanda had turned her head to look at her. A smile spread over Amanda's face as she turned her head away again.

"Your guess is as good as mine, back in Atlanta probably," Amanda said with a slight chuckle that quickly died though.
"When did she leave?" Liv asked.
"As soon as it wasn't as much fun to tend to her fucked up daughter behind closed doors," Amanda said while trying to smile, "Maybe when I wouldn't do an interview with this tabloid and she wouldn't get all that big bucks they promised her if she could convince me. Maybe she left then."

"I'm sorry Amanda," Liv said stroking her hands tenderly.
"Oh don't be," Amanda said glancing over briefly, "it was nice, the five minutes it lasted were nice."
"Really nice," Amanda mumbled as she turned away again.

Liv wasn't sure what to say and just kept rubbing Amanda's hands to try and get them warm. Amanda had leaned her head against the car window and suddenly she mumbled something.

"What's that?" Liv asked since she couldn't make it out.
"Your city is beautiful at night," Amanda said a little clearer.
"It's your city too Amanda," Liv said but Amanda didn't seem to hear her as she mused on.
"The lights, the people, the vibe. So much color and life. All hours of the day."

Liv looked out at what Amanda was looking at, it was really beautiful.

"You don't have Atlanta beat at day time but at night… not even a comparison," Amanda whispered.

For the rest of the ride no one said anything. Liv kept her eyes on Amanda, every now and then her eyes went out at the road but they always ended up right back at Amanda. Liv saw the lights of the street reflecting in Amanda's mesmerized eye. As they came closer to Liv's apartment the lights got a little sparser, Amanda's face resting against the window in darkness mostly.

"Okay, c'mon," Liv had to coax once the cab had stopped. Amanda was quiet on the way up. She needed even more help keeping upright now, those last drinks taking full effect and Liv had a little problem getting her attention. Liv even stopped outside the elevator once they reached her floor, propped Amanda up against the wall and had a closer look at her eyes, touching her face to make sure her skin wasn't clammy or anything.

"Are you okay Amanda?" she asked as she tried to check her pulse by putting her fingers against the vein in her neck. Amanda tried to pull away, tried shoving Liv's hand away.

"I shouldn't be here," Amanda mumbled.
"I want you to be here," Liv said and pulled her off the wall and with her towards her door to not give her a chance to leave.

Liv had to get an even tighter grip around her as Amanda stumbled on her own feet. It made Amanda start to chuckle and once she started she couldn't really stop. She felt really stupid for being so drunk and really nervous about being around Liv in that state. She was afraid of saying something stupid, or saying something honest perhaps but right now all that nervousness came out through laughter.

Liv couldn't help but smile as she used her key in the door while holding a steady grip on Amanda's jacket. Once she pulled Amanda inside Liv spotted Lucy walking up to the door, her face immediately dropping slightly as she spotted the unexpected visitor.

"Hi Lucy," Liv smiled but then turned to Amanda, "Okay you got to be a little quiet now."

Amanda tried to wise up but it was hopeless, she did manage to subdue her laughter though, only small giggles escaping her throat as Liv helped her get inside. Liv managed to get her jacket off before she sat Amanda down on the couch.

"I can stay… if you need me…" Lucy said hesitant to Liv as she kept a watchful eye on Amanda.
"No, we'll be fine but thank you Lucy," Liv said pulling the beanie off Amanda's head before she kneeled down to get the boots of her.
"You could help me get his crib in to my room though," Liv said thinking of putting Amanda in the spare bed Lucy sometimes used.

Liv told Amanda to just stay put before walking down the hall with Lucy to rearrange the sleeping arrangements for the night. Noah stayed fast asleep as they carried him along with the crib across the hall.

"Are you sure you don't want me to stay?" Lucy whispered as they put the crib in Liv's bedroom. Liv just shook her head at the young woman, trying to not get annoyed at her slightly overbearing behavior. Liv gave Noah a kiss on his forehead and then walked down to tend to her other ward for the night.

Liv sent Lucy off and then came back to have a seat next to Amanda. Liv was a little surprised Amanda had kept awake, her eyes almost crossed as she tried to focus them on Liv.

"Do you want something to eat?" Liv asked but Amanda's head wobbled like a negative, "To drink? I'm only offering water or milk though," Liv smiled but got the same vague wobble.
"So sleep it is then," Liv said.

Amanda's face crumbled a little but Liv figured it was just about the party being over.

"Okay, c'mon let's get you to bed," Liv said and grabbed a hold of her arm.
"No, I nah," Amanda's protest made not much sense as there were mostly mumbles.
"Sleep will do you good Amanda," Liv withheld and with some effort got Amanda up on her feet.

Amanda didn't have much strength to object as she had to focus on just remaining upright, falling over would be too humiliating, and they got half way down the corridor. Amanda started to feel a little sick though, her throat felt like it was closing up and she wasn't sure if it was caused by the alcohol or something else. She pulled her arm out of Liv's grip and fell back with her back against the wall.

"Amanda," Liv said a little shocked, "What's going on? You feel sick?"

Liv put her hand on Amanda's forehead, sensing her skin would be clammy and she was right. Liv stroke away her bangs a little as it had stuck to her forehead. Amanda tried to shy away from her hand.

"Amanda what's going on?" Liv asked with concern in her voice.
"I don't wanna…" Amanda breathed heavily but couldn't finish the sentence.

She'd turned her head back around but now threw an anxious look down towards the bedrooms. Liv followed her eyes down the hallway, trying to figure out what was going on.

"Amanda I'm bringing you to Noah's room, to the spare bedroom. It's just to sleep okay?" Liv said suddenly worrying that Amanda thought she was going to take advantage of her. Amanda shook her head though, still seeming a little agitated but jaded by the alcohol.

"No, I just don't wanna…" Amanda again couldn't finish her sentence.
"What don't you want to do Amanda? You can tell me," Liv said trying to keep her distance but it was hard as all she wanted to do was to hug Amanda and tell her everything was going to be okay.

"I just wanna go home," Amanda mumbled.
"I get that but we can't right now okay? Noah's sleeping and I really don't want you to be alone right now," Liv tried to explain.
"But I want to be alone," Amanda mumbled, "I can't sleep… here, I can't… I don't… sleep… well."

She wasn't making much sense but Liv was skilled enough to connect the dots. She touched Amanda's arm gently.

"Amanda are you having trouble sleeping?" Liv asked carefully. Amanda didn't have to nod, her face gave Liv the answer.
"Do you have nightmares?" Liv asked and again Amanda tried to hide her face from Liv.
"Don't worry about it Amanda, it's normal, it's nothing to be ashamed of," Liv tried but Amanda still looked stressed, "You can close the door if you want to but you don't have to, I'll be right across the hallway and I want to help if I can Amanda."

Amanda looked as though she tried to press herself further back against the wall, her hands almost trying to grab on to the wall. Liv felt insufficient, wanted to do more than just to stand there and watch her young detective in such obvious torment. But she wouldn't push and just gave her time.

"C'mon," Liv said calmly once Amanda seemed to have calmed down slightly. Liv grabbed a hold of the younger woman's waist and pulled her along.
"I'm really drunk," Amanda mumbled and Liv gave her a smile, "Don't listen to anything I have to say. I'm talking nonsense."
"I've never heard you talk nonsense," Liv said at Amanda's attempt to cover up what had just been said, "And I want you to be able to tell me anything."

Liv brought Amanda inside the bathroom first and told her to have a seat on the toilet.

"I'm going to get you something to sleep in okay? Just stay put for a while," Liv said, made sure Amanda sat steady and then hurried in to her bedroom.

She dug out a tee and a pair of lounge pants from her drawer, threw Noah a look to make sure he was still fast asleep and then hurried back to the bathroom. Liv found Amanda trying to reach over towards the sink and she looked seconds from tipping over.

"Woha," Liv burst out and rushed to her. She got a hold of her before she fell over and Liv got down on her knees in front of Amanda as she steadied her back up.
"I feel a little sick," Amanda said, swallowing hard.
"I bet you do," Liv whispered and grabbed for a towel that she got wet under the water tap all while staying on her knees with one hand holding Amanda up. She used the towel to stroke back the hair from Amanda's face and by the looks of it the wet towel felt nice against her clammy skin. Liv smiled at being able to give Amanda just a slight relief.

"Let's get you out of this warm sweater," Liv suggested and let Amanda take over the towel. Liv held on to the top underneath as she slowly started to pull the sweater up. With a little effort she managed to pull it over Amanda's head and then discard of it completely.

"Okay so I brought these for you to sleep in," Liv said and reached for the garments she'd dropped on the floor as she rushed in, "You think you can get in to them on your own?"

Liv looked a little doubtful as Amanda nodded but she would just have to trust her.

"Maybe use the toilet too," Liv suggested, "We'll save the shower for tomorrow when you're a little steadier on your feet okay? I'll be right outside and don't be too foolish or stubborn to ask for help, I don't mind Amanda."

Liv reluctantly pulled herself towards the door after she'd handed Amanda a new toothbrush that she hoped would not end up as a lethal weapon in Amanda's drunken grip. She repeated the offer to help her out and that she would be right outside the door if she wanted that help. Liv closed the door between them and was then left standing with her palms against the wood, looking at the door as she tried to listen for any sounds inside.

It took a while but then she thought she heard some movement in there. She tried to not worry too much and forced herself to take a step back and leaned against the wall next to the door. She kept checking her watch and it took ten minutes but then she finally heard the toilet flush. The water started running soon thereafter. Then it didn't take long until there was a rumble though, sounded like items fell to the floor and Liv knocked on the door.

"Amanda are you okay?" she asked reluctant to just burst inside but when she didn't get an answer she still did. Amanda was sitting on the middle of the floor, some of Noah's water toys spilled out of the basket by the tub.

"Are you okay?" Liv said getting down by her side.
"I'm sorry," Amanda apologized, "I just tried to get back up."
"Don't worry about it," Liv said, "Are you hurt?"

Amanda shook her head vigorously, not a smart move though as it seemed to disorient her and she swayed slightly. Liv held on to her until she seemed to get her bearings back.

"You want to try and get back up?" Liv asked and Amanda nodded, just slightly this time though and then tried her best to help Liv get her up off the floor. The sleepwear Liv had brought her was placed on the toilet lid, Amanda still in her clothes with her pants unzipped. Liv saw the toothbrush in the sink as she turned the water off.

"You want to try again?" Liv asked picking up the toothbrush. Amanda frowned though.
"That's what made me sick," Amanda frowned.
"No I think that's the alcohol sweetie but okay," Liv smiled and winked at her as Amanda looked as though she wanted to chuckle but her body didn't really follow her lead.

"Let's move this party next door," Liv suggested, grabbed the sleepwear and then Amanda.
"See you'll have a door to close behind you," Liv said as they made their way in to Noah's room, "And what I know to be a pretty good bed cause I've slept here a few nights as Noah got used to sleeping in his own room."
"Amanda," Liv said once they reached the bed but Liv hesitated whether or not to put the younger woman down just yet, "do you mind if I help you undress?"

She had a little trouble getting Amanda's eyes fixed being so close to her and all, and she wasn't sure if it was because of the question or the alcohol.

"I think you'd sleep better in what I brought you but if you feel uncomfortable with me… Will you let me help you?"

Liv leaned forward while holding on to Amanda so she could get a better read on the other woman.

"I'm really drunk," Amanda mumbled. Liv just smiled at her.
"I'm sorry," Amanda whispered.
"Hey don't be, it happens to the best of us," Liv tried to reassure.
"But I'm really drunk," Amanda said with a tone and making a face which made Liv chuckle.
"Yes you certainly are," Liv agreed, "Will you let me help you get undressed?"

Amanda gave her a small nod and Liv nodded right back with a slight smile on her face.

"Hold on to that," Liv said and guided Amanda's hand to one of the bedposts. It was a little short so Amanda's body got a little lopsided as she leaned her palm against it.

Liv started pulling the jeans down over Amanda's hip, making sure her panties stayed up and in place. Thankfully the jeans weren't all too tight and made Liv's job easier. She got down on one knee in front of Amanda to pull the jeans further down, she had to steady Amanda for a brief moment as she left her side but could continue as Amanda found her balance, or more so the somehow stabilizing slight wobbling back and forth.

Liv tried to not be too intrusive and stare but she couldn't help but not notice some very notable red marks on the young woman's thighs. The room was sparsely lit but Liv moved her head to get a little bit better light on the marks and then couldn't help but wipe her fingers slightly over them. There were portions of her skin that looked rubbed or scraped off and then there were scratches that couldn't be anything but nails. Liv remembered the almost manic way Amanda's fingers had dug at her pants as they sat in the gallery watching the trial after she had testified. She knew Amanda had drawn her own blood while Liv and Barba took her first statement so Liv could easily get an indication on what had caused these marks.

Moving her head further to the side though she noticed other kind of marks on the side of the younger woman's thigh and this time she moved Amanda to get the marks in better light. The marks on the side were not scrapes but contusions. Not a single impact accident though as Liv could tell the bruises had been sustained at different stages. There were some that looked brownish yellow, at least a week old, and then there were newer ones that looked dark purple and very painful.

Liv stroke her hand gently over the bruises as she looked up at Amanda. The young woman's eyes were just staring empty ahead. Amanda had put both hands down over each other on the bed post which only added to the wiped demeanor she displayed right now.

Liv continued to pull her jeans down and coaxed her to lift one foot at the time just slightly off the floor so she could pull the pants off.

"Okay have a seat," Liv said, standing back up so she could help Amanda down on the bed. Once down on the bed Liv kneeled down in front of her again. Her eyes kept going back to the marks on Amanda's leg and finally she couldn't keep quiet.

"Amanda, what's going on here," Liv asked as she carefully touched the scrapes on top of her thighs. Amanda's eyes drifted down.
"You made these right?" Liv asked gently wiping her fingertips over the damaged skin. Amanda seemed uninterested to talk or just too drunk to speak.

"And what about these bruises?" Liv asked letting her hand run down to the side of Amanda's thigh. Liv couldn't really tell if Amanda's eyes followed her hand or not but her lips moved slightly.
"I fell," she mumbled.
"You fell?" Liv questioned suspiciously, she didn't buy that explanation one bit. Liv reached down to take one of her socks off and then gently put her foot back down on the floor.
"We both know you didn't get all of them at the same time," Liv said trying to not sound too harsh, "You want to try and tell me what really happened there?"

Liv kept her eyes on her as she removed the other sock.

"I'm really drunk," Amanda mumbled again. Amanda's hands where planted on each side of her, at the edge of the bed and Liv saw them churn harder over the bedspread.
"I had to get out… outside," Amanda kept slurring, "I didn't mean to… I hadn't planned to get this drunk, I just had to get out. I was going…"

Amanda brought her hand up to her face and she rubbed it to try and disguise the need to get away from Liv's intrusive eyes. Liv rubbed her knee gently as she reached for the lounge pants.

"I struggled just walking Frannie," Amanda admitted in her drunken state.
"Oh my God Frannie," she suddenly blurted out. Her hand dropped to her lap and Liv watched her eyes go bigger than they had all night.
"I gotta go… get Frannie," Amanda said as she tried to get up off the bed without much success.

"She's okay Amanda," Liv calmed as she grabbed a hold right below her elbows to keep her down on the bed.
"Frannie is okay, Fin got her," Liv said and could lower her voice as Amanda seemed to register what she was telling her.
"Your neighbor called Fin, that's how we came looking for you," Liv explained.
"Frannie's okay?" Amanda asked, guilt dripping from her voice. Liv nodded.
"She's just fine, Fin's got her for the night and I got you for the night. Everything is fine Amanda," Liv soothed as she got Amanda's feet in to the pants legs. She pulled them up to her knees but then lingered as her hand once again brushed gently over her bruised thigh.

"Can you tell me why you did this?" Liv asked.

She'd played with the thought it could've been her mom that inflicted them but the bruises were gathered in a limited area and along with the nail inflicted scratches on top of her thighs Liv figured it was all most likely self-inflicted. From what she now knew of Amanda and her past she didn't find self-harming that impossible. Liv thought any addiction were in fact a form of self-harm which Amanda wasn't a stranger to.

"Why Amanda?" Liv asked again as Amanda seemed to have gotten stuck with her head bowed down looking at her hand who was picking slightly at the bed spread.
"I had to get out," Amanda whispered.

"You got anxious being stuck at home and you did this to yourself?" Liv tried as her hand slowly moved over the young woman's soft skin. Amanda took a deep breath that stalked up in her throat a little and she squirmed a little under Liv's touch.

"Okay, let's leave it for now," Liv said as she realized it wasn't a good time to have this talk right now in the state Amanda was in. She pulled up the pants as far as she was able to with Amanda planted on the bed.
"But we will talk about it Amanda," she added.

Liv got up on her feet but bent down to get her eyes on the same level as Amanda's.

"I'm not going to let you hurt yourself for something you have no blame in. You hear that Amanda? You have to stop punishing yourself for what happened to you."

She stayed put until Amanda finally looked at her but Liv still wasn't sure Amanda was picking up anything at this point, she looked almost completely out of it.

"I'm going to keep telling you this," Liv said but then grabbed a hold of Amanda's arms and put them over her own shoulders as she told Amanda to grab on best she could. She got really close, Amanda's breathe right by her ear, as she lifted the thankfully light woman up so she could pull the pants all the way up. Amanda had tried to grab a hold and it was the closest they'd come to a hug ever and Liv couldn't help but treasure the moment, holding on to Amanda for a few extra moments to make sure the waistband was in place around the young woman's waist.

"I'm sorry," Amanda mumbled close to her ear.
"You have nothing to be sorry about," Liv said rubbing her lower back gently.
"And down again," Liv whispered as she slowly placed Amanda back down.

Amanda's grip loosened and Liv helped get her arms back down gently. The pants legs were too long and Liv folded them up slightly before she told Amanda she was going to take her top off next. She wanted to give Amanda a heads up even though she looked too spent now to really be paying attention.

Liv grabbed the hem of her top and gently pulled it over Amanda's head. Liv couldn't help but let her eyes run over her torso just to make sure there were no other injuries, she even got up on her feet briefly and had a closer look at her back. Everything looked okay and Liv kneeled down in front of her again. She rolled the tee up just like she did when dressing Noah and then popped the opening over Amanda's head. She pulled the tee down and then got back up underneath it to unclasp the bra on her back.

Liv stopped momentarily as Amanda's breath stalked up and she tried to get away from Liv's touch. Liv soothed her much like she did Noah when he got fussy, hushing her slightly as she continued with unclasping her bra.

"Just going to get this off so you can sleep comfortable," Liv whispered as she swiped the bra straps down her arms. She then helped Amanda get her arms through the sleeves and then had a quick check to make sure everything was in place before she told Amanda they were all done and it was finally time to sleep. Amanda let out a relieved sigh which brought a smile back on Liv's face.

Liv pulled the bedspread down best she could with Amanda still sitting on the edge of the bed and then told Amanda to crawl up. Liv smiled at Amanda's less than limber moves, far away from the flexible detective Liv saw in the squad room. There was something childlike about drunk Amanda, something that made Liv want to take care of her but then it dawned on her that it might not be that.

Amanda was a victim now. Liv's image of her had changed. Patton had made her a victim and Liv had always related well to victims. Liv knew she couldn't put that epithet on Amanda though. It wouldn't serve their relationship any good and Amanda would end up loathing Liv. A survivor. That's what she would have to try and convert it to. It wasn't hard for Liv to see her as a survivor but right now this survivor needed a little guidance.

With a bit of coaxing and rearranging she finally got Amanda in under the cover and with her head on the pillow. Amanda folded to her side, letting out another relieved sigh as Liv tucked her in properly.

"I'm going to get you some water and Tylenol," Liv said stroking back Amanda's hair from her face, "I'll be right back."

Liv reluctantly let the young woman's soft hair go and walked out. She hurried back with the offerings and found Amanda resting peacefully. Liv pulled over Noah's low plastic play table and placed the glass and the tablets on it. Liv went across the room and picked up the trash bin. She put it down right by the bed and then sat down by Amanda's side. Liv touched the side of her face again to hopefully get a bit of her attention at least.

"I've put a bin by your bed in case you need it," Liv said softly. Amanda's eyes stirred a little underneath her eyelids.
"I'll be right across the hall," Liv said a little louder hoping Amanda would hear her. She deliberately let her hand run over her forehead and then down by her ear.

"I want you to wake me up or come get me if you need anything," Liv said, "I'm going to close the door okay but I want you to come get me if you have a nightmare or if you just need to talk or something. I'm used to being up at night, you know with a toddler now under my roof. So you just come get me, we'll have some tea, talk if you want to. I don't mind. It would only make me happy in fact. I want to be here for you if you let me."

She realized she was probably talking to herself here but it felt good just getting to say the words out loud.

"I would really like to be here for you Amanda," she whispered, lining her blonde hair behind her ear, "and not only when you get stupid drunk. I don't mind but you can count on me at any time. I promise I'll listen from now on. I will really listen this time around. I'll try and hear what you're trying to tell me and I won't make assumptions. We'll get through this, you see, things will be okay again. That bastard won't be able to hurt you again and we'll deal with what he left in his wake. We will get through it. This is what we do after all. You can do this and I'll help you every step of the way. You have all of us in your corner and we'll beat the demons he left. You're going to be fine."

She realized she had to stop at some point or she could just stay there all night whispering encouraging words in to the young detective's ear. It was probably better to do that when she was awake though, Liv thought to herself. She let herself swipe her fingers down through her blonde strands a few more times before she finally rose to her feet.

"Good night Amanda," she whispered as she leaned down and pulled the cover up a little further so it touched Amanda's chin. Liv turned one of the lamps off but left the room with enough light so that Amanda would be able to familiarize herself if she woke up during the night. She shot Amanda one last look before she closed the door behind her. She was just about to close it completely when she suddenly changed her mind and left it open just an inch or two. She hoped Amanda would be able to come to her if she needed it but until that day, or night, arrived Liv didn't think it would hurt to do whatever she could to help her along just slightly.